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Dirty talk or just plain dirty?!
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04-12-2019 6:06pm#1I’ve recently started seeing a guy who I really like and s*x so far has been great. We have had pillow talk about what kind of s*x we are both into and I mentioned that sometimes I like it rough.
A few nights later we were having s*x and he asked if he could call me names. I’ve never been asked that before, it has actually never happened naturally either so I was a bit taken aback but said ok.
He then proceeded to call me a dirty sl*t and filthy wh*re and told me he’s just using me.
I immediately told him to stop and he did and I asked him to leave. He was really apologetic and said he thought I would be into that and that I said I like it rough. I said yeah.. there’s rough and there’s
abuse! By rough I meant pulling my hair and grabbing me a bit. I did not mean being called names. He said but you said it was ok.
I feel really uncomfortable since. I didn’t mind so much sl*t as that can be kinda s*xy but who wants to be told they are being used?!
We go on dates to the cinema, nice restaurants, we hold hands and are very affectionate outside of the bedroom. He told me he is not using me and he feels awful for saying that. He said why would he message me so much and care about me so much if he was using me. All signs point to him just being a just stupid in the moment or am I complete fool for even listening to his excuse for saying those things?
I’m really confused by this and any outside opinions are greatly appreciated.0
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Navigating sex with someone new is awkward and both can get it wrong ...but it really shouldn't be a negative experience - and I mean that to be directed to you. Do you not think maybe he was trying out what he thought you'd like and just got it wrong? Next time try take that appoach- appreciate that he's up for experimenting - if you fly off the handle and kick him out he'll quickly shut down and not want to experiment. It's just sex and kinks...if he tried to pull your hair and you weren't into rough play you could easily assume he likes to mistreat women bla bla...try to leave any of those assumptions at the door and take it with an open mind. The only thing I'd read into this is that he is open to experimenting, wants to please you, and is ready to stop the minute you're not comfortable and later is happy to apologise and discuss if things went too far from your view...those are all positive caring traits of someone that respects you.
Btw being told Ur being used for sex can also be a turn on for other ppl, just maybe not for you0 -
Don't see the big issue here. Especially when find being called a slut sexy. If you genuinely thought that he did think you were actually a slut I'd assume you wouldn't be happy about that at all. So if you accept he can call you a slut and not actually mean it then I don't understand why you can't accept he can say he is using you and also not mean it.
It's a fantasy for him and it turns him on. You are reading far too much into it imo. I'd say all sorts of filth during sex but I would never actually mean it.0 -
HI OP. I am with my bf for a few years now and he is The One, he is kind and gentle and empathetic. I can rely on him when things go wrong. I would be lost without him. Sometimes we make love saying nice things to each other, but every now and then we say things to each other like 'use me like your sexdoll', 'I am just your sex toy'. It goes both ways and for me it only works because it's *not* true, but it can be a turn on to live in that moment and just think about the sex/orgasm, and not the moment.
From everything else you have said, your guy is good. I think it was way harsh to kick him out after he literally asked permission and you said yes. Sometimes my bf has gotten things 'wrong' with me but I think if you explain it is not your style, and the other person accepts that, then all's good! Your guy has apologised and he seems like he is worth another chance. Best of luck x0 -
iamnotasexdoll wrote: »He then proceeded to call me a dirty sl*t and filthy wh*re and told me he’s just using me.
I immediately told him to stop and he did and I asked him to leave. He was really apologetic and said he thought I would be into that and that I said I like it rough. I said yeah.. there’s rough and there’s
abuse! By rough I meant pulling my hair and grabbing me a bit. I did not mean being called names. He said but you said it was ok.
Have you never heard the rhyme in your childhood that "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me"?
Are you saying for example that you never take a job being an actor because you'll get upset if the lines in the script make you take offense?
You're role playing but you're definition and his of that seen to be very divergent and you should have said what boundaries at the outset you're not comfortable with.0 -
He just said some ****ed up **** that turned him .....it doesn't mean anything.
A guy could be in love hopelessly with a woman ..like head of heels and be her love slave ..yet really get turned on when he says she is being used and his whore etc. Its not really representative of reality its FANTASY.
But now you now you are NOT turned on by it. And it's actually a HUGE turn off for you.
That is in reality what happened. You got turned off ..it erm ..killed the mood.
The thing with 'role playing' is people come in and out of it ....its not the same as being on stage ..if someone calls you a slut on stage as an actress it tends to be something the two of you laugh about after ....but in 'role playing' (which is a really bad name for it tbh ) you are not acting ...you are using an act to provoke a feeling you enjoy in yourself or feelings of excitement and adrenaline. Which is not the same as what actors do onstage.
So people in role playing tend to slip in and out of roles and lines can become very blurred.
It seems to me both of you went into this without knowing each other very well. IMO you have to create a deep intimacy before you can do other things.
You probably didn't even know your own boundaries until they were crossed. Thats the thing you don't actually know HOW you will feel until it happens really do you? And you might feel differently about it with someone else or a much more serious relationship.
I have no idea what his feelings are for you etc.
Thing is you will forget what people say ..but never what they make you feel ....and he made you feel awful ....that will be hard to forget for you imo.
It could be give it a bit of time ..you'll forget and have a relationship with this guy.
I think you need to create a bit more intamacy tho with him first before you experiment etc.
By the way if neither of you have done something before ..no only are you not going to know how to do it ...YOU ARE NOT GOING TO KNOW HOW YOU WILL FEEL DOING IT EITHER
Men tend to be a bit more detached than women about things. Men should be a bit more sensitive.
So look after yourself.
No advice whether he feels this or that ...no idea.0 -
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Sorry OP, I do feel like you’re being over-sensitive here. I’m not saying you should be into this stuff, but you said you didn’t feel fully comfortable but said okay. The right thing to do there is to properly communicate how you feel. He asked could he call you names and dirty talk, you communicated yes, he did just that and ultimately you threw him out for it. You should’ve communicated that you felt a bit uncomfortable but were willing to give it a try, because that’s how you actually felt. That would’ve meant he’d have likely eased into it and tested the waters rather than going straight to 10 because he assumed you were into it (because that’s what you communicated to him).
It’s okay to try stuff and realise during that you don’t like it, but when you give someone the greenlight to try stuff, you can’t then punish them for the fact that you didn’t like it. He’s not responsible for that, you could’ve absolutely loved it and you wouldn’t know unless you tried it. You could’ve just said stop and that you weren’t actually into it, then had a conversation and gotten closer and a better mutual understanding of each other. Instead you chose to kick him out and put up a wall in your relationship over something that you initially okayed. You’re kinda the architect of your own downfall in that sense.
I also feel like there are some issues there regarding sex that’d be worth exploring, for your own benefit. Even in your post you censor the word for some reason (it’s not a curse or bad word), despite the username that you chose also containing the word uncensored. You like being called a slut during sex sometimes, but don’t like being told you’re being used, which is kinda the same thing when you boil it down. These are complete contradictions like. This lad isn’t responsible for these issues and it’s unfair to punish him just because he happened to be there when you discovered them.
In conclusion: it’s healthy to communicate openly and have frank, honest, mature conversations about sex, even if it involves you saying “I don’t like this”. Building an understanding of what you both like/dislike is the backbone of creating a good sex life. Sex isn’t a dirty word and roleplaying isn’t inherently wrong or dirty, though it’s also fine if it’s not for you too. Don’t shame someone for being into something you’re not, that’s how walls go up and everything becomes ****ty. Instead be open, honest and always look to build intimacy rather than pushing people you like away because ultimately you’ll be the one to benefit from it in the long run.0 -
Is this the guy who wanted to watch porn after a little while? It sounds like something is off alright, trust your gut, you shouldn't be this paranoid already.0
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Thank you so much for the very helpful replies so far. I’m so relieved and happy to read a variety of opinions and all of them saying it’s not actually a big deal.
As usual, there is more to the story so for a bit more context, right before we had sex we were talking about our ‘types’ and he basically described the opposite of me.
He said that it’s really weird how attracted to me he is because usually he goes for girls with small boobs (mine are really big) and blonde hair (I have dark hair).
He said his friends would all assume he’d be with a tiny little blonde girl. This made me feel like ****. I felt so uncomfortable. Also, we’re only together a few weeks so I don’t really know where I stand so that coupled with being told I’m being used really upset me. He didn’t leave when I said leave either. I said that in the heat of the moment but as soon as he said sorry I said it’s ok and we hung out for a while.
It’s just now, days later that I’m reflecting on his comments and I feel really bad about myself. I really like my body and my hair and it hurts to be told that the guy you’re with doesn’t. Well, he said he does but it’s unusal that he does.
Again, maybe I am overreacting and I welcome any thoughts. Thank you guys.0 -
OP...
You ask your BF to be rough
BF is rough
BF asks can you call him names, you agree
BF calls you names
You over-react and throw him out...?
So you get to call the shots here, is that right? And he can't explore what he thought was something that both of you liked? Fair enough if you didn't like being called a $lut but jaysus christ he isn't a mind reader. If I was him I would be VERY nervous about future encounters with you.0 -
never_mind wrote: »OP...
You ask your BF to be rough
BF is rough
BF asks can you call him names, you agree
BF calls you names
You over-react and throw him out...?
So you get to call the shots here, is that right? And he can't explore what he thought was something that both of you liked? Fair enough if you didn't like being called a $lut but jaysus christ he isn't a mind reader. If I was him I would be VERY nervous about future encounters with you.
He is not my boyfriend and that's not how it happened. I actually did like being a slut. I just really didn't like being told I am being used as I don't know where I stand with him or if we are even exclusive yet and I simply didn't find it sexy. I thought this was his way of telling me he literally is using me and it freaked me out.0 -
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I think your reaction was totally overblown.
There are situations where a female has gone to bed with a guy (partner or fling) and they immediately engage in rough sex, name calling, and a forced and oppressive style of sex - with no prior discussion. A female in that situation has every right to be angry and to ask the guy to leave.
By contrast, your partner discussed what kind of sex you like beforehand. He then asked your permission to call you names. He did everything by the book. You told him it was ok to proceed.................... then chastised him when he did. That's totally unfair.
Perhaps (for both of you) your communication and definitions of 'rough sex' and 'name calling' need to be more clearly expressed, but really......... what did you think he meant - that he was going to call you sugar plum? I think it's wholly obvious from his apologies, his generally affectionate and loving nature and time together to date that he's not using you, and this was a case of putting him playing a role in the bedroom which you had pretty much agreed to.
To be honest, I think it should be you apologising to him for giving out mixed signals and making him feel like he's somehow abused you.0 -
I agree with everyone above. There is something that I want to add and that is how the guy must be feeling. If the guy is a nice guy and I can only assume that because of his behaviour, he must feel like absolute Sh1t. Imagine being told by the girl you are seeing to get out, it must be devastating for him. I know when I was reading the OP I was putting myself in his shoes and thinking WTF have I done wrong and would have felt like dirt and a total assh0le.
I don't know if you have spoke to him since OP but you need to apologise to him. Imagine how you would feel if roles were reversed and he threw you out after you did something he was uncomfortable with after speaking about it and agreeing to try it, how would you feel?0 -
FFS, if I was him I run a fecking mile!!!
Life to short to be dealing with whatever **** you have going on OP.
You need to cop on. Quick.
Not some 6 month soul searching sh1t...I mean quick.0 -
iamnotasexdoll wrote: »He is not my boyfriend and that's not how it happened. I actually did like being a slut. I just really didn't like being told I am being used as I don't know where I stand with him or if we are even exclusive yet and I simply didn't find it sexy. I thought this was his way of telling me he literally is using me and it freaked me out.
But that is how it happened. That's what's in your OP.
I wouldn't normally be this dismissive but you are completely overreacting and clearly upsetting this guy. I agree with the poster above that you owe him an apology.
He asked you if it would be okay. You said yes. He said something that turned you on, then said something that you didn't like. You asked him to stop, and he did. That's all fine and that should be the end of it. You tried something, turned out you don't like it, you don't do it again. Okay.
It was make-believe.
You need to think here - why is being called a slut okay, but being told you're used isn't and there must be an ulterior motive to it? Why would one term be fantasy and the other be reality? Why is it completely arbitrary?
You don't get to turn around and make him feel guilty and ashamed for engaging in something you said yes to, then changed your mind about it. It really does seem that you're focused on how you are feeling that you haven't given his feelings a second thought.
I think you should probably move on from this guy, as it sounds to me like this incident has soured things for you. You need to remember that your insecurities are not for other people to feel bad about and are yours alone to deal with. You need to step back and examine how you are making him feel, not the other way around.0 -
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Honestly it sounds like you like names /rough stuff as a fantasy but not in practice. That's fine, as long as you know for certain what you like and what you don't like, what you would accept being a reality and what needs to remain firmly a fantasy. Or maybe you do like these things but only in a committed relationship that's a bit more established. All of that is ok. But you need to figure these things out and be clear in your own head where, when and with who you like that.
I do think you need to apologise. He listened to what you said you wanted, checked with you before doing what he thought would please you then you got mad and tossed him out.0 -
iamnotasexdoll wrote: »...
As usual, there is more to the story so for a bit more context, right before we had sex we were talking about our ‘types’ and he basically described the opposite of me.
He said that it’s really weird how attracted to me he is because usually he goes for girls with small boobs (mine are really big) and blonde hair (I have dark hair)...
This could actually be a compliment (albeit expressed clumsily) meant to communicate how attracted and into to you he is, even though physically, you are not the type he usually goes for.0 -
OP communication is key in everything here. I don't think you are wrong for being upset but rather than over analysing it days later you should talk to him. I think he's communicated he's attraction to you in manor you've taken up wrong. Him saying your not the type he usually goes for I wouldn't see as him trying to put you down or using you. He probably thought it was a compliment. I know I made a similar comment to my OH after we'd been dating a little while that they were not physically the type I ever went for but in the context of the conversation they knew it wasn't a put down of them.
As regards the dirty talk I will disagree with several comments made that you said yes then changed your mind so are at fault. You said yes to trying it and it wasn't having the same effect on you as him. If you aren't enjoying something when it comes to sex you are allowed to stop it. Just because you agreed to something at the start, if at any point you don't feel comfortable you should be able to say so. Your reaction of asking him to leave was over the top though. Thats were good communication comes into play with couples. It can be hard to have that communication, nothing kills the mood more than sitting down to discuss wants, needs, likes and dislikes in a clinical manner. And even if you do you might still find you don't enjoy something. Myself and my partner agreed to try something new in bed and I was up for it, thought I'd enjoy it but when we started I knew straight away it wasn't going to do anything for me and in fact made me feel very uncomfortable and asked to stop. My partner was understanding but we are together years and try to be very open when it comes to sex.
If you really like this guy and want to further the relationship then sit down and discuss the issue, don't sit in your head reading into things.0 -
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can't log in wrote: »
As regards the dirty talk I will disagree with several comments made that you said yes then changed your mind so are at fault. You said yes to trying it and it wasn't having the same effect on you as him. If you aren't enjoying something when it comes to sex you are allowed to stop it. Just because you agreed to something at the start, if at any point you don't feel comfortable you should be able to say so. Your reaction of asking him to leave was over the top though. Thats were good communication comes into play with couples. It can be hard to have that communication, nothing kills the mood more than sitting down to discuss wants, needs, likes and dislikes in a clinical manner. And even if you do you might still find you don't enjoy something. Myself and my partner agreed to try something new in bed and I was up for it, thought I'd enjoy it but when we started I knew straight away it wasn't going to do anything for me and in fact made me feel very uncomfortable and asked to stop. My partner was understanding but we are together years and try to be very open when it comes to sex.
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This is a very fair and valid point, and something I should have said in my own post.
You are allowed at any stage to change your mind, or to ask him to stop for any reason. But I do think that kicking him out was an over-reaction if he did stop immediately as you asked.0 -
In your mind there is a clear line between him saying he's just using you and everything else he said, but I think most posters on here don't see that line as clearly as you do, and don't consider 'being used' as going so far beyond the other stuff.
Tell him you realise you over-reacted and try to get things back to normal.
Don't over-analyse yourself out of the relationship.0 -
On the face of it OP (and now you've provided more context) i can see why you were upset when he said he used the terms 'using you'! I know I would be as well. At least in the initial stages.....I do commend his follow-up behaviour though which is a good sign in all of this. His remorse shows he truly cares about and is respectful of your feelings. I've little doubt he's genuinely sorry about all of this.
However, what's really important in all of this is the actual intention behind the action. What you really need to do now is explore with him exactly why this turns him on. This is crucial in terms of whether or not it helps to allay your fears. You never know what lies behind all of this until you communicate with him further.
Incidentally, it's not at all uncommon for people to fall for (and even eventually marry) someone who they considered wasn't their original 'type' at all. I know this has happened quite a few of my friends!0 -
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Calypso Realm wrote: »On the face of it OP (and now you've provided more context) i can see why you were upset when he said he used the terms 'using you'! I know I would be as well. At least in the initial stages.....I do commend his follow-up behaviour though which is a good sign in all of this. His remorse shows he truly cares about and is respectful of your feelings. I've little doubt he's genuinely sorry about all of this.
However, what's really important in all of this is the actual intention behind the action. What you really need to do now is explore with him exactly why this turns him on. This is crucial in terms of whether or not it helps to allay your fears. You never know what lies behind all of this until you communicate with him further.
Incidentally, it's not at all uncommon for people to fall for (and even eventually marry) someone who they considered wasn't their original 'type' at all. I know this has happened quite a few of my friends!
Thank you for this and for all the advice so far which I have taken on board. I have apologies to him for my overreaction and he said he understands why I took it badly so that's good.
He told me that his ex liked that kind of sex and that's why he did it, that's where it came from. My response - I'm not your ex and please don't try recreate what you had with her. I must add, him saying that about sex with his ex wasn't exactly great to hear either but hopefully we can work through this and come out stronger.0 -
Just to add one last detail to this, we didn't have the sex talk/rough conversation right before we had sex. We had the conversation weeks ago and have had a fair bit of rough sex since including him calling me a whore etc which I did get off on.
On this particular morning, we had been lying in bed talking about our 'types' and how great we think sex is between us. Then we started having sex and that's when he said it. It kind of came out of nowhere for me. Plus we're a very new couple so trust isn't built up yet and for all I know he is using me! (I don't think he is now so maybe this was a good thing in a way).0 -
iamnotasexdoll wrote: »My response - I'm not your ex and please don't try recreate what you had with her.
The poor guy probably hasn't a clue what's going on. Everything he asked, you agreed to and then went mental and overreacted anyway.
Then your response above also comes across as very hostile. He'll soon run because he's getting given out to for everything he says or does .0 -
cannotlogin wrote: »The poor guy probably hasn't a clue what's going on. Everything he asked, you agreed to and then went mental and overreacted anyway.
Then your response above also comes across as very hostile. He'll soon run because he's getting given out to for everything he says or does .
I agree, what if he loved the rough sex and name calling with his ex,is he not allowed have that again with his new partner because he did it with her?0 -
iamnotasexdoll wrote: »My response - I'm not your ex and please don't try recreate what you had with her. I must add, him saying that about sex with his ex wasn't exactly great to hear either but hopefully we can work through this and come out stronger.
Sorry OP, but that sounds very heavy and philosophical for a casual or new relationship.To thine own self be true
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It sounds like he only brought up the ex when talking through it with you afterwards. If you had been in the middle of sex and out of nowhere he'd gone "Let's try this thing, my ex LOVED it" then I'd understand your annoyance, but I think he was just trying to explain it's a thing he likes to say during sex. Presumably he was in a relationship with his ex and wasn't just using her? If so then I think it is something he likes to say and get off on. The fact he stopped immediately when you told him to stop is a good thing, and he's also been willing to talk it over with you.iamnotasexdoll wrote: »He told me that his ex liked that kind of sex and that's why he did it, that's where it came from. My response - I'm not your ex and please don't try recreate what you had with her. I must add, him saying that about sex with his ex wasn't exactly great to hear either but hopefully we can work through this and come out stronger.
Is it possible that you're feeling insecure about things because you're not sure if you're in a relationship or if it is more casual? Perhaps you should have the conversation about whether or not ye are exclusive.0 -
I agree, what if he loved the rough sex and name calling with his ex,is he not allowed have that again with his new partner because he did it with her?
Haha of course not! I'm a very sexual person and I'm willing to try anything. I don't acre what he did with his ex, I have plenty of ex's too, most people do. He told me he doesn't actually like rough sex and feels really uncomfortable doing it but his ex loved it so he did it. She liked being called names etc.
I like rough sex just not being told I'm being used as a sex toy. I don't like the idea of him doing something he feels uncomfortable doing just because his ex liked it.
We talked it over last night and he told me he was worried he couldn't keep up with me or that he wouldn't excite me enough so he was trying to be rough and raw etc. He's quite a shy guy so he is out of his comfort zone and he asked if we can just have 'regular' sex. He doesn't even like the slut whore thing which is a shame now cos I really got off on it!0 -
cannotlogin wrote: »The poor guy probably hasn't a clue what's going on. Everything he asked, you agreed to and then went mental and overreacted anyway.
Then your response above also comes across as very hostile. He'll soon run because he's getting given out to for everything he says or does .
I didn't go mental at all. I asked him to stop and he did then I said just leave but he didn't leave. He kissed me and said I'm sorry for making you feel bad and i said it's okay and we hung out, had breakfast and a beer together. That is hardly 'going mental'.
I didn't raise my voice at him or get angry at him or anything.I am crazy about him.
People on here just read what they want to read sometimes and add bits to the story that simply are not true to suit their own narrative.0 -
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iamnotasexdoll wrote: »He then proceeded to call me a dirty sl*t and filthy wh*re and told me he’s just using me.
I immediately told him to stop and he did and I asked him to leave. He was really apologetic and said he thought I would be into that and that I said I like it rough. I said yeah.. there’s rough and there’s
abuse! By rough I meant pulling my hair and grabbing me a bit. I did not mean being called names.iamnotasexdoll wrote: »He's quite a shy guy so he is out of his comfort zone and he asked if we can just have 'regular' sex. He doesn't even like the slut whore thing which is a shame now cos I really got off on it!iamnotasexdoll wrote: »People on here just read what they want to read sometimes and add bits to the story that simply are not true to suit their own narrative.
I'm confused, your OP and recent posts seems to contradict themselves, if you got off on being called a slut and whore why the thread?0 -
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iamnotasexdoll wrote: »I didn't go mental at all. I asked him to stop and he did then I said just leave but he didn't leave. He kissed me and said I'm sorry for making you feel bad and i said it's okay and we hung out, had breakfast and a beer together. That is hardly 'going mental'.
I didn't raise my voice at him or get angry at him or anything.I am crazy about him.
People on here just read what they want to read sometimes and add bits to the story that simply are not true to suit their own narrative.
Another poster touched on this, but are you feeling insecure in where you stand with him? Maybe that’s why what he said pulled you up short? I personally wouldn’t be engaging in stuff like that until a firm relationship base was established.
When it comes to sex, if you’re not okay with something, then you’re not okay with it - full stop! You’re allowed to say “no” and “stop” and “I don’t like that”. I think the key for dirty talk like that is to establish what you are or aren’t comfortable with before you begin. If a person engages in BDSM, they’ll have talked about what they are or aren’t okay with, set a safe word etc., before they begin. this is no different.
But I’d definitely by establishing whether you are an actual couple or not first.0
This discussion has been closed.
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