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Bought a house mother isn’t well
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Your mother is being incredibly selfish. She has had her life (and continues to have it) to live as she sees fit - she got married, she had a child, she got her own house, etc. She is not allowing you that same fundamental freedom which all parents should give their children.
She is being ridiculously possessive of your time and attention, and by causing issues with your partner this will only end one way - badly.
It is highly unlikely that she will suddenly 'see the light' and do a U-turn in terms of her behaviour. So the onus is on you to stop enabling her behaviour and change this situation. The softly-softly approach obviously hasn't worked, so it's time for some home truths. You need to make it explicitly clear to her that you have your own life to live, and that doesn't mean cutting her out of it, but if she continues behaving selfishly then you're going to have to distance yourself from her.
What you do now will set a precedent going forward. Give in to her behaviour and continue to enable it, then you are unlikely to ever be able to commit to a relationship properly or enjoy your own liberty. She will only get worse as she gets older and more dependent on you - it's now or never.
I feel sorry for your partner tbh, this should all have been dealt with already so you could both enjoy your house move - which is a stressful enough thing for most people without this added pressure.0 -
She asked me to not move in yet and give her more time to come around to it.
This is just an open ended delaying tactic, there is no point in time where she will actually come around to it.
I agree with all the other advice given about simply getting on with it, putting your phone on silent, flight mode etc...
However, you can expect her to escalate - so do not be surprised if some potentially serious medical condition is now suspected and lots of attention given to it with vocalised fears about becoming disabled or facing death etc... This may end up giving way to threats of cutting you off from your inheritance after she dies.
Its all just about manipulating you and forcing you to listen.
Just get on with your life, its toxic and fundamentally there is nothing you can do to change her.0 -
I can understand your bind, OP, but you need to stop asking permission from your mother to live your life, as that's essentially what you're doing. By telling her you plan to do xyz, you're giving her the option of trying to change your mind. Don't give her that option.
Like others have said, simply tell her the plans, tell your Dad the plans, and follow through. My partners family is similar to yours in that they rely heavily on her. Now, there's lots of people with disabilities in her family so I'm a lot more patient about it than I would be otherwise, obviously. But there are times when we're trying to have an nice evening and she'll get multiple phonecalls for honestly no reason. She's started to let some go to voicemail which helps because, 9/10 times it's actually not an important enough issue to warrant a phonecall. it still does cause friction in our relationship though, and we're together a long time.0 -
Is the house habitable? Other than a bit of painting and decorating is it ready to move in to? If it is, then move. Today.
Buying your first house is a huge step for a couple. It is the most exciting and the most terrifying thing you will do! You should be excited about starting your life together. When my husband and I bought our first house we got the keys from the solicitor and got a taxi (neither of us drove at that point) with a rucksack and a black sack of our belongings and we moved in that day.
We had no curtains, a blow up airbed and 2 cups!
The longer you placate your mother the more she will expect from you. She's not helpless. She's not invalided. She has the ability to go about her life. But she wants to monopolise you. If you continue to appease her you will end up driving your partner away. Or he will end up moving in to your house, alone.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But your only choice is continue on as you are, or change.0 -
OP as someone else said you are being very unfair to your partner. They went into this purchase of a home for the two of you expecting just that - a home for you both! You are paying a mortgage - albeit only recently - for a property you are afraid to move into because of your mother. You don't need her permission to move into your own house you are an adult.
As Big Bag says if the house is habitable and you can live there while you work on it then get packing. You didn't buy overnight so your mother has had plenty of time to get used to it, she just doesn't want to.
The alternative is to let your partner move into your new home alone while you stay with mammy - is that what you want?0 -
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I just want to reiterate what people are saying about your partner. This is one of the biggest moments in his life. The purchase of his home. What he hopes will become his family home with you. And it is being completely tainted by your mother's carry on.
What do you actually want to happen?
You absolutely cannot change your mother, so wishing she was different isn't an option.
What do you want? For yourself, and for you both as a couple?0 -
What .......... said about expecting her to escalate is very important. It's almost certain to happen. Big dramatics. Don't back down. Even onto death. Otherwise you will never own your life. My sisters and I all had to make clean breaks with our mother. Eventually one comes back but one is always wary. First hint of crap and we drop her. Amazingly it works a lot better than being nice and we all get along reasonably well. Sorry it had to be like this for you, it's always nicer if one gets a loving Mam, but c'est la vie, eh. Rough seas strong sailors and all that
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your mother has a personality disorder. it will never be cured. you need to move out and let her at it. stop answering your phone.0
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Hey OP,
I moved out of home a good while ago but lived locally and was single for about 4 years, checked in on them a lot, in the last 12 months my only sibling (who wasn't aoround to them much anyway) emigrated with her partner and I moved in with my partner, we now live 45 mins away, I see them a good bit over the weekends but they lay on the guilt. My mum does it in a "Oh we know you are busy and we understand you have a partner and have to live your own life" - or "Are you too busy to see us this weekend?" Like, the only weekends I haven't seen them are when I have been abroad!!!! it's pretty passive-agressive. And it makes me feel terrible.....but then I think about myself and how much I do for them even though I might not have the physical hours to spend there. I call them every day and every weekend I always plan to bring them somewhere either just me by myself or me and my partner. They get a lot more than most their friends or neighbours who are the same age.
It's a personal choice but you and your partner might want to have children in the future, your parents will then need to accept that your time will be very limited, as theres was when you were small.
Perhaps it's about slotting in quality time with them, or just your mum, making sure she feels like she's being made a fuss of in the time that you do get to spend together.
If you are anything like me youfind it difficult to shake it off but you have to rationalise that you are entitled to a life and independence as much as she/they are. She's done well to have you home as long as she did, so, she could me a bit more appreciative.0 -
Whatever you do, do not under any threat of disaster or emotional crying give your mother, or father a key.
You have been extremely quiet in all this about your father. Where is he in supporting you in all this and where is he in managing his wife and her treatment of you in all this.there is clearly something wrong that your mother clings to you and has no other outlet. Can he not manage to take her out, orgamise a few day trips away etc to stop her endless pestering of you.
Clearly she has overinvested in you as her confidant and saviour and is emotionally needy -however you will find yoursef without a partner or in a poisoned toxic relationship of 3 if you alow her to keep this up.it is not going to.stop and you keed to adress it head on.
Tell your mother that her bahaviour is driving you away. Tell her you cannot take calls every few hours in work from her. Tell that has to timetable events to look forward to and something that will take her out every night of the week - a 2 day a week night course, a golf course for ladies, volunteering - whatever. Tell her that you love her but that she is being totally unfair.on you.
No doubt you are worried or guilty that she will say you used her from free lodgings/accommodation amd are now leaving but you have to tackle this or just take it on tye chin if she throws it at you and be firm with her. You are following the natural progression of leaving home and building your own relationship and home and she has to accept this. She is not moving in with you and nor will your father.stress thus. If she needs a home help or home carer you will work with the HSE to get one for her -she is not moving in (nor dropping in uninvited every day or night.) She has her own life to lead and will find joy and fulfillment if she chooses to . You are not to blame for her misery and unhappiness. Your cycle of life and phase of life is changing and so is hers - even if she is unwilling to accept that.
We all have parents that in one way or another guilt us and try and make us choose how they would live your life but you have chosen your life partner and where you will live. She has to accept that you are no longer the obliging kind teenager or man in his twenties and evolve her life to fit too. Under NO circumstances let her stay the night or move in. I have seen relationships utterly destroyed by this kind of thing. Do not under any circumsaltances give her or anyone who might be 'emergencied' into handing her over a key. At the bottom if it all is an Irish mother who loves her son and will do anything to keep.him - with no thought of his partner or future relationship.
Do not take money or allow her to decorate your house either. You do not want money to be in the emotional blackmail either. And that is what it is.
Been there done that. You have to find that hard streak hidden beneath many lavers and years of love and attention and apply it and be firm or you will be left with nothing.
God help.your poor partner in this. It must be a living nightmare for them.
In my extended family I have seen two moving in and marriages destroyed by exactly this behaviour - by women who wouod not accept that their sins now had women that weere their jumber one above their mother and by sons moving out. Both tried for years to negotiate and appease both mothers and partners and both are now destroyed marriages . Do not let this happen to you. It should be the happiest day of your life and a joyful start to your new life together but instead you mother has made it all about her and ruined it. Say this to her. Let her know how selfish she is. Tell her you will invite her when you and your oartnwr are ready and not to drop by as her behaviour and lask of respect and boundaries with this and with work is unacceptable. Then write to her doctor or mental health support by registered pist and twll them tok and ask them to build it into her treatment or resources allocation for services. There may be a group for empty nest syndromwrs or a course she can go on - if she is already attending mental health services they need to know this is going on - and do not be drawn into therapy with her either. Munschausen Syndrome & Huperchondia and emotional blackmail are not too far apart - and tgis is rwal case of your mother refusing to allow you be an independent adult and evolve in your life and life decisions. You are no doubt a kind and loving and caring son but it is now time to stand up for yourself and your partner and lifechoices and not let her emotionally backmail and coercive control you. It might do no harm for a straight up series of accusations and hrd borders being stated by you . And first take your tootbrush and pair of jocks and shirt and spend the night in your new home with your partner. Turn off your phone. No guilt. No excuses. You deserve your life, love and gappiness and a new future of joy and optimism. Not endless needyness and coercion. Take your courage, tackle her -alone - and involve your father. Might be an idea to pack your key things for work or sport in the car first! Ot will not be nice and it wil not be easy and there will be teatlrs and recriminations but you need to be strong and claim your future. Sge has alreay ruined your housepurchase and dont God knows what damage to your relationship. What woman wants a man who lets his mother trample over her happy days and control him. She may ot have said it but she is already damaging your future.the natural order of things is that you evolve, find live, move out and build your own futire. It is not that your mother becomes the needy xhild,ignores her husband and refuses to let her child evolve.
Whatever you do not not be guilted into saying you can drop over whenever you want. Do not let her guilt you into letting her stay over for any reason. And under no circumstance ls give her a key. I know someone who put in a security gate so they could not drive up and knock at the door or be camped on the doorstep or in the driveway in their car. It is a real thing. You have to take your courage and face it. Be hard. No scope for emotional balckmail. And turn off your voucemail and phone. Friends can text you . Do not let your phone be an enemy too.0 -
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Have a read of these links, people like your mother are toxic narcissists. recognize them for what they are and learn how to deal with them.
For full disclosure I'm non-contact with my mother and shes not allowed near me, my wife or my kids.
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/0 -
Takes me back many years. a GP once described my mother as a "smother" .. and I knew others in the same situation.
OP leaving is NOT easy in this but needful. I stayed at home too long at home through guilt and never fully shed the guilt even now. we had lost my father to unfaithfulness etc then my only brother to an accident,
When i was "headhunted" for a great promotion far enough away that I could not stay at home?
"You are just doing it to get away from me.. I will never have any friends, never go anywhere, never go on holiday.." Not a word of WELL DONE.
It hung over me but a few years later she was out all the time, doing classes, going abroad on holidays, so many friends.
She was happier than I was..
It is never easy but?0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »Have a read of these links, people like your mother are toxic narcissists. recognize them for what they are and learn how to deal with them.
For full disclosure I'm non-contact with my mother and shes not allowed near me, my wife or my kids.
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/
I think that is harsh. Many of these folk are simply very needy and have suffered a great deal. ie reactive not wilful.0 -
I think that is harsh. Many of these folk are simply very needy and have suffered a great deal. ie reactive not wilful.
No way is it harsh. Unless you've been through it you won't know what it's like and even then some never escape the narcissist. Wabbit Ears is protecting their family and well done. Some people manage to escape to some degree but going full on "no contact" is very difficult, especially in a country like Ireland. There are plenty of people willing to be "Flying Monkeys" here. Flying Monkeys are the narcissists aiders and abetters, often unaware of the role in which the narcissist has set them up. Others go along willingly because the narcissist has promised them some benefit. More fool them because a narcissist's promise is worth nothing.
Yes some of these people have suffered a great deal but so what, others have suffered a great deal and they are not like that. They don't pass their suffering on 100 fold like narcissists. Guilting a child or other family member into not progressing in their own lives is a classic tactic of narcissists. Been there, done that and still wearing the bloody t-shirt. Bloody as in the metaphorical bleeding that doesn't show. Anyone who is self-aware and has narcissistic family members will understand. Narcissists are happy to destroy the lives of their children for their own benefit.
Narcissists are not all bombastic and abusive. Some are insidious covert narcissists who are very needy and often use illness as a tactic to manipulate those around them. The key trait is being manipulative.
There are 3 types of children in the narcissistic family:
1) The "Conformer" who does the bidding of the narcissist parent and doesn't see anything wrong with what they are doing and indeed may treat their own children the same way.
2) The "Rebel" who fights against all odds to live a normal life, i.e. leave home, go to college, hold down a job, move away from the family, have children of their own. If they can't go "no contact" all of this is an ongoing struggle because narcissists never give up.
3) The "Runner" who for lack of better words, gets the f*** out of Dodge, leaves home as soon as possible, often emigrates and doesn't come home. However unlike the "Rebel", they are forever running away from their issues and don't try to deal with them in a healthy way.
The OP is a rebel trying to escape. That's clear from the very first post in this thread.
OP stick to your guns and don't let your mother guilt you into staying or spending time with her at the expense of your relationship. These people never give up. Even if you do move out she may try to break up your relationship so you are forced to move back to her.0 -
No way is it harsh. Unless you've been through it you won't know what it's like and even then some never escape the narcissist. Wabbit Ears is protecting their family and well done. Some people manage to escape to some degree but going full on "no contact" is very difficult, especially in a country like Ireland. There are plenty of people willing to be "Flying Monkeys" here. Flying Monkeys are the narcissists aiders and abetters, often unaware of the role in which the narcissist has set them up. Others go along willingly because the narcissist has promised them some benefit. More fool them because a narcissist's promise is worth nothing.
Yes some of these people have suffered a great deal but so what, others have suffered a great deal and they are not like that. They don't pass their suffering on 100 fold like narcissists. Guilting a child or other family member into not progressing in their own lives is a classic tactic of narcissists. Been there, done that and still wearing the bloody t-shirt. Bloody as in the metaphorical bleeding that doesn't show. Anyone who is self-aware and has narcissistic family members will understand. Narcissists are happy to destroy the lives of their children for their own benefit.
Narcissists are not all bombastic and abusive. Some are insidious covert narcissists who are very needy and often use illness as a tactic to manipulate those around them. The key trait is being manipulative.
There are 3 types of children in the narcissistic family:
1) The "Conformer" who does the bidding of the narcissist parent and doesn't see anything wrong with what they are doing and indeed may treat their own children the same way.
2) The "Rebel" who fights against all odds to live a normal life, i.e. leave home, go to college, hold down a job, move away from the family, have children of their own. If they can't go "no contact" all of this is an ongoing struggle because narcissists never give up.
3) The "Runner" who for lack of better words, gets the f*** out of Dodge, leaves home as soon as possible, often emigrates and doesn't come home. However unlike the "Rebel", they are forever running away from their issues and don't try to deal with them in a healthy way.
The OP is a rebel trying to escape. That's clear from the very first post in this thread.
OP stick to your guns and don't let your mother guilt you into staying or spending time with her at the expense of your relationship. These people never give up. Even if you do move out she may try to break up your relationship so you are forced to move back to her.
I would never ever think or write about another human being in these terms, under any circumstances, let alone the woman who gave me life and who was suffering herself. I understood where she was at and rejoiced when she made new friends. I loved her dearly. The worst day in my life was IDing her in the mortuary when she was killed in a road accident,
Compassion costs nothing. And does not stop you leaving a bad situation. As I did.
Over and out from me as reading this is ....0 -
Mod note:
Posters are kindly reminded to have useful advice for the OP when they post.
wiggle0 -
Graces, I understand what you’re saying. But I also understand where Emme is coming from. I don’t mean my comment as an argument to either one of you, but I have to say that my experience and current thoughts are far more in line with Emme’s.
Of course in an ideal world, it’s nicer/ better to be compassionate and forgiving, but you know what, sometimes it’s ok not to be. And very ok not to be. Sometimes it’s ok to be angry. And fed up at circumstances, and how people treat you. Being ‘family’ does not give people a get out of jail free card. Just cos your parents brought you into the world does not mean that they can treat you badly - in an obvious, or passive aggressive manner.
Sometimes harsh boundaries need to be set. And sometimes self preservation has to take priority. I do understand Graces that you’re offering advice from a kind heart; but not everyone’s circumstances lend themselves to that. It’s sad, but that’s the truth. And I think it’s ok for the OP to realise that his compassion is well on the way to overwhelming his own life, and that he urgently needs to remedy that. For his own sake.0 -
I think that is harsh. Many of these folk are simply very needy and have suffered a great deal. ie reactive not wilful.
Walk a mile in my childhood shoes and you'd never, ever say something that.
This is the big problem with parental emotional abuse, manuipulation and neglect, people dismissing others experiences because theirs was different.0 -
Wabbit Ears wrote: »Walk a mile in my childhood shoes and you'd never, ever say something that.
This is the big problem with parental emotional abuse, manuipulation and neglect, people dismissing others experiences because theirs was different.
Well said Wabbit Ears.
I grew up in a situation which sounds very similar to yours and as an adult it has left me with a whole host of problems including anxiety, no self esteem whatsoever, massive lack of confidence, people pleaser, medical issues due to abuse and neglect etc. I could go on for days.
When you spent so much of your life being abused physically, mentally and emotionally, you end up believing that you're worth nothing and that you don't matter. That you're not important and you'll never come first in anyone's life because you're a horrible person and you don't deserve love or care.
People who haven't gone through this simply don't understand. I'm not going to get into it all her because I don't want to derail the OP's thread, but Graces7, I honestly think you're in denial.
OP, all I'll say is PLEASE put your partner first. She's the most important person in your life now. Your relationship is already having problems because of your mother. If this relationship ends and you meet someone else, then your mother will do the exact same thing again.
Put yourself and your partner first.0 -
Compassion can cost your mental health and relationships. It's all well and good to empathise with someone but when their behaviour is having a negative affect on your life, there comes a stage where either you draw up boundaries or you end up burning out.
Compassion costs nothing.
Op it's easy for me and others to say but we're saying it because we're not emotionally involved. What your mother is doing is wrong. You have your own life to live, just like she once did. Parents are supposed to raise their children and be happy to see them living independent lives, not become dependent on them. It's unfair the pressure and guilt she is putting on you but you have to be strong enough to put you and your family unit first. She will adjust to you not living with her, just like every other parent has.0 -
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OP
your mother's behaviour is not good. she has a mental health disorder, or simply is not capable of behaving in a normal manner.
you cannot change this now.
you must change yourself, you must change how you respond or else it will make you unhappy and unfulfilled. I really fear you will end up regretful and sad, and in many years to come regret what might have been
the fact that you are now asking others for advice, leads me to believe that you've not confronted it with a professional person like a counsellor.
You yourself need to come to terms with what is under your control, and how you can cope and manage with this going forward.
you obviously realise things are not right but perhaps cannot find a way to deal with it objectively and reasonably. perhaps an outside professional can help you figure out coping strategies and give you skills on how to manage this difficult situation.
your marriage and your healthy childrens future depends on how you move on with this situation.
all your friends will tell you what to do, what they would do, or what they have done. in truth, your situation is rare enough, and therefore you need help else you will end up listening to what other people did / will do / have done / and none of them understand the complexity of your relationship with your mother.0
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