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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

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Comments

  • #952
    mariaalice
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,630 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Wondering are things reverting a bit, I see an awful lot of young people in serious relationships met in college stayed together its seems to be far more common than in the past no sense that they are missing out on anything. The one thing that is different is that they are often together 10/15 years before they marry or have children.

    Despite the snowflake bit a lot of young people are very mautre and very clear eyed about what they want from life.

    We have very low divorce rates in Ireland.


  • #953
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    You're right.

    But like... there's more to it than that.

    I've kissed probably 500 women. I don't think that's an age thing.

    I'm gonna sleep soon.

    I'm an older gentleman too. Women don't test men who can kiss 500 women. Do you think George Clooney or Brad Pitt get tested?

    The rest of us they test, some more than others.

    Depending what you look like and how popular and fun you are, women treat you WAY differently. Men do it too with women.

    I've been somewhere in between so have seen both sides of the coin.


  • #954
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,170 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    mariaalice wrote: »
    Wondering are things reverting a bit, I see an awful lot of young people in serious relationships met in college stayed together its seems to be far more common than in the past no sense that they are missing out on anything. The one thing that is different is that they are often together 10/15 years before they marry or have children.
    Ditto M, though I'd that the "in the past" part is more about a bit of a blip towards American style "dating" stuff that peaked a few years ago and we're reverting more to type. Looking at my age group peers(now hitting 50), a goodly chunk of them followed what you describe and those that didn't were pretty much "settled" with someone by 30-35.
    We have very low divorce rates in Ireland.
    Very much so. When you hear read some people going on about marriage and the risks they're either channeling their own story where things did go wrong(which is understandable) or they're channeling more of the imported from America gender war BS using American stats. Even when you look at American stats, yes their divorce rate is much higher, but it's still nowhere near the panic levels that many especially online like to trumpet(and varies depending on where and what culture you belong to in America). America is a different culture in so many ways and so many ways doesn't reflect our own. Certainly the mating/dating stuff is quite different. Too many seem to forget that. That said I can understand why some American men are wary of getting married over there as the divorce laws overwhelmingly favour women. Sometimes to the point of farce.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • #955
    Feisar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,708 ✭✭✭Feisar


    Church on Tuesday wrote: »
    Have you ever been teased by a woman for something you where wearing or your height or whatever or some personal interest that she thought was a bit lame?

    That's testing, it's to see if you are secure in yourself. An insecure man will get offended and in a huff, a man completley comfortable in his own skin won't give a toss.

    Guess which one is the most attractive.

    Em, she's not testing you, she wanted to talk to you!

    I have a feckin' class Hugo Boss leather jacket, I mean it rocks, my sexy appeal is amplified in the damn thing. The amount of times women have come up to me and asked where the bike is parked.

    First they came for the socialists...



  • #956
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    There is teasing and ribbing and sarcasm and irony and more in my conversations with people of all ages and genders. Can not say any more or less of it has ever happened with romantic interests than anyone else. Sounds like we are just taking something that happens often - especially in Ireland where piss taking is part of the culture - and only noticing it when it fits a narrative that has been invented out of nowhere.

    Still can not say I am interested in the post a few posts above from the user who essentially wants all guys to be clones of each other all wearing exactly the same thing. Imaging if tomorrow all guys wore dark clothes - and only shoes or two specially exempted sneakers.

    Be a boring world to be living in.


  • #957
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 39,589 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Maybe they meant - go for it - get the seven cats.

    I'm allergic. That's my only issue there and the little sh*ts know it as well.

    The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.

    Leviticus 19:34



  • #958
    ArchXStanton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,912 ✭✭✭ArchXStanton


    Church on Tuesday wrote: »
    Have you ever been teased by a woman for something you where wearing or your height or whatever or some personal interest that she thought was a bit lame?

    That's testing, it's to see if you are secure in yourself. An insecure man will get offended and in a huff, a man completley comfortable in his own skin won't give a toss.

    Guess which one is the most attractive.

    A wise man once said a woman will test you as naturally as they breathe.... You try that the other way around and see how quick you're given your matching orders


  • #959
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    Deleted User wrote: »
    There is teasing and ribbing and sarcasm and irony and more in my conversations with people of all ages and genders. Can not say any more or less of it has ever happened with romantic interests than anyone else. Sounds like we are just taking something that happens often - especially in Ireland where piss taking is part of the culture - and only noticing it when it fits a narrative that has been invented out of nowhere.

    Still can not say I am interested in the post a few posts above from the user who essentially wants all guys to be clones of each other all wearing exactly the same thing. Imaging if tomorrow all guys wore dark clothes - and only shoes or two specially exempted sneakers.

    Be a boring world to be living in.

    It's more than just piss taking though, testing is not the same as having a laugh or getting a rise out of one of your mates down the pub


  • #960
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,170 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Perhaps you could consciously uncouple yourself from this thread.
    I watched that vid and oooooh boy... Imagine some poor young lad who's a bit clueless socially or just nervous. Bloody hell. Recipe for disaster. Though it is worrying that an audience exists for this stuff. Clearly it does.

    Never mind that these videos all look like some amway/timeshare/religious pyramid scheme done by some lad who did a course on corporate videos. With of course all the marketing stuff thrown in with free vids to get the seeker/sucker sucked in ever deeper until it's only 29.99 to get the Secret Course tailored for you and you alone that will Unlock All Women™©

    And yeah, the rereg stuff looks worryingly obsessive.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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  • #961
    Novalee Late Test
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Novalee Late Test


    kowloon wrote: »
    The epidode where most of the men have been killed and the remainder are sent to breeding centres?

    i totally forgot about that. fresh princess of bel air!!


  • #962
    kowloon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,517 ✭✭✭✭kowloon


    Feisar wrote: »
    Em, she's not testing you, she wanted to talk to you!

    I have a feckin' class Hugo Boss leather jacket, I mean it rocks, my sexy appeal is amplified in the damn thing. The amount of times women have come up to me and asked where the bike is parked.

    I saw a guy chatting to a young wan outside a pub in Dublin pretending my bike was his. That bike probably did more for him than it ever did for me, in that respect.
    I reckon if somone likes you and you have a nice bike, car or whatever it makes you more attractive to them, but if they've taken is dislike to you they only dislike you more in a 'look at that prick thinking he's great with his bike' kind of way.
    My point being: Having a nice bike, car etc. is not usually what attracts people to begin with. I'm sure there are some really superficial people out there, but I don't think it's true for the vast majority.


  • #963
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    Nearly 33.

    Still a virgin
    Never had a girlfriend
    Never been kissed
    Never held hands with a girl
    Never had a female friend

    Its fair to say I'm a bit of a friggin weirdo, good chance I may die this way too. :eek:

    Although reading through this thread there is a part of me that feels I'm relieved to have avoided some of this and the harsh world of dating in general. There is this urge to be in relationships and to be having sex because its 'normal' to do so but there's no guarantee of it ever bringing you happiness and often for a lot of people it brings the very opposite.

    I have mixed feelings about whether my situation is actually all that bad or not.


  • #964
    DColeman
    Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭DColeman


    Deleted User wrote: »
    From watching people I know I think it's quite possible that many women don't want babies, marriage etc ever, maybe even a majority of them.

    Studies have shown the vast majority of people, both sexes, want children.

    https://news.gallup.com/poll/164618/desire-children-norm.aspx


  • #965
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    jimjangles wrote: »
    How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

    I was listening to the 2002 Tommy Tiernan interview with the philosopher John Moriarity (1938-2007), that was linked to an article in The Irish Times last week - The greatest Irish thinker you’ve never read? It could be this man.

    In that interview Moriarity talks about finding more love and meaning in looking out the window down in Kerry and seeing the shape of the landscape. Watch that coffee splutter! The solitude of his later existence in life gave him more meaning than those gorgeous women he met in London and Dublin in the 1970s. While you may not agree with him, there's loads of food for thought in his understanding of things. It takes just a spark of an idea to get us thinking freshly about life.

    Anyway, if I were back in my courting days I'd be joining clubs or classes that I'm interested in. Even if you're not mad into fitness you could join a hillwalking club and you're automatically filtering out people who aren't into an active lifestyle. The Meet Up events could be very good, too. Just find your interests, don't sound desperate, focus on improving yourself first and your reality will slowly change when you least expect it. Also, don't forget to have fun.


  • #966
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    Nearly 33.

    Still a virgin
    Never had a girlfriend
    Never been kissed
    Never held hands with a girl
    Never had a female friend

    Its fair to say I'm a bit of a friggin weirdo, good chance I may die this way too. :eek:

    Although reading through this thread there is a part of me that feels I'm relieved to have avoided some of this and the harsh world of dating in general. There is this urge to be in relationships and to be having sex because its 'normal' to do so but there's no guarantee of it ever bringing you happiness and often for a lot of people it brings the very opposite.

    I have mixed feelings about whether my situation is actually all that bad or not.

    I guess it boils down to do you want to change that or not?

    If you're happy out with life in general then that's the main thing; there are any amount of vastly unhappy people out there. Many in marriages/relationships too.

    If you're happy in yourself and healthy, that's actually a great position to be in to meet someone the same.

    There are many in your situation too.

    Keep and open mind, you'd be surprised how random someone can come into your life and don't sweat the other stuff with is really just a result of peer and societal pressures.


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  • #967
    facehugger99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,398 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    Every workplace I've been in has been stocked to the gills with good-looking women in HR - no guys, just women.

    My advice to any single chap of college-going age is to get into HR. You'll be surrounded by hot women day-in day-out and probably bateing them off you at the department Christmas party after they've had a few Cosmos.

    You're welcome.


  • #968
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »

    Although reading through this thread there is a part of me that feels I'm relieved to have avoided some of this and the harsh world of dating in general. There is this urge to be in relationships and to be having sex because its 'normal' to do so but there's no guarantee of it ever bringing you happiness and often for a lot of people it brings the very opposite.

    I have mixed feelings about whether my situation is actually all that bad or not.

    I can appreciate that viewpoint. My overwhelming experience of dating was that it was painful and stressful. Until it wasn't. It stopped being that way, in the first instance, when I met my ex. Then it was easy and the most natural thing in the world. I just met someone I had a strong connection with who made me laugh until my stomach hurt every day. The torturous "what's this guy's deal" wasn't there and instead we slid into each other's lives seamlessly.

    Most recently, as a single woman again, I just decided I was done with all the bs. I like me, I'm pretty great if you ask me! I'm not a supermodel and I'm not the most impressive and most successful woman on the planet, but I don't need to be. I'm me and that's more than enough.

    Online dating in particular didn't make me feel that way. It just wasn't for me. So I decided to go on continue liking me without compromising on that feeling in the pursuit of someone else. I mentioned it earlier in the thread, but this was when doors started to open and other people started to like me too. I've met someone brilliant recently simply by throwing out the rule book and trying to live for joy a little, instead of constantly looking for that external validation all the time.

    I appreciate it's not always that easy for people to meet or attract other people. But there's a lot to be said for being lighthearted about things. In a world where you can constantly feel inadequate or less than or never measuring up, learn to see the fun side of things.

    To get back to your original "not sure it's worth it" idea. To my mind, love absolutely is worth it. For me it's the bottom line to everything. It's the magic and the point of everything. It's bloody hard, jesus is it impossible to live harmoniously with another person. You have to learn how to argue, learn how to compromise, adapt to another person's odd little ways, throw yourself out of your comfort zone entirely. And god knows there is absolutely fcuk all guarantees. But it is absolutely worth the search.


  • #969
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 39,589 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    Nearly 33.

    Still a virgin
    Never had a girlfriend
    Never been kissed
    Never held hands with a girl
    Never had a female friend

    Its fair to say I'm a bit of a friggin weirdo, good chance I may die this way too. :eek:

    Although reading through this thread there is a part of me that feels I'm relieved to have avoided some of this and the harsh world of dating in general. There is this urge to be in relationships and to be having sex because its 'normal' to do so but there's no guarantee of it ever bringing you happiness and often for a lot of people it brings the very opposite.

    I have mixed feelings about whether my situation is actually all that bad or not.

    I think it's more important to try and be happy with what you have rather than focusing on what you don't along with trying new things and a bit of self improvement here and there.

    On the flipside, you're free to travel, do days out, pursue your own interests and hobbies and change careers should you feel like it. Being single isn't all doom and gloom.

    The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.

    Leviticus 19:34



  • #970
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    Church on Tuesday wrote:
    Keep and open mind, you'd be surprised how random someone can come into your life and don't sweat the other stuff with is really just a result of peer and societal pressures.
    ancapailldorcha wrote:
    On the flipside, you're free to travel, do days out, pursue your own interests and hobbies and change careers should you feel like it. Being single isn't all doom and gloom.

    Well its one thing to be perpetually single for a lot of your life and another to never have ever kissed, dated, had sex or experienced any form intimacy with another human being in your 30s. I'd say the latter isn't that common.

    Am I personally bothered by it? Well, I'd say I've learned to live with it. I'm not a popular person, a bit of a loner, I can talk to people and can do small chat but I have no close friends or people to hang out with, in fact I've never had any in my adult life, just acquaintances at best. I'm like the guy everyone describes as "a nice guy," but for some reason, is never a part of any social gatherings.

    Because I don't do social interactions well, I don't know therefore if I'm capable of making another person happy. And if I try to dabble in a relationship or a fling it will end badly and I'll come off worse for it.

    I mean sure, in a perfect world, I would like to get married, have children and live happily ever after but life doesn't work like that of a romcom story.

    Therefore I think there's every chance given the nature of my personality and who I am that I may have to live like this for the rest of my life. I've never sought escort services because I find the concept fake, but if I'm in my 40s and still a virgin (which is fairly likely) then perhaps I have never other choice because of dying a virgin given my current lifestyle is very real.

    You are correct to say there are advantages to being single. I have misanthropic tendencies so feel safer and more secure alone a lot of the time, but it is a quiet life without risks.


  • #971
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ThomasFlynn,

    You shouldn't learn to live with never been with a woman.

    I fully believe in doing whatever you want to do (e.g. being alone on a mountain in Donegal), but I think your decisions should be based on knowledge and experience.

    So I think you need to experience being with a woman.

    Everything is about advantages/disadvantages, risk/reward, but to be able to make good decisions you need knowledge and experience.

    I made a post a few pages back: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=110338912

    Could you try this? It'll take you about 6 months. You could throw in a bit of therapy to help with some of the issues you have. I am 100% certain if you followed my advice you could get a partner. Then you could decide if it's worth it. (It is worth it),

    You shouldn't have to be lonely.


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  • #972
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    To add: I'm happy to help you with this stuff. Can offer offline advice.


  • #973
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    I've got loads of advice for negging the ladies, what's the best asshole smirk you can have to attract the honeys and how to get away with touching women inappropriately. It's part of my Chatting Up Ladies programme (Which honestly has nothing to do with PUA, I swear. My one is called CUL, which is cool) and you can buy my suite of self improvement DVD for the one time price of €99.99.


  • #974
    Robert ninja
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,878 ✭✭✭Robert ninja


    facehugger99 wrote: »
    My advice to any single chap of college-going age is to get into HR.


    "So what attracted you to this job?"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGQ-ISsDm8M


  • #975
    Doctor Jimbob
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,657 ✭✭✭Doctor Jimbob


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    I've got loads of advice for negging the ladies, what's the best asshole smirk you can have to attract the honeys and how to get away with touching women inappropriately. It's part of my Chatting Up Ladies programme (Which honestly has nothing to do with PUA, I swear. My one is called CUL, which is cool) and you can buy my suite of self improvement DVD for the one time price of €99.99.

    Where do I sign up?


  • #976
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 39,589 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    Well its one thing to be perpetually single for a lot of your life and another to never have ever kissed, dated, had sex or experienced any form intimacy with another human being in your 30s. I'd say the latter isn't that common......

    You are correct to say there are advantages to being single. I have misanthropic tendencies so feel safer and more secure alone a lot of the time, but it is a quiet life without risks.

    Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be mad pushing the single life or the MGTOW stuff (Is that even still a thing?) at all. However, it's not healthy to just dwell on the negative. It'll just eat at you over time and erode your confidence and perspective. Of course, it's not healthy to pretend that your problems are not there either. Just find a balance to start with and look into taking action which leads me to...
    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    ThomasFlynn,

    You shouldn't learn to live with never been with a woman.

    I fully believe in doing whatever you want to do (e.g. being alone on a mountain in Donegal), but I think your decisions should be based on knowledge and experience.

    So I think you need to experience being with a woman.

    Everything is about advantages/disadvantages, risk/reward, but to be able to make good decisions you need knowledge and experience.

    I made a post a few pages back: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=110338912

    Could you try this? It'll take you about 6 months. You could throw in a bit of therapy to help with some of the issues you have. I am 100% certain if you followed my advice you could get a partner. Then you could decide if it's worth it. (It is worth it),

    You shouldn't have to be lonely.

    I don't disagree that this is mostly excellent advice (though maybe we'll just agree to disagree vis-a-vis videogames). However, if someone is autistic, awkward, very introverted, had an abusive childhood or for whatever reason struggles to make conversation with strangers then it's going to be very, very difficult. In fairness, you did allude to therapy but it's a real struggle for some people and if they're reasonably happy being single then often they'll content themselves with what they have.

    The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.

    Leviticus 19:34



  • #977
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    ThomasFlynn,

    You shouldn't learn to live with never been with a woman.

    I fully believe in doing whatever you want to do (e.g. being alone on a mountain in Donegal), but I think your decisions should be based on knowledge and experience.

    So I think you need to experience being with a woman.

    Everything is about advantages/disadvantages, risk/reward, but to be able to make good decisions you need knowledge and experience.

    I made a post a few pages back: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=110338912

    Could you try this? It'll take you about 6 months. You could throw in a bit of therapy to help with some of the issues you have. I am 100% certain if you followed my advice you could get a partner. Then you could decide if it's worth it. (It is worth it),

    You shouldn't have to be lonely.

    Hi OMM,

    I already do 1-2, 4-5 and 8.

    I don't have any female friends so can't do no.3, I can't help doing no.6 because of my limited social life. Maybe I can take my hobbies and involve myself in my social situations, I'd like to take up more sports but that's quite male orientated.

    I agree on 7 and I'm working on improving that, but I'm still skeptical that leads to a long term romantic relationship. I suffer from being incredibly socially awkward at times so coming across as less of that is a win for me.

    I'm afriad of no.9 i.e. talking to women, because I have this perpetual ability of coming across as a creep and weirdo due to my social awkwarness. And in the age of #metoo and other movements I'm increasingly paranoid I might end up doing something inappropriate.

    There's a reason why I never had a single female friend in my life. I fear if I start striking up a conversation with a woman at work or as random stranger they'll think I'm trying to chat them and I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable.


  • #978
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ancapailldorcha wrote: »
    if someone is autistic, awkward, very introverted, had an abusive childhood or for whatever reason struggles to make conversation with strangers then it's going to be very, very difficult. In fairness, you did allude to therapy but it's a real struggle for some people and if they're reasonably happy being single then often they'll content themselves with what they have.

    I do not agree.

    As a teenager I was very shy, awkward (due to shyness, I was not physically awkward - I was good at sports), introverted (again, shyness), abusive childhood.

    I don't have the autism bit, but I'm definitely "different" - wild, "maverick", mad, aggressive. Definitely not a "normal" person.

    Now, I did hook up with a large amount of women in my teens, but it took effort. Perhaps that is the big difference between me and other quiet guys - I put in the effort. I was a horn bag and didn't want to solve it via ****, so I put in the effort - #1 being around women; #2 talking to them.

    I'm none of those things anymore (still a horn bag). I'm very talkative, very confident (people here might think it's arrogance, but really it's just complete self-assurance), I've never solved the abusive parents part (I've done lots of therapy about this), but if you met me in real life you'd think I'm charming and fun.

    The reason I'm posting here is because I have empathy for the posts, and know you can also climb out of the hole you're in. You may not be exactly like me, but you can certainly improve your current situation.

    Getting a partner (woman) is not difficult. But you have to cover the basics. Don't look like ****. Do have some ambition. Do appear to be someone who can support a family.

    The other things like being funny, good looking, juicy dong, are bonuses. Cover the basics and you can meet women.

    Women are not complicated.

    Now, get yourself a little bit of muscle, dress well, learn how to have a conversation (GOOD LISTERNER) and you'll do very well.

    I'm married, I've had a few long term relationships, and in the few months between those relationships I slept with over 100 women. And I'm just average looking although I dress well and look strong.

    I'm not showing off, I'm trying to explain it's doable.


  • #979
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    Hi OMM,

    I already do 1-2, 4-5 and 8.

    I don't have any female friends so can't do no.3, I can't help doing no.6 because of my limited social life. Maybe I can take my hobbies and involve myself in my social situations, I'd like to take up more sports but that's quite male orientated.

    I agree on 7 and I'm working on improving that, but I'm still skeptical that leads to a long term romantic relationship. I suffer from being incredibly socially awkward at times so coming across as less of that is a win for me.

    I'm afriad of no.9 i.e. talking to women, because I have this perpetual ability of coming across as a creep and weirdo due to my social awkwarness. And in the #metoo and other movements I'm increasingly paranoid I might end up doing something inappropriate.

    There's a reason why I never had a single female friend in my life. I fear if I start striking up a conversation with a woman at work or as random stranger they'll think I'm trying to chat them and I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable.

    What do you work as?

    What's your degree?


  • #980
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 39,589 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    I do not agree.

    As a teenager I was very shy, awkward (due to shyness, I was not physically awkward - I was good at sports), introverted (again, shyness), abusive childhood.

    I don't have the autism bit, but I'm definitely "different" - wild, "maverick", mad, aggressive. Definitely not a "normal" person.

    I wasn't speculating about you or anyone, just offering a non-comprehensive list of reasons why some people struggle.

    The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.

    Leviticus 19:34



  • #981
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ancapailldorcha wrote: »
    I wasn't speculating about you or anyone, just offering a non-comprehensive list of reasons why some people struggle.

    Sure, and you're right.

    It's conquerable though.


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  • #982
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    What do you work as?

    What's your degree?

    Sorry I misread parts of point 8, I don't own my home currently (but I'm hoping to change that in the long run). I did Electrical Engineering was working in that field but have given it up as I'm looking to go back to university and change my career, would like to do dentistry or medicine (my father who has since passed away was a doctor) so really I'm a bit of a bum at the moment long term I'm hoping to change all that. I have great ambition about my life but I wont likely have my career going until my late 30s, which is difficult.


  • #983
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    Sorry I misread parts of point 8, I don't own my home currently (but I'm hoping to change that in the long run). I did Electrical Engineering was working in that field but have given it up as I'm looking to go back to university and change my career, would like to do dentistry or medicine (my father who has since passed away was a doctor) so really I'm a bit of a bum at the moment long term I'm hoping to change all that. I have great ambition about my life but I wont likely have my career going until my late 30s, which is difficult.

    Sorry, do you mean you have an electrical engineering degree?


  • #984
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    Sorry, do you mean you have an electrical engineering degree?

    I do yeah, I worked for an engineering firm for a number years, but since then have quit it.

    My father died only a few years ago so I've been sort of looking after my mum a little bit but long term I still have plans to have an ambitious and successful career if possible.


  • #985
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    Sorry, do you mean you have an electrical engineering degree?

    What difference is that going to make?

    I mean, if his feeling of social awkwardness is so pronounced he's afraid to approach women... whether he has a degree or not doesn't really matter.


  • #986
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 39,589 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    Sure, and you're right.

    It's conquerable though.

    For some people, sure. I think that as you get older however, significant change becomes more difficult.

    The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.

    Leviticus 19:34



  • #987
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    I do yeah, I worked for an engineering firm for a number years, but since then have quit it.

    My father died only a few years ago so I've been sort of looking after my mum a little bit but long term I still have plans to have an ambitious and successful career if possible.
    kunst nugget wrote: »
    What difference is that going to make?

    I mean, if his feeling of social awkwardness is so pronounced he's afraid to approach women... whether he has a degree or not doesn't really matter.

    OK. So here's my angle.

    Come to Asia. And work here.

    You'll be drowning in women.

    I can help you. I run a fairly large software company in Japan. We have offices in Japan, South Korea and China. So take your pick.

    (You should pick Taiwan, I can't help you get a job there unless you want to be an actor, but it's the best place in Asia).


  • #988
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ancapailldorcha wrote: »
    For some people, sure. I think that as you get older however, significant change becomes more difficult.

    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to argue, but again I don't agree.

    When you're older, change is more difficult, but being open to change, and being honest with yourself, is much easier.


  • #989
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    What difference is that going to make?

    I mean, if his feeling of social awkwardness is so pronounced he's afraid to approach women... whether he has a degree or not doesn't really matter.

    That's my feeling. I can have all the money in the world, dress well, own my car and home etc but at the end of the day I don't socialise well and I don't make friends easily.

    I'm just not a popular person. Life's a popularity contest and I don't do popularity at all well, a lot of people don't want to hang around with me, one could say you can fake it but eventually people can suss that out and they cop on to who you really are.

    There is no doubt that there's a realistic chance I may go through life without any sexual contact or romantic relationship, I don't want to come across as a creep, intrusive and desperate. So my philosophy is to try and live within my means and learn to accept who I am.


  • #990
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    What difference is that going to make?

    I mean, if his feeling of social awkwardness is so pronounced he's afraid to approach women... whether he has a degree or not doesn't really matter.

    The fact you chose to thank this post...

    You've given up?


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  • #991
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ah lads

    lads lads lads

    lads

    can we not

    i mean

    can we please not


  • #992
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 39,589 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to argue, but again I don't agree.

    When you're older, change is more difficult, but being open to change, and being honest with yourself, is much easier.

    Fundamental change is never easy, IMO. Often, it's worth it but a lot of people in this situation feel that it is not and the temptation to just give up can become overwhelming.

    The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.

    Leviticus 19:34



  • #993
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ancapailldorcha wrote: »
    Fundamental change is never easy, IMO. Often, it's worth it but a lot of people in this situation feel that it is not and the temptation to just give up can become overwhelming.

    I think if you really want something, you fight for it.

    Look at your life - there are things you would fight for.

    It's the same problem obese people have - if they really want to lose the weight, they could. Now, I'm compassionate about food addictions, so I know their fight is hard, but if they really want it, they can do it.

    So I think a lot of single guys, **** to anime, playing computer games... the problem is they don't have the motivation to change. I think a big part of the problem is porn. Remove porn from their life and they'd probably make more of an effort to find a woman.

    I'm not judging people.


  • #994
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    The fact you chose to thank this post...

    You've given up?

    No, but I suffered form severe depression relating to the issue. I was suicidal (and attempted it) back when I was 25/26 struggling to coming to terms with who I was, why I was socially so odd, no friends, no social life at uni, my self esteem took an absolute battering. I felt worthless and collossal failure to my whole family.

    I did have counselling and some form of CBT therapy, but there is only so much they can do and I think just stabilising me was a success.

    So there's been a process and a journey of coming to terms with who I am over the past 6 or 7 years, what's realistic for me and what's not.

    I have to come to terms I'm just not like everybody else and there are limits to what I can achieve socially. I'm never going to be a popular person and just going life without constantly wanting to kill myself is a success moment. I don't think about plans future too much e.g. what I'll do in 2021, 2022 etc because I don't know whether my depression will take a turn for the worst and whether or not I'll still be alive by then. Its that serious.

    So to me fighting my depression and mental illness and staying happy/content regardless of what I do, how many women I bed or what relationships I'm in, is the main aim. I don't know whether being in a relationship will 'cure' that. Given how ruthless my illness is, being in a failed traumatic relationship, could be absolute disaster.


  • #995
    OMM 0000
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    No, but I suffered form severe depression relating to the issue. I was suicidal (and attempted it) back when I was 25/26 struggling to coming to terms with who I was, why I was socially so odd, no friends, no social life at uni, my self esteem took an absolute battering. I felt worthless and collossal failure to my whole family.

    I did have counselling and some form of CBT therapy, but there is only so much they can do and I think just stabilising me was a success.

    So there's been a process and a journey of coming to terms with who I am over the past 6 or 7 years, what's realistic for me and what's not.

    I have to come to terms I'm just not like everybody else and there are limits to what I can achieve socially. I'm never going to be a popular person and just going life without constantly wanting to kill myself is a success moment. I don't think about plans future too much e.g. what I'll do in 2021, 2022 etc because I don't know whether my depression will take a turn for the worst and whether or not I'll still be alive by then. Its that serious.

    So to me fighting my depression and mental illness and staying happy/content regardless of what I do, how many women I bed or what relationships I'm in, is the main aim. I don't know whether being in a relationship will 'cure' that. Given how ruthless my illness is, being in a failed traumatic relationship, could absolute disaster.

    Why aren't you still in therapy?


  • #996
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    Its worth noting that when I was a child, a lot of my best friends after a few years often ended up becoming my school bullies, and I moved school a few times and it kept happening. So I have strong fear of getting too close to people as they often end up abusing me, or taking advantage of me, because I 'weak' and 'easy'.


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  • #997
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    Why aren't you still in therapy?

    The therapist ended it suggesting she couldn't really take it much further as there is only so much she can say, and ultimately the work is down to me from there on in. I am planning on buying more CBT related books fwiw, and to try and help myself this summer. There are still plenty of improvements that can me made to my life sure.


  • #998
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    I do not agree.

    As a teenager I was very shy, awkward (due to shyness, I was not physically awkward - I was good at sports), introverted (again, shyness), abusive childhood.

    I don't have the autism bit, but I'm definitely "different" - wild, "maverick", mad, aggressive. Definitely not a "normal" person.

    Now, I did hook up with a large amount of women in my teens, but it took effort. Perhaps that is the big difference between me and other quiet guys - I put in the effort. I was a horn bag and didn't want to solve it via ****, so I put in the effort - #1 being around women; #2 talking to them.

    I'm none of those things anymore (still a horn bag). I'm very talkative, very confident (people here might think it's arrogance, but really it's just complete self-assurance), I've never solved the abusive parents part (I've done lots of therapy about this), but if you met me in real life you'd think I'm charming and fun.

    The reason I'm posting here is because I have empathy for the posts, and know you can also climb out of the hole you're in. You may not be exactly like me, but you can certainly improve your current situation.

    Getting a partner (woman) is not difficult. But you have to cover the basics. Don't look like ****. Do have some ambition. Do appear to be someone who can support a family.

    The other things like being funny, good looking, juicy dong, are bonuses. Cover the basics and you can meet women.

    Women are not complicated.

    Now, get yourself a little bit of muscle, dress well, learn how to have a conversation (GOOD LISTERNER) and you'll do very well.

    I'm married, I've had a few long term relationships, and in the few months between those relationships I slept with over 100 women. And I'm just average looking although I dress well and look strong.

    I'm not showing off, I'm trying to explain it's doable.

    :rolleyes:


  • #999
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    Well its one thing to be perpetually single for a lot of your life and another to never have ever kissed, dated, had sex or experienced any form intimacy with another human being in your 30s. I'd say the latter isn't that common.

    Am I personally bothered by it? Well, I'd say I've learned to live with it. I'm not a popular person, a bit of a loner, I can talk to people and can do small chat but I have no close friends or people to hang out with, in fact I've never had any in my adult life, just acquaintances at best. I'm like the guy everyone describes as "a nice guy," but for some reason, is never a part of any social gatherings.

    Because I don't do social interactions well, I don't know therefore if I'm capable of making another person happy. And if I try to dabble in a relationship or a fling it will end badly and I'll come off worse for it.

    I mean sure, in a perfect world, I would like to get married, have children and live happily ever after but life doesn't work like that of a romcom story.

    Therefore I think there's every chance given the nature of my personality and who I am that I may have to live like this for the rest of my life. I've never sought escort services because I find the concept fake, but if I'm in my 40s and still a virgin (which is fairly likely) then perhaps I have never other choice because of dying a virgin given my current lifestyle is very real.

    You are correct to say there are advantages to being single. I have misanthropic tendencies so feel safer and more secure alone a lot of the time, but it is a quiet life without risks.

    Trust me you would be surprised.

    Who cares if you're still a virgin? if and when the right lady comes along she really won't give a toss.

    Also, A LOT of people massively exaggerate how much sex they are having.

    To be blunt, unless you put yourself out there and meet people that have similar interests to you, your situation won't ever change, that's of course if you'd really like it to change.


  • #1000
    Prominent_Dawg
    Registered Users Posts: 986 ✭✭✭Prominent_Dawg


    1000 replies later.. I'm curious if op has met someone?!


  • #1001
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    Church on Tuesday wrote: »
    To be blunt, unless you put yourself out there and meet people that have similar interests to you, your situation won't ever change, that's of course if you'd really like it to change.

    I'm fully aware of that, I blame myself for this situation and nobody else, I never listen to all the crap from MRA/MGTOW about blaming women and others for it. The onus is on me. I don't know whether I am capable of it though and so for me the primary target is just to be happy and content regardless of what my relationship status is.

    I wouldn't mind my relationship status changing but I'm afraid of changing it incase I come off worse.


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