He disappeared after sex

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 11:21am #1

I have been dating someone for a while and as the title says he more or less disappeared after we had sex after a movie night date on Friday. I don't know if I should write him off or what to think.....I'm also so angry I don't think I want to hear from him but I want to make sure I don't make the same mistake again.

We met online a few years ago, and chatted on and off for a while. I cant remember why we didnt meet up. Then we got back in contact about 5 weeks ago, he lives the other side of the country and has driven to see me every weekend apart from the first one so this was our 4th date. Every previous one he has stayed with friends locally.
We have been in contact every day though last week was quite strange- I hadn't heard from him most of the week to the point where I asked if we were still meeting up as I thought he had lost interest!
The 2 days before the date he was back to normal and chatting away happily.

The day after the date he texted me as usual when he arrived to his friends then silence, there was none of the previous days chat or the way it had been with us every other time, it was back to the weird silence of during the week but I put it down to him being busy with friends (even though he usually made the effort) and ignored it. Eventually when I was heading to bed I texted him saying goodnight and that it was a pity i hadnt heard from him, he replied saying sorry and that he was out. So I left it at that.

The next day I got a bit pissed off and felt very used, so I said how come you're suddenly so busy you can't send a text? And he replied saying sorry I was out all night and then I went to mass.
I was so angry that it was the second time in a week he just stopped bothering with me out of the blue, it's one thing to do it last week when he could be busy but directly after sex it's so nasty.

So I ended up saying something like it's pretty cold to have sex with someone and not bother to contact them afterwards it only takes a second to send a text...and you had plenty of time before.

Of course he didn't reply and I feel really stupid and used. If he wanted to contact me he would have, and I shouldn't have lashed out like that and made it clear that I was annoyed!!

Surely no one would put in that much effort just for sex? It wasn't even good sex....he had a few technical issues and ended up having to go to sleep and then wake up again! We are both in our thirties, not kids.

squonk · 15-08-2016 2:22pm

Sounds like it's classic "he's just not that into you" really. What struck me was that it was only 4 dates but you're on different sides of the country as well so its a bit of effort getting to actually go on dates. It doesn't take long for the novelty to wear off and the travelling and the practicalities to become a pain. Sounds like that maybe happened here. As for the sex, it could be that he fancied you and would have liked to take it that far but that ticked a box and that was it done for him at that point.

Another perspective might be that he was a bit embarrassed if there were 'mission launch difficulties' and was feeling a bit bashful about that. I don't think the texts you sent afterwards helped the situation and, to me, looked a bit 'crazy lady' really, which I know isn't what you are and the case either but there's probably a failure to communicate on both your parts here.

It's 4 dates only so not a lot invested on either side. It's a bit shítty the way things went but chalk it up to experience and move on really, that's all you can do.

GingerLily · 15-08-2016 2:26pm

If the sex wasn't great I'd imagine he's a bit embarrassed and that's why he's been distant.
You probably scared him off now anyway with your reaction so probably best to write him off.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 2:33pm

Annoyedop wrote: »

Surely no one would put in that much effort just for sex?

Eh, yes, they would. Overall, it sounds to me like he may have another life, possibly including a wife, hence the limited chances to text etc. Whatever the reason behind it, stop analysing his behaviour, he simply don't have any respect for you and the best thing you can do for yourself is forget he existed and put your energies into finding something better.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 2:38pm

Op here

I forgot to say in my first post that before our date we had a chat about what we wanted and both agreed that we wanted to continue dating and see what happens which was why it was so confusing when he acted that way.
He's not going to struggle to meet people and he put so much effort in its really weird to just suddenly lose interest. Maybe embarrassment is the reason alright. He seemed very embarrassed at the time! !

SarahMollie · 15-08-2016 3:18pm

Hi OP,

One thing that jumps out to me is that you said he's exhibited some inconsistent behaviour prior to you sleeping together. So basically, the warning signs were there but you ignored them for whatever reason.

Perhaps this is the learning you need to take away from this experience.

Dave0301 · 15-08-2016 3:30pm

To be honest OP, without knowing the exact amount of times you left between texts and hearing from him, if it was me and I got a text telling me off and I had genuinely been busy I would be annoyed.

Rekop dog · 15-08-2016 3:46pm

Seems like you were very hypersensitive after having sex with him. It's not like he went days without contacting you. He text you the next day before visiting his friends, apologised that night saying he was out with friends, you had a go at him the very next day again, he apologised again, and you continue to doubt his motives after that, you're coming on super strong there imo, most guys would run.

Like its easy to develop a self fulfilling prophecy that you think guys are only interested in one thing, and not realise its your needy behaviour that may have pushed him away. It's now validated your misguided assumption and you may act even more insecure next time, not a cycle you want to enter. Obviously also a chance he is a player but you gotta stay mindful that not all guys are and to play it a little more cool and not get too invested so quick.

squonk · 15-08-2016 3:55pm

I'd doubt a playa would bother putting in the cross country dating work when there is low hanging fruit to be found nearer home.

Thinking about this OP a bit more, maybe next time wait a bit before taking things to a sexual level. I'm not saying be a nun but it sounds like it's an important step for you and you need that reassurance afterwards. The only way you'll get that is to be sure that the rest of the relationship is solid at that stage.

Being blunt, unfortunately 4 dates isn't enough to deter some who are just along for the ride (pun intended) and you might be better off indicating that nothing will be happening for the foreseeable at the outset. Once the fireworks do kick off then later you will be feeling much more secure and the communication will have had a chance to mature as well.

harry Bailey esq · 15-08-2016 4:19pm

Annoyedop wrote: »

The next day I got a bit pissed off and felt very used, so I said how come you're suddenly so busy you can't send a text? And he replied saying sorry I was out all night and then I went to mass.

The little snippet of your qoute im posting sums it up really.Move on,go on more dates and,eventually you'll find somebody who wants the same as you in life.Personally speaking(and blunt)as a man though,receiving texts like the one you sent would raise red flags and set alarm bells ringing.If it was a long term relationship less so,but after just one sexual encounter I'd run for the hills.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-08-2016 4:40pm

Annoyedop wrote: »

The day after the date he texted me as usual when he arrived to his friends then silence,

He was with friends. He texted you (first?) When he got to his friends to let you know he was there, or whatever.. then he got on with enjoying his time with his friends.

I think the difference in the two of you was, you were sitting at home, after having sex with him waiting for him to contact you. You weren't doing anything else that day. He on the other hand had met up with friends and was enjoying himself. Not saying he wasn't thinking about you, but he certainly hadn't as much time on his hands as you did. A few hours to you was like a lifetime waiting in silence, to him it was a couple of hours where he was busy doing something else.

I have to say I think this could be a simple case of crossed wires and an overreaction on your part.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 4:42pm

Dave0301 wrote: »

To be honest OP, without knowing the exact amount of times you left between texts and hearing from him, if it was me and I got a text telling me off and I had genuinely been busy I would be annoyed.

The first was an entire day between him leaving and me going to bed that night. The second was the following evening. So perhaps 17/18 hours later.

For the people who said it's a self- filling prophecy, I suppose that's why I posted. I'm not sure if I had the idea in my head it's all he wanted and created this scenario or if it actually was. It seems a lot of effort for verylittle back....

In the meantime he has actually texted and said he thinks I'm a nice woman but the distance isnt helping. Its something he said before so I'm not sure if it's a brush off or just frustration I'll just step back and stop trying to work out where his heads at.

Skibunny77 · 15-08-2016 5:01pm

Op, you know what, don't feel bad about this! You clearly noticed a change in his communication, he usually kept in touch with you while out with friends and I would certainly expect contact from a guy, the day after sleeping with him for the first time. You were right to feel hurt. I'm not a fan of sending or receiving cross texts, but if this guy was sincerely into it, he would have been tripping over himself to send you a few texts or be on first thing the following day. As you said, you're not a pair of kids, he withdrew, you called him out on it, probably less calmly than you'd like to, chalk it down to experience and move on.

squonk · 15-08-2016 7:49pm

You know I think you're well rid. At this point, given all you have said now I think what was happening was that he was giving it a chance. He liked you but wasn't really that pushed either but it was worth putting in the effort to see what would happen. There's only so long enthusiasm and willingness to try will compensate for a distance barrier. I actually think the sex crystallized his feelings. I think that just emphasised for him that the connection wasn't there. I wouldn't feel used if I was you. Could well be that wasn't what he was intending but just that the distance and lack of spontaneity hadn't helped and that, once you were finally in bed together, that the magic wasn't really there.

Long distance is hard. If you were both in the same town it might have worked, or you'd have lasted a few months but definitely longer. Don't take it hard. It's just one case where it didn't work out but you'd only had 4 dates and nobody really wasted anyone's time.

Like I said before, find someone new, have fun, relax and don't get invested too early. Before you do date again though just take time out and think about what sex means to you, what you want from it and where you want to be with a partner before you head down that road. The right guy will hang on til you are ready and will take the longer term view rather than risk losing you for some pillow talk after a few dates.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 8:07pm

Thanks for the input guys.

Thinking about it a bit more he hasn't acted any differently to previously. Its pretty normal for him to wander off and not contact me very much for a few days and then start chatting again as if nothing has happened. Because I wasn't too interested for the first few weeks it didn't bother me so I'm only picking up on it now.

Really all that has changed is we slept together and I expected him to act differently because of that which was probably unfair.
From what I can see he seems to think exactly the same as he did before so perhaps I do just need to relax.

beks101 · 15-08-2016 8:12pm

The key to dating is to not get emotionally invested too early and to adapt a "wait and see" policy in those early days. And four dates is very early days. Four dates is nothing tbh.

It seems you did the opposite, you put all of your eggs in one basket with this fella based on a bit of texting and a few dates and you treated it like a relationship with no grounds for doing so.

If sleeping with someone intensifies your feelings for them, don't sleep with them until you're comfortable and secure in a relationship. I think the history you have with this guy (who's contacting you randomly after all these years - why? Racking through his phone list was he? Seems a bit gamey) and the frequency of contact seemed to create the illusion of intimacy, when in fact you know very little about this guy and what he's looking for.

Messylady · 15-08-2016 8:32pm

beks101 wrote: »

The key to dating is to not get emotionally invested too early and to adapt a "wait and see" policy in those early days. And four dates is very early days. Four dates is nothing tbh.

It seems you did the opposite, you put all of your eggs in one basket with this fella based on a bit of texting and a few dates and you treated it like a relationship with no grounds for doing so.

If sleeping with someone intensifies your feelings for them, don't sleep with them until you're comfortable and secure in a relationship. I think the history you have with this guy (who's contacting you randomly after all these years - why? Racking through his phone list was he? Seems a bit gamey) and the frequency of contact seemed to create the illusion of intimacy, when in fact you know very little about this guy and what he's looking for.

I'm the op. Its taking ages for my posts to be approved so I set up an account.

No that's not what happened we stopped talking cos we were both in relationships and happen to be both online dating at the same time again. He recognised me got in touch we chatted etc.

I have anther post waiting for approval in which I say that in hindsight I realise he hasn't changed his behaviour at all. He has always had periods of quiet I only noticed recently as I've started to be more interested and that its my expectations that have changed rather than him which is wrong and unfair.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2016 10:01pm

You became vulnerable after you slept with him and sought out ways to express this and it didn't work. Be more aware of your emotions next time and how you feel about someone and don't sleep with them unless you couldn't give a fiddlers whether they contact you or not after, because that's where you are leaving yourself vulnerable. Be self disciplined, not as in don't have sex, but value yourself and your time and be clear in what you want to the other person. Stop wasting your time and energy focusing on this. Just stop thinking about it full stop, it will lead to negativity and you feeling upset. You can be sure he is not analysing this *at all*. Except for his performance of course but that's not about you it's about his ego, and totally irrelevant to you.

When I've found myself over analysing and wasting mental energy on something that was giving me absolutely nothing in return I decided to start meditating and through learning about techniques (such as vipissanna etc) I realised how ridiculous and stupid the minor and meaningless things I was getting myself tied up in a knot about were. Completely changed my perspective and now I'd never ever go back to the sad and lame excuse of a person I was that actually cared about similarly mundane stuff.

Messylady · 16-08-2016 7:53am

This post has helped me a lot.

I was recently single when I met him and that might have blinded me to his inconsistent behaviour. As I think about it there was more than just a week of inconsistencies, the change in contact started after the second date and gradually declined from before we met when it was quite overwhelming to last week where for all but the 2 days directly before the date we only spoke because I contacted him and his replies were short and answers to direct questions only.
He was almost constantly on the dating site too I thought it must have been a glitch any time I went to answer a message it showed him online but since we slept together he has taken down his photos and he's never online anymore so it was him.
I don't think he's in a relationship or has even met anyone but probably talking to someone.

The time we slept together he was coming up anyway, the night with friends had been planned for a while so he just came up a day early to see me. It wasn't a special trip. He still hasn't been in touch, he's replied to my 3 messages with 2 apologies and one saying he likes me and he knows the distance makes it harder which he says a lot
I don't understand why he's bothering if he's not interested. Is he just keeping me as an option in case something else doesnt work out?

Big Bag of Chips · 16-08-2016 8:48am

One thing that stands out is you got in touch with each other 5 weeks ago, and for the past 4 weeks he has travelled across the country to come to see you. He has mentioned the distance a few times, which is fair enough, I think. The relationship hasn't much chance of progressing if you're long distance from the start. But, was there a reason you didn't travel to him at least one of the weekends? Was he coming to your area anyway all of those weekends? I think a few things have happened. 1 he might genuinely be busy. Or he might not be a big texter. Some people could text all day everyday. Some don't see the point. 2 The distance genuinely is making any sort of relationship difficult and the bad sex has just cemented for him that it's not really working. 3 He does genuinely like you. He is genuinely making an effort but realising that he's not as in to you as he thought he might be. That's not his fault, by the way. You've only met 4 times with him making all the effort to see you, so both of you are just figuring out if you actually like each other. I think it's being a bit unfair to say he was just using you. It was an awful lot of effort for bad sex! It's more likely that he was getting to know you, same as you were getting to know him. He didn't use you. I assume you were a willing participant in the sex? So what happened was you both had sex. (Willingly) It didn't go very well, and that combined with the distance, maybe a perceived lack of interest from you to make an effort to travel to see him, and just general not feeling a spark is leading him to back off. Or maybe he's not backing off at all! Maybe he's being casual because you ARE casual. You're not his gf. You've only met 4 times! You're not in a relationship as such, so maybe he doesn't get the need for loads of texting! As for being on the dating site, why wouldn't he be? The new thing now seems to be dating a few people at the same time until you decide to be 'exclusive' (All very "Friends" but there you go!!)

Of course this is all just 'maybe'. Because there are so many factors here, and so many reasons he might be backing off, or not even be backing off but might not be one for daily contact. But I think it is unfair to say he used you for sex. He has been the one making all the actual effort. He has been the one putting in the hours and expense travelling. All you've had to do was send a few texts!

The only way you're really going to know what happened is to have a chat. A proper face to face chat. No texting. Maybe you should arrange to visit him next weekend for a talk? If you haven't scared him off that is

Messylady · 16-08-2016 9:37am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

One thing that stands out is you got in touch with each other 5 weeks ago, and for the past 4 weeks he has travelled across the country to come to see you. He has mentioned the distance a few times, which is fair enough, I think. The relationship hasn't much chance of progressing if you're long distance from the start. But, was there a reason you didn't travel to him at least one of the weekends? Was he coming to your area anyway all of those weekends? I think a few things have happened. 1 he might genuinely be busy. Or he might not be a big texter. Some people could text all day everyday. Some don't see the point. 2 The distance genuinely is making any sort of relationship difficult and the bad sex has just cemented for him that it's not really working. 3 He does genuinely like you. He is genuinely making an effort but realising that he's not as in to you as he thought he might be. That's not his fault, by the way. You've only met 4 times with him making all the effort to see you, so both of you are just figuring out if you actually like each other. I think it's being a bit unfair to say he was just using you. It was an awful lot of effort for bad sex! It's more likely that he was getting to know you, same as you were getting to know him. He didn't use you. I assume you were a willing participant in the sex? So what happened was you both had sex. (Willingly) It didn't go very well, and that combined with the distance, maybe a perceived lack of interest from you to make an effort to travel to see him, and just general not feeling a spark is leading him to back off. Or maybe he's not backing off at all! Maybe he's being casual because you ARE casual. You're not his gf. You've only met 4 times! You're not in a relationship as such, so maybe he doesn't get the need for loads of texting! As for being on the dating site, why wouldn't he be? The new thing now seems to be dating a few people at the same time until you decide to be 'exclusive' (All very "Friends" but there you go!!)

Of course this is all just 'maybe'. Because there are so many factors here, and so many reasons he might be backing off, or not even be backing off but might not be one for daily contact. But I think it is unfair to say he used you for sex. He has been the one making all the actual effort. He has been the one putting in the hours and expense travelling. All you've had to do was send a few texts!

The only way you're really going to know what happened is to have a chat. A proper face to face chat. No texting. Maybe you should arrange to visit him next weekend for a talk? If you haven't scared him off that is

Thanks. It makes sense.
The problem is he was really into texting at first. It actually irritated me it was so much and over the last few weeks it eased off until it became nothing. I mean it went from a ridiculous maybe 30 texts a day between our 1-2 dates to nothing last week. Though he's still on WhatsApp every few minutes so someone else is getting the same treatment
If I asked a question he'd reply but that was it until a few days before our date I said I wanted to cancel as things had changed too much. We had a chat he said he wanted to keep dating for the time being and I said how can we date if you're not interested in talking to me. So he then made an effort until the day of the date and immediately silence again.A busy weekend is one thing I think some contact would be normal? I'm annoyed because I was under the impression things were continuing, if I wanted a one night stand there's easier ways.

I did offer to meet half way twice and two other times including the most recent one he was coming up anyway. He comes this way every 3-4 weeks anyway so the distance isnt quite that big a deal. It'd be very easy to see each other once a fortnight taking it in turns to travel.

Honestly I don't think it's any of those things. I think he was losing interest or got bored or met someone else that caught his interest. Maybe all 3! Why he insists on stringing me along rather than being straight is a different kettle of fish.

Messylady · 16-08-2016 9:38am

Isn't it sad that he's not bothered that his silence might scare me off:D I think if he actually liked me he'd have made sure to be in touch so I didn't meet someone else.

Mr. Incognito · 16-08-2016 9:45am

Sounds like he is just putting all his attention into the next girl or girls.

I think you need to write this one off.

SarahMollie · 16-08-2016 9:47am

Op once more wrote: »

The first was an entire day between him leaving and me going to bed that night. The second was the following evening. So perhaps 17/18 hours later.

For the people who said it's a self- filling prophecy, I suppose that's why I posted. I'm not sure if I had the idea in my head it's all he wanted and created this scenario or if it actually was. It seems a lot of effort for verylittle back....

In the meantime he has actually texted and said he thinks I'm a nice woman but the distance isnt helping. Its something he said before so I'm not sure if it's a brush off or just frustration I'll just step back and stop trying to work out where his heads at.

Hi OP,

With the best will in the world, you already have your answer.
The highlighted piece above speaks volumes. True, he's sending somewhat mixed signals, but the fact that he's saying things like this at all, tell me that his heart isnt in it.

You don't say "you're a nice person but...." to someone you're truly interested in.

panda100 · 16-08-2016 9:53am

Messylady wrote:

Thanks. It makes sense. The problem is he was really into texting at first. It actually irritated me it was so much and over the last few weeks it eased off until it became nothing. I mean it went from a ridiculous maybe 30 texts a day between our 1-2 dates to nothing last week.

In my experience, and I have friends who have experienced the same, guys (or girls!) who overly text or message at the start are not the best relationship material. Its different if they follow through with meeting up but if its all text/whatsapping its not too healthy imo.

Messylady · 16-08-2016 10:08am

SarahMollie wrote: »

Hi OP,

With the best will in the world, you already have your answer.
The highlighted piece above speaks volumes. True, he's sending somewhat mixed signals, but the fact that he's saying things like this at all, tell me that his heart isnt in it.

You don't say "you're a nice person but...." to someone you're truly interested in.

Thank you for seeing the mixed signals!

I should have explained that that's just how he texts. Even when it was all happy happy wonderful it'd be good morning nice lady xxx he has a strange style of texting. A cross between over confident and scared to offend.

The distance thing he says randomly and it's not as a but it's just the distance doesn't help us. I think as BBOC said he feels it cos he's done all the driving and maybe feels it's his job and is expected?
I don't know.

I think I'm fairly close to giving up so I might give it one last shot and ask him straight does he want to meet again or leave it. Though I feel it could be a non answer....which is an answer.

Messylady · 16-08-2016 10:10am

panda100 wrote: »

In my experience, and I have friends who have experienced the same, guys (or girls!) who overly text or message at the start are not the best relationship material. Its different if they follow through with meeting up but if its all text/whatsapping its not too healthy imo.

He wanted to meet within a day it was me that held off for a week or so.

Tasden · 16-08-2016 10:48am

Honestly, if he was interested you would know, you would not be asking strangers online. He would make it known to you how interested he is. Stop worrying about him and be happy

16-08-2016 11:05am

You met this guy 4 times, you don't say anything about how wonderful or fantastic he is, I didn't get the impression that you were mad about him.
Then you slept together, you said yourself it wasn't even good sex!!!

It makes me wonder why you would bother?
Maybe you need time alone, to work on yourself, maybe get some confidence back? You said you were not long single when you started to see him?

Doesnt sound like a great love affair to me, I'd move on, sure you're not that bothered about him himself really, are you?

SarahMollie · 16-08-2016 11:06am

Messylady wrote: »

Thank you for seeing the mixed signals!

I should have explained that that's just how he texts. Even when it was all happy happy wonderful it'd be good morning nice lady xxx he has a strange style of texting. A cross between over confident and scared to offend.

The distance thing he says randomly and it's not as a but it's just the distance doesn't help us. I think as BBOC said he feels it cos he's done all the driving and maybe feels it's his job and is expected?
I don't know.

I think I'm fairly close to giving up so I might give it one last shot and ask him straight does he want to meet again or leave it. Though I feel it could be a non answer....which is an answer.

Yes, mixed signals are annoying, but I think what you need to appreciate is that mixed signals are (almost) always bad news.

The thing is, that he probably does think you're a nice person, so therefore its easy to keep chatting or send the odd text. But don't we all meet people all the time who are perfectly nice people. That doesnt mean we want to be in relationships with each of them. We're not going to be rude or blunt, but we're not going to go out of our way either. You can argue that thats unclear and confusing, but by not saying that he wants to be with you, he's telling you how he feels, even if thats disappointing to hear.

Forget about him and move on.

Messylady · 16-08-2016 11:26am

Thanks guys.

Well you all called it right. I sent him a very nice, polite text asking did he want to meet up again offering to go to him. I made it easy for him to back out by saying there's no pressure we could be friends etc.

He replied saying he'd like to be friends. He didn't explain or give a reason so I don't know why so it could be because I annoyed him over the weekend or it could be that he met someone or it could be that all he wanted was sex or it could be because the sex was bad who knows.
He clearly doesn't want to tell me but with the crazy texts and all the rest I'm starting to think possible he was an all about the chase man and once it's over his interest waned.

After the initial gut punch I'm fine now. It was quite a roller coaster of wondering what was going on. The irony was I didn't even fancy him at first....as a poster pointed out none of my posts are about him. I liked the attention and how it made me feel.

He disappeared after sex

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