Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

Zaph

mcginty28 wrote: »

that's mental and sounds like a control freak to me.

Before I proposed I had the ring bought, a few possible dates checked with the church and a meeting with the wedding planner booked in the hotel I knew would be my wife's first choice. We ended up changing to a different church for a number of reasons, but nothing I did was because I am a control freak, but rather because I wanted to get started with the planning as quickly as possible, and I knew my wife would too. I'm also clearly in the minority here because the planning was very much a joint effort, I think the only thing I really had zero input into was the dresses. There's a lot goes into the day, and I really didn't think it would be fair to sit back and lump everything onto my wife. That said, I do appreciate that there are some women who want to take complete control to ensure everything is exactly how they want it, but I couldn't see myself ever marrying someone like that anyway.

Addle

citygal93 wrote: »

I can somewhat agree (I definitely have more of a "vision" of the day than my partner) however I've asked him to take charge of things I know he'll have an interest in/won't mind doing. So because he does photography as part of his job, I've given him free reign on photography & videography. I've also given him the job of booking rooms in the nearby hotel as I'm just not interested in that!

Are you his wife to be or his manager?

.......

Zaph wrote: »

I'm also clearly in the minority here because the planning was very much a joint effort,

I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.

mickoneill31

....... wrote: »

I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.

To me the point of getting married is our life together, not the day that the ceremony is on.

I'm another in the couldn't care about the day group. Thankfully (for me) my missus was the same so we had a relaxed easy wedding that was easy to plan and didn't break us financially.

.......

mickoneill31 wrote: »

To me the point of getting married is our life together, not the day that the ceremony is on.

I'm another in the couldn't care about the day group. Thankfully (for me) my missus was the same so we had a relaxed easy wedding that was easy to plan and didn't break us financially.

But you can spend your life together without a wedding?

I meant whats the point in having a wedding if one person isnt interested in it?

Zaph

mickoneill31 wrote: »

To me the point of getting married is our life together, not the day that the ceremony is on.

I'm another in the couldn't care about the day group. Thankfully (for me) my missus was the same so we had a relaxed easy wedding that was easy to plan and didn't break us financially.

Regardless of how relaxed a day you want to have, there's still a certain amount of planning required. I don't see why it should all be left up to one person when it's an event celebrating a partnership.

mickoneill31

Zaph wrote: »

Regardless of how relaxed a day you want to have, there's still a certain amount of planning required. I don't see why it should all be left up to one person when it's an event celebrating a partnership.

I didn't say all the planning should be done by one person.

Sleeper12

There is a huge difference between getting married and having a wedding. I'd imagine like most blokes he is genuinely interested in getting married & being your husband. He might not be too bothered about the "perfect wedding day" nonsense. Do most men honestly care about the colour of the flowers, bridesmaid dresses etc?

Mango Joe

If it helps save your relationship and makes you think your husband is normal/likable again, then us men don't care about 97.9% of the detail of wedding planning.

He'll also appreciate it massively if you can have the sense and perspective to keep the costs reasonable and not start your married life recovering due to silly incurred debt from one self-indulgent day.

hullaballoo

I just got married on Friday and for the 9 months from the engagement until the week before last, I had very little input. As people have said, it's not a cop out, just that there's not much input required from the groom.

I also work to deadlines so it wasn't a priority until work finished. I did a lot in the last few days to get the final bits and pieces together as Mrs hullaballoo was working until the Wednesday before but that was the least I could do at that stage.

pocketse

Women do tend to go a bit mad at the wedding thing to be honest. Sweeping generalisation but they've been planning this in their head since they were little. In reality there's not much to plan. You pick a church, a venue and a band and decide what little extras you want. In reality the church, venue and band are flat out doing weddings numerous times a week. You may think you're organising but in reality what you're doing as an amateur is micromanaging a professional.

irishgrover

mcginty28 wrote:

that's mental and sounds like a control freak to me.

Nothing mental or control freaking about it at all. It was the 90's, a standard wedding was much simpler than its modern day equivalent.
The church, wedding hotel and band were the same as were used by all members of her family. The date was chosen as it was when we 1st got together. The meal had 2 options. It cost £11.50 a head.
The ring was a simple solitaire, as I knew she wanted. We lived in america at the time but got married in Ireland, so neither of us has the time, inclination or ability to visit wedding fairs, endless hotels etc.
My wife bought a dress for $200 and a wedding vail for $400 after 30 minutes in the first shop she went into. Her brides maid came from Ireland to help, they spend the rest of the weekend happily on the beer. The bridesmaids picked their outfits. The brides family organised the flowers. The bride's brother organised the cars. Myself and my wife picked the groom party outfits on the internet and collected them up on the way home from the airport.

We spent a lot more time, effort and money on our honeymoon, because to us that was very important.

The whole wedding (excluding honeymoon and flight home), cost under £3,500. (178 people)

A lot of people get so hung up on and so much in debt on what should be a simple and memorable day. If you invite the right people for the right reasons, then nobody should really care to much about all the little extras that add cost and stress and risk..... (Yes, I understand I'm outdated and old fashioned)

pwurple

OP, have you heard of Mental Load. Google it.

This is the start of where you get landed with planning everything in your joint lives from now to eternity. He does this because he expects you to do it all for him, in your female role.


Knock it on the head.

It's just plain old sexism.

theteal

pwurple wrote: »

OP, have you heard of Mental Load. Google it.

This is the start of where you get landed with planning everything in your joint lives from now to eternity. He does this because he expects you to do it all for him, in your female role.


Knock it on the head.

It's just plain old sexism.

That’s quite a stretch. I plan everything in our family life as my wife is fairly useless at it (she’ll gladly say so) but when it came to the unnecessary, expensive party that I had no interest in, nope ..... although in saying that, it was me who found the venue

mickoneill31

pwurple wrote: »

OP, have you heard of Mental Load. Google it.

This is the start of where you get landed with planning everything in your joint lives from now to eternity. He does this because he expects you to do it all for him, in your female role.


Knock it on the head.

It's just plain old sexism.

Because a guys not interested in a huge wedding and leaves the lady to it, it's sexist. Jesus.

pwurple

theteal wrote: »

That’s quite a stretch. I plan everything in our family life as my wife is fairly useless at it (she’ll gladly say so) but when it came to the unnecessary, expensive party that I had no interest in, nope ..... although in saying that, it was me who found the venue

Good for you.

Nikki Sixx

The format of the Irish wedding has become very “colour by numbers.” Church, reception drinks, dinner, band, d.j. and a “lock in” with your relations singing rebels songs for as long as the hotel can bare. They are so formulaic that if you’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all.

pwurple

mickoneill31 wrote: »

Because a guys not interested in a huge wedding and leaves the lady to it, it's sexist. Jesus.

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

mickoneill31

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

Those 3 items are requirements of being in a relationship (or of being a functioning adult). Having a huge wedding is not in the same category at all.

amcalester

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

Of course it is, and I'd hazard a guess that most men could organise a wedding in half the time than most woman could.

Why? Because it'd be all done in 1 visit to each vendor.

That it takes women longer is because they have more of a vision of what they want it to look like and so spend more time figuring it out.

We bought a car recently, I spent a lot of time figuring out what would suit us, the prices, where we could buy it, insurance etc. My girlfriend's input was, "I want the white one with the black roof".

Nekarsulm

Most blokes would have an interest in getting their mates suited and booted, organising cars and possibly the band, the wines for the meal and the meal itself.
Zero interest in gimmicky shyte like novelty photo-booths, ice cream /sweet wagons, "favours" for guests, colour co-ordinated do-dahs or copying whatever this years bridal magazines are trying to sell you.
A friend of mine summed it up recently, "I'd rather see a Summonds come in the door than a wedding invitation"

Nikki Sixx

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

But as others have alluded to, half the enjoyment for a woman is the agonizing indecisiveness. Spending hours talking about the dress, hotel and other details, who wants to listen to that?As others have said the bride to be holds all the power anyway, not like you are going to pick her dress, Church singers, flowers or photographer.

eviltwin

Organising my wedding was the biggest pain in the hole and we had a tiny do and both had equal involvement. I can only imagine how much work and time goes into a traditional wedding with all the trimmings. Delighted to be married to him though.

theteal

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

All of those are necessary activities of a functioning family/household. If someone displayed all of those traits I'd be leaning towards it being evident of sexist tendencies too.

Taking a back seat on the organisation of a party that's most likely of (another generalisation incoming) much more interest to the lady of the couple, nope, not in the same realm as any of those others.

meeeeh

Nikki Sixx wrote: »

But as others have alluded to, half the enjoyment for a woman is the agonizing indecisiveness. Spending hours talking about the dress, hotel and other details, who wants to listen to that?As others have said the bride to be holds all the power anyway, not like you are going to pick her dress, Church singers, flowers or photographer.

Oh good god the amount of waffle in this thread about what women like is quite annoying. I preferred picking the kitchen for our house than organising a wedding. I enjoyed myself at the wedding but that doesn't mean enjoyed the hassle of organising it. The idea that women like this stuff is great because then you don't need to do anything

And btw I picked our family car. His imput was go for the automatic.

jeannae

fleet wrote: »

Whomever wants a wedding should organize it and be grateful their partner doesn't object to the hassle and cost. If both were interested there would be clashes in taste, and if neither were interested then why bother with anything more than a BBQ and a few bottles of wine?

Very much agree. Maybe you should sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk about it?

woodchuck

OP from this thread alone, it sounds like a lot of men just aren't interested in the finer details of organising a wedding.

i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.

If you want him to share the burden of planning the wedding, I think you'll need to delegate particular tasks to him, with deadlines. Otherwise it just won't get done (by him) by the sounds of it!

Or if he's still not pulling his weight with the wedding planning, then I think it's only fair that he picks up the slack in other areas. If you're spending x hours per week organising the wedding, then I think he should be doing more chores around the house to lighten your load.

facehugger99

Sleeper12 wrote: »

Do most men honestly care about the colour of the flowers, bridesmaid dresses etc?

No, but we can pretend to be if it makes things easier.

woodchuck

woodchuck wrote: »

OP from this thread alone, it sounds like a lot of men just aren't interested in the finer details of organising a wedding.



If you want him to share the burden of planning the wedding, I think you'll need to delegate particular tasks to him, with deadlines. Otherwise it just won't get done (by him) by the sounds of it!

Or if he's still not pulling his weight with the wedding planning, then I think it's only fair that he picks up the slack in other areas. If you're spending x hours per week organising the wedding, then I think he should be doing more chores around the house to lighten your load.

if someone in a relationship wants something much more than the other person they should be willing to accept theyll be putting in more work

they may just consider themselves lucky the other person is willing to pay half of it

meeeeh

[Deleted User] wrote: »

if someone in a relationship wants something much more than the other person they should be willing to accept theyll be putting in more work

they may just consider themselves lucky the other person is willing to pay half of it

My husband wanted to get married more than I did. I did more work. I don't think someone who views relationships like you do should get married or hace family.