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Irish Jokes

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    #152
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates.
    When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.
    "Glory be!" said Paddy. "I must have been really drunk when I got home,I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"


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    #153
    Madam
    Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    Sausage Fest

    Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them - they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me'.

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

    Murphy replied, with a smile 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
    free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
    ;)


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    #154
    Madam
    Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin.

    He says "How much do you charge?"

    She says "150 euro"

    He says "I've got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland medals I won in the 50s"

    She says "Ok", takes them and off they go and do the business.

    Next night another old man approaches her.

    He asks "How much do you charge?"

    She replies "150"

    He asks "Are you any good?"

    She answers "I've two All Ireland medals!"


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    #155
    fryup
    Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    well you've changed your tune..i thought you said you didn't like irish jokes??


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    #156
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddys wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
    Sure enough, Paddy lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
    He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
    "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
    So Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Be'jasus,you're right, you know."


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    #157
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy walks into a bar and says "Barman, one round for everyone, on me!"
    The barman says, "Well, Paddy, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmmm?"
    Paddy says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
    The barman congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
    Monday evening arrives. Paddy comes back into the bar and says "Barman , TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
    The barman says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your pay check!"
    Paddy looks at the barman with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of Euro's from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"


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    #158
    Madam
    Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    fryup wrote: »
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    well you've changed your tune..i thought you said you didn't like irish jokes??

    I did'nt say I didn't like irish jokes I said I didn't like jokes that denigrate the irish all the the time:) I'm not some oul fuddy duddy you know;)


    The Pearly Gates

    An English Man, a Scotsman and an Irishman were at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when St. Peter told them, "You three have not been living holy lives! To enter the Gates of Heaven you must outsmart the Devil!" Afterwards they were sent into Pandemonium to be challenged by Satan himself.


    First of all, the English Man asked the Devil, "Who beat Manchester United in the 1957 FA Cup Final?" The devil replied, "Aston Villa won by 2 Goals to 1!" The Englishman was then condemned to hell. Then the Scotsman asked the Devil, "Who did William Wallace fight against in the Battle of Bannockburn?" The Devil Replied, "The Forces of Edward the First of England! Also known as 'Longshanks' and 'The Hammer of the Scots'!" The Scotsman was then condemned to Hell.


    Then the Irish Man came with an empty Connect 4 Board and farted through it! "Now Devil!", asked the Irishman, "Do you know which hole it came out of?" The Devil replied, "The second hole in the second row!" The Irishman replied, "No, it came out of my Arsehole!" The Irish Man was then sent to Heaven.

    :P:P:P


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    #159
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
    He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
    He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
    The conversation went like this:
    "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
    "And the best of the day t'yerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
    There's a donkey lying dead in m'front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with
    the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
    There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . .
    Father O'Malley then replied: "Sure,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,
    which is the reason for the call."


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    #160
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy was visiting London for the first time. He wanted to see the Houses of Parliament.
    Unfortunately, he couldn't find them, so he asked a policeman for directions.
    The policeman said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
    Three hours later the policeman returned to the same area and, sure enough, Paddy is still waiting at the same bus stop.
    The policeman got out of his car and said, "Excuse me,to get to the Houses of Parliament, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
    Paddy replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 49th bus just went by!"


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    #161
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy is at a job interview.
    "What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
    "Honesty."
    "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
    "To be sure,I don't give a fcuk what you think."


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    #162
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
    The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
    The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"


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    #163
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    68mcv4.jpg
    6dTdne.jpg


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    #164
    BamboozledN
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5 ✭BamboozledN


    I still think the best is:

    A horse walked into a bar and the barman said "Why the long face?"


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    #165
    gammygils
    Registered Users Posts: 17,229 ✭✭✭✭gammygils


    A Meath man in a pub says to his pals ''Jaysis I went fishin the other
    day and I caught a whale!''

    ''Jaysis!!'' said the boys ''What kind of a whale?''

    ''A whale o' a bike!!''


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    #166
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through
    her knicker drawer and finding a Nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit,
    and a Policewomans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a
    job, she's not for him.


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    #167
    RedSeven7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 126 ✭✭RedSeven7


    A true story, but I think it suits the irish jokes category quite well... :pac:

    Visiting the cliffs of moher with my family and an american asked:
    "Do people fall off these cliffs often?"
    My granddad replied:
    "Nah, just the once"


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    #168
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five
    Hail Mary's and put £10 in the poor box '
    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that,you didn't put any money in the poor box!'
    The Irishman replied, 'Yes, but I rubbed the £10 note on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


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    #169
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    One day, Paddy is walking to his girls house and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her knickers off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers." Paddy looks at her and says " Oh bejasus, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."


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    #170
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
    company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
    and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the
    poor creature?'
    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
    animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
    there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
    creature.'
    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think €5,000 is enough to
    donate to them for the service?'
    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
    tell me the dog was Catholic?


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    #171
    trailer park boy
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭trailer park boy


    omg this thread is great!


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    #172
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

    There were four men .......

    One was walking briskly up the hill;
    One was inside the brothel;
    One was walking slowly down the hill and
    The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

    What were the nationalities of the four men?

    * The man going up the hill: was rushin

    * The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

    * The man walking down the hill: was finish

    * The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green


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    #173
    philstar
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,986 ✭✭✭philstar


    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    as old as that hill, that one


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    #174
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ...

    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

    When they arrived in Cork , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

    The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him £2000.00 in England !

    The agent turned his computer screen and back to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'


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    #175
    Madam
    Registered Users Posts: 1,501 ✭✭✭Madam


    Bootup wrote: »
    A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ...

    The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

    When they arrived in Cork , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

    The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him £2000.00 in England !

    The agent turned his computer screen and back to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'

    Lucky you being sexist and racist all in one go.........................

    Nah only kidding - titter I did;)


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