He disappeared after sex

Emme

Messylady wrote: »

Thanks guys.

Well you all called it right. I sent him a very nice, polite text asking did he want to meet up again offering to go to him. I made it easy for him to back out by saying there's no pressure we could be friends etc.

He replied saying he'd like to be friends. He didn't explain or give a reason so I don't know why so it could be because I annoyed him over the weekend or it could be that he met someone or it could be that all he wanted was sex or it could be because the sex was bad who knows.
He clearly doesn't want to tell me but with the crazy texts and all the rest I'm starting to think possible he was an all about the chase man and once it's over his interest waned.

After the initial gut punch I'm fine now. It was quite a roller coaster of wondering what was going on. The irony was I didn't even fancy him at first....as a poster pointed out none of my posts are about him. I liked the attention and how it made me feel.

Why would you want to be friends with him?

Messylady

Emme wrote: »

Why would you want to be friends with him?

I have no intention of being friends with him. I just had a feeling if I put it as a yes or no question I'd get another rubbish answer so I put that in thst he'd think he was a good guy. Number deleted and I'll never speak to him again.

He wasn't scared off by a couple of texts 24-48 hours after he left me, he had that decision made before he even arrived here. A man genuinely excited would have found time to text in 24 hours busy or not he did every other time.

squonk

Don't bother with the friends thing OP. 8 times out of 10 those friendships don't stand the test of time and one party will lose interest in keeping up the contact. It'll just fizzle out. Either that or it might just take an unhealthy route where you just pick the other up after periods of no contact when you need a bit of support or sex. Not good really and better left as is I think. Now I tend to take the "I want to be friends" option as code for "let's just leave it here, so long and thanks for all the fish".

SarahMollie

Messylady wrote: »

Thanks guys.

Well you all called it right. I sent him a very nice, polite text asking did he want to meet up again offering to go to him. I made it easy for him to back out by saying there's no pressure we could be friends etc.

He replied saying he'd like to be friends. He didn't explain or give a reason so I don't know why so it could be because I annoyed him over the weekend or it could be that he met someone or it could be that all he wanted was sex or it could be because the sex was bad who knows.
He clearly doesn't want to tell me but with the crazy texts and all the rest I'm starting to think possible he was an all about the chase man and once it's over his interest waned.

After the initial gut punch I'm fine now. It was quite a roller coaster of wondering what was going on. The irony was I didn't even fancy him at first....as a poster pointed out none of my posts are about him. I liked the attention and how it made me feel.

OP, I'm not one bit surprised by this outcome. It sounded like you were flogging a dead horse, even before things got physical. You say yourself you only started to fancy him because you enjoyed the attention. Next time, you know that sex means emotional involvement for you, hold back until you know where you stand. Sex as a sticking plaster won't work. Sure look, at least you know for certain.

Just checking, but you do know that "lets be friends" means "lets hope to never have to speak to each other ever again", right?

Messylady

SarahMollie wrote: »

OP, I'm not one bit surprised by this outcome. It sounded like you were flogging a dead horse, even before things got physical. You say yourself you only started to fancy him because you enjoyed the attention. Next time, you know that sex means emotional involvement for you, hold back until you know where you stand. Sex as a sticking plaster won't work. Sure look, at least you know for certain.

Just checking, but you do know that "lets be friends" means "lets hope to never have to speak to each other ever again", right?

Yeah I think I knew deep down he'd lost interest he's a pretty nasty piece of work to do that though and I'm very shocked he would. The only decent thing is that he finally told me the truth.

To me that's what it means yes, unfortunately as I have history with this man I can guarantee hearing from him again.
Now I'm thinking about the chase theory I remember I'd hear from him every couple of months and I'd wonder why his dating/relationships always followed such a predictably short time pattern. Well now I know!! If I do hear from him I'll just block him. I'm not being part of it.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I don't know. Maybe I'm picking this up wrong, but I don't see that he really did anything all that terrible. You're giving off fairly mixed signals yourself. You said yourself you didn't even really fancy him at first. He wanted to meet up earlier, you put it off! Maybe from his perspective he tried but felt YOU weren't all that interested. You willingly had sex with him and then, again from his perspective, turned psycho with crazy messages accusing him of somehow using you or ignoring you afterwards. You admit his behaviour didn't suddenly change the next morning. Had you sent crazy-lady texts other times asking him why he couldn't reply to you?

Then after sending the texts, he then gets a "do you want to meet again, I'm not bothered one way or the other but if you want to I will" kind of text so I'd say he's thinking "feck it. The sex was a disaster. She's clearly not too interested, I'll just let this one go".

Like many things in young relationships, I'd guess this is a simple case of both of you being on completely different wave lengths, and you having your version of what happened and him with a completely different version. And funnily enough, neither of you necessarily wrong!

SarahMollie

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Like many things in young relationships, I'd guess this is a simple case of both of you being on completely different wave lengths, and you having your version of what happened and him with a completely different version. And funnily enough, neither of you necessarily wrong!

I think the OP said they were in their 30's....

Rekop dog

I guess it's easier for you to deal with the rejection by calling him a nasty piece of work, seems pretty inaccurate assessment of him based on everything you've said. To be honest you've lost the plot on this entire thing, you're level of obsession with his online activity be it on the dating website and whatsapp is very unhealthy. All for a guy that you say you weren't that into anyway. I'd hate to see how you deal with someone you do like. Very little men would stick around given the amount of psycho you've displayed, if anything he's probably on the nicer end of the scale for not completely ignoring you a while ago.

Messylady

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I don't know. Maybe I'm picking this up wrong, but I don't see that he really did anything all that terrible. You're giving off fairly mixed signals yourself. You said yourself you didn't even really fancy him at first. He wanted to meet up earlier, you put it off! Maybe from his perspective he tried but felt YOU weren't all that interested. You willingly had sex with him and then, again from his perspective, turned psycho with crazy messages accusing him of somehow using you or ignoring you afterwards. You admit his behaviour didn't suddenly change the next morning. Had you sent crazy-lady texts other times asking him why he couldn't reply to you?

Then after sending the texts, he then gets a "do you want to meet again, I'm not bothered one way or the other but if you want to I will" kind of text so I'd say he's thinking "feck it. The sex was a disaster. She's clearly not too interested, I'll just let this one go".

Like many things in young relationships, I'd guess this is a simple case of both of you being on completely different wave lengths, and you having your version of what happened and him with a completely different version. And funnily enough, neither of you necessarily wrong!

I accused him of not contacting me because he didn't, because in an entire day I don't believe he didn't have time to send a text. In fact he was on WhatsApp plenty of times so he had time to text other people.
We clearly had different attitudes to sex he thinks it's like kissing I think it's a step forward.

Actually I think there may have been other occasions where he had been quiet for a few days and I'd asked what was going on. But could someone tell me what's wrong with that because I don't understand why I can't ask? Is it OK for him to act how he likes blow hot and cold ignore me etc and I just put up with it?

I suppose I should have said I'd like to see him again rather than I didn't care. If he wasn't bothered himself it seemed a bit pointless. Though at that point I didn't care and I still don't really apart from the bruised ego.

I just really don't like thst he lied to me and told me he wanted to date me knowing I wouldn't have slept with him otherwise.

squonk

Leave it OP. Stop analysing all of this. What happened happened. You're putting spins on things now that simply aren't there. You had 4 dates and the whole affair was fairly tentative anyway by the sounds of it and it still comes back to the reality that sleeping toegher is more meaningful for you than him. Chalk it up and move on. Sometimes there aren't really valid reasons for things. As a woman in your 30's you should know this now. Go to the cinema, go out with friends, concentrate on a hobby or something but just stop overthinking all of this. It serves no purpose.

Big Bag of Chips

SarahMollie wrote: »

I think the OP said they were in their 30's....

I meant the relationship was young, as in in it's early days, not the couple themselves were young!

OP, you are in your 30s. Why did you have sex with him? He was already blowing hot and cold according to you. Did you think having sex with him was going to make him text you more often? Did you want to have sex with him, or did you only have sex with the expectation of getting more from him/the relationship? If you wanted to have sex with him, then I don't see the issue. Two consenting adults willingly had sex. If you had sex with him because you expected more from him afterwards, did you not use him?? Use sex with him to somehow look for more commitment from him.

It was 4 dates. A few hours. And a few weeks of haphazard texts. Sex wasn't going to magically change his attitude to texting you. Maybe he is dating others? Maybe he's part of a busy group chat with his mates. Maybe he reads the messages but doesn't reply immediately. To you, or them!

You really are coming across a bit ott and obsessive. I think you need to find someone who will be equally as enthusiastic (?) as you when it comes to relationships. This fella was a bit more laid back. It doesn't make him a nasty piece of work. It just makes him different to you. There will be someone more suited to you. Just not him.

Not his fault, though.

Skibunny77

Bigbagofchips, I entirely disagree with your assessment of the OPs character. Many people are emotionally invested with people they chose to sleep with, the OP and the guy had a conversation about dating, she clearly felt he was into her and when he vanished post sex, she was hurt. I have had many friends experience similar reactions in similar situations. OP has been wound up over this for a few days and sounds as though she is over it now. Most people struggle with the uncertainty when waiting to see if someone is interested in them and obsess a little until they get a final answer. It's a very human reaction.

OP, some advice. When single, I was very clear about what I wanted/needed in terms of contact when dating. I have never believed in wondering if someone likes me or not, personally, I think if you have to wonder, they just aren't that into it - the reasons why are irrelevant and out of your control, they just aren't into it. Nobody has ever had to wonder if I like them and in my successful and current relationships, I knew very quickly when someone was keen. If you find yourself wondering, or questioning contact, either have a conversation about it (no matter how early on) or walk away. Don't let it fester as it often ends in acting out of hurt. Sounds like you have bounced back already, good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Bigbagofchips, I entirely disagree with your assessment of the OPs character. Many people are emotionally invested with people they chose to sleep with, the OP and the guy had a conversation about dating, she clearly felt he was into her and when he vanished post sex, she was hurt.

But she also admits his behaviour post sex was fairly consistent with his behaviour beforehand. She feels he was blowing hot and cold before. If anything her behaviour post sex is the one that changed dramatically. She was happy enough to text, fairly regularly it would seem, even if he didn't always immediately answer. Then after sex she sends a couple of snotty texts, and then a "I'm not all that bothered, to be honest". I'd say the lad is left a bit bemused by it all. Look, I don't know OP, or this fella. All I have to go on is a few lines of text. I don't think the OP is an awful person, but equally I don't see what this fella has done to warrant being called "a nasty piece of work". Like I've said, we only have OP's take on this. It's very subjective. I'd say if we were to hear his take on it, you mightn't even know he was describing the same events!

OP, if sex is very important to you and means something more than casual, then in future don't have sex with fellas who you describe as "blowing hot and cold". It's not going to play out how you imagine it in your head.

Messylady

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But she also admits his behaviour post sex was fairly consistent with his behaviour beforehand. She feels he was blowing hot and cold before. If anything her behaviour post sex is the one that changed dramatically. She was happy enough to text, fairly regularly it would seem, even if he didn't always immediately answer. Then after sex she sends a couple of snotty texts, and then a "I'm not all that bothered, to be honest". I'd say the lad is left a bit bemused by it all. Look, I don't know OP, or this fella. All I have to go on is a few lines of text. I don't think the OP is an awful person, but equally I don't see what this fella has done to warrant being called "a nasty piece of work". Like I've said, we only have OP's take on this. It's very subjective. I'd say if we were to hear his take on it, you mightn't even know he was describing the same events!

OP, if sex is very important to you and means something more than casual, then in future don't have sex with fellas who you describe as "blowing hot and cold". It's not going to play out how you imagine it in your head.

Well I didn't text without an answer I replied to his texts, I don't think I ever texted him without a reply though no one answers immediately consistently. The day after we had sex it was an entire day before i contacted him. Then most of another day. I'm not justifying it but I think the timescale is being blown out of proportion. That's almost 2 entire days he hadn't been in contact after bombarding me with texts for days beforehand....I overreacted but if he was at all interested he'd have been in touch in 2 days. As an interesting point-not once have I ever not heard from him at weekends. Yes during the week busy at work etc but not at weekends. Possibly a coincidence.


It was and it wasn't consistent behavior really. As ive had more space to see it a bit clearer was consistent with how he acted as he lost interest but a few weeks is too short a time to make that judgement.

I didn't say I wasn't bothered about seeing him I offered to go to him for a change but yes I said I didn't mind, I was fairly sure he wasn't interested. It doesn't take 4 days to tell someone you enjoyed a night with them and he's never not contacted me for that long before so it was pretty obvious.

As to your other post yes of course I wanted to have sex with him and I chose that, but before I did we had a conversation about what our expectations were and we agreed we both wanted to continue dating. He then was very cheerful and chatty for the few days leading up to the date, arrived with flowers and chocolates, and then bang...it all changed immediately and he didn't have a word to say to me. It was quite a let down and I did feel quite stunned.
I expected things to continue as they were. No more no less and I don't think that's crazy.

Yes I was too invested.Of course if someone is blowing hot and cold it's time to walk away. I was stupid but lying to someone isn't ever ok so THAT is his fault.
I didn't behave well and I reacted to his behaviour rather than just walking away when it started more fool me but lesson learned and no harm done.
I'm over it now and I appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you so much

I don't think he really lied OP, he said he wanted to continue dating, but then he changed his mind.
really I don't know why you wanted to keep things going the way they were, you clearly didn't have any chemistry as regards the bedroom antics!

Tigger99

There's a few things here. Four dates in is extremely early to have a talk about expectations. it's also very ott for him to turn up with flowers and chocolates for a random (and such early stages) date. It doesn't sound like it was your birthday? In my experience guys that are ott at the start disappear quite quickly.

There are quite a few red flags here.

Messylady

Tigger99 wrote: »

There's a few things here. Four dates in is extremely early to have a talk about expectations. it's also very ott for him to turn up with flowers and chocolates for a random (and such early stages) date. It doesn't sound like it was your birthday? In my experience guys that are ott at the start disappear quite quickly.

There are quite a few red flags here.

It was a strange conversation. That we'd do what we were doing.

I don't think I'm wrong to want someone to be happy and enthusiastic the day after having sex with me and to act the way they did the day after other dates.
Choosing to go ahead when someone is already blowing hot and cold, the distance is causing problems and I know myself I'm not ready to move on from a relatioship ending was the problem.
I'm not at all bothered, I think I used the 'obsessive ' checking of his online activity to avoid dealing with my own break up issues. Which wasn't great but it happens. The person that pointed out I didn't seem to into him was right I I wasn't it was just a distraction unfortunately.

One thing I didn't say was that the morning he left I noticed he had a lovebite on his neck. Hed sat in such a way all night that that side was always facing away from me etc so I didn't notice until he was leaving.
He immediately blamed it on me (not something I've done for 20 years ) and then said oh I don't know how that could have happened but it was yellow/brown and from earlier in the week. Perhaps it's from something else who knows and he's a single man anyway but it did make me feel very uneasy and added to the no contact after the date I overreacted.

Anyway I'm happy enough with how it worked out there wasn't any chemistry and I didn't really enjoy it!!

beks101

Messylady wrote: »

Anyway I'm happy enough with how it worked out there wasn't any chemistry and I didn't really enjoy it!!

I think you should use this as an opportunity to figure out why you had this overreaction to a guy that you've decided you weren't even that into in the first place and use it to guide your dating habits in the future.

I know we can all get a bit obsessive during that "is he isn't he?" stage of dating, but to overanalyze and project onto this guy to the point that you have suggests some underlying confidence and trust issues that you really should work on before landing yourself in an even bigger headfcuk with a guy in the future.

Calypso Realm

Messylady wrote: »

.
I don't think I'm wrong to want someone to be happy and enthusiastic the day after having sex with me and to act the way they did the day after other dates. !!

Actually, OP, for your own sanity it is always better to approach having sex with the mindset of having NO expectations at all. The best thing to do is to just own it and be prepared to move on if things don't work out. By all means have sex whenever you want but do bear in mind (us ladies) do become more bonded after sex, which can, if you're not careful, lead to us being more clingy and needy afterwards. Not attractive behaviour at all. I believe this is what changed his mind. So with this in mind, always best to let the guy resume contact first.

Trust me the right guy will always be back! I've been in your position and know exactly what it is like. In my own case, while we didn't have sex, things went much further than I would have liked. I spent the next day concerned I'd might have ruined things but no way was I going to contact him! We had a date planned for the following night and when he turned up a few hours before the appointed time, I knew I had my answer and he was in it for the long haul! Which he was......

OP, a man failing to perform and, "having technical difficulties" is among the most potentially humiliating thing a guy can endure. I think most guys have encountered this at some stage or another, either through nerves or something else.

It would leave me seriously questioning why it happened. Then seeing that the distance is quite a lot and then your possibly angry texts, questioning him when he might actually be busy... it would put me off too, in fairness.

Messylady

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP, a man failing to perform and, "having technical difficulties" is among the most potentially humiliating thing a guy can endure. I think most guys have encountered this at some stage or another, either through nerves or something else.

It would leave me seriously questioning why it happened. Then seeing that the distance is quite a lot and then your possibly angry texts, questioning him when he might actually be busy... it would put me off too, in fairness.

It wasn't anything to dwell on from my perspective all was going fine until he went to put on a condom and then it left and wasn't returning we just went to sleep until he woke up about an hour later revived and it was good.

I think we were both quite upset as much as it's humiliating for you we women tend to blame ourselves and think it must be us he doesn't fancy me etc.

Possibly that's what happened, it could be a million things but no one is that busy they cant send a text in 3 days. I made mistakes and I won't make them again! I don't think he treated me very fairly either but when I didn't hear from him I should have made my own decision to leave it and not contacted him. Every days a teaching day

woodchuck

Messylady wrote: »

One thing I didn't say was that the morning he left I noticed he had a lovebite on his neck. Hed sat in such a way all night that that side was always facing away from me etc so I didn't notice until he was leaving.
He immediately blamed it on me (not something I've done for 20 years ) and then said oh I don't know how that could have happened but it was yellow/brown and from earlier in the week. Perhaps it's from something else who knows and he's a single man anyway but it did make me feel very uneasy and added to the no contact after the date I overreacted.

This sheds a whole new light on the situation!!

Your spidey sense was tingling and for good reason. He had an old love bite. I don't see how you can excuse this. I don't see any other way he could've gotten this unless he was carrying on with other women...

Good riddance to him OP!

Rekop dog

Where has three days come from? You said he contacted the day after before he went to his mates, and then you proceeded to go all Annie Wilkes at him from that night onwards... So half a day, while he was having fun with his friends, it all boils down to that. You really need to get it out of your head that your premature overreaction was justified here.

You say you've learned your lesson for next time, does that mean if a guy doesn't check in on you each and every hour in future you'll think he's not interested?

Messylady

Rekop dog wrote: »

Where has three days come from? You said he contacted the day after before he went to his mates, and then you proceeded to go all Annie Wilkes at him from that night onwards... So half a day, while he was having fun with his friends, it all boils down to that. You really need to get it out of your head that your premature overreaction was justified here.

You say you've learned your lesson for next time, does that mean if a guy doesn't check in on you each and every hour in future you'll think he's not interested?

I don't know who Annie Wilkes is but youre the person talking about me demanding every hour not me every other time he'd wanted to be in touch while being with that same friend and it wasn't conversation it was one r two hello type texts during the day. I found it strange that for the first time ever he was too busy to be in touch at all. I didn't say it was justified I said I learned my lesson which is exactly the opposite of justified.

I'm not sure why you're trying to make me out to be some kind of a psycho I've said I was too recently out of a relationship and wasn't ready and I know myself I avoided dealing with break up pain by over thinking stupid things that didn't matter. People do silly things after a break up it doesn't make them bad people.

batmanrobin

OP, how long did he leave it to contact you after sex? I thought it was the next day, but in your most recent posts you say 3? Am I reading that right?

Either way, draw a line under it.

Big Bag of Chips

Messylady wrote: »

People do silly things after a break up it doesn't make them bad people.

Nor does it make the person they do silly things with/to bad people. Yet you felt entitled to call him a nasty piece of work?

As said, all sounds like crossed wires.

Messylady

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, how long did he leave it to contact you after sex? I thought it was the next day, but in your most recent posts you say 3? Am I reading that right?

Either way, draw a line under it.

I have, I'm happy to leave it as it is and I know I was completely crazy it's embarrassing now! But like I said people do silly things after a break up.

He texted me a couple of hours after leaving saying he'd arrived at x, so yes he did get in touch once and then nothing which has never happened. Then any further contact was replies to me, none was instigated by him at all. Again that's never happened 90% of contact is him it was once a day not loads either.
Of course he could have been genuinely busy and then been annoyed or he could have been embarrassed or a million other things. He did show up with a lovebite which didn't really help when I wondered why the sudden no contact.

Im generally more together than this and this man has known me a while and didn't have any problems so I think maybe I described myself badly on here.

BBOC your opinion is valid however I've already said I was wrong. The lovebite threw me as it would throw most. Its all in the past.