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My wife has dense, matted pubic hair

  • 10-07-2020 9:44pm
    #1
    Grey Fox
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭


    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically. She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How do I broach this topic with her?


Comments

  • #2
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,580 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    I only thing I can think of it to let her know you're going to do some tidying up yourself and leave the trimmer / razor out and hope she picks up on the hint.


  • #3
    s1ippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    It's a very sensitive topic. Fair play for asking for advice.

    What I would say is maybe after you've had sex, mention to her that you feel a bit irritated down there?

    Discussing it will obviously have to be done very gently and with due consideration for feelings so you know best yourself what the potential conversation will entail.

    Sounds like you have such consideration for your partner, hope it works out well.


  • #4
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically. She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How do I broach this topic with her?

    Are you turned off because of her pubic hair or is it her appearance as a whole has changed?


  • #5
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,292 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    s1ippy wrote: »
    It's a very sensitive topic. Fair play for asking for advice.

    What I would say is maybe after you've had sex, mention to her that you feel a bit irritated down there?

    Discussing it will obviously have to be done very gently and with due consideration for feelings so you know best yourself what the potential conversation will entail.

    Sounds like you have such consideration for your partner, hope it works out well.

    Yea this is a good idea.
    Maybe start a conversation after your next encounter and say something like (very tactical of course) you have a rash/irritation on your chin from her hair.
    You could broach it that way in a kind of light hearted way?
    Be prepared for her to ask you to groom yourself there too.

    To thine own self be true



  • #6
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    If she has stopped personal grooming down there, then it would appear to be that she's not overly keen on you being down there at all to be honest.

    Does she find you attractive anymore as it seems like she doesn't care if you fancy her or not?

    I'm sure some people won't appreciate the comment but if a partner of mine stopped grooming like that, I would assume it was to deliberately put me off as it definitely would for most people.


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  • #7
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,144 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    I'm a woman in my 40s who is a Hollywood waxer. I was actually depressed over growth during lockdown and so relieved to be back to myself last week when the salons reopened. To me if looks like depression but it could be something so simple as being overwhelmed by motherhood and demands on time. You really need to talk to her.


  • #8
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,495 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Why can’t you just tell her you want her tidy up down there?
    She is your wife.
    Tell her you miss giving oral to a smooth .....
    make it sexual..


  • #9
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Matted to be honest suggests unwashed. That is really, really not good.
    But how dense can pubic hair be? I am not sure if some people grow huge dense bushes but maybe? Pubes are kind of self limiting in their length and density but maybe some people have monster muffs...I don't know.
    I read a thread on boards a few years ago and I was truly amazed at the actual fierce repulsion young males feel about women's body hair. We have been happily riding each other since the morning after day zero and 99.9% of that time we have had loads of body hair. Then porn does a number on us and males (and females) are suddenly conditioned to feel like vomiting at the very sight of pubes. Weird.
    Being a child of the 70s I feel no shame about a neat bush of golden virginia springing in my knickers. But I realise it is not common. I said to my gynaecologist recently "Brace now, I do not shave" and she, a lady who has seen more than 10,000 fannies, said "Much better off not to, dear." It is more hygenic, a cushion for sex and she described the terrible rashes, ingrown hairs, raw pimples etc that she sees day in day out. So that's a thing. Who'd have thunk it!
    Anyway. Conditioner might help, softening creams if the hair is really wiry, you producing a little snippers and doing a nice trim that is pleasing to you while she relaxes watching a film, shared showers before sex, and you asking yourself if this is a conditioning in your mind about pussies?
    But if it is truly matted and gruesome then no one could fault you for abandoning the fanny. I can understand.


  • #10
    Grey Fox
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Grey Fox


    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply
    s1ippy wrote: »
    Sounds like you have such consideration for your partner, hope it works out well.
    Sarcasm?
    eviltwin wrote: »
    Are you turned off because of her pubic hair or is it her appearance as a whole has changed?
    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.
    cannotlogin wrote: »
    Does she find you attractive anymore as it seems like she doesn't care if you fancy her or not?
    Interesting point. I hope thats not the case as I do care for her a lot.
    XsApollo wrote: »
    Why can’t you just tell her you want her tidy up down there?
    She is your wife.
    Tell her you miss giving oral to a smooth .....
    make it sexual..
    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.
    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Without wanting to go into too much detail there is a big beard of it from the front right to the butt crack. She always maintained that area in the past, I had no idea she was capable of such growth.


  • #11
    ztoical
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,788 ✭✭✭ztoical


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically.

    So whats changed? I'm guessing its the kids. You say several children which is a massive impact on someones time and resources. Usually when you've got kids you put their needs ahead of your own. You only mention her pubic region, is that the only thing? I mean if she was someone who use to put on a full face of makeup and do her hair everyday I can't see her being able to keep that up after having a kid let alone several kids.
    Grey Fox wrote: »
    She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How much maintenance was she doing? Was it full on wax off or just kept more trim? It's actually very time consuming to manage especially if someone is naturally hairy. Its not just a case of whacking it off with a razors as you'll get burns, ingrown hairs and be itchy as all hell! Again as above if you've had several kids, you tend to focus on their needs ahead of your own.

    Grey Fox wrote: »
    How do I broach this topic with her?

    You can't talk to the woman you've had several children with? How is the child care divided up? If she's doing the bulk offer to take on some so she has time to for herself. Or maybe after having several kids she doesn't feel that area of her body is as attractive as it once was. You won't know if you don't ask. The key thing here is being open and honest. Don't drop hints, thats childish and won't work. If you want to do something as intimate as putting your mouth on someones private area then you should be able to talk to them about it.


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  • #12
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply

    Sarcasm?

    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.

    Interesting point. I hope thats not the case as I do care for her a lot.

    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.

    Without wanting to go into too much detail there is a big beard of it from the front right to the butt crack. She always maintained that area in the past, I had no idea she was capable of such growth.


    It doesn’t sound selfish at all. You can’t help how you feel.

    How old are the kids? How many do you have and how busy would her day be?

    I appreciate your asking something very specific here but the issue isn’t really just about pubic hair is it? If she had a wax tomorrow the other stuff would still be there. That’s what you need to address.


  • #13
    lozenges
    Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭lozenges


    This thread is bizarre. Having pubic hair is normal. Some people might prefer to do more or less grooming down there but suggesting that this lady might be depressed because she's decided to stop waxing/shaving her nether regions is utterly ridiculous.

    Maybe she's more comfortable with her body than she was years ago, maybe she'd prefer have a less intense personal grooming routine now she has kids. Whatever.

    You don't sound very kind to your wife either OP. Having kids is tough, physically and mentally. I'm sure you haven't gotten any younger since you met her as well. Saying she's let herself go is pretty nasty in my opinion.

    Its not just this one thing, so rather than focusing on the hair alone I would suggest a date night, starting an exercise class together or something like that - making it about the two of you and something you can do together rather than implying 'you're the only one that needs to change'.


  • #14
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply
    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.

    Interesting point. I hope thats not the case as I do care for her a lot.

    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.

    h.


    Sounds like you love her Grey Fox, so there is hope here.
    Her weight is going to be a long term project. Maybe go on a health trip yourself and encourage her to join. Get healthy easy to prep food. Etc. Maybe invest in an exercise bike or rowing machine etc that can be handy for her to use at home as I am sure she is busy. Take up hiking at the weekend. Slow and steady will win that marathon but with her knackered you might have to provide all the headwind for quite a while on that one.

    Re sex - abandon the oral before you give yourself a proper aversion. Manual and / or sextoy stimulation of herself. Maybe some nice bits of floaty lingerie to cover the floppy bits while you are sensitive to them and while she is shifting the weight. You can get some, you know. Look at the sizes on her blouses and bras to get an idea. But keep up the bedroom action because in the long run that is what will help her have the endorphins and motivation to get in a good mood and then in shape. Be her Mr Motivator! :)


  • #15
    guitarhappy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 229 ✭✭guitarhappy


    ztoical wrote: »


    If you want to do something as intimate as putting your mouth on someones private area then you should be able to talk to them about it.

    But don't do both simultaneously. You might sound muffled.


  • #16
    Millionaire only not
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,625 ✭✭✭Millionaire only not


    Quote: Gruffalox
    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Without wanting to go into too much detail there is a big beard of it from the front right to the butt crack. She always maintained that area in the past, I had no idea she was capable of such growth.

    Some comment I don’t know wether to laugh or share it


  • #17
    s1ippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    I wasn't being sarcastic at all! Sorry if I came off that way. It genuinely seems to me like you are really interested and caring.
    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Matted to be honest suggests unwashed. That is really, really not good.
    But how dense can pubic hair be? I am not sure if some people grow huge dense bushes but maybe? Pubes are kind of self limiting in their length and density but maybe some people have monster muffs...I don't know.
    I read a thread on boards a few years ago and I was truly amazed at the actual fierce repulsion young males feel about women's body hair. We have been happily riding each other since the morning after day zero and 99.9% of that time we have had loads of body hair. Then porn does a number on us and males (and females) are suddenly conditioned to feel like vomiting at the very sight of pubes. Weird.
    Being a child of the 70s I feel no shame about a neat bush of golden virginia springing in my knickers. But I realise it is not common. I said to my gynaecologist recently "Brace now, I do not shave" and she, a lady who has seen more than 10,000 fannies, said "Much better off not to, dear." It is more hygenic, a cushion for sex and she described the terrible rashes, ingrown hairs, raw pimples etc that she sees day in day out. So that's a thing. Who'd have thunk it!
    Anyway. Conditioner might help, softening creams if the hair is really wiry, you producing a little snippers and doing a nice trim that is pleasing to you while she relaxes watching a film, shared showers before sex, and you asking yourself if this is a conditioning in your mind about pussies?
    But if it is truly matted and gruesome then no one could fault you for abandoning the fanny. I can understand.
    ***Note***
    Whatever about going full bush, a gynaecologist would most definitely not recommend putting conditioner anywhere near your pubic hair, you are pretty much guaranteed to get an imbalance down there if perfumed tincture is applied to the genital region. Also in the summertime having pubic hair is likely to actually cause more sweat and can end up being less hygienic than removing hair.

    Also if you are somebody who wants to tidy up downstairs, showering and applying a non-perfumed moisturising lotion before and after waxing or very carefully shaving is a good way to avoid spots or blemishes as the hot water will get the oils out of your pores. Whether spots are an issue will also depend very much on the overall condition of your skin, which should be reasonably smooth before removing hair... If there are one or more spots, wait for them to heal completely before hair removal. If you get into a good system of washing (with water only, no shower gels), moisturising and removing hair, your skin may actually be of a better quality than if you let your pubic hair grow longer.

    Obviously it's a personal preference if you shave or not. When people don't shave who previously have, it could indicate that they haven't had time or are up the walls with other things. Maybe she feels unattractive and just doesn't care about sex right now. Personally I get scareoused and want more sex during stressful times, but I know people who get so driven to distraction that they can't even get an erection if they're preoccupied. I would not agree whatsoever that the OP's partner is not attracted to him anymore based on her not removing hair. It's a pandemic, they have children, she could be stressed out, like virtually everyone is. More likely reason is that she hasn't had the time to look after herself. Anyone who asserts that without any further evidence is only trying to be hurtful and I would ignore them because they are probably jealous of your obviously loving relationship or just d!ckheads. There isn't enough background to suggest that from your story.

    Another suggestion for the OP could be treat her to a "day off" from any responsibilities, where you do your best to take on any stuff she does routinely and let her relax and look after herself that day... Maybe buy her a nice spa pack online. Is that a thing? I think that exists.

    It's considerate of you to have noticed that there's something going on, I've known many people to miss signs like this and damage their relationships due to unwanted advances being made. Ultimately, making each other feel sexy is kind of the point of a sexual relationship, so you might just need to help her find her sexual energies again.

    Best of luck with it :D


  • #18
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Guitarhappy posters are asked to reply to threads in PI/RI in a manner that offers constructive and mature advice to an OP. Please read the Charter before posting again.


  • #19
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Buy her a generous gift voucher for a beauty salon. Make it a regular thing.

    Make her feel like a girl again.


  • #20
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    Buy her a generous gift voucher for a beauty salon. Make it a regular thing.

    Make her feel like a girl again.

    I have never been inside a beauty salon. I feel completely like a girl.


  • #21
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    I have never been inside a beauty salon. I feel completely like a girl.


    The suggestion wasn't a personal attack on you.

    The op's wife might feel like a girl ..however her husband's feelings...


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  • #22
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    s1ippy wrote: »
    I wasn't being sarcastic at all! Sorry if I came off that way. It genuinely seems to me like you are really interested and caring.


    ***Note***
    Whatever about going full bush, a gynaecologist would most definitely not recommend putting conditioner anywhere near your pubic hair, you are pretty much guaranteed to get an imbalance down there if perfumed tincture is applied to the genital region. Also in the summertime having pubic hair is likely to actually cause more sweat and can end up being less hygienic than removing hair.

    Ok. The conditioner was more about what runs down in the shower from washing your hair. Am not talking about applying directly. But in terms of softeners a small drop of almond oil rubbed between the hands and lightly applied does condition. Not into the vulva obviously.
    And yes, winter or summer pubic hair is actually more hygienic than shaved in that it protects and cushions the vulva and vagina, collects pathogens, bacteria and particles that might otherwise go straight in, reduces UTIs, vaginitis, yeast infections and it also gives off pheromones. Studies show fewer STIs where pubic hair is left. Like every other part of the body it needs to be kept clean.


  • #23
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Ok. The conditioner was more about what runs down in the shower from washing your hair. Am not talking about applying directly. But in terms of softeners a small drop of almond oil rubbed between the hands and lightly applied does condition. Not into the vulva obviously.
    And yes, winter or summer pubic hair is actually more hygienic than shaved in that it protects and cushions the vulva and vagina, collects pathogens, bacteria and particles that might otherwise go straight in, reduces UTIs, vaginitis, yeast infections and it also gives off pheromones. Studies show fewer STIs where pubic hair is left. Like every other part of the body it needs to be kept clean.


    Studies have also shown the opposite.

    https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/news/20190904/shaving-down-there-wont-raise-std-risks-study


  • #24
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    The suggestion wasn't a personal attack on you.

    The op's wife might feel like a girl ..however her husband's feelings...

    My point really is that a bush is perfectly normal and is completely girly and one does not need to be sent to the salon in response to having one.
    I think the issue is not the pubic hair but rather an overall perception that the partner is less physically attractive than they used to be. Some of that can be remedied eg weight, some cannot as it is merciless Father Time, and some is a matter of preference. She might like her muff!


  • #25
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    I think the issue is not the pubic hair but rather an overall perception that the partner is less physically attractive than they used to be.


    Thus i recommended voucher for a beauty salon or the hairdressers etc ...clothes whatever

    My point really is that a bush is perfectly normal and is completely girly

    Its not for me. But we are all different. :)


  • #26
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Obviously it is personal choice. But the notion it is more hygienic and more civilised in some way is just not true.

    Article from https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/aug/07/pubic-hair-has-job-stop-shaving

    "It is a sadly misconceived war. Long ago, surgeons figured out that shaving a body part prior to surgery actually increased, rather than decreased, surgical site infections. No matter what expensive and complex weapons are used – razor blades, electric shavers, tweezers, waxing, depilatories, electrolysis – hair, like crab grass, always grows back and eventually wins. In the meantime, the skin suffers the effects of the scorched battlefield.

    Pubic hair removal naturally irritates and inflames the hair follicles left behind, leaving microscopic open wounds. Rather than suffering a comparison to a bristle brush, frequent hair removal is necessary to stay smooth, causing regular irritation of the shaved or waxed area. When that irritation is combined with the warm moist environment of the genitals, it becomes a happy culture medium for some of the nastiest of bacterial pathogens, namely Group A Streptococcus, Staphylococcus aureus and its recently mutated cousin methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). There is an increase in staph boils and abscesses, necessitating incisions to drain the infection, resulting in scarring that can be significant. It is not at all unusual to find pustules and other hair-follicle inflammation papules on shaved genitals.
    Additionally, I've seen cellulitis (soft-tissue bacterial infection without abscess) of the scrotum, labia and penis as a result of spread of bacteria from shaving or from sexual contact with strep or staph bacteria from a partner's skin. Some clinicians are finding that freshly shaved pubic areas and genitals are also more vulnerable to herpes infections due to the microscopic wounds being exposed to viruses carried by mouth or genitals. It follows that there may be vulnerability to spread of other STIs as well.

    Pubic hair does have a purpose, providing a cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury, protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long-awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

    It is time to declare an end to the war on pubic hair, and allow it to stay right where it belongs. We owe it to our patients to encourage them to let it be."


  • #27
    s1ippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    That article is well and good but I'm pretty sure people can choose to do what they want with their own vaginas.



    Having hair isn't necessarily the best choice for everyone, because plainly it takes as much maintenance to ensure that pubic hair is kept clean and won't "collect bacteria" (to the extent that you end up with an infection) as it does to keep your skin in good condition, wax or shave and keep your vaginal area hygienic.

    People are going to choose whether or not it suits them to shave or wax because thankfully, there's no obligation on anyone to do it or not. While it's good do research into the health aspect of it, you'll find supporting arguments for and against accordingly as the commercial entities that benefit from bush maintenance/razor and waxing companies see fit. My partner and I maintain our pubic areas regularly because we prefer not to have hair chafing or ending up in our mouths and around the house, as well as for the hygiene reasons I detailed above.

    If it gets neglected for a while, it's not a big deal but we may be less inclined to have sex (not a conscious decision) depending on the weather (too hot/humid) and other factors like our own self-confidence. The latter is something that can be worked on and overcome; we prop each other up and flirt with each other all the time, pubes don't bother me in the slightest when the maintenance falls by the wayside for a while and they know I feel this way, I know it doesn't really bother them too much either when I'm caught for time and don't get around to it for a while. I'd have enthusiastic and enjoyable sex with them even if they were covered in wasps.

    That gives me an idea actually.


  • #28
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,394 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Can posters please stick to offering advice to the OP. The general discussion on the merits, or not, of pubic hair is not what is being asked here.

    Thanks.


  • #29
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    OP you have to talk to her. Nothing is going to happen until you do. You have bigger issues here than pubic hair if she’s let herself go overall. You need to find out why that is and what, if anything, can be done. No one here can tell you what’s going on with your wife. She could be exhausted and worn out or maybe her priorities have changed now that she a bit older and she might not see groomed pubes as crucial to her wellbeing.


  • #30
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Tork


    You're going to have to talk to her nicely. Tell her you're concerned about her weight gain and see where it goes from there. The lack of maintenance downstairs is probably an extension of her other appearance issues. Few women who gain weight feel sexy and there are probably reasons why she is now in the condition she's in. Is she run off her feet with parenting the kids? Is there anything you can do to help? Reducing this down to just a neglected ladygarden isn't going to help.


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  • #31
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    "Let's treat ourselves to a night away in a hotel and leave the kids with [whoever]. I used to love it when you shaved/ waxed and put on some sexy underwear. How about I buy you some new lingerie and we can make a night of it?"


  • #32
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    Alot of opinions here have been ways to speak to Op's wife in how to get her to loose weight, shave/wax pubic hair, however very little about what the op's wife may want.It is possible given current world views she may be content with weight and pubic hair assuming with the weight gain its not overly unhealthy.

    Op, would you be happy if your wife was happy to leave things as they are or even if your wife was to loose some weight but kept pubic hair way it is now ? As i feel this may be something you could face.


  • #33
    ztoical
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,788 ✭✭✭ztoical


    OP Can you expand on how many kids is several kids? what age range are they? How close together did you have them? Did your wife have them vaginally or via CV section? Where the pregnancies difficult? Did your wife loose the baby weigh between pregnancies? Are you done having kids now? Do you both work or is she home alone with the kids all day? How is the child care/house work divided up?

    Lots of factors that could result in a person gaining weight and not caring about their appearance. Maybe instead of trying to figure out how to talk to your wife maybe step and ask why and what could you do to help so you both have time to focus on yourselves and your relationship while not neglecting the kids


  • #34
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Tork


    Dropping hints doesn't work either. It's like someone saying "Have you tried out the new Sure deodorants that are in Tesco? I find them really great and I don't sweat any more" (nudge nudge, wink wink to a person with body odour).

    OP describes her weight gain as "considerable" so we're not talking about her putting on a few pounds. If she has gained a lot of weight, encouraging and helping her to LOSE (NOT LOOSE!!!!!!!!) might help her to feel better about herself. If she's run off her feet with parenting and isn't feeling too good about herself, falling into bad habits is very easy to do. I think you need to find out what else is going on here. If she continues to gain weight, a maintained ladygarden isn't going to help your sex life either.

    On the other hand, maybe she has just decided to stop removing her hair. Some women go that route and stop removing underarm, leg and pubic hair.


  • #35
    karlitob
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,593 ✭✭✭karlitob


    Caranica wrote: »
    I'm a woman in my 40s who is a Hollywood waxer. I was actually depressed over growth during lockdown and so relieved to be back to myself last week when the salons reopened. To me if looks like depression but it could be something so simple as being overwhelmed by motherhood and demands on time. You really need to talk to her.

    Brilliant!!! I can imagine the scene in the GP surgery.

    GP: Madam, when was the last time you shaved your fanny?

    Woman: Its been a while since the grass was cut

    GP: Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this - but I think you have full blown depression. There can be no other explanation. Now normally we’d give antidepressants and arrange some counselling. But I’m going to suggest something more unusual - a pick of bic and a whole load of E45.

    Woman: you really think it’s depression doctor?

    GP: Well it’s either that - or your overwhelmed by motherhood or some **** like that.


  • #36
    karlitob
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,593 ✭✭✭karlitob


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically. She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How do I broach this topic with her?

    There’s a lot of opinions here but honestly, she knows she’s put on weight and she knows she doesn’t shave her fanny anymore.

    What she doesn’t need is someone dropping unsubtle hints about things she already knows just so you can enjoy a ride.

    Sit down with the woman - your wife. And speak to her honestly. Tell her how hard it is for you to broach this subject (go with hairy fanny and not The weight), tell her how much you enjoy oral sex and don’t anymore for this reason, tell her that it’s become a ‘thing’ in your head and you’d like to speak with her about it and ask her how she feels. Does she not enjoy oral she’s anymore; is it just too much hassle shaving; and see where the conversation goes. If she blows, don’t rise. You’ll have caught her on the hop and she mightn’t know how to respond.

    Remember, it’s the intent that matters not the content (necessarily). If you go in all guns blazing about your needs, then you’ll be worse off than before. If you go in with the intention of learning what’s going on with her, then you both can deal with both your feelings together. If she doesn’t want anymore oral sex, then that’s it for you I’m afraid. You’ll have to deal with it. If she thinks it’s pointless to shave when you’ve put on weight then you’ve a different journey together.

    Best of luck. It’s not easy.


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  • #37
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    Tork wrote: »
    OP describes her weight gain as "considerable" so we're not talking about her putting on a few pounds. If she has gained a lot of weight, encouraging and helping her to LOSE (NOT LOOSE!!!!!!!!) might help her to feel better about herself. If she's run off her feet with parenting and isn't feeling too good about herself, falling into bad habits is very easy to do. I think you need to find out what else is going on here. If she continues to gain weight, a maintained ladygarden isn't going to help your sex life either.

    Considerable weight gain to one person could be a few pounds and other could be a few stone depending on their current and previous lifestyles.

    Also this is advice for the op, not a space to make a personal attack on someone for how they spell a word, childish behavior.


  • #38
    rob316
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,284 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    It's in both your interests for her to be confident and feeling good about her appearance. Time way be precious, but suggest doing physical activities together or going to gym classes together. Adopt a healthy eating attitude at home. Can you cook? If you can't, learn. Your wife not trimming herself is a symptom of an overall lack of confidence in themselves.

    Overall talk to her and be honest though, it's your wife it shouldn't be that hard to bring this up.


  • #39
    Daisy78
    Registered Users Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    Sour Lemonz wrote: »
    Alot of opinions here have been ways to speak to Op's wife in how to get her to loose weight, shave/wax pubic hair, however very little about what the op's wife may want.It is possible given current world views she may be content with weight and pubic hair assuming with the weight gain its not overly unhealthy.

    Op, would you be happy if your wife was happy to leave things as they are or even if your wife was to loose some weight but kept pubic hair way it is now ? As i feel this may be something you could face.

    Exactly, they could have a talk about it but he could find that actually she doesn’t want to shave/wax and then what? It might be that she doesn’t have time for personal grooming with the kids but it might not and she may be perfectly happy with the way it is.


  • #40
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    rob316 wrote: »
    Your wife not trimming herself is a symptom of an overall lack of confidence in themselves.

    I wouldn't necessarily agree with this. Not all women feel the need to get rid of their pubic hair, some prefer being natural and it does have to be an indication of a self esteem issue.


  • #41
    rob316
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,284 ✭✭✭✭rob316


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I wouldn't necessarily agree with this. Not all women feel the need to get rid of their pubic hair, some prefer being natural and it does have to be an indication of a self esteem issue.

    Of course. But OP said she doesnt do it anymore


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  • #42
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    rob316 wrote: »
    Of course. But OP said she doesnt do it anymore

    To jump to the conclusion that it's becase she has low self-esteem is a stretch. It's certainly possible. But it's equally possible she's a busy mum of three kids who didn't realise this was a big deal for her husband and decided to go au naturelle.

    A frank and honest, but not overly blunt, conversation is what's needed here.


  • #43
    Dancewithme
    Registered Users Posts: 70 ✭✭Dancewithme


    Did your wife always enjoy oral from you op? What way are you down there? Who gets up in the middle of the night with the kids? Who makes breakfast, lunch and dinner in the household? Who does the laundry and cleaning? Who did home schooling during lockdown? Have ye both been working from home during lockdown? I think your wife needs support from you tbh, there is more to this than a hairy fanny.


  • #44
    radiotrickster
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 888 ✭✭✭radiotrickster


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply

    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.
    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.

    Seeing as you’ve had to say it to other partners in the past, is it possible that it’s something you just have to get used to?
    Sour Lemonz wrote: »
    Considerable weight gain to one person could be a few pounds and other could be a few stone depending on their current and previous lifestyles.

    This is important. If I was a size 8 and went up to a size 10 or a 12, I wouldn’t be happy if my partner called me out on it. To me, they’re still healthy sizes. It’s not like I wouldn’t know myself that I’d gained weight.

    But I’ve gone from a 12 to a 16 over the last two years. While I’m not happy about it, my partner is still nothing but kind. It was a big relief to hear him say that he still loved me the same regardless of my weight because I was still the same person.

    Knowing that I didn’t have any pressure from my partner to change has actually made it easier to get an interest in my appearance and taking care of myself again.
    The best thing you can do is talk to your wife and really listen. Listen if she says she doesn’t care about how she looks or it doesn’t bother her or she’s too busy.

    It’s her body at the end of the day, and if she’s not bothered about losing out on oral then you have to be willing to accept it!


  • #45
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Of course your partner should love you if you gain weight etc or other stuff.

    But i guess they can help bring out the best in you too and help give you time and money to help bring out the best in your. Not just in looks but in every part of your life.


  • #46
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    rob316 wrote: »
    It's in both your interests for her to be confident and feeling good about her appearance. Time way be precious, but suggest doing physical activities together or going to gym classes together. Adopt a healthy eating attitude at home. Can you cook? If you can't, learn. Your wife not trimming herself is a symptom of an overall lack of confidence in themselves.

    Or its a symptom of someone rising several kids and having to prioritize others over herself. Easy to say go the gym and eat better but when you've got several kids to juggle it's not always so simple. The OP hasn't given enough details on how many kids, they just say several - they don't say how old and how far apart in age the kids are. Doesn't say if they both work. Are they done having kids? Have they talked about this? Maybe his wife doesn't want anymore but the OP does so she's trying to put him off sex. There are a lot of factors and the only way to know is to talk.

    They aren't a new couple, they are parents of several kids, they should be able to talk about things. It shouldn't be 'I know you've had several kids but you've let yourself go and I'm not attracted to you anymore', it should be 'hey is everything ok, can I help take some pressure off you so we are a better couple together'


  • #47
    Adam9213
    Registered Users Posts: 274 ✭✭Adam9213


    can't log in wrote: »
    Or its a symptom of someone rising several kids and having to prioritize others over herself. Easy to say go the gym and eat better but when you've got several kids to juggle it's not always so simple. The OP hasn't given enough details on how many kids, they just say several - they don't say how old and how far apart in age the kids are. Doesn't say if they both work. Are they done having kids? Have they talked about this? Maybe his wife doesn't want anymore but the OP does so she's trying to put him off sex. There are a lot of factors and the only way to know is to talk.

    They aren't a new couple, they are parents of several kids, they should be able to talk about things. It shouldn't be 'I know you've had several kids but you've let yourself go and I'm not attracted to you anymore', it should be 'hey is everything ok, can I help take some pressure off you so we are a better couple together'

    She's probably hinting to stay away from me


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