Things you want to say to husband/boyf/ex's/friends/family/people *MOD NOTE POST #1*

I had hoped you’d be the Wade to my Vanessa.

Dear Human Hot Water Bottle,

I’m so sick of thinking about you. I want nothing more than to forget you and move on, but it’s taking longer than I’d hoped. Talking about you in counselling hasn’t helped I guess. But it’s something I needed to talk about, as you had a massive impact on me, whether I like it or not. You are just one part of a jigsaw puzzle in my head that I’m trying to piece together. I need to get this off my chest, but I have no intention of ever contacting you again, in any form, because you’ve made it clear you don’t want anything to do with me. Which hurt, but I’m getting over it.

I loved being with you. I was happy with my life as it was, but you made everything better. I was happy, but you just enhanced that. I had forgotten how much an impact one person can have. You made me feel safe, in the best possible way. Being with you, felt like home. And as you said, it felt like I had met my fellow weirdo. I was head over heels for you, from the very beginning. It surprised me, how strongly I felt about you. I got butterflies in my stomach every time I got a text from you, or spoke to you, or saw you. I couldn’t get enough of you. You weren’t perfect, neither was I, but I firmly believed you were perfect for me. I thought I was perfect for you. Hell you told me that I pretty much ticked all your boxes.

You had me convinced that you felt for me as I felt for you, and that you saw a future with me. You constantly told me how things with me were different, that they just worked, that we just clicked, and that it was good that we were so comfortable with each other. You told me how rare it was for you to meet someone you were genuinely interested in, and you were in me. Our chemistry was undeniable, when even complete strangers were commenting on it. You were always telling me how amazing I was, and how pretty I am. You brought me home to meet your parents. Not only that, you brought me to meet your granny, and I knew how big a deal that was. Or at least, that’s what you told me. We talked about the future, about going on holiday,spending time together over Christmas etc, and other personal things. But a few weeks after bringing me home to meet your family, you were breaking up with me. I couldn’t understand what went wrong. It would have been easier for me if you hadn’t had said all of those things to me, or introduced me to your family, because then I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.

Everyone is entitled to change their mind, don’t get me wrong, and you didn’t owe me a relationship. I just wish you had done that before I started to believe that I had found the right person for me. I fell so hard for you, it surprised me. I didn’t expect to fall so hard so fast. But you made me believe you felt the same way. I cared for you unconditionally. I let my guard down, and I got so badly hurt, which is exactly what I was afraid of.

It hurt me that you never talked to me about how you were feeling about us, and that you weren’t honest with me. For someone who said he needs to be with someone who’s open about what they feel, you didn’t do that with me, in my opinion. I wish you had told me exactly what you needed from me, because I would’ve done everything in my power to give it to you. I admit I didn’t open up too much about what happened with my mum. I’ve been seeing my counsellor pretty much every week since December, and it’s only now that I’m starting to talk to her about what happened. For crying out loud only last week did I tell her absolutely everything. I had hoped that you would’ve been more patient with me, given your background. But you were impatient. And that wasn’t fair. I needed time. I would’ve opened up eventually, but it wasn’t going to happen overnight. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I hope that you aren’t that impatient with your clients.

I would’ve done anything to be with you, within reason. I would’ve been happy to spend my days off with you and I didn’t mind travelling up so we could see each other more regularly. I wanted to see you more often, but I know you were under pressure for your time with everything else and I didn’t want to put more pressure on you. I would’ve moved, eventually. I didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship for a long period of time.

You hurt my feelings with that message you sent me the night you broke up with me when you were trying to be “nice”. On one hand you were dumping me, but on the other you were saying how amazing I was and how I was the most honest, kind hearted, loving, incredible women you’d been with. The contradiction was unbearable. It felt so detached, and read like it was lifted straight from a textbook. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I questioned what was wrong with me, that even though I’m being told how amazing I am, I’m still not enough. Especially knowing your past relationship history. It ****ed with my head for a long time. And when we met in January, you drove the knife in even further. When I said that I felt you blurred the line between therapist and boyfriend, and you said that that’s what you thought I needed, my heart shattered all over again. You made me feel like I was a project, something that needed to be fixed. I started to wonder had you only been with me because you saw me as way for you to use your ‘skills’ or to practice on. I really hope that wasn’t the case, because it would be so unbearably cruel.

Therapy has helped me immensely. It’s hard, but I’m determined to give it my all. I needed it, but that was something I needed to realise myself. There’s nothing wrong with me, but I have pushed my grief over mum’s death so far down for so long that I never really dealt with it. I’m dealing with it now. There has been a lot for me to work through, stuff I never even realised was there until now, but I’m working on it. I’ve learned a lot about myself by going through this process, and I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in a very long time. I’ve started to actually live life, and any goal I’ve set myself so far this year, I’ve achieved. I’ve lost weight, pushed myself fitness wise (if you thought my booty was amazing before, it’s even better now!), ran a half marathon, filmed a TV ad (which I find funny given that out of the 2 of us I’m the one who got on TV first), and opened up a lot more to my friends and family. I still have so much more that I want to do. I have a fire in my belly that I haven’t had since before I started in my career. I haven’t done any of these things because of you, but you were ultimately the catalyst that started this change. I will continue to fight to improve myself, but I’m also starting to understand that I am just fine as I am. I love the person that I am. I sometimes wonder would things between us have been different if we met now, but thinking like that is pointless. You made your decision, and that’s it. I will meet a man who sees me for the absolute catch that I am. I will have the relationship that M&A have. And if I never meet him, then that’s fine too.

I want you to be happy, I really do, but I hope you’re not sabotaging yourself. You are the only person that can make you happy, you can’t rely on other people to do it for you. Other people can only add to what’s already there. I know I made you happy, and in turn you made me so incredibly happy. I don’t know if you still live in the same house, but if you do, for **** sake work your ass off this summer, save like crazy, and move the **** out. Stop eating **** food. Get your ass into the gym. Stop being so hard on yourself. Life is too short.

Over and out.

I love you so much and it's breaking my heart that you're so sad all the time. I wish there was something - anything - I could do make you feel better, but I now the one thing you want is something no one can can give you. I feel so helpless. I just want you to feel better again.

“If only you could see yourself in my eyes, you’d see you shine you shine.”


(Not my words but Dermot Kennedy’s)