Surname change after Marriage

stefanovich · 01-06-2019 8:25am

mvl wrote: »

having in mind that divorce is a reality, it sounds to me just one of the options would be easier if divorce happens.
anyone considering that when they decide what to do about the surname change ?

Yes, all signs of "progress".

stefanovich · 01-06-2019 8:30am

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Funnily, or not so funnily enough, many if not most homes require both parents working, in order to run a home, it isnt necessarily a need, but more a must. The increase in the amount of people working doesn't always lead to the depressing of wages, more complex factors are generally at play

High taxes, less take home pay, both parents working. In the struggle for equality did those women who want to stay at home and look after their children get sidelined? Did feminism get infected with socialist rot?

Wanderer78 · 01-06-2019 9:03am

stefanovich wrote: »

High taxes, less take home pay, both parents working. In the struggle for equality did those women who want to stay at home and look after their children get sidelined? Did feminism get infected with socialist rot?

you ll actually find the implementation of policies such as the de-regulation of the financial sector, allowing the sector to create credit more easily, and the implementation of certain free trade agreements, played a much bigger part in creating our current outcomes. taxation is certainly playing its part, but many of these polices have moved more towards the taxation of labour, and less taxation on capital. these outcomes arent purely due to 'big bad government', but more so due to the complex interactions of both state and non state bodies/institutions etc etc

socialist rot? :rolleyes: ah no, id say its more to do with neoliberial/neoclassical ideology tbh

Stoner · 01-06-2019 9:19am

redcuppatea wrote:

Option 2 is very popular but is complicated if there are children in the future because we will want to have the same name of them and be a family unit.

This is what we did. It's not complicated at all and is no big deal.

We thought it would be but it's not.

The single issue was once my wife took my son on a holiday and needed a letter from me saying it was ok etc. She never needed the letter.

People make a big deal about this but it's honestly nothing.

I'd take my wife's name rather than blend ours.

What happens when all these double barrel length named people get married in 15 years.

It's nowhere near the issue people think it would be.

eviltwin · 01-06-2019 10:15am

stefanovich wrote: »

I question some people's motives. I know when my wife took my name she did so happily and without question. I know many men would feel that they were not fully accepted if the woman insisted on keeping her own name. I see it as another step at chipping away at the family unit for the sake of the good fight against patriarchy.

How on earth is it "chipping away at the family unit" to keep your name? I think you are being a bit ridiculous now. You and your wife might share a name but that is not what makes a family and you know it.

Please respect choice and stop insulting those of us who don't feel the need to follow tradition. Having a different surname to my husband does not lessen our bond or commitment to each other.

BarryD2 · 01-06-2019 10:36am

redcuppatea wrote: »

I'm getting married soon and we are trying to figure out what to do with our surnames.

These are some of the options:
1. Wife takes Husbands name
2. Wife keeps own name, Husband keeps own name

1 or 2 and stick with it consistently. Another poster mentioned using family name in some situations and married name in others. Sounds like a recipe for confusion and bureaucratic difficulty.

In our case, my wife kept her family name and that's grand. Perfectly logical and fine. Our children have my family name as surname. It could logically be the other way. From time to time, they experimented with using my wife's family name but just found it awkward - for example one opened a bank account using mother's name and then had to supply documents in my name and it was just a lot of hassle.

Know one family where alternate children have father's / mother's family names - grand for them but quite confusing even for friends & neighbours trying to remember which is which! So one is Paddy X and the next is Mary Y and the next Joe X and so on.....

Finally and this may seem irrelevant now but for anyone in some future generation trying to understand their family ancestors, keeping it as simple as possible will make it a lot simpler. The idea of marrying someone and blending names to create some new one would be utterly confusing, unless it was well documented.

stefanovich · 01-06-2019 3:11pm

eviltwin wrote: »

How on earth is it "chipping away at the family unit" to keep your name? I think you are being a bit ridiculous now. You and your wife might share a name but that is not what makes a family and you know it.

Please respect choice and stop insulting those of us who don't feel the need to follow tradition. Having a different surname to my husband does not lessen our bond or commitment to each other.

I am not insulting you. I just have a different opinion. If you and your husband are happy then fine. I just think most men go along with it for peace and quiet more than anything.

eviltwin · 01-06-2019 3:18pm

stefanovich wrote: »

I am not insulting you. I just have a different opinion. If you and your husband are happy then fine. I just think most men go along with it for peace and quiet more than anything.

Just shows how little you know about other men

salmocab · 01-06-2019 3:22pm

stefanovich wrote: »

I am not insulting you. I just have a different opinion. If you and your husband are happy then fine. I just think most men go along with it for peace and quiet more than anything.

Go along with it? Why would we care if they change their names? Changing your name is a very odd thing to do. I regularly call my wife and some of my friends wives by their surnames. But only their maiden ones, I couldn’t even tell you if any of them have changed their names bar one who is a teacher and said it wasn’t worth the hassle.

stefanovich · 01-06-2019 3:37pm

salmocab wrote: »

Go along with it? Why would we care if they change their names? Changing your name is a very odd thing to do. I regularly call my wife and some of my friends wives by their surnames. But only their maiden ones, I couldn’t even tell you if any of them have changed their names bar one who is a teacher and said it wasn’t worth the hassle.

How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

BarryD2 · 01-06-2019 3:46pm

stefanovich wrote: »

How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

Changing times, move with it

Agreed it can be confusing when some women prefer to change and others don't. Unless you know the couple well, addressing something like a post card is a bit of a lottery. As mentioned, my wife keeps her own family name for many years now but still is a touch miffed when a card comes addressed to Mr & Mrs xyx. Mind you, it also works the other way and her friends will sometimes assume that my surname is same as hers and call me that - couldn't care less though.

Nobelium · 01-06-2019 3:49pm

what surname/family name do you use for the kids in this situation ?

eviltwin · 01-06-2019 3:51pm

stefanovich wrote: »

How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

There were a lot of things women were expected to do after marriage, they didn't really have much of a choice.

Society is constantly evolving. Marriage and relationships don't have to follow a prescribed path anymore and we are no longer confined by tradition and that's a good thing.

01-06-2019 3:54pm

wife kept her name, couldnt have cared less.

no kids but if pushed id guess theyd use mine

double barrel idea gives me hives. guy taking her name is performative rubbish.

never heard of merging/melding. jesus christ kill me now.

Nobelium · 01-06-2019 3:58pm

Deleted User wrote: »

no kids but if pushed id guess theyd use mine

double barrel idea gives me hives. guy taking her name is performative rubbish.

.

what if your wife disagrees and wants the children to use a different family name ?

Toots · 01-06-2019 3:59pm

stefanovich, your most recent post falls well below the standard of contribution we require on this forum, and on the site in general. I have deleted it.

Do not post in this thread again.

facehugger99 · 01-06-2019 4:03pm

I don't even remember discussing it with my wife TBH. I just would have presumed she was keeping her own name.

She did.

Nobelium · 01-06-2019 4:04pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Having a different surname to my husband does not lessen our bond or commitment to each other.

Agreed. Did you take your father's family name, your mother's or both ?

01-06-2019 4:10pm

Nobelium wrote: »

what if your wife disagrees and wants the children to use a different family name ?

would probably go with that if she felt strongly about it

theoretical situation but i couldnt see us having a major issue either way. i mean we're married, we get on quite well like.

salmocab · 01-06-2019 4:17pm

stefanovich wrote: »

How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

Well that’s just not true, it’s a fairly new thing, it only started after the English turned up. In the grand scheme changing your name is the new thing.
It’s odd because people have a name for maybe 35 odd years and then suddenly have a different name. I wouldn’t for a second consider changing my name and don’t see why anyone would, if they want to I don’t care but don’t see the point.

eviltwin · 01-06-2019 4:18pm

Nobelium wrote: »

Agreed. Did you take your father's family name, your mother's or both ?

I use my grandmother's maiden name. Why?

MiliMe · 01-06-2019 4:49pm

I took my husbands name when we married, we had a child before we married which has his surname. The reasoning for this was we were becoming our own family, it ment alot to him for his children to have his name and i guess I'm more of a traditionalist and wanted us all to have one family name.

As an aside he was married before and his ex wife did not take his name, he said at time he thought it didnt matter too much but looking back on it, it bothered him as he felt her family was more important to her than he was which was eventually one of the reasons for their breakup.

Nobelium · 01-06-2019 7:14pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I use my grandmother's maiden name. Why?

Just curious. Did you have to get your name changed on official docs etc. to go that far back to your great grandfather's family name, or was it easier than that ?

ted1 · 01-06-2019 7:19pm

Addle wrote: »

Ya. You don’t need a deed poll to legally change your name here.
Just 2 years proof of use.

Not sure how true that is. My wife went to register our first child and by the time she had come home they had changed her name.

She had been on to revenue in the morning and rang them back after she’d come from the register office. And revenue had her updated name.

Addle · 01-06-2019 7:58pm

MiliMe wrote: »

The reasoning for this was we were becoming our own family

His name = his family.

MiliMe · 01-06-2019 8:14pm

Addle wrote: »

His name = his family.

While that may be, my family will always be my family regardless what name i decide to go by.
I wanted me him and our children to have the same surname, personally i don't like double-barrel names.
The choice i made was to take his name joining, and gaining his family and that choice ment alot to him.

Nobelium · 01-06-2019 8:18pm

Addle wrote: »

His name = his family.

I would have thought it's their agreed name for their family, and their choice, not someone else's.

Nobelium · 01-06-2019 8:19pm

MiliMe wrote: »

While that may be, my family will always be my family regardless what name i decide to go by.
I wanted me him and our children to have the same surname, personally i don't like double-barrel names.
The choice i made was to take his name joining, and gaining his family and that choice ment alot to him.

I would agree, it not someone else's family it yours, and your agreed name for your family.

TheBeach · 01-06-2019 8:43pm

I have my own name and our children have my husband's name. We are still a family unit regardless of not having the same surnames.

MiliMe · 01-06-2019 8:52pm

TheBeach wrote: »

I have my own name and our children have my husband's name. We are still a family unit regardless of not having the same surnames.

Of coarse you are. But my choice was to take my husbands. As it was your choice to keep your own.

It is entirely up to each couple what they do. Its obviously a very emotive topic but at the end of the day, the only people whose opinions matter on the subject are the two getting married.

salmocab · 01-06-2019 8:57pm

MiliMe wrote: »

Of coarse you are. But my choice was to take my husbands. As it was your choice to keep your own.

It is entirely up to each couple what they do. Its obviously a very emotive topic but at the end of the day, the only people whose opinions matter on the subject are the two getting married.

I would argue that in general it’s not much of an emotive issue, I think most responses here are we did x as he/she didn’t mind what we did.
I’d say a small amount of people these days really care if a woman changes her name or not.

Dial Hard · 01-06-2019 9:12pm

My brother has five children from two marriages and they have three different surnames between the five of them. It has never caused an issue regarding travel, etc and it certainly doesn't make them any less of a family unit.

People have frankly weird opinions on this matter.

IHeartShoes · 01-06-2019 10:03pm

I don't know why people are so dismissive and derogatory about double barrelled names. I have a double barrelled name. I couldn't consider giving up my own name after marriage. Myself and husband have one syllable surnames so they worked well combined and it seemed a good compromise. He took my name too so we both used the same double barrelled surname. My daughter also uses it. If she marries, she can drop one surname name if she wants to go double barrelled herself, rather than give up her own. Whichever she drops, I don't mind, not that it's to anything to do with me. But I would be shocked if she changed her name to be honest.

I worked as an advocate in a former career. Lots of form filling, applications both online and paper based. It made no difference that people had different or double barrelled surnames. You had to complete a name for every person in the household anyway so it didn't matter if they weren't the same. If you had to add names, purely because they differed, then that would have been a pain. But that wasn't the case.

In short, don't change names. If you want the same family name, double barrel it, if they work together and you don't have four syllables a piece:)

....... · 04-06-2019 9:31am

ted1 wrote: »

Not sure how true that is. My wife went to register our first child and by the time she had come home they had changed her name.

She had been on to revenue in the morning and rang them back after she’d come from the register office. And revenue had her updated name.

Common usage is enough to legally change your name in Ireland.

Do you mean THEY to be the revenue commissioners?

What difference does it make if they incorrectly updated their systems - they are not the guardians of peoples names in Ireland?

skallywag · 04-06-2019 11:17am

IHeartShoes wrote: »

If she marries, she can drop one surname name if she wants to go double barrelled herself, rather than give up her own

Why drop one at all? If a third name sits well with the other two why not just add it?

Concerning this point that having different surnames can cause travel concerns, I think that this is one of those things that happened once somehow somewhere and hence went on to become Internet legend. I have never had an issue with my kids, nor have any of my friends who have different surnames. Having a different surname alone is not going to raise any suspicion. The sheer volume of those who travel these days with kids under different names would make a logistical disaster if it did indeed really create a valid suspicion.

jlm29 · 04-06-2019 12:51pm

skallywag wrote: »

Why drop one at all? If a third name sits well with the other two why not just add it?

Concerning this point that having different surnames can cause travel concerns, I think that this is one of those things that happened once somehow somewhere and hence went on to become Internet legend. I have never had an issue with my kids, nor have any of my friends who have different surnames. Having a different surname alone is not going to raise any suspicion. The sheer volume of those who travel these days with kids under different names would make a logistical disaster if it did indeed really create a valid suspicion.

I personally have been asked about surnames at Dublin airport, when travelling alone with my son whose name is different to mine. I wasn’t detained or anything, but I was asked, and I was advised by the airport person to bring a letter or copy of a birth very in future. It’s ridiculous, but certainly not an airport legend

BarryD2 · 04-06-2019 1:32pm

skallywag wrote: »

Why drop one at all? If a third name sits well with the other two why not just add it?

Because it could rapidly become ridiculous:
Q. What's your name?
A. Kevin Ignatius SkallyByrneMcNallyKellyOConnorPlunkett...........

Either keep with the mother's family name or the father's family name. None of this compound double/ triple/ quadruple barreled nonsense

skallywag · 04-06-2019 1:35pm

BarryD2 wrote: »

Because it could rapidly become ridiculous:
Q. What's your name?
A. Kevin Ignatius SkallyByrneMcNallyKellyOConnorPlunkett...........

Either keep with the mother's family name or the father's family name. None of this compound double/ triple/ quadruple barreled nonsense

... which is kind of my point really, which someone with a double-barreled name has never answered ...

eviltwin · 04-06-2019 1:54pm

skallywag wrote: »

... which is kind of my point really, which someone with a double-barreled name has never answered ...

What was your question?

skallywag · 04-06-2019 2:22pm

eviltwin wrote: »

What was your question?

Some people like the idea of double-barreled names, fair enough, I do not myself, but I also do not really care to be honest what people decide to call themselves by. Now, take the case of a child from such a family, also with the same surname, also then deciding to double barrel when they marry.

The question then is whether they accept that this is now verging on ridiculous/pretentious or not, with pretentious coming into the mix as one normally associates 3-4 pronged surnames in Irish/English society with someone as hanger on at a royal wedding, etc.

The reply which I invariably get is that the practical way of solving such a conundrum would be to de-attach one of the original barrels in order to make way for the new one, rather than to go down the double double barrel path, which is exactly as the poster who I quoted seem to be suggesting.

Scarinae · 04-06-2019 2:25pm

skallywag wrote: »

Concerning this point that having different surnames can cause travel concerns, I think that this is one of those things that happened once somehow somewhere and hence went on to become Internet legend. I have never had an issue with my kids, nor have any of my friends who have different surnames. Having a different surname alone is not going to raise any suspicion. The sheer volume of those who travel these days with kids under different names would make a logistical disaster if it did indeed really create a valid suspicion.

I think it depends on the country, I don't know about Ireland but it certainly seems to happen in the UK. It happened to Tulip Siddiq, who was my MP when I was living in London, when she was taking the Eurostar. She didn't have an issue with the French border control, probably because it is normal in France for married women to keep their birth name officially and use their husband's name socially; it was the UK border control that stopped her.

I won't be changing my name, so if we have children down the line I guess I'll find out then what the requirements are, to have a letter from my husband to show border control or whatever.

Sardonicat · 04-06-2019 2:33pm

BarryD2 wrote: »

Because it could rapidly become ridiculous:
Q. What's your name?
A. Kevin Ignatius SkallyByrneMcNallyKellyOConnorPlunkett...........

Pugh Pugh Barney McGrew Cuthbert Dibble Grub would be the Captain, instead of the entire crew. Trumpton would be over by the time all their names were called out and the whole village would burn down.

....... · 04-06-2019 2:37pm

skallywag wrote: »

Concerning this point that having different surnames can cause travel concerns, I think that this is one of those things that happened once somehow somewhere and hence went on to become Internet legend. I have never had an issue with my kids, nor have any of my friends who have different surnames. Having a different surname alone is not going to raise any suspicion. The sheer volume of those who travel these days with kids under different names would make a logistical disaster if it did indeed really create a valid suspicion.

Happened a friend of mine last year travelling without her husband but with one of her children to south africa.

She travelled for 4 hours on a friday to get to the airport and then was stopped getting on the flight because herself and her son have different surnames. She was told that without a sworn affidavit from her husband or a copy of her marriage cert they couldnt go on a later flight. She travelled 4 hours back to her home (with a very tired child at this stage) and of course they couldnt get either a copy of her marriage cert or a solicitor on a friday evening or all weekend so the next morning they bought 3 seats on a flight and the husband went with them.

All in it cost them about 4k in lost flights, new flights and childcare for the kids left at home but it was a dying grandparent who had never met the youngest child so they felt they had to go through with it.

Upon arriving home she applied for a new passport with her husbands surname but still uses her own surname socially.

Loveinapril · 04-06-2019 2:49pm

skallywag wrote: »

Some people like the idea of double-barreled names, fair enough, I do not myself, but I also do not really care to be honest what people decide to call themselves by. Now, take the case of a child from such a family, also with the same surname, also then deciding to double barrel when they marry.

The question then is whether they accept that this is now verging on ridiculous/pretentious or not, with pretentious coming into the mix as one normally associates 3-4 pronged surnames in Irish/English society with someone as hanger on at a royal wedding, etc.

The reply which I invariably get is that the practical way of solving such a conundrum would be to de-attach one of the original barrels in order to make way for the new one, rather than to go down the double double barrel path, which is exactly as the poster who I quoted seem to be suggesting.

I know someone with a hyphenated first name (Ann- Marie). Her parents gave her a double barrelled surname at birth and she chose to double (triple) barrell her surname after she got married. So Ann- Marie *Murphy- Smith Doyle*(not the actual surname). It is A LOT.

ShaShaBear · 04-06-2019 2:59pm

I took my husband's name. I think.
I had a surname, we got married, I started referring to myself with his surname. My passport is in my birth name because I had to get a new one specifically to get married and it's got 10 years on it - not really arsed paying €90 to get that changed. My SW card, medical card and bank are all in my married name. My doctor still has me as my birth name, same as the pharmacist. I haven't bothered pressing for a change there because my GP has treated me since birth, and knows me personally by that name. My new surname, although not unique, is unheard of in my town and it was easier in some cases to use the name that people recognise.

Travelled with our children 2 months ago for the first time and had to present both their birth certificates because they didn't have passports (travelling to the UK). My different name didn't even come up. My husband couldn't give two twallies what I call myself. In fact, on our wedding day, the manager "announced" us with the wrong surname - one that has the same second syllable, and for about the first 6 months of marriage, we jokingly went by that surname on Facebook.

To change my name in any case, all I had to do was present ID to show I am the named person, and a copy of my marriage cert to show I married someone with the name I would like to take. Literally no issue whatsoever.

I will refer to myself with either surname if I want to be recognised to someone. For example, I was once stopped leaving a café as an elderly woman wanted to comment on my daughter's mop of curls and said she looked like one of the "X's". I told her I was (name) X so she would know me. She knew then who my parents were and remembered me as a baby!

In another instance, I introduced myself to a mother slightly older than me at an event recently, and used my married name because my husband coaches her son at football, so she would be able to place me!

I'd never dream of mashing our names together - they're 5-syllables between them, and sound utterly ridiculous nomatter what way you do it. Similarly, double-barrell would be ridiculous. My husband had a double-barrell after his mother divorced and re-married and he said he absolutely detested it. As soon as he was legally entitled, he had it officially changed to a single name.

TLDR I switch between the two depending on who I am speaking to. It's just a surname, and has absolutely no bearing on who I've become over my 32 years on earth. I'm identifiable to one and all by one name - my first name. I haven't changed it and use it for everything :rolleyes:

facehugger99 · 04-06-2019 3:07pm

skallywag wrote: »

Concerning this point that having different surnames can cause travel concerns, I think that this is one of those things that happened once somehow somewhere and hence went on to become Internet legend. I have never had an issue with my kids, nor have any of my friends who have different surnames. .

Just because you haven't personally experienced it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

My wife, who kept her maiden name, was questioned about it at passport control on the way back into Ireland with the two kids (who have my surname).

She was basically advised, by the Guard, to bring a copy of the kids birth certificates with her in future if she was travelling without me.

In fairness they let her through no problem after a quick chat.

eviltwin · 04-06-2019 3:16pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

Just because you haven't personally experienced it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

My wife, who kept her maiden name, was questioned about it at passport control on the way back into Ireland with the two kids (who have my surname).

She was basically advised, by the Guard, to bring a copy of the kids birth certificates with her in future if she was travelling without me.

In fairness they let her through no problem after a quick chat.

I've no doubt it happens but this is usually down to an over zealous staff member, it's not policy. I spent years in the travel industry and blended families where everyone has different names is not unusual. Some people for cultural reasons have different names. It's also fairly common for children to travel with people who are not their parents, it would be incredibly time consuming and wasteful to assume that said child is being abducted. This reached peak madness after the McCann case but in my experience no person travelling with a child of a different name was ever stopped. It wouldn't be reason enough to convince me to change my name anyway.

skallywag · 04-06-2019 3:20pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I've no doubt it happens but this is usually down to an over zealous staff member, it's not policy.

Agree fully with this. I have spoken about exact same topic with people who work on frontier control, and they openly say that the name itself is not an issue as long as everything else looks in order and there is no other reason to be suspicious that the child may not belong to the parent.

....... · 04-06-2019 3:35pm

I do recall immediately upon getting married my mother in law made quite the production out of loudly referring to me as Mrs HisFamilyName.

Just so there would be no confusion I just as loudly announced that Id prefer to be referred to as The Young Mrs HisFamilyName.

Old Mrs HisFamilyName was not impressed

Loveinapril · 04-06-2019 3:40pm

....... wrote: »

I do recall immediately upon getting married my mother in law made quite the production out of loudly referring to me as Mrs HisFamilyName.

Just so there would be no confusion I just as loudly announced that Id prefer to be referred to as The Young Mrs HisFamilyName.

Old Mrs HisFamilyName was not impressed

I am three years married and my mother in law still sends cards to me using my husband's surname, despite being VERY aware I did not change my name after we got married. The mammies are gas!

Surname change after Marriage

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