I was responsible for a fatal road accident

LegacyUser · 10-06-2018 4:01pm #1

I don’t want to give too much detail, but a few weeks ago I made a wrong turn that resulted in the death of a man on the road. I wasn’t drunk, texting or speeding, but my actions still led to the horrible consequences. I believe the junction was pretty dangerous but it was still my error. I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I’m actually lucky I’m not dead too, but it doesn’t feel that way. Every day since has been a nightmare, I always thought this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to a driver, and now it has.

I feel so, so guilty.

I keep googling stuff about the family and breaking down. People’s sympathy feels completely undeserved. I just don’t see how I will ever make peace with this and not think about that poor man constantly. Never mind the logistics of how I will ever get insured to drive again- obviously that does not compare to his death.

I don’t know how I begin to move on from this. I’m doing my best to get back into a routine and talk about it with friends, but I already feel this heaviness in my heart will never go away. I think of getting upset if I ever have children, as only then will I fully understand the pain his parents feel. I just feel so sad all the time and wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t.

Neyite · 10-06-2018 11:06pm

I can only imagine how awful you feel.

I really think that your situation is one that's going to need more than PI can give you - I really think you need professional help - maybe even bereavement counselling? You could very well have PTSD-type issues that need a gentle and experienced approach from professionals.

Mind yourself.

wilser · 12-06-2018 9:19am

Without going into too much detail, I am going thru something very similar.

First thing I would say is to go and talk to a counselor as I found this brilliant. Probably only went for 5 or 6 sessions and didn't start until about 4 months after the accident but it helped me get thru the darkest times

Secondly, and I can't emphasise this enough, is to get a solicitor. You probably don't even want to think about this yet but don't go into see the gardai without one. Everyone told me I didn't need one as I didn't do anything wrong but I am gutted I went to the police station the first time without one.

If you have a hobby (I don't) do it. Golf, football whatever it is do it. I started going for walks when I came home from work just to help me relax/ clear my head.

Don't worry about insurance or claims, that has nothing to do with you. Let your insurance company look after that.
I know how hard it is coming to terms with what happened but with the help of a professional you will get thru it.
All the best.

PS seriously get a solicitor

ASISEEIT · 14-06-2018 7:51pm

What is the legal position? Is there a prosecution pending? You will find a way through this. There must be support groups of some sort you can tap into?

See a Counselor
Offer to meet the family in the future-work through the cops
Do charitable work-save a few lives and that will help you.

You did not deliberately kill the man. You had no bad intention. You dont seem to have been driving recklessly. Thus how exactly could this have been prevented?
Doctors kill people accidentally but move on.
You will figure a way out and the best way is to live a good life.

bleary · 14-06-2018 8:38pm

There was an interview recently with a man in very much the same situations as you
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/05/i-became-a-killer-fatal-road-accident-forgiveness

He has set up a website here for other people
https://medium.com/accidental-death
It was an accident , an awful accident, you have to give yourself time and try to work on forgiving yourself.

lurker2000 · 15-06-2018 5:44pm

Dear OP, I can't even imagine how awful this must be for you but you have to try and find a way to relieve the intolerable pressure and strain you are now under. Firstly I also recommend the above suggestions of Solicitor and Counselling - these are a must.

I would also recommend you stop googling the deceased's details online. This only has the result of making you feel worse and it can't change the situation or make it better. Have you tried to relay your remorse to the family? I don't recommend you turn up at their door (and a solicitor would advise you legally on this) but if there was some way you could let them know, it might be beneficial to all concerned.

You feel you don't deserve the sympathy of family and friends, but you do as this was not a deliberate act and it could happen to anyone of us. Situations like this are life changing and how you can positively move forward will need to be thought out. It may help to put your energy into helping others in the future who are in need, the homeless, refugees etc or to raise money for charities so that even though you can't turn back the clock, you can still contribute to making good elsewhere. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way to move forward soon.

splinter65 · 16-06-2018 12:11pm

Years ago a neighbor of mine knocked down and killed a very drunk man who was staggering along the motorway on a very dark wet night and more or less walked in front of his car.
My neighbor suffered terribly despite the dead mans family reassuring him that it was only a matter of time before it happened and that they bore him no ill will and indeed were almost relieved that he hadn’t been the cause of other casualties.
I know this probably bears no comparison to your case but any of us drivers are only a split second away from making a desicion that can result in tragedy.
No one can point a finger at you.
Please go to your GP and ask to be referred for counseling. Your life has to go on somehow and you need help to find a way for that to happen. Good luck.

neonsofa · 16-06-2018 5:23pm

Op I can't offer any advice,I just hope you can find peace in yourself and begin to forgive yourself. Look after yourself. Talk to your GP and your support network. All the best.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2018 10:57pm

OP here. Thank you for the replies. I thought for a while no one would, as it’s a very hard topic to know how to advise, so I appreciate it massively.

Neyite, usually I’m very open to counselling, and I will go to it for this, but I know myself really well and I just don’t see what they can say to make me deal with it any better than I already am. I will try to be open-minded still though. I think the anonymity of this forum is what helps. The person who said, all of us drivers are only a second away from this happening, it’s so true. Not for one moment did I think I was doing anything wrong when driving, until it was too late.

About his family... I’ve thought of how to express my sorrow and regret to them. I may write a letter and leave it with the police, who can tell them it’s there if they want to read it. Despite how down I am about this, I am really going to try not to let it suck me in and drown me. Acceptance will be the hardest part, learning to let go of the ‘what-ifs’, but life doesn’t discriminate on who these things happen to. Terrible things happen to people everywhere, every day. I can be sad and still carry on my life. That’s what I hope to learn how to do over the coming months/years.

I was watching a little toddler boy play with his mum earlier and just felt so, so sad

I’m all over the place right now but any advice at all is welcome.

sashafierce · 18-06-2018 10:20am

This post has been deleted.

Gael23 · 18-06-2018 11:08pm

Don’t go through this alone OP. First thing I suggest is go to your GP then get referred onwards for professional counseling as Neyite has suggested. Life kicks you where it hurts sometimes and when it does you need someone to help you get back in track.

LegacyUser · 06-07-2020 6:48pm

Hi everyone- sorry to resurrect an old thread but it's the OP here. Well, it's more than 2 years now since the accident, and while I have been doing better in the last year or so, today feels like a massive step back. Just writing here as it really helped me before to just get it all down, to people who don't know me.

I've been to counselling on and off, I see someone really good but it's bloody expensive, and I haven't been since before lockdown as I'm not much interested in counselling via Zoom. Today, the guilt is overwhelming in a way I haven't felt so acutely in months. I had a court appearance last week and I think I'm having some kind of delayed response. I have been crying all day and feel filled with utter despair. The fact that there is nothing to look forward to with this bloody pandemic just exacerbates things.

I was ranting away to a close friend via WhatsApp last week about it all, and she just stopped replying. She did message me the next day to say good luck in court, but I dunno, I wouldn't just ignore an extremely close friend who was obviously upset, for nearly 24 hours. Just makes me feel like people are sick of hearing about it, even though I know logically that's not the reason.

I just think about his family, his mother- I'm pretty sure they all hate me, based on a few things I've seen online. Obviously I can't give too much away here but it was a total accident, I was not distracted or looking away from the road.

Just not sure what to do when the waves of grief are so horrific. Am I even allowed to call it grief, when I'm the cause. I was even looking up road death charities just now, but they make people like me sound like the devil and are purely focused on helping families of the deceased.

Don't even know why I'm writing this, just need some form of release today.

radiotrickster · 08-07-2020 7:19pm

I hope you got some relief from writing out your thoughts there, OP.

Did you learn anything in counselling that could help you get through this time? Seeing as writing can be a release, you could try journaling? I’ve always found writing on paper to not be much use but journaling in my phone/laptop can be the same release.

And I’d recommend that you don’t look up anything about the other family again. It doesn’t matter what they say about you online. I know you feel like it does but it doesn’t. What matters is what you think of yourself and you need to stop seeing yourself in such a bad light. Something tragic happened and you have to learn to live with it. The first step in that is looking after yourself and loving yourself - and that means not reading bad stuff about yourself online.

antix80 · 08-07-2020 7:42pm

I did phone counselling recently with a counsellor i previously visited and found it really useful.

Gael23 · 08-07-2020 7:59pm

I strongly urge you to stick with the counselling. Approach your therapist if cost is an issue abd work something out.

italodisco · 08-07-2020 8:05pm

From the way you're describing things it sounds as if it weren't your fault?

If it's not your fault then you have no reason to dwell on it.

I was involved in one years ago, a bloke legging it across the road through traffic in the lashing rain, completely not my fault but I hit him and he was in a terrible way for months but if I'm honest I feel zero anxiety or guilt.

Maybe I'm just cold but look, if you were watching the road, didn't break a light or the likes then you've got to look at it differently.

JustAThought · 09-07-2020 12:52am

italodisco wrote: »

From the way you're describing things it sounds as if it weren't your fault?

If it's not your fault then you have no reason to dwell on it.

I was involved in one years ago, a bloke legging it across the road through traffic in the lashing rain, completely not my fault but I hit him and he was in a terrible way for months but if I'm honest I feel zero anxiety or guilt.

Maybe I'm just cold but look, if you were watching the road, didn't break a light or the likes then you've got to look at it differently.

If there is a man dead and a prosecution pending thsn there is a question about culpability and responsibility. OP - volunteer death and bereavement charities do focus on the bereaved
and their families - it might be more useful to contact Pieta House helpline as they have trained professional on their lines - or the Samaritans where it can help to talk to a human, even if they are not allowed to give practical advice. You might feel hurt by your friend not wanting you to vent at her again - I haave a friend who is doing that to me every day for 2-3 hours and it is totally melting my head, even thou I am taking the calls and trying to be supportive - I simply don’t want to do it anymore. . Maybe its time to give them a break and turn to the professionals. They also may not agree with you that were 100% not to blame but not want to say this to you.

Airyfairy12 · 09-07-2020 1:35am

Op im so sorry to hear what youre going through, it is awful what happened to you, the man who died and his family and friends who are effected, it's a sad situation for all involved but as others said, it could have happened to anyone, driving is dangerous at the best of times, we're all taking our own lives and the lives of all other road users in our hands the minute we get onto the road. It was a terrible accident that you were involved in but did not willingly cause.
You need to stop googling this incident and others like it, you need to stop reading family and victim statements and comments that demonise drivers. You have to learn to live with this as its not going to go away.
Could you use your experience for something proactive? Focus that guilt and grief into something good that helps other people?

Hannibal_Smith · 09-07-2020 7:27am

OP, if you had to appear in court about it recently and go back to that day, I would say its perfectly natural for everything to come back to you.

This time however, there is no space to distract yourself or take your mind off it. And it has the room to take over your thoughts.

Don't be too angry with your friend. She's not equipped to give you what you need right now and that's OK. She tried her best to help. Sometimes even with the best of intentions when it's something serious like this, I think people offer platitudes in the hope it will bandage over the issue. Its not done in a way to stop you talking about it, but they don't know what else to say.

I would imagine the road death charities are there for the families of the person who died. They are going to be filled with a lot of anger and are there for the benefit of those who lost someone. So I would suggest not looking there for help because it will just deepen your own wounds and not heal them.

My friends child was sadly killed in a road accident 3 years ago and the one thing they said was, they didn't want to add to what the driver was already feeling and make them feel worse than they probably already were. It was an accident and no intention was there to hurt their son.

Absolutely go back to counselling. If zoom calls don't work, write it down like you have here and email it maybe? You need support right now - take it. And don't fall out with your friend.

notsoyoungwan · 09-07-2020 7:38am

OP, check with your local HSE mental health service- if they have a suicide resource officer who does counselling for those bereaved by suicide, most of those will also offer counselling for other ‘traumatic’ deaths (there isn’t a better way to describe that, by traumatic deaths I mean suicide, homicide, RTA, drowning, workplace accidents etc, unnatural deaths might be the term). Anyway, even though you are not the bereaved as such, you’re involved and traumatised and they may be able to help. And as it’s HSE, there’s no cost. Best wishes.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2020 8:14am

JustAThought wrote: »

If there is a man dead and a prosecution pending thsn there is a question about culpability and responsibility. OP - volunteer death and bereavement charities do focus on the bereaved
and their families - it might be more useful to contact Pieta House helpline as they have trained professional on their lines - or the Samaritans where it can help to talk to a human, even if they are not allowed to give practical advice. You might feel hurt by your friend not wanting you to vent at her again - I haave a friend who is doing that to me every day for 2-3 hours and it is totally melting my head, even thou I am taking the calls and trying to be supportive - I simply don’t want to do it anymore. . Maybe its time to give them a break and turn to the professionals. They also may not agree with you that were 100% not to blame but not want to say this to you.

The tone of this post is extremely insensitive. It is obvious the OP is flogging themselves for years and you have to say that a pending prosecution raises questions about OP's culpability? Wow, I bet they had no idea.

Pending prosecution just means there is due process and box ticking, it in no way implies guilt the way you are suggesting. Accidents happen, and they are found in the basic laws of physics.

Your friend might be melting *your* head but that doesn't mean the OP was annoying their friend. Stop projecting, it isn't helping.

Then you suggest Samaritans and Pieta House who work with suicidal individuals primarily. If you think the OP is at risk for self harm you really shouldn't be saying "yeah, there are questions about your responsibility" and "your friend's head might be melted by you."

OP just know that as a highly empathetic person, you will suffer more than the likes of certain people on the internet who have given you bad advice.

Op have you considered learning about philosophy? Some of the most tortured individuals have found solace in schools of thought. You can find many lectures and ted talks on youtube, and they can bridge the gap until you can see an in person counsellor.

Forgiveness has to come from within. You will not get it from the family who just want someone to blame for their own healing. Surely you know that accidents do happen and that every good human being is inherently flawed. It is not unnatural or unexpected that you or any other good soul would go about your life without causing unintentional harm. You are just unlucky and deserve forgivness. I hope you can forgive yourself soon.

Faith · 09-07-2020 9:46am

Hi OP,

Please consider at least trying the 'virtual' therapy during this time. I think you might be surprised by how well it goes. It'll no doubt feel odd to begin with, but chances are, you'll slip right back into it very quickly, and hardly notice it's online. It sounds like it would be really useful for you at the moment, as you're going through so much.

I'd also suggest buying and reading and book like The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert, which I think would be helpful.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2020 11:30am

Bakerofbreadd wrote: »

The tone of this post is extremely insensitive. It is obvious the OP is flogging themselves for years and you have to say that a pending prosecution raises questions about OP's culpability? Wow, I bet they had no idea.

Pending prosecution just means there is due process and box ticking, it in no way implies guilt the way you are suggesting. Accidents happen, and they are found in the basic laws of physics.

Your friend might be melting *your* head but that doesn't mean the OP was annoying their friend. Stop projecting, it isn't helping.

Then you suggest Samaritans and Pieta House who work with suicidal individuals primarily. If you think the OP is at risk for self harm you really shouldn't be saying "yeah, there are questions about your responsibility" and "your friend's head might be melted by you."

OP just know that as a highly empathetic person, you will suffer more than the likes of certain people on the internet who have given you bad advice.

Op have you considered learning about philosophy? Some of the most tortured individuals have found solace in schools of thought. You can find many lectures and ted talks on youtube, and they can bridge the gap until you can see an in person counsellor.

Forgiveness has to come from within. You will not get it from the family who just want someone to blame for their own healing. Surely you know that accidents do happen and that every good human being is inherently flawed. It is not unnatural or unexpected that you or any other good soul would go about your life without causing unintentional harm. You are just unlucky and deserve forgivness. I hope you can forgive yourself soon.

Thank you so much for this post, I am welling up again. It helps a lot to know that there are so many kind people in the world who don't think I'm a total monster. I don't even think JustAThought meant any harm- there is a question of culpability, hence why there is a court case pending. All I can say is that it is a somewhat unusual case and that things are not black and white. I know that I was looking at the road at the time. Accidents just happen sometimes, and it is beyond sh*t.

I had a long phone call with my friend the other night and we sorted things out- it's not like I was even angry at her, I know she would never just think, "I'm sick of hearing this". We are extremely close and are both struggling in this pandemic. She is experiencing her own issues with anxiety and maybe my anger at my situation was just a bit much in that exact moment. That's ok. It's hard to know what to say sometimes.

In general, I have actually been dealing with it ok over the last 6-12 months- until this week, I hadn't cried in months, and I haven't been talking about it a huge amount with friends in 2020. The court stuff coming to a head, combined with the pandemic and the state of the world at the moment, just sent me to a dark place this week. Getting stuff down here did help. I'm going to email my counsellor again now to see what the story is.

I do think it has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person- I'm going to check out that book that Faith mentioned. You just never know what the exact experiences someone has gone through to make them who they are. I always try to see things from both sides these days. Life isn't simple.

Even if reading these posts makes someone aware of the complacency we are all at risk of when driving- well that's something positive too. Because your life can change forever in a split second, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2020 12:59pm

Please do avail of counselling. As pp said, you may be able to work something out re payments. I have had sessions via zoom, and honestly it was almost like being in the room with the counsellor. You really need someone to talk things through with. Your friend probably didn't feel equipped to deal with the situation.

I hope that things improve for you. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.

LilacNails · 09-07-2020 2:57pm

Just want to say op I dont judge you. Unfortunately these things happen, it can happen to almost anyone. It's going to be tough for a while, it u will learn to cope and pull through this. Take it easy on yourself x

Ellie2008 · 09-07-2020 10:31pm

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug OP. It could happen to any of us tomorrow.

There was no intention or even recklessness on your part. I think mindfulness might sound trite but it’s key here. Both you & the deceased’s family have the rest of your lives to live. I hope you stick at the counselling & that you move on in your life & find peace. I have a young son. If it had been him I’d want you to be ok & I imagine I’d think about your welfare a lot. As for the online comments which you know you shouldn’t read - there by the grace of God go I - it could have been them.

Accidents happen every single day involving well intentioned unlucky people.

Rubberchikken · 10-07-2020 1:53am

Hi op
Stick with the counselling. Something like you've experienced isn't going to be dealt with in a short time.

Plus like any grief, and it is, I think the second year can be so much worse than the first.

In some ways you're waiting for the first anniversary of the accident etc to just be gotten through.
But the second year can make you realise that it has actually happened and is something that while you'll never forget it, you'll have to learn how to live with it.

I can't imagine how horrific it must have been. The sheer terror is incomprehensible imo.

You need all the support you can get and with time you will manage to get through this and keep going.

Good luck

lurker2000 · 10-07-2020 8:48am

Hi OP

I wrote a reply on your original post which has been echoed by many others here - I'm so sorry to hear your agony is still ongoing. I had a BF years ago who knocked down and killed a pedestrian who walked out in the middle of the road. It didn't take a feather out of my BF afterwards. But that says a lot about his character and yours.

Anyone thinking you can just come to terms with it easily if you want to doesn't understand the power of the brain and that it doesn't work like that. Therapy is the way but I would like to recommend something that really worked for me in a situation of the mind.... Hypnotherapy... it was a last resort to sort out a situation of fear and anxiety that had stalked me for all of last year.

I had tried medication and therapy and while they worked to a certain level, they didn't sort it out. So earlier this year in desperation and as a last resort, I searched for a practitioner of hypnotherapy and selected a guy who has over 40 solid 5 star reviews on google - he's in Dublin 2. The cost is just over 100 and from the very first session I could feel my brain finally relaxing. I ended up doing three and so far, I've had the longest session of mental peace since I tipped over the edge in Jan 2019. I can't guarantee it would solve your issue with mentally beating yourself up, but it surely would be worth a punt.

Truthvader · 20-07-2020 4:10pm

Subject to legal advice etc etc I am wondering did you write to the deceased's family. It seems to me that regardless of what you have heard that this would help them. You are the very last connection they have and as it is absolutely clear from your posts that you are a decent caring person I think it would help them to know that their loved one mattered so much to you. It is also something real that you could actually "do". Think it might help you too

John Hutton · 21-07-2020 1:50am

I'll preface this post by saying that I can only go on the detail that you have provided.

You feel terribly guilty, which I sympathize with.

You have also told us that you are being prosecuted and it's not exactly "black and white", but that you did nothing wrong and are sure you had your "eyes on the road". It would appear that the Gardai and DPP don't agree with that.

Is it possible OP, that you are not being 100% honest with yourself? I say this because it is important to be sure, otherwise you will not get to the root of your feelings of guilt. There is a difference between a mistake, or an error in judgement, and an accident. But none of these things make you a bad person. This is a quite common outcome from a traumatic experience.

You need to get to the root of things, and be sure that you are not in denial - it's important to explore this with a qualified counsellor

Anyway, I hope things work out OP

LegacyUser · 22-07-2020 3:55pm

John Hutton- I do not know anymore how much of this was my fault. I mean, it obviously was my fault in the sense that my actions led to the events that unfolded, but there are other things going on too. It's not as straightforward as, I had 10 pints and then drove onto a footpath and killed someone.

I'm not sure what you're trying to get at? I obviously do feel like it was my fault, because otherwise why would I have felt so completely **** for the last 2 years of my life. I will just do whatever my solicitor tells me, legally. I'm not trying to get out of anything, but equally I can't spend the rest of my life feeling so horrendous because the guilt is eating me alive. That's what I'm going to counselling to try and do. Move on in some way.

I did ask could I write to the family way back in the beginning, but was advised against this until legal proceedings are concluded.

I went back to counselling recently and it did help, but I don't know how you ever let go of something like this, or make full peace with it. I feel like I never will.

I was responsible for a fatal road accident

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