My son

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you are admitting that you are "notagooddad" but that last post has to be the most selfish thing I have ever read in all my time in Personal Issues.

In my last reply to you, I encouraged you to continue a relationship with your son, that in time it might actually be really good for you. Reading that last reply I ask that you walk away now and tell him and his mother to never contact you again.

Your bitterness and resentment of their mere existence is astounding. And that attitude will definitely come across in person. You don't want a relationship with him. You don't want your family and friends to know about him (purely because of how it will make you look). You don't want him expecting or asking you for financial assistance even though being able to provide it isn't as issue.

All your reasons for not wanting a relationship are completely selfish and self-absorbed, and I'm sorry to say that's not the sort of attitude you need to bring to a parent-child relationship. Even if you never say it out loud, it will be felt.

Your son doesn't need a dad. He's managed 20+ years without one. He doesn't need your money. His plans to study abroad aren't dependent on you funding it. I would say do the decent thing now and be honest with your son about your absolute failings and disinterest in playing any role in his life. He probably has a fair idea anyway.

rapul

Great post above, leave him alone before you bring him down to your level, shambles of a father let alone a person.

Zebrag

notagooddad wrote: »

The friend at work is a long time friend. My closest friend. I know him over 15 years and I trust him to give it to me straight. He is just saying what he thinks. He is saying what everyone will think. I have told my son to give me some space for next few weeks. I need to think about this some more. I will be judged by everyone who knows me for what I did. My own family do not even know about the boy or my other friends. Everyone will think I am the bad guy and I am not able for that. I have a good life and when things are normal I am able to travel and spend time on leisure activities and that will be difficult now that he might expect me to stick around here or bring him with me. He is in college and has plans to study abroad and I feel that might mean he expects me to pay some of that. His mother is not rich and will struggle so it will fall to me to step in. I know how this goes. I sometimes wish he had never contacted me and I am thinking that more and more over the last few weeks. I like the lad but I am not able to be who he wants me to be.

Jesus christ.

You're a disgrace and I hope your son never has to see this side of you. Either you're a troll or you are genuinely that self centered and horrible.
Do himself the favour and delete all contact with him. He didn't deserve to listen to you. It doesn't matter what excuses you have, your son is still a person and obviously sounds like a good lad who just what's to know who is father is. I hope he never has to find out and can just live in hope that his dad was somehow, somewhere, decent and isn't as self centered as he's making himself to be online.
It angers me to think that a grown man can honestly think a child no matter what age, can be thrown to the side and the fact that you're admitting this shows you've no compassion or empathy at all.

I'm done with this thread. This one has been the most heart breaking and gutt wrenching threads I've ever read

ManOfMystery

I'm not remotely religious, but part of my son's home schooling packs over the last couple of weeks have (obviously) included Religious Education. I was going through a sheet with him yesterday and it had illustrations of people in various scenarios; someone pulling someone's hair, someone sharing their food with someone, someone shouting at another person, someone fallen on the ground while another person helped them up.

Beside each illustration the child was expected to write if the subject in the picture was making a good choice, or a bad choice.

Of course its a very simplistic representation of the struggles that we will all face in life, but by the end of the exercise I can't help admitting that it made me think about my own life and good choices/bad choices I'd made. And how we often make things overly complex, or talk about things not being black and white but having shades of grey, and so on.

But fundamentally, it always boils down to making a choice. It might be difficult, it might be emotional, but it's a choice.

You had a choice once to be involved in your son's life, but decided not to and cut him adrift. You're now at a junction in your life where you (against all odds) have been graciously offered this choice again. Unfortunately, by the sounds of your last post, your priorities and concerns do not include your son - it's more about your image, your lifestyle, your finances. In short, it's all about you, even though your son hasn't yet indicated he's asking for anything other than your time.

If that's who you want to be, it's your choice. But you're taking a very narrow minded view of things here and considering only the negative impact of his presence in your life. Have you thought about the positives that he could bring? How building a relationship with him could enrich your life immeasurably? When I was in my 20s I couldn't fathom every having a family - all I wanted was independence, no responsibilities, to drink and holiday when I like and so on. And when my son came along, suddenly all of that became unimportant. Sometimes we can choose to be a better, less selfish person, and you can't buy that kind of character development anywhere in the world.

Finally, all I would add is that you need to consider this very carefully as I doubt your son will come back in another 20 years and extend this olive branch again. As a lot of people get older, things like lifestyle and holidays can take a back seat, whilst relationships and not being alone become the focus.

We can all be better humans, if we only make the effort to change.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, There's something about your last post that doesn't ring true for me. I can't help but think that maybe you are the mother in this scenario and trying to make sense of the situation you find yourself in since your son has made contact with a father who is less than interested.

If that is the case, all you can do is be there for your son when this inevitably goes wrong. His dad doesn't sound like he's all that interested, but it doesn't sound like you need him to be. Your son is a young adult now and you've been able to protect him from the uglier side of life until now, now he is making his own way and will have to find out some things for himself.

Don't try influence the relationship one way or another. Just be there, like you always have been. The father may float around in the background for the rest of your son's life, or he might disappear (although these days with so much of people's lives online, it's almost impossible for someone to disappear!). All you can do is let him live his life. Let him navigate life choices and situations. Life won't always be kind to him, but he'll learn to deal with that. And his way of handling a situation mightn't be your way. But you have to let him go and become his own adult. Just be there. The one constant that won't let him down.

RurtBeynolds

Your son would be better off without. You sound absolutely toxic.

LegacyUser

I am not the mother. I know I am toxic. I never wanted to be a dad. That is why I left. I never expected to see him. I never thought about him until he came knocking on my door. He is a nice kid and I like him but I don't know if I can be who he wants me to be. I am confused if I should just go and not be a part of his life or say to him we can stay in touch but this is how it will be. He hasn't asked me for any money but talks a lot about doing a course abroad and I think I will be expected to cover that. I should but I don't want to and have a lot of resentment about how I might now be expected to do it to make up for the past. He talks about me meeting his mam. I don't want to meet his mam. He talks about birthdays as if I will be there with his parents and I don't want that. I can't give him that. If I was a good dad I would gladly put my hand in my pocket and want to be included in his life but I don't want to and that confuses me. I am confused about telling my family about him because he wants to meet my parents and sisters and their familys. They will be angry with me. He is a grown man but I feel completely out of my depth. I don't know how to be a parent or how to be what he wants me to be.

LegacyUser

Man of Mystery you wrote something that I will be thinking about for some time. The positives. We have only met in person 7 times but it has always been good. I come away with a positive feeling. Yes I am selfish I have never had to think about anyone but me. I'm not good with emotions and am scared about letting someone into my life even if that person is my own son. I will think about what you have written some more. Thank you for that perspective.

MissShihTzu

Your own family don't know about the boy?? That's seriously messed up!

What if he decided off the bat to ask about or better yet contact and visit them? You're REALLY going to look like a PoS then...

If you're for real and not trolling, give it to the poor boy straight. You're NOT a good Dad. You're a useless one. A liar, a cheat, a fool and worst of all? A coward. Tell the boy and his Mum not to contact you any more. Don't put them through any more of this mess, which was not of their making. And you'd better hope that you never get sick and need to ask that boy for a glass of water. Being the sweet boy he sounds like, he might give it to you, but God knows you don't deserve it!

wildwillow

I will presume the facts as stated are true.

I think you are exceptional in understanding yourself and realising that you are indeed a selfish person.

You had nothing to do with your son and didn't miss the potential relationship.

Your only emotions are anger, jealousy and fear of having to give some support, even though it has never been requested.

I thought at first that a connection might develop and benefit both you and your son. Now I think you are just too selfish and self absorbed to have any emotional attachments. The word "love" isn't part of your vocabulary.

Problem is that now your son is likely to be hurt by your rejection. I don't think you can change and feel sorry for you. Such a pity that you fathered a child.

Hannibal_Smith

How do you know what the son is after? Maybe he's happy just tipping along. If he wants to study abroad, surely him moving out of the country takes away the possibility of meeting your family or friends, or being around for birthdays either just for now or indefinitely? Not in anyway suggesting you should continue with hiding him BTW.

You're basing everything on assumptions. Maybe the last thing either the mother or son want is to ask you at this stage for money? He's a grown adult. They've coped before, they'll cope again. It doesnt sound as if theyre using you for your money.

If you don't want to be a dad, whats stopping you from walking away? Why the pause? Would you like to stay in his life as a buddy? If so, the guy needs to know because otherwise you're making a fool out of him.

eviltwin

I don't understand what you are afraid of. You say he might want money and let's assume he does - what of it? No one will expect you to bankrupt yourself but if he needs money for his education why not just give him what you can afford.

Your family probably will be shocked but sure you can't change the past now. I think you need to be honest and just tell them, take their anger and hopefully that will be replaced by the desire to meet your son. You don't have to meet his mother if you don't want to, just be honest with him too and tell him its not something you can do right now.

Your son is an adult and I'm sure over the years he has thought about meeting you and the possibility you might not want to know him so if you do decide not to stay in touch tell him sooner than later so you don't hurt him but don't let how you were in the past affect who you will be going forward, you seem to have found some common ground with him and have gotten to this point that you are still in touch and seem to be on good terms....use that, focus on that. Tell him you are scared, he's not a kid, he can handle it. He might just be able to help you through it. Everything else is just a blip that you both can overcome.

Jequ0n

OP, no need to apologise or justify your thoughts/ priorities to others.
You won't get another chance but as you said: you never wanted to be a dad in the first place so there is no need to embrace it now just because the world expects you to if you know that you will let him down.

I'm a cynic and would likewise be wondering why the contact had suddenly been sought.

Keep in mind that you can't undo what you are doing now, so best of luck

sporina

OP... I really think at this stage you should just tell your son that you aren't able to be in his life... I am scared that you will do him more harm than good.
I think, the best thing you can do for him is walk away - but tell him that its not about him - its you...
He sounds like a great lad and his Mum has obviously done well raising him.
It will be better for you too - let you enjoy your life as you choose.
Its a shame but I am thinking of your son - a half arsed effort would be worse than none. I think you will sorely regret it in the future when your older etc.. but my biggest concern here is your son and his welfare.

Caranica

Your friends and family won't be shocked or scandalised, they'll be horrified and embarrassed that someone close to them could be so utterly heartless and selfish. OP your posts here are cruel, disturbing and as others have said, the most heartbreaking of any I've ever read on these forums.

I'm not sure what you're hoping for by posting on here, you're not getting validation if that's what you expected. I think you need to see a counsellor, the anger and rage and selfishness is not healthy, or normal.

You are a father but by the sound of it you will never be a Dad. A Dad suggests connection, compassion, love. You exhibit none of these. You say you didn't want to be a father, yet unless it was a contraception fail, you played a big part in this child being born, you chose that, and then ran away.

This boy's life would be so much better without you in it. But I think your friends and family deserve to know the real, heartless you. You tell them, or maybe some day your son will. He found you, he can find them. I hope he does.

Akesh

Stop being a coward and step up to your responsibilities. This is the most pathetic thread I've ever read. What advice do you need? You abandoned your son and now you're contemplating doing the same again. He's better off without you.

Plenty of fathers around the country spend years in court to see their kids and there is you swanning around like a big man with not a care in the world because you're too pathetic to face up to your responsibilities.

cannotlogin

Your son has managed very well without you all his life so believe me he doesn't needs you now. He may want to build a relationship with you but he doesn't need it, he's well able to manage on his own.

Whatever about you and what you do,do you not think it's extremely messed up that you've never told your parents and siblings. You've denied them all a relationship with him and vice versa. That's even more messed up.

Leroy42

OP, are you're parents still alive? Do you have any sisters and brothers?

Do you not think your son has a right to know these people if they wish?

I get it, you couldn't deal with it when you were younger but you can now. It will be difficult but far from impossible.

You can only be the person you are, but even that is valuable to know for your son. By getting to know you he may realise how lucky he was and that you actually made the right choice.

He is reaching out to understand himself, it really has nothing to do with you. He wants to know the man that created him, your personality, traits, habits, interests etc. It might answer some questions.

Let's say he ask for money, what the worst that can happen? First, you do kind of owe him, but let's say you refuse. He will simply walk away no worse off then when he contacted you but at least he can draw a line off the unknown.

Maybe for once stop thinking about yourself and actually try to help somebody else.

Whatever problems you encounter, it is nothing compared to the issues your son and his mam faced the last 22 years when you took your choice.

El_Duderino 09

OP simple question: do you want to be a dad to this young fella?

bilbot79

Never look back. It's all good. Your friend can do one.

Dial Hard

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

OP simple question: do you want to be a dad to this young fella?

Have you read the thread??? OP has stated on several occasions that he has absolutely no interest in being a dad to his son.

An Ri rua

Leroy42 wrote: »

OP, are you're parents still alive? Do you have any sisters and brothers?

Do you not think your son has a right to know these people if they wish?

I get it, you couldn't deal with it when you were younger but you can now. It will be difficult but far from impossible.

You can only be the person you are, but even that is valuable to know for your son. By getting to know you he may realise how lucky he was and that you actually made the right choice.

He is reaching out to understand himself, it really has nothing to do with you. He wants to know the man that created him, your personality, traits, habits, interests etc. It might answer some questions.

Let's say he ask for money, what the worst that can happen? First, you do kind of owe him, but let's say you refuse. He will simply walk away no worse off then when he contacted you but at least he can draw a line off the unknown.

Maybe for once stop thinking about yourself and actually try to help somebody else.

Whatever problems you encounter, it is nothing compared to the issues your son and his mam faced the last 22 years when you took your choice.

This post is instructive.


Your son deserves to know the real you. And his ancestors. If the real you is an asshole, at least he knows.
I had written an angry judgemental post but deleted it.
Follow the above post please and, now that you've acknowledged that you have a conscience, go meet a counsellor and talk it through. They WON'T be judgemental. They'll allow you to confront yourself. You need to. And then make whatever decisions are needed.
You'll take a battering here if you stick the course. As some of your positions and assumptions are odious. But you're not alone. Many of your peers abandon parents and grandparents under the guise of oh I'm building my house or oh I've to bring the kids to after school activities for the f*ckin 4th time this week. And use Covid as cover now rather than being inventive. People are selfish, and prioritise, but don't admit it. And children trump parents too. So you're not a monster. Just very selfish from the time of his conception.
You by all means should feel your own personal pain, and demons (they're in there or you wouldn't have posted), and it's all yours so congratulations, but you shouldn't feel oppressed by others' judgements. If you do feel ashamed of what family will think, sure wake up man, what is that telling you??
Stand by your decisions. Live with them. If you can do that, you'll be ahead of many people who lead secret interior lives. In every family there is the one who cares for a parent or sibling, selflessly, and the many who simply f*cking don't. Because they have prioritised you see. But they'd love to help, really...
Be happy with your priorities Op. But go chat a counsellor and I wish you well from here. But your son the world of luck because he deserves it. Lucky you, having created a child. All I ever wanted, but it wasn't to be. If it's not for you, own that.

El_Duderino 09

Dial Hard wrote: »

Have you read the thread??? OP has stated on several occasions that he has absolutely no interest in being a dad to his son.

Yeah but it’s always couched in loads of other info. I think this is the crux of the whole thing and the answer to this single question should determine how the whole things goes ahead.

SusieBlue

Even if you cut him off now, which would probably be in his best interests at this stage, there will be nothing stopping him from contacting your parents/siblings to form a relationship with them down the line.

What right have you to deny him a relationship with his grandparents and aunties and uncles, or them him?
I would be absolutely appalled and disgusted if I found out one of my brothers had concealed a secret like this, denied his son and kept me from forming a relationship with him to boot.
What if they would like to know him and support him with his college fees? After all your wrong doing, why would you deny him that?

He is a living, breathing, decent person who has every right to find out where he came from.
You can’t continue living your life pretending he doesn’t exist and will just go away.
It’s bad enough that you’re denying him and shirking your responsibilities again for the most selfish and self absorbed reasons, but you’re denying him access to your family as well.
You seem to see him only through the prism of what effect he’ll have on your life, well it isn’t all about you.
He is entitled to know your family and there is nothing you can do to stop him coming forward in the future.
He won’t just cease to exist if you decide you can’t be arsed with him again.

So regardless of what choice you make as to whether to continue involvement in his life, either way you need to come clean to your family and own up to what you have done.
If they lose respect for you, are angry at you, and judge you for what you have done, you have absolutely no one to blame but yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

--Closed for Mod review--

OP, your post and replies have raised some questions. If you would like to continue receiving advice we ask that you contact one of the moderators here in confidence to discuss. A list of current moderators can be found at the bottom of the Forum.

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips.