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He ghosted. How to handle?

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    #32
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    leggo wrote: »
    Sounds like a textbook avoidant. Look into 'attachment styles' sometime, it might ring a few bells for you and make you feel better about the situation.

    OP seriously, look this up. Everything you've added plays into it: being all about the relationship one day, wanting to make plans for the future, then pushing away just as things seem to hit an intimate peak. You say this keeps on happening so you've got your guard up...well you're probably subconsciously attracted to these types and attract them as such, it's a whole thing.

    Only by being aware of it and re-learning what healthy is can you look out for it and be one step ahead and you can find out loads for free on Google. It's a game-changer and will help you process this as well as giving you back some feeling of power in your own lovelife.


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    #33
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Neither of you did anything wrong.

    You got together and it was nice, it felt right to you and there was an intensity from which you thought he felt the same way as you. And he probably did. It certainly sounds like he did.

    Then contact changed for a couple of days and you got that gut feeling that something fundamental had changed. Unfortunately you were right. That's no one's fault. That's part and parcel of dating - he probably realised he just wasn't that into it, for whatever reason. It's not a reflection on you. And I don't think it's a reflection on him either. It's just how these things happen.

    He could have contacted you himself to say this rather than having you ask, and really he should have met up with you in my opinion, text isn't great for these things, but if he's away still then perhaps he was planning to do that when he got back.

    I think people often forget that it's hard for the person who is ending things too - you know that you're going to hurt someone's feelings and it's impossible to "get it right". The result is people put it off until the very last. That isn't fair but it's understandable, it's human nature.

    Im sorry this happened OP and it is disappointing. I've been dumped plenty of times and it's not nice. But I don't think either of you did anything wrong.

    Mind yourself and don't try to over analyse it. Good luck OP x


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    #34
    Cali1978
    Registered Users Posts: 27 ✭Cali1978


    I think Laine_d post above is excellent. I think women who have been through what the op has written get where’s she’s coming from. It’s vwry hard to go into another first date and not think maybe this will be someone special who will go the distance. Never mind someone who seems as keen as this guy was. It’s not fair to tell the op she invested too quickly, I think.


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    #35
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    It’s interesting that the initial and most thanked posts to the OP’s original post turned out to be so wrong. She was right that he was giving her the swerve and doing a complete 180 on the “I really like you” behaviour up to that point. The lesson there being trust your instincts, you’re the expert on the situation & if something feels off, 99.999% of the time it is.

    Of course he didn’t owe her a relationship, he was single and allowed to change his mind blah blah but come on folks, we should hold ourselves to a higher standard than these technicalities when it comes to matters of the heart. If you hardcore chase someone you’ve got history with and treat them essentially as you would a girlfriend from the first date and infer all these future plans, it’s simply bad behaviour to do a complete u-turn and leave someone to work it out for themselves, particularly after an intimate date. That’s bad behaviour, not “just dating”. You can “give something a go” without these wild gestures and going balls to the wall and lovebombing them in these early days. I fail to believe someone goes from “totally fancy the crap out of this person and will do what it takes to woo them” to “nope” overnight, which is essentially what his behaviour conveyed. And if he did then he’s a bit unstable to say the least.


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    #36
    milli milli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    leggo wrote: »
    OP seriously, look this up. Everything you've added plays into it: being all about the relationship one day, wanting to make plans for the future, then pushing away just as things seem to hit an intimate peak. You say this keeps on happening so you've got your guard up...well you're probably subconsciously attracted to these types and attract them as such, it's a whole thing.

    Only by being aware of it and re-learning what healthy is can you look out for it and be one step ahead and you can find out loads for free on Google. It's a game-changer and will help you process this as well as giving you back some feeling of power in your own lovelife.

    Yes definitely look up avoidant attachment style OP. There’s plenty of those about in the dating world. If you know fairly attractive guys of a certain age who’ve never had proper relationships, there’s a good chance they’re avoidant types. And usually they pair up with people who have an anxious attachment style, which spells disaster for everyone involved.

    It’s a good thing to be aware of for dating. I chose avoidants my entire dating life which led to lots of pain and misery. But now I’m aware of this type, I avoid like the plague now.

    In your case, it was a bit of a horrible situation. Like ginandtonicsky said, this guy was an old friend and he turned on the charm, so you probably gave him the benefit of the doubt more than a stranger. By the sounds of it, this guy will probably never have a relationship (until he eventually sorts himself out), so don’t take it to heart. Yes he may just be not into you, but he also sounds like an avoidant, who essentially avoids any kind of intimacy.


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    #37
    cusser
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭cusser


    milli milli wrote: »
    In your case, it was a bit of a horrible situation. Like ginandtonicsky said, this guy was an old friend and he turned on the charm, so you probably gave him the benefit of the doubt more than a stranger. By the sounds of it, this guy will probably never have a relationship (until he eventually sorts himself out), so don’t take it to heart. Yes he may just be not into you, but he also sounds like an avoidant, who essentially avoids any kind of intimacy.

    There is something to be said for this.
    Unfortunately it is a difficult attachment style to shed. One cannot re-invent oneself overnight.:(

    I am going through something similar, and appreciate the replies that empathise with the devastating effect it can have, such as
    -thinking youv'e been played.
    -thinking there is something wrong with you.
    -doubting your judgment, and actually wondering if you were insane to have perceived the relationship was intimate and amazing; questioning your whole ability to perceive things accurately, in spite of being intelligent, well educated, experienced and streetwise.
    -wondering if you have been 'gas-lighted'
    ...etc...
    It really can do a number on one's head, self esteem, self-worth and it takes courage and strength to move forward, in my opinion.

    Best of luck OP.
    Hope something amazing crops up to make you feel you dodged a bullet.


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    #38
    milli milli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    cusser wrote: »
    There is something to be said for this.
    Unfortunately it is a difficult attachment style to shed. One cannot re-invent oneself overnight.:(.

    Oh absolutely it is difficult to shed. It is bred from childhood. So I wholeheartedly agree. That’s why I said (if the guy is an avoidant) he would need to work on himself to have a relationship.

    Anyway OP, go easy on yourself. Dating is so tricky. It’s really hard to know when to let your guard down and when to start feeling excited about something. When you’ve been burned many times, it would almost be easier if you could sign a contract with the other party at the start of things! :D


    Best of luck going forward


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    #39
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    we actually don't know if he's the avoidant type, there could be many other possibilities.

    For example he could be in the process of a seperation and didn't tell the OP. I had one of this nasty experiences. Very intense guy, telling me how much he liked me(love me) after a few weeks and all that. Then he was going quiet and that were the times when he tried to reconcile with his girlfriend.

    Could be it's that. Or something else. We don't know.

    But one thing is important OP, there are chances he will try to wiggle into your life again when it suits him. Be prepared for that, you can read up this behaviour many times in threads here. And be strong then and don't let him into your life again.


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    #40
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    That’s true. But the OP has also said that this keeps happening, to the point she’s now fine-tuned to spot the micro cues within a day or two of him going cold. That’d suggest it’s a recurring trend, which would suggest that it’s a type the OP is going for, which means she can actually do something productive in looking into this more and trying to avoid this type in future.

    I’d definitely agree that there’s a good chance of him coming back and being wary if/when it does happen.


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    #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just to add my 2c:

    It's very important that we take responsibility for our own behaviours and actions. This guy might have come on really strong, but you matched him love bomb for love bomb.

    It's very easy to allow ourselves to get swept up in the moment and get carried away when we like someone or are lonely etc. But it's very important that we set boundaries and know what we are or aren't comfortable with, and being strong enough in ourselves to say to the other person: that's too much and I'm not comfortable at that speed etc.

    I've been where you are and for a long time I was quite angry with the guy until it dawned on me that I had met him halfway. I jumped in with both feet, I meet him excessive text for excessive text, pet name for pet name - all of it! I was more than a willing participant. That's when I realised I had to shoulder some of the blame for how he treated me. He was getting as good as he was giving.

    You don't have to be aloof with any new love interests, but go at a pace you're happy with.


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    #42
    Franz Von Peppercorn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,070 ✭✭✭Franz Von Peppercorn


    People have run with the ball a bit here. He didnt ghost anybody but decided he wasn’t as interested after the weekend.

    Ghosting is a totally digital/mobile era term anyway, for the rest of human history people didn’t expect to live in each other pockets every hour of every day.

    And remember the op said

    I'm single about a year and a half and recently an old work colleague got in touch over facebook. He'd been in touch similarly before I met my ex and he asked me out but it sort of fizzled as things became official with the ex.

    One persons sorta fizzling is another person’s ghosting.


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    #43
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    As the last few posts have been general discussion and the OP seems to have reached a conclusion, I am going to close this thread.

    OP if you would like the thread reopened please let me know.

    Thanks & grma all who posted.

    Thread Locked


This discussion has been closed.
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