[AITA] Partner coming home late

zapper55 · 20-09-2019 11:49am

Lol at most women as good at hiding an affair. I cant tell a lie to save my life and I would not be able to (nor would I want to). What a strange post.

As for rushing home to her baby, maybe she likes being out taking a break from her baby fir a few hours, safe as her partner. Nothing wrong with that.

Anna2834 · 20-09-2019 11:57am

@zapper absolutely entitled to your opinion and so am I. I know exactly where I'd rather be, and that's beside my child and partner not some "client".
But then again as initially said, I am different and place a marriage and my child above my job/client etc etc etc...

My values are different to yours and I will never try to justify that.

As mentioned above most women are very good at hiding/lying, you obviously aren't one of them...and that's great for your own moral compass. If it helps I will use a different analogy to describe the above behavior... most women are "discreet"!

I don't need to enter a battle of wits with you, that was just my two pence on things.

Hope they sort it out.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser · 20-09-2019 12:02pm

zapper55 wrote: »

Lol at most women as good at hiding an affair. I cant tell a lie to save my life and I would not be able to (nor would I want to). What a strange post.

As for rushing home to her baby, maybe she likes being out taking a break from her baby fir a few hours, safe as her partner. Nothing wrong with that.

Are you kidding , don’t know any that take a break by “entertaining. “ til all hours with a young baby at home . It’s one thing going for a bite to eat or a couple of drinks , but this isn’t .
Sadly I think she’s upto something she shouldn’t and I agree women are much better at hiding things like this ..

blacklilly · 20-09-2019 12:26pm

I regularly have to do client entertainment! Personally I hate it and spend the least amount of time required of me at these outings. I would rather spend my free time with the people I love and care about.

I'm happily engaged but the only reason I could ever see myself staying out all night with a client/potential client would be if I were interested in them (and single of course). Even then, when I was single, I would never cross that boundary and it isn't professional etc.

I personally would not be happy with this behaviour and I don't see anything wring with you opening up a discussion with her about it. If it's annoying you, you need to say it, keeping these feelings in will do you no good

Princess Calla · 20-09-2019 1:17pm

AulWan wrote: »

Its possible. Maybe they're bi.

(still wondering if the other business partner ever takes their turn wining and dining this client when they come to town).

Just because they are partners wouldn't necessarily mean client crossover.

What I'm wondering is if the OP has had a chance to talk to her yet...if so how did it go?

Mad_maxx · 20-09-2019 3:50pm

This stinks to high heaven, it's incredibly disrespectful of the OP, s wife to stay out til the wee hours drinking with another man

I'd be livid

Mad_maxx · 20-09-2019 3:52pm

Clarabel wrote: »

If this was two guys going out for dinner and drinks until 2 in the morning no-one would be batting an eye. You either trust her or you don't.

It isn't two guys so it's entirely different

SmallgirlBigcity · 20-09-2019 4:06pm

I think regardless of whether you suspect cheating or not, it does make you uncomfortable. Everyone has their own ideas of what crosses the line and I think it's important to respect those lines in a relationship. I go out with work colleagues frequently but never one on one like this. It wouldn't sit well with me if my other half went out with a colleague of the opposite sex alone until 2am. Not because I think he would cheat (because I don't think he would) but because it's inappropriate. So I think it's important that you have a chat with her about it. Just explain that it makes you uncomfortable and talk it out. That's what I'd do anyway. Best of luck with it.

21-09-2019 5:39pm

Firstly I agree with you OP,I'd be totally uncomfortable with that situation, tbh I'd be livid.

I understand why people are saying that you need to discuss it but my argument would be why should you have to,any normal woman/mother/partner has to know its totally unacceptable yet I'd bet she'll twist it on you and say you don't trust her,you're paranoid etc and you'll be made out to be the one in the wrong. You could say that you're going to a work thing with just one woman and when she undoubtedly reacts badly to that then you have an opening for the conversation.

I'm afraid I'd have to agree with others who say there's more going on than just work discussions on the nights out,if not actual cheating then I'd say definite flirting/attraction.

If you go in guns blazing then you're showing your hand and it will definitely backfire, I think you should think hard before saying anything and use some reverse psychology.

BTW the above is what I think is the smart way to deal with it but personally I'd hit the roof if it happened once myself, way beyond acceptable in my opinion, but the I was 100%right when my gut prompted me,was made a total fool of and then accused of being paranoid etc before proven right...no way I'd let this go..good luck.

LegacyUser · 21-09-2019 8:08pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

The point I was making is she is telling her partner where she is those 3 nights of the year.

She is being honest.

If she was having an affair she could easily be saying she was going to "innocent " places that wouldn't give rise to suspicion ie gym, book club etc.

All he has is her word! That's all any of us have regarding our partners. If you don't trust them everytime they step out of the house you'll be wondering if they are actually doing what they said they were doing. Jesus even sitting on the sofa they could be messaging anyone.

If you don't trust them you'll have 100 "what if" scenarios in your head and drive yourself bonkers. Which is why I said at the very beginning if the Trust goes so does the relationship.

For couples who trust each other, they generally keep the trust strong by respecting boundaries and not putting themselves in potentially dodgy situations. I'm sure most people in a long term relationship have had at least one or two situations where they say right I'll have to knock this on the head now or distance themselves from a certain person or see some relationship as potentially disrespectful, and they do that, because the trust in their relationship is extremely important to them! It's not a big deal, and it doesn't mean they have to be constantly reassuring their partner either, but it just comes down to common sense and social norms really.

I mean if my partner has complete trust in me then that's wonderful, that doesn't mean I will think it's ok to stay out into the early hours drinking with other men!

leggo · 22-09-2019 11:00am

image verification wrote: »

For couples who trust each other, they generally keep the trust strong by respecting boundaries and not putting themselves in potentially dodgy situations. I'm sure most people in a long term relationship have had at least one or two situations where they say right I'll have to knock this on the head now or distance themselves from a certain person or see some relationship as potentially disrespectful, and they do that, because the trust in their relationship is extremely important to them! It's not a big deal, and it doesn't mean they have to be constantly reassuring their partner either, but it just comes down to common sense and social norms really.

I mean if my partner has complete trust in me then that's wonderful, that doesn't mean I will think it's ok to stay out into the early hours drinking with other men!

Yeah, this. Trust is earned through good, trustworthy behaviour, not retroactively applied to reassure you due to otherwise disrespectful behaviour. That doesn’t impinge on people’s freedom: you’re still free to do all of this, but another person isn’t obliged to stay with you if this is how you use (abuse?) that freedom.

joeguevara · 25-09-2019 12:20am

You either trust your partner or you don't..no point in saying I trust her going out with x but not with y.....you say the word trust in your op about 4 or 5 times.

The issue is a lack of respect from your partner. She is doing something that is affecting you. You have to say it to her. If she doesn't take that on board then you know (cheating or not) she is putting spending time with someome else ahead of your relationship.

leggo · 25-09-2019 4:42am

It’s a cliche to say you either trust your partner or not. Trust is earned based on trustworthy behaviour. You can trust someone 100% but, if they don’t come home at all one night and start getting super sketchy with their phone, thinking “But I trust them!” instead of asking questions is just naive. You don’t have to be a paranoid mess about it and question everything, but the OP’s feelings are valid here, it is super weird behaviour.

kg703 · 26-09-2019 11:47am

I am a female working in a male dominated industry who has clients and is a client. I, on occasion, would be taken out on a one on one basis for dinner and drinks or meet a client for a drink and a chat. It a good way to build business relationships. I am married, happily so and usually just chat about work and our lives and managing life and workloads etc. If my husband had the same thing and female clients, I would have no issue. It’s the job.

Some of the views expressed here are ridiculous and downright sexist. OP you sound like you have a good and trusting relationship with your wife who seems like she has a good career and good on her. Explain to her this particular one on one makes you a bit uneasy and why. You can talk it out that way. Maybe ask to meet the guy? Or just say it’s the very late night bit you aren’t too keen on. If you have a kid, that’s fair enough.

As a woman it’s very frustrating to not be ‘allowed’ have male friends or be allowed go on the piss with a male co worker simply because ‘oh you might end up doing something together’. I mean some of the people here would want to get some cop on. Such double standards.

IAMAMORON · 26-09-2019 1:28pm

kg703 wrote: »

I am a female working in a male dominated industry who has clients and is a client. I, on occasion, would be taken out on a one on one basis for dinner and drinks or meet a client for a drink and a chat. It a good way to build business relationships. I am married, happily so and usually just chat about work and our lives and managing life and workloads etc. If my husband had the same thing and female clients, I would have no issue. It’s the job.

Some of the views expressed here are ridiculous and downright sexist. OP you sound like you have a good and trusting relationship with your wife who seems like she has a good career and good on her. Explain to her this particular one on one makes you a bit uneasy and why. You can talk it out that way. Maybe ask to meet the guy? Or just say it’s the very late night bit you aren’t too keen on. If you have a kid, that’s fair enough.

As a woman it’s very frustrating to not be ‘allowed’ have male friends or be allowed go on the piss with a male co worker simply because ‘oh you might end up doing something together’. I mean some of the people here would want to get some cop on. Such double standards.

This epitomises for me the ramblings of an actual sexist. I don't think anyone you wrote on this thread analysed the ops concerns as it being a matter of sexism, at all. In this particular instance it involves the Ops wife and a client who happens to be male.

How you managed to drag in a sexist argument here is disconcerting, contrived and disingenuous. The op has opened the thread with a genuine concern about his wife's behaviour, that should not give you an opportunity to raise the sexist argument in this instance, poor form on your part. Either give your opinion on what is actually happening or don't bother.

Extra marital affairs are not involved in any sexism argument in my opinion. Check yourself.

leggo · 26-09-2019 1:28pm

kg703 wrote: »

I am a female working in a male dominated industry who has clients and is a client. I, on occasion, would be taken out on a one on one basis for dinner and drinks or meet a client for a drink and a chat. It a good way to build business relationships. I am married, happily so and usually just chat about work and our lives and managing life and workloads etc. If my husband had the same thing and female clients, I would have no issue. It’s the job.

Some of the views expressed here are ridiculous and downright sexist. OP you sound like you have a good and trusting relationship with your wife who seems like she has a good career and good on her. Explain to her this particular one on one makes you a bit uneasy and why. You can talk it out that way. Maybe ask to meet the guy? Or just say it’s the very late night bit you aren’t too keen on. If you have a kid, that’s fair enough.

As a woman it’s very frustrating to not be ‘allowed’ have male friends or be allowed go on the piss with a male co worker simply because ‘oh you might end up doing something together’. I mean some of the people here would want to get some cop on. Such double standards.

I feel like you’re taking this quite personally when nobody was discussing you. I haven’t seen anything sexist here: someone stays out late getting drunk with one particular client when she’s totally fine and appropriate with others. That’d be inappropriate if it was a man or a woman, in fact I’d say if it was a man you’d start seeing the sexism come out and it’d be a done deal for many that they were definitely cheating and couldn’t be trusted, whereas I haven’t seen anyone yet who hasn’t given the OP’s wife a solid benefit of the doubt in that regard. Has there been a single post yet definitively suggesting she’s cheated?

Nobody is disputing that client drinks/dinner are part of the job, nobody is saying she can’t be friends with guys, nobody is saying that you’re being inappropriate yourself...the stuff you’re complaining about here just isn’t happening.

skallywag · 26-09-2019 1:52pm

kg703 wrote: »

I am a female working in a male dominated industry who has clients and is a client. I, on occasion, would be taken out on a one on one basis for dinner and drinks or meet a client for a drink and a chat. It a good way to build business relationships. I am married, happily so and usually just chat about work and our lives and managing life and workloads etc. If my husband had the same thing and female clients, I would have no issue. It’s the job.

Nobody on this thread is arguing otherwise, the core issue is whether staying out drinking until 02:00 in a one-to-one situation is something which should be deemed as reasonable or not, without at least having a chat about it, etc.

I genuinely wonder did you actually read the OP and subsequent points, or just waded right in with your own agenda.

AulWan · 26-09-2019 2:22pm

kg703 wrote: »

I am a female working in a male dominated industry who has clients and is a client. I, on occasion, would be taken out on a one on one basis for dinner and drinks or meet a client for a drink and a chat. It a good way to build business relationships. I am married, happily so and usually just chat about work and our lives and managing life and workloads etc. If my husband had the same thing and female clients, I would have no issue. It’s the job.

Some of the views expressed here are ridiculous and downright sexist. OP you sound like you have a good and trusting relationship with your wife who seems like she has a good career and good on her. Explain to her this particular one on one makes you a bit uneasy and why. You can talk it out that way. Maybe ask to meet the guy? Or just say it’s the very late night bit you aren’t too keen on. If you have a kid, that’s fair enough.

As a woman it’s very frustrating to not be ‘allowed’ have male friends or be allowed go on the piss with a male co worker simply because ‘oh you might end up doing something together’. I mean some of the people here would want to get some cop on. Such double standards.

I don't think anyone has an issue with a married woman entertaining a male business client.

I think its staying out, alone, with this client until 2am that is the issue. Its not the norm.

If it was just dinner and drinks, you could be easily expect to be home well before midnight.

Princess Calla · 26-09-2019 3:20pm

To be honest I get where KG is coming from.

I worked back office to some of the sales guys, I would say 95% male 5% female.

When I started first I remember two of the lads coming in looking for information. It was Friday the office was relaxed and they were dying!!

They'd been out on the Tuesday night at some function and again separately on Thursday night, and one of them says they had another client to entertain the Friday night...hence the information request. So basically out extremely late 3 nights that week.

When they left I remarked how both of them have wives and kids at home...one a newborn, I said I wonder how their wives feel about it.....it was quickly explained to me that they were doing it for their wives....entertaining meant more sales, more sales more commission, more commission a happier household..... Yeah I'm not convinced either!!

Anyway the point is , in a sales world this is the game you're playing. If you are female in a male dominated industry the chances are you will be having drinks with men on their own.This is what's expected of you. If you don't there's another person, most likely a man, willing to take your place, who will do all the late night entertaining.

kg703 · 26-09-2019 3:26pm

Apologies if I came across like I was making it about me, not my intention. This one does hit close to home with me and I have had situations where others would question me being one on one with a male for dinner or drinks while my husband being totally fine with it. And this is a very normal thing in the industry I’m in and nobody bats an eye if it’s a bloke.

The post from duvet day wound me up talking about ‘normal women knowing this is unacceptable’ & try ‘reverse psychology on her’ hence the rant. These people seem to have a good relationship, mind games are a sure fire way to mess that up. I’ll think before I type though next time.

IAMAMORON · 26-09-2019 3:30pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

To be honest I get where KG is coming from.

I worked back office to some of the sales guys, I would say 95% male 5% female.

When I started first I remember two of the lads coming in looking for information. It was Friday the office was relaxed and they were dying!!

They'd been out on the Tuesday night at some function and again separately on Thursday night, and one of them says they had another client to entertain the Friday night...hence the information request. So basically out extremely late 3 nights that week.

When they left I remarked how both of them have wives and kids at home...one a newborn, I said I wonder how their wives feel about it.....it was quickly explained to me that they were doing it for their wives....entertaining meant more sales, more sales more commission, more commission a happier household..... Yeah I'm not convinced either!!

Anyway the point is , in a sales world this is the game you're playing. If you are female in a male dominated industry the chances are you will be having drinks with men on their own.This is what's expected of you. If you don't there's another person, most likely a man, willing to take your place, who will do all the late night entertaining.

More sexist bile, totally off-topic and borderline trolling, please stop this. The Op has been quite genuine with this thread, using it as an opportunity to spew your sexist nonsense all over it is very unfair.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 26-09-2019 3:43pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

More sexist bile, totally off-topic and borderline trolling, please stop this. The Op has been quite genuine with this thread, using it as an opportunity to spew your sexist nonsense all over it is very unfair.

What the actual fcuk is sexist about the bits you highlighted there or the post at all? She worked in a male dominated field, pointed out when one works in a field with that gender breakdown you'll obviously have one-on-ones with colleagues/clients who are of the opposite gender.

Is the phrase "male dominated" really that triggering for you?

IAMAMORON · 26-09-2019 3:48pm

Erik Scarce Seaboard wrote: »

What the actual fcuk is sexist about the bits you highlighted there or the post at all? She worked in a male dominated field, pointed out when one works in a field with that gender breakdown you'll obviously have one-on-ones with colleagues/clients who are of the opposite gender.

Is the phrase "male dominated" really that triggering for you?

They are going completely off topic and emphasising that they are working in " male dominated environments".

This thread has nothing to do with what type of industry the ops partner works in, or whether or not having an affair with a client involves any argument about sexism.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 26-09-2019 3:54pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

They are going completely off topic and emphasising that they are working in " male dominated environments".

This thread has nothing to do with what type of industry the ops partner works in, or whether or not having an affair with a client involves any argument about sexism.

Of course the type of industry they work in is relevant, behaviour which would be totally unusual in one industry might be a bit more explicable in another.

There's been extensive discussion about how if this were two lads out it would be grand but how it's inappropriate for a married WOMAN to be out drinking that late with a client who's a MAN.

The people going off topic are the ones, like yourself, who are crying sexism because someone is "emphasising" (which is apparently synonymous with "mentioning") that their industry is male dominated while giving a perspective on the actual problem.

Is the OP sexist because he mentioned so many times that his spouse is female like? Calm down and cop on.

sReq | uTeK · 26-09-2019 3:54pm

I trust my wife implicitly. But if she started staying out with business clients until 2am in the am that would be a deal breaker for me.

People here saying would I be happy if it was 4pm-5pm. No is the answer if Alcohol was involved to a level consumed within the same time-frame.

IAMAMORON · 26-09-2019 4:04pm

Erik Scarce Seaboard wrote: »

Of course the type of industry they work in is relevant, behaviour which would be totally unusual in one industry might be a bit more inexplicable in another.

There's been extensive discussion about how if this were two lads out it would be grand but how it's inappropriate for a married WOMAN to be out drinking that late with a client who's a MAN.

The people going off topic are the ones, like yourself, who are crying sexism because someone is "emphasising" (which is apparently synonymous with "mentioning") that their industry is male dominated while giving a perspective on the actual problem.

Is the OP sexist because he mentioned so many times that his spouse is female like? Calm down and cop on.

I am not so sure electrobitch if I am being honest. The op asked a genuine question whether or not he was overthinking his wife's behaviour whilst entertaining clients.

I still don't understand what this has to do with the industry his wife works in, or if it has anything to do with male to female work demographics? Lets be honest it simply doesn't.

The op has opened a thread, his concerns about his wife's behaviour are not sexist.

Gender has absolutely nothing to do with someone having the ability to be unfaithful to their partner, at all. Infidelity is committed by men and women alike, on a very equal basis.

woodchuck · 26-09-2019 4:11pm

Mod note:

That's enough off-topic back-and-forth please.

Only post if you have advice to direct to the OP. Any further off-topic posts will be deleted.

skallywag · 26-09-2019 4:46pm

Bringing 'male dominated environments' or 'WOMAN blah MAN' into the mix is taking the thread down a direction which is well wide of the OP's original conundrum here.

OP, I still believe that the crux of the matter is your wife doing this without any apparent consideration at all for your own feelings here.

If my wife did the same I would also be pissed off. Not with the fact that she is out with a man for business, but the fact that she thinks that being out with a man until two in the morning, drinking, in a one-to-one situation, would be something that is just 'whatever' and not even deserving of an extra mention.

I would be hard pressed to believe that anyone one this thread would feel comfortable with the same. At the end of the day it is just blatantly disrespectful.

Princess Calla · 26-09-2019 6:13pm

Sorry I didn't mean to derail or troll.

However the OP stated the guy was in the same industry and is potentially a client. To be a client you are receiving a good or service.

On this basis I offered my experience on what happens in my industry, entertaining can go on into the small hours of the morning. There are partners like the OP at home with children.

Now I think the OP and his wife are pretty chilled, there seems to be a good balance of give and take, from his description.

However I think it's unfair to say his wife is being disrespectful. Until he speaks to her she's unaware that he's upset by these nights out. He says himself he has no issue with any other time she's out.

I really hope at this stage he has talked to her and sorted it out.

IAMAMORON · 26-09-2019 6:23pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Sorry I didn't mean to derail or troll.

However the OP stated the guy was in the same industry and is potentially a client. To be a client you are receiving a good or service.

On this basis I offered my experience on what happens in my industry, entertaining can go on into the small hours of the morning. There are partners like the OP at home with children.

Now I think the OP and his wife are pretty chilled, there seems to be a good balance of give and take, from his description.

However I think it's unfair to say his wife is being disrespectful. Until he speaks to her she's unaware that he's upset by these nights out. He says himself he has no issue with any other time she's out.

I really hope at this stage he has talked to her and sorted it out.

Why do you think it is unfair of him to say is wife is being disrespectful?

[AITA] Partner coming home late

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