Bought a house mother isn’t well

Newjob1

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start with this but I’ll give it a go.

So myself and my partner have bought a house, we haven’t moved in just yet should have the key next week.

I am 35, lived at home all my life. Over the past 5 years my mother has not been well through some minor illnesses and mostly know mental health.

My dad has been in and out of hospital but they are only in their late 60’s and still young.

However they place a lot on me, I know this sounds crazy but I am made feel guilty from a young age in my 20s if I went out at the wends with friends etc for leaving mam on her own. Then I met a partner and been together a long time and bought a house. My mother keeps asking me and begging me not to move out and stay longer...... she doesn’t leave the house and my dad is no help. She said she won’t know what she will do if I leave.

I am under severe stress and worry over it all and I have an awful guilt about moving out. I feel like I can’t live my life. Over the last while she rings me in work, or if I’m out with my partner asking for me to bring her own silly things just to come home!

I tried to get the GP involved as I don’t think she’s well but that didn’t materialize for different reasons.

I am at my wits end, am I mad at 35 to be worrying like this, probably part of this is my own fault for living at home for so long which was great to be honest not having to pay rent etc.

I just feel it’s really getting to me and it’s worrying me what might happen when I do move out.

She asked me this week can she move in with us.

There’s more but I would be here forever.

Thanks

Kidchameleon

What does your partner think of this? You have got to fly from the nest, your parents will adapt. They are adults. Part of the problem is you yourself, you have to let go. It will take huge strength due to the fact that it has been an extended living at home situation. Do not under any circumstances consider having your mam live with you.

Newjob1

Thanks for the reply.

My partner thinks it will be difficult all for everyone all around but I will have to pull back a lot. I know I will, easier said than done. I get 4-5 calls a day at work from her asking me to bring home something or get something.

She keeps saying she’s sick, always looking for tests after tests and nothing is ever picked up. Incidentally this sickness had picked up more since I said we bought a house.

She also said she won’t live anymore and she can’t cope if I move out. That’s what’s the difficult part, and I would feel awful then if something happens....

I will be moving into our new house one way or another but I’d like it to be better, I can’t talk about the new house at home or discuss buying things for it as she gets upset and says don’t talk about it and your not moving out yet.....

Kidchameleon wrote: »

What does your partner think of this? You have got to fly from the nest, your parents will adapt. They are adults. Part of the problem is you yourself, you have to let go. It will take huge strength due to the fact that it has been an extended living at home situation. Do not under any circumstances consider having your mam live with you.

qwerty13

That’s a horrible situation to be in (stating the obvious, I know). Your mother is asking you to basically sacrifice everything for her happiness. If you don’t do something about it though, you are going to wind up in a ball of stress, and put your own relationship and happiness at risk.

I think your mother is behaving incredibly unfairly towards you. Do you have any siblings? Any family nearby?

You have to stop answering the phone to her every time she calls. You have to put down some rules - tell her you got given out to in work re the number of personal phone calls, and that she can ring you at lunchtime only.

And cut out the pretext of her looking for you to bring home whatever messages she wants by doing a big weekly shop with her (preferably online).

Does she physically need help? Or is the issue her mental state? And what about your dad, does he physically need help? Could they afford to get someone in for an hour or two in the mornings, to set them up for the day? That’s a pricey solution though.

yaya*

From what you’ve said here, you are pretty much her whole world. In that context I can understand her fears and anxieties about you moving out, particularly if she has mental health issues already.
She needs to widen her social circle so that you are not the only person she relies on-does she have any other family /friends nearby?
Ideally, she needs to create a strong weekly routine (eg “on Monday I go to bridge with Jane, on Tuesday I meet Elaine for a walk and I do my aerobics class” etc) I know that you cannot do this for her but maybe through the GP?
My own mum went through something similar, although her mental health deteriorated to the extent that she became involved with local mental health teams and they were excellent-they really encouraged her to create plans for her week, got her back in college etc. It’s vital.
Either way, you have to move out-she will do none of the above if you stay in the family home but with a bit of guidance, the above is possible.

lulu1

OP I dont think your mother is being fair on you at all. She is only thinking of herself and I have to say that you are not helping the situation by jumping to attention everytime she speaks.

I would tell her fair and square that you and your partner are moving in to your new house and that's that . If she continues with this carry on it will end up destroying your relationship with your partner and you will be the loser

OP if you are wise do not let her move in

In saying all that my youngest daughter is going to collage this year and I am dreading it but no way would I ask her to put her life on hold for me

Big Bag of Chips

Contact the local public health nurse. Ask them are there any supports that could be put in place. You could also contact a home help provider and see if there's something that could he done for a couple of hours a week. If your mam refuses any of these things then you know it's not they she actually does need help, it's just that she wants to hold you to ransom.

I would start missing the odd call. Or cut her off and send a text "can't talk, will call you later". If you are out with your partner do not answer the phone to her. You know its only a ruse to get you home.

I take it you are an only child? That makes things very difficult because you do take on full responsibility, but your parents are being very very unfair. You need to live your own life. Your partner deserves a peaceful life with you. You can't cut your parents off completely, but you do need to retrain them. Be less available. Let the odd call go missed. If she asks you to bring something home, tell her you will but you will be delayed home because of work/plans etc so will see her later. And then don't answer calls again.

Your mother is in a very bad habit. She's nervous and worried but she's worrying about nothing. What you are doing is a very normal progression for anyone. She's been spoilt by having you at her beck and call. That was fine for a while, but now things are changing.

Don't let her wallow. Don't let her dwell on the conversation over and over. Definitely contact the PHN and ask about what might be available to her. There is possibly a community mental health nurse who would be able to visit or offer suggestions of groups. Your mother mightn't be too keen, but you do need to be less available to her. It would do her the world of good.

Edit: if your mother is genuinely unwell, then she needs, and indeed is entitled to some help and supports. If she's not unwell then there's no need for her to be so dependent on you.

wiggle16

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Edit: if your mother is genuinely unwell, then she needs, and indeed is entitled to some help and supports. If she's not unwell then there's no need for her to be so dependent on you.

^^^ this sums it up.

In either case, there is no reason for you to either stay at home or to allow her to come live with you. There is a difference between someone who is old and frail and cannot care for themselves, and someone who is choosing to be dependent on you. Your mother is the latter. You wouldn't be posting here OP if she wasn't.

I take the point about your mother's health, but at the end of the day you are not at home and in the house twenty four hours a day, waiting on her hand and foot. She gets on fine when you're not there, because she is capable of fending for herself.

It's completely understandable that she would be apprehensive about you moving out seeing how you have lived there for 35 years, but this is a step beyond that. Your mother is in her late 60s and is having you run messages for her and now floating the idea of moving in with you - OP, a woman I worked with for many years in a supermarket is retiring next month. She's 68.

You need to be firm about this, your mother is being incredibly selfish. If your mother needs supports, they are available - if she won't avail of them, she doesn't need them and therefore she doesn't need you.

Abba987

Go now. Honestly don't hold back. She will get over it. She is being extremely selfish

December2012

Does she have a bad marriage?

.......

What was your mother doing at 35 years of age?

Was she living her own live or being someones constant support? I bet she was living her own life?

You really need to push through here and do your own thing, you have given enough of your life (and most of your fertility) over to her. She will fight change but you must stay strong.

Ultimately you are no use to anyone else unless you yourself are in a good place, and if you stay or give in to your mothers over dependency then you will end up destroying your own mental health for her.

Her behaviour is extremely unfair. She may not be happy in her own life but you are not there to make her happy. She needs to develop her own interests and things to be doing without you.

I would STRONGLY advise you speak to someone, a counseller, therapist etc because you ARE going to feel guilty moving on and you need support for that.

seamus

Nothing to add to the excellent posts above except to repeat that you must not, under any circumstances, move her into your home.

A physically ill dependent is one thing. They will remain a source of joy and company in a home. Her mental illness will rip the soul out of your home and sooner or later cause your relationship to end.

If it comes to the point where she needs extra care, pay someone else to do it, even if you risk going broke.

jimmycrackcorm

I think you'd be surprised at how well your mother will manage when she has to on her own.

It's not as if she is completely incapable not that that you'll never see her out be in a position to help her or visit.

But if she moves in with you and your partner then it will destroy your relationship because her dependency will gravitate also to your OH which will cause friction.

LirW

My father and his parents have a dynamic like that, they went to an even further extend to keep him on the short leash. My father is in his 50s, he lives in the same estate because his parents basically bought him his apartment, they heavily interfere in every relationship he has and guilt him into insanity.
This is a very unhealthy dynamic and he never managed to break out if it; now that they're getting genuinely old and frail it's all at the tipping point.

Please talk to a therapist, for the sake of your own peaceful life and for your partner's sake. That's one of the things that can break up marriages if you do not make your position clear.
Also talk to the PHN and tell her exactly what you told us here. This is not an easy situation and can potentially wreck havoc in your private life. You need to get strong support for yourself into place first and then make a move to detach yourself from this dependency.

I wish you all the best!

Emme

OP have you any siblings?

I am imploring you, please get out, do not listen to your mother's entreaties or let your father guilt trip you into hanging around. Otherwise you will find yourself in your 50s or 60s with both parents still alive but more than likely dependent on you.

Do not let her move in with you! Why can't she stay with your father?

Block her number on your phone. She will still be able to leave messages. You will see when she has called and you can call her when it suits you.

It's amazing how some people who are in and out of hospital their whole lives for relatively minor ailments can live into their 80s, 90s and even to be 100. All the while sucking the life out of much younger family members which they often outlive.

You are entitled to a life. You are entitled to put yourself and your partner first. You are entitled to have children with him and put them first when the time comes.

Your mother will be fine. When you move out there might be a few health scares where she and your father end up in A&E but more than likely they will be fine. If they do end up in A&E after you move out DON'T run to their side if you don't want to be tied down forever.

I am not overdramatising. I have been there, done that and am still wearing the t-shirt with 2 millstones around my neck dragging me down and holding me back in every way. I feel terribly disrespectful writing that but it is the reality.

Get out and live your life. It is your right. I wish I had done it.

Neyite

Can't add to the excellent suggestions but you must not feel guilty at all. She's not old, she hasn't any serious health diagnoses, and really any indulging in her is enabling her learned helplessness.



You might be surprised at how well she gets on when you aren't around, and your dad might have to step up and help out. They are adults same as you, and they just have to adjust.



But do NOT feel guilty. The vast majority of parents want their children to thrive, and do the things that you are doing. They don't want to be a burden to their kids.



Say a firm NO to her moving in - she HAS her own house, and isn't medically incapacitated so doesn't NEED care. I think you also need to make it clear that even if she needed a home carer that you would still not be moving her in with you at this point.

okiss

It time for you to realise that your entitled to your own life. Your mother can not move in with you as it will end your relationship. When she feels she is losing her control on you she "gets sick". She has has medical tests and their is nothing wrong with her.
She now acting like a bold child because she is not getting her way.
You are moving in to your own home with your partner. This should be a happy time in your life but her behaviour is making your guilty and unhappy.

My advice is that you now need to set boundaries with her. Tell her that she can only ring you at lunch time. If she continues to ring you several times a day get a whistle and blow down the phone every time she rings. Get some one who knows her say a friend of her own age or say her sister and have a chat with them about what your mother is like since she heard you brought the house and has now realized your moving out. She won't listen to you but another person can tell her to cop herself on because otherwise you will cut off contact with her.

Your mother needs to realise that your entitled to your own life. She needs to make her own life better. She needs to start getting involved with say with an active retirement group or some clubs. She is only in her 60's. It's important for her to do this because it will help make friends, give her something to do or look forward to.
I know several woman whose husbands died and they were glad of their friends at this time.

I know someone who was in a similar position to you. Rather than set boundaries with her own mother she always put mammy first. She always did what mammy wanted. She ended a serious relationship with a nice man because mammy did not like him or his family.
Now in her late 40's and she never got married or had a family. She nursed one parent before they died and is now minding another one in poor health.

I am telling you the above in the hope you don't give in to your mother because long term it won't make you happy. It won't give you the life you deserve.

Heckler

Its a tough situation. I stayed at home till I was 32 as my father wasn't well but eventually figured I had to fly the nest. I'd signed the rental agreement on a place literally the night he died. As I was sitting with the landlord I got a call to go to the hospital but he'd passed. My siblings had flown the nest by then.

I felt like a ****bag moving out and leaving my mum 2 weeks after but she's a fiercely strong, independant woman and she coped fine.

Ironically enough I now find myself living back with her after my whole marriage thing went south. Shes in great health for an 86 year old, very active, mind is sharp as a razor but after leaving her down before I can't do it again so am going to stay where I am come what will.

Unanimous

Newjob1 wrote: »

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start with this but I’ll give it a go.

So myself and my partner have bought a house, we haven’t moved in just yet should have the key next week.

I am 35, lived at home all my life. Over the past 5 years my mother has not been well through some minor illnesses and mostly know mental health.

My dad has been in and out of hospital but they are only in their late 60’s and still young.

However they place a lot on me, I know this sounds crazy but I am made feel guilty from a young age in my 20s if I went out at the wends with friends etc for leaving mam on her own. Then I met a partner and been together a long time and bought a house. My mother keeps asking me and begging me not to move out and stay longer...... she doesn’t leave the house and my dad is no help. She said she won’t know what she will do if I leave.

I am under severe stress and worry over it all and I have an awful guilt about moving out. I feel like I can’t live my life. Over the last while she rings me in work, or if I’m out with my partner asking for me to bring her own silly things just to come home!

I tried to get the GP involved as I don’t think she’s well but that didn’t materialize for different reasons.

I am at my wits end, am I mad at 35 to be worrying like this, probably part of this is my own fault for living at home for so long which was great to be honest not having to pay rent etc.

I just feel it’s really getting to me and it’s worrying me what might happen when I do move out.

She asked me this week can she move in with us.

There’s more but I would be here forever.

Thanks

try to think of the fact that if her mum did same to her, she wont be in a marriage /have a husband or kids.
Some people can be so selfish to the point where they ruin other people's lives.
She needs to employ a carer.
Stop letting her manipulate you.
I know you may feel guilty if anything happens to her but the truth is that she has chosen to sink herself so low so that you can come to her aid. thats what gives her joy.
unfortunately, that can not be all there is to your life.
She has had a life and wants to prevent you from having one.
Its up to you to let her have her way and not feel guilty or do what is fair in this case.
All the best as this is a tough one

Newjob1

Thanks for all the replies.

Just an update.

We got the keys to our new home two weeks ago and still haven’t moved in.

We stayed in the house last weekend and my mother was ringing non stop and saying she can’t cope on her own. She said she’s so lonely!

It’s starting to Caus arguments between my partner and I. Anytime I say we are planning on staying over in our house to do work she acts up. She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it. I am at my wits end, I actually getting very depressed over it all and feel under enormous pressure.

Do I just walk away and leave it or how do I approach her on this. I am really lost. I feel really upset, it was meant to be the happiest day of our lives getting the key but it has just been one big disaster so far!

listermint

Your going to have to brave about this and basically tell here in no uncertain fashion to f off.

It may come to you being blunt.

You've been eating around the edge of this issue and she is taking you for a push over.

The longer you go about it this way then you will destroy the partnership you have with your other half.

wiggle16

You pack your bag, toothbrush and charger and move into your new home with your partner. Tonight.

You don't need her permission. This is naked emotional blackmail. She has no need to feel lonely. She is not alone in the house. Your father is there with her.

Don't waste another minute pandering to her. I would put money on it that she knows this is causing friction between you and your partner.

Stay there tonight. She needs to see that the world will not collapse in on her just because you have been gone for more then 24 hours.

Newjob1

Thanks guys.

I know what I have to do, just wish the circumstances were different. My partners parents have been the total opposite. Since I came back after staying over she was in really bad form with me and I took the rest of this week off to stay over in the house to paint and clean it up. She went crazy when I told her I was planning on doing this. My partner thinks it’s all a deliberate attempt to break us up.

Ursus Horribilis

It'd help if you tell your mother less about your plans and present your decisions to her as a done deal. Then don't answer all her calls. I don't think telling her to fck off is a good strategy. It's needlessly aggressive, especially given her issues. Establishing boundaries is more important here.

I agree with Wiggle. If you can at all, go sleep in your house tonight. Pack your bag and tell your mother where you're going at the last moment. "I'm off to stay in the house tonight. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye". Then turn your phone off.

wiggle16

Newjob1 wrote: »

Thanks guys.

I know what I have to do, just wish the circumstances were different. My partners parents have been the total opposite. Since I came back after staying over she was in really bad form with me and I took the rest of this week off to stay over in the house to paint and clean it up. She went crazy when I told her I was planning on doing this. My partner thinks it’s all a deliberate attempt to break us up.

I think your partner is bang on the money. Even if it's not deliberate I doubt she would lose any sleep over it if yous did start having problems because of this.

She sounds like she needs counselling of some sort. I'm not being theatrical about it in saying that. This kind of behaviour from a parent is not normal, at all. If you feel like you are being mean or cruel, you're not, you're feeling that way because she is deliberately eliciting that response and knows how best to do it - because that's what makes you stay.

Call your partner and tell them you two are staying there tonight. Put your phone on silent or on flight mode and leave it that way til tomorrow. Don't feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong.

GarIT

Newjob1 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Just an update.

We got the keys to our new home two weeks ago and still haven’t moved in.

We stayed in the house last weekend and my mother was ringing non stop and saying she can’t cope on her own. She said she’s so lonely!

It’s starting to Caus arguments between my partner and I. Anytime I say we are planning on staying over in our house to do work she acts up. She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it. I am at my wits end, I actually getting very depressed over it all and feel under enormous pressure.

Do I just walk away and leave it or how do I approach her on this. I am really lost. I feel really upset, it was meant to be the happiest day of our lives getting the key but it has just been one big disaster so far!

Set up do not disturb on you phone during working hours and after 9 pm until the morning every night. You don't seem to have bad intentions but you are being an asshole to your partner. She has a right to you're undistracted attention for at least a few evenings and a weekend day each week.

Zorya

Sounds awful. Sounds like she has a personality disorder. Move out and move on. Parents should want the very best for their children, not be like this. You are being manipulated. Save yourself. Best of luck in your new home.

SirChenjin

She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it.

That won't happen.
As others have advised, move now asap and turn off your phone on a regular basis. It won't be easy on you, you have already said it is causing you to feel depressed.

Reach out for whatever help you need to get you through it. It could potentially destroy your relationship if she is allowed to continue to behave as she is doing. You have to look out for yourself now, your own health and your own relationship.

GarIT

You need to choose now, whenever you read this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner or your mother? You can only pick one.

qwerty13

My take would be that you don’t need to pick either your mother or your partner - but you have been totally prioritising your mother, and going along with she wants, with only the leftovers of your time and attention for your partner.

If you don’t change that balance to the other way around, I’m sorry but you’re going to lose your partner. You need to prioritise your partner NOW, before it’s too late. Tbh it sounds like things are getting to the crunch point with your partner.

I know it’s a crap situation to be in, but you either prioritise your partner - or else lose them, and end up being your mother’s slave for the rest of her life. Cos if she succeeds in ruining this relationship, she’ll know she can scupper any future relationships you have.

I really feel for you. But this is the rest of your life! Don’t throw it away.

PS: just because she doesn’t feel happy doesn’t give her a free pass to take over your life to make herself feel better. I’ve known friends with terminally ill parents who are far more selfless than your mother.

tcif

We all only get the one life to live. You have a partner you love, you've bought a house and are ready to move in together to make a home and a future and all this is how it should be. It's what your mother did in her own day too so you should not under any circumstances feel guilty for just wanting the normal progression of life. Do not let this opportunity pass you by, OP, you will regret it. As other posters have said, pack your bags and move in with your partner. Do not feel guilty about it, you're not doing anything wrong in any way in wanting a life for yourself.