Bought a house mother isn’t well

Newjob1 · 27-04-2019 9:59pm #1

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start with this but I’ll give it a go.

So myself and my partner have bought a house, we haven’t moved in just yet should have the key next week.

I am 35, lived at home all my life. Over the past 5 years my mother has not been well through some minor illnesses and mostly know mental health.

My dad has been in and out of hospital but they are only in their late 60’s and still young.

However they place a lot on me, I know this sounds crazy but I am made feel guilty from a young age in my 20s if I went out at the wends with friends etc for leaving mam on her own. Then I met a partner and been together a long time and bought a house. My mother keeps asking me and begging me not to move out and stay longer...... she doesn’t leave the house and my dad is no help. She said she won’t know what she will do if I leave.

I am under severe stress and worry over it all and I have an awful guilt about moving out. I feel like I can’t live my life. Over the last while she rings me in work, or if I’m out with my partner asking for me to bring her own silly things just to come home!

I tried to get the GP involved as I don’t think she’s well but that didn’t materialize for different reasons.

I am at my wits end, am I mad at 35 to be worrying like this, probably part of this is my own fault for living at home for so long which was great to be honest not having to pay rent etc.

I just feel it’s really getting to me and it’s worrying me what might happen when I do move out.

She asked me this week can she move in with us.

There’s more but I would be here forever.

Thanks

Kidchameleon · 27-04-2019 10:20pm

What does your partner think of this? You have got to fly from the nest, your parents will adapt. They are adults. Part of the problem is you yourself, you have to let go. It will take huge strength due to the fact that it has been an extended living at home situation. Do not under any circumstances consider having your mam live with you.

Newjob1 · 27-04-2019 11:05pm

Thanks for the reply.

My partner thinks it will be difficult all for everyone all around but I will have to pull back a lot. I know I will, easier said than done. I get 4-5 calls a day at work from her asking me to bring home something or get something.

She keeps saying she’s sick, always looking for tests after tests and nothing is ever picked up. Incidentally this sickness had picked up more since I said we bought a house.

She also said she won’t live anymore and she can’t cope if I move out. That’s what’s the difficult part, and I would feel awful then if something happens....

I will be moving into our new house one way or another but I’d like it to be better, I can’t talk about the new house at home or discuss buying things for it as she gets upset and says don’t talk about it and your not moving out yet.....

Kidchameleon wrote: »

What does your partner think of this? You have got to fly from the nest, your parents will adapt. They are adults. Part of the problem is you yourself, you have to let go. It will take huge strength due to the fact that it has been an extended living at home situation. Do not under any circumstances consider having your mam live with you.

qwerty13 · 27-04-2019 11:26pm

That’s a horrible situation to be in (stating the obvious, I know). Your mother is asking you to basically sacrifice everything for her happiness. If you don’t do something about it though, you are going to wind up in a ball of stress, and put your own relationship and happiness at risk.

I think your mother is behaving incredibly unfairly towards you. Do you have any siblings? Any family nearby?

You have to stop answering the phone to her every time she calls. You have to put down some rules - tell her you got given out to in work re the number of personal phone calls, and that she can ring you at lunchtime only.

And cut out the pretext of her looking for you to bring home whatever messages she wants by doing a big weekly shop with her (preferably online).

Does she physically need help? Or is the issue her mental state? And what about your dad, does he physically need help? Could they afford to get someone in for an hour or two in the mornings, to set them up for the day? That’s a pricey solution though.

yaya* · 27-04-2019 11:36pm

From what you’ve said here, you are pretty much her whole world. In that context I can understand her fears and anxieties about you moving out, particularly if she has mental health issues already.
She needs to widen her social circle so that you are not the only person she relies on-does she have any other family /friends nearby?
Ideally, she needs to create a strong weekly routine (eg “on Monday I go to bridge with Jane, on Tuesday I meet Elaine for a walk and I do my aerobics class” etc) I know that you cannot do this for her but maybe through the GP?
My own mum went through something similar, although her mental health deteriorated to the extent that she became involved with local mental health teams and they were excellent-they really encouraged her to create plans for her week, got her back in college etc. It’s vital.
Either way, you have to move out-she will do none of the above if you stay in the family home but with a bit of guidance, the above is possible.

lulu1 · 28-04-2019 12:23am

OP I dont think your mother is being fair on you at all. She is only thinking of herself and I have to say that you are not helping the situation by jumping to attention everytime she speaks.

I would tell her fair and square that you and your partner are moving in to your new house and that's that . If she continues with this carry on it will end up destroying your relationship with your partner and you will be the loser

OP if you are wise do not let her move in

In saying all that my youngest daughter is going to collage this year and I am dreading it but no way would I ask her to put her life on hold for me

Big Bag of Chips · 28-04-2019 9:03am

Contact the local public health nurse. Ask them are there any supports that could be put in place. You could also contact a home help provider and see if there's something that could he done for a couple of hours a week. If your mam refuses any of these things then you know it's not they she actually does need help, it's just that she wants to hold you to ransom.

I would start missing the odd call. Or cut her off and send a text "can't talk, will call you later". If you are out with your partner do not answer the phone to her. You know its only a ruse to get you home.

I take it you are an only child? That makes things very difficult because you do take on full responsibility, but your parents are being very very unfair. You need to live your own life. Your partner deserves a peaceful life with you. You can't cut your parents off completely, but you do need to retrain them. Be less available. Let the odd call go missed. If she asks you to bring something home, tell her you will but you will be delayed home because of work/plans etc so will see her later. And then don't answer calls again.

Your mother is in a very bad habit. She's nervous and worried but she's worrying about nothing. What you are doing is a very normal progression for anyone. She's been spoilt by having you at her beck and call. That was fine for a while, but now things are changing.

Don't let her wallow. Don't let her dwell on the conversation over and over. Definitely contact the PHN and ask about what might be available to her. There is possibly a community mental health nurse who would be able to visit or offer suggestions of groups. Your mother mightn't be too keen, but you do need to be less available to her. It would do her the world of good.

Edit: if your mother is genuinely unwell, then she needs, and indeed is entitled to some help and supports. If she's not unwell then there's no need for her to be so dependent on you.

wiggle16 · 28-04-2019 5:54pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Edit: if your mother is genuinely unwell, then she needs, and indeed is entitled to some help and supports. If she's not unwell then there's no need for her to be so dependent on you.

^^^ this sums it up.

In either case, there is no reason for you to either stay at home or to allow her to come live with you. There is a difference between someone who is old and frail and cannot care for themselves, and someone who is choosing to be dependent on you. Your mother is the latter. You wouldn't be posting here OP if she wasn't.

I take the point about your mother's health, but at the end of the day you are not at home and in the house twenty four hours a day, waiting on her hand and foot. She gets on fine when you're not there, because she is capable of fending for herself.

It's completely understandable that she would be apprehensive about you moving out seeing how you have lived there for 35 years, but this is a step beyond that. Your mother is in her late 60s and is having you run messages for her and now floating the idea of moving in with you - OP, a woman I worked with for many years in a supermarket is retiring next month. She's 68.

You need to be firm about this, your mother is being incredibly selfish. If your mother needs supports, they are available - if she won't avail of them, she doesn't need them and therefore she doesn't need you.

Abba987 · 28-04-2019 6:11pm

Go now. Honestly don't hold back. She will get over it. She is being extremely selfish

December2012 · 28-04-2019 8:34pm

Does she have a bad marriage?

....... · 29-04-2019 9:11am

What was your mother doing at 35 years of age?

Was she living her own live or being someones constant support? I bet she was living her own life?

You really need to push through here and do your own thing, you have given enough of your life (and most of your fertility) over to her. She will fight change but you must stay strong.

Ultimately you are no use to anyone else unless you yourself are in a good place, and if you stay or give in to your mothers over dependency then you will end up destroying your own mental health for her.

Her behaviour is extremely unfair. She may not be happy in her own life but you are not there to make her happy. She needs to develop her own interests and things to be doing without you.

I would STRONGLY advise you speak to someone, a counseller, therapist etc because you ARE going to feel guilty moving on and you need support for that.

seamus · 29-04-2019 10:33am

Nothing to add to the excellent posts above except to repeat that you must not, under any circumstances, move her into your home.

A physically ill dependent is one thing. They will remain a source of joy and company in a home. Her mental illness will rip the soul out of your home and sooner or later cause your relationship to end.

If it comes to the point where she needs extra care, pay someone else to do it, even if you risk going broke.

jimmycrackcorm · 29-04-2019 11:07am

I think you'd be surprised at how well your mother will manage when she has to on her own.

It's not as if she is completely incapable not that that you'll never see her out be in a position to help her or visit.

But if she moves in with you and your partner then it will destroy your relationship because her dependency will gravitate also to your OH which will cause friction.

LirW · 29-04-2019 11:25am

My father and his parents have a dynamic like that, they went to an even further extend to keep him on the short leash. My father is in his 50s, he lives in the same estate because his parents basically bought him his apartment, they heavily interfere in every relationship he has and guilt him into insanity.
This is a very unhealthy dynamic and he never managed to break out if it; now that they're getting genuinely old and frail it's all at the tipping point.

Please talk to a therapist, for the sake of your own peaceful life and for your partner's sake. That's one of the things that can break up marriages if you do not make your position clear.
Also talk to the PHN and tell her exactly what you told us here. This is not an easy situation and can potentially wreck havoc in your private life. You need to get strong support for yourself into place first and then make a move to detach yourself from this dependency.

I wish you all the best!

Emme · 29-04-2019 12:19pm

OP have you any siblings?

I am imploring you, please get out, do not listen to your mother's entreaties or let your father guilt trip you into hanging around. Otherwise you will find yourself in your 50s or 60s with both parents still alive but more than likely dependent on you.

Do not let her move in with you! Why can't she stay with your father?

Block her number on your phone. She will still be able to leave messages. You will see when she has called and you can call her when it suits you.

It's amazing how some people who are in and out of hospital their whole lives for relatively minor ailments can live into their 80s, 90s and even to be 100. All the while sucking the life out of much younger family members which they often outlive.

You are entitled to a life. You are entitled to put yourself and your partner first. You are entitled to have children with him and put them first when the time comes.

Your mother will be fine. When you move out there might be a few health scares where she and your father end up in A&E but more than likely they will be fine. If they do end up in A&E after you move out DON'T run to their side if you don't want to be tied down forever.

I am not overdramatising. I have been there, done that and am still wearing the t-shirt with 2 millstones around my neck dragging me down and holding me back in every way. I feel terribly disrespectful writing that but it is the reality.

Get out and live your life. It is your right. I wish I had done it.

Neyite · 29-04-2019 1:00pm

Can't add to the excellent suggestions but you must not feel guilty at all. She's not old, she hasn't any serious health diagnoses, and really any indulging in her is enabling her learned helplessness.

You might be surprised at how well she gets on when you aren't around, and your dad might have to step up and help out. They are adults same as you, and they just have to adjust.

But do NOT feel guilty. The vast majority of parents want their children to thrive, and do the things that you are doing. They don't want to be a burden to their kids.

Say a firm NO to her moving in - she HAS her own house, and isn't medically incapacitated so doesn't NEED care. I think you also need to make it clear that even if she needed a home carer that you would still not be moving her in with you at this point.

okiss · 01-05-2019 11:00pm

It time for you to realise that your entitled to your own life. Your mother can not move in with you as it will end your relationship. When she feels she is losing her control on you she "gets sick". She has has medical tests and their is nothing wrong with her.
She now acting like a bold child because she is not getting her way.
You are moving in to your own home with your partner. This should be a happy time in your life but her behaviour is making your guilty and unhappy.

My advice is that you now need to set boundaries with her. Tell her that she can only ring you at lunch time. If she continues to ring you several times a day get a whistle and blow down the phone every time she rings. Get some one who knows her say a friend of her own age or say her sister and have a chat with them about what your mother is like since she heard you brought the house and has now realized your moving out. She won't listen to you but another person can tell her to cop herself on because otherwise you will cut off contact with her.

Your mother needs to realise that your entitled to your own life. She needs to make her own life better. She needs to start getting involved with say with an active retirement group or some clubs. She is only in her 60's. It's important for her to do this because it will help make friends, give her something to do or look forward to.
I know several woman whose husbands died and they were glad of their friends at this time.

I know someone who was in a similar position to you. Rather than set boundaries with her own mother she always put mammy first. She always did what mammy wanted. She ended a serious relationship with a nice man because mammy did not like him or his family.
Now in her late 40's and she never got married or had a family. She nursed one parent before they died and is now minding another one in poor health.

I am telling you the above in the hope you don't give in to your mother because long term it won't make you happy. It won't give you the life you deserve.

Heckler · 03-05-2019 1:45pm

Its a tough situation. I stayed at home till I was 32 as my father wasn't well but eventually figured I had to fly the nest. I'd signed the rental agreement on a place literally the night he died. As I was sitting with the landlord I got a call to go to the hospital but he'd passed. My siblings had flown the nest by then.

I felt like a ****bag moving out and leaving my mum 2 weeks after but she's a fiercely strong, independant woman and she coped fine.

Ironically enough I now find myself living back with her after my whole marriage thing went south. Shes in great health for an 86 year old, very active, mind is sharp as a razor but after leaving her down before I can't do it again so am going to stay where I am come what will.

Unanimous · 03-05-2019 9:21pm

Newjob1 wrote: »

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start with this but I’ll give it a go.

So myself and my partner have bought a house, we haven’t moved in just yet should have the key next week.

I am 35, lived at home all my life. Over the past 5 years my mother has not been well through some minor illnesses and mostly know mental health.

My dad has been in and out of hospital but they are only in their late 60’s and still young.

However they place a lot on me, I know this sounds crazy but I am made feel guilty from a young age in my 20s if I went out at the wends with friends etc for leaving mam on her own. Then I met a partner and been together a long time and bought a house. My mother keeps asking me and begging me not to move out and stay longer...... she doesn’t leave the house and my dad is no help. She said she won’t know what she will do if I leave.

I am under severe stress and worry over it all and I have an awful guilt about moving out. I feel like I can’t live my life. Over the last while she rings me in work, or if I’m out with my partner asking for me to bring her own silly things just to come home!

I tried to get the GP involved as I don’t think she’s well but that didn’t materialize for different reasons.

I am at my wits end, am I mad at 35 to be worrying like this, probably part of this is my own fault for living at home for so long which was great to be honest not having to pay rent etc.

I just feel it’s really getting to me and it’s worrying me what might happen when I do move out.

She asked me this week can she move in with us.

There’s more but I would be here forever.

Thanks

try to think of the fact that if her mum did same to her, she wont be in a marriage /have a husband or kids.
Some people can be so selfish to the point where they ruin other people's lives.
She needs to employ a carer.
Stop letting her manipulate you.
I know you may feel guilty if anything happens to her but the truth is that she has chosen to sink herself so low so that you can come to her aid. thats what gives her joy.
unfortunately, that can not be all there is to your life.
She has had a life and wants to prevent you from having one.
Its up to you to let her have her way and not feel guilty or do what is fair in this case.
All the best as this is a tough one

Newjob1 · 28-05-2019 8:06pm

Thanks for all the replies.

Just an update.

We got the keys to our new home two weeks ago and still haven’t moved in.

We stayed in the house last weekend and my mother was ringing non stop and saying she can’t cope on her own. She said she’s so lonely!

It’s starting to Caus arguments between my partner and I. Anytime I say we are planning on staying over in our house to do work she acts up. She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it. I am at my wits end, I actually getting very depressed over it all and feel under enormous pressure.

Do I just walk away and leave it or how do I approach her on this. I am really lost. I feel really upset, it was meant to be the happiest day of our lives getting the key but it has just been one big disaster so far!

listermint · 28-05-2019 8:09pm

Your going to have to brave about this and basically tell here in no uncertain fashion to f off.

It may come to you being blunt.

You've been eating around the edge of this issue and she is taking you for a push over.

The longer you go about it this way then you will destroy the partnership you have with your other half.

wiggle16 · 28-05-2019 8:11pm

You pack your bag, toothbrush and charger and move into your new home with your partner. Tonight.

You don't need her permission. This is naked emotional blackmail. She has no need to feel lonely. She is not alone in the house. Your father is there with her.

Don't waste another minute pandering to her. I would put money on it that she knows this is causing friction between you and your partner.

Stay there tonight. She needs to see that the world will not collapse in on her just because you have been gone for more then 24 hours.

Newjob1 · 28-05-2019 8:16pm

Thanks guys.

I know what I have to do, just wish the circumstances were different. My partners parents have been the total opposite. Since I came back after staying over she was in really bad form with me and I took the rest of this week off to stay over in the house to paint and clean it up. She went crazy when I told her I was planning on doing this. My partner thinks it’s all a deliberate attempt to break us up.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-05-2019 8:28pm

It'd help if you tell your mother less about your plans and present your decisions to her as a done deal. Then don't answer all her calls. I don't think telling her to fck off is a good strategy. It's needlessly aggressive, especially given her issues. Establishing boundaries is more important here.

I agree with Wiggle. If you can at all, go sleep in your house tonight. Pack your bag and tell your mother where you're going at the last moment. "I'm off to stay in the house tonight. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye". Then turn your phone off.

wiggle16 · 28-05-2019 8:29pm

Newjob1 wrote: »

Thanks guys.

I know what I have to do, just wish the circumstances were different. My partners parents have been the total opposite. Since I came back after staying over she was in really bad form with me and I took the rest of this week off to stay over in the house to paint and clean it up. She went crazy when I told her I was planning on doing this. My partner thinks it’s all a deliberate attempt to break us up.

I think your partner is bang on the money. Even if it's not deliberate I doubt she would lose any sleep over it if yous did start having problems because of this.

She sounds like she needs counselling of some sort. I'm not being theatrical about it in saying that. This kind of behaviour from a parent is not normal, at all. If you feel like you are being mean or cruel, you're not, you're feeling that way because she is deliberately eliciting that response and knows how best to do it - because that's what makes you stay.

Call your partner and tell them you two are staying there tonight. Put your phone on silent or on flight mode and leave it that way til tomorrow. Don't feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong.

GarIT · 28-05-2019 8:36pm

Newjob1 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Just an update.

We got the keys to our new home two weeks ago and still haven’t moved in.

We stayed in the house last weekend and my mother was ringing non stop and saying she can’t cope on her own. She said she’s so lonely!

It’s starting to Caus arguments between my partner and I. Anytime I say we are planning on staying over in our house to do work she acts up. She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it. I am at my wits end, I actually getting very depressed over it all and feel under enormous pressure.

Do I just walk away and leave it or how do I approach her on this. I am really lost. I feel really upset, it was meant to be the happiest day of our lives getting the key but it has just been one big disaster so far!

Set up do not disturb on you phone during working hours and after 9 pm until the morning every night. You don't seem to have bad intentions but you are being an asshole to your partner. She has a right to you're undistracted attention for at least a few evenings and a weekend day each week.

Zorya · 28-05-2019 8:54pm

Sounds awful. Sounds like she has a personality disorder. Move out and move on. Parents should want the very best for their children, not be like this. You are being manipulated. Save yourself. Best of luck in your new home.

SirChenjin · 28-05-2019 9:52pm

She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it.

That won't happen.
As others have advised, move now asap and turn off your phone on a regular basis. It won't be easy on you, you have already said it is causing you to feel depressed.

Reach out for whatever help you need to get you through it. It could potentially destroy your relationship if she is allowed to continue to behave as she is doing. You have to look out for yourself now, your own health and your own relationship.

GarIT · 28-05-2019 10:44pm

You need to choose now, whenever you read this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner or your mother? You can only pick one.

qwerty13 · 28-05-2019 10:56pm

My take would be that you don’t need to pick either your mother or your partner - but you have been totally prioritising your mother, and going along with she wants, with only the leftovers of your time and attention for your partner.

If you don’t change that balance to the other way around, I’m sorry but you’re going to lose your partner. You need to prioritise your partner NOW, before it’s too late. Tbh it sounds like things are getting to the crunch point with your partner.

I know it’s a crap situation to be in, but you either prioritise your partner - or else lose them, and end up being your mother’s slave for the rest of her life. Cos if she succeeds in ruining this relationship, she’ll know she can scupper any future relationships you have.

I really feel for you. But this is the rest of your life! Don’t throw it away.

PS: just because she doesn’t feel happy doesn’t give her a free pass to take over your life to make herself feel better. I’ve known friends with terminally ill parents who are far more selfless than your mother.

tcif · 29-05-2019 8:17am

We all only get the one life to live. You have a partner you love, you've bought a house and are ready to move in together to make a home and a future and all this is how it should be. It's what your mother did in her own day too so you should not under any circumstances feel guilty for just wanting the normal progression of life. Do not let this opportunity pass you by, OP, you will regret it. As other posters have said, pack your bags and move in with your partner. Do not feel guilty about it, you're not doing anything wrong in any way in wanting a life for yourself.

ManOfMystery · 29-05-2019 9:24am

Your mother is being incredibly selfish. She has had her life (and continues to have it) to live as she sees fit - she got married, she had a child, she got her own house, etc. She is not allowing you that same fundamental freedom which all parents should give their children.

She is being ridiculously possessive of your time and attention, and by causing issues with your partner this will only end one way - badly.

It is highly unlikely that she will suddenly 'see the light' and do a U-turn in terms of her behaviour. So the onus is on you to stop enabling her behaviour and change this situation. The softly-softly approach obviously hasn't worked, so it's time for some home truths. You need to make it explicitly clear to her that you have your own life to live, and that doesn't mean cutting her out of it, but if she continues behaving selfishly then you're going to have to distance yourself from her.

What you do now will set a precedent going forward. Give in to her behaviour and continue to enable it, then you are unlikely to ever be able to commit to a relationship properly or enjoy your own liberty. She will only get worse as she gets older and more dependent on you - it's now or never.

I feel sorry for your partner tbh, this should all have been dealt with already so you could both enjoy your house move - which is a stressful enough thing for most people without this added pressure.

....... · 29-05-2019 9:39am

Newjob1 wrote: »

She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it.

This is just an open ended delaying tactic, there is no point in time where she will actually come around to it.

I agree with all the other advice given about simply getting on with it, putting your phone on silent, flight mode etc...

However, you can expect her to escalate - so do not be surprised if some potentially serious medical condition is now suspected and lots of attention given to it with vocalised fears about becoming disabled or facing death etc... This may end up giving way to threats of cutting you off from your inheritance after she dies.

Its all just about manipulating you and forcing you to listen.

Just get on with your life, its toxic and fundamentally there is nothing you can do to change her.

baby and crumble · 29-05-2019 9:59am

I can understand your bind, OP, but you need to stop asking permission from your mother to live your life, as that's essentially what you're doing. By telling her you plan to do xyz, you're giving her the option of trying to change your mind. Don't give her that option.

Like others have said, simply tell her the plans, tell your Dad the plans, and follow through. My partners family is similar to yours in that they rely heavily on her. Now, there's lots of people with disabilities in her family so I'm a lot more patient about it than I would be otherwise, obviously. But there are times when we're trying to have an nice evening and she'll get multiple phonecalls for honestly no reason. She's started to let some go to voicemail which helps because, 9/10 times it's actually not an important enough issue to warrant a phonecall. it still does cause friction in our relationship though, and we're together a long time.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-05-2019 1:18pm

Is the house habitable? Other than a bit of painting and decorating is it ready to move in to? If it is, then move. Today.

Buying your first house is a huge step for a couple. It is the most exciting and the most terrifying thing you will do! You should be excited about starting your life together. When my husband and I bought our first house we got the keys from the solicitor and got a taxi (neither of us drove at that point) with a rucksack and a black sack of our belongings and we moved in that day.
We had no curtains, a blow up airbed and 2 cups!

The longer you placate your mother the more she will expect from you. She's not helpless. She's not invalided. She has the ability to go about her life. But she wants to monopolise you. If you continue to appease her you will end up driving your partner away. Or he will end up moving in to your house, alone.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But your only choice is continue on as you are, or change.

stargazer 68 · 29-05-2019 4:10pm

OP as someone else said you are being very unfair to your partner. They went into this purchase of a home for the two of you expecting just that - a home for you both! You are paying a mortgage - albeit only recently - for a property you are afraid to move into because of your mother. You don't need her permission to move into your own house you are an adult.

As Big Bag says if the house is habitable and you can live there while you work on it then get packing. You didn't buy overnight so your mother has had plenty of time to get used to it, she just doesn't want to.

The alternative is to let your partner move into your new home alone while you stay with mammy - is that what you want?

Big Bag of Chips · 29-05-2019 7:48pm

I just want to reiterate what people are saying about your partner. This is one of the biggest moments in his life. The purchase of his home. What he hopes will become his family home with you. And it is being completely tainted by your mother's carry on.

What do you actually want to happen?
You absolutely cannot change your mother, so wishing she was different isn't an option.
What do you want? For yourself, and for you both as a couple?

Zorya · 29-05-2019 8:18pm

What .......... said about expecting her to escalate is very important. It's almost certain to happen. Big dramatics. Don't back down. Even onto death. Otherwise you will never own your life. My sisters and I all had to make clean breaks with our mother. Eventually one comes back but one is always wary. First hint of crap and we drop her. Amazingly it works a lot better than being nice and we all get along reasonably well. Sorry it had to be like this for you, it's always nicer if one gets a loving Mam, but c'est la vie, eh. Rough seas strong sailors and all that

Wesser · 30-05-2019 6:03pm

your mother has a personality disorder. it will never be cured. you need to move out and let her at it. stop answering your phone.

LolaJJ · 31-05-2019 11:36am

Hey OP,

I moved out of home a good while ago but lived locally and was single for about 4 years, checked in on them a lot, in the last 12 months my only sibling (who wasn't aoround to them much anyway) emigrated with her partner and I moved in with my partner, we now live 45 mins away, I see them a good bit over the weekends but they lay on the guilt. My mum does it in a "Oh we know you are busy and we understand you have a partner and have to live your own life" - or "Are you too busy to see us this weekend?" Like, the only weekends I haven't seen them are when I have been abroad!!!! it's pretty passive-agressive. And it makes me feel terrible.....but then I think about myself and how much I do for them even though I might not have the physical hours to spend there. I call them every day and every weekend I always plan to bring them somewhere either just me by myself or me and my partner. They get a lot more than most their friends or neighbours who are the same age.

It's a personal choice but you and your partner might want to have children in the future, your parents will then need to accept that your time will be very limited, as theres was when you were small.

Perhaps it's about slotting in quality time with them, or just your mum, making sure she feels like she's being made a fuss of in the time that you do get to spend together.

If you are anything like me youfind it difficult to shake it off but you have to rationalise that you are entitled to a life and independence as much as she/they are. She's done well to have you home as long as she did, so, she could me a bit more appreciative.

JustAThought · 03-06-2019 12:02pm

Whatever you do, do not under any threat of disaster or emotional crying give your mother, or father a key.

You have been extremely quiet in all this about your father. Where is he in supporting you in all this and where is he in managing his wife and her treatment of you in all this.there is clearly something wrong that your mother clings to you and has no other outlet. Can he not manage to take her out, orgamise a few day trips away etc to stop her endless pestering of you.

Clearly she has overinvested in you as her confidant and saviour and is emotionally needy -however you will find yoursef without a partner or in a poisoned toxic relationship of 3 if you alow her to keep this up.it is not going to.stop and you keed to adress it head on.

Tell your mother that her bahaviour is driving you away. Tell her you cannot take calls every few hours in work from her. Tell that has to timetable events to look forward to and something that will take her out every night of the week - a 2 day a week night course, a golf course for ladies, volunteering - whatever. Tell her that you love her but that she is being totally unfair.on you.

No doubt you are worried or guilty that she will say you used her from free lodgings/accommodation amd are now leaving but you have to tackle this or just take it on tye chin if she throws it at you and be firm with her. You are following the natural progression of leaving home and building your own relationship and home and she has to accept this. She is not moving in with you and nor will your father.stress thus. If she needs a home help or home carer you will work with the HSE to get one for her -she is not moving in (nor dropping in uninvited every day or night.) She has her own life to lead and will find joy and fulfillment if she chooses to . You are not to blame for her misery and unhappiness. Your cycle of life and phase of life is changing and so is hers - even if she is unwilling to accept that.

We all have parents that in one way or another guilt us and try and make us choose how they would live your life but you have chosen your life partner and where you will live. She has to accept that you are no longer the obliging kind teenager or man in his twenties and evolve her life to fit too. Under NO circumstances let her stay the night or move in. I have seen relationships utterly destroyed by this kind of thing. Do not under any circumsaltances give her or anyone who might be 'emergencied' into handing her over a key. At the bottom if it all is an Irish mother who loves her son and will do anything to keep.him - with no thought of his partner or future relationship.

Do not take money or allow her to decorate your house either. You do not want money to be in the emotional blackmail either. And that is what it is.

Been there done that. You have to find that hard streak hidden beneath many lavers and years of love and attention and apply it and be firm or you will be left with nothing.

God help.your poor partner in this. It must be a living nightmare for them.

In my extended family I have seen two moving in and marriages destroyed by exactly this behaviour - by women who wouod not accept that their sins now had women that weere their jumber one above their mother and by sons moving out. Both tried for years to negotiate and appease both mothers and partners and both are now destroyed marriages . Do not let this happen to you. It should be the happiest day of your life and a joyful start to your new life together but instead you mother has made it all about her and ruined it. Say this to her. Let her know how selfish she is. Tell her you will invite her when you and your oartnwr are ready and not to drop by as her behaviour and lask of respect and boundaries with this and with work is unacceptable. Then write to her doctor or mental health support by registered pist and twll them tok and ask them to build it into her treatment or resources allocation for services. There may be a group for empty nest syndromwrs or a course she can go on - if she is already attending mental health services they need to know this is going on - and do not be drawn into therapy with her either. Munschausen Syndrome & Huperchondia and emotional blackmail are not too far apart - and tgis is rwal case of your mother refusing to allow you be an independent adult and evolve in your life and life decisions. You are no doubt a kind and loving and caring son but it is now time to stand up for yourself and your partner and lifechoices and not let her emotionally backmail and coercive control you. It might do no harm for a straight up series of accusations and hrd borders being stated by you . And first take your tootbrush and pair of jocks and shirt and spend the night in your new home with your partner. Turn off your phone. No guilt. No excuses. You deserve your life, love and gappiness and a new future of joy and optimism. Not endless needyness and coercion. Take your courage, tackle her -alone - and involve your father. Might be an idea to pack your key things for work or sport in the car first! Ot will not be nice and it wil not be easy and there will be teatlrs and recriminations but you need to be strong and claim your future. Sge has alreay ruined your housepurchase and dont God knows what damage to your relationship. What woman wants a man who lets his mother trample over her happy days and control him. She may ot have said it but she is already damaging your future.the natural order of things is that you evolve, find live, move out and build your own futire. It is not that your mother becomes the needy xhild,ignores her husband and refuses to let her child evolve.

Whatever you do not not be guilted into saying you can drop over whenever you want. Do not let her guilt you into letting her stay over for any reason. And under no circumstance ls give her a key. I know someone who put in a security gate so they could not drive up and knock at the door or be camped on the doorstep or in the driveway in their car. It is a real thing. You have to take your courage and face it. Be hard. No scope for emotional balckmail. And turn off your voucemail and phone. Friends can text you . Do not let your phone be an enemy too.

Wabbit Ears · 11-06-2019 3:02pm

Have a read of these links, people like your mother are toxic narcissists. recognize them for what they are and learn how to deal with them.

For full disclosure I'm non-contact with my mother and shes not allowed near me, my wife or my kids.

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

Graces7 · 12-06-2019 12:36pm

Takes me back many years. a GP once described my mother as a "smother" .. and I knew others in the same situation.

OP leaving is NOT easy in this but needful. I stayed at home too long at home through guilt and never fully shed the guilt even now. we had lost my father to unfaithfulness etc then my only brother to an accident,

When i was "headhunted" for a great promotion far enough away that I could not stay at home?
"You are just doing it to get away from me.. I will never have any friends, never go anywhere, never go on holiday.." Not a word of WELL DONE.

It hung over me but a few years later she was out all the time, doing classes, going abroad on holidays, so many friends.

She was happier than I was..

It is never easy but?

Graces7 · 12-06-2019 12:38pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Have a read of these links, people like your mother are toxic narcissists. recognize them for what they are and learn how to deal with them.

For full disclosure I'm non-contact with my mother and shes not allowed near me, my wife or my kids.

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

I think that is harsh. Many of these folk are simply very needy and have suffered a great deal. ie reactive not wilful.

Emme · 12-06-2019 1:19pm

Graces7 wrote: »

I think that is harsh. Many of these folk are simply very needy and have suffered a great deal. ie reactive not wilful.

No way is it harsh. Unless you've been through it you won't know what it's like and even then some never escape the narcissist. Wabbit Ears is protecting their family and well done. Some people manage to escape to some degree but going full on "no contact" is very difficult, especially in a country like Ireland. There are plenty of people willing to be "Flying Monkeys" here. Flying Monkeys are the narcissists aiders and abetters, often unaware of the role in which the narcissist has set them up. Others go along willingly because the narcissist has promised them some benefit. More fool them because a narcissist's promise is worth nothing.

Yes some of these people have suffered a great deal but so what, others have suffered a great deal and they are not like that. They don't pass their suffering on 100 fold like narcissists. Guilting a child or other family member into not progressing in their own lives is a classic tactic of narcissists. Been there, done that and still wearing the bloody t-shirt. Bloody as in the metaphorical bleeding that doesn't show. Anyone who is self-aware and has narcissistic family members will understand. Narcissists are happy to destroy the lives of their children for their own benefit.

Narcissists are not all bombastic and abusive. Some are insidious covert narcissists who are very needy and often use illness as a tactic to manipulate those around them. The key trait is being manipulative.

There are 3 types of children in the narcissistic family:

1) The "Conformer" who does the bidding of the narcissist parent and doesn't see anything wrong with what they are doing and indeed may treat their own children the same way.

2) The "Rebel" who fights against all odds to live a normal life, i.e. leave home, go to college, hold down a job, move away from the family, have children of their own. If they can't go "no contact" all of this is an ongoing struggle because narcissists never give up.

3) The "Runner" who for lack of better words, gets the f*** out of Dodge, leaves home as soon as possible, often emigrates and doesn't come home. However unlike the "Rebel", they are forever running away from their issues and don't try to deal with them in a healthy way.

The OP is a rebel trying to escape. That's clear from the very first post in this thread.

OP stick to your guns and don't let your mother guilt you into staying or spending time with her at the expense of your relationship. These people never give up. Even if you do move out she may try to break up your relationship so you are forced to move back to her.

Graces7 · 12-06-2019 4:36pm

Emme wrote: »

No way is it harsh. Unless you've been through it you won't know what it's like and even then some never escape the narcissist. Wabbit Ears is protecting their family and well done. Some people manage to escape to some degree but going full on "no contact" is very difficult, especially in a country like Ireland. There are plenty of people willing to be "Flying Monkeys" here. Flying Monkeys are the narcissists aiders and abetters, often unaware of the role in which the narcissist has set them up. Others go along willingly because the narcissist has promised them some benefit. More fool them because a narcissist's promise is worth nothing.

Yes some of these people have suffered a great deal but so what, others have suffered a great deal and they are not like that. They don't pass their suffering on 100 fold like narcissists. Guilting a child or other family member into not progressing in their own lives is a classic tactic of narcissists. Been there, done that and still wearing the bloody t-shirt. Bloody as in the metaphorical bleeding that doesn't show. Anyone who is self-aware and has narcissistic family members will understand. Narcissists are happy to destroy the lives of their children for their own benefit.

Narcissists are not all bombastic and abusive. Some are insidious covert narcissists who are very needy and often use illness as a tactic to manipulate those around them. The key trait is being manipulative.

There are 3 types of children in the narcissistic family:

1) The "Conformer" who does the bidding of the narcissist parent and doesn't see anything wrong with what they are doing and indeed may treat their own children the same way.

2) The "Rebel" who fights against all odds to live a normal life, i.e. leave home, go to college, hold down a job, move away from the family, have children of their own. If they can't go "no contact" all of this is an ongoing struggle because narcissists never give up.

3) The "Runner" who for lack of better words, gets the f*** out of Dodge, leaves home as soon as possible, often emigrates and doesn't come home. However unlike the "Rebel", they are forever running away from their issues and don't try to deal with them in a healthy way.

The OP is a rebel trying to escape. That's clear from the very first post in this thread.

OP stick to your guns and don't let your mother guilt you into staying or spending time with her at the expense of your relationship. These people never give up. Even if you do move out she may try to break up your relationship so you are forced to move back to her.

I would never ever think or write about another human being in these terms, under any circumstances, let alone the woman who gave me life and who was suffering herself. I understood where she was at and rejoiced when she made new friends. I loved her dearly. The worst day in my life was IDing her in the mortuary when she was killed in a road accident,

Compassion costs nothing. And does not stop you leaving a bad situation. As I did.

Over and out from me as reading this is ....

wiggle16 · 12-06-2019 5:22pm

Mod note:

Posters are kindly reminded to have useful advice for the OP when they post.

wiggle

qwerty13 · 13-06-2019 1:28am

Graces, I understand what you’re saying. But I also understand where Emme is coming from. I don’t mean my comment as an argument to either one of you, but I have to say that my experience and current thoughts are far more in line with Emme’s.

Of course in an ideal world, it’s nicer/ better to be compassionate and forgiving, but you know what, sometimes it’s ok not to be. And very ok not to be. Sometimes it’s ok to be angry. And fed up at circumstances, and how people treat you. Being ‘family’ does not give people a get out of jail free card. Just cos your parents brought you into the world does not mean that they can treat you badly - in an obvious, or passive aggressive manner.

Sometimes harsh boundaries need to be set. And sometimes self preservation has to take priority. I do understand Graces that you’re offering advice from a kind heart; but not everyone’s circumstances lend themselves to that. It’s sad, but that’s the truth. And I think it’s ok for the OP to realise that his compassion is well on the way to overwhelming his own life, and that he urgently needs to remedy that. For his own sake.

Wabbit Ears · 13-06-2019 8:40am

Graces7 wrote: »

I think that is harsh. Many of these folk are simply very needy and have suffered a great deal. ie reactive not wilful.

Walk a mile in my childhood shoes and you'd never, ever say something that.
This is the big problem with parental emotional abuse, manuipulation and neglect, people dismissing others experiences because theirs was different.

RhubarbCrumble · 13-06-2019 3:50pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Walk a mile in my childhood shoes and you'd never, ever say something that.
This is the big problem with parental emotional abuse, manuipulation and neglect, people dismissing others experiences because theirs was different.

Well said Wabbit Ears.

I grew up in a situation which sounds very similar to yours and as an adult it has left me with a whole host of problems including anxiety, no self esteem whatsoever, massive lack of confidence, people pleaser, medical issues due to abuse and neglect etc. I could go on for days.

When you spent so much of your life being abused physically, mentally and emotionally, you end up believing that you're worth nothing and that you don't matter. That you're not important and you'll never come first in anyone's life because you're a horrible person and you don't deserve love or care.

People who haven't gone through this simply don't understand. I'm not going to get into it all her because I don't want to derail the OP's thread, but Graces7, I honestly think you're in denial.

OP, all I'll say is PLEASE put your partner first. She's the most important person in your life now. Your relationship is already having problems because of your mother. If this relationship ends and you meet someone else, then your mother will do the exact same thing again.
Put yourself and your partner first.

Paddy Cow · 13-06-2019 3:53pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Compassion costs nothing.

Compassion can cost your mental health and relationships. It's all well and good to empathise with someone but when their behaviour is having a negative affect on your life, there comes a stage where either you draw up boundaries or you end up burning out.

Op it's easy for me and others to say but we're saying it because we're not emotionally involved. What your mother is doing is wrong. You have your own life to live, just like she once did. Parents are supposed to raise their children and be happy to see them living independent lives, not become dependent on them. It's unfair the pressure and guilt she is putting on you but you have to be strong enough to put you and your family unit first. She will adjust to you not living with her, just like every other parent has.

Bought a house mother isn’t well

Comments