Have you ever had depression?

Oneironaut · 25-01-2010 9:02pm

Really thought the replies were top notch, reassuring in a way.

What can I say? I've been very, very down quite a few times. I've always been a tad moody, but it started in secondary school really- the work wasn't difficult, I rarely got into any trouble, had quite a lot of friends. But it was probably the most unstimulating environment I've ever been in. And that was what I found so hard. It's the same in university now- nothing I've done has challenged me in the way I like- the things we've done so far have been tedious and difficult, rather than creatively engaging.

I mask a lot of myself in order, not necessarily to emo-ly 'fit in', but just because I don't feel safe expressing myself to people. I have plenty of friends, but I don't think I've ever had a best friend- I have a bit of trouble getting close to people, so that gets me quite down. It's a really weird, and pretty depressing, when you mute a lot of yourself and people still like you. You sort of end up sneering inside at alot of people- not good! So, I've had trouble with that.

I think the only time I'm ever truly happy in myself is when I'm absorbed in something, or someone. Making other people happy makes me happy. I really don't care that much for myself most of the time, or see what other people like about me. I had a 4 month period where I felt quite alive, because I was involved with someone I didn't have to use all the 'techniques' I employ with most of my other friends- it was just me commuinicating with someone else honestly. And that was great, but I suppose all good things must end!

I guess I'm in a middle-of-the-road mood now, so that's not too bad. I'm trying to get happier- I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and thought "Oh ****!", because I could see quite a lot of myself in main character Ester. The books semi-autobiographical, and if anyone knows Plath's life history- not nice...I've thought about suicide maybe a few times, but I couldn't really harm myself in any way- it creeps me out that people can cut themselves or do things of that nature- that must be what true depression is. And I figure you might as well have a go at life until your time's up.

That's my post. Again, regards to everyone for theirs.

Ginja Ninja · 25-01-2010 10:52pm

kateos wrote:

I have contemplated suicide, however I know I would never act on it.

not to pick you out.But you can't trust yourself.I know I'm setting a double standard here,after me saying I would never act on it.I have seen the after effects and I've seen some of the lowest points you can get to in life,I've learned that there is nothing life worth getting this worried over.Not that we don't all get worried at some point,but never be afriad to say "F*ck you life,It's all just crap"

Extrasupervery wrote: »

+1 on the group hug that someone mentioned a few posts ago.

as a side note,I give Free hugs,if anyone is feeling down :cool:.
Seriously though,there are times when you just need a hug.

I'm happy to talk to friends about this but have as of yet to mentioned it to my parents, who would probably be mighty pleased that I've done something about it, and pay the bills for it (they still haven't worked out where my loan went) but I will in time. Maybe. Let people in, you say? Pfffft.

Don't be ashamed of it,I know the whole "let people in" cliché has been done.But,it is a great feeling of just one day saying "Screw it,here I am." "Take it or leave it ".

I'll admit I never get too open with how I'm feeling with my family as it's a weight they don't need at this point.I'm doing okay with it,I'm still an asshat but that's just how I am.

Remember,we're all a bit messed up.But,not all of us have the balls to own up to it.

also,PM away at me,I am a heartles B*stard but that doesn't bother a lot of people

Pigwidgeon · 25-01-2010 11:01pm

Ginja Ninja wrote: »

not to pick you out.But you can't trust yourself.I know I'm setting a double standard here,after me saying I would never act on it.I have seen the after effects and I've seen some of the lowest points you can get to in life,I've learned that there is nothing life worth getting this worried over.Not that we don't all get worried at some point,but never be afriad to say "F*ck you life,It's all just crap"

Yeah I know I could never trust myself totally, I don't know if I've experienced real depression or not. But the reason I don't think I ever would is, a friend of mine committed suicide 2 years ago, and seeing the effect it had on so many people, some people she barely even knew, means that no matter how low I feel, I don't think I could do that to my family and what few friends I have.

Extrasupervery · 26-01-2010 12:00am

I'm with you on that Kate ^

If I hadn't seen what suicide did to my family it would be a different story. Perhaps if suicide hadn't affected my family so badly we'd be a more functional bunch...whatever.

But yes, we can truly be here for each other. I like the sound of that

D4RK ONION · 26-01-2010 1:27am

I've said it before to people but if anyone here wants to talk about something on their mind, either myself or IO (I haven't asked him but I know he would) are a pm away to chat about whatever's on your mind. Seriously, even if it's something small and you don't think i'd care, it's better to get this stuff out than let it knaw at you.

Arcade Panda · 26-01-2010 1:57am

D4RK ONION wrote: »

I've said it before to people but if anyone here wants to talk about something on their mind, either myself or IO (I haven't asked him but I know he would) are a pm away to chat about whatever's on your mind. Seriously, even if it's something small and you don't think i'd care, it's better to get this stuff out than let it knaw at you.

From your last comment, apparently both:p

ohthebaby · 26-01-2010 1:58am

I don't know if it's depression (and it's more than likely not) but ever since I've started college I just don't feel right in many ways. Like I'm grand when I'm here but at home at the weekends I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time. It's lonely too here. I have my friends but it's the little things that get me. Pathetic things like eating my lunch on my own today... I was nearly crying. It's strange. I miss school and all my friends around me.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

Jay P · 26-01-2010 2:09am

ohthebaby wrote: »

I don't know if it's depression (and it's more than likely not) but ever since I've started college I just don't feel right in many ways. Like I'm grand when I'm here but at home at the weekends I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time. It's lonely too here. I have my friends but it's the little things that get me. Pathetic things like eating my lunch on my own today... I was nearly crying. It's strange. I miss school and all my friends around me.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

I went through that exact thing, though not actually crying (cos I'm a man :P). But things came right eventually. I said in my own post that I'm not the most social person, but I've gradually started talking to people more and more.

Have you friends in your college that you already know? Because hanging out with them is really good, and it helped me loads and loads. I felt like I was stuck in a bit of a rut hanging out with the some of the people I hung out with in school, but Ive got two really good friends now because of it. College is scary. It scares me trying to get to know the people on my course, but I'm getting by just grand.

I know that might not help a whole lot, but things will eventually come right.

Also, I think I speak for everyone when I say:
There's no need to be sorry!
This thread is for talking about this kind of thing. Don't feel like you're getting in the way or anything.

D4RK ONION · 26-01-2010 2:12am

okay, first of all,It's just college. I know that seems easy for me to say but it shouldn't be. I'm doing a course which has, over the part 2.5 years, broken me down emotionally a few times. But I just tell myself, it's just a course. It's 3/4 years out what will hopefully be a 90 year long life for you. If you drop out, (and if you're finding it this taxing, there's no shame in it) that's one tiny year in your life. Take a year out, chill, explore the world, work and make some money, think about what you want to do next year, and take another stab at it. It takes a lot more bravery to put your hands up and say i'm not ready for this, than to stick it out for another 3 years.

Ditto to what jay p said too, you've nothing to be sorry for, depression is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it something to be sorry for. You're only human

Arcade Panda · 26-01-2010 2:21am

ohthebaby wrote: »

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

Did someone call the resident C&H college dropout?!:)

I was in an arts course aswell and I think the strangest thing to grasp when you start into them is how ****ing alone you are..it's horrible. I dropped because I went into my lectures everyday feeling like I was drowning...constantly worried, constantly stressed.

*hugs*

your not a failure, you just might not have found the right course and that happens to loads of people!

del88 · 26-01-2010 2:26am

ohthebaby wrote: »

I don't know if it's depression (and it's more than likely not) but ever since I've started college I just don't feel right in many ways. Like I'm grand when I'm here but at home at the weekends I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time. It's lonely too here. I have my friends but it's the little things that get me. Pathetic things like eating my lunch on my own today... I was nearly crying. It's strange. I miss school and all my friends around me.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

Hi ohthebaby.

First of all sorry to hear your not feeling yourself.(if i could give you a big hug i would)
Starting college can be a real shock to the system, it's probably up there with getting married,buying a house as far as stress is concerned.I'm not a doctor ,so i don't want and am not qualified to give an opinion on wether your depressed or not .But you do sound quiet down.

I'm sure other people will say it to you,but you really should talk to a friend or maybe a councilor in you college...it's can be hard to do ,but it will speed up getting back to your self.

It's great that you've come on the site and talked about this...hopefully it's the first step in the right direction....and I'm sure there are people out there reading your post feeling the same but to scared to even post anything.
Maybe they will now .
Thanks for sharing...

Extrasupervery · 26-01-2010 2:35am

ohthebaby wrote: »

I don't know if it's depression (and it's more than likely not) but ever since I've started college I just don't feel right in many ways. Like I'm grand when I'm here but at home at the weekends I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time. It's lonely too here. I have my friends but it's the little things that get me. Pathetic things like eating my lunch on my own today... I was nearly crying. It's strange. I miss school and all my friends around me.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

Where do you go to college? I'm in first arts at ucd...and fairly outgoing...but **** it's easy to get lost amongst 2000 other kids. Specially since the vast majority came here with friends. I resolved myself to actively putting myself out there in September so I wouldn't get lost in the vastness that is arts and that worked fine, but some days it gets to me... It's pretty much survival of the fittest!

Dj Stiggie · 26-01-2010 2:42am

First of all can I just say fair play to everyone for being so open. My cousin committed suicide nearly 2 years ago and I wish he was as open as the people here.

With regards to depression, I don't think I've ever suffered from it. I've been very down, but I've gotten through. I have a physical condition that's gotten me down at times, but I always pick myself up. I'm not usually one for talking about it.

I have friends who suffer from depression and it can being hard being there for them especially when they're particularly down and all I can do is helplessly listen. But at the end of the day when they come back around its totally worth it.

Good luck to everyone who's suffering from depression (or is just going through a rough spell), and I hope things start to look up soon

Extrasupervery · 26-01-2010 2:43am

ohthebaby wrote: »

I don't know if it's depression (and it's more than likely not) but ever since I've started college I just don't feel right in many ways. Like I'm grand when I'm here but at home at the weekends I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time. It's lonely too here. I have my friends but it's the little things that get me. Pathetic things like eating my lunch on my own today... I was nearly crying. It's strange. I miss school and all my friends around me.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

My (not so) extensive stalking has revealed you to be a trinner winner.

Different college - same situation. PM me if you want a chat.

[fer serious]

hitlersson666 · 26-01-2010 12:54pm

if anyone wants to have a rant or get something off there chest im only a PM away so go nuts

thanks for everyone's honesty as well after doing drive for life in school i ended up compleatley revaulating my life and now i realise how lucky i am to have it!

LoonyLovegood · 26-01-2010 5:48pm

Oh The Baby,

Feel free to tell me to go to h-e-double hockey sticks (get the simpsons reference?), but get yourself checked out. The way you're explaining yourself is exactly how I felt. Go talk to someone, for all our sakes

And, also, I'm just a PM away. Seriously, I really do want to talk to anyone who needs it.

Ginja Ninja · 26-01-2010 9:13pm

CTYIgirl wrote: »

Oh The Baby,

Feel free to tell me to go to h-e-double hockey sticks (get the simpsons reference?), QUOTE]
it was actually a film before it was mentioned in the simpsons,oh yeah.pedantics FTW.

to hop on the bandwagon,My PM's are open and I've been through a lot of the stuff being mentioned here.

@ oh the baby: I'm gonna sound like an ass,but are you sure you're "made" for college? some people just aren't.if it's more then your course that you don't like,maybe you should look at it as an option.

Aoibheann · 26-01-2010 11:21pm

ohthebaby wrote: »

I don't know if it's depression (and it's more than likely not) but ever since I've started college I just don't feel right in many ways. Like I'm grand when I'm here but at home at the weekends I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time. It's lonely too here. I have my friends but it's the little things that get me. Pathetic things like eating my lunch on my own today... I was nearly crying. It's strange. I miss school and all my friends around me.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

Ok, going to ask a few questions here because I know that I definitely had most of those feelings my first time out in college. Do you find your course interesting? Sometimes I felt like I couldn't do anything, study anything purely because I wasn't motivated enough to go near a book. It wasn't that I wasn't smart, I'm arrogant enough to say I am (:P), I just wasn't motivated to study something I didn't have an interest in. Is there a chance that it might be the same for you? Do you enjoy any aspect of the course?

There is absolutely *no* shame in leaving a course - it's NOT a failure on your behalf if you decide to leave. The way I saw it, there wasn't enough good things about my course to outweigh the bad, and something that's going to decide your life has to have more good than bad, for me anyway. If you feel that there's not enough positive things, it's ok to leave.

At this point (I'm not sure on this though), you possibly could leave and only have to pay half-fees on any new course you started. But again, another question - is there anything you'd rather study?

It's ok to feel afraid, every single one of us is terrified starting something so completely new and different. It's just that nobody thinks that anyone else feels that way, everyone bottles things up and nobody ever talks about it. Hence threads like this are useful!

Is your tutor approachable (iirc you're a Trinity student)? I'd seriously advise making an appointment with them this week and talking through things. That, and I can't recommend the various counselling services the college has enough.. even a chat with the welfare officer, he's a lovely guy.

If you ever even want to chat to someone fairly anonymous, I've been in a fairly similar situation myself so I get how you're feeling - drop me a PM anytime, I mean it.

*hugs* for you, and I hope things start looking up. Also, I recommend TCD beers for making friends, I've made some seriously lovely ones from it!

Also, never apologise for something like that!

This thread is here for us to talk about these sort of issues and you're not taking it over! I'm glad you posted here rather than bottling it up, and everyone here is glad to listen/offer some advice - a lot of us have been in the same situation I guess!

ohthebaby · 27-01-2010 1:04am

Ok, long-post-coming-up-alert...

You guys are brilliant. Like seriously brilliant. Just looking at all the stuff ye said is so lovely. I'm not half as serious as some people could be but ye are so kind and nice and I feel a tear coming to my eye! (for good reasons of course)

Jay P wrote: »

Also, I think I speak for everyone when I say:
There's no need to be sorry!
This thread is for talking about this kind of thing. Don't feel like you're getting in the way or anything.

I think you've touched on something here that I didn't write last night because I just didn't want to think about it. I think it's more that college for me, like I know it's obviously bothering me too but I've always felt a kind of inadequacy in myself. Like I just don't measure up to other people - be it in looks, personality, wit... The list is endless. I know it's silly and I know everybody is the same but it's a feeling I've had for years. It's like a feeling of not being good enough, not worthy or something.

D4RK ONION wrote: »

okay, first of all,It's just college. I know that seems easy for me to say but it shouldn't be. I'm doing a course which has, over the part 2.5 years, broken me down emotionally a few times. But I just tell myself, it's just a course. It's 3/4 years out what will hopefully be a 90 year long life for you. If you drop out, (and if you're finding it this taxing, there's no shame in it) that's one tiny year in your life. Take a year out, chill, explore the world, work and make some money, think about what you want to do next year, and take another stab at it. It takes a lot more bravery to put your hands up and say i'm not ready for this, than to stick it out for another 3 years.

Ditto to what jay p said too, you've nothing to be sorry for, depression is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it something to be sorry for. You're only human

Arcade Panda wrote: »

Did someone call the resident C&H college dropout?!:)

I was in an arts course aswell and I think the strangest thing to grasp when you start into them is how ****ing alone you are..it's horrible. I dropped because I went into my lectures everyday feeling like I was drowning...constantly worried, constantly stressed.

*hugs*

your not a failure, you just might not have found the right course and that happens to loads of people!

Yes! It is unreal how lonely you feel in a big lecture hall, knowing nobody. It feels like everybody already has their groups (which they obviously have by now) and are all matched off. It's just a very daunting experience, especially coming from a small school as I did, constantly surrounded by friends and craic and the like.

I can relate to the constant worry and stress. I was writing rubbish for a tutorial tonight and I could barely do it. Like how will an exam work!?

Extrasupervery wrote: »

Where do you go to college? I'm in first arts at ucd...and fairly outgoing...but **** it's easy to get lost amongst 2000 other kids. Specially since the vast majority came here with friends. I resolved myself to actively putting myself out there in September so I wouldn't get lost in the vastness that is arts and that worked fine, but some days it gets to me... It's pretty much survival of the fittest!

True!!

Extrasupervery wrote: »

My (not so) extensive stalking has revealed you to be a trinner winner.

Different college - same situation. PM me if you want a chat.

[fer serious]

That's some good stalking there! And thanks.

CTYIgirl wrote: »

Oh The Baby,

Feel free to tell me to go to h-e-double hockey sticks (get the simpsons reference?), but get yourself checked out. The way you're explaining yourself is exactly how I felt. Go talk to someone, for all our sakes

And, also, I'm just a PM away. Seriously, I really do want to talk to anyone who needs it.

Ginja Ninja wrote: »

@ oh the baby: I'm gonna sound like an ass,but are you sure you're "made" for college? some people just aren't.if it's more then your course that you don't like,maybe you should look at it as an option.

See I think this is what gets me. College is supposed to be for me. Ok please don't think I'm arrogant and I hate actually writing this but I was like the smart girl in school. Pretty much perfect results all the time. It became what I was known for and school was what I did best. It's not that I wanted it that way, I was by no means a study freak believe me but that was, I suppose, my identity.

And suddenly not being able to cope with work and stuff is just completely throwing me. Everyone expects me to be able to cope with it all, even when I say anything to anyone I know, it's always like 'OMG of course you will be able for it!' But I'm not!

And I don't really care what other people think but I don't know, in a way dropping out would be a sort of failure to me.

I hope that didn't come off as arrogance! Because I am not arrogant at all!

Aoibheann wrote: »

Ok, going to ask a few questions here because I know that I definitely had most of those feelings my first time out in college. Do you find your course interesting? Sometimes I felt like I couldn't do anything, study anything purely because I wasn't motivated enough to go near a book. It wasn't that I wasn't smart, I'm arrogant enough to say I am (:P), I just wasn't motivated to study something I didn't have an interest in. Is there a chance that it might be the same for you? Do you enjoy any aspect of the course?

I knew what I was going to be studying, like seriously knew, as in knew every single detail and I thought it sounded great but to be honest I think it's crap. Like I do like some stuff but I jsut don't think I'm able for it. It's just so frustrating. I did love the subjects I chose but that love is seriously dwindling.

Aoibheann wrote: »

It's ok to feel afraid, every single one of us is terrified starting something so completely new and different. It's just that nobody thinks that anyone else feels that way, everyone bottles things up and nobody ever talks about it. Hence threads like this are useful!

Is your tutor approachable (iirc you're a Trinity student)? I'd seriously advise making an appointment with them this week and talking through things. That, and I can't recommend the various counselling services the college has enough.. even a chat with the welfare officer, he's a lovely guy.

Met tutor before about this, to be honest he wasn't too helpful. But the welfare officer I should give a try, he seems nice.

Aoibheann wrote: »

If you ever even want to chat to someone fairly anonymous, I've been in a fairly similar situation myself so I get how you're feeling - drop me a PM anytime, I mean it. *hugs* for you, and I hope things start looking up. Also, I recommend TCD beers for making friends, I've made some seriously lovely ones from it!

Also, never apologise for something like that! This thread is here for us to talk about these sort of issues and you're not taking it over! I'm glad you posted here rather than bottling it up, and everyone here is glad to listen/offer some advice - a lot of us have been in the same situation I guess!

I totally took over this thread with all my stuff but I thikn writing that last night was good and seeing what you guys had to say amde me think about other things I have going on in my head.

To be honest I think it's completely messed up. Like I said before I'm always ready to cry, and as I just mentioned up there there's all these horrible feelings about myself. Self destructive thoughts I heard them referred to as before which is I suppose what they are.

I've always felt little bits of self hatred, about looks and just the way I am and I can see clearly now how destructive they can be. Over the years I think I have completely destroyed any confidence I had. I'm constantly measuring myself up against others and I never win.

It's these feelings of worthlessness and uselessness that I think you guys made me realise properly that I have. And I think this whole college thing is making them boil over. I'm fine during the day but it's nights and when I'm on my own that I really feel down.

Again, I don't know if it's depression depression but it sure is a rotten way to be. Months of this now just have me pissed off and I think I'm going to tell me mother all this at the weekend. Up to this I just told her about the college stuff but writing this and reading your replies made me realise that I think there is more going on.

Sorry for completely taking this thread over, you'd swear it was mine. And none of that up there probably makes sense cos I'm in such a flurry writing this and I still have work to do for tomorrow so oops if it's all mixed up.

Oh and you guys, you rock. :cool:

A Neurotic · 27-01-2010 1:10am

Hey, ohthebaby, I've just remembered, I know it was way back when in Freshers' Week but the invitation to 87.03 still stands, anytime! I think I'm actually friends with one of your next-door neighbours, or possibly one of your flatmates, not sure...

degausserxo · 27-01-2010 1:24am

ohthebaby wrote: »

I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Crying at night is now nothing strange to me.

My course is hard. I never expected college to be easy but I just can't handle this. I was very good in school and it's not that I expected to be able to do everything but I mean it's ridiculous. Arts degrees aren't supposed to be rocket science. I don't know maybe its like a mental block or something. It's really making me upset and at times all I feel is dispair. I genuinely cannot see me being able to even attempt exams. I can't do an essay with five books in front of me!

I'm just really pissed off and down a lot of the time.

Everything seems so confusing and I really don't know where I'm going. It just all seems a mess. If I drop out in a way I feel it's like failing. Then that means starting a whole new thing next year, paying for it, maybe not liking it. I'm just afraid. I just don't know what to do. Ha, nearly crying again now.

So sorry for this, taking over a depression thread. Just reading everyone elses I thought I should write my own feelings about it. So sorry I've prob completely exaggerated this compared to people who are really bad with self harm thoughts and that so sorry.

Hey. I've deleted a few bits in your post that weren't relevant to what I was replying to. The post above was me epitomised in October. I was completely unhappy with my course, devestated because I loved the subjects I was doing before I went to college, but they were so difficult once I got in there that it made me hate them. I didn't want to be in an environment that was making me unhappy and destryoing my love of something that has developed over the years.

My parents could not understand why I was dropping out; my dad in particular. I felt like a failure at the time, but I got over that when I realised that I was compromising my happiness and mental wellbeing for four years. I always wanted to be a vet, and gave up on myself in October of sixth year. I didn't do a tap of study and ended up getting 485 points. I know that I could have gotten the requirements for vet med had I have believed in myself. You need to believe in yourself. Being in an environment that's making you feel perpetually annoyed, depressed, lonely and 'constantly on the verge of tears' is not a good idea. I'm not trying to be like AAAAAGH YOU SHOULD DROP OUT, COLLEGE IS EEEEEVIL, but if it's compromising your well being and impacting your life this much, you should definitely consider it. So you don't know what to do. Hell, my sister didn't know what she wanted to do, did a whole bunch of courses, from sound engineering to German (booo, the reason I dropped out

) to business, until she found what she wanted to do (reiki, incase you're wondering!). Not everyone knows what they want to do straight away. You're only human. I agree with.. I'm gonna guess D.O., I can't remember, sorry!, take a year or two out, and find yourself. There's no point in doing four years of something that makes you unhappy only to end up with a degree for a job that you don't want. It's not the end of the world if you decide not to go back to college alltogether. Do what makes you happy. I hope you feel better. x

D4RK ONION · 27-01-2010 1:25am

ohthebaby wrote: »

And I think this whole college thing is making them boil over. I'm fine during the day but it's nights and when I'm on my own that I really feel down.

I can totally sympathise with this, it sucks being down and on your own. There is nothing more dangerous than a quiet room where it's just you and your mind and you are being battered with these constant thoughts. If I'm ever getting down, it's usually because I haven't had any proper human interaction in a while. A pizza with my friends does wonders, takes your mind off, well you and let's you have a bit of fun.

If that's not an option, this forum always has at least one person in it until about 3 O'Clock, and you can use it to engage with some people here (we are real people, not just words!) and take your mind off worrying.

That or occupy yourself. TV, movies, video games (this is my one

) are all great escapism tools that allow you to get lost in something where you don't have to think about the trials and tribulations of life.

Finally, get some college friends, some good ones. Ones that you can hang out with in the evening and do fun stuff with (like making snowmen!). The beauty of college is there's always at least one person out there like you, shur look, I'm in MARY FRICKIN I, the complete anti-D4RK ONION and I found that tool Insect overlord to entertain me! I suggest you take up A. Neurotic's offer for a visit some time soon

PS: you didn't take over the thread, that's why it's here

Oh and I'm so proud of the rest of you guys, srsly

jumpguy · 27-01-2010 1:37am

D4RK ONION wrote: »

I can totally sympathise with this, it sucks being down and on your own. There is nothing more dangerous than a quiet room where it's just you and your mind and you are being battered with these constant thoughts. If I'm ever getting down, it's usually because I haven't had any proper human interaction in a while. A pizza with my friends does wonders, takes your mind off, well you and let's you have a bit of fun.

I can completely sympathize with this too, I completely overthink things at night when I'm on my own. One of the main reasons I fixed my sleeping pattern quick-fast tbh. It was kinda what I was getting at with that "Nocturnal Teens More Likely to Suffer From Depression" thread a while back...which I think has a good deal of truth to it (the part about staying up late and feeling down anyway).

Also the same with human interaction.

D4RK ONION · 27-01-2010 1:44am

When I was about 15 or so, nights were long and horrible, it took ages for my brain to shut up. Then I came upon some sort of epiphany.

There's nothing you can do about right now!

You're lying in bed, it's 1 in the morning, any problems you'd like to fix are currently out the window, so just forget about them and worry your arse off in the morning (which you never do

).

It's a strategy which most likely saved my mental sanity, and one which I still use pretty much every night to this day. If any of ye could take one thing away from this thread that I've written and use it to improve your lives, it would be this, a million times.

Aoibheann · 27-01-2010 1:53am

ohthebaby wrote: »

And I don't really care what other people think but I don't know, in a way dropping out would be a sort of failure to me.

I hope that didn't come off as arrogance! Because I am not arrogant at all!

I know that feeling exactly. I don't think it's arrogance, it just feels like a personal failure. It's not. I think thoroughly hating something and forcing yourself to stick with it would be more of a failure nearly. Dropping out doesn't make you a loser or anything like it.

ohthebaby wrote: »

I knew what I was going to be studying, like seriously knew, as in knew every single detail and I thought it sounded great but to be honest I think it's crap. Like I do like some stuff but I jsut don't think I'm able for it. It's just so frustrating. I did love the subjects I chose but that love is seriously dwindling.

And I definitely, definitely knew that feeling. I thought I knew my course inside out before I went there. I hated it. Hated, hated, hated it. I liked a few very select parts, but the rest? Mind-numbingly dull. Couldn't focus enough on them to read about them, let alone try to study. Unfortunately our expectations don't always match what things turn out to be like.

Is there anything else you'd consider studying, or is there any chance the course will improve this term/next year?

ohthebaby wrote: »

Met tutor before about this, to be honest he wasn't too helpful. But the welfare officer I should give a try, he seems nice.

Do, he genuinely is very easy to talk to, and you can just pop into his office for a chat anyway!

Ginja Ninja · 27-01-2010 9:07am

ohthebaby: I'm pretty sure I made a post very similar to that in PI back in september,I'm from a very small school too[25 in my LC class] and had never spent any amount of time in the city.

My way of toning it all down was my ipod and noise excluder headphones.

I know how your feeling,you sound a lot like me: Very intelligent[how humble am I?] and never had to study really?

sounds like me: I've an IQ of 147 and have known since third year where I was going to go to college,I realised about may this year that there was no point in worrying over it: I hate studying and knew that thhe course I wanted was even more of it. So,I instead spent 2 weeks getting hi scores on most of miniclip games,showed up to my LC and said"IF I fail,I fail".

I'm not saying you're not good enough for college.I'm taking myself as an example,I'm probably the most intelligent guy in my course,but I found out that the thing I'm happiest doing is out in a shed full of cows,not very mind intensive stuff,but it's what I want.

So,if you're not happy with your course,talk to someone of the programme office people/welfare officer and see if it's really the course that gets you.

And if your getting a physical reaction to your mood,it's depression:If you're not hungry/not sleeping,keep an eye on it and don't be afraid to ask for help,people are nice by default you know.

and I'd take up a_neurotic on his offer,you can see him do the "elf-face".

I'd like to personally thank everyone who has replied to this,You guys are awesome.Internet folk are really nice people

Extrasupervery · 27-01-2010 9:31am

What he said^

People here are so nice, you guys rock. Really.

DOC09UNAM · 27-01-2010 10:12am

Jay P wrote: »

I disagree. I've contemplated it, if by contemplated you mean I've gone over the will power it would take me to go through with such an act, considering how much I like to be alive. Also the consequences for my family and friends, and even people who don't know me that well. I've never seriously considered suicide in any way, shape or form.
I think many people would do what I've done, and just be turned away from the idea. In fact, I think nearly everybody would be turned away from the idea if they thought about all of that.

I do understand though that some people just think they're better off.

Sorry for the late reply, and I am in no way saying you are wrong, I was just saying that most people have thought about/contemplated suicide at least once in their lives, and depression is a factor that coincides with that.

That said, this has been a good thread, very informative, and glad to see everyone is being open about it all!

ohthebaby · 28-01-2010 3:11am

A Neurotic wrote: »

Hey, ohthebaby, I've just remembered, I know it was way back when in Freshers' Week but the invitation to 87.03 still stands, anytime! I think I'm actually friends with one of your next-door neighbours, or possibly one of your flatmates, not sure...

87.03?? No way?? I was there tonight for about ten minutes! There was some beer bonging taking place... Which I was not a part of.

But anyway thanks for the offer. I'm sure I will meet you somewhere, sometime, somehow! It's nice to know there's somebody there to listen. I really can't get over how nice everybody here is.

D4RK ONION wrote: »

If that's not an option, this forum always has at least one person in it until about 3 O'Clock, and you can use it to engage with some people here (we are real people, not just words!) and take your mind off worrying.

PS: you didn't take over the thread, that's why it's here Oh and I'm so proud of the rest of you guys, srsly

I love this place and ye. I'm so spending more time here.

Extrasupervery wrote: »

People here are so nice, you guys rock. Really.

Too true.

I just want to say writing stuff here, even though it wasn't very much, has kind of helped me to sort out all that was going on in my head. It was just so muddled up. Like it still is but seeing it written down just does something different.

I think writing it here was a good idea. I know it's silly but sometimes telling somebody you're very close to the truth is hard. I would find it hard to tell my friends what I've written here (even though it's not much), it's just I've always been 'happy me' or whatever. I'm kind of seen as the strong one on our group or something like that and I don't know but it would be hard to open up with something like this. I mean we're close but I don't know.

Anyway I'm going to tell my mother all this at the weekend. Still have a lot of decisions and stuff to make but clearing all the upset that's inside my head should be done first.

I know I didn't really write much, and I mean my problems are totally insignificent when you hear of serious serious cases but I just want to say thanks to all of you. You are all so lovely and I know that if there's something I just can't tell my friends right now that there are people here for me. I'm by no means completely carefree or whatever but I think you guys have helped me with your kindness and just your spreading of the loooove. I sound like such a drama queen writing all this but whatever.

Thanks guys!

Ginja Ninja · 28-01-2010 8:41am

ohthebaby wrote: »

Anyway I'm going to tell my mother all this at the weekend. Still have a lot of decisions and stuff to make but clearing all the upset that's inside my head should be done first.

I know I didn't really write much, and I mean my problems are totally insignificent when you hear of serious serious cases but I just want to say thanks to all of you. You are all so lovely and I know that if there's something I just can't tell my friends right now that there are people here for me. I'm by no means completely carefree or whatever but I think you guys have helped me with your kindness and just your spreading of the loooove. I sound like such a drama queen writing all this but whatever.

Thanks guys!

it's good you're telling someone how you're feeling.

how important you're problems are is a matter of perspective,Failing his exams killed my brother,whereas most people sren't too phased by it.Don't ever feel like your problems aren't important,it's as important as you make it.

Have you ever had depression?

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