Have you ever had depression?

Woow_Aqualung

jumpguy wrote: »

This may possibly one of the most ignorant (and perhaps inappropriate) questions I've asked in a long time, but feckit anyway:

Is there a link between depression and intelligence?

In primary school we were talking about death in class, and our teacher told us "There are people who think too much about death, and people who don't. And I can tell you that the people who don't think too much are far happier". When I think about this, most of the times I've been down was because I was thinking about how depressing life can be, such as how people starve to death. I suppose a very intelligent person who would think about this type of thing a lot would be more liable to be depressed.

Plautus

Hey all. Just saw this thread and decided I'd share about my own ordeal and overcoming it. Sorry about the length, but only read it if you want to (or have insomnia, like I do!)

Getting a diagnosis was a bit ... difficult, like others have intimated here. The family doctor first saw me over a year and a half ago now, when I was going through what I can only describe as a real crisis just before the start of the second term of what was supposed to be my final year in university. Refused to give a diagnosis; said I was merely suffering 'panic' and 'nerves'. Prescribed anti-depressants but never told me they were anti-depressants or advised me as to the side-effects. It took my own research to find out that it was fecking Effexor, which isn't usually a first-line drug.

I had let work get piled up on top of me. My motivation was sapped; I believed I could do nothing right at that stage and that I was useless. This hateful inner monologue was perfectly normal: my counselor has since described it as a belief, which others who've attended her also describe, that if you're not tangibly 'suffering' or performing major exertion you feel you've done 'nothing'.

It's close to perfectionist thinking. The mountain's too big: something's not worth doing that can't be done right and you put it all off.

I was a good student - I had some external reinforcement of this because I'd been top of my class for the previous two years - but now that I remember it, at the time I was ill I was convinced that it was all a grand deception job: that I'd 'conned' them and 'hoodwinked' the college authorities because I felt I hadn't done a stroke of work to merit what I felt was an undeserved accolade.

Anyway, I also felt I had no choice but to withdraw from university. I wanted to run away from it all because I'd become so sick of academic work and it made me feel worthless.

---

I re-started the final year of my degree programme in September of 2009; I'd not taken the medication which the family doctor had prescribed me but had seen a private counselor for the intervening period outside of college. I did feel better with space and time but I had done nothing to essentially change the destructive spiral of thoughts.

I can only say it in hindsight but it was a power of wills I was continuously losing to try and stave off negative thinking. My academic work however went along swimmingly until precisely the same point as the previous year.

This time though, I was absolutely determined that this was a real illness. I wasn't going to be fobbed off. I felt bad, really much worse than the previous occasion in some ways. Again, with hindsight I can see it was casebook depression - I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably for half an hour at a time, alternating between a state of stability where I was reassuring myself and then being overwhelmed by some dark force which immediately dragged me back down and purported to show me the bleak 'reality' without hope that was in fact in store for me. My appetite disappeared, my sleep became disturbed and I didn't want to sleep anyway as that would give me more 'time' in the face of some vague dread that I was anticipating. This was starting to become eh ... not very much based in reality at all, shall we say. I was calculating a train of events riffing off of being unable to complete my degree that invariably culminated in death or life-long helplessness and loneliness.

I presented to the university counselor I had first seen a year ago once again in an agitated and frightened state. I was rocking back and forth, clasping my face in my hands, crying, sobbing - I sounded and felt like I was in real physical pain. I was of course: that's what not eating and sleeping will do to you.

An emergency appointment with a doctor was arranged for the following day. I was asked then if I had contemplated suicide – I had, but it was only ideation – i.e. giving serious consideration to doing it but not bringing it to any further stage of planning or implementation.

The doctor I saw lifted a weight off my shoulders by telling me what my own GP had refused to tell me – that I most certainly had depression but that a meeting with a consultant psychiatrist should be arranged to get as nuanced a diagnosis as possible. I consented and began a course of Lexapro the same day, which the doctor advised would have tangible benefits but could take up to four weeks to become effective; with even better results six to eight weeks down the road. She reassured me by the level of understanding she displayed on the spot – telling me that it was going to be difficult and that she knew how one might be in a limbo of being de-motivated yet dreadfully anxious about being inactive and fearing all manner of consequences.

---

That's what it was like for the next two weeks. I'd lie inconsolable in bed for a lot of the day, staring out at the bleak winter or watching 24 hour news on the internet (not exactly helpful, I know) and mentally suffocating. I did drag myself to lectures because the doctor advised that I keep it up but each and every time I went along I felt unable to concentrate, undergoing 'ups and downs' in very short spaces of time (say 20 minutes) and had a nagging feeling that the whole enterprise was futile. One day my usual counselor wasn't able to see me and I simply had to get an emergency appointment: I was a human ball of worry and hyperventilating. All I remember is muttering incomprehensibly about how I wasn't going to be able to finish my dissertation at all (this was January, the dissertation wasn't due until the end of April) and that my life was over.

Once I got to see the psychiatrist the dosage was immediately upped and she told me about the effects of endorphins released through some kind of strenuous exercise, in other words anything that got you to sweat and pant, which could have a great calming effect and help to clear the mind. To my surprise, it did help. By about the start of February, with the skies brightening and the regime I'd been prescribed working for me I was starting to feel hopeful.

I then liaised with the disability support service who organised for me to defer one of my summer exams and a piece of project work that were both compromised by the write-off month of January. From then on I started to feel as if everything was more do-able. By about the middle of the month I was once again fervently writing. I cautiously began to believe I was getting back to my old self.

I was attending counseling throughout this period and thrashing out my negative patterns of thought: this time though it was much easier to identify and arrest them thanks to the stability provided by the medication. The medication I was prescribed this time was also far more appropriate than an SNRI like Effexor: it was a highly targeted SSRI with minimal side-effects. I felt like a zombie for the very brief time I was on Effexor, with wildly dilated pupils, zero sex drive and a strange 'detached' feeling.

Unlike the last time, I had also hidden this latest 'episode' from my mother. The year previously I made the mistake of telling her how I was feeling. She castigated me out of hand as 'running away from my problems', basically inferring that I had made it up and asking with tones of indignation and incredulity if I had really 'gone upstairs, so'. When I verbally retaliated (and the Effexor really did make me aggressive for some reason) she made herself into the victim and called me a good for nothing bastard who used her for money and little else. Indeed, she wondered aloud why I wasn't one of those people who, instead of dwelling on the past, apparently, picked themselves up and got on with it and 'forgot'.

For my part I didn't know specifically what she was suggesting I forget – my very present difficulties, my very real and present pain or the past that was indeed contributing to it: her over-bearing style of parenting and my father's alcoholism never interfered with our material welfare when I was growing up but otherwise furnished my brother and I with a broken, dysfunctional family in need of the clearing of the air a divorce might have brought. It was from that point on that I decided I would let her know little of my true feelings in the future.

It was incredibly sad – my own mother was now the gravest threat to me whom I felt I had to guard against. She calmed down afterward, and made the right noises, but it all seemed a bit hollow and sheepish compared with the vitriol that had animated her earlier. I resolved then that I would, privately, not forgive her.

I still haven't. Only my father - whom she repeatedly belittled and belittles - stood by me through the entire thing and so it was only him that I told of my difficulties this time around. The difference in outcomes has been stark: I'm now looking forward to finishing my degree and going on to do further research. I genuinely feel, with occasional down days, that I am not back to my old self but a much improved self that knows the dangers of low self-esteem and self-loathing and what the abyss felt like.

If I could say one thing about it all it's that I'd never lie to anyone (well, one person excepted) about what I went through. It gave me much greater understanding of and sympathy for the human condition and really made me much less callous about myself and others.

sheep-go-baa

I am inclined to say that I do have depression but I think i'm not really entitled to say that for sure as I've never seen a doctor about it. I can just never bring myself to do it.

Extrasupervery

Go see a doctor ^ And if they're shít, which they very likely may be, (no offence doctors and future doctors, mental health is treated atrociously in this country. Go change it) then go see another. And another. And say LISTEN TO ME MOFO. And they will. I finally got a doctor to listen to me, she prescribed me lexapro and is sending me off to some psych...something-y person. No idea how any of this will pan out but having eventually done something about it makes me feel more in control already, which has got to be a good thing. (Even if silly antidepressant pills have silly side effects. Boo.)

A Neurotic

Extrasupervery wrote: »

(no offence doctors and future doctors, mental health is treated atrociously in this country. Go change it)

I'm on it :P

sheep-go-baa

Extrasupervery wrote: »

Go see a doctor ^ And if they're shít, which they very likely may be, (no offence doctors and future doctors, mental health is treated atrociously in this country. Go change it) then go see another. And another. And say LISTEN TO ME MOFO. And they will. I finally got a doctor to listen to me, she prescribed me lexapro and is sending me off to some psych...something-y person. No idea how any of this will pan out but having eventually done something about it makes me feel more in control already, which has got to be a good thing. (Even if silly antidepressant pills have silly side effects. Boo.)

I'm kinda psyching myself up to do it, will get there soon hopefully
But the only thing is I'm only 17 and just cannot tell my family, not happening for me. Does anyone know if I can just go in by myself?

Fad

sheep-go-baa wrote: »

I'm kinda psyching myself up to do it, will get there soon hopefully
But the only thing is I'm only 17 and just cannot tell my family, not happening for me. Does anyone know if I can just go in by myself?

If you can afford the appointment fee, I dont think they'll contact your parents without asking you.

Extrasupervery

sheep-go-baa wrote: »

I'm kinda psyching myself up to do it, will get there soon hopefully
But the only thing is I'm only 17 and just cannot tell my family, not happening for me. Does anyone know if I can just go in by myself?

Yes you most definitely can! If you don't want your family to know then perhaps you should consider going to someone who isn't your family doctor? If that's possible.

Good luck!

SarcasticFairy

sheep-go-baa wrote: »

I'm kinda psyching myself up to do it, will get there soon hopefully
But the only thing is I'm only 17 and just cannot tell my family, not happening for me. Does anyone know if I can just go in by myself?

I'm almost entirely certain that once you're over 16, they cannot tell your parents without your permission without breaching all kinds of confidentiality agreements, so you can almost definitely go on your own without them finding out

EDIT: I was just clarifying Extrasupervery's point in that while it'd prolly be beneficial to go to a different doctor, if you wish to go to your own one, they aren't legally allowed to randomly spew anything you tell them, back to your parents!

almostnever

sheep-go-baa wrote: »

I'm kinda psyching myself up to do it, will get there soon hopefully
But the only thing is I'm only 17 and just cannot tell my family, not happening for me. Does anyone know if I can just go in by myself?

Once you're 16 or over, you can go by yourself and the doctor won't say anything to your family if that's what you want. Best of luck!

ihavequestions

I'm depressed every day, it is so horrible. I think about suicide everyday and have attempted it twice, whuch makes me feel even worse. I can't afford councelling (don't know would I like the idea of it anyways) . I hate my life and myself SO much. I can't think of one thing in my life worth living for! I just want to fast forward 10 years where everything will be different and I will have FULL control on my life.

Extrasupervery

Whereabouts do you live? Free counselling services are available...some places. And if you don't like the idea you can at least give it a try, right? It might turn things around for you. The most important thing is to just get it out - how you're feeling. Tell people you trust, tell us here (it'll help immensely. Promise) or just write it all out.

And if you feel that there's nothing more you can do, no one you can talk to - listen to the part of you that wants help, and get it any way you can. Calling someone or reaching out for help is probably going to be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but it'll be the best decision you ever make (coming from the girl who has hung up on The Samaritans and stubbornly refused help for a loooong time).

Good luck

Konata

ihavequestions wrote: »

I'm depressed every day, it is so horrible. I think about suicide everyday and have attempted it twice, whuch makes me feel even worse. I can't afford councelling (don't know would I like the idea of it anyways) . I hate my life and myself SO much. I can't think of one thing in my life worth living for! I just want to fast forward 10 years where everything will be different and I will have FULL control on my life.

Hey, it's okay, you're not alone in feeling like that.

Are you under 18? If you are, you can get counselling for free. I know you say you don't like the idea of it, but trust me - it helps. Finding a counseller that suits you and who you are comfortable with can make the world of difference. Counselling ain't always what you expect it to be either - it's always worth a try anyway.

Do you have any friends or family that you could speak to about the way you feel? Someone out there wants to help you, there's always someone.

Other ideas are to try ringing a helpline? They can offer you other suggestions as to how to help yourself aswell.

Remember, this too shall pass.

Novella

ihavequestions wrote: »

I'm depressed every day, it is so horrible. I think about suicide everyday and have attempted it twice, whuch makes me feel even worse. I can't afford councelling (don't know would I like the idea of it anyways) . I hate my life and myself SO much. I can't think of one thing in my life worth living for! I just want to fast forward 10 years where everything will be different and I will have FULL control on my life.

Everything Extrasupervery and Hotaru said.

And if you really think that there's no one you can talk to, family and friends wise, talk to us. There are so many nice people in this forum who will listen and who will pretty much do whatever they can to make you feel better.

Hang on in there, because it will get better.

ihavequestions

I'm from Kerry. I have told someone before about my problems, a friend who I wsa really close to at the time, and his help was brilliant but then I fell for him. Its like I know that its appreciation as well as love I feel but it won't go away. He didn't return the feelings and we grew apart as he thought some of my issues were "attention seeking" which really hurt me. That was 3 years ago, and I think about him everyday which is KILLING me , now he is part of my depression.
I think I will have to really build myself up to talk to someone like the Smaratains.
Thanks

Extrasupervery

Do talk to The Samaritans! They just listen, really, which is all you need - they'll make you feel safe*. And they're all called Jo. Can't work there unless you're a Jo - no wonder they're always short staffed.

http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone/find_my_local_branch/ireland/kerry.aspx

Whenever you're ready - and preferably when you won't be disturbed. We're always here too, not like...Novella, Hotaru and myself >.< just the general nice people of C and H.

Extrasupervery

Edit edit - can't remember whether it's The Samaritan people or Childline who call themselves Jo. HAAA my childhood was fun.

*hides*

Ginja Ninja

if you're under 18;
http://www.childline.ie/
either way;Samaritans
http://www.samaritans.org/
1850 60 90 90

they're here to listen and if you're not up to it.There are people in this forum who have been in a similar situations,I don't want to name names [if you read this thread you'll see who is okay with it] I for one have been there.My PM's are always open.

I know it can seem strange,but even ranting to some faceless stranger over the internet can help far more than you'd believe.Don't be afraid to let it all out,we are all happy to listen.

it can be hard,especially if you got attached to a person you've opened up to before,don't let it get you down,there are other people out there that love you and you'll meet someone will love you just the same.

Keep our chin up and send someone a message if you're thinking of doing something everyone around who loves you will regret

grenache

I've been on Efexor since i was 19, its a pretty lonely existence but you make do with what you have. The worst thing anyone can do is feel sorry for themselves.

Violet_F

Just to mention that if u prefer not to aactually "talk" to someone, but still want some support, u can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org or text time on 087 2609090.

V.

grenache

Violet_F wrote: »

Just to mention that if u prefer not to aactually "talk" to someone, but still want some support, u can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org or text time on 087 2609090.

V.

I presume that's not a premium service text number?

AshSmith

I voted 'i don't know'
Since about early 2008 something happened in my personal life (which for some reason set me off on my depression) I really don't know if I am.

Some days I dont want to get out of bed, I dont try new things ever out of fear,some days i just cry all the time, i've self harmed before, i am never ever happy about anything, some days my mood changes in a split second, i second guess everything, i have severe anger issues, everthing about everyone annoys me for no reason, i'm self destructive (I sabotage things in my life for no reason) My parents are unsupportive about everything, all i hear from them is how overweight I am etc how much i fail at life, they hate how some days I want to stay indoors and dont understand me or even want to

It's hard to describe how i feel by writing it down, but todays a good day so my emotions arnt running high.

Grindylow

Yeah, I don't think I am either.

I suffer from Anxiety which I'm told can be similar [so it's hard to tell the difference really.]

Maybe I am a bit though. I'm not friends with anyone anymore, and have spent my entire summer doing nothing so do get pretty upset sometimes -.-

ohthebaby

I like this thread and the sentiments in it. Not the troubled ones of course, I wish they didn't exist, I mean the good and helpful ones. Everyone here is always ready to help and just be lovely and it is so nice to be a part of something as nice as C & H.

I posted in this thread aaages ago. I don't really want to read back over what I wrote so I'm not sure when but I think it was after Christmas. I had been pretty down for a long time back then but didn't classify my feelings as depression or anything really close to it (I think) just a general low. I think I had blamed college and stuff for how I felt but it's only lately that I think there's other stuff too. The fact that this sadness or whatever hasn't really lifted since then has made me question whether or not it is in fact something more serious than just a low point. It's not as if I'm living in one constant low, I have great fun at times and really do enjoy life but there's always a dark cloud in the sky, if you know what I mean. I'm up and down and up and down every hour of the day. I don't know if it's depression exactly but I don't think it's something that I can really get through on my own. So yeah I said before I was going to tell my mother, I kind of did but not really but will be telling her properly for sure soon. My brother had a bit of a melt down the other night so I'm going to wait a few days but I think it has to come out properly really soon so I can try work through it or whatever. Like I know I'm lucky and haven't got it as bad as a lot of people here who I admire and respect so so much, you guys rock and I'm sure I don't even know half of what you've been / are going through.

Anyway no real point to this post only to say how lovely and kind the people here are and just jot down a few thoughts of my own.

Ginja Ninja

Just a theory that might help people if you're feeling down
http://www.psycheducation.org/hormones/Insulin/exercise.htm

Exercise makes you feel better,proven fact[well "theory" as with any science] the effort releases endorphines[happy hormones] similar to chocolate,but healthier obviously and has a more prolonged effect.It alway releases some stress for me anyway,try and find something you enjoy doing.

Also,I read somewhere before[can't get the link] of a study that shows epople who smile are happier(I know that sounds dumb) but the actual act of smiling makes you fell better and happier in general[some psychological feedback ]
the patients had to grip a pencil between their teeth,forcing a grin-like facial expression and held it for like 10 minutes[I know it sounds silly,but what harm could it do?]

Just some tips that help me the odd time and that random smile thing I've yet to try

Colm!

ihavequestions wrote: »

I have told someone before about my problems, a friend who I wsa really close to at the time, and his help was brilliant but then I fell for him. Its like I know that its appreciation as well as love I feel but it won't go away. He didn't return the feelings and we grew apart as he thought some of my issues were "attention seeking" which really hurt me. That was 3 years ago, and I think about him everyday which is KILLING me , now he is part of my depression.

This post has me so, so worried .
I knew a girl once, met her this April. There were issues in her family (never knew her father, family moved to Ireland when she was young, brother coping with disability). Added her on Facebook, we talked a lot online. Really we had nothing in common but a love of writing: she, hopelessly writing a novel and me, writing down poems on a piece of paper. In ways, that was enough, and I talked to her pretty much every day. She quit smoking, gave up bad habits, tried to get herself back on track. I helped her.
And she said she never did believe in love. She said she wasn't looking for one-night-stands and anything that wouldn't work. And I liked her but understood her. But she changed her mind immediately and offered me sex. Both of us were around the age of fifteen, and I kept my distance. Well, actually, I threw her out. She was upset, she cried and she cried... I tried to bring her back into my life. And one night someone threatened to kill her, I stayed up all night trying to reassure her. But I couldn't handle it all, and this time quietly said goodbye.
That's why your post scares me, because I fear that I may have hurt someone I cared for. I couldn't handle her problems and neither could she. She trust me with something I never wanted. And although leaving her was what was best for me, I still felt guilty. I read this now and I'm almost crying because I know now the full extent of how hurtful I may have been.

I just hope that I wasn't. FML.

Pygmalion

Ginja Ninja wrote: »

Exercise makes you feel better,proven fact[well "theory" as with any science] the effort releases endorphines[happy hormones] similar to chocolate,but healthier obviously and has a more prolonged effect.It alway releases some stress for me anyway,try and find something you enjoy doing.

Lads, would it be entirely inappropriate to point out that masturbation is like exercise times a thousand when it comes to endorphines?
Not exactly the thread for a discussion on it I know (and please no-one start one :pac:), but it's true. [citation needed]

Also curry and other spicy foods.

Also on that note, I can't find the study, and I only actually heard it second hand, but I read recently somewhere that exercising for an hour 3 times a week for 5 weeks has roughly the same success rate at treating depression as 5 weeks of SSRI medication.

Konata

Pygmalion wrote: »

Also on that note, I can't find the study, and I only actually heard it second hand, but I read recently somewhere that exercising for an hour 3 times a week for 5 weeks has roughly the same success rate at treating depression as 5 weeks of SSRI medication.

Wouldn't be hard since SSRI meds take about 5 weeks to start working :P

Pygmalion

Hotaru wrote: »

Wouldn't be hard since SSRI meds take about 5 weeks to start working :P

It was probably a better measure than that then :P, I believe whatever length of time it takes to work it was a couple weeks longer. I just assumed it took 2-3 weeks for some reason :P.

EuropeanSon

No. I'm too awesome to get depressed. :P

Extrasupervery

Pygmalion wrote: »

It was probably a better measure than that then :P, I believe whatever length of time it takes to work it was a couple weeks longer. I just assumed it took 2-3 weeks for some reason :P.

It depends on the dosage, the individual and the drug really.

And to people considering speaking up about this to someone - fair fúcks. You won't regret it.

Novella

Plus, just to add, a seriously depressed person is not gonna be convinced very easily to go for a run or whatever. I've heard the exercise thing a million times. I do get it, I understand, but when getting out of bed literally takes hours of saying to yourself, "Just do it, get up, please get up, please, get up, get up", exercising is probably very unlikely to take place.

Ginja Ninja

Novella wrote: »

Plus, just to add, a seriously depressed person is not gonna be convinced very easily to go for a run or whatever. I've heard the exercise thing a million times. I do get it, I understand, but when getting out of bed literally takes hours of saying to yourself, "Just do it, get up, please get up, please, get up, get up", exercising is probably very unlikely to take place.

oh I know that,all too well.But when you can manage it,if you can manage to focus on it.It helps having something to give you some order and sense of accomplishment [it's a biological thing,so it MAKES you feel better,if that makes sense?]

It works for me anyway,even if all I did was mess up and feel like nothing but a waste of space,I focus on"yes,I did so much wrong,i'm stupid,I'm ugly,I'm whatevr,but at least I did 20 chin ups".Writing it down can help [blog ]
Tell yourself you did something good/well,write it down now for future use.At the end of the day the best person to save you from yourself IS yourself

Acacia

There is a history of depression and suicide in both sides of my family, and for whatever reason, there seems to be a lot of mental illness issues in the group of people I socialise with... don't know if that's because we're all mad hatters , or just our younger generation is more open about talking about mental issues. I think more people need to be encouraged to talk about it... it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I can't decide if what I suffer(ed) from is actual depression or just low-self esteem issues. It was definetely a lot worse in school (surprise, surprise!). When I look back on how I felt back then ( I recently found one of the diaries I kept in school and it just made me feel crap reading about how I used to feel) I wonder how I managed to get through each day. I was just unhappy all the time. But I never self-harmed or tried to kill myself, though the thought would occur to me now and then. I don't know, it's like I wasn't even bothered to kill/hurt myself... I used to just have negative thoughts about everything, all the time. Looking back I wonder how I managed to keep going, really.

I'm a lot better now though, probably because this year I decided to see a counsellor. It was really good to be able to get all my 'issues' out in the open. I didn't go for very long but maybe that was all I needed. I'm feeling a lot better these days.

So, yeah, I don't know if it was 'depression' or just general crappy-teenagery-ness (am 21 now)... in either case, talking to a professional really helped. It's also good, if you can, to talk to somebody older who's maybe been through it themselves.

Banjo Fella

I was going to post this a while ago but I backed down at the last minute and cut and pasted it in case I changed my mind. I wrote out what I was feeling, sometimes I do this when I'm down... but on reading over it I always think I sound so ungrateful and unappreciative of how fortunate I am. Still, I did write this. I could hide it away somewhere on my hard-drive, but that would be much the same as bottling things up again. For once I think I should voice these thoughts somewhere. That way they're in the open, it makes the feelings a lot more real and I can't run away from them. So, here we go...

---

Damn emotions, I have so much difficulty comprehending them sometimes. I feel fine most of the time, but then there are these spells when I feel so low and loathe myself so much. They keep returning. I retreat into myself and live in my room with the curtains still drawn from the night before. It'll be hours before I work up the strength to shower, eat and take care of myself, because time doesn't really matter. I'm like this socially, too... there are all these friendly people around me that I really love, but I close myself off to them and don't connect myself with them in conversation like I really should. I'm afraid of them getting to know me, and letting them down, and getting myself hurt. I still obsess about the friends who I have failed.

The most productive thing I'll do will be sleeping again later, and soon, as more and more days pass like this I'll be older and no closer to accomplishing what I really want in life. I have every opportunity, nothing I should really complain about, and my parents are the way they are with me because they want me to think about my future realistically... however I feel empty and drained of all enthusiasm because there are aspirations I just won't let go of but cannot deal with yet. I feel so inert and pathetic, I hate who I am on days like these.

I'll be seeing a counsellor in just a few days, so that should hopefully help me understand myself. It's my first time going to one, so I'm both excited and worried that I'll be as useless at expressing myself as usual. It could be a very long 50 minutes if I can't speak openly.

Konata

Banjo Fella wrote: »

I was going to post this a while ago but I backed down at the last minute and cut and pasted it in case I changed my mind. I wrote out what I was feeling, sometimes I do this when I'm down... but on reading over it I always think I sound so ungrateful and unappreciative of how fortunate I am. Still, I did write this. I could hide it away somewhere on my hard-drive, but that would be much the same as bottling things up again. For once I think I should voice these thoughts somewhere. That way they're in the open, it makes the feelings a lot more real and I can't run away from them. So, here we go...

---

Damn emotions, I have so much difficulty comprehending them sometimes. I feel fine most of the time, but then there are these spells when I feel so low and loathe myself so much. They keep returning. I retreat into myself and live in my room with the curtains still drawn from the night before. It'll be hours before I work up the strength to shower, eat and take care of myself, because time doesn't really matter. I'm like this socially, too... there are all these friendly people around me that I really love, but I close myself off to them and don't connect myself with them in conversation like I really should. I'm afraid of them getting to know me, and letting them down, and getting myself hurt. I still obsess about the friends who I have failed.

The most productive thing I'll do will be sleeping again later, and soon, as more and more days pass like this I'll be older and no closer to accomplishing what I really want in life. I have every opportunity, nothing I should really complain about, and my parents are the way they are with me because they want me to think about my future realistically... however I feel empty and drained of all enthusiasm because there are aspirations I just won't let go of but cannot deal with yet. I feel so inert and pathetic, I hate who I am on days like these.

I'll be seeing a counsellor in just a few days, so that should hopefully help me understand myself. It's my first time going to one, so I'm both excited and worried that I'll be as useless at expressing myself as usual. It could be a very long 50 minutes if I can't speak openly.

Well done on writing out all that - it's not easy to be so open.

Also, good job on going to a counseller. It's important to look after yourself, even if it feels like too much effort. Be as open and honest as you can with the counseller - it might be hard but trust me, it's the only way to go.

G'luck

A Neurotic

Banjo Fella wrote: »

I was going to post this a while ago but I backed down at the last minute and cut and pasted it in case I changed my mind. I wrote out what I was feeling, sometimes I do this when I'm down... but on reading over it I always think I sound so ungrateful and unappreciative of how fortunate I am. Still, I did write this. I could hide it away somewhere on my hard-drive, but that would be much the same as bottling things up again. For once I think I should voice these thoughts somewhere. That way they're in the open, it makes the feelings a lot more real and I can't run away from them. So, here we go...

---

Damn emotions, I have so much difficulty comprehending them sometimes. I feel fine most of the time, but then there are these spells when I feel so low and loathe myself so much. They keep returning. I retreat into myself and live in my room with the curtains still drawn from the night before. It'll be hours before I work up the strength to shower, eat and take care of myself, because time doesn't really matter. I'm like this socially, too... there are all these friendly people around me that I really love, but I close myself off to them and don't connect myself with them in conversation like I really should. I'm afraid of them getting to know me, and letting them down, and getting myself hurt. I still obsess about the friends who I have failed.

The most productive thing I'll do will be sleeping again later, and soon, as more and more days pass like this I'll be older and no closer to accomplishing what I really want in life. I have every opportunity, nothing I should really complain about, and my parents are the way they are with me because they want me to think about my future realistically... however I feel empty and drained of all enthusiasm because there are aspirations I just won't let go of but cannot deal with yet. I feel so inert and pathetic, I hate who I am on days like these.

I'll be seeing a counsellor in just a few days, so that should hopefully help me understand myself. It's my first time going to one, so I'm both excited and worried that I'll be as useless at expressing myself as usual. It could be a very long 50 minutes if I can't speak openly.

Fair play to you. That can't have been easy.

Extrasupervery

Seeing a counsellor will make you feel so much better

And don't worry about 50 minutes of silence, he/she will be very, very easy to talk to. From my experience. Well done! I do hope you feel better soon

Ginja Ninja

A huge amout of respect for being able to post that.[I didn't think thanks was enough]

Banjo Fella

Thanks for the words of support, guys, it's very much appreciated. Heartage!

It's very reassuring to hear about your positive experiences with this sort of thing. I'll try to be as open and earnest as I can with the counsellor... and hopefully it won't be so bad.

Novella

Banjo Fella wrote: »

I was going to post this a while ago but I backed down at the last minute and cut and pasted it in case I changed my mind. I wrote out what I was feeling, sometimes I do this when I'm down... but on reading over it I always think I sound so ungrateful and unappreciative of how fortunate I am. Still, I did write this. I could hide it away somewhere on my hard-drive, but that would be much the same as bottling things up again. For once I think I should voice these thoughts somewhere. That way they're in the open, it makes the feelings a lot more real and I can't run away from them. So, here we go...

---

Damn emotions, I have so much difficulty comprehending them sometimes. I feel fine most of the time, but then there are these spells when I feel so low and loathe myself so much. They keep returning. I retreat into myself and live in my room with the curtains still drawn from the night before. It'll be hours before I work up the strength to shower, eat and take care of myself, because time doesn't really matter. I'm like this socially, too... there are all these friendly people around me that I really love, but I close myself off to them and don't connect myself with them in conversation like I really should. I'm afraid of them getting to know me, and letting them down, and getting myself hurt. I still obsess about the friends who I have failed.

The most productive thing I'll do will be sleeping again later, and soon, as more and more days pass like this I'll be older and no closer to accomplishing what I really want in life. I have every opportunity, nothing I should really complain about, and my parents are the way they are with me because they want me to think about my future realistically... however I feel empty and drained of all enthusiasm because there are aspirations I just won't let go of but cannot deal with yet. I feel so inert and pathetic, I hate who I am on days like these.

I'll be seeing a counsellor in just a few days, so that should hopefully help me understand myself. It's my first time going to one, so I'm both excited and worried that I'll be as useless at expressing myself as usual. It could be a very long 50 minutes if I can't speak openly.

You took the first step in speaking openly by posting this. It's not easy to admit these kinda things, even on the internet so well done (: I really do hope that things work out well for you with the counsellor, but don't feel bad if they don't. Sometimes, for some people, talking just doesn't come easy. There are many other kinds of therapy. I know I never really liked sitting in a room speaking about my most personal thoughts. If you feel like that too, don't give up - it isn't the end.

Lots of for you

Novella

http://www.pieta.ie/

For anyone out there suffering from depression, anyone who self harms, anyone who has or who ever has had suicidal thoughts, I can't say enough great things about these guys. If you're a friend or a relative of someone who has self harmed etc., they're even there to offer support with that.

And it's all free. And if you send an e-mail, they'll get back to you so quickly. They deserve so much more than a mention in a thread from me, and so much more than I could ever give them back. If you're ever in a place where you don't know where to turn, and you can't talk to anyone, talk to them.

Counselling was never something I thought could be beneficial. I was always of the train of thought, "Talking isn't gonna help me, the past is the past and whinging about it for an hour isn't gonna do shit", so the lovely people at Pieta never asked me questions, and they never put me under any pressure to feel better... And then I just did. Gradually.

I still had bad days, and I still do, and maybe I'll always be inclined to be depressed, but Pieta House has given me a more positive outlook on life and when I needed someone to lean on, I got that and way, way more. Sometimes I'm still astounded by how much good there is out there, and in people.

Jeez, enough of the cheese from me! Seriously though, to anyone who thinks things won't ever look up - get in touch with them.

Konata

Ok guys, these last few days I was attending a doctor in Dublin for a new approach to curing my mental health problems. Most of you know I've tried a lot of things - anti-depressants (still on 'em), counselling, various healing therapies (hypnotherapy, acupuncture etc.), nutritionists blah blah blah. They've all made a difference, they've all helped A LOT. But not quite enough.

So the other day my Mum heard a doctor from Austrailia on the radio (he was giving a talk in Trinity) speaking about a type of psychiatry that is based around the developing scientific theory that people with mental illnesses are lacking certain chemicals in the brain/body. These doctors believe that bringing these chemicals up to normal levels will vastly improve mental health problems.

The only doctor in Europe who practices this type of medicine is based in Stillorgan - this is the guy I went to see. My appointment consisted of a brief psychiatric evaluation and then I had several blood tests taken this morning. His job is to examine them to see what chemicals I'm missing - he'll then prescribe me various vitamins to see if we can restore these chemical balances.

I've started a few vitamins/minerals so far (N-acetyl cysteine, Vit C, Vit E and Zinc) and I'll be on more after my results come back in 2-3 weeks.

I just thought I'd let people know about this type of medicine and maybe give a report of my progress every few weeks since it's a relatively new practice. I'd love to be off anti depressants so lets just see how this goes

Here is the website for more information: Biobalance Health

The doctor I attended is here

Novella wrote: »

http://www.pieta.ie/

Wow, I never heard of them before! Thanks for the link

almostnever

I really hope it works out for you, Hotaru.
And, of course, everyone else who is getting help. You all deserve it.

Novella

Hotaru wrote: »

Ok guys, these last few days I was attending a doctor in Dublin for a new approach to curing my mental health problems. Most of you know I've tried a lot of things - anti-depressants (still on 'em), counselling, various healing therapies (hypnotherapy, acupuncture etc.), nutritionists blah blah blah. They've all made a difference, they've all helped A LOT. But not quite enough.

So the other day my Mum heard a doctor from Austrailia on the radio (he was giving a talk in Trinity) speaking about a type of psychiatry that is based around the developing scientific theory that people with mental illnesses are lacking certain chemicals in the brain/body. These doctors believe that bringing these chemicals up to normal levels will vastly improve mental health problems.

The only doctor in Europe who practices this type of medicine is based in Stillorgan - this is the guy I went to see. My appointment consisted of a brief psychiatric evaluation and then I had several blood tests taken this morning. His job is to examine them to see what chemicals I'm missing - he'll then prescribe me various vitamins to see if we can restore these chemical balances.

I've started a few vitamins/minerals so far (N-acetyl cysteine, Vit C, Vit E and Zinc) and I'll be on more after my results come back in 2-3 weeks.

I just thought I'd let people know about this type of medicine and maybe give a report of my progress every few weeks since it's a relatively new practice. I'd love to be off anti depressants so lets just see how this goes

Here is the website for more information: Biobalance Health

The doctor I attended is here



Wow, I never heard of them before! Thanks for the link

That sounds really interesting. I've actually been looking into alternatives lately too, 'cause like yourself, I've pretty much tried everything. So I'll definitely be checking this out, and would love to hear how you get on.

Yeah, great place. They don't prescribe medication or anything like that, but they're great to have as a support system and they will work with your own GP, psychiatrist and your family if you want so yeah, they are awesome.

Konata

Novella wrote: »

That sounds really interesting. I've actually been looking into alternatives lately too, 'cause like yourself, I've pretty much tried everything. So I'll definitely be checking this out, and would love to hear how you get on.

Yeah, great place. They don't prescribe medication or anything like that, but they're great to have as a support system and they will work with your own GP, psychiatrist and your family if you want so yeah, they are awesome.

Well I'll definitely be posting progress reports - apparently they have around 80% success rates and the doctor said he'd seen many people with the same sort of problems as me. Fingers crossed anyway

degausserxo

Novella wrote: »

http://www.pieta.ie/

For anyone out there suffering from depression, anyone who self harms, anyone who has or who ever has had suicidal thoughts, I can't say enough great things about these guys. If you're a friend or a relative of someone who has self harmed etc., they're even there to offer support with that.

Seriously though, to anyone who thinks things won't ever look up - get in touch with them.

This, times a million. Seriously, seriously brilliant people.

flyswatter

Thanks for that info about that particular treatment Hotaru. I happened to be listening to that guy on that day. Sounded very interesting, might well look into that even though I'm feeling alright these days. If it helps to stop a relapse I'm all for it.

MrSir

I'm not sure if I could say I've ever suffered depression I am however a quite negative and dark person but I'm not sure if it's depression or just me being a teen. I have suffered panic attacks though. Can anyone get panic attacks or only certain people?

degausserxo

For anyone that's interesed, Pieta House is gonna be on Prime Time on RTE on the 5th August.