Lonely, unlikeable, not much to look forward to

bitofabind · 13-01-2021 12:26pm

Sorry if I missed this OP but is there anything in your lease about house guests? When I was a tenant, it was quite common to have a clause about this. Last house-share, I had to notify the landlord if I was having someone over to stay for more than a week. It very much was not something that housemates would tolerate or just be expected to put up with, girlfriend/boyfriend or not.

It sounds like you're just kind of tolerating it now, but if this was me, I'd very much be going the route of your housemate being in violation of the lease and / or reporting to the landlord or at the very least, discussing with your other housemates. The gf sounds toxic and it's not a healthy situation for you to be in, with her milling around all the time. Doubt the other tenants are happy about it either, most people hate this sort of entitlement.

Neyite · 13-01-2021 6:24pm

I'd a girlfriend of a flatmate foisted on me once. I was all for making her pay her share of the heat and electric she used up but another flatmate wiser than me said that if she did pay a portion of the bills, she would have a legitimate claim to officially move in.

So I'd advise against suggesting that - it only gives her more of a foothold.

HildaOgdenx · 13-01-2021 8:06pm

Neyite wrote: »

I'd a girlfriend of a flatmate foisted on me once. I was all for making her pay her share of the heat and electric she used up but another flatmate wiser than me said that if she did pay a portion of the bills, she would have a legitimate claim to officially move in.

So I'd advise against suggesting that - it only gives her more of a foothold.

Yes, this is something, as I said upthread that comes up quite regularly on boards, where a housemate starts to take the p1ss by moving in their partner. The natural reaction is to think, hey this extra person should pay their way. And before you know it, they decide that they are now tenants.

As I mentioned, OP, I would not be surprised if the next revelation is that her place in her own house is gone, I think you said there were already hints about problems with the lease. If the other housemates are working from home, for the foreseeable future, then they may well have decided to let the rented house go.

So, be prepared, I guess, is my advice.

fantaiscool · 14-01-2021 12:57pm

You are allowing yourself to be treated badly. I think you need to stop being afraid of conflict or you will get run over here.

leggo · 14-01-2021 6:04pm

Neyite wrote: »

I'd a girlfriend of a flatmate foisted on me once. I was all for making her pay her share of the heat and electric she used up but another flatmate wiser than me said that if she did pay a portion of the bills, she would have a legitimate claim to officially move in.

The difference with that situation and the OP's, though, is that your flatmate is on side. If you have the numbers then there's no leg for them to stand on due to, as others have pointed out, the lease.

But OP has said he's sure the other flatmate wouldn't have his back pushing her out, so that's a non-starter. Going to the landlord could be shooting themselves in the foot: if the landlord feels they could get more money for the place putting it back on the market, they could view it as a breach of the lease and they risk all getting put out, so it's not something you want to run to them with or even threaten (in case they call your bluff, and also because it'll turn the situation nuclear and end the friendship instantly).

So, weighed up, this could be OP's best course of action aside from saying nothing and letting tension build.

fantaiscool · 14-01-2021 6:14pm

leggo wrote: »

The difference with that situation and the OP's, though, is that your flatmate is on side. If you have the numbers then there's no leg for them to stand on due to, as others have pointed out, the lease.

But OP has said he's sure the other flatmate wouldn't have his back pushing her out, so that's a non-starter. Going to the landlord could be shooting themselves in the foot: if the landlord feels they could get more money for the place putting it back on the market, they could view it as a breach of the lease and they risk all getting put out, so it's not something you want to run to them with or even threaten (in case they call your bluff, and also because it'll turn the situation nuclear and end the friendship instantly).

So, weighed up, this could be OP's best course of action aside from saying nothing and letting tension build.

He should have higher standards in terms of what he will accept from friends and acquaintances. It's only going to affect his self esteem in a worse way if he continues to take the cower down role. I would say man up, be prepared for everything to blow up if it does. I would feel much better even if I ended up worse off overall because my self esteem would be boosted but that's just me. This is a give an inch and they take a mile situation that he should have nipped in the bud much quicker.

leggo · 14-01-2021 9:54pm

This doesn’t really have anything to do with self-esteem, that’s not a conditional thing that is impacted by minor daily decisions and more how you view yourself in the bigger picture...and it’s also largely formulated in your childhood too.

The reality is that, by nature, houseshares are about compromise and taking people’s lives as they are, mashing it in a household and everyone giving and taking enough so that everyone is happy enough. If you’re willing to burn long-term bridges because you overheard your housemate say you were a bit disingenuous...I’m sorry man but that mix of sensitivity and confrontation is a recipe for disaster in an environment that’s intense by default with COVID. It’s also poor life planning because there is a housing/rent crisis in this country so blowing up a situation that could leave no other option but moving could absolutely make your life worse. I don’t think your self-esteem is going to be doing great a year or two from now if you were living in a worse situation, paying over the odds so everything else in your life is affected and you’ve forgotten why you were mad to begin with. Each to their own but I don’t think many would burn their life down over a relatively minor slight like that and it’s not great advice to be dolling out IMO.

Compromising is intelligent and mature - and necessary in a houseshare - you’re not a pushover if you don’t have absolutely everything your own way all the time.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2021 6:18pm

Thanks for all responses - appreciated. Feeling better these days. Schnuckums (love it!) still showing no sign of leaving.

Given other housemate (who’s a gent!) wouldn’t support confronting, the fact that we all have mutual friends and covid’s a pressure cooker anyway - I think a confrontation or bringing out a rent calculator may leave the reputation of me as a bit contrary and make things quite tense. I suspect they will move out to get their own place by summer anyway.

I’m being civil and courteous but in no way going out of my way to give them space. Grabbing tea, making food etc whenever it suits me. She mostly works in his bedroom now (probably because she was getting interrupted all the time).

Thanks again - lockdown madness combined with living in my head was a struggle. Focusing on self now - using time to focus on getting healthy, losing weight etc.

HildaOgdenx · 17-01-2021 10:11pm

X151 wrote: »

Thanks for all responses - appreciated. Feeling better these days. Schnuckums (love it!) still showing no sign of leaving.

Given other housemate (who’s a gent!) wouldn’t support confronting, the fact that we all have mutual friends and covid’s a pressure cooker anyway - I think a confrontation or bringing out a rent calculator may leave the reputation of me as a bit contrary and make things quite tense. I suspect they will move out to get their own place by summer anyway.

I’m being civil and courteous but in no way going out of my way to give them space. Grabbing tea, making food etc whenever it suits me. She mostly works in his bedroom now (probably because she was getting interrupted all the time).

Thanks again - lockdown madness combined with living in my head was a struggle. Focusing on self now - using time to focus on getting healthy, losing weight etc.

Great to hear, and well done you!

leggo · 17-01-2021 11:00pm

Great attitude, love a rare happy ending to these threads. Well done OP, fair play.

ILoveYourVibes · 18-01-2021 10:27pm

May you live happily ever after!

newaccount2017 · 23-01-2021 6:39am

You sound a bit like me, maybe too sensitive for our own good. I was in a very similar situation 3 years ago. Was living with a friend and 1 other person that we didn't know. Anyway, my friend got a partner and the partner basically moved in 5 days a week after only 3 weeks of them meeting each other for the first time. Partner obviously had no life or friends and latched onto my friend and the house and was very annoying to be around. Had to accept that the old friendship was over and that my friend and this weirdo partner came as a duo now. I know people are saying to you that you should ask your friend's gf for a share of the rent or text about a group meeting, but if you're anything like me- that would be unimaginable to do! It would be too awkward. I just bid my time and waited for the 1 year lease to end and got the hell out of there.

Lonely, unlikeable, not much to look forward to

Comments