Dental plan!

Sam Vimes · 27-11-2011 12:21am

I'm cold and there are wolves after me

Jordan 199 · 27-11-2011 2:48am

Leopold to the school children: All right, you, listen up, you little freaks the fun stops here. You're gonna have to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit. This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with.... Marge Simpson!

Jordan 199 · 27-11-2011 10:20pm

Selma: That MacGyver's a genius.

Sideshow Bob: First of all he's not a genius, he's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor.

Selma: You're lying! You're lying!

Sideshow Bob: No Selma, this is lying: that was a well plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.

corblimey · 28-11-2011 10:39am

Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

dan1895 · 28-11-2011 11:11am

STELLA!!!!

STELLA!!!!

Can't ya hear me yella'

You're putting me through hella

STELLA!!!!!!!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 28-11-2011 6:45pm

Mr Simpson, how about lunch - you like Thai?
Tie good - you like shirt?

jd007 · 28-11-2011 7:51pm

"Moon Pie" What a time to be alive!

Jordan 199 · 29-11-2011 1:13am

Principal Dondelinger: Now, I'm, uh, going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has.

Homer: Nooooo!

Principal Dondelinger: The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet donut.

Homer: [sobbing] This is not happening! This is not happening!

derfderf · 29-11-2011 9:33am

dominiquecruz wrote: »

Larry brings Homer to eat at Burns' mansion -

Mr. Burns: Does your son bring home nitwits and make you talk to them?
Homer: Oh, all the time! Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little weiner..

Homer:(disguised voice) Mr Burns, do you miss your son?
Burns: yes yes, i'm missing one son.

foxyboxer · 29-11-2011 10:00am

Homer: OK, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty four hour nursing care,
Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in
Vietnam!
Bart: Cool!

the purple tin · 29-11-2011 12:34pm

Bart: Whacking Day is a sham. It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish.

Old Irishman: Tis true. I took many a lump, but twas all in good fun.

Jordan 199 · 29-11-2011 2:12pm

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there's an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?

Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. [Homer thinks for a minute and realizes something.]

Homer: Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you to hell!

cml387 · 29-11-2011 2:26pm

Bart: If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl.
Marge: You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough. And another thing, it's only 5:15. Why are you in your underwear?
Bart: Hey, this ain't the Ritz.

dan1895 · 29-11-2011 7:33pm

Homer to a pet store parrot;

"That's where your wrong pal. Its not enough to want a cracker, you gotta earn it."

PrettyBoy · 29-11-2011 8:49pm

Moe: "Let's go to the old mill anyway - get some cider!"

Jordan 199 · 30-11-2011 2:16am

Krusty: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 Jewish Clowns. The worst incident was during our convention at Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere! [sobbing] It was terrible!

Homer: Wait a minute! Is this a religous thing?

Krusty: A religous clown thing, yes.

Homer: Sorry.

Krusty: Well, bless you anyw.. [Homer slams the door on his face.]

corblimey · 30-11-2011 1:39pm

Everything's stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Mr Trade In · 01-12-2011 1:11am

"Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink.
we wouldn't have a tire yard or an inside roller ring.
we wouldn't have our gallows, or a shiny big foot trap.
its not the Mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed."

"If you were running for Mayor, he'd vote for you."

Jordan 199 · 01-12-2011 1:41am

Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a bit festive to you?

Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam.

Marge: He prefers the company of men!

Homer: Who doesn't?

Marge: Homer, listen carefully: John is a ho-mo-

Homer: Right.

Marge: -sexual! (Homer screams.)

the purple tin · 01-12-2011 11:43am

Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you.

Bart: I won't say it!

Skinner: Bart!

Bart: Oh ... [shudders] I love you, Edna Krabappel.

Sherri and Terri: [singing] Bart's going to marry the teacher.

Nelson: Where are you registered, Simpson?

Krabappel: Thank you Bart, that was very sweet. You may sit down now.

Bart: [under breath] You're not going to get away with this.

Krabappel: Class, I'm going to step out for a few minutes. Martin, you're in charge.

Martin: Now Bart...You must promise not to fall in love with me.

Jordan 199 · 01-12-2011 6:17pm

Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph?

Ralph: Three times a day, sir.

Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?

Ralph: I don't brush! I don't bruuush!!

Dr: Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book, The Big Book of British Smiles. (Ralph is disturbed from looking at the decaying teeth in the book and pushes it away.)

Ralph: That's enough! That's enoouugh!

Jordan 199 · 02-12-2011 2:34pm

Lisa: Where are the dice?

Todd: Daddy says dice are wicked.

Rod: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.

cosmicfart · 02-12-2011 2:39pm

Japanese trainee Chef: Poison....poison tasty fish, careful careful

Homer: I WANT FUGU!!!

Fart · 02-12-2011 2:40pm

Wtf is this thread? I think I hate it, everytime I read the first post I cringe.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

cosmicfart · 02-12-2011 2:41pm

Fart wrote: »

Wtf is this thread? I think I hate it, everytime I read the first post I cringe.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

FOOK OFF THEN SO

sensibleken · 02-12-2011 2:47pm

Fart wrote: »

Wtf is this thread? I think I hate it, everytime I read the first post I cringe.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I find your ideas facinating and would like to subscribe to your newsletter

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 02-12-2011 2:58pm

sensibleken wrote: »

I find your ideas facinating and would like to subscribe to your newsletter

ISSUE ONE: Lisa needs braces.

(To sunscribe from this newsletter, plesae send a blank emial to [email]unsubscribe at fartnewsletter.com[/email])

Sgt Hartman · 02-12-2011 3:20pm

Homer watching The Kennedy-Nixon debate

"And now, a word from our sponsors!"

John F. Kennedy: "I'd like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for... Duff Beer."

(Crowd cheers)

Richard Nixon: "I'd also like to express my fondness for, that particular beer."

(Crowd boos)

Homer angrily: "The man never drank a Duff in his life:mad:"

corblimey · 02-12-2011 4:27pm

I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called "Up yours, Moe!"

Omackeral · 02-12-2011 4:58pm

Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm… No.

Agnes: [offscreen] Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It’s just the Northern Lights.

mfdc · 02-12-2011 5:07pm

Young Homer: Er um look mom, I'm... er um... President Kennedy.
Mrs Simpson: Oh Abe! Do you think our Homer really could be president one day?
*Young Homer turns to Grandpa and smiles*
Abe Simpson: You, president? Son, this is the greatest country in the world! There's a whole system set up... to keep people like you from ever being president. Now quit your daydreaming, melonhead!
*flashback ends*
Grandpa: Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!

Jordan 199 · 03-12-2011 2:18am

Homer: Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash em!

Flanders: Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully! It's our only hope!

Homer: Oh, pardon me, mister let's-ration-everything, but what do you think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem, "Water, water everywhere, so lets all have a drink?"

the purple tin · 03-12-2011 12:29pm

Homer: Moe...Moe...Moe.

Marge: Bart, are you going to Moe the lawn today?

Bart: Okay, but you promised me Moe money.

Marge: I Moe, I Moe!

Homer: Moe...Moe...Moe.

Lisa: When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies? There's a Moetinee.

Marge: Of course, All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.

Bart: Moemomoemoe?

Marge: Momomoemoe!

Lisa: Moememoemoemoe!

Bart: Momomomoe.

Maggie: Moe

Jordan 199 · 03-12-2011 6:18pm

Rod: "Oh boy! Liver!"

Todd: "Iron helps us play!"

Jordan 199 · 03-12-2011 8:33pm

Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control ninety-five percent of the wealth?

Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think and act and worship any way they want!

Adil: Can not!

Lisa: Can too!

Adil: Can not!

Lisa: Can too!

Homer: Please, please kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

ItsAWindUp · 03-12-2011 8:58pm

You know what the French are like, one minute they're kissing a woman's hand the next they're cutting off her head

Hank_Jones · 04-12-2011 3:38am

Comic book guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?

Homer: No, it's Homer.

Comic book guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, _Homer_.
And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know you have stolen my idea.

Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid.

Brain: Mental note -- steal his idea.

Jesus Wept · 04-12-2011 8:00am

the purple tin wrote: »

Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you.

Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crab Apple! Why didn't anybody tell me? Now I look like an idiot.

cml387 · 04-12-2011 4:33pm

The-Rigger wrote: »

Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crab Apple! Why didn't anybody tell me? Now I look like an idiot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX7wtNOkuHo

Jordan 199 · 04-12-2011 8:55pm

Millhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Burns: I specifically said "No geeks!"

Millhouse: But my mam says i'm cool.

Burns: Next!

Nelson: Gimme your fortune or i'll pound your withered old face in!

Burns: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the call back list.

Martin: (singing) Clang, clang, clang went the trolley/Ring, ring, ring wen't the bell/Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings.../Oooh! (Nelson digs Martin in the belly).

Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

timmy880 · 05-12-2011 10:57am

Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?

Bart: No thanks dad.

Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.

Grampa: I'll play catch with you.

Homer: Go home.

Professey Chin · 05-12-2011 11:04am

Treehouse of Horror 3 was on yesterday. Probably the best ever with the killer doll segment and the zombies. The King Kong part wasnt great though.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Lisa, Bart: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

The evil shop getting barts present.
Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread... we also sell frozen yogurt, which I call "frogurt"!

Shopkeeper:Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled]
Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

corblimey · 05-12-2011 12:45pm

The-Rigger wrote: »

Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crab Apple! Why didn't anybody tell me? Now I look like an idiot.

<cough>Oh, I've been calling her Crandall</cough>

Homer: You too, Fred Thompson
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard
Homer: Tuh, Die Hard Two

the purple tin · 05-12-2011 2:35pm

Help me! Help me! Mmmm, it's cran-tastic!

Jordan 199 · 05-12-2011 10:09pm

Principal Skinner: Tonight Sherbert's, heh, heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.

Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.

coonecb1 · 05-12-2011 11:54pm

T minus five seconds and counting. When the bells ring, the
students stream out the doors, but before they can disappear for
good, a teacher properly concludes their education.

Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended!
Class: [pause their celebration, awaiting the answer]
Teacher: We won!
Class: Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

coonecb1 · 06-12-2011 12:00am

Homer and Marge exercise to a television yoga class.

Just let your head flop back and forward.
Your neck is a well cooked piece of asparagus.
-- Sadrodin Muraradad's Yoga Party, ``Kamp Krusty''

The program is interrupted by a special bulletin: ``Krisis at Kamp Krusty''.

Kent Brockman: Ladies and Gentleman, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

In the background, Krusty is burnt in effigy. Kent is granted an
interview with the ring-leader...

Homer: Don't be the boy, don't be the boy...

It's the boy. Homer immediately loses his hair and regains his gut.

Hockney · 06-12-2011 12:11am

Abe:

"This elevator only goes to the basement!

And someone made an aawwwwwwful mess down there....."

Jordan 199 · 06-12-2011 1:34am

Marge: ...that's Michelangelo's "David." It's a masterpiece!

Helen Lovejoy: It's filth. It graphically portraits parts of the human body which, practical as they maybe, are evil!

Marge: But I like that statue.

Maude Flanders to Helen: I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

corblimey · 06-12-2011 10:18am

Bart: Click that one, Mom
Lisa: No, go up
Bart: Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads
Bart: That’s the toolbar
Lisa: No you’ve opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don’t save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking
Bart: Don’t go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?
Bart: Don’t click the cart or you’ve bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!

Just because it reminded me of this (already posted, but what isn't these days?)

Lisa: Okay, start with diagonal colors
Homer: Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side and turn it
Marge: My main finger?
Bart: Orange to orange...
Lisa: Now you have to turn it back, Mom...
Homer: You gotta start backwards...
Bart: Mom, Mom...
Lisa: No, not so fast! No, ignore the red...
Bart: No, no, no...
Homer: Alternate corners...
Marge: One at a time!
Bart: Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!

Also:

Calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly ah HELL diddily ding dong crap! Can't you morons do anything RIGHT!?

[copied for accuracy]

Dental plan!

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