My son

LegacyUser · 23-01-2021 10:33am #1

I have a 22 year old son….great lad. I wasn’t in his life growing up. I left before he was born. I didn’t support him even when things were good for me and bad for them. I said if his mother wanted a baby it was her problem. I know they suffered a lot of hardship while my life was good. He reached out to me 2 years ago said he wanted to get to know me. No anger or judgement. It was great. His mother encouraged the relationship and said what happened is in the past. I know I don’t deserve this.
I haven’t seen him since the lockdowns but we stayed in touch on the phone. Things were good. We were planning a holiday. I told a work mate, more a friend, about him at Christmas. He was shocked I never mentioned him before. I told him the story. He was angry with me, said I let the boy down. I did. I wasn’t there. I should have been there but I had too much living to do. It’s no excuse. At 22 what is the point now, he has his mam. She got married recently. He has a dad. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas. Workmate says I should be ashamed of myself letting him down again. I let him down since day one can’t let him down again but I never asked for him to come back. I’m angry he did, angry he turned out so well, angry he’s not more angry with me, angry at his mam for not being angry.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m not cut out for this.

Uptheduff · 23-01-2021 12:48pm

If I'm reading right, you were enjoying developing a relationship with your son until your friend expressed his disgust at you abandoning him? For the record, I agree with your friend but that's not really going to help you.

Being angry with your son for turning out well is a fairly odious sentiment. His mum is right though, your behaviour in the past left a lot to desire but your son wants to know you now. He's willing to forgive you, the least you can do is forgive yourself and try to be there for him now.

At 22, he's not looking for a dad, he's looking to know you as a person.

Jequ0n · 23-01-2021 12:49pm

Your friend is a dick.
Not sure why he feels so affronted that you hadn’t told him, it’s hardly any of his business.
You were fine with the renewed contact before your friend started the guilt trip and now you are freaking out about disappointing again?

I can’t see why you would have to feel guilty. He doesn’t seem resentful, so just move on and give it a go if that’s what you want. Feeling guilty will just make you an easy target for so many things ..

Mystery Egg · 23-01-2021 1:33pm

It sounds like you are grieving.

Don't take your grief out on your son.

Everything your friend said to you is right but you've come up with the wrong conclusions.

Do the right thing now. It's not too late. You are lucky and blessed. Call your son today.

qwerty13 · 23-01-2021 3:57pm

In my opinion (which is harsh) you are abandoning him a second time so that you don’t have deal with your guilt for abandoning him the first time.

The young man (and his mother) are being amazingly generous towards you. Can you not get over your own hang ups to behave decently as they are?

Would you consider speaking to a professional about your anger?

HildaOgdenx · 23-01-2021 4:30pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

In my opinion (which is harsh) you are abandoning him a second time so that you don’t have deal with your guilt for abandoning him the first time.

The young man (and his mother) are being amazingly generous towards you. Can you not get over your own hang ups to behave decently as they are?

Would you consider speaking to a professional about your anger?

Similar thoughts to this, really.
It's not an easy situation, but is there a danger that you are allowing what your friend said to give you an 'out' again?
The one who has the most right to be angry at this, is not your friend, it's your son, and his mother. But instead they are opening a door for you, to have a relationship with your son.

Your son and his mother are not deserving of your anger. You really need to get that safely out of your system. I would recommend talking to a professional about the situation.

Sandor Clegane · 23-01-2021 5:05pm

What happened in the past happened, that cant be changed, all you can do now is start from where you are now.

Don't let your friends opinion of what happened put you off, when you confide in someone you let yourself open to there opinions, some people can't get enough of lecturing others and passing judgement.

bertiebomber · 23-01-2021 5:17pm

Opinions are like arseholes everyone has one. Your friend was out of order reprimanding you , you know you were wrong and despite you a good person evolved ( largely thanks to his mother who did not give him any bitterness towards you, what a lady !) and he is so forgiving he wants to know you . Grow a pair and get to know your son, family bonds are stronger than friendships. That male friend is a judgemental prick, lose him, grow with your son.

wildwillow · 23-01-2021 9:48pm

Please don't abandon your son again, especially in these difficult times. Be proud of his mother and him. You had no influence on his growing up but, as he reached out to you now, you owe him your interest and friendship.

Ignore your friend and enjoy having your son in your life.

Forgive your young immature self, but those excuses are long gone.

Rubberchikken · 23-01-2021 9:52pm

Your friend was kind of right in that yes you did behave badly at the start but you’ve more than made up for it and sound like you have a great relationship with your son and a good relationship with your former partner. That’s what you need to focus on now.

Keep in touch with your son. It’s a priceless relationship and one you and he can have all your life. The connection with your friend...not so much.

heretothere · 24-01-2021 2:47am

If he wants to know you take it!

SusieBlue · 24-01-2021 3:48am

Please don’t abandon your son again, he doesn’t deserve it. Put building a relationship with him before your guilt and frustration at how you behaved in the past.

Your friend was out of order for confronting you, though technically right in what they said. The truth hurts and hearing that someone thinks poorly of your actions is never nice, but you should use this as inspiration to be an even better father to your son.
The father he deserves.

Lastly, you should be delighted and thankful that he has turned out so well. Count your blessings and don’t lose your son for a second time, because you won’t get a third chance with him.
Think of how confused and upset he must be that you haven’t contacted him since Christmas, the poor thing.
It’s make or break now, so it’s time to swallow your guilt and step up. This could be your last chance and you are throwing it away, and your future self isn’t going to thank you for it.

Yellow pack crisps · 24-01-2021 9:37am

You have a second chance. You are incredibly lucky. Your son can have two dads. You can make up for not being there. Don’t let this opportunity slip away, you will regret it more than the first time. Relationships are like blocks that build a house, one at a time, slowly, structured and securely fitted as so one day you can trust it not to fall down. The son and the mother seem like hugely decent, positive and extraordinarily kind to want to get your son to know you. The past can be Mended with trust and kindness. Get to know your son. He can be a positive person in your life and you can be one in his. You seem 40 or so! You have loads of time.

Dark Phoenix · 24-01-2021 9:42am

You feel guilty. You should feel guilty. Fair play to you for acknowledging your past failings and not making excuses for yourself.
You have a what sounds like a wonderful son and a very understanding ex. You have a chance to have a future with your son. It’s daunting though as part of you is afraid you will fail again. You have a prick of a friend and are in danger of allowing this friend to give you the excuse of failing now - don’t do this. This man is 22 and needs his father - he reached out to you - can you imagine how hard that was for him? Do everything now that you can to have a relationship and to give him what he needs. Just because he is over 18 doesn’t mean he doesn’t need your care and support. Your friend clearly has issues - don’t let his attitude and behaviour influence yours. People can change and you have every opportunity now to be a good person and father - don’t waste it. While you can’t go on holidays - communicate as much as you can

ILoveYourVibes · 24-01-2021 11:32am

notagooddad wrote: »

I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m not cut out for this.

You are going to have to build up your emotional resources, wisdom and maturity so that you are cut out for it.

Guilt and shame are not really useful emotions ....

They don't DO anything.

IMO op it sounds like you might be missing a lot of emotional coping skills and intelligence.

Also you don't need to tell the whole world your business. Hey i have a son. Don't tell them the whole history ...

First lesson ...figure out how you are going to deal with the friend...

Don't run from it.

You are stronger than you think. You are not going to suddenly melt away or anything etc.

Be honest with yourself ...but also focus on the FUTURE ..not on the past.

Be honest with yourself ...but be kind to yourself ....and see the best of the situation.

Your friend is judging you ...on the worst of you ....not the best of you. So don't let it shape your view of yourself.

It doesn't matter what the friend thinks btw ...or anyone ....just your son really...right?

And you have to give him room for any complicated feelings. But that is all that matters. That connection.

In fact ..i mean its about you ...but like its not WHOLLY about you and what people think of you.

I believe in you. I believe in the best of you.

LegacyUser · 24-01-2021 1:14pm

I contacted him last night and we talked. I will stay in touch. I spoke to my mate and he asked if I would have looked for my son if he hadn’t found me and I said no. I’ve been thinking about that all night. He looked for me. I never gave him or his mother a thought over these years or maybe I did and I just didn’t care. I see myself as an older brother to him but that’s it. I don’t want to be his dad. When I said I felt angry I am not able for his attitude. His mother wanted to meet me but I said no. She wrote me a lovely letter. We still haven’t met. They should be mad at me but they are not. I know his past and it was very hard and I could have put my hand in my pocket to help but I didn’t even though I was doing very well. I don’t know why I did that. He knows this but has never mentioned it. I think I thought if he ever contacted me that he would be a thug and I would not want to know him but he’s a great lad. He’s never asked for anything but time. I’m proud of him but don’t have a right to be. I didn’t make him that way My mate says now I am finally having to face up to my actions the guilt is coming, he says I could ignore it before. Maybe he’s right. Me and the lad are in contact for now so I will see how it goes.

Oink · 24-01-2021 1:33pm

Your son wants to get to know you, instead of pushing you away.His mother is supportive, instead of telling you to go away. They are both willing to look to the future.

So face up to the past, own up to it. But don’t let it eat you up and spoil the chance that your son is giving you. What’s the use of that?

Be the best dad you can be NOW, it matters more than what you did before.

Your friend is out of line.

Funk It · 24-01-2021 1:34pm

Great to hear you are back in touch, and hope everything goes well for you all from here.

bitofabind · 24-01-2021 1:45pm

You’ve suppressed the guilt and shame of ignoring your son and not being a father to him for the past 22 years. Now he’s walked into your life it’s unavoidable and has to be faced. But this time instead of processing it, you’re projecting anger onto your son & his mother for being far braver, generous and vulnerable than you’ve ever been able to be.

Anger is the easiest emotion to access. Guilt, shame and regret, not so much. But they are just feelings and they won’t kill you. Feelings can be dealt with and processed. Find a therapist and start doing that work. It’s clear that your son wanting you in his life in some way is something you have to honour to be a person who can look at himself in the mirror and not run from his duties for the rest of your days. Start therapy and start showing up for him. Uncomfortable feelings are not excuses for not doing the right thing anymore.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-01-2021 2:31pm

When I read your post yesterday one of the first things I thought was - would he have been happy if he found out the son was dragged up and was a bit of a layabout thug.

And you answered that this morning.

I think the fact that he is a nice lad, well brought up, turned out to be a fine young man with a positive attitude to life and a mother who clearly has shaped him into that bothers you. When you turned your back you expected them to fail. And then you could have also looked at them and felt you did right because you were never going to be able to change the inevitable 'dragged up young lad with a bitter single mother'.

But now you realise that the single mother, like very very many single parents who are left with little choice but continue on actually thrived without you. They didn't need you. She didn't need you. It would of course have been better if you could have stuck around and been a positive influence in your son's life, but if you knew you were unlikely to be that (and it sounds like you couldn't have been) then the best option for everyone was to have you out of the picture and let the mother work with the knowledge she was alone in this, rather than having you on the sidelines but not ever being properly involved.

Your ego is bruised now because you thought they would struggle and fail. You admit that you knew they could have done with financial support but you never gave it. In the end, she didn't need it. It obviously would have helped, but she got by and she raised what sounds like a lovely kind and generous young man.

I think all the feelings you have now are to be expected. At least you have the decency to acknowledge you are inadequate as a father. You are ashamed, guilty and angry at being shown up for your failings and obviously the easy targets are the ones who have succeed in life and who actually (without meaning to) highlight all those failings in you simply by not being like you.

You mentioned feeling like an older brother rather than a father, but even older brothers feel they have seniority over younger brothers and more life experiences. They often feel the younger siblings are "beneath" them a bit and that if anyone is going to learn from anyone else it should be the younger sibling looking up to the older sibling.

In your case however I think you are finding that it is actually YOU who would benefit from learning from these 2 people you have ignored and looked down on for all these years. You who should look up to your son and want to be more like him. Not the other way around.

I think it would have been easier for you if your son was a, thug. That way you wouldn't feel all this guilt for having nothing to do with him. It's an uncomfortable places to be in and one that makes you feel awkward. But it is the place you are in now. Your son doesn't want your money. Your ex doesn't want you coming in and playing the role of "Daddy". None of them need that. But.. It would be nice for your son to have a relationship with you. Even if it's only superficial. He doesn't need you coming in offering fatherly advice and guidance. He's doing OK without that. But just knowing you. Knowing a bit about your life now is what he's looking for. I think that's the very least you owe him at this stage.

Good luck with it. The easy thing to do is turn your back. You've done it before without a second thought. Try the tougher path this time. It won't be easy, but you might find that it helps you to eventually feel better about yourself.

Sonic the Shaghog · 24-01-2021 2:52pm

To be honest one thing I'll say is if you do eventually realize you're not bothered with him I would disagree with the posters saying you can't abandon him again and need to be there for him.

It will be far more damaging for him trying to maintain a relationship with someone that can't be arsed with him.

Take your time, baby steps, just chat with him, but like refusing to meet his mother, don't get massively involved until you know your own mind.

I'd agree with engaging with a therapist or counselor. See is it the guilt that's making you put up a wall or do you genuinely not want to be bothered.

It's nice and all to say step up or get some counseling and all will work out but unfortunately sometimes we are just selfish and as I said if you realize you just have no interest it might do him and in turn his family more harm than good.

Gruffalux · 24-01-2021 3:42pm

This story is very sad because of some of the things you have said about the boy. Makes me sad for him. Angry that he turned out well - that part especially. I just cannot understand that.

Thing about children is they will often love their parent more than they deserve simply because they have an archetypal place in their being. Your son loves you. Just because you are his father.

I do know a man who was careless about his son. The son kept reaching out. For years. The father often would not respond. It was cruel. The son inherited a lot of money and suddenly the father was in regular contact. But the son loves his Dad and does not pin bad motive on him. That is the heart breaking goodness in the boy. These are the everyday tragedies.

At the end of your life this offer of contact and interest and affection may be the best thing that ever happened all your days. To have another human being feel real love for one is rare enough. Someone who actually cares especially about you from all the teeming millions.

Other than that I agree with Bag of Chips advice.

ManOfMystery · 25-01-2021 1:32pm

What is it you want out of this situation?

You said you spoke to him last night, but you see yourself like an older brother and don't want to be his Dad. And you have feelings of anger.

You are his biological father, like it or not. And despite the years of abandonment he had (I don't use that word to be harsh, but let's be honest, that's what it was) he seems to harbour no ill-will and has reached out to you. I think at this point it's only fair that you be clear in your motives going forward. He's had a lot to deal with, and it would be cruel if you went into this half-hearted or with a chance that you might just decide weeks or months down the line that late fatherhood isn't for you either.

I doubt very much that he is looking for a 'brother'. But he probably wants to find out who his father is, what his father is like and so on - because let's face it, we all want to know where we come from. Not in a geographical sense, but in a sense of family and bloodlines. And because most of us who grew up in unbroken families take that knowledge quite for granted , it's hard sometimes to appreciate the the hole that can be left in the life of those who have a parent (or parents) that decide to step away from them before they're even old enough to know them.

I would caution that you think very hard & carefully about this - life is short, and you have a golden opportunity now to build something of a relationship with your son that may not come around again. There is no point deciding to do this when you're an old man and perhaps not as concerned about your freedoms & lifestyle, and he's moved on with his life by that point. There is a lot of good that could come out of this, for both of you. The fact that he seems to be a well adjusted young man with no inherent bitterness towards you is a huge bonus that many men in your position would not get to enjoy.

mikep · 25-01-2021 1:47pm

notagooddad wrote: »

I let him down since day one can’t let him down again but I never asked for him to come back. I’m angry he did, angry he turned out so well, angry he’s not more angry with me, angry at his mam for not being angry.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m not cut out for this.

Looking at this I think you should go talk to a counsellor and maybe tell your son you are doing so to help deal with all this..

From what you have said about your son and his mother, they seem keen and open to having you involved so go for it but get help if you need it...

Best of luck!

sporina · 28-01-2021 1:27am

sounds like its your feelings your scared of.. as others have said, maybe you should talk to a professional...

your Son wants to get to know you... he came looking for you.. he's obv not looking for your money - and he obv has no anger towards you...

you wer happy to meet him till your mate brought up those feelings of guilt in you - well they are there now - go work on them - you might regret it if you don't..

look at it this way - you let your son down once - don't do it again...

wondering if this is related to your relationship wit your own father? you don't have to answer to that here - maybe think about it.. but this is all v heavy stuff.. you should get some help with it - but i hope you do it - twud be worth is.. imagine, if your Son gets married.. has kids - wudn't you wanna know your grankids? you don't wanna die regretting this.. go for it... you came on here for a reason.. and that took courage... you have the courage to do the right thing..

i wish you the very best of luck x

Purple Mountain · 29-01-2021 12:38am

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

To be honest one thing I'll say is if you do eventually realize you're not bothered with him I would disagree with the posters saying you can't abandon him again and need to be there for him.

It will be far more damaging for him trying to maintain a relationship with someone that can't be arsed with him.

Take your time, baby steps, just chat with him, but like refusing to meet his mother, don't get massively involved until you know your own mind.

This 100%.

Zebrag · 29-01-2021 9:26am

notagooddad wrote: »

I have a 22 year old son….great lad. I wasn’t in his life growing up. I left before he was born. I didn’t support him even when things were good for me and bad for them. I said if his mother wanted a baby it was her problem. I know they suffered a lot of hardship while my life was good. He reached out to me 2 years ago said he wanted to get to know me. No anger or judgement. It was great. His mother encouraged the relationship and said what happened is in the past. I know I don’t deserve this.
I haven’t seen him since the lockdowns but we stayed in touch on the phone. Things were good. We were planning a holiday. I told a work mate, more a friend, about him at Christmas. He was shocked I never mentioned him before. I told him the story. He was angry with me, said I let the boy down. I did. I wasn’t there. I should have been there but I had too much living to do. It’s no excuse. At 22 what is the point now, he has his mam. She got married recently. He has a dad. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas. Workmate says I should be ashamed of myself letting him down again. I let him down since day one can’t let him down again but I never asked for him to come back. I’m angry he did, angry he turned out so well, angry he’s not more angry with me, angry at his mam for not being angry.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m not cut out for this.

My "father" did this with me. Kept in contact. Didn't tell many people about me and then waddled in and out because some days he was in the humour for being a parent and other days he wasn't bothered. This messed me up. It's the rejection moreso than the actual father figure. It's the not knowing when he's going to bother and whether I should continue. In the end I was the one that stopped speaking to him and he kept trying to come back with his tails between his legs.
I haven't spoken to him in over 7 years and I refuse to allow him to decided when HE can speak to me. He choose to not be there when I was growing up and when he decided I was old enough and he doesn't have any responsibilities, he gave me a sorry story and how it was everyone else's fault.
No.
Your son will eventually stop caring about you and what you do. I don't say this easily but he will eventually realise that this relationship you have, if that's what you want to call it, is simply a nothing relationship.
Your issue doesn't lie with your son or his mother. Your issue lies with the fact that you can't be consistent and you refuse to allow a relationship to develop. Would it be jealousy that you choose not to be involved in his life growing up? Would it be possible that when he was first born you decided you didn't want the responsibility?
Those are the questions and answers you have for yourself but regardless of how well off or down the dumps you were, non of this is your sons problems or issues and any anger you have towards yourself shouldn't be directed at the fact that you can't keep a consistent relationship with your son.

You had too much living to do? Well off you go and keep living without your son so. He has his mother who has brought him up and fair play to her. Like you said, his mother has married and he's got a father figure.
If you can't be consistent then don't bother
This problem lies with you and doesn't lie with a son who wanted to know who his father is. You're making excuses. Stop. You're a grown man who clearly had a life to live and so did your son. Accept what has happened and move on with your son or wallow. It's up to you but the worst thing you can do is ignore your own child because your ego won't allow you to accept the fact that his life has been carried on without, regardless if it was good or not
This is my from experience and I express greatly that you're doing no one any favours.

karlitob · 29-01-2021 9:18pm

notagooddad wrote: »

I have a 22 year old son….great lad. I wasn’t in his life growing up. I left before he was born. I didn’t support him even when things were good for me and bad for them. I said if his mother wanted a baby it was her problem. I know they suffered a lot of hardship while my life was good. He reached out to me 2 years ago said he wanted to get to know me. No anger or judgement. It was great. His mother encouraged the relationship and said what happened is in the past. I know I don’t deserve this.
I haven’t seen him since the lockdowns but we stayed in touch on the phone. Things were good. We were planning a holiday. I told a work mate, more a friend, about him at Christmas. He was shocked I never mentioned him before. I told him the story. He was angry with me, said I let the boy down. I did. I wasn’t there. I should have been there but I had too much living to do. It’s no excuse. At 22 what is the point now, he has his mam. She got married recently. He has a dad. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas. Workmate says I should be ashamed of myself letting him down again. I let him down since day one can’t let him down again but I never asked for him to come back. I’m angry he did, angry he turned out so well, angry he’s not more angry with me, angry at his mam for not being angry.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m not cut out for this.

Tell your work mate to shag off, that it’s none of his business, and you don’t know need to be any sort of moral adjudicator of you.

Speak to your son and ask him what sort of relationship he would like with you AT THE MOMENT. Things can and will change. He’ll likely get a job and a partner and kids etc. so he might not have as much time in the future or he might want to have a different relationship with you. Or none at all. The figure out what sort of relationship you want with him - that’s not easy to figure out.

Stay in the now, enjoy your time with him and be thankful that you have the opportunity.

pwurple · 30-01-2021 8:14am

Good for you keeping in touch.

Keep talking to your work buddy about it too. Seems to have a decent moral compass at least.

LegacyUser · 30-01-2021 10:09am

The friend at work is a long time friend. My closest friend. I know him over 15 years and I trust him to give it to me straight. He is just saying what he thinks. He is saying what everyone will think. I have told my son to give me some space for next few weeks. I need to think about this some more. I will be judged by everyone who knows me for what I did. My own family do not even know about the boy or my other friends. Everyone will think I am the bad guy and I am not able for that. I have a good life and when things are normal I am able to travel and spend time on leisure activities and that will be difficult now that he might expect me to stick around here or bring him with me. He is in college and has plans to study abroad and I feel that might mean he expects me to pay some of that. His mother is not rich and will struggle so it will fall to me to step in. I know how this goes. I sometimes wish he had never contacted me and I am thinking that more and more over the last few weeks. I like the lad but I am not able to be who he wants me to be.

BnB · 30-01-2021 10:43am

notagooddad wrote: »

The friend at work is a long time friend. My closest friend. I know him over 15 years and I trust him to give it to me straight. He is just saying what he thinks. He is saying what everyone will think. I have told my son to give me some space for next few weeks. I need to think about this some more. I will be judged by everyone who knows me for what I did. My own family do not even know about the boy or my other friends. Everyone will think I am the bad guy and I am not able for that. I have a good life and when things are normal I am able to travel and spend time on leisure activities and that will be difficult now that he might expect me to stick around here or bring him with me. He is in college and has plans to study abroad and I feel that might mean he expects me to pay some of that. His mother is not rich and will struggle so it will fall to me to step in. I know how this goes. I sometimes wish he had never contacted me and I am thinking that more and more over the last few weeks. I like the lad but I am not able to be who he wants me to be.

Send your son a link to this post and that will solve your problem.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-01-2021 11:06am

OP, I know you are admitting that you are "notagooddad" but that last post has to be the most selfish thing I have ever read in all my time in Personal Issues.

In my last reply to you, I encouraged you to continue a relationship with your son, that in time it might actually be really good for you. Reading that last reply I ask that you walk away now and tell him and his mother to never contact you again.

Your bitterness and resentment of their mere existence is astounding. And that attitude will definitely come across in person. You don't want a relationship with him. You don't want your family and friends to know about him (purely because of how it will make you look). You don't want him expecting or asking you for financial assistance even though being able to provide it isn't as issue.

All your reasons for not wanting a relationship are completely selfish and self-absorbed, and I'm sorry to say that's not the sort of attitude you need to bring to a parent-child relationship. Even if you never say it out loud, it will be felt.

Your son doesn't need a dad. He's managed 20+ years without one. He doesn't need your money. His plans to study abroad aren't dependent on you funding it. I would say do the decent thing now and be honest with your son about your absolute failings and disinterest in playing any role in his life. He probably has a fair idea anyway.

rapul · 30-01-2021 11:11am

Great post above, leave him alone before you bring him down to your level, shambles of a father let alone a person.

Zebrag · 30-01-2021 11:17am

notagooddad wrote: »

The friend at work is a long time friend. My closest friend. I know him over 15 years and I trust him to give it to me straight. He is just saying what he thinks. He is saying what everyone will think. I have told my son to give me some space for next few weeks. I need to think about this some more. I will be judged by everyone who knows me for what I did. My own family do not even know about the boy or my other friends. Everyone will think I am the bad guy and I am not able for that. I have a good life and when things are normal I am able to travel and spend time on leisure activities and that will be difficult now that he might expect me to stick around here or bring him with me. He is in college and has plans to study abroad and I feel that might mean he expects me to pay some of that. His mother is not rich and will struggle so it will fall to me to step in. I know how this goes. I sometimes wish he had never contacted me and I am thinking that more and more over the last few weeks. I like the lad but I am not able to be who he wants me to be.

Jesus christ.

You're a disgrace and I hope your son never has to see this side of you. Either you're a troll or you are genuinely that self centered and horrible.
Do himself the favour and delete all contact with him. He didn't deserve to listen to you. It doesn't matter what excuses you have, your son is still a person and obviously sounds like a good lad who just what's to know who is father is. I hope he never has to find out and can just live in hope that his dad was somehow, somewhere, decent and isn't as self centered as he's making himself to be online.
It angers me to think that a grown man can honestly think a child no matter what age, can be thrown to the side and the fact that you're admitting this shows you've no compassion or empathy at all.

I'm done with this thread. This one has been the most heart breaking and gutt wrenching threads I've ever read

ManOfMystery · 30-01-2021 11:29am

I'm not remotely religious, but part of my son's home schooling packs over the last couple of weeks have (obviously) included Religious Education. I was going through a sheet with him yesterday and it had illustrations of people in various scenarios; someone pulling someone's hair, someone sharing their food with someone, someone shouting at another person, someone fallen on the ground while another person helped them up.

Beside each illustration the child was expected to write if the subject in the picture was making a good choice, or a bad choice.

Of course its a very simplistic representation of the struggles that we will all face in life, but by the end of the exercise I can't help admitting that it made me think about my own life and good choices/bad choices I'd made. And how we often make things overly complex, or talk about things not being black and white but having shades of grey, and so on.

But fundamentally, it always boils down to making a choice. It might be difficult, it might be emotional, but it's a choice.

You had a choice once to be involved in your son's life, but decided not to and cut him adrift. You're now at a junction in your life where you (against all odds) have been graciously offered this choice again. Unfortunately, by the sounds of your last post, your priorities and concerns do not include your son - it's more about your image, your lifestyle, your finances. In short, it's all about you, even though your son hasn't yet indicated he's asking for anything other than your time.

If that's who you want to be, it's your choice. But you're taking a very narrow minded view of things here and considering only the negative impact of his presence in your life. Have you thought about the positives that he could bring? How building a relationship with him could enrich your life immeasurably? When I was in my 20s I couldn't fathom every having a family - all I wanted was independence, no responsibilities, to drink and holiday when I like and so on. And when my son came along, suddenly all of that became unimportant. Sometimes we can choose to be a better, less selfish person, and you can't buy that kind of character development anywhere in the world.

Finally, all I would add is that you need to consider this very carefully as I doubt your son will come back in another 20 years and extend this olive branch again. As a lot of people get older, things like lifestyle and holidays can take a back seat, whilst relationships and not being alone become the focus.

We can all be better humans, if we only make the effort to change.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-01-2021 11:52am

OP, There's something about your last post that doesn't ring true for me. I can't help but think that maybe you are the mother in this scenario and trying to make sense of the situation you find yourself in since your son has made contact with a father who is less than interested.

If that is the case, all you can do is be there for your son when this inevitably goes wrong. His dad doesn't sound like he's all that interested, but it doesn't sound like you need him to be. Your son is a young adult now and you've been able to protect him from the uglier side of life until now, now he is making his own way and will have to find out some things for himself.

Don't try influence the relationship one way or another. Just be there, like you always have been. The father may float around in the background for the rest of your son's life, or he might disappear (although these days with so much of people's lives online, it's almost impossible for someone to disappear!). All you can do is let him live his life. Let him navigate life choices and situations. Life won't always be kind to him, but he'll learn to deal with that. And his way of handling a situation mightn't be your way. But you have to let him go and become his own adult. Just be there. The one constant that won't let him down.

RurtBeynolds · 30-01-2021 12:02pm

Your son would be better off without. You sound absolutely toxic.

LegacyUser · 30-01-2021 12:29pm

I am not the mother. I know I am toxic. I never wanted to be a dad. That is why I left. I never expected to see him. I never thought about him until he came knocking on my door. He is a nice kid and I like him but I don't know if I can be who he wants me to be. I am confused if I should just go and not be a part of his life or say to him we can stay in touch but this is how it will be. He hasn't asked me for any money but talks a lot about doing a course abroad and I think I will be expected to cover that. I should but I don't want to and have a lot of resentment about how I might now be expected to do it to make up for the past. He talks about me meeting his mam. I don't want to meet his mam. He talks about birthdays as if I will be there with his parents and I don't want that. I can't give him that. If I was a good dad I would gladly put my hand in my pocket and want to be included in his life but I don't want to and that confuses me. I am confused about telling my family about him because he wants to meet my parents and sisters and their familys. They will be angry with me. He is a grown man but I feel completely out of my depth. I don't know how to be a parent or how to be what he wants me to be.

LegacyUser · 30-01-2021 12:34pm

Man of Mystery you wrote something that I will be thinking about for some time. The positives. We have only met in person 7 times but it has always been good. I come away with a positive feeling. Yes I am selfish I have never had to think about anyone but me. I'm not good with emotions and am scared about letting someone into my life even if that person is my own son. I will think about what you have written some more. Thank you for that perspective.

MissShihTzu · 30-01-2021 12:46pm

Your own family don't know about the boy?? That's seriously messed up!

What if he decided off the bat to ask about or better yet contact and visit them? You're REALLY going to look like a PoS then...

If you're for real and not trolling, give it to the poor boy straight. You're NOT a good Dad. You're a useless one. A liar, a cheat, a fool and worst of all? A coward. Tell the boy and his Mum not to contact you any more. Don't put them through any more of this mess, which was not of their making. And you'd better hope that you never get sick and need to ask that boy for a glass of water. Being the sweet boy he sounds like, he might give it to you, but God knows you don't deserve it!

wildwillow · 30-01-2021 12:46pm

I will presume the facts as stated are true.

I think you are exceptional in understanding yourself and realising that you are indeed a selfish person.

You had nothing to do with your son and didn't miss the potential relationship.

Your only emotions are anger, jealousy and fear of having to give some support, even though it has never been requested.

I thought at first that a connection might develop and benefit both you and your son. Now I think you are just too selfish and self absorbed to have any emotional attachments. The word "love" isn't part of your vocabulary.

Problem is that now your son is likely to be hurt by your rejection. I don't think you can change and feel sorry for you. Such a pity that you fathered a child.

Hannibal_Smith · 30-01-2021 1:05pm

How do you know what the son is after? Maybe he's happy just tipping along. If he wants to study abroad, surely him moving out of the country takes away the possibility of meeting your family or friends, or being around for birthdays either just for now or indefinitely? Not in anyway suggesting you should continue with hiding him BTW.

You're basing everything on assumptions. Maybe the last thing either the mother or son want is to ask you at this stage for money? He's a grown adult. They've coped before, they'll cope again. It doesnt sound as if theyre using you for your money.

If you don't want to be a dad, whats stopping you from walking away? Why the pause? Would you like to stay in his life as a buddy? If so, the guy needs to know because otherwise you're making a fool out of him.

eviltwin · 30-01-2021 1:07pm

I don't understand what you are afraid of. You say he might want money and let's assume he does - what of it? No one will expect you to bankrupt yourself but if he needs money for his education why not just give him what you can afford.

Your family probably will be shocked but sure you can't change the past now. I think you need to be honest and just tell them, take their anger and hopefully that will be replaced by the desire to meet your son. You don't have to meet his mother if you don't want to, just be honest with him too and tell him its not something you can do right now.

Your son is an adult and I'm sure over the years he has thought about meeting you and the possibility you might not want to know him so if you do decide not to stay in touch tell him sooner than later so you don't hurt him but don't let how you were in the past affect who you will be going forward, you seem to have found some common ground with him and have gotten to this point that you are still in touch and seem to be on good terms....use that, focus on that. Tell him you are scared, he's not a kid, he can handle it. He might just be able to help you through it. Everything else is just a blip that you both can overcome.

Jequ0n · 30-01-2021 1:10pm

OP, no need to apologise or justify your thoughts/ priorities to others.
You won't get another chance but as you said: you never wanted to be a dad in the first place so there is no need to embrace it now just because the world expects you to if you know that you will let him down.

I'm a cynic and would likewise be wondering why the contact had suddenly been sought.

Keep in mind that you can't undo what you are doing now, so best of luck

sporina · 30-01-2021 1:41pm

OP... I really think at this stage you should just tell your son that you aren't able to be in his life... I am scared that you will do him more harm than good.
I think, the best thing you can do for him is walk away - but tell him that its not about him - its you...
He sounds like a great lad and his Mum has obviously done well raising him.
It will be better for you too - let you enjoy your life as you choose.
Its a shame but I am thinking of your son - a half arsed effort would be worse than none. I think you will sorely regret it in the future when your older etc.. but my biggest concern here is your son and his welfare.

Caranica · 30-01-2021 1:46pm

Your friends and family won't be shocked or scandalised, they'll be horrified and embarrassed that someone close to them could be so utterly heartless and selfish. OP your posts here are cruel, disturbing and as others have said, the most heartbreaking of any I've ever read on these forums.

I'm not sure what you're hoping for by posting on here, you're not getting validation if that's what you expected. I think you need to see a counsellor, the anger and rage and selfishness is not healthy, or normal.

You are a father but by the sound of it you will never be a Dad. A Dad suggests connection, compassion, love. You exhibit none of these. You say you didn't want to be a father, yet unless it was a contraception fail, you played a big part in this child being born, you chose that, and then ran away.

This boy's life would be so much better without you in it. But I think your friends and family deserve to know the real, heartless you. You tell them, or maybe some day your son will. He found you, he can find them. I hope he does.

Akesh · 30-01-2021 1:52pm

Stop being a coward and step up to your responsibilities. This is the most pathetic thread I've ever read. What advice do you need? You abandoned your son and now you're contemplating doing the same again. He's better off without you.

Plenty of fathers around the country spend years in court to see their kids and there is you swanning around like a big man with not a care in the world because you're too pathetic to face up to your responsibilities.

cannotlogin · 30-01-2021 1:53pm

Your son has managed very well without you all his life so believe me he doesn't needs you now. He may want to build a relationship with you but he doesn't need it, he's well able to manage on his own.

Whatever about you and what you do,do you not think it's extremely messed up that you've never told your parents and siblings. You've denied them all a relationship with him and vice versa. That's even more messed up.

Leroy42 · 30-01-2021 1:59pm

OP, are you're parents still alive? Do you have any sisters and brothers?

Do you not think your son has a right to know these people if they wish?

I get it, you couldn't deal with it when you were younger but you can now. It will be difficult but far from impossible.

You can only be the person you are, but even that is valuable to know for your son. By getting to know you he may realise how lucky he was and that you actually made the right choice.

He is reaching out to understand himself, it really has nothing to do with you. He wants to know the man that created him, your personality, traits, habits, interests etc. It might answer some questions.

Let's say he ask for money, what the worst that can happen? First, you do kind of owe him, but let's say you refuse. He will simply walk away no worse off then when he contacted you but at least he can draw a line off the unknown.

Maybe for once stop thinking about yourself and actually try to help somebody else.

Whatever problems you encounter, it is nothing compared to the issues your son and his mam faced the last 22 years when you took your choice.

El_Duderino 09 · 30-01-2021 2:01pm

OP simple question: do you want to be a dad to this young fella?

bilbot79 · 30-01-2021 2:03pm

Never look back. It's all good. Your friend can do one.

My son

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