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I feel like a child

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  • 16-09-2019 9:54pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi All

    A pedantic issue here. I am a 25 year old individual but I don't see myself as an adult. I feel like a child, or at least a very non grown up awkward teenager. Despite having a full time job or graduating college, I just don't see myself as an adult, and it affects my working life, I think I fulfill this mindset of being a child by being pretty helpless and incompetent at my job, I lack initiative and need to be shown how to do everything, like a child. Similarly when it comes to romantic endeavors, I've had essentially none, I don't view myself as a sexual being. I'm a child, or at least that how it feels. My friend recently revealed to me that she once dated a manager in our company who is about 10 years our senior. I rolled over laughing at this, I had worked with this manager prior to knowing this but I would never have ever considered him dating material, more like a student teacher relationship. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone any advice how I deal with this weird sense of being.


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    #2
    Upforthematch
    Registered Users Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Upforthematch


    Some people aren't naturally good at taking life by the scruff of the neck.

    It sounds like you are sitting back and letting your job or relationships just happen around you.

    Are you living with your parents? If so maybe consider getting some independence?

    By posting on boards, maybe this is now a starting point to start learning to show initiative at work or in relationships?

    Not sure about your comment about not being a sexual being? Some people are asexual and some people just don't like to date their manager at work!!


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    #3
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    You can probably blame your parents for that one.

    Well... And society that i fantalises adults to some extent... Waiting til you're finished college til life begins.. Living at home and only seriously dating when over 30. Nostalgia.. And other reasons to watch cartoons and play pokemon go..

    College is a continuation of secondary which is a continuation of primary.. And the whole system is set up so that your first job is a continuation of college.

    You're really not alone in acting or feeling like a child. I heard some poorly-dressed simpleton referring to himself as a kid the other day. He was 25 and weighed about 13 stone. A kid?!

    If you want to feel grown up make your own choices in life rather than the choices a parent would like you to make so they can brag to their friends about how well you're doing.

    Develop your own values, study philosophy, enjoy art... I don't do any if this stuff but it seems like something a grown-up should do!
    In psychology there's your shadow self.. So maybe there's something about you viewing yourself as a good little boy /girl that's causing you to disown positive aspects of being a grownup.

    You sense something is up.. A bit more introspection is needed to figure out what, and what you can do about it.


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    #4
    santana75
    Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭santana75


    I'll go against the grain a bit and say that you should never lose that child like nature. The world will try and make you a "Grown up" and beat the sense of wonder and innocence out of you. Dont let that happen. Dont try to be like everyone else, let yourself be that child like person because in the long run, you'll be the one whos 70 years old with a glowing radiance compared to most people who, by that stage in life, are broken and cynical. Jesus said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"
    Look upon your childlike nature as a gift, because it is. Dont be in a rush to get rid of it or to judge it.


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    #5
    bottlebrush
    Registered Users Posts: 8,192 ✭✭✭bottlebrush


    santana75 wrote: »
    I'll go against the grain a bit and say that you should never lose that child like nature. The world will try and make you a "Grown up" and beat the sense of wonder and innocence out of you. Dont let that happen. Dont try to be like everyone else, let yourself be that child like person because in the long run, you'll be the one whos 70 years old with a glowing radiance compared to most people who, by that stage in life, are broken and cynical. Jesus said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"
    Look upon your childlike nature as a gift, because it is. Dont be in a rush to get rid of it or to judge it.

    That's all very fine - except in the working environment. OP describes themselves as 'pretty helpless and incompetent at my job, I lack initiative and need to be shown how to do everything, like a child".
    Not sure how long work colleagues will continue to enable this before becoming impatient and resentful for 'carrying' you if they haven"t already. Just something you need to be aware of op.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi All,

    Thanks for the replies. I feel like this thread took a weird turn :P The whole sexual being hing-I meant like I look in the mirror I dont see a woman, I see a child, I see a child in children's clothes. Even if I was to wear something revealing or sexy, it wouldn't look sexy on me, it would just look very out of place. I immediately write every person I consider around the same age as me who I meet off, no dating or romantic potential ever, they are far too out of my league-the only romantic endeavors I pursue is really kissing some stranger I will never see again on nights out, when I "am in costume" I dress like an adult, I pretend I am an adult, that person will never know the real awkward weird me that is the hot mess I am. The idea of ever dating someone seems preposterous.

    I am not religious, nor a virgin (although with my serious lack of experience I might as well be :P ) or asexual, even tho my post may have given that vibe. I do not live with my family, I moved out when I started college and only moved back over summer holidays, however I have been working full time for a few years now so the most time Ive spent at home would maybe be a week over the Christmas holidays, and the occasional weekend. I didn't have the strongest family unit when I was a kid, so I wouldn't say I over rely on my parent, they were never around when I was growing up, and my other parent, well they were the opposite of what a parent should be-I had a pretty rough childhood tbh-I feel like kid me was more competent than adult me :P I never participated in extra curriculars when I was a kid so one of the things I did when I finished college was sign up for evening classes in a variety of things-theyre fun and I enjoy them, but I don't think it has help me grow up in any certain way.

    I am very aware that my incompetencies are affecting my work and my relationship with my colleagues. I am damn sure they're not happy with me in the slightest, my problem is, when it comes to the working world I am an idiot :P I was a swot in school and college, I got into med school and turned it down, I know I am smart, but in the working world, I suck. I suck ass big time. And IDK how to be better. Its easy to say come up with ideas, form some initiative, etc-but I legit don't know how to do that. I would just rather be given a set of instructions and carry those out all day long.

    IDK if this helped give any clarity on the situation, but perhaps this gives some more context.


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    #7
    B0jangles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,951 ✭✭✭B0jangles


    I remember being a late teenager/young adult and thinking that at some point in the near future I'd get over some kind of line and feel like a Real Adult. Short answer - that never happened and I'm well past young adulthood :P People just deal with circumstances as they happen as well as they can and put on as brave as face as possible. Everyone's just muddling through for the most part.
    (This is not meant to be a 'you're young, get over it!' -type response - just a reassurance that you are not alone in feeling this way :) )

    It does sound like you are experiencing a version of Imposter Syndrome - you constantly doubt yourself and second guess your ability to do things which (from personal experience) tends produce exactly the bad result you're afraid of. Like, imagine you're just happily dancing and then you start thinking about exactly what movements you're doing - that sudden focus on the details breaks the flow of movement and suddenly you're not dancing, you're flailing. Next time you try to dance you only remember the flailing and you're fecked before you even start.

    Are you generally an anxious person? Anxiety is a devil for making you freeze up and focus so hard on the extremely unlikely but still possible-bad outcomes that you can't even see the more likely, good outcomes of a situation.


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    #8
    Purgative
    Registered Users Posts: 2,509 ✭✭✭Purgative


    That was a good post B0.


    OP I think there's a child in all of us. I'm over 60 but when bad things happen I still wish my Dad could put his arm around me.


    A couple of thoughts.


    Try and break down your problems and separate them, rather than combining them into one big hurdle.


    On the job front - any attempt by me to advise on other areas would be laughable. Are you in the right job?



    Doing a repetitive mundane simple job can seem attractive when you're near chaos but you are obviously very clever - your mind will wander. I wonder then if there is any scope for mentoring or coaching from your manager. Having managed people I'd much sooner they come to me to say they can't do "X". If its a genuine "can't do" rather than a "won't do" most managers worth the total will provide help.


    All the very best OP.


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    #9
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    I feel the same OP. But i guess i like it ....i think about things in a way other people don't. I am very creative ...i feel i see the world in a totally different way.



    Some people see it as weak or pathetic of me. And sometimes other people's views of you become your own.

    I guess exploit this feeling or the way you are for its strengths and try and over come its weaknesses.

    I guess the sexual feelings will come with the right person for you.

    Don't let the way people see you become what you feel inside. Discover and work on your strengths don't kill yourself over your weaknesses.


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    #10
    SirChenjin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,111 ✭✭✭SirChenjin


    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058010729

    Some of the advice in the linked thread might help on the work front.


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    #11
    weldoninhio
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,311 ✭✭✭✭weldoninhio


    OPBackAgain wrote: »
    Hi All,

    Thanks for the replies. I feel like this thread took a weird turn :P The whole sexual being hing-I meant like I look in the mirror I dont see a woman, I see a child, I see a child in children's clothes. Even if I was to wear something revealing or sexy, it wouldn't look sexy on me, it would just look very out of place. I immediately write every person I consider around the same age as me who I meet off, no dating or romantic potential ever, they are far too out of my league-the only romantic endeavors I pursue is really kissing some stranger I will never see again on nights out, when I "am in costume" I dress like an adult, I pretend I am an adult, that person will never know the real awkward weird me that is the hot mess I am. The idea of ever dating someone seems preposterous.

    I am not religious, nor a virgin (although with my serious lack of experience I might as well be :P ) or asexual, even tho my post may have given that vibe. I do not live with my family, I moved out when I started college and only moved back over summer holidays, however I have been working full time for a few years now so the most time Ive spent at home would maybe be a week over the Christmas holidays, and the occasional weekend. I didn't have the strongest family unit when I was a kid, so I wouldn't say I over rely on my parent, they were never around when I was growing up, and my other parent, well they were the opposite of what a parent should be-I had a pretty rough childhood tbh-I feel like kid me was more competent than adult me :P I never participated in extra curriculars when I was a kid so one of the things I did when I finished college was sign up for evening classes in a variety of things-theyre fun and I enjoy them, but I don't think it has help me grow up in any certain way.

    I am very aware that my incompetencies are affecting my work and my relationship with my colleagues. I am damn sure they're not happy with me in the slightest, my problem is, when it comes to the working world I am an idiot :P I was a swot in school and college, I got into med school and turned it down, I know I am smart, but in the working world, I suck. I suck ass big time. And IDK how to be better. Its easy to say come up with ideas, form some initiative, etc-but I legit don't know how to do that. I would just rather be given a set of instructions and carry those out all day long.

    IDK if this helped give any clarity on the situation, but perhaps this gives some more context.

    Sounds like you are lacking self esteem. If you got into med school you must be fairly clever. Growing up is hard, I was excellent in school, but when I left I saw some of my friends take off and excel in their jobs. While I’d probably be more intelligent than most of them, I just don’t seem to have the drive to push on. If I could stay in bed watching cartoon all day I would.

    Maybe you find the work you are doing too mundane. It’s hard to do something if it’s boring to you. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you, everyone is different.


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    #12
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    OPBackAgain wrote: »
    Hi All,

    Thanks for the replies. I feel like this thread took a weird turn :P The whole sexual being hing-I meant like I look in the mirror I dont see a woman, I see a child, I see a child in children's clothes. Even if I was to wear something revealing or sexy, it wouldn't look sexy on me, it would just look very out of place. I immediately write every person I consider around the same age as me who I meet off, no dating or romantic potential ever, they are far too out of my league-the only romantic endeavors I pursue is really kissing some stranger I will never see again on nights out, when I "am in costume" I dress like an adult, I pretend I am an adult, that person will never know the real awkward weird me that is the hot mess I am. The idea of ever dating someone seems preposterous.

    I am not religious, nor a virgin (although with my serious lack of experience I might as well be :P ) or asexual, even tho my post may have given that vibe. I do not live with my family, I moved out when I started college and only moved back over summer holidays, however I have been working full time for a few years now so the most time Ive spent at home would maybe be a week over the Christmas holidays, and the occasional weekend. I didn't have the strongest family unit when I was a kid, so I wouldn't say I over rely on my parent, they were never around when I was growing up, and my other parent, well they were the opposite of what a parent should be-I had a pretty rough childhood tbh-I feel like kid me was more competent than adult me :P I never participated in extra curriculars when I was a kid so one of the things I did when I finished college was sign up for evening classes in a variety of things-theyre fun and I enjoy them, but I don't think it has help me grow up in any certain way.

    I am very aware that my incompetencies are affecting my work and my relationship with my colleagues. I am damn sure they're not happy with me in the slightest, my problem is, when it comes to the working world I am an idiot :P I was a swot in school and college, I got into med school and turned it down, I know I am smart, but in the working world, I suck. I suck ass big time. And IDK how to be better. Its easy to say come up with ideas, form some initiative, etc-but I legit don't know how to do that. I would just rather be given a set of instructions and carry those out all day long.

    IDK if this helped give any clarity on the situation, but perhaps this gives some more context.


    You just need the right person op. Don't let the mirror dictate how you feel about yourself. You have to be the girl looking out at the world not observing yourself from the outside in. Its being really unfair to yourself to do that.

    Find your style and your mojo!

    As regards work ...find your ideal job and where you fit. Find somewhere and something that you are good at.

    Tell a fish to climb a tree it will feel stupid. A fish is a fish.

    Everyone else here can see how clever you are. See it in yourself. Give yourself some credit.


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    #13
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,411 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    There's a yawning gulf between academic intelligence and general cop-on/day-to-day nous/ability to function as an adult in a workplace. Plenty of people have one but not the other; the most well-rounded and successful people tend to have both.

    Imposter syndrome is fairly common, I know many incredibly intelligent, accomplished people who've suffered from it to varying degrees throughout their careers. Hell, I've had it myself at times. I can't say much of what the OP is describing as her working experience matches any of that, though.

    OP, may I ask, did you ever have a part-time job as a teenager? Or were expected to do certain chores/jobs at home growing up? How did you fare at these?


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    #14
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    How about starting simple, ie tackle the work environment issue.

    You must have a good ability to process info if you were accepted to do medicine, so how did you apply yourself then versus your working environment? You say you’d prefer to operate on instructions - can you apply the learning skills you have, to create your own instructions for yourself?

    Or is it decision making in the work place that’s your issue? So not absorbing knowledge, but applying it? If so, that takes everyone time to adjust to.

    I think you should try to use the skills you clearly have, and then figure out exactly which things in work you feel least comfortable with. That will highlight what you need to work on. Which may be organisational skills, applying yourself differently, or people skills.

    I do have a feeling that you are the same person that described running around with a spoon. Maybe I’m wrong. If I’m right, then maybe being conscious of how your behaviour is perceived by others is something to pay attention to.


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    #15
    SirChenjin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,111 ✭✭✭SirChenjin


    Yes, I suggest also, start with the work aspect. Some of the advice in the thread I linked above, might be applicable. It may also be the case, that you are being overly negative about yourself and the perceptions that others have of you.

    That said, if you are aware that others at work are carrying you, and that you are not pulling your weight, is there some one you can discuss this with?
    Your manager, for example, should be able to help with goal setting, training, mentoring, coaching or whatever is required.

    In relation to the childhood that you mention, I'm not going to presume to advise you on that, but it might help to talk things out with a counsellor. It sounds perhaps that you feel you missed out on something as a child and maybe that's why you are still regarding yourself (and perhaps behaving?) as one.

    One thing at a time, OP. Start with work, as has been advised.
    All the best.


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    #16
    lastusername
    Registered Users Posts: 338 ✭✭lastusername


    TimeToGrowUp wrote: »
    Has anyone any advice how I deal with this weird sense of being.

    OP, what if how you felt about yourself was ok?

    What if you didn't have to deal with anything, because how you feel is how you feel, and that's all ok?


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    #17
    Whitestripe
    Registered Users Posts: 90 ✭✭Whitestripe


    OP, are you by any chance one of the younger people in the office/ team? I find that you easily slip into a role if you are working with more senior team members who are maybe a bit more set in their ways. Happened to me before for sure


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