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Surname change after Marriage

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    #92
    salmocab
    Registered Users Posts: 11,283 ✭✭✭✭salmocab


    sassyj wrote: »
    I can't believe women are still using the term "maiden name", I thought that went out with the arc.
    !

    What term would you use instead?


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    #93
    Stratvs
    Registered Users Posts: 958 ✭✭✭Stratvs


    salmocab wrote: »
    What term would you use instead?

    "Birth surname" is what is usually used on official forms here.


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    #94
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I don't know why people get so hung up on names to be honest. It's such a non issue.

    Its a non issue to you (and to me actually), but some people identify very strongly with their name and it forms part of their personal "who I am".

    For me, Im not even that attached to my forename and if people call me by the wrong name but I know its me they are referring to I still respond.

    Different strokes and all that - Im sure Ive plenty of other non issues that I get hung up about that others dont.


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    #95
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    ....... wrote: »
    Its a non issue to you (and to me actually), but some people identify very strongly with their name and it forms part of their personal "who I am".

    For me, Im not even that attached to my forename and if people call me by the wrong name but I know its me they are referring to I still respond.

    Different strokes and all that - Im sure Ive plenty of other non issues that I get hung up about that others dont.

    That I understand. I'm really referring to people who have to chime in about other couples. I've met a lot of people - often quite young strangely enough - who get quite heated about our choice re naming our kids as if it somehow impacts on them.

    I don't understand the way people have such strong views about choices other people make. It's usually accompanied by the kind of condescending comment a poster here has made too.


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    #96
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    stefanovich wrote: »
    I don't see the reason for going against tradition just for the sake of it.

    Dowries were traditional once upon a time. So were arranged marriages. Traditionally a woman had to quit working after marriage. Traditionally she was not able to own her own property, vote, or even have her own PPSN number (or the historical equivalent) Traditionally the brides father paid for everything. Traditionally a married couple had no access to contraceptives.

    Traditionally, only a man and a woman could marry legally in this state.

    Some traditions are archiac, outdated and /or discriminatory.

    Bet if you were female you'd see the reason why some women want to keep their own name.


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    #97
    Star Lord
    Registered Users Posts: 30,123 ✭✭✭✭Star Lord


    stefanovich wrote: »
    I don't see the reason for going against tradition just for the sake of it.

    I don't see the reason for going with tradition just for the sake of it.

    And the only 'power-play' possible here if a woman desires to keep her own name, is your desire that she change her name to yours...


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    #98
    stefanovich
    Registered Users Posts: 5,490 ✭✭✭stefanovich


    Neyite wrote: »
    Dowries were traditional once upon a time. So were arranged marriages. Traditionally a woman had to quit working after marriage. Traditionally she was not able to own her own property, vote, or even have her own PPSN number (or the historical equivalent) Traditionally the brides father paid for everything. Traditionally a married couple had no access to contraceptives.

    Traditionally, only a man and a woman could marry legally in this state.

    Some traditions are archiac, outdated and /or discriminatory.

    Bet if you were female you'd see the reason why some women want to keep their own name.

    I question some people's motives. I know when my wife took my name she did so happily and without question. I know many men would feel that they were not fully accepted if the woman insisted on keeping her own name. I see it as another step at chipping away at the family unit for the sake of the good fight against patriarchy.

    Sometimes there's a lot of wisdom in tradition. For instance, this idea of both parents working... We end up with children who are brought up by childminders while both parents work on depressed wages. Surely not good for the child or society.

    Star Lord wrote: »
    I don't see the reason for going with tradition just for the sake of it.

    And the only 'power-play' possible here if a woman desires to keep her own name, is your desire that she change her name to yours...

    Again, I'd question the motive. Is it a battle worth fighting at the expense of a harmonious start to a marriage?


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    #99
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,326 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    stefanovich wrote: »
    Again, I'd question the motive. Is it a battle worth fighting at the expense of a harmonious start to a marriage?

    In healthy, equal relationships, it isn't a battle for the woman not to give up something that is important to her. It would greatly concern me if my husband felt I needed to put my own feelings aside for a "harmonious" start to our marriage. It reminds me of the era where women should be seen and not heard. I am guessing you got married some time ago. The modern world has changed, where women actually have professions and solid identities outside of their husband's. I applaud women (and men) who follow their own instincts and don't do something because society thinks they should.


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    #100
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,805 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    stefanovich wrote:
    Sometimes there's a lot of wisdom in tradition. For instance, this idea of both parents working... We end up with children who are brought up by childminders while both parents work on depressed wages. Surely not good for the child or society.


    Funnily, or not so funnily enough, many if not most homes require both parents working, in order to run a home, it isnt necessarily a need, but more a must. The increase in the amount of people working doesn't always lead to the depressing of wages, more complex factors are generally at play


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    #101
    mvl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,229 ✭✭✭mvl


    having in mind that divorce is a reality, it sounds to me just one of the options would be easier if divorce happens.
    anyone considering that when they decide what to do about the surname change ?


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    #102
    stefanovich
    Registered Users Posts: 5,490 ✭✭✭stefanovich


    mvl wrote: »
    having in mind that divorce is a reality, it sounds to me just one of the options would be easier if divorce happens.
    anyone considering that when they decide what to do about the surname change ?

    Yes, all signs of "progress".


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    #103
    stefanovich
    Registered Users Posts: 5,490 ✭✭✭stefanovich


    Wanderer78 wrote: »
    Funnily, or not so funnily enough, many if not most homes require both parents working, in order to run a home, it isnt necessarily a need, but more a must. The increase in the amount of people working doesn't always lead to the depressing of wages, more complex factors are generally at play

    High taxes, less take home pay, both parents working. In the struggle for equality did those women who want to stay at home and look after their children get sidelined? Did feminism get infected with socialist rot?


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    #104
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,805 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    stefanovich wrote: »
    High taxes, less take home pay, both parents working. In the struggle for equality did those women who want to stay at home and look after their children get sidelined? Did feminism get infected with socialist rot?

    you ll actually find the implementation of policies such as the de-regulation of the financial sector, allowing the sector to create credit more easily, and the implementation of certain free trade agreements, played a much bigger part in creating our current outcomes. taxation is certainly playing its part, but many of these polices have moved more towards the taxation of labour, and less taxation on capital. these outcomes arent purely due to 'big bad government', but more so due to the complex interactions of both state and non state bodies/institutions etc etc

    socialist rot? :rolleyes: ah no, id say its more to do with neoliberial/neoclassical ideology tbh


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    #105
    Stoner
    Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 10,952 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stoner


    redcuppatea wrote:
    Option 2 is very popular but is complicated if there are children in the future because we will want to have the same name of them and be a family unit.


    This is what we did. It's not complicated at all and is no big deal.

    We thought it would be but it's not.

    The single issue was once my wife took my son on a holiday and needed a letter from me saying it was ok etc. She never needed the letter.

    People make a big deal about this but it's honestly nothing.

    I'd take my wife's name rather than blend ours.

    What happens when all these double barrel length named people get married in 15 years.

    It's nowhere near the issue people think it would be.


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    #106
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    stefanovich wrote: »
    I question some people's motives. I know when my wife took my name she did so happily and without question. I know many men would feel that they were not fully accepted if the woman insisted on keeping her own name. I see it as another step at chipping away at the family unit for the sake of the good fight against patriarchy.

    How on earth is it "chipping away at the family unit" to keep your name? I think you are being a bit ridiculous now. You and your wife might share a name but that is not what makes a family and you know it.

    Please respect choice and stop insulting those of us who don't feel the need to follow tradition. Having a different surname to my husband does not lessen our bond or commitment to each other.


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    #107
    BarryD2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,732 ✭✭✭BarryD2


    redcuppatea wrote: »
    I'm getting married soon and we are trying to figure out what to do with our surnames.

    These are some of the options:
    1. Wife takes Husbands name
    2. Wife keeps own name, Husband keeps own name

    1 or 2 and stick with it consistently. Another poster mentioned using family name in some situations and married name in others. Sounds like a recipe for confusion and bureaucratic difficulty.

    In our case, my wife kept her family name and that's grand. Perfectly logical and fine. Our children have my family name as surname. It could logically be the other way. From time to time, they experimented with using my wife's family name but just found it awkward - for example one opened a bank account using mother's name and then had to supply documents in my name and it was just a lot of hassle.

    Know one family where alternate children have father's / mother's family names - grand for them but quite confusing even for friends & neighbours trying to remember which is which! So one is Paddy X and the next is Mary Y and the next Joe X and so on.....

    Finally and this may seem irrelevant now but for anyone in some future generation trying to understand their family ancestors, keeping it as simple as possible will make it a lot simpler. The idea of marrying someone and blending names to create some new one would be utterly confusing, unless it was well documented.


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    #108
    stefanovich
    Registered Users Posts: 5,490 ✭✭✭stefanovich


    eviltwin wrote: »
    How on earth is it "chipping away at the family unit" to keep your name? I think you are being a bit ridiculous now. You and your wife might share a name but that is not what makes a family and you know it.

    Please respect choice and stop insulting those of us who don't feel the need to follow tradition. Having a different surname to my husband does not lessen our bond or commitment to each other.

    I am not insulting you. I just have a different opinion. If you and your husband are happy then fine. I just think most men go along with it for peace and quiet more than anything.


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    #109
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    stefanovich wrote: »
    I am not insulting you. I just have a different opinion. If you and your husband are happy then fine. I just think most men go along with it for peace and quiet more than anything.

    Just shows how little you know about other men


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    #110
    salmocab
    Registered Users Posts: 11,283 ✭✭✭✭salmocab


    stefanovich wrote: »
    I am not insulting you. I just have a different opinion. If you and your husband are happy then fine. I just think most men go along with it for peace and quiet more than anything.

    Go along with it? Why would we care if they change their names? Changing your name is a very odd thing to do. I regularly call my wife and some of my friends wives by their surnames. But only their maiden ones, I couldn’t even tell you if any of them have changed their names bar one who is a teacher and said it wasn’t worth the hassle.


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    #111
    stefanovich
    Registered Users Posts: 5,490 ✭✭✭stefanovich


    salmocab wrote: »
    Go along with it? Why would we care if they change their names? Changing your name is a very odd thing to do. I regularly call my wife and some of my friends wives by their surnames. But only their maiden ones, I couldn’t even tell you if any of them have changed their names bar one who is a teacher and said it wasn’t worth the hassle.

    How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.


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    #112
    BarryD2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,732 ✭✭✭BarryD2


    stefanovich wrote: »
    How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

    Changing times, move with it :) Agreed it can be confusing when some women prefer to change and others don't. Unless you know the couple well, addressing something like a post card is a bit of a lottery. As mentioned, my wife keeps her own family name for many years now but still is a touch miffed when a card comes addressed to Mr & Mrs xyx. Mind you, it also works the other way and her friends will sometimes assume that my surname is same as hers and call me that - couldn't care less though.


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    #113
    Nobelium
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,093 ✭✭✭Nobelium


    what surname/family name do you use for the kids in this situation ?


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    #114
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    stefanovich wrote: »
    How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

    There were a lot of things women were expected to do after marriage, they didn't really have much of a choice.

    Society is constantly evolving. Marriage and relationships don't have to follow a prescribed path anymore and we are no longer confined by tradition and that's a good thing.


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    #115
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    wife kept her name, couldnt have cared less.

    no kids but if pushed id guess theyd use mine

    double barrel idea gives me hives. guy taking her name is performative rubbish.

    never heard of merging/melding. jesus christ kill me now.


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    #116
    Nobelium
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,093 ✭✭✭Nobelium


    Deleted User wrote: »

    no kids but if pushed id guess theyd use mine

    double barrel idea gives me hives. guy taking her name is performative rubbish.

    .

    what if your wife disagrees and wants the children to use a different family name ?


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    #117
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    stefanovich, your most recent post falls well below the standard of contribution we require on this forum, and on the site in general. I have deleted it.

    Do not post in this thread again.


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    #118
    facehugger99
    Registered Users Posts: 7,215 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    I don't even remember discussing it with my wife TBH. I just would have presumed she was keeping her own name.

    She did.


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    #119
    Nobelium
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,093 ✭✭✭Nobelium


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Having a different surname to my husband does not lessen our bond or commitment to each other.

    Agreed. Did you take your father's family name, your mother's or both ?


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    #120
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Nobelium wrote: »
    what if your wife disagrees and wants the children to use a different family name ?

    would probably go with that if she felt strongly about it

    theoretical situation but i couldnt see us having a major issue either way. i mean we're married, we get on quite well like.


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    #121
    salmocab
    Registered Users Posts: 11,283 ✭✭✭✭salmocab


    stefanovich wrote: »
    How is it very odd? Every woman who got married in this country up till recently did so.

    Well that’s just not true, it’s a fairly new thing, it only started after the English turned up. In the grand scheme changing your name is the new thing.
    It’s odd because people have a name for maybe 35 odd years and then suddenly have a different name. I wouldn’t for a second consider changing my name and don’t see why anyone would, if they want to I don’t care but don’t see the point.


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