Lost hope

LegacyUser · 26-11-2020 10:31pm #1

I am unsure as to why I am making this post, I just need a release

My wife abuses me, physically, mentally. Ive become a prisoner in my home. Life is one endless cycle of fear and walking on egg shells. I work from home and the latest is too take my laptop to prevent me working, interupt workcalls with threats of embarrassing in front of colleagues.

Over the years ive been hit, called names daily, locked outside for days,told to kill myself, get cancer and do everyone a favour is another favorite. Im not perfect, i do everything i can to provide. Ive a good well paid job, professional

Mentally ive always been solid but im slowly losing hope..in what I dont know maybe myself.

I appreciate people will offer advice, condemn her, question what i may have done etc. I just needto out this 'out there'for me if that makes sense.

Thank you for listening

thefasteriwalk · 27-11-2020 11:12am

Get out of there.

Dial Hard · 27-11-2020 11:41am

Leaving this relationship is definitely the best option but I appreciate it's easier said than done.

I think the first thing you need to do is call Amen and speak to someone who understands your situation and can give you a sympathetic ear and practical advice. Do that today, please.

Can you speak to family/friends too?

santana75 · 27-11-2020 12:00pm

Why would you stay in a situation like that? You've spelled it out yourself, its not like you dont see it. Is it a fear of being single? If so you need to face that otherwise you'll allow people to abuse you for the rest of your life. A relationship is meant to add to your life not something where you're getting beat up in every way. You deserve better than this, leave her and dont take this nonsense for even one more day.

Goodigal · 27-11-2020 12:28pm

You've acknowledged it here. Your life is a misery. Another human being is not entitled to treat you like that. Leave the house as soon as you can. Please talk to someone and arrange somewhere safe to stay.

LegacyUser · 27-11-2020 12:30pm

Thanks for the replies

My fear I suppose is the Irish justice system and family courts.

I also fear accepting failure

Apart from work 'friends' ive lost all close friends and family due to beingisolated by her over the years. Or she has created issues amongst those i was close to

bertiebomber · 27-11-2020 12:35pm

Jesus i am a woman and i am feeling sorry for you just take a bag of your things and leave rent a room in a house with other guys and just relax for a few weeks do your work and drink a few beers. This is no life for you and you are a good provider just walk she will behave when you stop paying the mortgage and the groceries. Its takes about 4 years to have a house re possessed a few months off not paying the mortgage will put some manners on her & wont do any real damage to your ownership.. if she tries to be nice continue to live with the lads and start paying a few bills. Dont let her know where you live and limit answering the barrage of calls you will get. The first step takes a bit of courage but once you move you will ask yourself why you didnt do so sooner. Good luck.

Airyfairy12 · 27-11-2020 2:21pm

Sorry to hear what youre going through. I wouldnt leave just yet, contact Amen and contact a solicitor and dont let her know that youve done any of this. When you get advice from those services then leave but make sure you have all your ducks in a row so to speak before you do.

December2012 · 27-11-2020 2:29pm

Could you also speak with somebody you work with, to explain that situation (confidentially) so that they can appreciate where you are coming from if she does something more with your work / laptop?

cannotlogin · 27-11-2020 2:36pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

I also fear accepting failure

Apart from work 'friends' ive lost all close friends and family due to beingisolated by her over the years. Or she has created issues amongst those i was close to

There is zero failure here. It will be a success to get yourself out of that situation.

A lot of people will be happy for you that you've got out and will support you. Reach out to them.

You cannot stay in a situation like that. Contact amen.ie for support too.

Caranica · 27-11-2020 3:00pm

Just FYI op Amen are now Men's Aid www.mensaid.ie is their website.

Sardonicat · 27-11-2020 4:47pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

Thanks for the replies

My fear I suppose is the Irish justice system and family courts.

I also fear accepting failure

Apart from work 'friends' ive lost all close friends and family due to beingisolated by her over the years. Or she has created issues amongst those i was close to

If an old friend I'd lost contact with got in touch with me and confided to me what you have I'd welcome him into my life with open arms and do anything I could to help and support him. Wouldn't you do the same? My heart would break if I thought an old friend was going through something like this and was afraid to renew contact and ask for help because of the lapse of time. I wouldn't care if its been 5, 10 or 15 years, if you were my friend I'd want to be there for you and I promise you that you still have friends who would be there for you now.

spaceHopper · 27-11-2020 4:49pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

Thanks for the replies

My fear I suppose is the Irish justice system and family courts.

I also fear accepting failure

Apart from work 'friends' ive lost all close friends and family due to beingisolated by her over the years. Or she has created issues amongst those i was close to

Pick up the phone and ask for help you'd be surprised. When you say family courts you must have kids. Do you want them to see you like this. Do you want them to think this is normal. You can do it. It will probably leave you with very little money for a while but you will be much better off. If you have parent or siblings ask for help. They probably don't know the extent of it but they probably figured out she "bosses you about". Ask for help worst case they say now and she never finds out, you approach it another way.

LegacyUser · 27-11-2020 6:25pm

Thank you all for the replies and advice, encouragement. I must be cutting onions as my eyes welled up reading some Sardonicat in particular

I would try confide in work but not 100% convinced it would remain confidential.

Family is a sore point, i suspect they know but Ive fallen out with them, sometimes in defence if her

I will contact Amen too

cannotlogin · 27-11-2020 6:58pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies and advice, encouragement. I must be cutting onions as my eyes welled up reading some Sardonicat in particular

I would try confide in work but not 100% convinced it would remain confidential.

Family is a sore point, i suspect they know but Ive fallen out with them, sometimes in defence if her

I will contact Amen too

Sardonicat is 100% right. I Would be the exact same. Most people would. Your family will probably be thrilled you're leaving. They probably have an inkling into what she is like.

Openmind2020 · 27-11-2020 8:55pm

Life is too short , be brave and stand up
This is not ok , u deserve peace and happiness 2 simple yet taken for granted things
Walk and dont look back
Peace and nornal are not something you should need to fight for
U deserve those things ,and more

crazylady1 · 27-11-2020 11:09pm

Hi OP. I have a friend who was in a similar position to you. His wife also said terrible things to him. And was abusive both mentally and physically. He had tears in his eyes telling us the awful stuff she had done to him. We knew she wasn't a nice person but to hear the details was shocking. He too had lost touch with his family and friends.

They are divorced now and he is much happier in himself. She still tries to create drama but he is able to deal with it now as there is distance between them.

He has reconnected with his family and friends. Everyone was so happy to hear from him. Reach out to your family OP. They will be delighted delighted to hear from you. They can give you the confidence and support that you need now.

It's very hard to see the woods from the trees when you are in the middle of it. But trust me you will be so much happier if you leave this women.

Sonic the Shaghog · 27-11-2020 11:29pm

I'm assuming it's the kids and fear of losing access that's really stopping you?

Maybe take baby steps. Go to a solicitor yourself, say nothing and get advice that's your first step.

However a big thing here is if she does this to you I wouldn't trust her with your kids either, she's dangerous, who's to say she won't start targeting one of your children next?

I'd be gathering evidence, make a detailed written log and also ask a solicitor if video evidence might help

I certainly can't see a judge being too generous if he sees what she's capable of

December2012 · 28-11-2020 10:05am

I know you say that you're not close to your family and friends because of the past. She did that. She has manipulated situations and isolated you. That is part of the abuse. Is she abusive to your children (if you have any?)

bertiebomber · 28-11-2020 6:50pm

If you reach out to your family and they accept you with open arms that will already un-nerve her she is relying on no one helping you divide and conquer. No mother under the sun wouldn't reach out to her son when he is in this awful place and help him. Your family might surprise you, do it before Xmas and spend Xmas in a home with a heart.

bertiebomber · 28-11-2020 6:51pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

If an old friend I'd lost contact with got in touch with me and confided to me what you have I'd welcome him into my life with open arms and do anything I could to help and support him. Wouldn't you do the same? My heart would break if I thought an old friend was going through something like this and was afraid to renew contact and ask for help because of the lapse of time. I wouldn't care if its been 5, 10 or 15 years, if you were my friend I'd want to be there for you and I promise you that you still have friends who would be there for you now.

I was extremely moved by your post what a lovely person you must be.

cj maxx · 28-11-2020 8:06pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

I am unsure as to why I am making this post, I just need a release

My wife abuses me, physically, mentally. Ive become a prisoner in my home. Life is one endless cycle of fear and walking on egg shells. I work from home and the latest is too take my laptop to prevent me working, interupt workcalls with threats of embarrassing in front of colleagues.

Over the years ive been hit, called names daily, locked outside for days,told to kill myself, get cancer and do everyone a favour is another favorite. Im not perfect, i do everything i can to provide. Ive a good well paid job, professional

Mentally ive always been solid but im slowly losing hope..in what I dont know maybe myself.

I appreciate people will offer advice, condemn her, question what i may have done etc. I just needto out this 'out there'for me if that makes sense.

Thank you for listening

# losinghope I can relate to a lot of what you've said , unfortunately. Too much in fact. If there are kids / house/ joint money involved get legal advice before you leave, but leave you must.
I had a fear other the Irish legal system overwhelmingly favouring the woman but contact Amen and a solicitor to see where exactly you stand. Do that asap and before you leave

Airyfairy12 · 28-11-2020 9:28pm

cj maxx wrote: »

# losinghope I can relate to a lot of what you've said , unfortunately. Too much in fact. If there are kids / house/ joint money involved get legal advice before you leave, but leave you must.
I had a fear other the Irish legal system overwhelmingly favouring the woman but contact Amen and a solicitor to see where exactly you stand. Do that asap and before you leave

In all honesty, theres a misconception that women are always favored but it's not the case. If one partner is abusive, its the non abusive partner that is favored as its the welfare of the child that is priority.
Dont let misconceptions stop you from leaving your wife or going to court if you have to.

Rubberchikken · 28-11-2020 10:17pm

Great advice from others op.
You deserve to be treated with respect and your partner's behaviour towards you is appalling and illegal.

Good luck

Stateofyou · 01-12-2020 10:00am

Hi just a quick piece of advice. You know you need to leave, and I hear you on legal/family court worries. Do have all your ducks in a row first as someone pointed out. Write down all you can remember about the abuse, include dates, times, specifics. Can you secretly record this abuse? Any time you know that she's in her form and about to go off, set up your phone and record, video if you can but audio if not, and record it. There are free legal clinics and mens groups that can help, get all the advice you can before you make your move. You need to get yourself (and your children) out of that environment.

Neyite · 01-12-2020 11:26am

Remember it takes a victim on average 7 attempts to leave a situation like that - fear of reprisal, concern for children, money issues, lack of support from wider family are all things that factor in to your plan to leave.

It can feel overwhelming in a situation like this. You are so beaten down and defeated that even trying to think of an escape route out of it all can be very tough. So maybe right now, take one little step - Talk to MensAid. That's it. Don't focus on the seeming impossibility of the whole thing. Just start with a chat with someone who understands.

Dizzyblonde · 01-12-2020 11:58am

That fact that you've posted about your situation here is a huge first step. You've been given very good advice and remember that seeking help isn't showing weakness, it's showing strength. You can do this.

"It always seems impossible until it's done"
Nelson Mandela

YellowLead · 01-12-2020 9:57pm

I was in this situation, except as a female. Took me years to build up the courage to leave and I waited until our son was 15 and I thought he was old enough to cope - but I should have gotten out sooner. I started by telling just one friend and that made it easier to tell a second and then a counsellor. As others have advised talk to the organisations like Amen that are there to support you. If you do have children it will be tough but you will be in a better position to parent them when you are happy and relaxed which will eventually happen once you are free. This woman shouldn’t be allowed to treat you like this and get away with it and I think courts are finally recognising how awful domestic abuse and coercive control really is, regardless of gender. Wishing you the best. Baby steps and you will get there.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-12-2020 10:21pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

I am unsure as to why I am making this post, I just need a release

My wife abuses me, physically, mentally. Ive become a prisoner in my home. Life is one endless cycle of fear and walking on egg shells. I work from home and the latest is too take my laptop to prevent me working, interupt workcalls with threats of embarrassing in front of colleagues.

Over the years ive been hit, called names daily, locked outside for days,told to kill myself, get cancer and do everyone a favour is another favorite. Im not perfect, i do everything i can to provide. Ive a good well paid job, professional

Mentally ive always been solid but im slowly losing hope..in what I dont know maybe myself.

I appreciate people will offer advice, condemn her, question what i may have done etc. I just needto out this 'out there'for me if that makes sense.

Thank you for listening

You have to take control of your life back.

Leave her.

But also if you can't leave her. Start taking control back.

contact family ..contact friends etc.

ShatterAlan · 06-12-2020 11:38pm

LosingHope. wrote: »

I am unsure as to why I am making this post, I just need a release

My wife abuses me, physically, mentally. Ive become a prisoner in my home. Life is one endless cycle of fear and walking on egg shells. I work from home and the latest is too take my laptop to prevent me working, interupt workcalls with threats of embarrassing in front of colleagues.

Over the years ive been hit, called names daily, locked outside for days,told to kill myself, get cancer and do everyone a favour is another favorite. Im not perfect, i do everything i can to provide. Ive a good well paid job, professional

Mentally ive always been solid but im slowly losing hope..in what I dont know maybe myself.

I appreciate people will offer advice, condemn her, question what i may have done etc. I just needto out this 'out there'for me if that makes sense.

Thank you for listening

You not only need a break from where you are but you need someone by your side.

She would not do this if a friend of yours or a friend of hers shouted "What the fcuk is wrong with you?"

She hit you, and caused you pain...purely to wreck your spirit.

You love her...at least you think you do and can't envision something outside of her being a part of you.

Have you ever been to Amsterdam? Nip a way for a weekend....I'll meet you.

She doesn't think that you can live without her.

8kczg9v0swrydm · 14-12-2020 10:27am

Hi OP

I think this situation can still be salvaged, for the sake of your marriage and your children.

It seems that your wife may have some sort of mental illness. This can happen easily enough - emotions from childhood not dealt with, some sort of a chemical imbalance in the brain etc. Perhaps she has bi-polar or is herself deeply depressed?

I think you should try to get her to see this in no uncertain terms. Her behaviour is erratic and unacceptable. Do not be surprised if she denies this though.

Additionally, (I don't want to be harsh to you) but you cannot be ever so gentle with her. You need to be firm, defend yourself as you have a right to (physically if necessary). You have to command a bit of respect with her and you will only achieve this through standing up for yourself.

Couples counseling is also going to be very important. You could work your way up to visiting Accord or Retrouvaille together. Try to also get her the psychological/medical help she needs.

As to yourself, while it may be a good idea to move out for a short time if things become unbearable, I would always counsel people not to give up on their marriage. That young woman you married, with whom you fell head over heels in love with, is still there, underneath the layers of anger, bitterness and whatever else. You can still get her back. It will take a bit of work, maybe much work, but you would not believe the turnarounds other married couples have achieved. Coming from situations which were way worse than yours. There is great strength in a marriage, remember that.

You can do it.

eviltwin · 14-12-2020 10:33am

Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »

Hi OP

I think this situation can still be salvaged, for the sake of your marriage and your children.

It seems that your wife may have some sort of mental illness. This can happen easily enough - emotions from childhood not dealt with, some sort of a chemical imbalance in the brain etc. Perhaps she has bi-polar or is herself deeply depressed?

I think you should try to get her to see this in no uncertain terms. Her behaviour is erratic and unacceptable. Do not be surprised if she denies this though.

Additionally, (I don't want to be harsh to you) but you cannot be ever so gentle with her. You need to be firm, defend yourself as you have a right to (physically if necessary). You have to command a bit of respect with her and you will only achieve this through standing up for yourself.

Couples counseling is also going to be very important. You could work your way up to visiting Accord or Retrouvaille together. Try to also get her the psychological/medical help she needs.

As to yourself, while it may be a good idea to move out for a short time if things become unbearable, I would always counsel people not to give up on their marriage. That young woman you married, with whom you fell head over heels in love with, is still there, underneath the layers of anger, bitterness and whatever else. You can still get her back. It will take a bit of work, maybe much work, but you would not believe the turnarounds other married couples have achieved. Coming from situations which were way worse than yours. There is great strength in a marriage, remember that.

You can do it.

Couples counselling is not recommended for people in domestic violence situations. They can consider doing it alone but as a pair would be inadvisable.

I'd also dial back on the "don't quit your marriage" talk. That is not something that anyone in an abusive marriage needs to hear. We aren't living his reality and if he wants out of this legally that's his choice to make. Some relationships can come back from all sorts but bring violence into the mix and its important to look at the bigger picture here - his physical and mental safety.

8kczg9v0swrydm · 10-01-2021 11:17pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Couples counselling is not recommended for people in domestic violence situations. They can consider doing it alone but as a pair would be inadvisable.

I'd also dial back on the "don't quit your marriage" talk. That is not something that anyone in an abusive marriage needs to hear. We aren't living his reality and if he wants out of this legally that's his choice to make. Some relationships can come back from all sorts but bring violence into the mix and its important to look at the bigger picture here - his physical and mental safety.

Would not agree.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, he could move out for a while to get his wife to re-assess the situation etc. But to give up is the easy (and all too common) option. How do you know this relationship cannot be salvaged? Why would you counsel a break up, whatever the circumstances, when there are children involved?

There is always hope. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I stand by my advice to work through it. 'Till death do us part' means exactly that and nothing else. There is a power in marriage which is not there in other types of relationships. There are marriages out there who have sorted themselves out from a worse mess than you are in, and I mean WORSE.

Stay strong bro.

YellowLead · 10-01-2021 11:23pm

Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »

Would not agree.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, he could move out for a while to get his wife to re-assess the situation etc. But to give up is the easy (and all too common) option. How do you know this relationship cannot be salvaged? Why would you counsel a break up, whatever the circumstances, when there are children involved?

There is always hope. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I stand by my advice to work through it. 'Till death do us part' means exactly that and nothing else. There is a power in marriage which is not there in other types of relationships. There are marriages out there who have sorted themselves out from a worse mess than you are in, and I mean WORSE.

Stay strong bro.

Are you out of your mind??? I’m sorry but this advice is damaging and not what OP needs. Nobody deserves sustained abuse, doesn’t matter what contract you signed.

Stateofyou · 10-01-2021 11:28pm

Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »

Would not agree.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, he could move out for a while to get his wife to re-assess the situation etc. But to give up is the easy (and all too common) option. How do you know this relationship cannot be salvaged? Why would you counsel a break up, whatever the circumstances, when there are children involved?

There is always hope. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I stand by my advice to work through it. 'Till death do us part' means exactly that and nothing else. There is a power in marriage which is not there in other types of relationships. There are marriages out there who have sorted themselves out from a worse mess than you are in, and I mean WORSE.

Stay strong bro.

Over the years ive been hit, called names daily, locked outside for days,told to kill myself, get cancer and do everyone a favour

Have another read of that. That is not a normal marriage. That is not love. That is inhumane and abusive. Law breaking abuse.

Being alone and healing so they one day being available for the right type of relationship that is supportive and loving is a power too. A healthier one. And it's not the end of the world to be alone during that time.

OP, you don't have to stay in a marriage forever when this is what you're faced with. That's why we have divorce. You don't owe your spouse your whole life no matter what. The "for worse" vow does NOT mean putting up with abuse. You have one life, and you deserve better.

blarb · 10-01-2021 11:32pm

OP I'm so sorry to read your post, her behaviour is abhorrent and downright abuse. Please don't pay attention to the "marriage is the be all and end all" malarkey. Your physical and mental well-being is most important here. Marriage is a piece of paper and a promise. Both can be undone. There is no failure or shame in getting away from an abusive situation. In fact quite the opposite, it is admirable to rise from such abuse and take control of your own well being. Your children will fare better from seeing you happy and strong. Your wife is actively taking away your happiness and strength... It makes me feel sick that someone could do this. You deserve to be well and happy.

I really hope you've contacted Amen and reached out to friends/family. I'm sure if you confide in someone you trust it will help you get through this. I'm sure they have an idea what she is like and hopefully will understand and support you. All the best OP x

heretothere · 11-01-2021 1:10am

OP, I hope you have been able to reach out to family/ friends. A relative of mine was in a hugely controlling relationship for years. Cut all contact with family and friends. Only ever did as her husband said. He controlled everything she did. One day after about 10 years she just called her parents and asked them to come collect her. They did, and she left that day! After a few years she meet a wonderful man and has a completely different life. I was too young to really know much of what was going on but heard about it years later.

If a friend I had drifted away from contacted me looking for help I would be there for them, even if it was only to listen.

Hope you're doing well

TheBoyConor · 11-01-2021 1:16am

Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »

Hi OP

I think this situation can still be salvaged, for the sake of your marriage and your children.

It seems that your wife may have some sort of mental illness. This can happen easily enough - emotions from childhood not dealt with, some sort of a chemical imbalance in the brain etc. Perhaps she has bi-polar or is herself deeply depressed?

I think you should try to get her to see this in no uncertain terms. Her behaviour is erratic and unacceptable. Do not be surprised if she denies this though.

Additionally, (I don't want to be harsh to you) but you cannot be ever so gentle with her. You need to be firm, defend yourself as you have a right to (physically if necessary). You have to command a bit of respect with her and you will only achieve this through standing up for yourself.

Couples counseling is also going to be very important. You could work your way up to visiting Accord or Retrouvaille together. Try to also get her the psychological/medical help she needs.

As to yourself, while it may be a good idea to move out for a short time if things become unbearable, I would always counsel people not to give up on their marriage. That young woman you married, with whom you fell head over heels in love with, is still there, underneath the layers of anger, bitterness and whatever else. You can still get her back. It will take a bit of work, maybe much work, but you would not believe the turnarounds other married couples have achieved. Coming from situations which were way worse than yours. There is great strength in a marriage, remember that.

You can do it.

Some of the worst advise I've seen on here in a good while.

OP, take no heed of this nonsense.

Hannibal_Smith · 11-01-2021 8:14am

Mod Note

As the OP hasn't been back since November, I'll close this now.

If you want it reopened OP, please contact one of the Mod Team by PM and we can do it for you. Wishing you all the best and hope you managed to/are managing to find a safe way out of that marriage.

Thanks everyone for the help and advice.

HS

Lost hope

Comments