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Lost hope

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    #32
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »
    Hi OP

    I think this situation can still be salvaged, for the sake of your marriage and your children.

    It seems that your wife may have some sort of mental illness. This can happen easily enough - emotions from childhood not dealt with, some sort of a chemical imbalance in the brain etc. Perhaps she has bi-polar or is herself deeply depressed?

    I think you should try to get her to see this in no uncertain terms. Her behaviour is erratic and unacceptable. Do not be surprised if she denies this though.

    Additionally, (I don't want to be harsh to you) but you cannot be ever so gentle with her. You need to be firm, defend yourself as you have a right to (physically if necessary). You have to command a bit of respect with her and you will only achieve this through standing up for yourself.

    Couples counseling is also going to be very important. You could work your way up to visiting Accord or Retrouvaille together. Try to also get her the psychological/medical help she needs.

    As to yourself, while it may be a good idea to move out for a short time if things become unbearable, I would always counsel people not to give up on their marriage. That young woman you married, with whom you fell head over heels in love with, is still there, underneath the layers of anger, bitterness and whatever else. You can still get her back. It will take a bit of work, maybe much work, but you would not believe the turnarounds other married couples have achieved. Coming from situations which were way worse than yours. There is great strength in a marriage, remember that.

    You can do it.

    Couples counselling is not recommended for people in domestic violence situations. They can consider doing it alone but as a pair would be inadvisable.

    I'd also dial back on the "don't quit your marriage" talk. That is not something that anyone in an abusive marriage needs to hear. We aren't living his reality and if he wants out of this legally that's his choice to make. Some relationships can come back from all sorts but bring violence into the mix and its important to look at the bigger picture here - his physical and mental safety.


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    #33
    8kczg9v0swrydm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 119 ✭✭8kczg9v0swrydm


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Couples counselling is not recommended for people in domestic violence situations. They can consider doing it alone but as a pair would be inadvisable.

    I'd also dial back on the "don't quit your marriage" talk. That is not something that anyone in an abusive marriage needs to hear. We aren't living his reality and if he wants out of this legally that's his choice to make. Some relationships can come back from all sorts but bring violence into the mix and its important to look at the bigger picture here - his physical and mental safety.

    Would not agree.

    As I mentioned in my earlier post, he could move out for a while to get his wife to re-assess the situation etc. But to give up is the easy (and all too common) option. How do you know this relationship cannot be salvaged? Why would you counsel a break up, whatever the circumstances, when there are children involved?

    There is always hope. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I stand by my advice to work through it. 'Till death do us part' means exactly that and nothing else. There is a power in marriage which is not there in other types of relationships. There are marriages out there who have sorted themselves out from a worse mess than you are in, and I mean WORSE.

    Stay strong bro.


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    #34
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,673 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »
    Would not agree.

    As I mentioned in my earlier post, he could move out for a while to get his wife to re-assess the situation etc. But to give up is the easy (and all too common) option. How do you know this relationship cannot be salvaged? Why would you counsel a break up, whatever the circumstances, when there are children involved?

    There is always hope. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I stand by my advice to work through it. 'Till death do us part' means exactly that and nothing else. There is a power in marriage which is not there in other types of relationships. There are marriages out there who have sorted themselves out from a worse mess than you are in, and I mean WORSE.

    Stay strong bro.

    Are you out of your mind??? I’m sorry but this advice is damaging and not what OP needs. Nobody deserves sustained abuse, doesn’t matter what contract you signed.


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    #35
    Stateofyou
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,431 ✭✭✭Stateofyou


    Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »
    Would not agree.

    As I mentioned in my earlier post, he could move out for a while to get his wife to re-assess the situation etc. But to give up is the easy (and all too common) option. How do you know this relationship cannot be salvaged? Why would you counsel a break up, whatever the circumstances, when there are children involved?

    There is always hope. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I stand by my advice to work through it. 'Till death do us part' means exactly that and nothing else. There is a power in marriage which is not there in other types of relationships. There are marriages out there who have sorted themselves out from a worse mess than you are in, and I mean WORSE.

    Stay strong bro.

    Over the years ive been hit, called names daily, locked outside for days,told to kill myself, get cancer and do everyone a favour

    Have another read of that. That is not a normal marriage. That is not love. That is inhumane and abusive. Law breaking abuse.

    Being alone and healing so they one day being available for the right type of relationship that is supportive and loving is a power too. A healthier one. And it's not the end of the world to be alone during that time.

    OP, you don't have to stay in a marriage forever when this is what you're faced with. That's why we have divorce. You don't owe your spouse your whole life no matter what. The "for worse" vow does NOT mean putting up with abuse. You have one life, and you deserve better.


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    #36
    blarb
    Registered Users Posts: 89 ✭✭blarb


    OP I'm so sorry to read your post, her behaviour is abhorrent and downright abuse. Please don't pay attention to the "marriage is the be all and end all" malarkey. Your physical and mental well-being is most important here. Marriage is a piece of paper and a promise. Both can be undone. There is no failure or shame in getting away from an abusive situation. In fact quite the opposite, it is admirable to rise from such abuse and take control of your own well being. Your children will fare better from seeing you happy and strong. Your wife is actively taking away your happiness and strength... It makes me feel sick that someone could do this. You deserve to be well and happy.

    I really hope you've contacted Amen and reached out to friends/family. I'm sure if you confide in someone you trust it will help you get through this. I'm sure they have an idea what she is like and hopefully will understand and support you. All the best OP x


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    #37
    heretothere
    Registered Users Posts: 616 ✭✭✭heretothere


    OP, I hope you have been able to reach out to family/ friends. A relative of mine was in a hugely controlling relationship for years. Cut all contact with family and friends. Only ever did as her husband said. He controlled everything she did. One day after about 10 years she just called her parents and asked them to come collect her. They did, and she left that day! After a few years she meet a wonderful man and has a completely different life. I was too young to really know much of what was going on but heard about it years later.

    If a friend I had drifted away from contacted me looking for help I would be there for them, even if it was only to listen.

    Hope you're doing well


  • Options
    #38
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Dylan Screeching Wastebasket wrote: »
    Hi OP

    I think this situation can still be salvaged, for the sake of your marriage and your children.

    It seems that your wife may have some sort of mental illness. This can happen easily enough - emotions from childhood not dealt with, some sort of a chemical imbalance in the brain etc. Perhaps she has bi-polar or is herself deeply depressed?

    I think you should try to get her to see this in no uncertain terms. Her behaviour is erratic and unacceptable. Do not be surprised if she denies this though.

    Additionally, (I don't want to be harsh to you) but you cannot be ever so gentle with her. You need to be firm, defend yourself as you have a right to (physically if necessary). You have to command a bit of respect with her and you will only achieve this through standing up for yourself.

    Couples counseling is also going to be very important. You could work your way up to visiting Accord or Retrouvaille together. Try to also get her the psychological/medical help she needs.

    As to yourself, while it may be a good idea to move out for a short time if things become unbearable, I would always counsel people not to give up on their marriage. That young woman you married, with whom you fell head over heels in love with, is still there, underneath the layers of anger, bitterness and whatever else. You can still get her back. It will take a bit of work, maybe much work, but you would not believe the turnarounds other married couples have achieved. Coming from situations which were way worse than yours. There is great strength in a marriage, remember that.

    You can do it.

    Some of the worst advise I've seen on here in a good while.

    OP, take no heed of this nonsense.


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    #39
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,940 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    As the OP hasn't been back since November, I'll close this now.

    If you want it reopened OP, please contact one of the Mod Team by PM and we can do it for you. Wishing you all the best and hope you managed to/are managing to find a safe way out of that marriage.

    Thanks everyone for the help and advice.

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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