Ambivalent about babies

Baby Ambivalence · 19-03-2018 5:12pm #1

I'm in my mid - late 30's, about to get married to an amazing man and I'm ambivalent about babies. I've never been particularly pushed about having kids but nor have I ever been dead set against them. I always assumed I'd probably start wanting them at some point.

I did have a few worries in my early 30's about whether Id meet someone in time to have children. I no longer have those fertility worries, for reasons I won't go into here. I'm pretty confidant I wouldn't have a problem conceiving if I chose to. Obviously time wouldn't be on my side regardless.

My partner and I have spoken about starting a family someday and we are both in favour but in a very abstract "yeah why not" kind of way and that doesn't seem a good reason to bring another person into the world. Neither of us would be overly bothered if it didn't happen either. But I don't want to totally rule out the idea.

I have close friends and family who have gone through the absolute heartache of trying for a baby with repeated failures. Meanwhile I'm quickly approaching 40 and still thinking "hmm... maybe later". I can't identify with that deep desire to procreate. When I think about becoming pregnant I feel slightly anxious. I think I'd feel a bit of a fraud if I announced I was having a baby while people I love are tying themselves in knots trying to have kids.

I can't be the only woman to feel this way but it's a bit of a taboo. I've had so many people jokingly say "oh she hates kids". I don't hate children at all and its pretty insulting to be labelled that way but the world seems to assume all women are dying for babies and if you aren't then you must despise them. I'd like to hear from other women who, when faced with the baby question can only shrug and say "I dunno...". How do you decide on something so huge when you have no strong opinion on it? Is it something you just take a leap of faith and hope for the best - a terrifying thought! or is the likes of me better off staying childless for the good of humanity?

Bambi985 · 19-03-2018 10:37pm

Great post OP. I agree with you, it does seem to be rather taboo to be somewhat on the fence about babies - ESPECIALLY when you're a woman in your childbearing years and even moreso when you're in your 30s and in a relationship and it's assumed that you're already trying. You'll face so much judgement and so many intrusive questions and a level of rudeness that is just shocking from the world around you.

I'm 32 and can totally relate to how you feel. I definitely want children, but in a very theoretical, "someday" sort of way. I've never imagined any other life for myself, but I've also never had that broody ache and longing for a child, the twitching ovaries that so many women seem to experience. It's pretty unsettling to feel this way at 32, to be newly single and to have to consider a life without that family that I naively thought was a given up until now. But equally, the thought of being pregnant fills me with abject horror! And even moreso - the thoughts of having a little one utterly and completely reliant on me and not being able to have the hobbies and the experiences that have become so embedded in my child-free life.

I don't have any advice for you really, just to say that I can completely identify with the mixed feelings and would guess it's a lot more common than anyone realises.

baby and crumble · 20-03-2018 12:23am

Honestly, OP, I don't think you're the only one like this, at all.

I've had my little spates of thinking "yeah, I'd like to have a kid" but the reality is that it wouldn't be a bad idea, but it wouldn't be a terribly good one. I mean obviously being gay there would have to be some serious thought and effort go in to having a kid, and I've never felt motivated enough to start that ball rolling. Neither has my now wife.

I'm turning 36 and I'm confident now that I won't have kids. And do you know what the main thing that makes me doubt my decision is? That I'll have no-one to look after me if I get sick when I'm older. And THAT is a terrible reason to have a child, in fairness!!

If I were in a relationship where I'd have an "oopsie" kind of moment and ended up pregnant, I'd probably be delighted, in fairness. But I'm not, and I'm ok with that. I like kids, and I really enjoy spending time with the kids of my friends and family, but I'm equally delighted to hand them back afterwards!

I have definitely made piece with likely being the slightly weird gay aunt they can come to for advice, and for an adult ear that isn't their own folks. I'm kind of liking that idea now. It's a role I feel comfortable in, and one that leaves me free to move for a job, or not have to worry about needing to get a bigger house as family grows, all that. I don't have to plan things weeks in advance. I'm ok with that.

okiss · 20-03-2018 5:28am

I think that their are some woman who always wanted to get a partner and have children. Just because your a woman of a certain age it does not automatically mean that you want to have children. People expect that most couples of a certain age are trying for a family but this is not always the case.

I watched one friend of mine waiting a few years after she got married to have a family. She ended up having to go down the IVF route to have her 2 children. She had to undergo tests, take drugs and spend a good sum of money without knowing this was going to work. After her 1st child was born she suffered with post natal depression and told me she found the first few months of her 1st baby's life hard going due to this.

Another couple I know got married around your age. They are married a few years and don't have children. They both have good jobs. They enjoy life, go on good holidays and they have necies and nephews to spend time with and enjoy. At this stage of their lives having a baby would be to big of a change for both of them. Also due to the nature of his job he is will be will be able to retire in his early 60's and she plans to do the same.

I watched a friend of mine being turned down by this man when she told him she wanted more than a friends with benefits situation with him. This had been going on for a few months. During this time told her he would like to have his own family. My friend would have had tired to have a family with him if they became a proper couple and if he made a few lifestyle changes. She had ready started to lose weight then.
My friend heard later he met this woman and within few months later she was pregnant with his child. This lady moved into his house. My friend heard recently that him and her are not getting on and the child is still quite young. She also saw him recently and she said to me he is a heart attack or a stroke waiting to happen.
She said he rushed into having a baby with a woman he barely knew and was now finding it hard going.

It is your and your husband's decision if you have a baby or not after you get married. Just because your friends/family around your age are having children does not mean you have to have kids. I would not be having a child/children because your parents want grandkids. I would not have a child thinking I will have someone to look after me in my old age either. I have seen elderly parents totally left on their own by adult children after spending years of there lives making sacrefices and spending large amounts of money to bring them up and putting them through college, giving them house deposits ect.

If you have a child you are looking at spending up to 25 years supporting them depending on what course they do in college. You also need to consider how you would cope from a financial or mental point of view if your child had special needs. I have seen the work put in by parents in this situation and trying to get speech therapy, occupation therapy and other services or aids through the HSE can be hard or your put on a never ending waiting list.

To me it better to bring a child into the world that is wanted by both parents rather than having for any of the reasons mentioned above. Not everyone wants kids and at the end of the day it your decision as a couple if you have a family or if you don't. If you get any comments re having kids after you get married just be ready to give a smart comment back if you decide not to have a family.

Addle · 20-03-2018 9:28am

It's not just about babies, it about toddlers, children, teenagers, adults. You would have responsibilities for the rest of your life.
I adore babies and love my niblings and friends kids, but I have decided that I don't want any more responsibility in my life.
Luckily, my husband is of the same mind.
I don't feel like my life is lacking in any way.
Some do find me odd, but thankfully I have friends who, either by choice or circumstance, are also childfree.

fits · 20-03-2018 10:16am

I think a lot of people feel this way. I certainly did. The ambivalence is a distant memory since the twins came along and I’d love to have more Ie if you do decide to have children you will not feel ambivalent about them.

Baby Ambivalence · 20-03-2018 10:49am

Thanks for all the feedback ladies, keep it coming!

I think its the crushing sense of responsibility that freaks me out most about spawning humans. I mean no offence to any mothers or would be mothers by this but Id be worried that the drudgery of a baby would somehow derail my relationship. I'm not ignoring that babies become children and teenagers but I'm assuming the level of disruption to normal life subsides as they get older - I could be wrong. Teenagers must cause untold anxiety! You do hear of previously happy couples who fall apart under the stress of having kids.

Most couples I know were together years and years before deciding to start families. Id feel a kid would rob me of enjoying my lovely couple-hood. I get the sense that my partner, possibly as he's a man, has never really considered how much work kids are and how much of yourself I imagine you lose by having them. Everyone says they are great once you have them but I think I need more convincing than that.

Ideally, Id love to have 10 more years to put off considering kids but realistically its a decision I need to make sooner rather than later. It's daunting that either way, have or have not, it will affect the rest of my life and the rest of my marriage.

An aunt of mine, on her deathbed said she wished she'd had kids with her husband. Id hate to regret something for the rest of my life, but arguably I could regret it no matter what I chose (controversial but it does happen).

@fits how did you have your twins? was it an accident or did you have a sudden onset of broodiness that broke your ambivalence?

Bambi985 · 20-03-2018 10:54am

fits wrote: »

I think a lot of people feel this way. I certainly did. The ambivalence is a distant memory since the twins came along and I’d love to have more Ie if you do decide to have children you will not feel ambivalent about them.

I'd have no doubt that this is true for most people. Once you've had your own baby they become the centre of the universe. It's getting to the point of pregnancy that unsettles me! Unplanned pregnancy aside, you need to make a pretty solid life decision to get there that's not exactly supported by a general ambivalence towards babies in the first place!

Baby Ambivalence · 20-03-2018 10:56am

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'd have no doubt that this is true for most people. Once you've had your own baby they become the centre of the universe. It's getting to the point of pregnancy that unsettles me! Unplanned pregnancy aside, you need to make a pretty solid life decision to get there that's not exactly supported by a general ambivalence towards babies in the first place!

Exactly! Its like choosing to jump off a cliff. Even if everyone says it will be great, you still have to make that jump and once you do you cant go back.

eviltwin · 20-03-2018 11:15am

You can overthink it. Like most life changes when it happens you just go with the flow. Personally I've never felt my kids made my life a drudgery or had a negative impact on my relationship, they've enhanced my life in so many ways. That's not to say it's not hard at times but they aren't kids forever.

I don't feel overwhelmed with responsibility maybe because I wasnt in a great place when my first was born and I know that kids don't need all the stuff we think they do. I feel more worried about paying the mortgage!

Don't feel under pressure to have children, if its not for you that's okay and I don't think people care as much anymore, child free by choice is not that rare. You don't need kids to have a great life.

Baby Ambivalence · 20-03-2018 11:27am

eviltwin wrote: »

Don't feel under pressure to have children, if its not for you that's okay and I don't think people care as much anymore, child free by choice is not that rare. You don't need kids to have a great life.

Thanks for that, I agree with you. I don't feel that I need to have kids or should have kids to be fulfilled. Its the old biological clock dictating whats possible that I'm concerned about. The choice will be out of my hands soon enough. I don't want to suddenly start wanting them when the opportunity has passed. I feel its time to firm up my opinions on the subject.

RacoonQueen · 20-03-2018 11:58am

I love when threads like this appear...makes me feel more normal because everyone patronises me when I say I don't want kids. I don't dislike kids, I love my nephews and niece but I don't want that life. I don't want the life my brother and sister have. I don't want to rear kids. It's just not for me. I've always been deadset against it and interestingly (to me) a friend of mine, has another friend who is exactly like me in relation to kids...we've the same birthday. Coincidence...I'm sure.

In 30's now, I don't have much time anyway but its not something I've ever wavered on before...even with birth of other kids. I've zero interest when friends/colleagues etc have them and I hate that I'm meant to coo over babies when they come into the office (I don't the last one that came in I talked to its mother while everyone else got all broody).
I can't say I won't ever change my mind, but it is highly unlikely. I wouldn't mind a partner who had his own kids...I'd treat their kid/s like my own for anytime they'd spend with us but I just don't want my own.

When my parents were sick I did wonder who'd look after me if I get sick in 40 years time...but as has been said, that is not a good reason to have kids. There are 4 of us and only I was there looking after my folks.

Mum wants more grandchildren. So gets annoyed with me for not wanting them. I'd be in the park on a weekend looking at families and their activities and I just shudder at the thoughts of that lifestyle.

Anyway, nothing wrong with not wanting kids, lots of women have had kids who didn't want them because they thought they were meant to have them. Not the case. There are other things you can do down the line if you want to have kids in your life. I've said for a while now that while I don't want kids of my own, maybe when my career has reached it's peak, I'm settled in a relationship, steady home etc I would like to foster and help other peoples kids out. Everyone to their own. Lots of other things you can do with your life if you don't choose to have kids of your own.

Addle · 20-03-2018 12:23pm

I do think it's different when they're your own kids though.
Just because you don't like others, doesn't mean you won't like your own.

But not everyone likes their kids. I can't be the only person who knows people who shouldn't be parents? They so obviously resent their children. It's dreadful.

RacoonQueen · 20-03-2018 12:37pm

Why do people assume that because people don't want children of their own that that is because they ''don't like kids'' - I do like kids. I just don't want kids of my own.

In more than one post on this thread people have specifically underlined that it is not that they "don't like kids"

P.s I'm introverted, so, don't like people in general

Baby Ambivalence · 20-03-2018 12:50pm

Addle wrote: »

I do think it's different when they're your own kids though.
Just because you don't like others, doesn't mean you won't like your own.

But not everyone likes their kids. I can't ge the only person who knows people who shouldn't be parents? They so obviously resent their children. It's dreadful.

I don't dislike kids at all, I like the kids I know and have an existing relationship with. I have no interest in random kids which I think is fairly normal really. I don't look at random adults and make a beeline for them either. Many people do seem to be enthralled with babies and children in general regardless of whether they know them or not.

I do agree with you about seeing bad parents and feeling sorry for those poor kids. What an awful situation for everyone.

Neyite · 20-03-2018 1:26pm

Any living creature in it's baby form is cute - baby humans, baby animals, baby spiders... I'm a sucker for cute stuff like that and love it when the BAAAAWW thread in CVPL gets an update.

I've always known I wanted to be a mother, so that kind of certainty is great to have. There are elements of drudgery, sure, but also most days when I'm laughing so much with my kid it gives my pelvic floor muscles a workout!

Everything changes. Everything. Even the way you love your partner changes - Ryan Reynolds says this and it resonates with me and my partner a lot:

I used to say to [Blake], "I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you." I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.

But it's great that we can think about whether or not we want a child. Far better to decide you don't want them than to have one and resent that life change. It's great that our society is slowly starting to accept that couples may choose to be a family of two. (I don't like the terms childless or childfree because to my mind a couple are no less a family if they don't have kids)

It's ok to love kids and yet not want any yourself. You can fully enjoy and bond with the children of your family without any of the responsibilities of them.

Baby Ambivalence · 20-03-2018 2:47pm

Neyite wrote: »

And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.

that's really off-putting for me. Pity I couldn't just have a kid and give it to my sister as a present. She might still let me play with it sometimes but she'd get far more enjoyment out of it than I would I expect

Faith · 20-03-2018 2:55pm

I too love these threads for making me feel less alone! I have never in my memory wanted kids. Over the past few years, I have moved from an active "NO, DEFINITELY NOT, F8CK OFF" to more of a "I don't want them, but I'm open to my mind changing". If I got struck by a serious bout of broodiness, then sure, I'd consider having kids. But I'm 31 now and don't see it happening.

Funnily enough, over the last few years I have worked a lot with children and I love it (generally). It's possibly my preferred population, but that hasn't influenced my feelings about having children. I worry too much about what I'd do to them. What kind of messages might I give them? Might I treat them badly, or poorly, or just be unintentionally damaging? But mostly, I love my life and my lifestyle. My husband and I stay in bed until noon at the weekends if we want to, and can do anything we want. Our [very limited] spare cash is spent on what we want. I can't imagine living my life to essentially serve someone else - and I accept that's just my perception and doesn't reflect the reality that most parents experience.

One thing I'm aware of is that I have been on hormonal contraception since I was 17. I wonder if broodiness could show up if I took a break from that, but then I'm sure it would shine through contraception if the feelings were strong enough. Sometimes I try to imagine I feel broody, to really conjure it up to see if anything changes, but nothing has yet!

Neyite · 20-03-2018 3:03pm

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

that's really off-putting for me.

The point is that if I as a parent had to hypothetically choose between our child and my partner to save only one of them, it would hands down be the child I'd save without hesitation. And my partner would be fine with it. :pMore than fine - he'd be pissed if I chose him over our child. And vice versa. We have odd conversations sometimes.

That's what I mean about the relationship changing. Before the child came along, my partner would have been my #1 person and vice versa. In a relationship, being pushed down the list to #2 would be usually crushing and a deal breaker but if you both have a child, it's pretty normal.

Lorelli! · 20-03-2018 4:17pm

It's a big decision OP. I can only imagine how difficult it is having to face that at this time for you when youre not sure of how you feel because like Neyite, I always knew I wanted children. I use to say i wanted six but settling on two

The only people that matter in that decision is you and your fiance so i wouldnt worry about anyone else. Sure, even women with children are often asked things like "when are you having the next one?" or can be given condescending advice etc. so you can never let your choices be effected by other people's expectations of you or worry about made up assumptions like people saying you don't like children. Very often though people don't have a bad motive and are just seeing things from their own perspective.

I normally prefer not to talk about my children online but anyway while it was scary at times, being pregnant and giving birth were some of the best experiences of my life and I love being a mam. I was lucky I had no complications and it was all very straight forward except morning, noon and night sickness

Two of my aunt's on separate sides never had children and tbh I've never really thought about it till now and it was never a case that they were questioned or judged on their choices afaik. They both seem happy enough as are my other relatives that did have children.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 20-03-2018 4:43pm

I love kids, don't really like babies that much (there is some little lizard part of my brain that lights up and does something halfway between "D'AWW" and "SPLOOSH" when I see a man carrying one though

), but definitely don't want any.

I've felt that way since before puberty. I think actually it's only in the last few years that I've owned and become comfortable with the choice (and resigned to the fact that I'll be patronised for my remaining fertile years and pitied thereafter) that I've also become comfortable with the fact that I really do love the company of children and I'm good with them. Think I definitely internalised the "childless women hate children" stuff.

I do have the odd moment of idle fantasy, like when I see a picture of my partner as a child and wonder how cute a mixture of us would be. There's also a huge amount of guilt tripping from my parents which can be difficult. And there is the thing of "what if I change my mind when it's too late?". But having a child, deliberately creating an entire human consciousness and taking supreme responsibility for it, just on the off-chance? I don't think that's right.

Have you ever spent any extended time taking care of kids OP? Find the boldest kids you can (probably the ones whose parents are quickest to take you up on a babysitting offer) and mind them for a weekend, see how you feel then :pac:

DaeryssaOne · 20-03-2018 4:59pm

It's crazy that I saw this thread when genuinely only yesterday I used the word 'ambivalent' when talking about having kids with my husband.
I'm the same as you OP in that I never particularly wanted kids while growing up, I didn't change my mind in my 20s and now in my mid-30s I'm beginning to feel the pressure and I'm waiting for that broody feeling to kick in...but it still hasn't!

I'm not actually against the idea of having them but due to a medical condition it's likely that I would at least have issues getting pregnant if I actually can get pregnant at all. A part of me feels like this will just make the decision for me - we're sort of 'trying to conceive' but for me if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen and that's that. Unfortunately though, my husband is less ambivalent and would like to consider IVF / adoption etc. if it wasn't happening - that's when I get a little panicky to be honest. I don't particularly want to fight for a baby when I'm not even sure I want one in the first place.

I adore my nieces and nephews and it's lovely seeing my friend's kids growing up but I just don't know how much I want that for myself. I know they say you won't understand until you have your own but I can't help wondering if I would end up resenting them for taking away my freedom.

metaoblivia · 20-03-2018 5:04pm

I completely understand, OP. I'm 36 and have kept waiting for that baby bug to bite me. It never has. If anything, the older I get, the more I see what a huge responsibility it is to have kids, and I'm not sure that's something I want in my life. What's been the driving factor for me (beyond finances and the physical toll pregnancy takes, which are big concerns as well) is that you have very little time to yourself once you have children. That would be so tough on me mentally. And I know myself well enough to know that I would resent having that taken away.

And I like children! Babies I'm honestly not very keen on, but once they hit about 3 or 4, I think kids are great fun. Even pre-teens and teenagers are fun. And I used to teach secondary school, so I've seen them at their best and worst.

I've often thought, if I ever find the time, it would be an idea to join a mentoring program or something of the like. That may be as close to parenting as I get!

Addle · 20-03-2018 5:19pm

Bentley Rapping Hyena wrote: »

Have you ever spent any extended time taking care of kids OP? Find the boldest kids you can (probably the ones whose parents are quickest to take you up on a babysitting offer) and mind them for a weekend, see how you feel then :pac:

Seriously?
Minding someone else's kids, versus raising your own, and affording to put them through college and life's milestones?
There's no way to create a comparison.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 20-03-2018 5:23pm

Addle wrote: »

Seriously?
Minding someone else's kids, versus raising your own, and affording to put them through college and life's milestones?
There's no way to create a comparison.

Uhm, no, hence :pac:

fits · 20-03-2018 5:26pm

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

@fits how did you have your twins? was it an accident or did you have a sudden onset of broodiness that broke your ambivalence?

I got some symptoms checked out and told I couldn’t have children. We made some lifestyle changes to get ready for ivf and it happened naturally in the meantime. The twins probably a result of haywire hormones. In retrospect the ambivalence was actually largely fear.

Baby Ambivalence · 20-03-2018 7:40pm

Thanks to everyone whose contributed so far, its brilliant to get all the varied feedback. I was half worried I would get labelled a cold hearted baby hater

fits wrote: »

In retrospect the ambivalence was actually largely fear.

Yeah, a big part of it is abject terror. I'm happy to consider having kids in a vague "someday" way but whenever my partner says "come on lets get you up the duff" I panic slightly and find reasons to put it off. Congrats on having the twins after that diagnosis. I imagine if I was told I couldn't have kids Id be quite upset about it.

I'm fairly sure its all compounded by the fact my sister whose always wanted kids is struggling with IVF at the moment.

To reassure anyone whose brought it up, I'm not remotely bothered by anyone elses opinions on whether or not I "should" have kids. I never get anyone asking me when I will pop a sprog - a few people were even surprised when I told them I was doing something as bourgoise as getting married

RacoonQueen · 20-03-2018 8:52pm

Bentley Rapping Hyena wrote: »

...I've also become comfortable with the fact that I really do love the company of children and I'm good with them. Think I definitely internalised the "childless women hate children" stuff.

ha...I've always been good with kids. They've always loved me too...I'm like a magnet to children (I think it's because I'm so small and they think I'm one of them :pac: )
There is the taboo that childless women/women who don't want kids are just miserable sods, with resting bitch face who are like bulldogs and only interested in their career or are selfish etc...rather than people who just don't want kids.

The concept that women who don't want kids are 'selfish' is something that really bothers me, I really don't understand what is selfish about not wanting kids.

meeeeh · 22-03-2018 9:09am

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

Thanks to everyone whose contributed so far, its brilliant to get all the varied feedback. I was half worried I would get labelled a cold hearted baby hater

Yeah, a big part of it is abject terror. I'm happy to consider having kids in a vague "someday" way but whenever my partner says "come on lets get you up the duff" I panic slightly and find reasons to put it off.

I was fairly ambivalent about kids although I have them now. I would be probably quite happy without too and I don't particularly care about or even like other people's children. That being said I think mine are brilliant.

Anyway that's irrelevant what is important is how your partner feels and does he know about your reservations. If not you owe him that conversation before you get married. If you have doubts he should be the one to discuss them with and he is the person whose feelings about kids count.

_Dara_ · 23-03-2018 2:36pm

I never got the broody feelings. Never thought about children. As I entered my 30s, I worried about that. Is this normal? What if I change my mind and it's too late? There's the biological clock and then there's the "What if I'm wrong about not hearing the biological clock tick" clock.

Interestingly, it was being diagnosed with cancer that confirmed that, nope, I really don't want kids. Many women in my position, it's their first thought because the treatments put you in a temporary menopause that sometimes becomes permanent. Many women freeze eggs before starting treatment. In all the anguish I felt post-diagnosis, the idea of not having children never figured. I just didn't care. And I was glad, one less to worry about.

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'm turning 36 and I'm confident now that I won't have kids. And do you know what the main thing that makes me doubt my decision is? That I'll have no-one to look after me if I get sick when I'm older. And THAT is a terrible reason to have a child, in fairness!

And the thing is, if you don't have children, you will have the ability to save a lot more money. Children are expensive for 18 years and beyond. That's a lot of extra saving and you could earmark some of it for future care. I have friends who are in their 50s, a married couple. They are childless. I have no idea if it was intentional or if they weren't able to have children. None of my business. But they have such a great lifestyle. They both have good jobs but if they had had kids they wouldn't have the lifestyle they have now. They are an advertisement for not having kids, honestly!

jon1981 · 23-03-2018 2:43pm

Had our first kid aged 36. Love her to bits and always wanted a family. We had a great life prior to kids, travelled, partied, hobbies galore...etc. In some ways having such an independent and full life has made parenting so hard. Why? Because we were spoiled, we were too use to our lifestyle, go out when we want, travel when we want, read when i want, sleep when i want and for however long i want....

If i were doing it all again I'd have done it years ago, when i also had more energy

. Also they'd be grown up and we'd be still youngish enough to resume the lifestyle once they fly the nest.

Don't get me wrong, life is great but it's very very different and takes alot of personal sacrifices.

Aveen · 25-03-2018 7:52pm

It a personal choice but I would make sure you both have a clear understanding of the decision. Why none and how many you love to have. I’ve two beautiful boys and would give anything to have a girl (it’s a deep down feeling so please don’t judge, I do understand how lucky I am) OH said he only wants two so that’s it for us! I’m finding it very hard to deal with.
Been a mum is hard but they bring so much sparkle of life everyday.
Good luck with your decision, there’s loads of ways to enjoy life without children. I think we all judge to quick, we all have a choices so been happy with yours. Don’t think too much about others people will always talk

Appledreams15 · 26-03-2018 12:24pm

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

I'm in my mid - late 30's, about to get married to an amazing man and I'm ambivalent about babies. I've never been particularly pushed about having kids but nor have I ever been dead set against them. I always assumed I'd probably start wanting them at some point.

I did have a few worries in my early 30's about whether Id meet someone in time to have children. I no longer have those fertility worries, for reasons I won't go into here. I'm pretty confidant I wouldn't have a problem conceiving if I chose to. Obviously time wouldn't be on my side regardless.

My partner and I have spoken about starting a family someday and we are both in favour but in a very abstract "yeah why not" kind of way and that doesn't seem a good reason to bring another person into the world. Neither of us would be overly bothered if it didn't happen either. But I don't want to totally rule out the idea.

I have close friends and family who have gone through the absolute heartache of trying for a baby with repeated failures. Meanwhile I'm quickly approaching 40 and still thinking "hmm... maybe later". I can't identify with that deep desire to procreate. When I think about becoming pregnant I feel slightly anxious. I think I'd feel a bit of a fraud if I announced I was having a baby while people I love are tying themselves in knots trying to have kids.

I can't be the only woman to feel this way but it's a bit of a taboo. I've had so many people jokingly say "oh she hates kids". I don't hate children at all and its pretty insulting to be labelled that way but the world seems to assume all women are dying for babies and if you aren't then you must despise them. I'd like to hear from other women who, when faced with the baby question can only shrug and say "I dunno...". How do you decide on something so huge when you have no strong opinion on it? Is it something you just take a leap of faith and hope for the best - a terrifying thought! or is the likes of me better off staying childless for the good of humanity?

It's your choice! Do what is good for you, not what society tells you to do. I am the same -ambivalent. No strong urge. I feel that I would be happy with or without. And I feel that I am leaning towards without.

splinter65 · 26-03-2018 12:33pm

I’ve never understood how people think it’s any of their business wether or not another person wants or like kids.
Amazingly cheeky to accuse someone else of being a bad person because they don’t want to be a parent.

Goldenlady · 26-03-2018 5:16pm

You are definitely not alone OP!!

I spent almost a decade in a relationship and it ended because he wouldn't have kids, I decided if I was to give myself a chance I needed to get out of the relationship... BUT all that time I still wasn't sure If I wanted kids or not, I just didn't want the choice taken away from me!

I remained single for a few years and had accepted I wouldn't have kids, was happy with my life etc....
Fast forward to today I am now 6months pregnant, and couldn't be happier! I too feared the whole "trying" process seeing how some friends struggled and wasn't sure mentality could I deal with it.. so we were blessed with this as a surprise and ya know what, it just worked perfectly for me! I know if I had tried to plan it I probably never would have!!

So I have no advice really, just wanted to say you seem to be in the same mindset as me..
Its a daunting and scary road ahead, but exciting too!!!
Best of luck x

DoozerT6 · 26-03-2018 7:03pm

Like others in this thread, I was ambivalent about kids, I had no strong feelings either way. In my younger years, I thought when I met the right guy it would all fall into place, and we would decide between us whether or not children would be in our future.

Sadly, I never met anybody to love, and also, sadly, I have a feeling I might be starting early menopause at 43. (Not confirmed by a doctor yet, but my periods have shortened over the past several months to just three days max, after three decades of my period lasting 7/8 days). While it may end up being something else altogether, the thoughts that it may indeed by the start of the menopause has stirred up feelings in me that I hoped to never go through - a feeling like a part of my life is over, a part that I never really got to live: the fertile, sexual side of me. (While I know you don't stop being a sexual being after menopause, I'm talking in terms of the potential for a family, should I miraculously meet someone special). I'll never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth, I'll never get to bond with my peers about family life and childrearing (this is a huge part of how women bond with each other, which already sets me apart from most other women my age). I've never even had a conversation about children, family plans or contraception with a guy.

I can't explain the feelings I'm going through - loss, loneliness (I don't have a partner or friends to talk to about this), grief and sadness for what might have been.

After my rambling post OP, I would advise you to just think about how you would feel if the option of bearing children was, for some reason, unexpectedly taken away from you. Would you be ok with the idea, or would it upset you?

That may well give you your answer.

LaughAlot2 · 26-03-2018 10:58pm

I am 22 now, and I have spent most of my life dreaming of after I got my education, traveled a bit more than I already have and found the right man, I would settle, we would make our little home and nest together and have a good few kids.. But I have always been a bit iffy about having kids, was always mostly leaning towards if it happens it happens, and would only be pushed if me and my partner were "settled down" and he was (for me) and I was (for him) the one... Unfortunately I had found the one for me, I thought he found the one as he said once upon a time also, and he ghosted after a load of empty promises and silly me leaving myself vulnerable (bad trust issues) now think I've let him walk away too easily as have I, and if I was to have my kiddies and home, it would have been with him and only him. If anyone could have been perfect it would have been him,i guess it just wasn't meant to be! This post by OP I can kind of relate to as I always felt a bit "hmmm" when all my friends went 'baby mad' and almost all of the girls around me (and younger) already have or are expecting their first or second kiddies. I feel if I was to have kids with anyone it would have been the man of my dreams that is no longer around, I don't think I could even think about kids with anyone else because I let down all my guards and let him inside the walls I had built over my short dating time.. Am I just being silly or can any other women see where I am coming from? Maybe the future will hold different things, but he was the first I even considered the idea of baby's with, and I couldn't see me having the planning or thoughts of conceiving with anyone but that man..

LaughAlot2 · 26-03-2018 11:16pm

LaughAlot2 wrote: »

I am 22 now, and I have spent most of my life dreaming of after I got my education, traveled a bit more than I already have and found the right man, I would settle, we would make our little home and nest together and have a good few kids.. But I have always been a bit iffy about having kids, was always mostly leaning towards if it happens it happens, and would only be pushed if me and my partner were "settled down" and he was (for me) and I was (for him) the one... Unfortunately I had found the one for me, I thought he found the one as he said once upon a time also, and he ghosted after a load of empty promises and silly me leaving myself vulnerable (bad trust issues) now think I've let him walk away too easily as have I, and if I was to have my kiddies and home, it would have been with him and only him. If anyone could have been perfect it would have been him,i guess it just wasn't meant to be! This post by OP I can kind of relate to as I always felt a bit "hmmm" when all my friends went 'baby mad' and almost all of the girls around me (and younger) already have or are expecting their first or second kiddies. I feel if I was to have kids with anyone it would have been the man of my dreams that is no longer around, I don't think I could even think about kids with anyone else because I let down all my guards and let him inside the walls I had built over my short dating time.. Am I just being silly or can any other women see where I am coming from? Maybe the future will hold different things, but he was the first I even considered the idea of baby's with, and I couldn't see me having the planning or thoughts of conceiving with anyone but that man..

I just re-read what I wrote, and it sounds proper bad but I will not be trying or even thinking of relationships/love/men in general since the last person who ran off with my heart and never gave it back! Haha!
But I will add I forgot one massive chunk to the "If" of children and babies, would be marriage..
I know that a couple doesn't necessarily have to be married to have baby's, and a couple who is married doesn't necessarily have to have baby's.
But for me, I would prefer for myself and my partner to be married..

Even though I've given up on men and starting a family with one, as a personal choice from a previous experience.

Sorry everybody, I'm done rambling on.. Just seen this post by OP and it caught my eye..

Neyite · 27-03-2018 10:36am

LaughAlot2 wrote: »

I am 22 now, and I have spent most of my life dreaming of after I got my education, traveled a bit more than I already have and found the right man, I would settle, we would make our little home and nest together and have a good few kids.. But I have always been a bit iffy about having kids, was always mostly leaning towards if it happens it happens, and would only be pushed if me and my partner were "settled down" and he was (for me) and I was (for him) the one... Unfortunately I had found the one for me, I thought he found the one as he said once upon a time also, and he ghosted after a load of empty promises and silly me leaving myself vulnerable (bad trust issues) now think I've let him walk away too easily as have I, and if I was to have my kiddies and home, it would have been with him and only him. If anyone could have been perfect it would have been him,i guess it just wasn't meant to be! This post by OP I can kind of relate to as I always felt a bit "hmmm" when all my friends went 'baby mad' and almost all of the girls around me (and younger) already have or are expecting their first or second kiddies. I feel if I was to have kids with anyone it would have been the man of my dreams that is no longer around, I don't think I could even think about kids with anyone else because I let down all my guards and let him inside the walls I had built over my short dating time.. Am I just being silly or can any other women see where I am coming from? Maybe the future will hold different things, but he was the first I even considered the idea of baby's with, and I couldn't see me having the planning or thoughts of conceiving with anyone but that man..

You are only 22. You have years to find the right person to share your life with, the right person to have kids with if that's what you still want. I started my family at 36, and I know women who started their families later than that again. While fertility can decline after 40, women can and do have babies a few years after that - though the slight increase of risks means if you can, you should plan to have them at a younger age. But you have time. Lots of it.

Trust me, he wasn't the one. Someone who is flaky and who ghosts you and is full of empty promises is NOT someone who you want to be the co-parent to your child. If he was doing it to you, he'd do it to your kid(s) when they arrive and that's really damaging to them. If you want kids, you owe it to them to find the best dad you can for them. Very often we don't pick wisely for ourselves as we don't often have enough appreciation for how amazing we are but if you are more discerning for your future kids, you might just pick someone who is an awesome dad and partner.

I was contacted recently on FB by the guy who was my 'one' at 21. Like your ex, mine ghosted me without warning and it felt like **** until 22 years later he popped up on a friend request. I dunno what I ever saw in him. Another ex from when I was 24 who I was sure at the time I'd have kids with has just had a baby with his partner and all I felt for him was genuine happiness at their joy. He's a nice guy, but we would not have been suited at all. You'll look back at your ex's the same way I'm sure.

LaughAlot2 · 27-03-2018 7:19pm

Neyite wrote: »

You are only 22. You have years to find the right person to share your life with, the right person to have kids with if that's what you still want. I started my family at 36, and I know women who started their families later than that again. While fertility can decline after 40, women can and do have babies a few years after that - though the slight increase of risks means if you can, you should plan to have them at a younger age. But you have time. Lots of it.

Trust me, he wasn't the one. Someone who is flaky and who ghosts you and is full of empty promises is NOT someone who you want to be the co-parent to your child. If he was doing it to you, he'd do it to your kid(s) when they arrive and that's really damaging to them. If you want kids, you owe it to them to find the best dad you can for them. Very often we don't pick wisely for ourselves as we don't often have enough appreciation for how amazing we are but if you are more discerning for your future kids, you might just pick someone who is an awesome dad and partner.

I was contacted recently on FB by the guy who was my 'one' at 21. Like your ex, mine ghosted me without warning and it felt like **** until 22 years later he popped up on a friend request. I dunno what I ever saw in him. Another ex from when I was 24 who I was sure at the time I'd have kids with has just had a baby with his partner and all I felt for him was genuine happiness at their joy. He's a nice guy, but we would not have been suited at all. You'll look back at your ex's the same way I'm sure.

So which one did you go with, the "i dunno what i ever saw in him" guy? Come one hun lets be honest here.. Not judging ðŸ˜‚ if the 24 year old was over with the mother of his baby a long time or a good while ago, and she had moved on and was all good, if i was in your situation i would have picked the 2nd but but the first sounds very much more my type..

There could be complications as i got older.. Genetic situations, as far as i know it skipped me. I definitely wouldnt want to risk it though.. Still unsure if i want babies or not, one day when me and my man (if he wasnt my first "one" almost no chance of babies or marriage). If the man i settle down with has kids already, and there mother was ok with them getting a new dads friend, id be more than happy

I get where you are coming though, i can see what your saying

meeeeh · 27-03-2018 8:27pm

Well that escalated quickly...

Neyite · 27-03-2018 9:07pm

LaughAlot2 wrote: »

So which one did you go with, the "i dunno what i ever saw in him" guy? Come one hun lets be honest here.. Not judging &#55357;&#56834; if the 24 year old was over with the mother of his baby a long time or a good while ago, and she had moved on and was all good, if i was in your situation i would have picked the 2nd but but the first sounds very much more my type..

I didn't shag either. I'm not sure how you got that from my post.

erica74 · 29-03-2018 8:02am

I'm 30, my husband is 42 and we have been married for 5 years. I honestly never thought I'd find someone I wanted to marry. I never saw a happy marriage, I didn't think they existed and I didn't think I had the tools necessary to make one. However, that obviously changed for me when I met my husband.
I always laugh at people who think marriage is a massive commitment but think it's totally normal for people to have children willy nilly. That is a commitment!! Bringing a person into this world, that is a big commitment! In my opinion, certainly bigger than marriage.

Children scare me and I really don't like them and I really don't want any. However, aside from that, I have 2 big issues with me having children.
1. I have a variety of problems with my health, including a serious problem with my back and hips that affects me every day. I would be very concerned that these would be severely impacted by pregnancy and have been advised that there is a high probability that this would be the case. Also, I am on a lot of medication and all but one is contraindicated in pregnancy so that would also severely impact on my pain levels. So I could be looking at a worsened problem with my back and fewer treatment options available to me.

2. The second issue is that my sister is the only person in my family who I have a relationship with and she lives a 2 hour drive away and works full time. My husband has no family left, as both his parents have passed away. We don't have that built in babysitting unit that a lot of people have. So one of us would either have to give up working for a few years or we would have to use a creche, which is mega expensive and you're basically giving your baby to strangers for more hours of the day than you spend with him/her. And then if my husband and I needed to both go somewhere, we would either need to bring the baby everywhere or one of us always stay at home with the baby.
Now, that's just my personal feelings on it, I'm not judging anyone who uses creches or anything like that.

So op, you're definitely not alone in this even if it sometimes feels like you are. I think it is a very individual choice and there are so many factors to consider. It's never as simple as I want a child, I'm going to have one or I don't want a child, I'm not going to have one. There's all the other personal stuff to consider.

milli milli · 21-04-2018 12:07am

Bentley Rapping Hyena wrote: »

But having a child, deliberately creating an entire human consciousness and taking supreme responsibility for it, just on the off-chance? I don't think that's right.
:

THIS^^ times 1 million.
So many people think it’s all the cutesy baby thing and the Mothercare/Pinterest lovely lifestyle.

Having children is a massive decision and your life will never be the same again. It’s not something to be entered into lightly just because it’s something you’re ‘supposed’ to do.

Sile Na Gig · 22-04-2018 11:44pm

I’ve got four kids, had them fairly young (I’m in my mid 30s now, my eldest is a young teen). None were planned but I always wanted lots of kids.

I find it hard to understand why more people don’t choose to be child free. Even though it was exactly what I wanted it’s a really huge commitment, physically, emotionally, financially. The young years are gruelling in terms of lack of sleep and seeing to their basic needs, but as they get older I feel a massive responsibility to give them the tools to help them negotiate the big bad world, to be tolerant and kind but still to be able to stick up for themselves. Obviously the return in terms of love and watching them grow and learn are enormous. But I don’t know why anyone would sign themselves up for that if they weren’t sure that was what they wanted.

The Cool · 01-05-2018 7:36pm

This is funny to see this thread and the word ambivalent as that's also how I've been feeling. Like if I were to get pregnant I'd probably be happy about it, but if I don't then I'll still be happy with my life, I think.
There is a part of me that likes the idea of being pregnant and having a baby, nesting, being a mama. But then somehow I picture, at the end of my day, instead of sitting down and relaxing, fighting toddlers to get them to go to bed, not being able to "switch off", and somehow that just doesn't seem as appealing.
That sounds very selfish but I look at our lives now, and how little room there is for kids in it, and how little support we'd have in raising them. My OH works mad hours and would regularly not be home for kiddie bedtime. I'm freelance and relish my independence. Our families live hours away, we would have no help. It would be a huge change to our lives and I'm not ready for that.
I'm pushing 30 and thought I'd be more sussed about what I'm doing but I'd be very surprised if I have a child in the next 5 years, if at all. It's driving me mad though, getting pressure from my parents about starting a family like it's a question of "when" and "why not already", rather than "if".

anewme · 06-05-2018 8:26am

In my late 40’s now and single.

Never really wanted children, don’t coo over babies. When the house across the road had a new baby and the house next door to them got a new puppy, guess which one I went visiting?

Always thought I would end up getting married and having children but was really not that bothered that’s not the way life worked out. No regrets either. I might like a relationship sometimes, but the reality is I don’t want anyone cluttering up my couch and the older you get, the more set in your ways you get.

People still say to me ahh you’ll feel different when you have your own, (I dint bother saying I’m well passed it) which I suppose is a compliment as I look a lot younger than my age(which I seriously do put down to no husband or children)

I don’t think of it much at the moment, maybe when I’m a sad lonely old lady (with twenty dogs) I might, but I really don’t think so.

I’ve a lot going for me, the most important being I’m extremely fit and healthy and enjoy life.

Interesting thread and it’s good to see that not everyone has to conform to society norms of wife and mother without being labeled a dried up old spinster.

Sile Na Gig · 06-05-2018 10:39am

anewme wrote: »

I look a lot younger than my age(which I seriously do put down to no husband or children).

I started going grey in my first pregnancy at 24 and got significantly greyer with each subsequent child. Also really struggled to get my fitness back each time, and haven’t at all since the last. I’m sure the years of broken sleep haven’t helped my appearance either. Kids definitely wreck your body and your bank balance.

erudec · 06-05-2018 6:19pm

Don't worry about it.

Someone else is going to take care of the job of making sure the human race continues.

Kids are bloody expensive, and infuriating and it's very, very hard to have anything resembling romance in your life and still keep a toddler growing up safe but not coddled.

You need a partner who's on the ball, and who's going to take the stress in his stride, and who you know how to disagree with each other without either of you losing the wig. That partner needs to have a good, steady income because pregnancy could easily take you out of the workforce for a few years if you get a bad roll of the dice.

If you are over 35, the chances of the child having some serious issues like autism are not that small. The kid will most likely be fine, but it's not a tiny percentage who have problems at that age of motherhood.

If things aren't lined up for you correctly, don't let people's expectations shame you into having a baby that you're not well able to raise well and still hold down a job.

If you are an organised person, whose bedroom and workspace are tidy, and you are super-psyched for motherhood, do it.

If your bedroom and desk is usually a mess, make sure you have people in your life who are organised and conscientious and ultra-reliable before you take the plunge, if you can.

pwurple · 06-05-2018 10:20pm

Jeez Louise, I have a messy bed. Neuter me now. (Too late, have already procreated!)

I also am the primary earner, husband was made redundant. Holy majoly, and I am in my 40’s! And yet we are having a ball with these fish-face impression artists who chip every plate in my house.

Seriously, there are no ultimates, or should haves. The less controlling may be more chilled out and cope better with new responsibilities. The more controlled may run everything like clockwork. We each figure out what works.

erudec · 06-05-2018 11:11pm

pwurple wrote: »

Jeez Louise, I have a messy bed. Neuter me now. (Too late, have already procreated!)

I also am the primary earner, husband was made redundant. Holy majoly, and I am in my 40’s! And yet we are having a ball with these fish-face impression artists who chip every plate in my house.

Seriously, there are no ultimates, or should haves. The less controlling may be more chilled out and cope better with new responsibilities. The more controlled may run everything like clockwork. We each figure out what works.

Right, so there's no reason for you to pay any attention to what I said.

It's only addressed to those who are on the fence about having their first child. That's not you, so no worries, **** (I said a bold word).

Ambivalent about babies

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