[AITA] Partner coming home late

LegacyUser

Going anon for this one.

I would appreciate some considered opinions to help me in my framing of this situation.
In short - to work out whether I'm the Azzhole (AITA) in thie scenario.

Relates to my partner and I - both mid-30s, she is (as you'd expect) free to go out as much as she likes. Doesn't go out all that often - much like myself.

She goes out with friends occasionally. Has gone away for the weekend with them. Has gone away for a couple of days on work junkets. Has gone out on work related nights out and annual award shows. She could come home at any time between 2 and 5 and I think nothing of it more than I hope she had a good time. Basically able to do what she likes and when she likes and I'll mind the baby - she returns the favour when I want to go out. So, outlining here that I'm no control freak.

I go out with the lads and go away with them once a year. We also (again, as you'd expect) go out as a couple. So far so normal.

Maybe 3 times over the past year she has gone out with a guy who would be an industry colleague - not Ireland based - so he is only in the Country periodically. He would also be a potential client of hers. When they have met, its usually dinner and drinks after work. Again, I've no issue with this in principle.

However, the times they have met she has returned home at an early hour of the morning and it doesn't sit well with me.

I trust her, but part of me feels that its inappropriate for her to be out sans-business partner on what could, to the casual observer, be a date.
If she went out, met the client after work and was back home around 11. No bother. I understand that attracting clients will sometimes involve dinner and drinks but rolling in at 2a.m has a bit of a red flag. Most other client events are multi-people affairs so this sticks out a bit.

While I trust her, going out and getting plastered, alone with some guy I think sets the scene for something to happen (potentially) ruinous of our relationship.

I don't suspect anything to have happened but I would also think that she would not be too impressed were I going for dinner and drinks until 2 in the morning with some reasonably attractive girl.

So what do you think? AITA?

wiggle16

You might say no bother but obviously you're willing to trust her under certain circumstances and not under others. There are things you consider to be "safe" and there is another you don't consider "safe".

There isn't anything special about staying out after 11pm that makes a person more likely to cheat. Would you have a problem if she was meeting this colleague/client and coming home at 11pm? 12am? What time is sufficient to satisfy your anxiety?

I'm not having a go at you but you need to decide whether this is worth bringing up with her, as it creates another issue which could be equally "ruinous". You'd be questioning the trust between you - and the fact you used called her behaviour potentially "ruinous" indicates you already think she's doing wrong by meeting this man and that it puts your relationship at risk. To me, she's not doing anything objectively wrong. I don't see why she needs to do this either, or why they can't meet for lunch.

No one here can really say whether or not she's cheating or at risk of cheating. It's up to both of you to decide what's acceptable in your relationship. You could tell her how you feel, that it makes you uncomfortable, but you do need to consider how that might make her feel in turn. You need to decide if you feel strongly enough about this to bring it up and risk the fallout from that.

skallywag

When she meets this client, is it just the two of them going out to dinner and staying out so late?

If it is I would find this very unusual. I can see how a dinner makes sense from a business perspective, though to be honest with you when I am in such a situation myself it is never a one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex for an evening meal.

Staying out until all hours drinking afterwards, in the same one-on-one situation, would raise my eyebrow though.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

You might say no bother but obviously you're willing to trust her under certain circumstances and not under others. There are things you consider to be "safe" and there is another you don't consider "safe".

There isn't anything special about staying out after 11pm that makes a person more likely to cheat. Would you have a problem if she was meeting this colleague/client and coming home at 11pm? 12am? What time is sufficient to satisfy your anxiety?

I'm not having a go at you but you need to decide whether this is worth bringing up with her, as it creates another issue which could be equally "ruinous". You'd be questioning the trust between you - and the fact you used called her behaviour potentially "ruinous" indicates you already think she's doing wrong by meeting this man and that it puts your relationship at risk. To me, she's not doing anything objectively wrong. I don't see why she needs to do this either, or why they can't meet for lunch.

No one here can really say whether or not she's cheating or at risk of cheating. It's up to both of you to decide what's acceptable in your relationship. You could tell her how you feel, that it makes you uncomfortable, but you do need to consider how that might make her feel in turn. You need to decide if you feel strongly enough about this to bring it up and risk the fallout from that.

In short I believe meeting someone for a work-related function say @ 6 and being home by 11 is quite reasonable. 1-3 a.m would appear to be drifting into something else, no?
I think it also comes back to the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot I would be quite aware how my being out until all hours with a girl might make her feel. Reasonable, no?

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

When she meets this client, is it just the two of them going out to dinner and staying out so late?

If it is I would find this very unusual. I can see how a dinner makes sense from a business perspective, though to be honest with you when I am in such a situation myself it is never a one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex for an evening meal.

Staying out until all hours drinking afterwards, in the same one-on-one situation, would raise my eyebrow though.

Yes, just the two of them. As mentioned before, she would periodically be out with the girls or at other work functions where her business partner would also be in attendance, or would go on a trip with other industry peers for 2 or 3 nights abroad. No issue there.
Its the one to one, late-night aspect that gives rise to concern that I think is somewhat justified. Albeit I don't suspect anything. However, it could sow the seeds of something were it to go unchecked - more drink, more familiarity, less inhibitions?

IAMAMORON

Op for what it is worth I don't like the sound of it either. If she is meeting a client it should be Cinderella stuff, home by midnight.

That is not to say anything is going on. But anything after 2.00 am is well after closing time, especially midweek.

How important is the client? Have you met him? Nothing may have happened at all, but does he think something might happen? It could be bad for business longterm if she is not careful there.

Just to add to this, I do doubt that they are at it to be honest. If they actually were screwing each other you would never find out and she would be home by half eleven, yawning and ready for bed.

As I mentioned earlier it may be that the client fancies your wife and she simply likes the attention, that can happen. Would she try to wind you up if your sex life was challenging lately? She might be trying to get you to give her some more attention.

Billybob7675

skallywag wrote: »

When she meets this client, is it just the two of them going out to dinner and staying out so late?

If it is I would find this very unusual. I can see how a dinner makes sense from a business perspective, though to be honest with you when I am in such a situation myself it is never a one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex for an evening meal.

Staying out until all hours drinking afterwards, in the same one-on-one situation, would raise my eyebrow though.

Created this throwaway account so as to avoid having mods approve my comments. I did reply to this one earlier but it hasn't appeared yet.

Yeah it would just be the two of them. I mentioned above I would have no issue were it 3 or more at this thing.

Probably best to have a chat with her later all the same but its just how to frame it.

Billybob7675

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Op for what it is worth I don't like the sound of it either. If she is meeting a client it should be Cinderella stuff, home by midnight.

That is not to say anything is going on. But anything after 2.00 am is well after closing time, especially midweek.

How important is the client? Have you met him? Nothing may have happened at all, but does he think something might happen? It could be bad for business longterm if she is not careful there.

Just to add to this, I do doubt that they are at it to be honest. If they actually were screwing each other you would never find out and she would be home by half eleven, yawning and ready for bed.

As I mentioned earlier it may be that the client fancies your wife and she simply likes the attention, that can happen. Would she try to wind you up if your sex life was challenging lately? She might be trying to get you to give her some more attention.

Would tend to agree with the above.
Haven't met him, no. Importance-wise - reasonably important.

I'd agree that I dont think anything IS happening. Other signs of that type of thing aren't there - weird messages, possessive of the phone etc.
Possibly she enjoys his company but that is/would be part of the problem as I see it.
If her Business partner were tagging along I wouldn't be writing any of this thats for sure.

Would she wind me up like that? That would be completely out of character.

wiggle16

billybob7675 wrote: »

In short I believe meeting someone for a work-related function say @ 6 and being home by 11 is quite reasonable. 1-3 a.m would appear to be drifting into something else, no?
I think it also comes back to the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot I would be quite aware how my being out until all hours with a girl might make her feel. Reasonable, no?

Okay, so you already have your mind made up then?

I wouldn't be happy if my partner was giving me a curfew - "reasonable" or not. I would be doubly unhappy if my partner was giving me a curfew because he didn't trust me not to play away on him.

The point of my first post is that you might want to consider that your wife might not think that your anxieties, or desire to have a say in what time she socialises until, are reasonable. And you might want to give that some consideration before you bring it up.

Neyite

I'm on another forum where there's nearly always a thread about someone wondering if their partner is cheating or has cheated. In nearly all cases where it's been proven that they were, the OP is usually adamant that their partner doesn't have a single bit of free time that was unaccounted for but their partner has managed to cheat at work, on their lunch, at a hobby, on their commute on their way home, at home and so on. People really will find that 20-30 mins for a quickie if they are really determined.

My point is that if she wanted something to happen with this guy it could happen morning or night, sober or hammered, so her staying out until 2am as opposed to a perceived saver home time of 11pm is a bit of a false comfort for you.

Having said that, I am a believer in some people having some sort of instinct for someone who is a threat to your relationship - characterised usually by not being able to describe why you are grand with your wife going out with Blokes A or B but you have a feeling about Bloke C - but - even if he might be someone who she could have considered dating if she was single, it doesn't mean that she would ever act on it while in your relationship.

Have you tried to talk to her about your feelings on this?

IAMAMORON

Neyite you massively just beat me to your post.

Op I strongly believe that if you wife is cheating you will never find out, women are not clumsy when it comes to cheating. You are clutching at straws with phone possessiveness, I would be a lot more inclined to be on the eye out for new sexy clothes and an expensive haircut.

As I may already said if they are having an affair they are skipping the business dinner and ordering the strawberries and champagne up to his hotel room, at 7pm. She is home by eleven pecking you on the cheek with a squeezy hug and off to beddie byes.

Billybob7675

wiggle16 wrote: »

Okay, so you already have your mind made up then?

I wouldn't be happy if my partner was giving me a curfew - "reasonable" or not. I would be doubly unhappy if my partner was giving me a curfew because he didn't trust me not to play away on him.

The point of my first post is that you might want to consider that your wife might not think that your anxieties, or desire to have a say in what time she socialises until, are reasonable. And you might want to give that some consideration before you bring it up.

Well, I've not had my mind changed that its reasonable or considerate to go out with someone of the opposite sex drinking alone until the early hours. I would and have been pulled up on similar interactions previously, and they were curtailed immediately so yes, a partner does have a say in these things IMO.

Most people have limits (or curfews if you want to use that word), some dont. That might be 11 or 12 if dining one to one.
Almost everyone has a 'curfew', I'd have a hard time believing that you would be alright if your partner went out with a girl from work, didn't come home until the next and "slept on her couch" - maybe you'd be ok with that; or maybe thats your limit. I don't know.

A partner, particularly a spouse or long term partner, does IMO have a say in who, how and for how long you socialize with someone. If I was engaging in behaviour that made my partner feel uneasy than I would want to know about it and not have her bottle it up for fear of me having a meltdown.
I don't think we're going to agree on that but thanks for the input.

Princess Calla

Just beaten too....people have been known to have affairs bringing the dog for a walk!!

None of us can give a definite answer.

Once you stop trusting your partner the relationship is gone in my opinion.

Like other posters have said if she was up to no good she'd be more likely home early complaining about how boring the dude is and how she hates the meet and greet part of her job!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Billybob7675 wrote: »

A partner, particularly a spouse or long term partner, does IMO have a say in who, how and for how long you socialize with someone. If I was engaging in behaviour that made my partner feel uneasy than I would want to know about it and not have her bottle it up for fear of me having a meltdown.

Do YOU feel that way?

What is it that's stopped you from just broaching the subject? Uncertainty over whether you're being reasonable, or wariness of her reaction?

You seem pretty confident that this is a legitimate grievance, when she's brought similar grievances to you you say you've willingly adjusted your behaviour, what's different here?

I guess what I'm asking is do you have a habit of putting your foot in it with your wording/timing/etc with these conversations, or does she have a record of "having a meltdown"?

Billybob7675

Thanks for the replies.

I think its best to have a chat with her, let her know how I feel about late night one to one type engagements and take it from there.

I disagree with this though:

Once you stop trusting your partner the relationship is gone in my opinion.

Relationships aren't black and white, as with all human interactions there are shades of grey; and you'd be a fool to trust anyone wholey and unconditionally. People lie. Even those closest to you can lie. Thats just a fact.
Its also possible to question, identify and discuss what you see as negative behaviour (or behaviour your uneasy with) with your partner without everyone getting triggered.
For example, I was friendly with a girl before I met my wife, sort of dated for a bit - years after met her in town when wifey was with me, on the way home future-wife let it be known that she thought ex still had a thing and that she would not be pleased if I had anything beyond basic contact with her. I complied. Its a two-way street.

Billybob7675

Erik Scarce Seaboard wrote: »

Do YOU feel that way?

What is it that's stopped you from just broaching the subject? Uncertainty over whether you're being reasonable, or wariness of her reaction?

You seem pretty confident that this is a legitimate grievance, when she's brought similar grievances to you you say you've willingly adjusted your behaviour, what's different here?

I guess what I'm asking is do you have a habit of putting your foot in it with your wording/timing/etc with these conversations, or does she have a record of "having a meltdown"?

The purpose of starting this thread was to get some sort of consensus as to whether my unease about her staying out to 2a.m with someone, who for all intents and purposes is supposed to be simply a business relationship, would make anyone else raise an eyebrow or not. Or whether I was being unreasonable in expecting business matters to conclude some time before midnight - as both of them had to be back in work today after all. And just to reitterate, I don't think anything has happened - but mistakes can happen when 2 people alone have too much to drink.
Both of us a pretty chill so not the meltdown types. I also think that i'd be getting a frosty reception were I to occassionally go out after work for a nice dinner and then drink until the morning hours with a female colleague. She'd put a brave face on the first time, maybe the second time - but beyond that I think Winter would be coming.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Billybob7675 wrote: »

The purpose of starting this thread was to get some sort of consensus as to whether my unease about her staying out to 2a.m with someone, who for all intents and purposes is supposed to be simply a business relationship, would make anyone else raise an eyebrow or not. Or whether I was being unreasonable in expecting business matters to conclude some time before midnight - as both of them had to be back in work today after all. And just to reitterate, I don't think anything has happened - but mistakes can happen when 2 people alone have too much to drink.
Both of us a pretty chill so not the meltdown types. I also think that i'd be getting a frosty reception were I to occassionally go out after work for a nice dinner and then drink until the morning hours with a female colleague. She'd put a brave face on the first time, maybe the second time - but beyond that I think Winter would be coming.

It's hard to get consensus on these kind of questions though because relationships are different. I understand why you're uncomfortable with it, and you've outlined how you've responded to situations where she was uncomfortable in the past, so I'm just curious as to why the reluctance to do the obvious thing and talk to her. You seem pretty set in your position that this is inappropriate and hypocritical, what difference does the agreement of a half dozen strangers on the internet who don't know your relationship make? It's just an odd combination of being convinced you're right and needing some validation from here, which is why I was asking if she was likely to go nuclear.

Even over the course of this thread this seems to be festering into resentment, the double standard seems to be a big source of your frustration.

The only real course of action is for you to talk to her, do you have a good idea of how you're going to go about that?

wiggle16

Erik Scarce Seaboard wrote: »

The only real course of action is for you to talk to her, do you have a good idea of how you're going to go about that?

OP, this is what I was trying to get at.

IAMAMORON

The biggest acid test here op, if you don't mind me asking, is how are things in the bedroom lately?

The reason I ask is that while women are capable of infidelity, they are generally quite monogamous in nature. My point being that if your wife is having an affair, the last person she will want to be having sex with at the moment is regrettably you..... if it is on you will have found a distinct lack of connection lately and maybe a lack of intimacy?

Billybob7675

Erik Scarce Seaboard wrote: »

It's hard to get consensus on these kind of questions though because relationships are different. I understand why you're uncomfortable with it, and you've outlined how you've responded to situations where she was uncomfortable in the past, so I'm just curious as to why the reluctance to do the obvious thing and talk to her. You seem pretty set in your position that this is inappropriate and hypocritical, what difference does the agreement of a half dozen strangers on the internet who don't know your relationship make? It's just an odd combination of being convinced you're right and needing some validation from here, which is why I was asking if she was likely to go nuclear.

Even over the course of this thread this seems to be festering into resentment, the double standard seems to be a big source of your frustration.

The only real course of action is for you to talk to her, do you have a good idea of how you're going to go about that?

The thread has served as a sounding board and possibly some catharsis. I will just proceed as I originally intended.

Even over the course of this thread this seems to be festering into resentment, the double standard seems to be a big source of your frustration.

That hadn't been my intention, I only mentioned it as a point of reference and to be totally honest hadn't actually thought if that example / moment until just as I wrote it - it is of no issue to me at all.

Billybob7675

IAMAMORON wrote: »

The biggest acid test here op, if you don't mind me asking, is how are things in the bedroom lately?

The reason I ask is that while women are capable of infidelity, they are generally quite monogamous in nature. My point being that if your wife is having an affair, the last person she will want to be having sex with at the moment is regrettably you..... if it is on you will have found a distinct lack of connection lately and maybe a lack of intimacy?

That's all grand not worried about anything there.
And just to reiterate, I don't expect that anything inappropriate has happened or highly likely to happen but is/was interested to hear the thoughts of others in relationships or married - if your partner stepped out in the same scenario - would you have any unease?

IAMAMORON

Billybob7675 wrote: »

That's all grand not worried about anything there.
And just to reiterate, I don't expect that anything inappropriate has happened or highly likely to happen but is/was interested to hear the thoughts of others in relationships or married - if your partner stepped out in the same scenario - would you have any unease?

It massively depends. But I would take nothing for granted and trust your instincts. I would also be extremely careful about how you approach your wife to discuss, be careful you do not hurt her feelings, insinuating that she has been unfaithful is not good, especially if you have the wrong end of the stick.

But I don't blame you for having concerns, she is your wife, I get it. Even the concept that she is enjoying a " platonic date ", it would wind me up slightly insofar as what I am not supplying emotionally into our marriage.

Thread carefully and keep an eye on it.

One last thing, does your wife have close friends or sisters? It is a slight tangent but I would be interested in knowing from a behavioural perspective. If she has close sisters and strong family values it can make a difference how she values your marriage and her own life. Have any of her friends ever had an affair, or furthermore has she ever discussed her friends private life with you?

piplip87

If she was having it off with him, I'm sure she would tell you her business partner was there with them...

Maybe she does see this fella as more than a client but just likes been friends with the fella. It happens in workplaces. I've myself gotten close to female work colleagues, would go for pints with them after work, sometimes the craic is good and you stay out all night but I would never try anything with them as I am in a relationship... I'd say she just thinks the fella is sound and knocks good craic out of him.

Princess Calla

Billybob7675 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I think its best to have a chat with her, let her know how I feel about late night one to one type engagements and take it from there.

I disagree with this though:



Relationships aren't black and white, as with all human interactions there are shades of grey; and you'd be a fool to trust anyone wholey and unconditionally. People lie. Even those closest to you can lie. Thats just a fact.
Its also possible to question, identify and discuss what you see as negative behaviour (or behaviour your uneasy with) with your partner without everyone getting triggered.
For example, I was friendly with a girl before I met my wife, sort of dated for a bit - years after met her in town when wifey was with me, on the way home future-wife let it be known that she thought ex still had a thing and that she would not be pleased if I had anything beyond basic contact with her. I complied. Its a two-way street.

There's a huge difference in a white lie where no one is getting hurt and infidelity. Infidelity is pretty black and white.

If you are not happy with her behaviour talk to her.

The way it stands you're not happy with her socialising with this person....why is that?...are you fuming when she returns?... It's obviously having a negative impact on you. I don't need answers to these questions.

It doesn't sound like a trusting relationship if you are dictating who you can or cannot talk to.

skallywag

Billybob7675 wrote: »

... if your partner stepped out in the same scenario - would you have any unease?

If she was having one-on-one dinners and drinks until early in the morning with someone, who was not say a close friend who they know very well, etc, then I would definitely find it unnerving, and it is definitely something that would strike a chord with me.

OK, perhaps there is nothing to it, but at the very least I would find it upsetting that she thinks that this behaviour is acceptable in the first place. I would not carry on like this with my own partner, and I would expect her to consider it extremely disrespectful if I did.

As mentioned before, I totally get the dinner and drinks after work thing, I do it often myself. But why is she not coming home earlier hour like most people I know of at least would do in such a situation? This opinion is not coming from a controlling mindset, I just would find it very strange myself if I was in your shoes, and I would be quite disappointed somehow if she thinks that such behaviour is acceptable and thinks you should not question it.

I would not dream of treating my own other half the same way, and I am guessing that you would also think it very disrespectful if you were to act the same.

ILoveYourVibes

Hello OP.


This is a nuanced situation.

I think you have to find a way of expressing your feelings without making her feel like you think she is doing something wrong or that you don't trust her.

She is giving someone , one person a lot of time , and it makes you feel maybe not necessarily mistrustful but that this situation challenges or is a threat to your intimacy.

You can remedy it one of two ways.

1. Ask her to devote less attention to this person. Not cut this person out but maybe see them socially and come home a bit early.

2. I feel the reason this is bothering to you is that this is a challenge to your feelings of being intimate with your partner.

So .........work on the intimacy work on your closeness and attachment.

Also maybe suggest to her getting plastered with a client is not the most professional look believe it or not. Besides you can fake being drunk if you need to put on the facade of being merry with a client and its much better.

Whether or not she is cheating i have no idea. Yes its a little unusual to stay out that late for a business relationship. But its only a few times a yr etc.


As to asking her.

There are a couple of ways I would go about it.

1. You can ask a little jokingly ....Oh I am so jealous etc ...it feels like you are having an affair...see how she reacts.

2. You can ask her directly.

3. You can ask indirect questions.

tara73

OP, I think your main issue, and rightly so, is she's disrespectful towards you with her behaviour staying out that late with the client in a one to one situation.
It's not about the actual cheating possibility as you stated more than once you don't think it is happening.

I just wonder do you guys not talk? Is she just disappearing out the door when meeting this man? It would be fair and appropriate to let you know what she's up to with him, I mean in saying she's going for dinner for that and that reason and needs to go for drinks after because he likes going out to a nightclub or whatever. That would give you some confirmation it's something she has to do business wise and you don't need to worry.

I mean, you have a baby together, this seems to be a long term relationship but than it doesn't really matter, two people committed to each other should treat with respect and not leaving things open for a mindf*** like it is happening with you here now.

tomwaits48

I’d definitely have a problem with this, something is not right here. I entertain clients all the time, 1/2 drinks after dinner and then your done....unless u want something else to happen...

AulWan

Dinner and drinks after work with a colleague = home by 10pm at the latest.

2am? No.

skallywag

tara73 wrote: »

OP, I think your main issue, and rightly so, is she's disrespectful towards you with her behaviour staying out that late with the client in a one to one situation.

This is hitting the nail on the head for me as well.

Regardless of what may or may not be going on (and I would also tend to think that there is nothing going on by the way), this would really piss me off.

AulWan

Does her business partner ever take a turn entertaining this client?

lawred2

Don't know too many work situations that require three late nights in a week.

I've been involved in my fair share of schmoozing but that seems excessive to me.

skallywag

lawred2 wrote: »

Don't know too many work situations that require three late nights in a week.

I've been involved in my fair share of schmoozing but that seems excessive to me.

... where are you getting the week from?

lawred2

skallywag wrote: »

... where are you getting the week from?

On review.. I don't know. My hole by the looks of it.

Three times in a year.. hmmm that might be passable. Still borderline.

LegacyUser

OP:

Does she not give you any information the day after she has been out as to where they ate, went for drinks, things he said? Or is it like nothing has happened?

It can hardly be all chat about work stuff staying out that late.

I would be very cautious about this also, could be innocent, could be not, could be she enjoys the attention.. so where does it cross a line

LegacyUser

I think it's very inappropriate.

If someone is regularly spending one on one time with someone of the opposite sex (or the same depending on your sexual orientation to be PC) then that is exactly the way that bonds are formed and crushes or soft spots can develop! It doesn't necessarily mean it will lead to cheating but the relationship could still be somewhat inappropriate in that sense!

I also think it is disrespectful as it is could definitely be seen as a date, more than likely it will look like a date to anyone who spots them, I'd personally find it to be a bit embarrassing if someone I knew saw them!

Of course there will be some people who think it's all fine and harmless and so on, but there generally are social norms that people within relationships follow when it comes to boundaries with people of the opposite sex...and it's disrespectful of them to put you in the position where you feel uncomfortable about it or have to ask them to consider you or come home at a reasonable hour!

ILoveYourVibes

OP if the client was the same gender as her do you think it would be happening?

zapper55

Op for all you know he could be gay. I think you need to talk to her as its driving you mad.

This is definitely not normal and also very inconsiderate to your spouse left at home holding the baby.

Going out late with friends the odd time is very different than going out till the small hours with a member of the opposite sex for business. I've had hundreds of business dinners and drinks and this has never happened or been necessary.

I would be very skeptical thst there is nothing going on here OP.

Clarabel

If this was two guys going out for dinner and drinks until 2 in the morning no-one would be batting an eye. You either trust her or you don't.

Dtp1979

Clarabel wrote: »

If this was two guys going out for dinner and drinks until 2 in the morning no-one would be batting an eye. You either trust her or you don't.

Easy to say that, but Her actions are suspicious and not making trust easy.

AulWan

Clarabel wrote: »

If this was two guys going out for dinner and drinks until 2 in the morning no-one would be batting an eye. You either trust her or you don't.

Not necessarily.

if it was two guys going out for dinner and staying out until 2am, I'd say they were on the pull, or at the very least, he was acting as wingman while the other was on the pull.

Thelonious Monk

Clarabel wrote: »

If this was two guys going out for dinner and drinks until 2 in the morning no-one would be batting an eye. You either trust her or you don't.

Maybe he wouldn't bat an eyelid, but maybe it's inappropriate for a married woman with a baby to be carrying on like this with another bloke? I mean she'd want to be pretty stupid to not consider it might cause her husband some anxiety.

Bob Harris

Regardless of wether anything is happening or not, should she be out half the night having dinner and boozing with a client midweek when she has a partner and child at home? Possibly not.

Clarabel

When I go on trips abroad I'm often out with colleagues til all hours because friendships develop in work situations. It's all about craic. I'm not a messy drunk though and when that happens I usually leave.

Sometimes there are others sometimes there are not. I like craic and when someone matches your craic then it's great to spend time with them. There's nothing romantic at all. It's just good clean fun.

I cannot understand why there is this assumption that it's all about pulling or cheating.

Dtp1979

Clarabel wrote: »

I cannot understand why there is this assumption that it's all about pulling or cheating.

Because an awful lot of the time it is. Put 2 people together who find each other attractive, let them spend enough time together and with enough alcohol it can happen, and does, a lot.

Princess Calla

Bob Harris wrote: »

Regardless of wether anything is happening or not, should she be out half the night having dinner and boozing with a client midweek when she has a partner and child at home? Possibly not.

She has been out 3 times in a year!!!

The guys I work with might be out 3 times a week with clients leaving their wives and kids at home.

Bob Harris

Princess Calla wrote: »

She has been out 3 times in a year!!!

The guys I work with might be out 3 times a week with clients leaving their wives and kids at home.

My comment would apply equally to them.

Clarabel

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Because an awful lot of the time it is. Put 2 people together who find each other attractive, let them spend enough time together and with enough alcohol it can happen, and does, a lot.

Who find each other attractive is a big part of the assumption! Two people who see each other a few times a year and have craic .....is very different.

Princess Calla

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Because an awful lot of the time it is. Put 2 people together who find each other attractive, let them spend enough time together and with enough alcohol it can happen, and does, a lot.

Yeah but it's 3 times a year maybe for 8 or 9 hours each time....so basically in the course of 365 days she spends one day in their company.

Affairs happen, but jesus if I was going to throw a relationship with kids etc away it be for more than a quickie once every 4 months!!

LegacyUser

Clarabel wrote: »

Who find each other attractive is a big part of the assumption! Two people who see each other a few times a year and have craic .....is very different.

its an assumption but could be equally true or not, we don't know of course.

what if they are also whatsapping each other regularly and its not about work stuff? building a 'friendship' behind the back of the OP who is none the wiser?

where do you draw the line?