Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

helen87 · 20-06-2019 2:40pm #1

So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

Edit: Mod note added at 08:55 on 21/06/19

Mod note: This is a good discussion, and I’m happy to leave it run but please let’s keep it on topic and relevant to the OP. Sexism, what we did in the 90s, how much you hate weddings etc - please leave it all out. This thread is about organizing a wedding in the next couple of years so let’s assume that the OP would like replies relevant to that, and it’s generally against the charter to use this forum to bitch about how much you hate weddings/how formulaic they are etc. We will delete posts that are not relevant to the OP going forward.

theteal · 20-06-2019 2:48pm

Sweeping generalisation here but blokes really don't care about this stuff. I got involved but I was definitely to a much lesser extent than MrsTeal.

dinorebel · 20-06-2019 2:53pm

theteal wrote: »

Sweeping generalisation here but blokes really don't care about this stuff. I got involved but I was definitely to a much lesser extent than MrsTeal.

This

I was the same just nodded the head and agreed with everything.

votecounts · 20-06-2019 2:55pm

Only speaking for myself and other men that i Know, a lot just nod along and leave a lot up to the wife to be.
No Groomzillas:D

amcalester · 20-06-2019 2:57pm

Agreed.

As long as it comes in under budget I’m not overly bothered as long as there’s no “notions” introduced.

citygal93 · 20-06-2019 2:59pm

helen87 wrote: »

So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

I can somewhat agree (I definitely have more of a "vision" of the day than my partner) however I've asked him to take charge of things I know he'll have an interest in/won't mind doing. So because he does photography as part of his job, I've given him free reign on photography & videography. I've also given him the job of booking rooms in the nearby hotel as I'm just not interested in that!

fleet · 20-06-2019 3:00pm

helen87 wrote: »

Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

Whomever wants a wedding should organize it and be grateful their partner doesn't object to the hassle and cost. If both were interested there would be clashes in taste, and if neither were interested then why bother with anything more than a BBQ and a few bottles of wine?

victor8600 · 20-06-2019 3:00pm

Surely, the wedding is something to endure until the honeymoon. Make him interested. Two ways -- make it a game, or make him frightened. Ask about what he wants to do for his stag party. Propose that you organize the stag party and invite his friends (as you see fit). I am sure that a threat of a nice quiet party somewhere in Midlands with friends that you like will jolt him into action. Then ask him if it would be gas to make his most annoying friends talk about his childhood mishaps at the wedding lunch. Ask him who he wants to see as your bridesmates? Etc.

Also have a task list prepared for the time when he actually want to do something.

baby and crumble · 20-06-2019 3:00pm

I think the key is to find the areas that each person feels strongly about and then work from there.

When we were planning, I genuinely couldn't have given a fig about the flowers but I really wanted a particular suit style. I was obsessed with making sure the ceremony was perfect (tbh i wrote most of it myself) but my wife didn't really care about what was in it, so long as we ended up married (shes not terribly romantic in the traditional sense :pac:)

I hate to comment on gender lines (especially since as a same-sex couple, it's kinda pointless for us!) but in general I have found that women tend to care a bit more about the minutiae of the day, and guys tend to care about the fact they'll be married at the end. Like, my brothers and my dad couldn't have cared less about our plans for the day, but my wifes almost all-female family were into everything :rolleyes:.

You could start by tell him that you can't organise everything on our own and will need his help, so what things would he like to take on as responsibilities. You might find he actually cares about the photographer and the band, or he has a firm idea of what kind of colours he'd like to wear but he doesn't want to look stupid by starting the conversation. Maybe he's a whizz at spreadsheets and tracking things.

And tbh, if he doesn't care and won't engage then just honestly organise they day the way you want.

The Specialist · 20-06-2019 3:01pm

Same as the lads above, my wife was 100% focused on the planning and everything to do with the day - I chipped in when asked for opinions etc but mostly just nodded along with whatever was being suggested.

Wabbit Ears · 20-06-2019 3:03pm

personal opinion alert:
We dont really have a say anyway, ye think your asking us a question but we know you just want your decision validated.
We haven't obsessed about the finer details like ye have since you were 6 or so.
99% of the questions you ask we really dont care about in the slightest.

TheBoyConor · 20-06-2019 3:05pm

Generally guys aren't interested in weddings. many guy friends of mine bemoan the fact that they have to attend weddings as it is just a day off work, stress, expense, and having to be social with many people you don't know or in some cases not even like that much.

Another thing is videography. Take good wedding photgraphs, fair enough. They will be on the wall for years. But as for the video, don't fret over it. Nobody ever watches it anyway.
I remember being sat down to watch my sister's wedding video. Christ, I was there!!
Why would i need to watch it on DVD?

ELM327 · 20-06-2019 3:05pm

Once my suit is nice and it doesn't cost too much as a whole, I can't see myself having much else to do with it beyond picking the cars!

irishgrover · 20-06-2019 3:13pm

Before I proposed I did the following...
1. Bought the ring
2. Picked a date
3. Booked the church
4. Booked the hotel
5. Picked the menu
6. Booked the wedding band.

I did all of this, not because I am a control freak, or because I'm mad into wedding planning. I did it solely to avoid the next year of my life having discussions about menus, hotels, bands etc
Obviously my wife was then and still is in charge, and was free to change whatever the hell she wanted to. ..

Many men are just not into the details of wedding planning. There is a big difference in not being interested in a wedding and not being interested in a marriage...

meeeeh · 20-06-2019 3:17pm

Both of us found organization a chore but we both cared about certain elements. There is a difference between not caring about colour of napkins but certain things like seating arrangement or who to invite need to be agreed by both. We kind of muddled through and hired planner but I liked the approach two of my friends had. Husband got email with a list of tasks he had to do every week. Whatever wasn't done was added to next list because some stuff has to be agreed by both.

helimachoptor · 20-06-2019 3:22pm

Gotta go with the stereotype here
"i dont mind" and "whatever you want to do" were frequent responses when myself and Mrs Heli were getting married.

mistermaster · 20-06-2019 3:31pm

Just got married myself last October. This time last year, my wife would have been saying the same thing as OP here, that I just didn’t seem interested. That wasn’t the case. It’s not that I wasn’t interested – it’s just that I wasn’t as interested as her, and so I decided early on to just take a back seat and let her on with it as regards most of the arrangements. Might seem the easy way out, but to me it was preferable to me actually having a view on something that might be different to her own, and we ending up having a row over it.

Like somebody else said above, just because we men don’t seem too interested in the wedding itself doesn’t mean that we’re losing interest in getting married.

seasidedub · 20-06-2019 3:33pm

It's funny reading the replies! When I got married it was in jeans, half an hour booked at the reg office and we went there on his motorbike. I'm a woman and I know I'm a crunch, but weddings just seem like a huge waste of money to me. I can't get over the amount people spend on one day. But, up to them.

Seriously op, if it's just a case of typical male disinterest- grand.

But if he shows no interest in being pinned down on a date or just kind of wants to ignore the whole subject- maybe a gentle chat as to whether he really wants to get married??

facehugger99 · 20-06-2019 3:36pm

irishgrover wrote: »

Before I proposed I did the following...
1. Bought the ring
2. Picked a date
3. Booked the church
4. Booked the hotel
5. Picked the menu
6. Booked the wedding band.

Imagine if she'd said 'no'.

B-D-P-- · 20-06-2019 3:36pm

Marriage is not just for a day, He wants to marry you, but prob doesn't care of the specifics of a party.

So many women thing being married is all about the party.

mcginty28 · 20-06-2019 3:47pm

irishgrover wrote:

Before I proposed I did the following... 1. Bought the ring 2. Picked a date 3. Booked the church 4. Booked the hotel 5. Picked the menu 6. Booked the wedding band.

that's mental and sounds like a control freak to me.

irelandrover · 20-06-2019 3:50pm

How long have ye actually been engaged? Maybe he is not yet interested as it seems so far away.
He had a while to plan the engagement so maybe he wants to enjoy being engaged before immediately start planning a wedding.

Kenny B · 20-06-2019 4:15pm

helen87 wrote: »

So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

I'd say he's having an affair,

red petal · 20-06-2019 4:25pm

I must be the odd one out here but I would have no interest in getting married if he wasn't interested. Not because I'm spoilt, probably the opposite. I wouldn't care for a big fancy wedding inviting people we don't see. If it's a big day for you both and costing a decent amount, I'd want to think an ounce of interest or opinion as opposed to being a lap dog being told what to do.

dinorebel · 20-06-2019 4:27pm

Kenny B wrote: »

I'd say he's having an affair,

With a wedding planner.

seasidedub · 20-06-2019 4:31pm

irelandrover wrote: »

How long have ye actually been engaged? Maybe he is not yet interested as it seems so far away.
He had a while to plan the engagement so maybe he wants to enjoy being engaged before immediately start planning a wedding.

What does "enjoy being engaged"mean?

SEPT 23 1989 · 20-06-2019 4:35pm

I picked out the suit and turned up on the day

20-06-2019 4:49pm

I'm a photographer and have to say I've also noticed the stereotype to be fairly true, that the woman is pretty much celebrating herself, and the man is invited along to it.

Obviously that's not always the case, but more often than not I've seen that the man takes no heed at all in what's going on, or when they do, they tend to get shot down and the bride to be just does whatever she was planning anyway.

Most of the grooms I encounter seem to be on finance-control duties. Making sure it doesn't get out of hand too much, but at the same time, keeping everyone relatively happy.

Most men (and indeed a lot of women) I encounter are more interested in downplaying the wedding day and instead would prefer to splash the cash on the honeymoon, a car, or towards the mortgage on the house.

Teyla Emmagan · 20-06-2019 4:54pm

So you either organise the whole thing yourself OP, you find a bridesmaid who is mad into it, you let your mother do it, or you elope.

Realistically it could be a lot worse if he actually was into it.

The marriage is what counts, not the wedding.

seamus · 20-06-2019 5:00pm

I think the stereotype is true, and mainly because one's wedding day is hyped up from when you're a child, imagining all of the things you'll do and wear and say ... for women.

Men experience no wedding hype growing up. Men don't plan their wedding at all until they decide to get married. So it's about as exciting as planning a birthday party. It is not the realisation of something they've been thinking about for years.

If he seems disinterested, it's because he has no opinions about the minutiae of the event.

I say that in the broadest sense. Some men are all into it and love it. Some women couldn't give a ****. But they're the outliers. Most men would be happy enough to be told by their fianceé, "We're getting married in location X at 10 o'clock on Y date, and then going back to Z hotel. Wear a suit and don't be late".

Grand, job done.

seasidedub · 20-06-2019 5:02pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm a photographer and have to say I've also noticed the stereotype to be fairly true, that the woman is pretty much celebrating herself, and the man is invited along to it.

Obviously that's not always the case, but more often than not I've seen that the man takes no heed at all in what's going on, or when they do, they tend to get shot down and the bride to be just does whatever she was planning anyway.

Most of the grooms I encounter seem to be on finance-control duties. Making sure it doesn't get out of hand too much, but at the same time, keeping everyone relatively happy.

Most men (and indeed a lot of women) I encounter are more interested in downplaying the wedding day and instead would prefer to splash the cash on the honeymoon, a car, or towards the mortgage on the house.

Silliest thing I ever heard was a person known to me who wanted to buy in their preferred area but also.wanted a splashy wedding. The couple ended up buying outside of the preferred area and had the wedding. Their choice, but I couldn't get my head around it. A day versus living in your preferred area. Wow.

Zaph · 20-06-2019 5:03pm

mcginty28 wrote: »

that's mental and sounds like a control freak to me.

Before I proposed I had the ring bought, a few possible dates checked with the church and a meeting with the wedding planner booked in the hotel I knew would be my wife's first choice. We ended up changing to a different church for a number of reasons, but nothing I did was because I am a control freak, but rather because I wanted to get started with the planning as quickly as possible, and I knew my wife would too. I'm also clearly in the minority here because the planning was very much a joint effort, I think the only thing I really had zero input into was the dresses. There's a lot goes into the day, and I really didn't think it would be fair to sit back and lump everything onto my wife. That said, I do appreciate that there are some women who want to take complete control to ensure everything is exactly how they want it, but I couldn't see myself ever marrying someone like that anyway.

Addle · 20-06-2019 5:08pm

citygal93 wrote: »

I can somewhat agree (I definitely have more of a "vision" of the day than my partner) however I've asked him to take charge of things I know he'll have an interest in/won't mind doing. So because he does photography as part of his job, I've given him free reign on photography & videography. I've also given him the job of booking rooms in the nearby hotel as I'm just not interested in that!

Are you his wife to be or his manager?

....... · 20-06-2019 5:09pm

Zaph wrote: »

I'm also clearly in the minority here because the planning was very much a joint effort,

I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.

mickoneill31 · 20-06-2019 5:13pm

....... wrote: »

I find this thread bizarre. Both myself and my husband planned the wedding together with an equal amount of interest.

If he hadnt been interested in our wedding then I wouldnt have been marrying him and vice versa - whats the point of that! Its something we BOTH wanted.

To me the point of getting married is our life together, not the day that the ceremony is on.

I'm another in the couldn't care about the day group. Thankfully (for me) my missus was the same so we had a relaxed easy wedding that was easy to plan and didn't break us financially.

....... · 20-06-2019 5:15pm

mickoneill31 wrote: »

To me the point of getting married is our life together, not the day that the ceremony is on.

I'm another in the couldn't care about the day group. Thankfully (for me) my missus was the same so we had a relaxed easy wedding that was easy to plan and didn't break us financially.

But you can spend your life together without a wedding?

I meant whats the point in having a wedding if one person isnt interested in it?

Zaph · 20-06-2019 5:18pm

mickoneill31 wrote: »

To me the point of getting married is our life together, not the day that the ceremony is on.

I'm another in the couldn't care about the day group. Thankfully (for me) my missus was the same so we had a relaxed easy wedding that was easy to plan and didn't break us financially.

Regardless of how relaxed a day you want to have, there's still a certain amount of planning required. I don't see why it should all be left up to one person when it's an event celebrating a partnership.

mickoneill31 · 20-06-2019 5:20pm

Zaph wrote: »

Regardless of how relaxed a day you want to have, there's still a certain amount of planning required. I don't see why it should all be left up to one person when it's an event celebrating a partnership.

I didn't say all the planning should be done by one person.

Sleeper12 · 20-06-2019 5:24pm

There is a huge difference between getting married and having a wedding. I'd imagine like most blokes he is genuinely interested in getting married & being your husband. He might not be too bothered about the "perfect wedding day" nonsense. Do most men honestly care about the colour of the flowers, bridesmaid dresses etc?

Mango Joe · 20-06-2019 5:41pm

If it helps save your relationship and makes you think your husband is normal/likable again, then us men don't care about 97.9% of the detail of wedding planning.

He'll also appreciate it massively if you can have the sense and perspective to keep the costs reasonable and not start your married life recovering due to silly incurred debt from one self-indulgent day.

hullaballoo · 20-06-2019 6:17pm

I just got married on Friday and for the 9 months from the engagement until the week before last, I had very little input. As people have said, it's not a cop out, just that there's not much input required from the groom.

I also work to deadlines so it wasn't a priority until work finished. I did a lot in the last few days to get the final bits and pieces together as Mrs hullaballoo was working until the Wednesday before but that was the least I could do at that stage.

pocketse · 20-06-2019 6:44pm

Women do tend to go a bit mad at the wedding thing to be honest. Sweeping generalisation but they've been planning this in their head since they were little. In reality there's not much to plan. You pick a church, a venue and a band and decide what little extras you want. In reality the church, venue and band are flat out doing weddings numerous times a week. You may think you're organising but in reality what you're doing as an amateur is micromanaging a professional.

irishgrover · 21-06-2019 3:13am

mcginty28 wrote:

that's mental and sounds like a control freak to me.

Nothing mental or control freaking about it at all. It was the 90's, a standard wedding was much simpler than its modern day equivalent.
The church, wedding hotel and band were the same as were used by all members of her family. The date was chosen as it was when we 1st got together. The meal had 2 options. It cost Â£11.50 a head.
The ring was a simple solitaire, as I knew she wanted. We lived in america at the time but got married in Ireland, so neither of us has the time, inclination or ability to visit wedding fairs, endless hotels etc.
My wife bought a dress for $200 and a wedding vail for $400 after 30 minutes in the first shop she went into. Her brides maid came from Ireland to help, they spend the rest of the weekend happily on the beer. The bridesmaids picked their outfits. The brides family organised the flowers. The bride's brother organised the cars. Myself and my wife picked the groom party outfits on the internet and collected them up on the way home from the airport.

We spent a lot more time, effort and money on our honeymoon, because to us that was very important.

The whole wedding (excluding honeymoon and flight home), cost under Â£3,500. (178 people)

A lot of people get so hung up on and so much in debt on what should be a simple and memorable day. If you invite the right people for the right reasons, then nobody should really care to much about all the little extras that add cost and stress and risk..... (Yes, I understand I'm outdated and old fashioned)

pwurple · 21-06-2019 6:40am

OP, have you heard of Mental Load. Google it.

This is the start of where you get landed with planning everything in your joint lives from now to eternity. He does this because he expects you to do it all for him, in your female role.

Knock it on the head.

It's just plain old sexism.

theteal · 21-06-2019 7:05am

pwurple wrote: »

OP, have you heard of Mental Load. Google it.

This is the start of where you get landed with planning everything in your joint lives from now to eternity. He does this because he expects you to do it all for him, in your female role.

Knock it on the head.

It's just plain old sexism.

That’s quite a stretch. I plan everything in our family life as my wife is fairly useless at it (she’ll gladly say so) but when it came to the unnecessary, expensive party that I had no interest in, nope ..... although in saying that, it was me who found the venue

mickoneill31 · 21-06-2019 7:39am

pwurple wrote: »

OP, have you heard of Mental Load. Google it.

This is the start of where you get landed with planning everything in your joint lives from now to eternity. He does this because he expects you to do it all for him, in your female role.

Knock it on the head.

It's just plain old sexism.

Because a guys not interested in a huge wedding and leaves the lady to it, it's sexist. Jesus.

pwurple · 21-06-2019 7:40am

theteal wrote: »

That’s quite a stretch. I plan everything in our family life as my wife is fairly useless at it (she’ll gladly say so) but when it came to the unnecessary, expensive party that I had no interest in, nope ..... although in saying that, it was me who found the venue

Good for you.

Nikki Sixx · 21-06-2019 7:47am

The format of the Irish wedding has become very “colour by numbers.” Church, reception drinks, dinner, band, d.j. and a “lock in” with your relations singing rebels songs for as long as the hotel can bare. They are so formulaic that if you’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all.

pwurple · 21-06-2019 7:47am

mickoneill31 wrote: »

Because a guys not interested in a huge wedding and leaves the lady to it, it's sexist. Jesus.

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

mickoneill31 · 21-06-2019 7:52am

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

Those 3 items are requirements of being in a relationship (or of being a functioning adult). Having a huge wedding is not in the same category at all.

amcalester · 21-06-2019 8:05am

pwurple wrote: »

Yup. Same as no interest in washing up. Or no interest in minding a baby or changing a nappy.

Organising an event is work.

Of course it is, and I'd hazard a guess that most men could organise a wedding in half the time than most woman could.

Why? Because it'd be all done in 1 visit to each vendor.

That it takes women longer is because they have more of a vision of what they want it to look like and so spend more time figuring it out.

We bought a car recently, I spent a lot of time figuring out what would suit us, the prices, where we could buy it, insurance etc. My girlfriend's input was, "I want the white one with the black roof".

Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

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