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29 and no friends.
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05-06-2020 4:52pm#1I'm a reg user but would be embarrassed if anyone coped who I was....
I never imagined this is how my life would be at 29. Didn't go to college as I had no idea what I wanted to do (and still dont). There was a course I was going to pursue but my mother put me off by saying it would be too hard for me, tbh I just don't think approved of the career I was long to pursue.
Since day1 of secondary school I was rigged with anxiety esp social anxiety. Another reason why I didn't go to college because I was petrified of meeting other people and I suppose it would have been too much of a big changr for me.
I did have friends in school, there would have been a few fights, not physical just silly ones. Today none of us are in touch with another. 2 I would probably never speak to again, the other I got in touch with, we always got on just drifted apart. She has her life made somewhere else, in a relationship and has her group of friends.
After all my friends went off to college, I was really left on my own. I don't want to go into it, but it made my anxiety much worse. I did a few fetac courses didn't make friends out of any. I just couldn't.
Eventually I left my toxic home about 3 years ago and moved in with stranger's. I've gotten help with my anxiety, on meds and see a therapist. I have come along way tbh when I think back 10 years ago.
Since moving to a new town IV joined classes, sports and a new hobby. Again have made no friends from these.
My anxiety and the fact I don't have any friends, is subconsciously not letting me feel relaxed enough or be normal, in order to make some in the 1st place.
I can't go out weekends, cause I have no one. It kills me. Even with the lock down I see so many people meeting up for drinks wherever and I'm so envious of them. Last weekend it felt like most people I knew had something on, and of course poor aul me, on my own yet again.
I was friends with 1 person in particular up to about 2 years ago. I ended the friendship as it was too one sided and I really felt used by her. We used to have the best nights but I had to end it. The feeling that someone who's company u do enjoy, is using u for their own benefits, tho we'd known each other 15 plus years, it was sad. It was frustrating.
People always talk about loneliness in older people, well I am a 29 yr old female and I'm so so lonely it almost physically hurts me and frightens me that I'll always have this horrible feeling of being on my own. I'm turning bitter, I feel myself losing my temper a lot easier now. There's kids outside my front window screaming and I just want to throw a book at them. I don't think I get enjoyment out of anything anymore.
The announcement today of pubs reopening has sparked this off cause I was dreading the announcement. The thoughts that people are out having the craic and a good time, and I'll be stick at home on my own crying my self to sleep. I remember when my friends use say I was the best craic and so funny, and now it's like it's just all gone from inside of me.
I'm scared. I'm fed up. I don't want this loneliness anymore.. Iv had it since I think school ended for me and when my friends went off to college.
Next time I see my therapist I will be asking for a higher dose. I'm just sad that it's come to this cause I had hopes that I would never need to. I had hopes that I might by this stage have made 1 or 2 friends and be able to go out at the weekend like most other people in their 20s.
My life is just passing by, it's a waste.2
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Hi, even in your own words, there are a lot of positives:-.
You've come along way from where were 10 years ago
You left a toxic home situation
You can cope living with strangers
You've proven you can make friends & have done so in the past
Would you consider joining group therapy for others who suffer from anxiety or looking for group up sessions on meet up for people who also have anxiety? Given these people are experiencing similar to you, they might be more understanding of your situation & you might find it easier to bond over shared experiences. It could be the starting point from which you could build on expanding your social circle.
There seems to be a lot of online support for people with similar concerns. It might be worst exploring them too.
In my experience, most people don't have loads of friends, they often have acquaintances that it's easy to hang out with. One or two really good friends is far better than a load of people with no real connection.0 -
Pretty much the same situation here except I'm 30. Don't really have any advice but you're at least not alone in being alone.0
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There's a FB group for women, they meet up, have night's out do different activities, mix of ages and professions. There's what's app groups, they meet on zoom.
There's also a website called meetup - this is a site to meet like minded people, there's tons of groups on there, walking, tennis, language etc.
I know it's hard, but all you can do is keeping going, you will make friends and get the chance to get out
Op - You've already came a long way, you're capable of doing what you want, but you need to believe it, and don't listen to those who tell you different.
Best wishes x0 -
I met all of my friends in my thirties, or at least the ones I’m still in contact with and close to now in my forties. My twenties were a **** show when it came to my social life due to a few different things which I won’t go into here. It was only when I actively pursued a social life and became more open to engaging with other people did I actually start to build friendships. It sounds like you have made a good start, joining a club or pursuing an interest or volunteering doesn’t guarantee that you will make more friends but it’s the first step towards it. Don’t be afraid to make the first move! Invite someone out for lunch, coffee, walk in the park, doesn’t have to be anything major but initiating is half the battle. And don’t become disheartened if something doesn’t evolve into a closer relationship, I had a couple of false starts along the way, sometimes you click with someone, sometimes you don’t, sometimes they have stuff going on in their life which gets in the way. Keep going, this idea that you make all your friendships in your teens and twenties is nonsense. You have your whole life ahead of you, plenty of time!0
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If it’s any consolation you get used to it. Not saying you should stop trying but keep in mind that if it doesn’t work out then it’s not the end of the world.0
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People think other people are having the best time. They are not. They are too busy wondering what other people are doing and wondering if they are having a better time.
Seriously people are awful you don’t know it but you are in the best position. All friends do is rob your energy, suit themselves and leave you feeling crap most the time. That’s the vast majority. Now that you have none, focus on yourself, and only you and what you can create in your life. You’re focusing so much on lack of friendship, guess what happens? More of that!!
Shift to what you can change, your crippling fear for one, that’s where all this is eminating from. And then when you don’t care as much you will find it easier to find high quality people who share your outlook, your interests, and are not the kind of social media obsessed, competitive, shallow bores that are everywhere. Have more value in yourself.
With all your time educate yourself more, read, get interested in stuff. When you stop focusing on lack of friends and start focusing on why you someone would be friends with you! Get confident and stop caring about what other people are doing! Nothing and if it’s anything it’s probably boring to you! Most them are unhappy anyway!
Having a group of friends is not the answer to your happiness. Its just a distraction from loneliness. Work on yourself and you will attract people that won’t make you feel even more lonely.0 -
Jesus, the above post is genuinely depressing. Bad friends are not worth having. Good friends are gems beyond measure.
OP, I second the advice about joining Meetup or Girl Crew or similar. Likewise, a sports club or group can be a great social outlet. I have a sister who has always been socially anxious amd struggled to make friends. She joined a tennis club last year (at 40, having never played tennis, really) and the difference it has made to her is genuinely amazing.0 -
School here is the worst for friends, you're thrown in with people your rough age and usually the same gender. You're not necessarily going to get along with any of them. Many of the friends I had in school treated each other terribly. I always kept them at arms length and I'm glad I did because a lot of them are not doing very well now, still engaging in the same toxic habitual behaviours from ten years ago.
Interest-based friendships provide the most solid base. You always have something to fall back on and you don't have to get too overly involved in each other's lives. If the objective is to read and discuss what you've read, make music together or try whiskey then the focus is on the topic at hand and you won't end up listening to three hours about how their lives are falling apart.
Now, some people go in for that drama but I really think that one person can only take so much misery and if people I know are regularly offloading like that on me and giving me very little back over a long period of time, I feel I'm left with no choice but to become less available to them. I have my own stuff going on and I deal with it myself.
I'll probably come off as cold, but it's a personal choice everyone is entitled to make. You're actually very well placed if you're isolated because you can choose exactly who is worth your time. My ideal is one very close relationship (a partner with whom I share everything and support entirely), some nice interaction with a few people I care about and then everyone else can make inroads to being friends but it's a loose arrangement. If I could start again I would make tentative attempts at friendship with people with whom I feel a spark of excitement and feel a bit of divilment about.
Then again, I don't know what you enjoy or what you would like in friendships! So you'll have to decide for yourself who you choose. If you're sad being lonely, try not to resent those who aren't because that negativity will definitely permeate through in your overall interactions. Try and feel invigorated by the potential in every person!
I hope you find some company or settle for contentment with your own, but either way I hope you can be happy.0 -
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But we are social animals by nature and having friends is important to the poster otherwise she wouldn’t have posted here. Certainly we live in superficial times and there are people out there who have an agenda and who are only interested in keeping people around if it suits them. I’d say we all have encountered people like that. I had a particularly bad experience in my early twenties with a group of people who I thought were good friends. They thought differently in the end and the fallout from that was, for me very damaging. For a long time after I thought that I was in some way flawed, that if I was deserving of good friends I wouldn’t have been subjected to such awful behaviour and it was all on me. It took a long time afterwards for me to realise that I had been unlucky to become involved with a bad lot and the friendship was one of convenience for them until it no longer was.
You will need to walk the line between being open to people and having enough self respect for yourself that you can walk away if no good is coming from that particular relationship. It’s tough because you are making yourself vulnerable, opening yourself up to disappointment along the way. You know and feel you are missing out on something but your situation won’t change without you doing something about it. Take the advice above. I second the advice about the tennis club, heard lots of good things about them so that might be a good place to start if it pique’s your interest.0 -
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Id suggest joiing girl crew and the like down the line but at this moment, would it make much difference? Meeting people isnt the problem, its connecting with people and building that bond that is the problem, you can meet all the people in the world but if youre not able to connect with people, it wont make a bit of difference.
One thing that stood out for me in your post is your ending of a 15 year friendship, you dont go into too much detail, just that this friendship was one sided. I really believe that we teach others how to treat us and if you allow someone to use you time and time again, soon enough they will use you out of habit. Do you have common interests with this old friend? Is there anything about the friendship or that friend that you liked? Could it be worth trying to salvage but with the inclusion of boundaries and yourself being aware of your own feelings, wants and needs and ability to express them in a way that allows the friendship to grow to suit both your needs?
Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable with people? Are you accepting of yourself? Do you put too much pressure on yourself in social situations? Do you expect to much from other people? Youre only going to resolve this situation if you get to the bottom of why you cant form relationships and then work through that.
In the mean time, why not try and invest effort and care into yourself, find things that really interest you and you genuinely enjoy, not for the sake of meeting people but just for you, start enjoying your own company and liking yourself. It could be anything from investing in a craft, spa days, books, hiking, whatever youre into. Try different things and discover what you like.
Also I know its very hard but you need to try to stop being so negative, the negative thoughts will create a negative vibe about you and that in itself will put people off wanting to be around you.
Instead of thinking how awful it is that you cant go to the pub because youve no one to go with think of the positives around not going to pubs like no hangovers and youre saving money. Keep in mind there are allot of people who hate pubs and never go them so to think youre some kind of odd ball because you dont go to the pub is simply not true, lots of people dont for lots of different reasons.
Lastly there is nothing wrong with you because you dont have friends, if you read through the personal issues forum every so often there are a posts just like yours from people who have no friends and all for different reasons. As mentioned by someone else, we live in a very superficial culture, this is more so the case nowadays with the likes of social media. Grown adults judge other adults on how many friends they have, how many special talents they have, how well maintained their social media is. They wont admit this out loud but they do, they judge and want to be around people based on those judgments. Real introversion and not romanticised versions like connell from normal people, are not generally accepted in society these days, everyone is expected to perform rather than be themselves. It's sad that this is what is has come too. I envy people who grew up in the 70's and 80's as they were the last generation to not have to live full time in social media land.
Youre on the right track with counselling and finding hobbies, keep it up, eventually you'll meet people.0 -
Next time I see my therapist I will be asking for a higher dose. I'm just sad that it's come to this cause I had hopes that I would never need to.
Please dont do this. There are no answers in pharmacology, it wont make anything better for you. The first thing I'd say is to focus on you for now, in that you gotta find what you wanna do with your life. Working a job you dont like and trying to make up for that with friends will not bring you happiness. Figure out what it is you're passionate about, start experimenting, its the only way to figure yourself out. The friends will come, that I promise, but you have to get some idea of who you are and what it is your lifes work is, thats first and foremost, everything is built upon that foundation. Having a group of friends, in an of itself wont do what you imagine it will do. There are so many people who have that and yet are deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Have friends, for sure, but your first priority is to find out who you are.0 -
Why are people suggesting joining classes and meetups? She clearly has already tried this from her post!?
It’s not for lack of trying so the issue is with her own confidence and self worth. Otherwise she would have friends.
Op needs to work on herself and her confidence and her own life.
A group of friends won’t make you happy. Only people you truly connect with. And you can’t do that until you truly connect with yourself. You talk about your life and yourself as if it has little value and you just desperately seek friendship. Work on that first and the friendships and people will follow.0 -
Why are people suggesting joining classes and meetups? She clearly has already tried this from her post!?
It’s not for lack of trying so the issue is with her own confidence and self worth. Otherwise she would have friends.
Op needs to work on herself and her confidence and her own life.
A group of friends won’t make you happy. Only people you truly connect with. And you can’t do that until you truly connect with yourself. You talk about your life and yourself as if it has little value and you just desperately seek friendship. Work on that first and the friendships and people will follow.
You can't say that.
Some of my closest friends are people I met through Meetup but it takes effort. You have to invest in it. At least with Meetup the people at least share some common interest so you have some connection.
To make friends you have to put yourself in a position to meet people, that's where groups come in0 -
Rather than classes, you might want to try getting involved in active groups that actually do things - it could be a homeless charity, or a political party, or a campaign group. Find something that suits your values so you can get a bit passionate about it. Most of these groups will have plenty of work for people to do, so they'll be very happy to fill your weekends and evenings, and you'll be working with other people of like mind, with similar values.0
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Hi OP,
Just a couple of things to add.
- Stop comparing yourself to others, social media can be incredibly misleading. People present a version of their lives that doesn’t always reflect reality.
- Quality over quantity is a good rule of thumb in life in general, particularly regarding friendships. To have a couple of really good trustworthy friends is a real blessing. You can make new friends at any age!
- Don’t stop trying. As other posters have said try Meet Ups etc. Groups specifically designed for those seeking the company of others.
- Continue to join clubs etc, commonality of interests is a great starting point for friendship. You’ve said you haven’t made friends this way so far however maybe you need to ‘make the first move’ as it were by asking a club member that you feel you connect with to go for coffee. I’d also suggest volunteering, you get to give something back & often meet some genuinely sound & kind people too.
Try to stay positive, good luck.0 -
Feel for you op. I’m 40, male. Even though I suffered from social anxiety and general shyness growing up I had a reasonable social circle, lots of acquaintances and a couple of close friends but I moved around a lot over the years and have lost touch with everyone. My best friend growing up has moved to the other side of the world and we haven’t been in touch in probably two years now, shot him a text at Xmas but no reply. Had a few close friends in college too but we are all spread all over the place and never really meet or see each other.
One issue I have always had is that I tend to keep people at arms length and will wait to be invited rather than initiate anything socially due to fear of rejection. I think this goes back to a devastating experience I had in my early teens where I was ejected from the circle of friends I had since pre school. The alpha male of the group decided I was no longer worthy of his company and in one swoop I was cut off from every friend I had as he ensured that none of the others talked to me. I think that shaped my teens and I still believe it effects me to this day.
I’m fairly confident and outgoing now and have a successful career, family etc and I’d say my colleagues would never believe that I don’t have friends but I can’t seem to connect with anyone in my new town where I have lived for several years now. I’m an introvert and don’t mind spending time on my own but I’d love to have a few people to go for a pint with at weekends. I don’t really have anybody that I would class as a friend at this stage of my life which upsets me sometimes.
One lifesaver for me has been the gym. I do strength and conditioning classes 3-4 nights a week (pre Covid obviously) and you tend to bump in to the same people there and build up a bit of a rapport as you chat between sets etc. I intend to join the local cycling club in the future as well. I’d agree that you probably won’t make close friends this way but it gets you out of the house chatting to people etc.0 -
OP, I feel your pain. I can empathise with how you feel.
I was sociable throughout my 20s and early 30s. I had lots of acquaintances but no friends. You may think that at least I had people to be sociable with, but honestly I still felt so lonely even though I wasn't alone. I felt that everyone else had a group of close friends that they'd been friends with for years, and I would never be able to infiltrate those groups. But I think it's important to note that just because you see people around you socialising, does not mean that they are leading fulfilled lives.
Now in my late 30s I have come to the realisation that I wouldn't suit a group dynamic anyway. I am much better one on one. I now have a handful of friends. We are not a group, they are all separate friendships. We don't see each other often, but would text or meet for coffee/lunch occasionally. TBH it's enough for me, but I am at a different stage in my life.
I understand how hard it can be when you fall out with a friend, especially one that was your social connection. Given your age and stage in life, I do think that it's important that you find a way of meeting friends and agree with previous posters that meetup might be a great way to do that.
I wish you all the best OP.0 -
Feel for you op. I’m 40, male.
My response is tongue and cheek but there's a serious point in there too...
At 40, you qualify to go to an old man pub by yourself and go for a quiet pint.
Go same time each week and you have drinking buddies in no time I bet.
Now for the serious part...
Lots of people don't have many friends especially as they get into middle years. Remember the phrase 'I married my best friend' in many cases they married their only friend. Notice how many people lean on their siblings or even their kids as well (making friends with the kid's friend's parents).
If you are single you've better luck making friends with other single people. They'll have more time to do stuff for starters!0 -
Upforthematch wrote: »My response is tongue and cheek but there's a serious point in there too...
Yeah it’s a very common issue. Tbh I believe it’s a situational thing mainly with me. I’ve a crazy busy job and young kids that take up so much of my time. We had kids early meaning I didn’t have much time for socialising in my late twenties and thirties. It becomes difficult to make close friends after that no matter how socially adept you are imo. Moving several times for work opportunities has not helped either and my job is not the type of place where people meet for drinks after work even though all my colleagues are friendly.0 -
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You have great advice here and I am not in a position to offer advice on making friends as I am pretty rubbish at it myself but I just HAD TO comment on the college thing.....
F*ck your mum. You have enough self doubts without someone else knocking you down. I went to college and studied what would be deemed an academically difficult course. Stupid people graduate from college every year. You're not stupid, you write far too well, and trust me, there are people who manage to get through college just fine that will literally have you questioning how they even got onto the course in the first place, how they've lived their lives until this point in time without falling for a Nigerian Prince scheme. A girl who was in the bottom 3 of my degree is the only person doing a PhD from the course. Dumb people just get through it, and if idiots can get through an academically rigourous course generally unscathed so can you. It's just about keeping your head down and getting through the CA and exams. I had friends in medicine (arguably one of the more difficult courses in the country) and trust me, the stories I heard, there are some idiots in that course that made me really question if I should ever go to a hospital again. One guy, I can't remember what the pretense was, maybe it was to take blood, tried to cut a patient's carotid artery. That's the artery that gives blood to your brain, if you cut it it's a very quick and messy death. If people like this can get through college, so can you! Do the course! There's a very small chance you'll regret doing it, but a very large chance you'll regret not doing it.0 -
cannotlogin wrote: »Hi, even in your own words, there are a lot of positives:-.
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Op here.
I am doing a DBT course atm, it's online so O haven't actually met anyone. Sometimes I find people like me, that the relationship would be based on that common factor only and it's not exactly a positive one.
Hopefully soon we'll be able to do the course in an actual room together, and maybe I might connect with someone. I just hope there might be more in common.0 -
Wanderer19 wrote: »There's a FB group for women, they meet up, have night's out do different activities, mix of ages and professions. There's what's app groups, they meet on zoom.
I have actually joined girl crew, prob 3 years ago... Nothing has happened in my area! I'm going to rejoin it again.0 -
People think other people are having the best time. They are not. They are too busy wondering what other people are doing and wondering if they are having a better time.
I have to disagree. Friendships and relationships are the answer for me. I have had them in the past and iv either fcuked up somewhere along the way or just my bad luck... I miss them so much. I actually like my own company but the loneliness I experience is too much and not healthy for me.0 -
But we are social animals by nature and having friends is important to the poster otherwise she wouldn’t have posted here.
Your 1st sentence shows u get and understood my dilemma.
I'm probably guilty of not being open enough , for long enough. I'm very afraid to do it. I can think of times I have been, at least I think I have, it's like it comes in waves. 1 day I might be open, next day fully shut. I'm inconsistent with it.
In terms of being vulnerable, I'm not sure if I have been or not. How would I know? How does it show?0 -
Airyfairy12 wrote: »Id suggest joiing girl crew and the like down the line but at this moment, would it make much difference?
You are spot on, it's not meeting people that's the problem it's the connecting and bonding I can't manage and create. It's like I see the people around me all managing it. I discovered last night, a team I am apart of for almost 2 years, had a gathering at one of their houses for drinks. Now they have know each other 10 plus years been bridesmaids for each other's weddings, bit older than me.... But I was invited. They would have been the original team... Still it was just **** to see. It makes me not want to return next season.
The 15 yr friendship. I def did leave her treat me badly tho I did confront her twice about things are it didn't really get anywhere. Tbh she is very immature for her age, and is used of getting her own way. I told her a few home truths she didn't like it one bit. She actually hates me now, her bff told me (and she too agreed with my opinion). Nah that friendship is gone. She is too immature to sort things(couldn't talk face to face or on the phone). Plus she's in a relationship so she doesn't need me anymore. It is a shame.
A lot of your points stand out to me. I probably so have a negative oura around me. I can't help it at times when I feel like this. Like when I see people together, anywhere, anytime it I get hit with it 90 percent of the time.
This morning I went out walking, I was the only person on my own. Partners, sisters families... Everywhere.
The adults judging adults. Again spot on. Where I live and come from, people I know and have known it was a lot of this kind of thinking! Because of it that's why I'm so self conscious of not having friends. And now with the likes of FB and Instagram doesn't help... It's another open platform for judging, and yes I am guilty of it.0 -
Please dont do this. There are no answers in pharmacology, it wont make anything better for you.
I know I know. I've thought this and still do but the hole I'm in has become darker and deeper.
I've had many times I wanted to up the dose, and didn't but I feel like I'm just going around I circles these days and just want something different. I wish I didn't have to, but I guess it's like physical pain u would take more the more the pain got worse.0 -
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AndrewJRenko wrote: »Rather than classes, you might want to try getting involved in active groups that actually do things - it could be a homeless charity, or a political party, or a campaign group. Find something that suits your values so you can get a bit passionate about it. Most of these groups will have plenty of work for people to do, so they'll be very happy to fill your weekends and evenings, and you'll be working with other people of like mind, with similar values.
Yes thats very true. If u have seen in a few previous posts back, I joined a team 2 years ago. Didn't always feel like I fitted in, but last night they had a gathering and I wasn't invited. They would have been the original team, know each other years, bridesmaids for each other etc.... It can be a hit and miss when there has been a click already made and your the last one to arrive.
I mean I am that person whos "new" And they all talk and assume things about me. I'm the outsider by the looks of it. Their not a bunch of bitches, I just don't fit in.0 -
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Op here.
Thanks for all the posts, I do appreciate them.
Has anyone been able to overcome an issue with bonding and connecting to others?
I feel as though I was unlucky in my circumstances growing up. My parents were quiet controlling. They never made effort with other family members, so I'm not close to any cousin's. I know of them but in no ways where I could message one of them and ask to meet up for a coffee.
My siblings were treated quiet badly growing up also, there's a massive dent on our relationships... Have tried to make up with them I'm meant with a blank solid wall everytime.
So much is negative in my life. Like I don't even have 1 normal family relationship like everyone else has. So many people have been saved with having close sisters or cousins to fall back on.
I have been getting help throughout the years and really I'm at a stage and am like why am I still stuck?? Why am I feeling I'm going more reclusive in myself.. Why is my anxiety having more control over me? It's exhausting thinking all of this. Its exhausting seeing people together and me by myself.0
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