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Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

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13

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    #62
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Deleted User wrote: »
    if someone in a relationship wants something much more than the other person they should be willing to accept theyll be putting in more work

    they may just consider themselves lucky the other person is willing to pay half of it

    Well if they've both agreed to get married and have decided on the usual cookie cutter Irish wedding (which I'm not a fan of myself), then they should both be involved in planning the basics. That would include choosing venues for the ceremony, reception, menu, band, dj, photographer, invites etc.

    Of course if only one person wants to go above and beyond that (candy carts and all that other nonsense) then the burden should fall to them to organise those aspects.

    But the basic stuff? It's completely unfair to leave all that planning to one person. Unless the other person made it clear from the start that they literally just wanted a civil ceremony for 30mins, but that doesn't sound like the case here.


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    #63
    Sleeper12
    Registered Users Posts: 16,878 ✭✭✭✭Sleeper12


    meeeeh wrote:
    Oh good god the amount of waffle in this thread about what women like is quite annoying. I preferred picking the kitchen for our house than organising a wedding. I enjoyed myself at the wedding but that doesn't mean enjoyed the hassle of organising it. The idea that women like this stuff is great because then you don't need to do anything


    Married almost 30 years now. Weddings were simpler than but still over the top. I think most men could do without the "wedding day" altogether. I'd have been very happy for a small service with immediate family, a meal in a restaurant and a few drinks afterwards. I'd have preferred to keep the thousands spent on the day & put it into the house.

    I don't think that most men are too lazy to get involved. I think most men see it as a complete waste of money at a time when you are just starting out in life. In most cases, I believe, its her day. It's what she wants & so it's left for her to arrange.

    I think weddings are such a waste of money & to make me get involved with the planning would be like having to go get the strap as a kid so your dad can hit you with. The only positive thing I can say almost 30 years on is that we have professional photos of people who are now dead. I have taken comfort in these photos but the rest of the day is a waste of money imo.


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    #64
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Mod note: This is a good discussion, and I’m happy to leave it run but please let’s keep it on topic and relevant to the OP. Sexism, what we did in the 90s, how much you hate weddings etc - please leave it all out. This thread is about organizing a wedding in the next couple of years so let’s assume that the OP would like replies relevant to that, and it’s generally against the charter to use this forum to bitch about how much you hate weddings/how formulaic they are etc. We will delete posts that are not relevant to the OP going forward.


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    #65
    jim o doom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,474 ✭✭✭jim o doom


    My wife did everything, and I agreed with anything she wanted. We had a great day and everything was they way she wanted it to be.

    Married happily ten years now and wedding day was one of the happiest of my life!


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    #66
    badge1123
    Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭badge1123


    helen87 wrote: »
    So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
    i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
    Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

    Anytime i tried to suggest anything to my fiancee about the wedding, it was greeted with don't be stupid or just a plain no. So I learned, just like your hubby i presume and many many others out there, just nod and agree.


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    #67
    Sleeper12
    Registered Users Posts: 16,878 ✭✭✭✭Sleeper12


    facehugger99 wrote:
    No, but we can pretend to be if it makes things easier.


    Nah. Start your marriage as you intend to go on. Honesty is the best policy.

    OP I think you can see from all the posts that for the most part men do actually want to be married. Marriage is the is the important thing. Men not being interested in the wedding itself seems common & is nothing to worry about. The wedding is only one day and marriage, hopefully, will be for life


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    #68
    theteal
    Registered Users Posts: 7,593 ✭✭✭theteal


    OP hasn't been back since the OP.
    Do any of the opinions shared here have an affect your mindset, OP?

    I wouldn't be upset at this stage just let him know what needs to be planned and encourage him to get involved - he most likely hasn't a clue


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    #69
    zedhead
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Organising my wedding was the biggest pain in the hole and we had a tiny do and both had equal involvement. I can only imagine how much work and time goes into a traditional wedding with all the trimmings. Delighted to be married to him though.


    This!! We're doing the small registry office and then dinner with family followed by a party with others that night and it is still a nightmare to organise. We both want to be married, we both want our families with us and we both want to celebrate in some way with our friends (though eloping was considered).
    Sleeper12 wrote: »
    Married almost 30 years now. Weddings were simpler than but still over the top. I think most men could do without the "wedding day" altogether. I'd have been very happy for a small service with immediate family, a meal in a restaurant and a few drinks afterwards. I'd have preferred to keep the thousands spent on the day & put it into the house.

    I don't think that most men are too lazy to get involved. I think most men see it as a complete waste of money at a time when you are just starting out in life. In most cases, I believe, its her day. It's what she wants & so it's left for her to arrange.

    I think weddings are such a waste of money & to make me get involved with the planning would be like having to go get the strap as a kid so your dad can hit you with. The only positive thing I can say almost 30 years on is that we have professional photos of people who are now dead. I have taken comfort in these photos but the rest of the day is a waste of money imo.

    If my fiance had no interest in the wedding day then I hope he would tell me and we could see if the plan we have is really what we both want. I would HATE to think that in 30 years time he thought of the wedding as that. I would absolutely rather never get married or just elope than force him into something that he felt so badly about.

    I understand that for some women all the excess and finer details are more important than their finace's opinion , but it shouldn't be an assumption and it is changing so much now. There are so many more people opting for the smaller do, or eloping, and some men who are genuinely interested in the wedding planning too!


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    #70
    mobileforest
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭mobileforest


    What does 'look into it soon' mean? Do you have a definite date picked and are upset because your husband isn't taking ownership for some of the planning tasks or are you upset because he makes vague promises about 'getting married' but keeps putting it off? If its the latter, maybe consider moving on as he might not be serious about marriage. If the former, this sounds pretty typical. Usually, one partner has some serious interest in the wedding day while the other would be happy to just sign a piece of paper and are instead interested in being married. Some like the event, others like the institution.

    In my wedding, my wife-to-be was more interested in the details of the event (but compared to many brides Ive met was pretty relaxed about it) but due to work commitments had to leave some of the planning to me. I don't think this is the norm since even when I would arrange to meet with certain vendors like florists, they'd address both all eye contact and questions to the bride (they were probably used to the groom being little more than moral support at these meetings).

    Sometimes grooms feel quite powerless when it comes to weddings and consider the planning phase like walking in a minefield, never knowing which step will blow up in your face. You may say you want him to pick out colours or arrange the band but he probably believes (and in many cases with good reason) that his selection comes with consequences. Two colours may be the same to him but he knows picking the wrong one could be a real sore point for you. My advice would be to give him well-defined tasks (band, car, etc) that you don't care what is booked (ie you won't have a hysterical fit because its the 'wrong' one) and avoid the urge to micromanage his selections (in other words, those are his and his alone). Then focus on the rest. As for input, etc, ask your mother and girlfriends. Honestly, most men don't give a hoot about this stuff. For my wedding ideas, the photographer suggested setting up a Pinterest acct (back when that was a new thing). Once again due to wife's work at the time, I was the one who set it up. Yrs later and I still get the odd email update from a 'bride-to-be' sharing my pins (haven't gone to the site since the wedding), but have yet seen a single bloke share them.


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    #71
    Somedaythefire
    Registered Users Posts: 758 ✭✭✭Somedaythefire


    Sleeper12 wrote: »
    Nah. Start your marriage as you intend to go on. Honesty is the best policy.

    OP I think you can see from all the posts that for the most part men do actually want to be married. Marriage is the is the important thing. Men not being interested in the wedding itself seems common & is nothing to worry about. The wedding is only one day and marriage, hopefully, will be for life
    Yeah, this goes along with me. I'm engaged, and want to be married, but the finer details I don't really care about as long as they're nice. The only thing I'm pushy about is not putting others out, no wedding abroad or stuff like that.


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    #72
    Sleeper12
    Registered Users Posts: 16,878 ✭✭✭✭Sleeper12


    zedhead wrote:
    If my fiance had no interest in the wedding day then I hope he would tell me and we could see if the plan we have is really what we both want. I would HATE to think that in 30 years time he thought of the wedding as that. I would absolutely rather never get married or just elope than force him into something that he felt so badly about.


    If every man that had no interest in the wedding told their bride there would be couples splitting up left, right & center or at the very least all out rows. I went along with it for the same reason most grooms go along with it, because I loved her and wanted her to have the day she wanted. Marriage is the important thing to me not the wedding. It still is almost 30 years on. In pretty sure if you started a thread with a poll most male responders would be happy to be married in a cardboard box. For the most part we could care less about the wedding. I'd venture to say that most men would want a smaller day costing a 10th of what it actually costs. Most men I talk to, talk about how those thousands of pounds or euros could have been better spent on the house.

    The only wedding I've ever been at, that the groom was as involved in the planning as the bride was a gay wedding.

    A poll would make an interesting thread. I think a lot of brides would be shocked at the results


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    #73
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Somedaythefire wrote: »
    Yeah, this goes along with me. I'm engaged, and want to be married, but the finer details I don't really care about as long as they're nice. The only thing I'm pushy about is not putting others out, no wedding abroad or stuff like that.

    I'm not having a go at you but 'as long as it's nice' means you do care. Most people have certain expectations around wedding and you need to voice them. I suspect most people care about who is invited, where people are seated, what the menu is, do they like the band and so on. Candy cart keeps being mentioned but organising wedding is so much more than just candy carts. It's to make sure family members and those you care about are taken care of. I don't really care should be worded as I don't really want to do the work but I expect it to be done up to certain standard.


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    #74
    jam_mac_jam
    Registered Users Posts: 4,704 ✭✭✭jam_mac_jam


    I think the way to get around it is to assign him some tasks and dates. If you don’t want to be stuck with all the work you need to split this. So one of you go and check out photographers and the other looks at the meals or whatever and then the two of you decide what you want. He likely doesn’t care but the work still needs to be done.

    I don’t really care about mine and want it as small as possible. I am having a wedding of 12 people to try and keep the fuss down. It really depends on the woman/ man and in general yes most women are concerned about these things.

    There is a difference between being not really too concerned about the detail and letting you do all the work. If you don’t want to get stuck with all the work and resenting this then you need to organize who is going to do what now.


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    #75
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    We are at the business end of organising our wedding (11weeks to go :)). At the start my H2b was involved in picking the date, Hotel etc and he planned the honeymoon. Since then, while we discussed things, he hasn’t really been involved in the organising. His thinking was “it’s months away, we don’t need to be thinking about it now”. However, in the last two weeks he has been very involved, confirming bookings with supplies, choosing ceremony songs/poems etc.

    From talking to friends it seems a lot of their husbands where the same.


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    #76
    helen87
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭helen87


    thanks for all the replies it has been very helpful.
    I now realise from all your comments that while i know he wants no get married, he is just like a lot of the people have commented not bothered with the details.
    If he could just turn up on the day he would.
    He is not very good at organising anything in general anyway. I always plan everything, holidays , money stuff so this will just fall in line with that!
    I think i will just have to give him a few things to do and deadlines for them.
    I don't have a problem doing the majority of the planning TBH we want to keep it as simple as possible (if thats possible!!) we have been together 11 years but just want to make it official now without blowing a budget. Honeymoon is far more important to us than the wedding itself!


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    #77
    seasidedub
    Registered Users Posts: 234 ✭✭seasidedub


    helen87 wrote: »
    thanks for all the replies it has been very helpful.
    I now realise from all your comments that while i know he wants no get married, he is just like a lot of the people have commented not bothered with the details.
    If he could just turn up on the day he would.
    He is not very good at organising anything in general anyway. I always plan everything, holidays , money stuff so this will just fall in line with that!
    I think i will just have to give him a few things to do and deadlines for them.
    I don't have a problem doing the majority of the planning TBH we want to keep it as simple as possible (if thats possible!!) we have been together 11 years but just want to make it official now without blowing a budget. Honeymoon is far more important to us than the wedding itself!


    Lots of good luck and best wishes. I hope you get the day you want and a great honeymoon.


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    #78
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    My brother had very little interest in his wedding preparations. He's been happily married for over two decades.



    My own partner literally could not care less what kind of wedding day I plan, bar one or two small elements, but he definitely wants to marry me. He just hates crowds and family get-togethers and even more so when he's a focal part of that. It's the marriage part that is meaningful to him, not the wedding. He's having a wedding because I'd like one, he would happily do a registry office on his lunch break because he feels like we are married anyway.



    Some guys are just laid back and genuinely don't care what colours/themes they have on the day but are no less committed to the idea of marriage.


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    #79
    limnam
    Registered Users Posts: 9,152 ✭✭✭limnam


    ....... wrote: »
    I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

    If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.


    Some lads are very good at feigning interest to keep the peace.


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    #80
    Scarinae
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    I think I'm in the minority here as my fiancé has been very involved in our wedding planning. He's the one who originally found our venue, although we visited it together and agreed upon it. There are a few bits I'm not pushed on, like the cars and the wedding favours, so he's taking the lead on those, while I found the photographer and videographer and will be taking the lead on the flowers. There are a few things I would happily drop, like the first dance, but it is important to him so we'll probably keep it in.


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    #81
    Tazium
    Registered Users Posts: 899 ✭✭✭Tazium


    hullaballoo wrote: »
    I just got married on Friday and for the 9 months from the engagement until the week before last, I had very little input. As people have said, it's not a cop out, just that there's not much input required from the groom.

    I also work to deadlines so it wasn't a priority until work finished. I did a lot in the last few days to get the final bits and pieces together as Mrs hullaballoo was working until the Wednesday before but that was the least I could do at that stage.


    Congrats! :)

    I'll be married end of August. I've been involved throughout with organisation and wouldn't have it any other way. There's a bunch of stuff I care less about, hen nights, dresses, makeup, flowers and that kind of thing. But I've been picking readings, booking extra rooms, music, registrar, photographer, invitation design and such. That said, everything is well communicated and agreed which is more to do with our relationship than the event itself.

    Everyone is different, but you shouldn't have to do it alone.


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    #82
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    ....... wrote: »
    I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

    If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.
    Imagine your partner is like, really into cars. Since they were four years old, they've looked at cars going down the road, looked at car magazines, talked to their mates about cars, dreamed about the car that they will own someday.

    You've always known that you will get a car one day, but that's about the extent of it. You've not paid any attention to cars really.

    So when it comes to buying your first car together, you just want a car. Your preference might extend to something in red, with a manual gearbox and five doors. But for the most part you just want something that takes you from point A to point B.

    But your partner has lots of opinions. Everything from the type of trim inside, to the make & model of radio, size of the wheels, level of tint on the windows. There is not a single aspect of the vehicle which they don't have an opinion on.
    So when you're talking about the car you're going to buy, your partner is asking your opinion on these million different details.

    And it's not that you don't want a car, just that you have absolutely no opinion on any of these tiny details. But you are aware that your partner feels really strongly about it and is really excited about it, so you're happy to let them go off and do it with minimal input from you. Because for the most part you'd just feel like you were getting in the way.

    20% tint or 30% tint on the windows? Don't know, don't mind, whatever you want love.

    This is wedding planning for the majority of couples.


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    #83
    ongarboy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    I find it incredible that men don't mind spending 10s of thousands on something they are indifferent to or don't care about. I never hear them giving about the cost in that context.

    OP - to answer your question, as other may have said, it's no reflection on the validity of your relationship nor would it suggest that he would be unhelpful in general about other things (you know him 11 plus years so you know him well). You always hear women saying that when they were girls they had dreams of big white weddings. Have you ever heard men saying this? Weddings and all the finer details are not something that concerns him, hence his lack of active engagement in the planning of the wedding.

    PS - I have to laugh at the women here who said they wouldn't marry the man they (allegedly) love if he wasn't as equally as obsessed as them in the chocolate fountains, the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and the seating arrangements for the cousins up from Skibbereen....ie the finer details of typical Irish weddings...etc. Are they seriously saying they'd call off their engagements if their other halves weren't as equally passionate about the weddings as them? That is sheer madness and a lucky escape for those grooms to be in that case!


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    #84
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    meeeeh wrote: »
    My husband wanted to get married more than I did. I did more work. I don't think someone who views relationships like you do should get married or hace family.

    frankly- thats a ****ty statement to make and shame on you.

    OP, i hope youre taking the positive message here in that yr fella may really not be into the wedding and there's no correlation between that and how he feels about you and the relationship.


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    #85
    Scarinae
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    Wabbit Ears wrote: »
    We haven't obsessed about the finer details like ye have since you were 6 or so.
    seamus wrote: »
    I think the stereotype is true, and mainly because one's wedding day is hyped up from when you're a child, imagining all of the things you'll do and wear and say ... for women.
    pocketse wrote: »
    Women do tend to go a bit mad at the wedding thing to be honest. Sweeping generalisation but they've been planning this in their head since they were little.
    seamus wrote: »
    Imagine your partner is like, really into cars. Since they were four years old, they've looked at cars going down the road, looked at car magazines, talked to their mates about cars, dreamed about the car that they will own someday.
    ongarboy wrote: »
    You always hear women saying that when they were girls they had dreams of big white weddings.
    What is with this stereotype of women planning their weddings in their heads from when they were small children? I don't know anybody like this.


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    #86
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Scarinae wrote: »
    What is with this stereotype of women planning their weddings in their heads from when they were small children? I don't know anybody like this.
    I can only go from what I've seen, but a majority of women I know have thought about what kind of wedding they would have (big/small/church/registry), what their wedding dress would look like, who their bridesmaids would be, and little details like colour schemes, since at least early adolescence.

    And maybe that's because one friend is really into it, so the rest just go along with the discussion.


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    #87
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    frankly- thats a ****ty statement to make and shame on you.

    OP, i hope youre taking the positive message here in that yr fella may really not be into the wedding and there's no correlation between that and how he feels about you and the relationship.
    You might feel it's ****ty thing to say. I might think it's ****ty to dump something on your partner because they care about it more. In belief marriage is partnership, you should only have family if both partners are prepared to contribute not keeping a score who wants something more.

    I'm married because of Irish laws and because it meant a lot to my partner. We were engaged for about 10 years and I would still happily continue to be engaged. I did more stuff for the wedding, not because it meant so much to me but because it meant something to him. He works longer hours than I do, the wedding was where I come from so it was easier. We didn't have many gimmicks, no bridal party, I did not wear a wedding dress but we had decent food and drink. And that needs to be organised too. Marriage is a partnership and wedding should be approached as such not keeping score about who wants something more and expecting special gratitude for your financial contribution.


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    #88
    Hedgelayer
    Registered Users Posts: 530 ✭✭✭Hedgelayer


    I'd be fairly worried about a guy who's a bit overbearing and enthusiastic about the wedding.

    It's all about the bride, how she looks and her lovely dress.

    It's her day out, the lads just like to drink and catch up with old time's and talking about family life.

    The groom seems pretty normal to me...


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    #89
    zedhead
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    ongarboy wrote: »

    PS - I have to laugh at the women here who said they wouldn't marry the man they (allegedly) love if he wasn't as equally as obsessed as them in the chocolate fountains, the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and the seating arrangements for the cousins up from Skibbereen....ie the finer details of typical Irish weddings...etc. Are they seriously saying they'd call off their engagements if their other halves weren't as equally passionate about the weddings as them? That is sheer madness and a lucky escape for those grooms to be in that case!

    I maybe one of the people you are referencing here but its not what I said (or what i inferred from any of the other similar comments). I personally have no interest in all of that rubbish either, but i would rather have open communication between us about what was important to each of us about the day. If I started talking about spending money on chocolate fountains, photo booths etc and my partner had no interest I would rather he say I think thats a waste of money and we could discuss whether we want it to be part of our day. Not just a blanket 'he's not interested so I as the bride will do as I please'.

    We discussed what elements we wanted to include in our wedding and what we were comfortable spending on each of those elements. If either of us suggested something the other didn't think was important then a decision was made as to whether or not we would include it - for example we were talking about flowers. I didn't feel they were worth spending much money on and would be happy to grab a few fake flowers to put together. He didn't care about the flowers and wasn't sure we even needed any flowers at all and thought it might be a waste of money - so we investigated, saw what was available and agreed it was worth the €30 odd euro to make 2 cheap bouquets of flowers for the day.

    Whatever works for each couple obviously, but for me - its not a case of if he's not as interested I wouldn't want to marry him, it would be if we couldnt communicate about it (or anything) without him dismissing me I wouldn't want to marry him.


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    #90
    zedhead
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    seamus wrote: »
    Imagine your partner is like, really into cars. Since they were four years old, they've looked at cars going down the road, looked at car magazines, talked to their mates about cars, dreamed about the car that they will own someday.

    You've always known that you will get a car one day, but that's about the extent of it. You've not paid any attention to cars really.

    So when it comes to buying your first car together, you just want a car. Your preference might extend to something in red, with a manual gearbox and five doors. But for the most part you just want something that takes you from point A to point B.

    But your partner has lots of opinions. Everything from the type of trim inside, to the make & model of radio, size of the wheels, level of tint on the windows. There is not a single aspect of the vehicle which they don't have an opinion on.
    So when you're talking about the car you're going to buy, your partner is asking your opinion on these million different details.

    And it's not that you don't want a car, just that you have absolutely no opinion on any of these tiny details. But you are aware that your partner feels really strongly about it and is really excited about it, so you're happy to let them go off and do it with minimal input from you. Because for the most part you'd just feel like you were getting in the way.

    20% tint or 30% tint on the windows? Don't know, don't mind, whatever you want love.

    This is wedding planning for the majority of couples.

    I might not care or have thought about the finer details of stuff like this but obviously there is a cost differential so I would ask them what the benefits of each were and give an opinion about whether I thought it was worth the extra cost for the extra 10% tint. I wouldn't just say - you go ahead and choose the car love its grand. I'd get involved as it is a large purchase we were making together.


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    #91
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    It would do my head in if my husband had left the planning up to me and would have set us up for a life time of me doing all the "life planning" in our marriage. Boring stuff which needs to be done like remembering birthdays and planning presents for the kids and a mother's day card and the myriad stuff which so many women end up taking on.
    We planned our wedding together. I don't buy the excuses people give about not being detail oriented or not caring once you turn up on the day but the reality is that anything but a registry office basic wedding requires planning and if he and you want more than that he needs to get the finger out. He's an adult, he needs to cop on.


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