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Dirty talk or just plain dirty?!

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    #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    I didn't go mental at all. I asked him to stop and he did then I said just leave but he didn't leave. He kissed me and said I'm sorry for making you feel bad and i said it's okay and we hung out, had breakfast and a beer together. That is hardly 'going mental'.
    I didn't raise my voice at him or get angry at him or anything.I am crazy about him.
    People on here just read what they want to read sometimes and add bits to the story that simply are not true to suit their own narrative.

    It sounds like you're changing the narrative yourself as you don't like the answers. Suddenly everything is rosy now and you like all this stuff. I'm pretty sure this is your third thread on this guy in a number of weeks, it doesn't sound right to me at all.


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    #33
    lunamoon
    Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    I don't like the idea of him doing something he feels uncomfortable doing just because his ex liked it.

    But it's ok for him to do it if you like it?:confused:


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    #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    lunamoon wrote: »
    But it's ok for him to do it if you like it?:confused:

    No! I didn't ask him to do it... he just started saying it because he thought I'd like it. He was uncomfortable and so was I. His ex liked it so he thought I might like it too. I would never ask him to do something just because I liked it. How selfish is that. That's not how sex works. I don't know where you're even getting that from. He asked em could he call me names, I didn't ask for it.
    I liked the slut as a once off kinda thing, wouldn't want it every single time but I didn't like the using me thing as we're not even exclusive and I took it literally and it upset me.


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    #35
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Loughc wrote: »
    I'm confused, your OP and recent posts seems to contradict themselves, if you got off on being called a slut and whore why the thread?

    I liked being called a slut but I didn't like him saying I'm just using you.. you're nothing but a sex toy to me. There is a difference. Slut was sexy but saying he's using me actually upset me.
    We're not together long enough for me to know where I stand and it wasn't nice to hear that. At the beining you always wonder if the other person is with other people, especially in this day and age of tinder etc. so him saying I'm just using you was horrible to hear.

    He then told me that he doesn't actually like it and that he felt very strange calling me a whore so I guess we should just stick to 'normal' sex talk like give it to me.. harder etc and not name calling.


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    #36
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Honestly it feels like you've sped ahead with the physical stuff whilst not having any real communication about the status of the relationship and what direction it's heading in and that's the real problem here.

    You don't seem to have a foundation of trust yet, and you basically don't know where you stand with him and are at the same time emotionally involved, which is why you're taking his dirty talk literally.

    It's good you're talking about it openly but now you need to go one step further and establish where this is going - is he interested in seeing other people or are you both exclusive? You also need to think about your own boundaries in these situations and if it's emotionally healthy for you to be escalating the sexual boundaries with someone before you know if you both are on the same page in terms of what you want. In my case, I just don't sleep with someone until we've had that conversation as sex is always an intimate act for me and it's too much of a headfcuk.


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    clam fandango wrote: »
    It sounds like you're changing the narrative yourself as you don't like the answers. Suddenly everything is rosy now and you like all this stuff. I'm pretty sure this is your third thread on this guy in a number of weeks, it doesn't sound right to me at all.

    I never said I like it now... I said in my opening post that I liked slut but that I didn't like him saying he's using me. My narrative hasn't changed. I still feel the exact same way. Slut can be sexy but saying i'm using you does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, it upset me.
    I also didn't go mental at him. I asked him to stop and he did. I told him I really didn't like it and maybe he should leave but he explained and things were find that morning. A few days later I kept thinking about it and wondering is he actually using me and is he sleeping with other people too. My narrative has not changed at all.


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    #38
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    bitofabind wrote: »
    Honestly it feels like you've sped ahead with the physical stuff whilst not having any real communication about the status of the relationship and what direction it's heading in and that's the real problem here.

    You don't seem to have a foundation of trust yet, and you basically don't know where you stand with him and are at the same time emotionally involved, which is why you're taking his dirty talk literally.

    It's good you're talking about it openly but now you need to go one step further and establish where this is going - is he interested in seeing other people or are you both exclusive? You also need to think about your own boundaries in these situations and if it's emotionally healthy for you to be escalating the sexual boundaries with someone before you know if you both are on the same page in terms of what you want. In my case, I just don't sleep with someone until we've had that conversation as sex is always an intimate act for me and it's too much of a headfcuk.

    Thank you so much for this, it is spot on. This is all stemming from me being unsure where I stand with him and I plan on asking him this evening. I would be so much more relaxed if I knew he liked me as much as I like him and his reaction tells me that he does but I need to have an actual conversation about it. Scary but this not knowing feeling is driving me crazy.
    I find sex very intimate and emotional too and I need to know if we're on the same page.
    Thank you for understanding.


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    #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok well you seem to be the same girl who posted about a guy wanting to watch porn, even though you weren't together properly, then you were worried about him wearing a suit for an Xmas night out, and now this. Why are you letting all this happen? Have you given him some false impression or being aloof and letting him think it's some kind of friends with benefits situation when clearly you want more?


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    #40
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    A few days later I kept thinking about it and wondering is he actually using me and is he sleeping with other people too. My narrative has not changed at all.

    Have you asked him this? If not, why not?


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    #41
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    I never said I like it now... I said in my opening post that I liked slut but that I didn't like him saying he's using me. My narrative hasn't changed. I still feel the exact same way. Slut can be sexy but saying i'm using you does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, it upset me.
    I also didn't go mental at him. I asked him to stop and he did. I told him I really didn't like it and maybe he should leave but he explained and things were find that morning. A few days later I kept thinking about it and wondering is he actually using me and is he sleeping with other people too. My narrative has not changed at all.
    Do the guy a favour and end the relationship.
    You don't trust him which is essential and he deserves not to have his head wrecked when you're together


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    #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Mckenzie Fresh Tights wrote: »
    Do the guy a favour and end the relationship.
    You don't trust him which is essential and he deserves not to have his head wrecked when you're together

    I don't know him that long! How can you trust someone you've only started seeing. I think it's foolish to trust right away. We have loads of fun together. We laugh constantly, love going out for dinners and beers and dancing. We've never had a cross word between us and his head isn't wrecked. We like each other and sex has been great. I just need to establish where I stand.


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    #43
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    I don't know him that long! How can you trust someone you've only started seeing. I think it's foolish to trust right away. We have loads of fun together. We laugh constantly, love going out for dinners and beers and dancing. We've never had a cross word between us and his head isn't wrecked. We like each other and sex has been great. I just need to establish where I stand.

    Call me old fashioned, but if you don't trust someone, don't sleep with them. Especially don't get into the more risky sex play stuff, because that requires strong boundaries, effective communication and discussion about what's ok and what's not ok. In other words...trust.


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    #44
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the advice. I am going to ask him tonight if we're exclusive and if the answer is yes happy days and if it's no then I'll walk away. If I have the reassurance that we're exclusive then I will trust him and will relax a lot more. I just don't think you should have that talk too early on. Then again as has been said, if you haven't had that talk you probably shouldn't be engaging in risky sex stuff. It's all a learning curve and dating is a tough game!


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    #45
    Scarinae
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    I just need to establish where I stand.
    I think this is the root of the whole issue. Talk to him about it - either he is happy to be exclusive, and your mind can be at rest, or he doesn't want to be exclusive and you can cut your losses and move on.


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    #46
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    bitofabind wrote: »
    Call me old fashioned, but if you don't trust someone, don't sleep with them. Especially don't get into the more risky sex play stuff, because that requires strong boundaries, effective communication and discussion about what's ok and what's not ok. In other words...trust.

    100% agreed with this. I would never put myself into such a vulnerable and risky position with someone I didn't trust. For some people, a bit of hair-pulling and a light spanking is rough. For others, it's part and parcel of "normal" sex. Rough for some people is leaving marks and strangulation so I certainly wouldn't get naked and alone with a person I didn't trust and tell them I like it "rough" and just hope they know what I mean!

    It's really clear in the progression from your opening post that you've added bits in and changed things to soften the whole experience. Most people are going to give you advice based on the original post because that's all the info you felt the need to provide.


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    #47
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sounds like he tried to go about things the right way, but went way too extreme with what he was saying early on. Maybe he's inexperienced because people would generally build up to that.

    There are lots of ways to go about dirty talk, even use of the word slut, it can be used playfully or kind of with playful aggression and be a hell of a turn on, if it's used in a more aggressive way such as you filthy little slut then a lot of women might be upset or turned off because of it.

    Anyone who enjoys a bit of dirty talk and has some experience in it will know there's a huge difference between I love when you're a good little slut for me versus you nasty little tramp you're only good for sex!!


    So I wouldn't go thinking that this was a red flag, but at the same time I wouldn't feel sorry for him either for being confused by her reaction or whatever he may have felt after it. As an adult he should have have the sense to start small and build up to that over time, or maybe ask in advance were certain more extreme things ok to say! It's a good lesson for him!


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    #48
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    ShaShaBear wrote: »
    ...I certainly wouldn't get naked and alone with a person I didn't trust and tell them I like it "rough" and just hope they know what I mean!...

    Strongly agree with this.

    If someone tells me that they like it rough then I would consider that such talk could possibly fall under that category.

    So, you try it out and see how it goes, always respecting boundaries of course. And he did respect your boundaries, he stopped as soon as you let him know that you did not like it, and was apologetic. This all reads perfectly fine to me so far. You then, however, asked him to leave? If I was him I would be totally pissed off with you because of this part.

    OP, I think you have handled this situation very badly. If you tell someone you like it rough then be prepared to get into a situation where you need to tell him that you do not like what you are doing, and that you want them to stop, without feeling the need to throw them out if something such as this happens again. Just my 2 cts.


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    #49
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    skallywag wrote: »
    If someone tells me that they like it rough then I would consider that such talk could possibly fall under that category.

    I would consider it could fall under the category but personally wouldn't go to extremes straight away without further discussion. I would also consider the fact that lots of people who like dirty talk like it to be more tame!


    I mean if someone said they liked some anal play I would hope that nobody would think it was ok to whip out a a 12" strap on without some further discussion!!


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    #50
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    I don't know him that long! How can you trust someone you've only started seeing. I think it's foolish to trust right away. We have loads of fun together. We laugh constantly, love going out for dinners and beers and dancing. We've never had a cross word between us and his head isn't wrecked. We like each other and sex has been great. I just need to establish where I stand.


    Honestly imo don't sleep with people before you trust them. It just leads to complications and misunderstandings.

    Maybe that isn't for everyone though.


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    #51
    Floppybits
    Registered Users Posts: 7,546 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    For a casual relationship it sounds like a lot of hard work. I know lots of people who have been told by partners they weren't their normal type and that was the reason they ended up loving them more. For me people who restrict themselves to a type are missing out.

    I think if it was me i would be calling things quits and going our separate ways


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    #52
    Millionaire only not
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,625 ✭✭✭Millionaire only not


    iamnotasexdoll wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice. I am going to ask him tonight if we're exclusive and if the answer is yes happy days and if it's no then I'll walk away. If I have the reassurance that we're exclusive then I will trust him and will relax a lot more. I just don't think you should have that talk too early on. Then again as has been said, if you haven't had that talk you probably shouldn't be engaging in risky sex stuff. It's all a learning curve and dating is a tough game!


    He’s definitely there for the sex and ur ticking all the boxes, ur not his usual type so he’s going belittle u as he no intention of staying long term .
    He wants the brunette with big boobs for sex while he’s waiting for little size 6 blonde to start a family with to come along


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    #53
    yaboya1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,610 ✭✭✭yaboya1


    FFVII wrote: »
    FFS, if I was him I run a fecking mile!!!

    Life to short to be dealing with whatever **** you have going on OP.

    You need to cop on. Quick.

    Not some 6 month soul searching sh1t...I mean quick.

    +1


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    #54
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    As the thread appears to have run its course, I'm going to lock this thread.

    Thanks & grma all who posted.

    Thread locked


This discussion has been closed.
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