Your father

Grey Fox wrote: »

How would you rate the job your father did in being a father and did it affect your life much? How would you have done things differently?

My dad was a good provider but pretty old school in terms of showing love and affection etc. But hey, I believe that was the norm at that time (I'm 40). Feels like things have changed so much in parenting since I was a kid.

My one is dead 10 years - died at the age of 60 from cancer - most likely caused by 48 years of smoking roll ups. I am 40.

There are 4 children.

When I was young my father was an absolute bast*rd. Mam said she would have left numerous times if she had the means to. He controlled her, he controlled me and my older sister, we had nothing, he wouldnt work, any money he did get went behind a bar for the most part so he wasnt a provider. Not at all. He would probably get a jab of conscience once every while and buy us a mars bar but in general he was a creature of habit, a mean f**ker with no sense of guilt. Pure Badness. I never got taken to the cinema, was in the likes of McDonalds probably twice as a child. He didnt teach me to drive, never gave me a lift anywhere or collected me, never helped me with anything really. Put us down at every opportunity.
So zero sense of protection and we wont even talk about love. I dont think he was capable.
I could go on all day about the bad things he did on us and we are sure he had an affair at one point.
He mellowed a little as he got older - but I moved out at 19 as soon as I could really.
My two younger siblings have a different opinion as by the time they were growing up we were into the Celtic tiger and he got off his arse and got a job and there was foreign holidays etc - they see him differently where as me and my sister just remember the violent rage filled angry man that had us living in fear most of the time. I dont challenge their perception. They see him differntly and thats fine.

I am completely different to him lets say that.

Girly Gal wrote: »

My father was an alcoholic, was fine when sober and obviously cared for us, but, was a different person when drunk, became aggressive and beat up mum, as a result I wasn't close to him. We had nothing growing up largely due to his drinking. It has definitely affected me as I vowed never to drink because of him, which ironically enough in Ireland is probably a negative thing.
He died along time ago and despite all his failings I still think about him and think what could have been if he weren't an alcoholic.

I relate to the feeling of what could have been.
Especially when I look at all of my mates whos dads were great. Proper men.

Great man.

Tough as old boots. Showed no affection to us growing up but that was the way of the time...I'm 45 so he was a 70's and 80's father!!

Never would see you stuck....be that it was money you needed, a car fixed, a floor put down, anything.

Now I see him with my daughters and the love and affection he gives them is unreal. They constantly pester him and are forever fixing his hair or hugging him to death and he LOVES it!

The only thing I would have done different is not let him near a public hospital, he walked into one, got better, picked up an unknown virus in the hospital ward a couple of days before he was coming home they could not treat, it's the only time I've seen him cry besides the days his own mum and dad died.
Watching your dad go through hell in ICU for a couple months was absolute torture. I really let him down, my family wanted him to stay in that hospital and I fought like hell to get him to the beacon but was overruled. Something I still regret 3yrs later, I should have never backed down.
It's was a clown show in the hospital from start to finish.
Cause of death natural causes heart attack, no mention of months in the hospital that got him to that point or the virus.

Look after your folks.
It took a feckin pandemic to wake up our health services, I hope they learned their lesson about hygiene and letting viruses run wild in hospitals.

A man very much ahead of his time emotionally and socially. Due to an accident he was unable to work so he became a stay at home dad in the early 80’s and excelled at it. His own dad died young and he was raised by an outspoken fearless woman who inspired him greatly and he always tried to instill that independence in his children. He was optimistic, positive and emphatic and a great role model.

Saw this thread last night. Got me thinking hard about my father. I was going to post but said I'd give it time to settle in my mind.

I remember a time when my dad seemed supernatural. World beater, there simply was nobody better than my father as far as I was concerned up until my mid teens.

Don't get me wrong, he worked (very) hard to be a provider to his wife and three children. Early mornings, 80 hour weeks at times as he was double jobbing.

He used to encourage me to play sports, would go to the occasional soccer training session or match to watch. I was useless and he knew it haha but he never said anything.

He always does his best for his children and has been generous, paying for college, and rent while at college, bought us all our first car, helped with deposits at mortgage time, etc. Very generous that way.

I suppose he was in his own way trying to be emotionally present for us, but in reality he isn't a great talker, and this has led him to being a depressed man now. He's having mental struggles which has seen him withdraw from life a bit, there's a lot bottled up. I don't think he ever dealt with his own father's death from lung cancer some 20 odd years ago. As he gets older his physical health is failing because his mental state is telling himself he has cancer, or tumours or aneurysms etc. He doesn't. Tests have shown. He could have 20+ years left, I am worried that he'll be sad and withdrawn and frightened like he is now for the rest of his life.

Anyway, I thought he was the perfect person until I was a teenager. And then I saw snippets of arrogance, insisting he's always right, doesn't like being challenged, very defensive over his views on anything, some sexist views, some racist views, some strong religious views. All that makes him sound a bad person. He's really not, there are just faults. Of course there are.

It's a weird feeling when somebody you've held up in such high regard says or does something that cracks the shiny patina and reveals something underneath.

I no longer think he's the perfect man. But he was the perfect father to the three of us, provided, loved, encouraged, cared for us. Cares for us.

Where he failed was to invest in himself. His life was working for us, looking after those around him while his own mind and emotions were decaying from neglect in the background. He didn't have friends, just family and acquaintances. No social life. And now that his working life is over and his children don't need to be provided for, he's living in his own head. And instead of it being a warm comfortable place for him to retire, it's a damp cold place that needs a lick of paint and a face lift.

So I hope to be as good with my daughter as he was to me, but I have learned I need to look after myself better along the way than he did himself.

I love you dad. I wish you were happier.

Alcoholic absentee father. He's nothing more than a sperm donor to me.

My parents separated when I was one so I don't remember him ever being around. My older siblings have a bit more of a relationship with him.

In my case, he was great for turning up with presents every now and then but he wasn't any kind of emotional father. I wasn't there for my parent's relationship but I've heard enough to think he was a right prick.

As an adult, there is a clash of personalities and I just don't get on with him and I don't see any reason to make an effort.

He has taught how I don't want to be if I do have kids some day.

My father is 70 and I’m late twenties now.
Growing up he never really knew our Birthdays, ages, interests, etc.
He’d also like to be the center of attention. Examples would be at my sex education night at school he made smart comments in front of my class and another time he reported me missing mainly so he could have a chat with the the teachers.
He is a compulsive hoarder as well. Our house was packed with old news papers, boxes, tools, etc. People used land there old clutter onto him and he used raid skips and this was well known and was a tad embarrassing growing up. It was landed outside the house along with old cars.It also meant I was never able to have a friend over growing up.
He did varies other things also. Adults used give you a look which basically said I feel sorry for you.
He did hit me rarely also but that was rare.
He is over a decade older than my mother and she’d have been naive when she meet him. He basically got her farm and everything was done his way. He essentially ran it into the ground and he spent lots of money on himself, his hobbies,etc.
My mother used look after us and her mother. Any time she wanted to do a course or something. He’d insist he’d want to do it to and she sort of lost interest.
He always portrays himself as the perfect gentleman and his issues such as the hoarding effect him also but he can’t help himself.
He does love us in his own way but growing up I sort of always craved a strong male role model.

Truthvader wrote: »

Heres the thing though for those with "bad" Dads. What was their father / childhood like? Usually get out what you put in

It was never spoken about. My grandmother once made a comment about my grandfather alluding to a turbulent life with him but again, you aren't allowed to ask. Maybe I'm wrong but past experiences against you don't forgive you for committing the same crimes or worse in the future.

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

My father married late in life and was in his 50s when I was born so he was the same age as my friends grandfathers.

He was a man of his time and showing emotion wouldn't be the kind of man he was but we had a happy childhood and he worked hard to provide for us which wasn't easy in the 1970s and 80s.

He was secretly battling cancer but didn't let on and kept working until he could do no more, 25 years gone now but I still miss him.

Respect, there is a "never say die" toughness to those old school men. I hope you don't mind me saying.

My dad would be similar to alot of the descriptions on here. Hard working, a good provider but very much a man of his time in that mam dealt with all the kids stuff like clothes, parent teacher meetings, dentist and doctors appointments. He doesnt really do emotions and is very much the bottle up your feelings type but at the back of it all he is a really good human. As Ive gotten older Ive developed a much better relationship with him and can always turn to him for advice if i need it. He has helped us out financially with our wedding, deposit for a house and he has been really generous since my two kids came along and I genuinely believe his interaction with them is him reliving what he would have wanted to be like with us as kids. He absolutely adores them and they are mad about him, he is definitely the favourite grandparent, much to my mothers chagrin Id say but I love seeing them interact together. The patience he has with them when reading, playing etc is wonderful. He was never a drinker thankfully but does smoke heavily and has done for more than 50 years, its only a matter of time before that catches up with him. All I hope is that he is with us long enough for the kids to have proper memories of him when he does die. I had a great relationship with my maternal grandfather and even though he is dead over 20 years, I still miss him and think about him regularly.

All in all, he is not without his faults but the good about him by far outweighs the bad.