He ghosted. How to handle?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I know this is the age-old story...but I'm struggling to handle my emotions and would really appreciate some advice.

I'm single about a year and a half and recently an old work colleague got in touch over facebook. He'd been in touch similarly before I met my ex and he asked me out but it sort of fizzled as things became official with the ex.

Anyway, he gets back in touch, asks me out, and for the last month or so we've been texting non-stop and have met up for a bunch of dates. Slept together a few times too. Most recently we spent Easter Sunday together (we both live abroad), I cooked for him, we sat in a park in the sun all day, ate chocolate, drank wine, all over had a lovely day.

He's been travelling for work since and has completely dropped off the radar. I know he's got a busy schedule, but the sudden drop off is totally unusual behaviour for him, especially considering I can see he's been online ever since. I got a quick text on Monday, then I got in touch last night and not a peep out of him. I know the timeline isn't vast here, but given the pattern of our communication, I know exactly what this is.

I know there's people with far bigger problems out there, but this has really brought out all my insecurities and basically left me feeling like sh1t. It had been so chilled out and lovely with this guy, spending time together getting to know each other, great physical chemistry, lots in common etc. I took myself off the apps lately specifically because of this bs behaviour with lads and totally was fine being single, didn't expect anything when this guy came along and reeled me in.

I'm in a place where I don't want to just let it slide, for my own peace of mind. I'm not sure where this was leading, but I would've thought we were at the very least friends and would've expected a bit more respect than this at this stage of my life (we're both mid 30s)

What are people's thoughts and advice on how to deal here?

woodchuck

OP I really do think you're overreacting here. It's only been 2 days (or ~12 hours if you count your text last night). You said yourself, he's currently travelling for work with a busy schedule.

Maybe the level of intensity you've had with communicating to date just isn't sustainable? Particularly given his circumstances this week.

I'd certainly give him another day or two anyway before writing him off!

leggo

Easter Sunday was three days ago to be fair OP, and he is travelling for work. I know that when I'm dating someone early stages, I can drop off the radar occasionally if I'm busy elsewhere. Moreso the older I get: I'll check in with myself to see where my own head is at before getting swept up, it's healthy to do rather than becoming reliant on someone. Sometimes I'll drift a small bit after spending a lot of time with them, get my own space and get my head back in the game, before re-engaging.

This is very early days: a month is not a long time at all in dating, even if it has been an intense one with loads of contact and loads of sex. You're freaking out because he hasn't texted in a day, while he's travelling with work, essentially. That's not healthy OP. Regardless of what happens with this guy, even if he texts all apologetic with a perfectly valid reason, it's not good.

Check in with yourself here: why are you so dependent this early? Why are you giving this guy that power over you? Are you lonely, perhaps, and dying for contact so placing all of those hopes and expectations into this lad? If so, could that intensity perhaps have translated and created this situation (if there even is one)?

As far as I can tell, you're still single and haven't agreed to a relationship or exclusivity with this guy yet. Getting into a relationship with these hang-ups is usually a recipe for disaster. Use this time, again even if he gets back in touch (and I'd say he will tbh), to try get in a good headspace where you don't need a man and aren't going to fall apart if he doesn't text you on a random Tuesday. You do that by accepting these feelings, being really honest and asking yourself why you feel this way, then finding solutions that aren't dependent on other people's thoughts or actions.

tara73

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

I know the timeline isn't vast here, but given the pattern of our communication, I know exactly what this is.

thing is, we can't tell you what's the deal with him not responding that quickly. We don'tknow him, only you spent time with him.

But your gut is telling you obviously something. And for me, the gut is always right. So I'm afraid there's not much you can do but wait and see when/whether he replies.

I know people in this (for them panicky) situations tend to send another text but I would strongly advise to not doing this. I think you know yourself why, safe your dignity and it could only go in the wrong direction, coming across desperate and controlling.

skallywag

To be honest if he is on work travel, and you have been with him as recently as Sunday last, then I really cannot see how you can be casting the ghosting net over this already.

I would actually be a bit pissed myself if someone was getting worked up about this while I was on a business trip, and it would leave me asking myself should I just text less often in future just so that I don't somehow set some level of expectation which I am always then expected to live up to.

osarusan

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

I'm in a place where I don't want to just let it slide, for my own peace of mind. I'm not sure where this was leading, but I would've thought we were at the very least friends and would've expected a bit more respect than this at this stage of my life (we're both mid 30s)

What are people's thoughts and advice on how to deal here?

Considering he sent a text on Monday, we are talking about just one full day without contact, so I would definitely be inclined to give it more time, but you seem to have made your mind up that he is ghosting you and things are done..

So, what exactly are you looking for? What do you mean when you say you 'don't want to let it slide'?

If you want advice on how to react to being ghosted, your options are either to do something or do nothing.

if you want to do something, what did you have in mind? A text saying you would have expected something more mature from somebody his age? A text saying you'd expect him to show you a bit more respect than just disappearing? You can send them obviously. If he is ghosting you, don't expect any response though. But maybe just knowing that he read them is what you are looking for.

My advice is to do nothing, at least not right now, considering how soon it all is. If he is just busy or whatever, either of the above texts spells the end anyway.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice guys.

Leggo, I needed to read your post. I know I'm overreacting and I'm not sure why. Yes I would like to meet someone, and yes I'm tired of this sh1t! It's just so, so common these days and I thought this guy was different. I thought the fact that we knew each other and didn't meet online and it was all relatively stressfree til now meant something more than perhaps it did.

Anyway, yes I know I'm at risk of going full blown psycho beyotch from hell here, and I want to stay level headed in dealing with this. I know technically it's just a day or two, but it's so out of sync with our established texting pattern and I've just been here before I guess.

I think I'll go home and do something nice for myself, gym or long walk or something. Try to get a reign on the emotions and figure out how to handle these situations with a bit more of a pinch of salt. I think if I don't hear from him in a few days, I'll probbly drop a text asking what's up, is he no longer interested or something to that affect. More for me than anyone else; I just really abhor ghosting and hate the idea of unwittingly enabling that behaviour by not calling it out!

Calypso Realm

Heavens, when I read the title I thought someone was out of contact for a month or more!

Stressing over this will make it a lot, lot worse! I'm sure he will be in touch, but until then try and keep busy (as he's doing) and think positively. When he does be cheerful and glad to hear from him but don't mention the time frame etc!

Seriously, CHILL because nothing can ruin a budding relationship faster than this clingy sort of behaviour.

ginandtonicsky

I agree on the gut instinct. Sometimes you just kind of KNOW, even though on the face of it it’s literally been like a day or two.

I think what you should be thinking about is why you got invested so quickly. That texting pattern sounds a bit intense so it’s not surprising you got so emotionally involved. Even if he does get in touch, I’d recommend rolling back on the contact and being a bit more self protective, given your tendency to get attached quickly. It’s just going to amount in a lot of hurt and bitterness if this is you’re pattern when you start dating someone.

Arrival

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

Thanks for your advice guys.

Leggo, I needed to read your post. I know I'm overreacting and I'm not sure why. Yes I would like to meet someone, and yes I'm tired of this sh1t! It's just so, so common these days and I thought this guy was different. I thought the fact that we knew each other and didn't meet online and it was all relatively stressfree til now meant something more than perhaps it did.

Anyway, yes I know I'm at risk of going full blown psycho beyotch from hell here, and I want to stay level headed in dealing with this. I know technically it's just a day or two, but it's so out of sync with our established texting pattern and I've just been here before I guess.

I think I'll go home and do something nice for myself, gym or long walk or something. Try to get a reign on the emotions and figure out how to handle these situations with a bit more of a pinch of salt. I think if I don't hear from him in a few days, I'll probbly drop a text asking what's up, is he no longer interested or something to that affect. More for me than anyone else; I just really abhor ghosting and hate the idea of unwittingly enabling that behaviour by not calling it out!

This is mad...it's only been a month but even still, do you not realise that at some point this 'established' pattern wasn't going to continue as frequently or intensely as when you started seeing each other? You think this established pattern should continue for a year? Ten years? The rest of your lives? If it eventually (NATURALLY) slows down will you be freaking out thinking "oh this is it, he's grown tired of me now, it's fizzling out"? Do you not think him being on a business trip is a pretty normal and expected time for this to happen? He could be having to sit through long, boring and tiring meetings during these types of trips and just wants a complete mental break from everything and everyone when he leaves work in the evening or he could be trying to get along with the colleagues and socialising with them and since you're just a person he's been seeing FOR ONE MONTH he doesn't feel like he needs to check in with you like a husband would do with his wife...

Kidchameleon

How long was it after you met up before you slept together? I get the impression it was VERY soon. Probably not the best move. You probably wouldnt be giving this a second thought if you had of waited longer. Just something to bear in mind.

LegacyUser

we slept together on the first date, not on the few dates after that and then again on Easter Sunday. I know that's fast and not advisable (and not my style at all - literally hadn't had sex since my ex more than a year ago before this guy) but i didn't think it would be a problem, we're both in our mid 30s and seemed to be so on the same page.

I texted him this morning and he's been in touch in dribs and drabs, quick to tell me he;ll be away for the weekend, the cadence is totally off. i've toyed between the idea of asking him if he's keen to meet up again but more likely i'll just stop texting him, not about to chasing someone who's not demonstrating any interest anymore.

i just feel played for a fool tbh. i got totally reeled in with him chasing me all this time, he was first to text in the morning, sending constant pictures throughout the day and then last tning at night. if i was talking to a friend i'd prob be telling her that's a red flag, but i just genuinely thought he liked me. retrospectively i don't know how i could've thought otherwise, and now this.

skallywag

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

I texted him this morning and he's been in touch in dribs and drabs...

So he is actually in touch with you over the last days?

LegacyUser

Last update here probably. I just flat out asked what the deal was. I said he seemed "off" and if he wasn't into it, I'd rather just know than to be ghosted or whatever.

And I got this:

"Honestly im not sure what i'm at, bit lost! One day to the next I'm making different plans. I'm so unsettled. It's not fair on you to drag you along for the ride if i've no idea where i want to be. Don't get it wrong i do like you, but right now I'm not in the head space to settle!"

So i essentially got the fob off. He's not wrong that he's all over the place, for as long as we've been in touch he's been talking about looking at houses in Ireland, looking at places where we live, going travelling instead, etc. i don't think he has any substantial relationship history either.

But I guess from where I stand if you like someone enough none of that matters. You'd make those plans together if you liked them enough. So a bit disappointed and sad right now if i'm honest.

zapper55

Why do you feel like a fool? You went out for a while, you slept together and now it looks like he might have lost interest.

Whether or not ye had sex he may have lost interest at this point anyway. Lots of relationships dont last.

Ok him ghosting, if he is doing that, is cowardly but I dont understand why you are being so hard on yourself and on him. Yeah its disappointing if it doeant work out but you seem incredibly invested far too soon.

EarlyStorms

You already knew the answer before he told you, if a perspective love interest goes from constant communication to very little pretty much over night its because they're not that interested. It happens to us all and I've been the one who's gone cold. Sounds like you had some fun dates together so it wasn't a waste of time.

tara73

I think you managed this very well the last few hours, asking him directly what's the story and coming to a clear end.

now, don't be so hard on yourself. see, we've all been there, or most of us. you are a bit lonely and you really would like to meet somebody to have a proper relationship with. that's so natural.

Our desire is leading us towards what we want, leaving behind being cautious or aware because we want to be happy so much. I know that state of mind and again, most of us know this and made the 'mistakes' that come with it.

But the old saying is still always true: you only learn from mistakes. so take a deep breath and learn from this and be a bit more aware the next time, don't sleep with the person on the first date because that creates a special bond for a lot of people.

don't be so invested even when the other part is texting you constantly. Keep it to a natural limit which presents your style and not letting yourself be overwhelmed or pressured into somebody elses communication style.

LegacyUser

He's a dick... I can't see why ppl keep giving u advice on how you need to change xyz behaviour when as far as I see you did everything right...you put yourself out there, you didn't play games re:sex (shouldn't sleep on the first date cos then he won't like you??? REALLY,at our age? )..you had a history there so when he told you he was interested it's only natural to get your hopes up a bit more than usual, he did a lot of the contacting which to me is a sign he's keen...and then the minute you felt something was off , instead of being strung along too afraid to seem 'desperate" by asking him about it, you called him on it and got the answer ....

In my eyes you played it well and just unfortunately, the guy was an ass- he knew you were keen, gave all the signs of being interested and chased you, then changed his mind. It sucks but it happens and will happen again until it doesnt- that's just life. Try not to let it seem like a 'lesson' or a sign or anyrhing more than you tried, it didn't work this time, but not for any real reason like you weren't good enough or were too invested or anything else..it just happens, try again until it works

leggo

Sounds like a textbook avoidant. Look into 'attachment styles' sometime, it might ring a few bells for you and make you feel better about the situation.

ginandtonicsky

Ah that sucks OP, sorry to read that. I know you must be feeling quite low right now.

Listen, well done for putting yourself out there, honestly. Dating is all about being open and being vulnerable and making mistakes so you can spot the warning signs and know exactly what it is you need from a relationship. It's not easy sometimes, but ultimately it makes you stronger and more self-aware to go through these experiences. And compassionate too - I've been ghosted and as a result I'll always be honest and upfront with the fellas I meet. I bet you will too from now on.

Hindsight can really be everything in these scenarios too. This fella sounds all over the place and I think in a few weeks you'll look back and realise it really was never going to work out, he was unhappy and emotionally unavailable and he probably hasn't had a serious relationship to this point for a reason. I look at some of the guys who gave me the off in the past and that I took so personally at the time, and it becomes clear that their pattern of behaviour has never changed. And in fact I never stood a chance in the first place.

Plenty more fish in the sea. Chin up x

lainey_d_123

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

we slept together on the first date, not on the few dates after that and then again on Easter Sunday. I know that's fast and not advisable (and not my style at all - literally hadn't had sex since my ex more than a year ago before this guy) but i didn't think it would be a problem, we're both in our mid 30s and seemed to be so on the same page.

I texted him this morning and he's been in touch in dribs and drabs, quick to tell me he;ll be away for the weekend, the cadence is totally off. i've toyed between the idea of asking him if he's keen to meet up again but more likely i'll just stop texting him, not about to chasing someone who's not demonstrating any interest anymore.

i just feel played for a fool tbh. i got totally reeled in with him chasing me all this time, he was first to text in the morning, sending constant pictures throughout the day and then last tning at night. if i was talking to a friend i'd prob be telling her that's a red flag, but i just genuinely thought he liked me. retrospectively i don't know how i could've thought otherwise, and now this.

But it's also how guys act when they're genuinely into you, so how can you know the difference? I've had this same issue a handful of times and it's headwrecking. Don't have much advice as I haven't figured it out myself yet, but just want to say don't blame yourself for this guy messing you around.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't see that either of you particularly did anything wrong. Not every relationship is going to work out. You tried previously and it didn't work out because you started seeing someone else who you effectively preferred to this lad. This time round you tried again. And again it didn't work out. People tend to take a bit of time before jumping straight to ending a relationship. Especially if it started as a friendship. Maybe he was going to try give it a chance. Maybe he hoped it would work out. When you asked him directly he decided to be honest with you.

I really don't see what he did wrong. You had sex consentually early on. He didn't use you or lead you on. He just started a relationship with you but discovered that despite trying, despite liking you, despite wanting it to work, he just wasn't feeling it.

That's fine. He doesn't owe you a relationship just because you started seeing each other and had sex. I don't see how he is at fault here. Or you. As others mentioned you gave it a go, it didn't work out, you move on. That is how every single relationship you get into will go until the day you find a relationship that goes the distance and you end up married, or lifelong partners.

Edit:

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

He's not wrong that he's all over the place, for as long as we've been in touch he's been talking about looking at houses in Ireland, looking at places where we live, going travelling instead, etc. i don't think he has any substantial relationship history either.

But I guess from where I stand if you like someone enough none of that matters. You'd make those plans together if you liked them enough. So a bit disappointed and sad right now if i'm honest.

In the first month of seeing someone you think he should be making plans with you on buying a house/going travelling?! No.

I think you got a little bit too invested in this too early. Maybe because you knew him previously you thought there was more to this relationship than there actually was.

waffleman

For some people how a relationship starts can be all important. Nothing wrong with a 1 night stand but if you're looking for something long term it can matter if you have sex on the first date. The other person can wonder "how often does it happen?"

Is it fair? I dunno
Is it the case here? I dunno

But it's a deal breaker for some people and can lead to a situation like this. Not sure what age has to do with it like some posters have stated. I would have thought with age this is something people would become aware of.

lainey_d_123

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't see that either of you particularly did anything wrong. Not every relationship is going to work out. You tried previously and it didn't work out because you started seeing someone else who you effectively preferred to this lad. This time round you tried again. And again it didn't work out. People tend to take a bit of time before jumping straight to ending a relationship. Especially if it started as a friendship. Maybe he was going to try give it a chance. Maybe he hoped it would work out. When you asked him directly he decided to be honest with you.

I really don't see what he did wrong. You had sex consentually early on. He didn't use you or lead you on. He just started a relationship with you but discovered that despite trying, despite liking you, despite wanting it to work, he just wasn't feeling it.

That's fine. He doesn't owe you a relationship just because you started seeing each other and had sex. I don't see how he is at fault here. Or you. As others mentioned you gave it a go, it didn't work out, you move on. That is how every single relationship you get into will go until the day you find a relationship that goes the distance and you end up married, or lifelong partners.

Edit:


In the first month of seeing someone you think he should be making plans with you on buying a house/going travelling?! No.

I think you got a little bit too invested in this too early. Maybe because you knew him previously you thought there was more to this relationship than there actually was.

Ghosting is pretty crappy behaviour, though. He could have initially told her what he told her when she asked, not just stopped texting her. I think that's what hurt. Look how many people tried to tell her she was overreacting and that it was probably grand. They were wrong. This is the thing about ghosting - it messes with your head and you question everything. It's cruel and it affects future relationships, because then if someone goes quiet, you wonder if it's happening again.

Big Bag of Chips

lainey_d_123, there is no need to repost a rather lengthy post. It clutters up the page for users of the touch site. Also remember to please direct replies to the OP. It's her thread, it's her you should be addressing.

Sorry about that

Hi OP, I would've felt exactly the same way as you described, even in your first post, and then doubted my instincts upon reading the very sensible replies.

No great advice to offer, just to acknowledge that this can feel really embarrassing, especially when you're a bit older, you feel silly for being drawn in to a dead end, while wondering if he could be "the one".You handled it so well though, you should be proud of yourself, and although it's a cliche, you're obviously better off without this head-wrecker.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback. It's interesting to read all the interpretations.

Ultimately I'm glad I got a clear-cut answer and can mve on. i'm aware of the fact that I'm hurt and disappointed right now, and don't want to have a knee-jerk reaction of "he was wrong and messed me around". People can't help how they feel.

It's just the way this happened feels a bit unjust. Getting back in touch after years and the chase chase chase and all the future talk from literally our first date, maybe you can come to X wedding with me, let's go on holidays to Spain, calling me every second night, sharing every part of his day with me, all that stuff and then the sudden cut-off after Sunday that is hard to understand. We had such a lovely day too, it felt special and intimate and then overnight everything changed.

I know "this is just dating", lord do I know that - this isn't my first rodeo and it's why I took a break from dating apps. My last two dating scenarios ended with the disappearing / fading act as well. for some context for those that need it - i'm quite attractive, have my sh1t together, good career and life and all of that. I'm not chasing extraordinary men here, i;m not chasing at all in fact, just going along with things. So it hurts all the more when it's someone you know, who you have all these mutual friends with, similar work background, life background, he's back on the radar saying all the right things, chasing me and convincing me it had potential, I get my hopes up...and suddenly the pendulum swings from one side to the other and I'm left there wondering what the hell went wrong.

It just builds these trust issues when it comes to meeting guys in the future because I thought I saw a guy who really liked me and I took a chance and went with it and suddenly this.

Anyway. I'll be grand in like a week. Just need to do some processing. Hit the gym and work it out and get back on the saddle. At least I get laid I guess :-)

Franz Von Peppercorn

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Ghosting is pretty crappy behaviour, though. He could have initially told her what he told her when she asked, not just stopped texting her. I think that's what hurt. Look how many people tried to tell her she was overreacting and that it was probably grand. They were wrong. This is the thing about ghosting - it messes with your head and you question everything. It's cruel and it affects future relationships, because then if someone goes quiet, you wonder if it's happening again.

I don’t think he ghosted her. He definitely lost interest or wasnt as interested as the op but answered a few calls and texts.

To me, op, you seem to have expected a bit much from one or two dates. It looks like you were planning a future, reading between the lines, and seemed to be be quizzing him on future plans with regards to where he was going to settle. If he has pullled back it might be because, to him, that was going too fast.

Big Bag of Chips

But, OP, a fella can fancy you. Chase you, want to be with you, and then realise that it's just not really clicking as it should. You can never know what's going on in someone's head. "Breaking it off" with someone can be a long process. At first the doubts creep in. Then the person tries to give it a fair chance. Continues to go out, continues to make plans and hoping that its just a blip. Then it grows to a point where they realise its not really going to work out for them and they make the decision to end it. Then often times people will want to wait for the right time. Do it face to face, rather than through text or phone call.

He had been in contact with you. But wasn't in as much contact. If he had maintained the same level of contact and then came home and ended it, or worse let it go on for another month or so with him knowing how he felt and you not having a clue it would be worse.

A break up will usually come out of the blue for one person, whereas the other person has been having doubts for a while, but still trying to make it work.

Being attractive, and having your life together and good job etc doesn't automatically mean that every relationship is going to go the distance. It also doesn't mean there's anything fundamentally wrong with you, or them. It just means this one didn't work out. He tried, you tried. In the end it wasn't enough.

Yes contact dropped off when he was away, but that was down to circumstances and him probably deciding he was going to end it. I think in the circumstances, you both handled it as best possible.

skallywag

Franz Von Peppercorn wrote: »

I don’t think he ghosted her.

Agreed.

To me ghosting is someone dropping off the face of the earth. He did not do this at all though, he still responded, albeit at a less enthusiastic rate. It's a natural thing to happen as interest begins to wane.

lainey_d_123

definitelynotarobot wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback. It's interesting to read all the interpretations.

Ultimately I'm glad I got a clear-cut answer and can mve on. i'm aware of the fact that I'm hurt and disappointed right now, and don't want to have a knee-jerk reaction of "he was wrong and messed me around". People can't help how they feel.

It's just the way this happened feels a bit unjust. Getting back in touch after years and the chase chase chase and all the future talk from literally our first date, maybe you can come to X wedding with me, let's go on holidays to Spain, calling me every second night, sharing every part of his day with me, all that stuff and then the sudden cut-off after Sunday that is hard to understand. We had such a lovely day too, it felt special and intimate and then overnight everything changed.

I think you're right here. It sounds like love bombing. Going on a few dates and realising there's no future there is normal, but this kind of carry on is really cruel. I've encountered it myself and have a few friends who have fallen victim to it. I think some people get some kind of ego boost from reeling people in and then dumping them. It tends to be a pattern with people with narcissistic tendencies. Going in on full blast and making all these promises and then bam, it's all over within a month. Who knows why they do it, but it likely has nothing to do with you.

I know "this is just dating", lord do I know that - this isn't my first rodeo and it's why I took a break from dating apps. My last two dating scenarios ended with the disappearing / fading act as well. for some context for those that need it - i'm quite attractive, have my sh1t together, good career and life and all of that. I'm not chasing extraordinary men here, i;m not chasing at all in fact, just going along with things. So it hurts all the more when it's someone you know, who you have all these mutual friends with, similar work background, life background, he's back on the radar saying all the right things, chasing me and convincing me it had potential, I get my hopes up...and suddenly the pendulum swings from one side to the other and I'm left there wondering what the hell went wrong.

I honestly don't see how you could have done anything different. Maybe you got a bit too invested too soon, but then, what's the alternative? Never getting excited about new relationships and being jaded and cynical? That creates its own problems.

It just builds these trust issues when it comes to meeting guys in the future because I thought I saw a guy who really liked me and I took a chance and went with it and suddenly this.

Anyway. I'll be grand in like a week. Just need to do some processing. Hit the gym and work it out and get back on the saddle. At least I get laid I guess :-)

Absolutely. Ghosting and love bombing take a huge toll, because there is so little you can actually do about it, so you're paranoid it will happen again. Next time a guy is super into you, you wonder if it's real or if he's another love bomber just trying to massage his ego. Maybe just take it a bit slow at the beginning. It's not 100% guarantee, but a lot of these people get bored if they don't get what they want very quickly and will move on to someone else.

Don't waste your time overanalysing it or blaming yourself, because it seems like it really had nothing to do with you. It's him, and he even said as much himself. Hope you get to meet someone genuine next time!

leggo

leggo wrote: »

Sounds like a textbook avoidant. Look into 'attachment styles' sometime, it might ring a few bells for you and make you feel better about the situation.

OP seriously, look this up. Everything you've added plays into it: being all about the relationship one day, wanting to make plans for the future, then pushing away just as things seem to hit an intimate peak. You say this keeps on happening so you've got your guard up...well you're probably subconsciously attracted to these types and attract them as such, it's a whole thing.

Only by being aware of it and re-learning what healthy is can you look out for it and be one step ahead and you can find out loads for free on Google. It's a game-changer and will help you process this as well as giving you back some feeling of power in your own lovelife.

wiggle16

Neither of you did anything wrong.

You got together and it was nice, it felt right to you and there was an intensity from which you thought he felt the same way as you. And he probably did. It certainly sounds like he did.

Then contact changed for a couple of days and you got that gut feeling that something fundamental had changed. Unfortunately you were right. That's no one's fault. That's part and parcel of dating - he probably realised he just wasn't that into it, for whatever reason. It's not a reflection on you. And I don't think it's a reflection on him either. It's just how these things happen.

He could have contacted you himself to say this rather than having you ask, and really he should have met up with you in my opinion, text isn't great for these things, but if he's away still then perhaps he was planning to do that when he got back.

I think people often forget that it's hard for the person who is ending things too - you know that you're going to hurt someone's feelings and it's impossible to "get it right". The result is people put it off until the very last. That isn't fair but it's understandable, it's human nature.

Im sorry this happened OP and it is disappointing. I've been dumped plenty of times and it's not nice. But I don't think either of you did anything wrong.

Mind yourself and don't try to over analyse it. Good luck OP x

Cali1978

I think Laine_d post above is excellent. I think women who have been through what the op has written get where’s she’s coming from. It’s vwry hard to go into another first date and not think maybe this will be someone special who will go the distance. Never mind someone who seems as keen as this guy was. It’s not fair to tell the op she invested too quickly, I think.

ginandtonicsky

It’s interesting that the initial and most thanked posts to the OP’s original post turned out to be so wrong. She was right that he was giving her the swerve and doing a complete 180 on the “I really like you” behaviour up to that point. The lesson there being trust your instincts, you’re the expert on the situation & if something feels off, 99.999% of the time it is.

Of course he didn’t owe her a relationship, he was single and allowed to change his mind blah blah but come on folks, we should hold ourselves to a higher standard than these technicalities when it comes to matters of the heart. If you hardcore chase someone you’ve got history with and treat them essentially as you would a girlfriend from the first date and infer all these future plans, it’s simply bad behaviour to do a complete u-turn and leave someone to work it out for themselves, particularly after an intimate date. That’s bad behaviour, not “just dating”. You can “give something a go” without these wild gestures and going balls to the wall and lovebombing them in these early days. I fail to believe someone goes from “totally fancy the crap out of this person and will do what it takes to woo them” to “nope” overnight, which is essentially what his behaviour conveyed. And if he did then he’s a bit unstable to say the least.

milli milli

leggo wrote: »

OP seriously, look this up. Everything you've added plays into it: being all about the relationship one day, wanting to make plans for the future, then pushing away just as things seem to hit an intimate peak. You say this keeps on happening so you've got your guard up...well you're probably subconsciously attracted to these types and attract them as such, it's a whole thing.

Only by being aware of it and re-learning what healthy is can you look out for it and be one step ahead and you can find out loads for free on Google. It's a game-changer and will help you process this as well as giving you back some feeling of power in your own lovelife.

Yes definitely look up avoidant attachment style OP. There’s plenty of those about in the dating world. If you know fairly attractive guys of a certain age who’ve never had proper relationships, there’s a good chance they’re avoidant types. And usually they pair up with people who have an anxious attachment style, which spells disaster for everyone involved.

It’s a good thing to be aware of for dating. I chose avoidants my entire dating life which led to lots of pain and misery. But now I’m aware of this type, I avoid like the plague now.

In your case, it was a bit of a horrible situation. Like ginandtonicsky said, this guy was an old friend and he turned on the charm, so you probably gave him the benefit of the doubt more than a stranger. By the sounds of it, this guy will probably never have a relationship (until he eventually sorts himself out), so don’t take it to heart. Yes he may just be not into you, but he also sounds like an avoidant, who essentially avoids any kind of intimacy.

cusser

milli milli wrote: »

In your case, it was a bit of a horrible situation. Like ginandtonicsky said, this guy was an old friend and he turned on the charm, so you probably gave him the benefit of the doubt more than a stranger. By the sounds of it, this guy will probably never have a relationship (until he eventually sorts himself out), so don’t take it to heart. Yes he may just be not into you, but he also sounds like an avoidant, who essentially avoids any kind of intimacy.

There is something to be said for this.
Unfortunately it is a difficult attachment style to shed. One cannot re-invent oneself overnight.:(

I am going through something similar, and appreciate the replies that empathise with the devastating effect it can have, such as
-thinking youv'e been played.
-thinking there is something wrong with you.
-doubting your judgment, and actually wondering if you were insane to have perceived the relationship was intimate and amazing; questioning your whole ability to perceive things accurately, in spite of being intelligent, well educated, experienced and streetwise.
-wondering if you have been 'gas-lighted'
...etc...
It really can do a number on one's head, self esteem, self-worth and it takes courage and strength to move forward, in my opinion.

Best of luck OP.
Hope something amazing crops up to make you feel you dodged a bullet.

milli milli

cusser wrote: »

There is something to be said for this.
Unfortunately it is a difficult attachment style to shed. One cannot re-invent oneself overnight.:(.

Oh absolutely it is difficult to shed. It is bred from childhood. So I wholeheartedly agree. That’s why I said (if the guy is an avoidant) he would need to work on himself to have a relationship.

Anyway OP, go easy on yourself. Dating is so tricky. It’s really hard to know when to let your guard down and when to start feeling excited about something. When you’ve been burned many times, it would almost be easier if you could sign a contract with the other party at the start of things!


Best of luck going forward

tara73

we actually don't know if he's the avoidant type, there could be many other possibilities.

For example he could be in the process of a seperation and didn't tell the OP. I had one of this nasty experiences. Very intense guy, telling me how much he liked me(love me) after a few weeks and all that. Then he was going quiet and that were the times when he tried to reconcile with his girlfriend.

Could be it's that. Or something else. We don't know.

But one thing is important OP, there are chances he will try to wiggle into your life again when it suits him. Be prepared for that, you can read up this behaviour many times in threads here. And be strong then and don't let him into your life again.

leggo

That’s true. But the OP has also said that this keeps happening, to the point she’s now fine-tuned to spot the micro cues within a day or two of him going cold. That’d suggest it’s a recurring trend, which would suggest that it’s a type the OP is going for, which means she can actually do something productive in looking into this more and trying to avoid this type in future.

I’d definitely agree that there’s a good chance of him coming back and being wary if/when it does happen.

LegacyUser

Just to add my 2c:

It's very important that we take responsibility for our own behaviours and actions. This guy might have come on really strong, but you matched him love bomb for love bomb.

It's very easy to allow ourselves to get swept up in the moment and get carried away when we like someone or are lonely etc. But it's very important that we set boundaries and know what we are or aren't comfortable with, and being strong enough in ourselves to say to the other person: that's too much and I'm not comfortable at that speed etc.

I've been where you are and for a long time I was quite angry with the guy until it dawned on me that I had met him halfway. I jumped in with both feet, I meet him excessive text for excessive text, pet name for pet name - all of it! I was more than a willing participant. That's when I realised I had to shoulder some of the blame for how he treated me. He was getting as good as he was giving.

You don't have to be aloof with any new love interests, but go at a pace you're happy with.

Franz Von Peppercorn

People have run with the ball a bit here. He didnt ghost anybody but decided he wasn’t as interested after the weekend.

Ghosting is a totally digital/mobile era term anyway, for the rest of human history people didn’t expect to live in each other pockets every hour of every day.

And remember the op said

I'm single about a year and a half and recently an old work colleague got in touch over facebook. He'd been in touch similarly before I met my ex and he asked me out but it sort of fizzled as things became official with the ex.

One persons sorta fizzling is another person’s ghosting.

wiggle16

As the last few posts have been general discussion and the OP seems to have reached a conclusion, I am going to close this thread.

OP if you would like the thread reopened please let me know.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Thread Locked