Have you ever had depression?

cloud493 · 01-03-2013 9:26pm

I posted it in a couple of threads today

For anyone currently self injuring, just remember talking is the first step.

SarahBeep! · 08-03-2013 1:38am

Junco Partner · 07-10-2013 5:39am

I've found myself in familiar waters recently. Shaping up to be a bad one too it seems. It's confusing me because for the first time in a long time it seems to be depression for the sake of depression. That unexplainable blackness is something that hasn't really affected me since i was 16/17. Usually there' something that brings it on. Last year I dropped out of college and was facing into a life of minimum wage without much hope of anything more so most of my summer was towering highs and crushing lows. At the start of this year I drank and smoked my way through heartbreak for most of january and february. it was dark and scary but at least I knew why and I worked through it. Back in august things were pretty grim but that was just after a fairly awful family tragedy so it was expected.
Now though things are really going well. I'm out on my own in the world living in the city, massive circle of friends, great social life, pulling in major cash every week. I can look after my rent, my bills, save money in the credit union college fund and still have cash to have fun with. Not being in college doesn't bother me anymore cause I know I'll be back soon. in fact i've saved enough with the credit union already that i could have got a loan and gone back this year but I decided it would be smart to wait a year and build up the savings so i have a safety net when i do go back. Single life has been a lot of fun with the last 3 months for a man of my average looks been punching well above my level.

And yet, even with things going as well as they are I still have this emptiness. This horrid black nothing that sits in my chest and slowly drains all my energy and any bit of happiness i have.This bloody disgusting thing I've had passed down to me from my grandad and my dad. I'm not sleeping properly. Having some seriously messed up dreams. I can be sitting there content watching telly or out with friends and then something clicks in my head and in rush all the bad thoughts and that's me miserable for the rest of the night and the whiskey comes out. I can almost see it in my peripheral vision it's so heavy. I can feel it it on my chest. It buzzes in my ear and visits me when i dream. My drinking has picked up again and I've started back on the grass something I left behind months ago. Of course i know that self medication doesn't work but I can't help it.

People at work have picked up on it too. All week they've been asking me "are you alright you don't seem in the best of form" or "why the big puss"

And instead of actually talking to any of them about it my answer is always "i'm fine" I'm always "fine" even when I'm really not. Just fine.

LoonyLovegood · 07-10-2013 10:38am

Would you be as well going to the doctor about it?

I'm the same way lately. Life is finally going right, I've a good group of friends, amazing housemates, a brilliant boyfriend, college was going right but now I'm down again for no reason. I'm lying in bed all day unable to move, just sleeping and eating. Even getting into the shower is a struggle at the moment. I've been on antidepressants for 4 years, and they were cutting me back. That means I have to spend a weekday in Dublin to get to my GP but the thoughts of having to get a train early in the morning just cuts through me. I'm losing all enjoyment from everything.

Jhax · 07-10-2013 1:20pm

I was feeling really down during my exams at the start of the summer. I was given 3 weeks prep and I didn't have the motivation to study because I don't like my course and as the pressure of the exams grew worse and worse and the more study I had to do kept piling up I just lost any will to keep going. I managed to get out of the slump though. I realised that I've been going through my whole life without any real goal or dream. I thought about it hard over a few days and decided where I wanted to be in a year's time and what I wanted to do with my life. To get there I needed my degree and all of a sudden I found the motivation to keep going and study and I made it through my exams (barely).

I think for me depression comes from wandering around with no real purpose or vision set in my mind. Now I have something to work for. I even wrote it down and put it in my bedside locker and look at it whenever I feel tired and it keeps me going.

jazz101 · 29-10-2013 9:25pm

I had a fair few suicidal episodes in February, after 4 or 5 months of crushing weight, which then sort of subsided beneath the surface until September of this year when it all came back. Over the more suicidal thoughts and plans I had written out now at this stage though. So back up for another trip back down.

floutingmaxims · 31-10-2013 4:52pm

http://www.independent.ie/blog/conor-cusack-depression-is-a-friend-not-my-enemy-29707558.html

Junco Partner · 05-02-2014 8:47am

So a lot of old stuff has resurfaced in my head and is driving me demented. The fact that it is coinciding with a quiet period in work where everyone's hours are being cut means that I have lots of free time to do nothing but think. Having time to think leads me to dark places. It's been a tough week.

LoonyLovegood · 22-07-2014 7:36pm

Popping this back up, I think it could do with some reading.

pajor · 26-09-2014 9:43pm

Going to bump this shít up.

Have made an appointment to see a counselor for the first time ever. Too much shít going on in my head 99% of the time. Had tried to see one of the college counselors last February, but never heard anything back before finishing college. That was a real downer.

Woman I'm going to talk with did 'Drugs Awareness' years ago when I was in TY. Was probably the highlight of the year, as it was one of the most fúcking miserable years of my life. Drugs Awareness sounds lame I know but it was good craic; she never lectured us just told us what's what really.

Appointment isn't for another month, but it's comforting to know that hopefully I'll get some personal demons sorted out.

To go back to thread title, I've no idea if I have/had depression. I wouldn't be surprised though.

LoonyLovegood · 26-09-2014 10:35pm

That's really good for you. I'm going to see a counsellor in my local jigsaw, it's fantastic to just be able to talk out things that have been bothering me for a while.

pajor · 26-09-2014 10:44pm

CTYIgirl wrote: »

That's really good for you. I'm going to see a counsellor in my local jigsaw, it's fantastic to just be able to talk out things that have been bothering me for a while.

Had to google Jigsaw. Not in Cork, explains why I've never heard of it.

Yeah, should help me sort some stuff out. The cost is a niggle in the back of my mind, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Jhcx · 27-09-2014 4:41pm

Counselling is always a great help. Asked have previous ones been a help I said depends on the person. But it's great just being able to sit there talk it all out and realise what your keeping inside. Even for their feedback to say xyz are coming up let's deal with them. Nothing is a quick fix but seeking help is always a great first leap. Even if it's just to talk.

MauraTheThird · 27-09-2014 7:19pm

CTYIgirl wrote: »

That's really good for you. I'm going to see a counsellor in my local jigsaw, it's fantastic to just be able to talk out things that have been bothering me for a while.

I went to my local Jigsaw too and I have to say that talking really does help. I even got a letter there last week because they hadn't had any contact from me in a while and wanted to make sure everything was going better in my life which was nice.

Hotblack Desiato · 27-09-2014 11:50pm

CTYIgirl, bravo for posting that, and feck anyone who may be offended by it. Anyone offended by truth is an idiot.

I marched today hoping to make Ireland a better place, but sadly I'm not holding my breath.

Stay strong.

pajor · 28-09-2014 12:01am

Jhcx wrote: »

Counselling is always a great help. Asked have previous ones been a help I said depends on the person. But it's great just being able to sit there talk it all out and realise what your keeping inside. Even for their feedback to say xyz are coming up let's deal with them. Nothing is a quick fix but seeking help is always a great first leap. Even if it's just to talk.

I was telling my sister about it today, about going to a counselor. She went to the same school as me so did the same Drugs Awareness class. She told me that she went for counseling a couple of years back when doing her Masters degree which I didn't know about. She only went for about 5 sessions, that she didn't need anymore. That it doesn't have to be a long term thing. There was just stuff that she needed sorting out in her head, which she managed to do. Found all this very encouraging.

CTYIgirl, kudos to you for posting that. I thought I was brave emailing the counselor to make inquiries, but that was nothing.

Junco Partner · 04-10-2014 2:49am

The last week has been a hard one. Welcome back darkness; it's been awhile.

iamanengine · 04-10-2014 12:43pm

I tend to slip in and out of being in a really bad place every now and again. I'll be fine for months and then out of nowhere boom. Then it tends to fade, and slowly reappears for no reason at some point down the line. I don't fully understand it tbh, is it depression I don't even know? I only admitted it to myself a few weeks ago about a week deep into a serious binge.

Oddly it doesn't bother me too much, I tend to dip, go into a really dark place but I know it will fade and when it does I'm back on top of the world!

Jhcx · 04-10-2014 5:38pm

I'd just like to add lads that lot may not be depression. But anxiety levels may be extremely high. Im not a doctor and im not giving medical advice but because ive only just got the information based on myself i'll pass it along. Anxiety can show and act like signs of depression, where moods and emotions go up and down and specially when they go down they go so low the looks and feels like depression and anxiety levels rise anything can cause high anxiety from stress, lack of sleep , no routine, relationship problems so on. trying to keep a good lifestyle and routine will help keep anxiety down. Some may be suffering from depression, some may just have high levels of anxiety at the moment. dont try to self diagnose yourself. go to your doctor, explain your emotions, feelings, your routine they should either tell you whats up, and course of action to take to rectify the problem. may need nothing or may just need a good sleep.

pajor · 24-10-2014 8:40pm

Had my first counselling session today. Have been left with some sort of confused feeling, it's not a bad one.. just odd. But the woman was so lovely, exactly how I remembered her. Fantastic person to talk to. I'm going to go see her again in 2 weeks.

All I can really say for now, is that if you think you want to talk to someone DO IT!

She said at the end that you'll probably be tired after talking about so much personal stuff. Fúck me I'm tired alright.

iamanengine · 01-08-2015 4:38am

So for a long time, I was pretty sure I had some sort of depression...I was never really sure as it didn't really feel exactly like depression but I always knethere was something there not quite right.

So I recently found out I don't have depression...which is great and all, but instead I find out that I in fact have borderline personality disorder...woo.

Also I've been working 6 nights in a row and still have one more to go. I'm exhausted. Too much to deal with.

LoonyLovegood · 28-10-2015 3:43pm

I kinda hate my brain at times. Every time I'm in a relationship, even when it's going amazingly, my depression raises itself. Himself has noticed that I'm stuck in my brain at times, and is great, but I'm really fed up of it hijacking stuff on me.

sryanbruen · 15-02-2016 4:41pm

All the time especially since one terrible year - 2012!!! Whenever I think of it, I always cry

. It was the year of my nanny's death - the only person who really understood me, knew how to make me have fun in things I hate and nobody else can do what amazing power she had with me. I even write a lot of songs and poems about her, including: 'Time Goes By', 'Nan How Can You Mend A Broken Heart' and my poem 'Rain Over Me'.

'Rain Over Me' clearly visualizes my depression

Happiness is a treasure, to me these days
Every day passing by, is worthless since that August
Life is callous, like a stormy day
Suicidal thoughts were blank, when it was all flawless

Many promises and my heart, have been shattered
Malicious mankind, in such a big world
Been through disasters, like walking under a ladder
But this time, it's way much worse

Tears are words, the heart can't say
I get lost, inside my mind
But sometimes, you gotta pretend everything is okay
Even though there is no good in goodbye

Five things I hate! 02:45, CANCER, SUNDAY, AUGUST & 26TH

^ Man ever since then, I have been this poor little depressed chap who can't seem to get happy at all

Junco Partner · 04-08-2020 10:34pm

Dipping into a dead forum cause maybe it'll be more helpful than screaming into the void.

I'm really not doing good. At all.

I used to think I was occasionally depressed because I'd end up in lows sporadically. I'd always be able to assign it to something. Breakups, bereavements, low work satisfaction etc. I'd come out of the hole after a few weeks and convince myself I was fine. I don't think I ever have been though. I'd come out of the hole but I don't think I've ever been happy..

I've rewritten this so many times trying to put it into words and the best I can come up with is, life is supposed to be peaks and valleys but I feel like mine is just valleys and plateaus.

I haven't used drugs in over a year.
I got out of the service industry and have a nice steady job in the Civil Service.
I got a car.
I've been taking part in team sports.
I've taken up photography.
I've taken up hiking.
I finally bought a lot of the gear for performing music live like I always said I would without following through on.
I'm sleeping right.
I'm eating right.

I'm conquering a lot of the issues that I used to blame my depression on. Procrastination, poor sleeping, drugs, not excersising,low job prospects etc etc.

I've overcome them and yet here I am feeling lower than I have in 18 months.

full disclosure, my gf of a year broke up with me last month yet I can say without fooling myself that I am actually kind of relieved. While the breakup was my fault in a lot of ways she had her share of mental health issues and is kind of mean and immature. She gaslighted me in our last few rows over things I never said. I think I got with her mostly out of fear of being alone when I moved home to Tipp.

I've kicked the excersise into overdrived to keep my mind of things.

I went for a four hour hike in the comeragh mountains on sunday and felt good for about an hour after I came home. Since then I've just been so angry all the time.
I've cried three times. Pitiful 20 seconds of sobbing because as much as I want to I can't seem to let myself ball it all out. It just sits there

I feel like I wasted my 20's. How I slaved away in ****ty jobs being to afraid to take the leap and go back to college. How I never went travelling.

I was supposed to be going to Chicago at the start of 2019. The parents of a family friend were going to sort me a job and put me up till I found a place. I decided to stay over the relationship though. The truth is if I'd gone I probably would be just as miserable over there though. I'd likely fall into the same habits and frame of mind wherever I go.

The Civil service allows career breaks in three year blocks so The option of travel or college are always there for me but I just know that I'll either keep putting it on the long finger or do it and fall into the same old **** while doing so.

I think I need therapy but I'm terrified to go.

I wish I could cry.

the thing about living inside your head is that your landlord ****ing hates you.

Have you ever had depression?

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