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city girl in the country

  • 17-09-2020 4:26pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    I am almost 30. I grew up in south Dublin in a very nice suburb and was generally happy. My life was basically school/work/college and shopping going out.
    I met a guy from the country who was working in Dublin. He's a teacher and I'm a SNA. This was about nine years ago.
    We were fairly serious and about 4 years ago we decided to save for a house.
    I didn't want to leave Dublin but I knew if we were ever going to save we had to do something.
    He's parents had a converted garage that we moved into and we we're able to pick up jobs. I was dreading leaving the city. I was leaving my friends, parents, shops, venues, etc all behind.
    However after the first few nights were over I haven't looked back.
    My job is fairly secure in the school I'm in and he has a permanent job.
    It's the happiest I've ever been in a school. I get on great with all the staff and have made good friends.
    It's also very relaxed regarding make up and clothes.
    I also love working with a mix of country kids and kids from the town.
    I've joined clubs also and made friends.
    His mother is a very quiet woman but is lovely. My parents weren't gone on his parents because they consider them to be poor farmers and thought I could do better but they didn't mind my fiancee as such. You often hear about his mother been horrible, etc but I can talk to her about anything but she's very content but shes not into the lifestyle my mother is into.(Clothes/shopping/expensive lunches).
    When we moved down the only thing his mother insisted was that I'd learn to drive. This really annoyed my parents. My mother doesn't drive and my parents weren't keen on me learning. So, this may have caused tensions. They weren't happy with the car his parents gave to me. It was an older Fo

    Astra they had sitting on the drive.
    Then when my parents came to visit. They did an inspection and found issues with everything.

    I've also grown distant from my friends in Dublin. To be honest all we ever did was go shopping and to clubs every weekend.
    In the past year or so I've only gone shopping a few times and this is nothing to do with Lockdown.
    I've friends down here now and we just chat and have lunch/meals/etc and it's just so relaxed.

    We were spending Christmas in Dublin and I couldn't wait to get out of there.
    We got engaged early last year and the subject of a house has arisen.
    He says he's happy enough to live anywhere once it's not to built up.
    My parents have offered us €250,000 towards a house if we move back to Dublin.
    However his parents said we can have a site to build a house on their land if we want and if we want to go to Dublin we can sell the site.

    We've a good bit saved and in all honestly I want to stay and build in the country.
    If I was to choose my bridesmaids of choose people that I befriended down here.
    I'd also like to raise a family here going by what I see in school and the school and the general vibe in the area.
    My parents are furious tough and want me back home.
    They are spreading lies saying he's forcing me to stay in the country. He's hitting me. His family are settled travellers, he's after there house, he won't allow me spend money.
    None of this is true and I've no idea what to do.
    He's not overly pushed about these things but he doesn't want his parents finding out.

    Any advice on what I should do?



  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    You should explain to your parents that their behaviour is completely out of line and give them an opportunity to apologise. If they refuse to change their behaviour then get on with your life in the country and strictly limit contact with your parents. If you're happy where you are, which you sound to be, get on with making the most of your life. It's your life and frankly your parents behaviour is toxic and abhorrent. You've got one life to lead, do it in a way to prioritise your happiness. And whatever you do, do not take the money from your parents, it will clearly come with terms and conditions. Best of luck

  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite

    You are happy, settled, you sound like you've met someone lovely to spend your life with and his family are kind and thoughtful to you. They sound amazing and good inlaws are better than winning the lotto.

    If you've kids down the line, living out the countryside is idyllic. Living beside family means you have support - a gran can nip down to the school if your child is sick and hold onto them until you manage to leave work for example. Your MIL was right - you do need to drive out the country, bus service is woeful.

    By contrast your parents sound utterly awful. But then I can't stand liars. And they could be jeopardising his job with allegations.

    Seriously, your parents would want to rein it in. I would seriously just cut off contact with them if it was me. They seem to think they can bully you into living your life the way they want you to. Your life is yours to live and to choose how to live. By cutting them off for a while it makes them realise that you are an adult and cut the apron strings long ago.

    So you've two choices - live the life that makes you happy or live your life the way your parents want you to and be utterly miserable.

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,698 ✭✭✭kenmm

    Until the very end of your post I was struggling to work out what the issue was. It all sounds lovely!

    Need to have a bit if a word with your parents. It your life and your choices. Throwing money at you to move back is mad!

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭Pete M.

    Divorce your parents before you get married.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,248 ✭✭✭Piriz

    hi op,
    I wasnt expecting your story to go as it does.. you sound like you are doing great and have a bright and stable future ahead.. your parents are headcases frankly, you need to keep them at a distance.. they sound like they are capable of getting a lot worse.. tell them to f*ck right off and then get some counselling to support you in realising in adulthood your parents are horrible people.. (I apologise if that sounds harsh)

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,689 ✭✭✭zoobizoo

    Pete M. wrote: »
    Divorce your parents before you get married.

    They want to control you at every opportunity.

    Not wanting you to learn how to drive was an attempt at curtailing your independence.

    Offering you money to return home was a bribe to keep you under their control. Imagine taking the money and how they'll start deciding on furniture, colour schemes, where exactly the house has to be and who can then live in it.

    You've found a lovely life for yourself. Don't sacrifice your happiness for your parent's selfishness.

    If your parents were nice people they would give you the 250k and let you do as you pleased.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,027 ✭✭✭Lantus

    They don't want you to drive? Must be livid you have a job and have moved. Possessive people don't like it when you act anything other than obidient property.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭august12

    I'm tempted to say, take the money and run, would serve them right. You are so lucky to have such wonderful in-laws, something money cannot buy and your future mother in law sounds lovely, if you read back through your post, you've answered your own question, you seem blissfully happy with your current life, away from your family.

  • Registered Users Posts: 31,749 ✭✭✭✭listermint

    Your parents are acting as mad as a bag of cats.

    Not letting you drive.

    Bribing you to move home.

    In short they are emotionally black mailing you. A really really horrible trait in people. You have to stamp that out at every opportunity and be confident in your responses.

    Take no crap. And don't let their attitude infect your happiness.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,115 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby

    Your parents are not healthy people. Healthy people don't try to sabotage their child's happiness for their own selfish ends. Loving people don't attempt to clip a loved ones wings because it suits their agenda. Their attempts to control you are very nasty. I'd be tempted to cut such awful people out of my life. Not easy I know when it's your parents.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭the14thwarrior

    I re-read your post and you've been with this guy for 9 nines, and very serious for the last 4.
    i don't understand why this has cropped up all of a sudden.
    if they have concerns after 9 years, just because now you are buying a house, then you and them have had plenty of time to adjust to your boyfriend.
    say thanks for the money, you'd prefer to stay where you are.

    it sounds like you have a long road ahead in terms of how your parents relate to your husband, and possibly their grandchildern.

  • Registered Users Posts: 717 ✭✭✭limericklad87

    Warning bells when I read this line

    My parents weren't gone on his parents because they consider them to be poor farmers and thought I could do better but they didn't mind my fiancee as such

  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    Hard to know what to advise here without being overly harsh to your parents. I think you need to have a very frank discussion with them, stating that they need to change their haughty attitudes around him/his family or risk losing you.

    But I must say fair play to you for growing up with such narrow minded parents but still becoming the well rounded caring person that you come across like in that post.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,178 ✭✭✭killbillvol2

    I think you know the answer yourself. It's time to cut ties with your parents, either temporarily or permanently, and look after your own happiness.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    Warning bells when I read this line

    My parents weren't gone on his parents because they consider them to be poor farmers and thought I could do better but they didn't mind my fiancee as such

    It struck me too! I think they ‘mind’ your partner a LOT.

    Spitballing here, are you their only daughter? Only child? Did they have huge expectations of you growing up? Did they ‘have their heart set’ on a particular career for you? Or a ‘very suitable BF’ for you?

    Whatever about bizarre expectations - and demands - the lying part is just reprehensible. That’s downright horrible and nasty. I’d find it easy to make my decision OP; but damn hard to stay in contact with them after their behaviour.

    Can I ask though, what do you mean by you’d often hear about his mother being horrible? Hear it from whom / in what context?

    It sounds like your own parents are being incredibly controlling, whilst accusing your partner of being controlling. What is going on what that?

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin

    My parents are furious tough and want me back home.
    They are spreading lies saying he's forcing me to stay in the country. He's hitting me. His family are settled travellers, he's after there house, he won't allow me spend money.
    None of this is true and I've no idea what to do.
    He's not overly pushed about these things but he doesn't want his parents finding out.

    Any advice on what I should do?[/quote]

    Wow, even if your parents have legitimate concerns, perhaps concerned about not being close to any potential grandchildren or not having your close by when they are elderly, this is bang out of order.

    It's malicious slander and potentially very damaging for your husband. Not many would take it as calmly as he has.

    I would simply tell your parents you have had your choice and you would live if they can be happy for you but if they can't it still won't change the outcome.

    Your further MIL is right about the driving, essential in rural areas tbh.

  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 9,755 Mod ✭✭✭✭artanevilla

    Your parents are the bad guys here sorry OP. I don't see any reason why you'd discourage your child from driving if not an attempt to control them.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35

    Your parents offered you 250k towards a house?!

    Take it, buy a house in Dublin then sell it in a year - sure they'll hardly rope you into a contract with some conditions subsequent etc.

    But joking aside, the most important relationship is that with your partner - that's who your future is with, not your parents. I understand they want what's best for you and maybe they feel a little like things are not within their control with you being so far away. But they also sound pretty mean and judgemental towards this family that from the sounds of it have welcomed you with open arms.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    Your parents are the bad guys here sorry OP. I don't see any reason why you'd discourage your child from driving if not an attempt to control them.

    That struck me too. I was trying to fathom any reasoning behind it, and I can’t come up with a single thing.

    Are your parents incredibly traditional in a very privileged way OP, like the guy should earn all of the money (and lots of it) and the GF / wife sits at home being pretty and being responsible for their social diary?! (That is factious, I know - but I still don’t have a better answer for where your parents POV is coming from)

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,539 ✭✭✭✭Danzy

    If they gave you a red brick on the Raglan Rd, you shouldn't go.

    You are happy and he seems decent to you, easygoing.

    If they are saying stuff like that its beyond acceptable, of course he doesn't want to mention it to his folks, they'd think your parents are awful people.

    Christ above girl, your happy, live life, you aren't going to Australia.

    Trying to please them will poison your relationship more than living your own life, long term.

    I spoke to a lad one time at a wedding, he had over bearing parents, pressure on him to stay around, he liked it there but wanted to just go abroad for a year, he didn't. He had an accident and broke his neck and is paralyzed from the neck down

    I often think of that conversation and how his life went, a lovely young man.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 359 ✭✭Iodine1

    Your parents are the bad guys here sorry OP. I don't see any reason why you'd discourage your child from driving if not an attempt to control them.

    Driving is a life skill, every one should aspire to. You don't need to own a car, but you are free to hire one anytime you wish, but only if you can drive. Driving gives you freedom, why would anyone discourage one learning? Did your parents see this as a way of keeping you under control or dependant?

    You don't need the money for the house, take the site and build what you can afford. And live your own life!

  • Registered Users Posts: 32,634 ✭✭✭✭Graces7

    It should be allowed to divorce from parents like this.

    Can you slow down or close communications with them for a while? It must be so appallingly stressful at a time when you have so much joy in your life.

    Else, silence can be golden. Even if one sided.

    And what a wonderful life you have! You are so blessed!

  • Registered Users Posts: 15,119 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes

    Take the money from your parents a house in dublin ....stay in it a year. Then sell it ....then take the site from your in laws and build a house on it ;)

    Im kidding.

    Give them time to cool and get used to the idea. They were silly to think you would live your life around them.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,958 ✭✭✭mr_edge_to_you

    Unfortunately you can't choose your family. Your parents behaviour is appalling. They sound like characters from a Ross O"Caŕroll Kelly book.

    I had a more detailed reply written but I just deleted it - it is was all pointless. There's no point in engaging with your parents.

    Make the most of your life and do what makes you happy!

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,093 ✭✭✭El Gato De Negocios

    Are you an only child?

    Your parents are obviously missing you and probably fear missing out on seeing potential grandchildren which is understandable. However, emotional and financial blackmail, spreading lies about your fiancee and his family and their general behavior is absolutely abhorrent. You need to sit down with them and be firm. Tell them you are happy where you are, that you have moved on from city life, that you want to build a home and a life with your fiancee in the country and they either respect and support your choice as an adult or you will have to reduce your contact with them. The fact that you would not have your Dublin based friends as bridesmaids illustrates perfectly that you have moved on from the vacuous "city life". Also, just wanted to add, fair play to you for making such an effort to integrate in your new surroundings. All too often you hear of people making a move and becoming hermits then whinging that they have no friends, well done you and all the best for the future.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    The previous poster’s comments about moving from city life / vacuous city life are reading towards being quite judgemental of your lifestyle choices, just how your parents are, albeit in reverse.

    Personally, I’d find it hard to leave a city where you can go out somewhere different at the drop of a hat, and have a choice re restaurants, gigs etc.

    But you have to live your own life OP. Not what your parents seem to have mapped out for you. I do wonder is there any truth in what your parents are saying - is your BF obsessed with spending as little as possible on fun? Does he control or manipulate your finances??

    Do whatever makes you happy!

  • Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps

    You don’t need their money. You both have stable income, have a plot of land. This is your life, not theirs. They don’t get to dictate what you do or where you live. Stop being a doormat and if you truly love your partner then defend him by laying down the law to them and let the cards fall where they will. Is your partner and life worth more than 250,000? Your parents are cruel, terrible people. Sorry, it’s the truth.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery

    You're happy.

    Your partner is happy.

    You get on well with partner's family, and they evidently like you a lot or they wouldn't be giving you a car and a site near them.

    There is only one issue here : your parents. They are totally, totally out of order and are focusing only on what they want, and not what makes you happy. It's your life, not theirs.

    You need to have it out with them one way or another, and if they're not willing to explain their selfish behaviour or change their attitude, your only option is to start to limit contact.

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    I honestly thought this was going to be a post about you being unhappy in the countryside and missing the city but boy was I wrong! OP you are happy with someone you love living somewhere with people you like. Honestly if my parents carried on like that I'd be quick to cut them out. I thought they were just being protective but the not wanting you to learn to drive is just madness. You need to be firm OP, tell them you've made choices for you and what makes you happy and they can either get on board or you'll just stop returning their calls or visiting.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    I suppose it may have been a shock to my parents that I settled here it was to me also.
    When I did live in Dublin I was happy at the time. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without the shopping/restaurants/etc. This is all I ever did with friends and looking back on it we rarely talked.
    My father has a very good job and it funded this lifestyle for me.
    They are restaurants/cafes/etc locally but you wouldn't go to them as much.
    His mother was mad to get me driving so I could go places such as Cork and Limerick or home to Dublin easyliy. However I don't crave the shopping as much because I can met people I've become friends with for a coffee/tea/food/walk/etc and have a good time also.
    My fiance isn't tight with money and he's never tried to monitor my spending/etc. He'd just have had more of a normal up bringing to me regarding spending.
    I am an only child. I've cousins in Dublin who'd I get on with and a good few are a lot older than me. However my parents are spreading all kinds of gossip to them and I don't know how to deal with it.
    If I come down harsh on them they'll just say I'm been forced away from them and that they read something online.