Surname change after Marriage

redcuppatea

I'm getting married soon and we are trying to figure out what to do with our surnames.

These are some of the options:
1. Wife takes Husbands name
2. Wife keeps own name, Husband keeps own name
3. Hyphenate the names
4. Blend or mesh names to create a new family name, husband and wife change their names.

Option 1 is traditional, but if the husbands name isn't that nice, the wife may not be keen to take it. Or the wife may feel that they are entering into an equal partnership therefore taking the husbands name is not what she wants.

Option 2 is very popular but is complicated if there are children in the future because we will want to have the same name of them and be a family unit.

Option 3 is not really ideal, but does happen.

Option 4, this is interesting, when you get married you can change your name to 'i love lamp' by a deep poll, if you like. But typically it's a blend of both surnames.

Curious what are peoples take on Option 2 and 4, and have you seen option 4 before?

Mitch Connor

redcuppatea wrote: »

I'm getting married soon and we are trying to figure out what to do with our surnames.

These are some of the options:
1. Wife takes Husbands name
2. Wife keeps own name, Husband keeps own name
3. Hyphenate the names
4. Blend or mesh names to create a new family name, husband and wife change their names.

Option 1 is traditional, but if the husbands name isn't that nice, the wife may not be keen to take it. Or the wife may feel that they are entering into an equal partnership therefore taking the husbands name is not what she wants.

Option 2 is very popular but is complicated if there are children in the future because we will want to have the same name of them and be a family unit.

Option 3 is not really ideal, but does happen.

Option 4, this is interesting, when you get married you can change your name to 'i love lamp' by a deep poll, if you like. But typically it's a blend of both surnames.

Curious what are peoples take on Option 2 and 4, and have you seen option 4 before?

I've seen 4, and I've also seen Husband taking Wifes name. In both cases I have seen there was a history of issues between the people getting married and their parents which saw the husband in particular wanting to start fresh with his own family, as it were.

Pawwed Rig

Whichever suits you really except double barrel.

theteal

This comes up in conversation a bit as we're married 4 years now and as of yet had made no moves for name changes. MrsTeal will ask on occasion if I mind and I genuinely couldn't care less tbh. Our little one has my surname. I suppose it could be seen as weird that Dad and child have the same name but Mam doesn't, we've just not ran into any issues with it - even Mam and child getting flights without Dad (it tends to be peoples first question).

So to answer your question, OP, I suppose we're a vote for option 2 by default.

.......

Option 5 (this is what I do). The wife uses either name depending on context.

I use my married name socially and my maiden name professionally.

Passport is in maiden name, drivers licence is in maiden.

Bank accounts in maiden name (except one to allow deposits to Mrs)

Doctor/health insurance, in married name.

Facebook in married name, LinkedIn in maiden name.

Its quite useful to maintain a dual identity I find.

CheerLouth

We are getting married soon & are also considering the names! Currently our kids have a double barreled surname but the reality is that they are more and more frequently called by just one & increasingly it is the hubby to be's name. I've already decided to change my name as we are officially becoming a family unit & personally, I want us all to have the same surname.

However, I did also consider amalgamating our names into a new one but it would be a bit of a funny one. Similarly to the post above, I will be having a dual identity though! I intend on changing to my married name in my personal life but for my professional life, I'll be keeping my maiden name for the time being.

Effects

CheerLouth wrote: »

I've already decided to change my name as we are officially becoming a family unit.

And how about him taking your name instead?

salmocab

My wife kept her own name, frankly changing your name after having it for 30 something years is weird. Kids have my surname it really doesn’t matter nobody feels like we are less of a family for not having the same surname. I know a few couples who went this way.

love_love

I went for option 2, and tbh it wasn't even a consideration for me as my name is my name and his name is his. If we had had names that could have been meshed, I think we both would have considered that but mine is one syllable and his is four so it's a no go!

My mother kept her maiden name as well, which probably subconsciously contributes to why a name change was never a consideration for me. Growing up with a different surname to my mam was rarely notable, even at a time when it was definitely not the done thing, so I don't think children or anyone else would bat an eye at it these days.

I plan to give our kids my surname as a middle name so they can choose to be double barrelled if they want, or to use my surname for the craic if they ever want to and not run into any legal annoyances.

The bottom line is, the world's your oyster, you can literally do whatever you want so make sure that's what you do!

woodchuck

Personally I don't see why anybody needs to change their name when getting married. It's usually more of an issue when kids are on the scene. Do you really have to decide this right now? You can always keep your names and reexplore your options if/when a baby is on the horizon.

El_Duderino 09

theteal wrote: »

This comes up in conversation a bit as we're married 4 years now and as of yet had made no moves for name changes. MrsTeal will ask on occasion if I mind and I genuinely couldn't care less tbh. Our little one has my surname. I suppose it could be seen as weird that Dad and child have the same name but Mam doesn't, we've just not ran into any issues with it - even Mam and child getting flights without Dad (it tends to be peoples first question).

So to answer your question, OP, I suppose we're a vote for option 2 by default.

We did the same and don't have children. My sister did the same and is asked occasionally when flying with her son who has father's name (flying to and from Australia). I think it's easy enough to just keep some documents with the child's passport like birth cert. Or keep the evidence on your phone in case you're asked.

There was a case in the UK where a man stayed in a hotel with his young daughter. Totally normal, no funny stuff. The hotel asked for evidence that she was his daughters and he didn't have any. Once they asked they couldn't just forget about it in case he was a peado. So there was a big fuss.

I remember thinking that I would come up with a way if quickly demonstrating Im the father of the situation ever arises.

Loveinapril

redcuppatea wrote: »

Option 2 is very popular but is complicated if there are children in the future because we will want to have the same name of them and be a family unit.

I don't understand the 'family unit' argument. The two day labour that delivered my son doesn't disappear because he has his father's surname. It didn't make sense for me to change my name because it is mine. I only have brothers- why should I be the only member of my family with a different surname?! All of my educational qualifications are in my name, I am known in my professional area by my name, I spent 30+ years with this name. There was no way I was changing it.

.......

Loveinapril wrote: »

I don't understand the 'family unit' argument.

Whats to understand?

Some people like their family to be referred to as The Byrnes and for that to encompass the surname of every member of the family.

Its just about identifying as a unit of people related to each other.

Yermande

When I see a hyphenated name I immediately think that this person is utterly defined by their family name but also wants the benefit of their spouse's dynasty. It strikes me as self-important and the type of 'old-money' posturing you see in those upper-crust American movies from the 1940's. An entire class of people that tried to effectively reproduce the old British peerage system by inventing legacies for themselves. Pathetic.

Neyite

It matters far less than you think OP.

of the people in my immediate family, 2 didn't change their names, 1 double barrelled and luckily it wasn't too wanky-sounding, but very few surnames double-barrell well. Most of those married women have professional qualifications so use their maiden names in work and for work related stuff. Everyone still knows who's married and who isn't and nobody really bats an eyelid.



I'll probably take my husbands name as we've already got a child with his surname. I'm already occasionally called that surname locally by some people so even if I retained my maiden name (which I'll do for work) they'd call me by it anyway.

redcuppatea

I personally would like the same last name as my husband and children. I don't want it double barrelled, but I like the idea of merging/blending our names to create a new one. I read that it has been done, but I haven't really met anyone that has. Not sure how our families would feel either (not that it matters, we're not marrying them, but there could be some criticism.)

zedhead

Loveinapril wrote: »

I don't understand the 'family unit' argument. The two day labour that delivered my son doesn't disappear because he has his father's surname. It didn't make sense for me to change my name because it is mine. I only have brothers- why should I be the only member of my family with a different surname?! All of my educational qualifications are in my name, I am known in my professional area by my name, I spent 30+ years with this name. There was no way I was changing it.

Im a bit confused about how you don't understand the family unit, because part of the reason you want to keep your name is that you feel want to have the same name as your family (brothers) - You say you will be the only member of your family with a different surname, but surely your son and husband are part of your family too and you have a different surname to them?

Again I think that you do what you want for whatever reasons you want to do them, but I think I will be changing my name in my personal life (keep it for work unless maybe I change jobs in the future because thats easier) adn the 'Family Unit' is important to me and i hear so often from people that it makes no sense. It doesn't need to make sense to anyone else - just the person doing it.

I would be happy for him to take my name, or for us to make up a name - but he's not bothered about us having the same name, its only important to me so I will probably be the one doing the changing. In saying that, the closer it gets to actually getting married, the more i rethink the idea due to the general hassle of changing name....

secondrowgal

I'm really interested to see that, in all the replies here, not one person has said that they (the couple) chose to have their children's surname be the mother's surname. I mean even where the wife has not changed her name to her husband's and they go by their own names. And I don't mean in situations where the mother may have been a single mother or similar. I hope I'm making sense - I'm a bit jet-lagged

Loveinapril

zedhead wrote: »

Im a bit confused about how you don't understand the family unit, because part of the reason you want to keep your name is that you feel want to have the same name as your family (brothers) - You say you will be the only member of your family with a different surname, but surely your son and husband are part of your family too and you have a different surname to them?

That's a fair point. I suppose I am coming at it from the point that I would be changing my name from my birth name, there is no expectation that my brothers would change their names, but because I am female, there is an assumption that I will change my name to my husband's. Having the same surname as my son wasn't as important to me as it was to my husband, so we gave him his surname.

Addle

I think, given this era of equality, either both parties should or shouldn’t change their name.

PhoenixParker

Kept my maiden, kiddo has my surname as a second middle name.

That way it’s right there on his passport but it’s not awkward or convoluted like a double barrel.

With the flexibility of names in Ireland I suspect he’ll be able to switch to my surname if he ever feels like it.

Addle

Ya. You don’t need a deed poll to legally change your name here.
Just 2 years proof of use.

Scarinae

I will be keeping my name when we get married. I probably would have done this anyway for a few reasons - I have an unusual family name, and I already have a huge volume of work published under my current name - but we're also getting married in Quebec where you can't change your name with marriage. The province brought that law in several decades ago so most of our married friends here have different surnames; my fiancé's parents have the same surname though as they got married before the law came in. It is possible to change your name if you really want to but you need to find legal loopholes as the government will only allow it in an 'exceptional situation'. Personally I think that goes too far in the other direction as I think people should have the choice to change their name if they want to, even it is isn't a choice I would make myself. Amongst my Irish friends who have got married, most of the women have changed their names.

.......

Scarinae wrote: »

It is possible to change your name if you really want to but you need to find legal loopholes as the government will only allow it in an 'exceptional situation'.

So they dont have deed poll name changes in Quebec?

Whats the rationale for that? (completely separate to marriage I mean)

Scarinae

....... wrote: »

So they dont have deed poll name changes in Quebec?

Whats the rationale for that? (completely separate to marriage I mean)

They do have it, but it isn't allowed for marriage - I think you have to make a case that you want to change it for other reasons and it looks like a pain in the arse. From here:

The law permits a person to apply for a change of given name or surname under certain conditions.

Such a change is granted only if a serious reason, within the meaning of the Civil Code of Québec, has been shown.

Important

Under the Civil Code of Québec, both spouses retain their respective names in marriage and exercise civil rights under those names. Consequently, if a married woman wants to adopt her spouse's surname, the Directeur de l'état civil will authorize that change of name only in an exceptional situation.

SozBbz

I can't imagine ever giving up my name. My name feels part of my identity and I've zero desire to change it.

My OH and I don't have kids, only a cat who we've registered with a double barrel name at the vets and on his microchip, because we thought it was funny at the time. No way would I go double barrel with a child though, if we ever decide to have children.

When we do get married, we'll probably both keep our own names, although we sometimes joke that he should just take mine.

I'm very much the "doer" in our relationship and as such am more likely to have made hotel bookings etc. He then regularly gets refers to as "Mr Boz" when we arrive.

Also, and this is admittedly a bit petty, but his surname is somewhat silly sounding whereas I've quite a good (short, solid sounding, not too common) surname, so no way am I trading it in!

CheerLouth

secondrowgal wrote: »

I'm really interested to see that, in all the replies here, not one person has said that they (the couple) chose to have their children's surname be the mother's surname. I mean even where the wife has not changed her name to her husband's and they go by their own names. And I don't mean in situations where the mother may have been a single mother or similar. I hope I'm making sense - I'm a bit jet-lagged

My sister's family have actually done this. Herself and her husband go by their individual surnames & the two children have their mother's surname.

Faith

I’m in the camp of mostly keeping my maiden name and using my married name for some informal stuff. Professionally, I only use my maiden name, but use the married name on social media (mostly for anonymity) and occasionally when making bookings or reservations.

I’d love to agree on a new married name for both of us, but my husband is totally unwilling to change his name. Hypocritically, he’d like me to take his name fully though :rolleyes:. It was a bit of a bone of contention before we got married but we never talk about it any more and it doesn’t seem to matter.

pwurple

I started looking at what was involved in changing a name after marriage, and decided against it. Hassle was offputting. Qualifications and degrees in another name, passports,driving license, bank accounts, utility bills, shares, property, legal documents and probably most awkward of all, focking email addresses!

Most of the world doesn't do this, even across europe it's not the norm. It's not how spanish works for example. Even Ireland didn't do it up to recently (last 200 years). We were all O'Brian, son of brian... closer to how they do it in the nordic countries. It seems to be a pure hangover from the brits, which transferred to their colonies here and in the US/Aus. Probably from when women were property of men and virtually stamped with their name.


What I'm saying is, it's not as expected to change name. Choose whichever you prefer, there is no legal reason, or anything other than fashion and convenience, for doing it one way or another.

.......

pwurple wrote: »

I started looking at what was involved in changing a name after marriage, and decided against it. Hassle was offputting. Qualifications and degrees in another name, passports,driving license, bank accounts, utility bills, shares, property, legal documents and probably most awkward of all, focking email addresses!

I dont disagree that its a hassle but I genuinely dont know anyone who bothered changing degrees and qualifications into their married name, they just stated that the academic stuff is in their maiden name if asked.

pwurple

....... wrote: »

I dont disagree that its a hassle but I genuinely dont know anyone who bothered changing degrees and qualifications into their married name, they just stated that the academic stuff is in their maiden name if asked.

It depends on your job maybe. I have to provide my credentials relatively frequently, at least once a year, along with a medical history. Having everything in another name just adds a layer of unnecessary faff. Your mileage may vary.

eviltwin

I kept my name, it wasn't even considered that I would change it. I wouldn't have wanted him taking my name either.

.......

pwurple wrote: »

It depends on your job maybe. I have to provide my credentials relatively frequently, at least once a year, along with a medical history. Having everything in another name just adds a layer of unnecessary faff. Your mileage may vary.

You could just provide a copy of your marriage cert with them?

lazygal

Didn't change my name, didn't expect him to change his either. Our children have both our surnames, all dire speculation from other people didn't stop me wanting my name as part of theirs. Has caused zero hassle. Like we did, they can decide when they're older what names they want to us. The middle fella has already talked about shortening his first name when he's a teenager!

stefanovich

redcuppatea wrote: »

I'm getting married soon and we are trying to figure out what to do with our surnames.

These are some of the options:
1. Wife takes Husbands name
2. Wife keeps own name, Husband keeps own name
3. Hyphenate the names
4. Blend or mesh names to create a new family name, husband and wife change their names.

Option 1 is traditional, but if the husbands name isn't that nice, the wife may not be keen to take it. Or the wife may feel that they are entering into an equal partnership therefore taking the husbands name is not what she wants.

Option 2 is very popular but is complicated if there are children in the future because we will want to have the same name of them and be a family unit.

Option 3 is not really ideal, but does happen.

Option 4, this is interesting, when you get married you can change your name to 'i love lamp' by a deep poll, if you like. But typically it's a blend of both surnames.

Curious what are peoples take on Option 2 and 4, and have you seen option 4 before?

Option 1 of course. Why would anyone would want to break from tradition?

stefanovich

lazygal wrote: »

Didn't change my name, didn't expect him to change his either. Our children have both our surnames, all dire speculation from other people didn't stop me wanting my name as part of theirs. Has caused zero hassle. Like we did, they can decide when they're older what names they want to us. The middle fella has already talked about shortening his first name when he's a teenager!

All this hassle just so you can assert yourself?

lazygal

stefanovich wrote: »

All this hassle just so you can assert yourself?

Can you not read? I said there was no hassle. :rolleyes:

.......

stefanovich wrote: »

Option 1 of course. Why would anyone would want to break from tradition?

Cos we are not all sheep.

Mrsmum

I kept my name at work and in my private bank account ! Changed to his name on passport and generally outside of work sign my signature as his surname. Hop back and forth without any bother, actually it helps my brain to differentiate between work and home. His surname is way cooler than mine.

stefanovich

lazygal wrote: »

Can you not read? I said there was no hassle. :rolleyes:

Well there was of course. You decided you didn't want to take your husband's name causing a whole lot of confusion.

lazygal

stefanovich wrote: »

Well there was of course. You decided you didn't want to take your husband's name causing a whole lot of confusion.

What confusion has it caused?

Peatys

Loveinapril wrote: »

It didn't make sense for me to change my name because it is mine.

It's your dad's name. And one of your 4 grandparents, and one of your 8 great grandparents. No point being too sentimental about it.

lazygal

Peatys wrote: »

It's your dad's name. And one of your 4 grandparents, and one of your 8 great grandparents. No point being too sentimental about it.

Are you going to change your name?

Faith

stefanovich wrote: »

Well there was of course. You decided you didn't want to take your husband's name causing a whole lot of confusion.

Mod note: stefanovich, stop putting words in posters’ mouths and misrepresenting what they’ve said. It’s quite clear that you’re trying to stir the pot. If you can’t do that, then a thread ban might help next.

As I was typing this, you posted another trolling post, which I have kindly only deleted rather than infracting you, given this warning hadn’t yet been posted. But I’d strongly suggest you rethink whether you should continue posting to this thread.

Everyone else, this is a reminder that you don’t need to get drawn into replying to posts that you feel are inflammatory. You can just ignore them and deprive them of attention.

stefanovich

My humble opinion is that taking the husband's name, as is tradition, is simpler for all involved. Power struggles over surnames is a waste of energy that could be applied elsewhere to better effect.

Loveinapril

Peatys wrote: »

It's your dad's name. And one of your 4 grandparents, and one of your 8 great grandparents. No point being too sentimental about it.

Yep, and once I was born it became my name. My dad helped create me so it makes sense I would have his name. My mother has no connection with her family and couldn't wait to get rid of her surname upon marriage so it has no place in my life.

.......

stefanovich wrote: »

Power struggles over surnames is a waste of energy that could be applied elsewhere to better effect.

Why do you perceive it as a power struggle?

stefanovich

....... wrote: »

Why do you perceive it as a power struggle?

I really don't want to be inflammatory... My perception is that a lot of times the surname issue is really just used as a way for the woman to assert herself for the sake of it. Lay ground rules and disenfranchise the man from the outset.

.......

stefanovich wrote: »

I really don't want to be inflammatory... My perception is that a lot of times the surname issue is really just used as a way for the woman to assert herself for the sake of it. Lay ground rules and disenfranchise the man from the outset.

Disenfranchise?

I dont know what you mean by that. What right or privilege is a man being deprived of when his wife retains her own name?

stefanovich

....... wrote: »

Disenfranchise?

I dont know what you mean by that. What right or privilege is a man being deprived of when his wife retains her own name?

I just think it is a nice token of acceptance from the woman. It's simpler too.

SozBbz

stefanovich wrote: »

I just think it is a nice token of acceptance from the woman. It's simpler too.

Acceptance of her new ownership?

Why would/should any woman give up her name just to be "nice".

Presumably any new husband knows who he's marrying so if you want a strong, independent woman, then hardly a surprise if she opts to keep her own name and distinct identity.