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Old housemate desperately wants to be friends

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Comments

  • #52
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Listen, every one of us is judgmental about who we count among our friends and contacts, whether we admit it or not. The company you keep is a reflection on you. To take an extreme example, if your friend is a mass murderer, you're implicated by association. Most people know this innately, and generally become friends with people who they share values with, or are happy to be associated with. This man has embarrassed you, by being crossing some boundaries with a mutual contact. That's most likely why you want to disassociate from him. Ideally, there will be some value for both parties in a friendship, learning from eachother, or just by being charming company, nice to be around, whatever it is. If it's one-sided, like this one, it won't work.

    OP, if I were you, as you've not responded for ages, and you don't like seeing the messages, I'd simply lose contact, by blocking if you need to.


  • #53
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,809 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    I’ve being thinking about this OP.
    Even by reading the responses here you can see some people think you should entertain, look out for the guy and others think you shouldn’t.
    I think your either one type of person or the other and going by what you said you fit better into one category.


  • #54
    bertiebomber
    Registered Users Posts: 728 ✭✭✭bertiebomber


    Why dont you just tell him to eff off like we used to do before we became soo politically correct and obsessed with not hurting anyones bloody feelings. The world is a harsh place and your feelings get hurt grow up and live with it.
    Tell this stalker to take a run & jump & its not your fault if he does its his own .......if you dont look after your early friendships then you dont deserve any friends ! Work folk are NEVER friends. Just be truthful and tell him you dont need his friendship you are grand but thanks !!


  • #55
    JustAThought
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    He is not a work colleague or a stranger but a flatmate he shared a house with for over 3 years and got on with while they were sharing and a guy who the OP said always came across as happy go lucky and who is now making an effort to keep in contact.

    ffs


  • #56
    Hqrry113
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 273 ✭✭Hqrry113


    bertiebomber wrote: »
    Why dont you just tell him to eff off like we used to do before we became soo politically correct and obsessed with not hurting anyones bloody feelings. The world is a harsh place and your feelings get hurt grow up and live with it.
    Tell this stalker to take a run & jump & its not your fault if he does its his own .......if you dont look after your early friendships then you dont deserve any friends ! Work folk are NEVER friends. Just be truthful and tell him you dont need his friendship you are grand but thanks !!

    Well you seem like a lovely fella


  • #57
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    We don't live in a very kind culture as emphasised by the replies but this isn't your problem op.


  • #58
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I do understand why lots of people are saying ‘can you not just be there for the guy’.

    However, I did that before. I was very young. He had so many issues that I didn’t even realise at the time. I still lived with my parents, and they used to (unknown to me) unplug the phone at night. My parents only did that after that they felt he was obsessing with me, instead of dealing with his own issues. Nowadays, that would be termed boundary issues.

    But, not to be mean, but you don’t want him in your life, and he is just not listening to you. I could just about get the ‘let him be part of your social group’ - but he has gone so far beyond that. I’m afraid I’d just block him. He has zero boundaries- and no thoughts as to how you might feel. Get rid of him out of your life. You can’t fix him, nor is it your responsibility


  • #59
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Bertiebomber as neither of your contributions to the thread comprise constructive or mature advice as per the Charter, please do not post in the thread again.

    If you wish to keep posting in PI/RI please read the Charter and ensure your posts meet the standard required by it going forward.

    HS


  • #60
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for all your replies. Doesn't seem to be an easy answer out there but I'm thinking I might just continue doing what I'm doing and ignore any message or call from him. It feels cruel, but I just don't think that responding to him will lead to anything productive. I feel if I try to give him an explanation, he won't understand or will try harder to be my friend.

    I have no reason to think he's depressed, but you never know. Is there anything else I can do to maybe check that he's okay on that front without committing myself to being his friend? It sounds awful even typing that out.


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  • #61
    Pinkyboi
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭Pinkyboi


    Hi OP, I lived with someone before who I thought I was friends with. We lived together for maybe 2/2.5 years and then he moved out. We kept in touch, had days out, nights out. Communications between us went from being really regular to minimal to nothing. He went from being a reliable friend to zilch. Seeing this post brought back some of that emotion. I don't know the whole sitch on your side. Perhaps, a gentle text to him might be nice to check in. Just something along the lines of "Hope you are well. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Work/Life is mad busy at the moment. Take care."
    Just a thought. For me, I would have loved the closure at the time. How and ever, that is in the past and we just have to get on with life.


  • #62
    JustAThought
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    oldhousemate wrote: »
    Thanks for all your replies. Doesn't seem to be an easy answer out there but I'm thinking I might just continue doing what I'm doing and ignore any message or call from him. It feels cruel, but I just don't think that responding to him will lead to anything productive. I feel if I try to give him an explanation, he won't understand or will try harder to be my friend.

    I have no reason to think he's depressed, but you never know. Is there anything else I can do to maybe check that he's okay on that front without committing myself to being his friend? It sounds awful even typing that out.

    Easiest way is just to send a random kind reply from time to time & the crazy covid work schedule excuses - keep him distant but not isolated and not discarded or dumped. Its nice to be just a
    little bit kind & the OP sounds
    like a reasonable & decent guy.

    You have the opposite problem of the other person on this page with their ‘Housemate Problem’ flatmate who gives them the silent treatment - might be worth a read for another perspective on how this affects the other person. Not freaks, not mentally ill - just different people & different upbringings/outlooks..


  • #63
    eleventh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 436 ✭✭eleventh


    JustAThought wrote: »
    Easiest way is just to send a random kind reply from time to time & the crazy covid work schedule excuses - keep him distant but not isolated and not discarded or dumped. Its nice to be just a
    little bit kind & the OP sounds like a reasonable & decent guy.
    That won't work where someone believes they are friends.
    Try imagine yourself in the situation - How would you feel or what would you think if somone messaged you with something 'kind' once or twice a year but ignored your reply or message the rest of the time.


  • #64
    bertiebomber
    Registered Users Posts: 728 ✭✭✭bertiebomber


    change your number simple save the numbers you want and delete the numbers you dont want its a very good exercise to do every so often. our phones are clogged with numbers of random assholes. The numbers you need are family you like, doctor vet dentist garage and if you have a friend you do like maybe keep their number otherwise - let them go .....


  • #65
    o1s1n
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,253 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Pinkyboi wrote: »
    Hi OP, I lived with someone before who I thought I was friends with. We lived together for maybe 2/2.5 years and then he moved out. We kept in touch, had days out, nights out. Communications between us went from being really regular to minimal to nothing. He went from being a reliable friend to zilch. Seeing this post brought back some of that emotion. I don't know the whole sitch on your side. Perhaps, a gentle text to him might be nice to check in. Just something along the lines of "Hope you are well. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Work/Life is mad busy at the moment. Take care."
    Just a thought. For me, I would have loved the closure at the time. How and ever, that is in the past and we just have to get on with life.

    Would you really want someone to pretend to be your friend as to not hurt your feelings?

    I'd be mortified if I found that out, wouldn't want someone's pity.

    OP if you don't want to be his friend then the best thing you can do is just not to reply. He'll get the idea eventually.

    Stringing people along with pity friendships as some kind of act of charity is really demeaning IMO.


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