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Update: How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrateful

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  • 10-04-2020 1:25am
    #1
    anon2323
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭


    This is an update from this thread: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058040055

    Hi, I wanted to give an update on a thread I made here a few months ago regarding some issues I was having in my relationship. Firstly, i'd like to say that I have split from my boyfriend.

    When I last posted, I felt like I had let everyone down here and wasted all of your time because I didn't have the conviction to fully cut him out of my life.I also felt like I had wasted vital resources in calling Women's Aid. I was overly dependent on him mentally and financially, and thought it really would be easier if I just ignored the issues. I ended up moving like he wanted me to, and living down the country with him, working in the job he got me, and putting up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. He sexually and physically assaulted me and yet every time it happened, I felt more resigned to the situation being unfixable and unavoidable and deserved. That mentality is still something I often feel and I'm working on changing.

    A few weeks ago, I left his house and got an out-of-the-blue urge to block him everywhere while on the train home to Dublin to visit my family, and I've managed to maintain that ever since and not go back. It doesn't feel like proper closure but I think I'm getting there. In a way, this lockdown we're in right now is a blessing, because I have no choice but to stay home and spend time with my family. I haven't yet told anyone in my life about what happened, and I'm not sure when I will be able to.

    I couldn't be more grateful for all the replies and messages I received while the original thread was running. Re-reading it now, I feel ashamed I hadn't listened properly and been strong enough to take action, but also glad that's not the case anymore. I'm not 100% there but I'm on my way. I hope this can offer some solace to others who may find themselves in a similar situation.


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    #2
    hawley
    Registered Users Posts: 1,216 ✭✭✭hawley


    Well done on getting out of that relationship. I would suggest that you go to the guards, but that is your own decision. It seems like you have been very lucky in managing to get away from him. He managed to isolate you from everyone else and control you, he sounds like a psychopath. You must be going through a trauma at the moment. I think that you should talk to a family member or friend about this in confidence. I'd be worried about your safety. He needs to know that other people are aware of what he has done to you. Did you manage to repay the loan? I hope that you did, in case he thinks that it gives him a reason to get back in touch with you in some way.


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    #3
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Please dont feel ashamed OP. I am so sorry that he assaulted you, that alone is a really good reason to chat to someone, even the rape crisis centre.

    I'm really really glad you are safe now. Whether or not you have paid him back the "loan" though I'd say it was more a gift but either way, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get in touch another way. I hope he doesnt but I would have a word with the guards if you feel able to, but of course completely your choice.

    Again I'm very relieved you are with family. If you feel like you were partly to blame (I'm slightly getting that impression from your posts) know that not only were you not but thats what abusers like him do to try and emotionally manipulate.

    Have a really lovely easter xx


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    #4
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    I just read your thread. It's great to see you have split from him but I have a nagging feeling this isn't over yet. Other people on the thread saw parallels between your story and that of Graham Dwyer/Elaine O'Hara and I think they had a point. I don't want to scare you but simply blocking this man on your phone may not be enough. All he needs to do is get another number and you're back to square one. If he was to ring you on a new number and spoke to you, would you go back to him? This man might also know where you live, making it possible for him to keep an eye on you and work out your movements. I hope for your sake that I am catastrophising but you can't be too careful.

    You also seem to be trying to deal with far too much of this on your own. I understand why you're reluctant to talk to anyone about this. Most people don't like to share intimate details of their sex lives and proclivities with others. It's not easy to admit that you've been in an abusive relationship either. Throw those into the mix with your submissive tendencies and you are where you are. I think you need to tell somebody about what happened. Ideally, you should go to the guards because I think this man is dangerous. The pity is, you're not going to. I doubt you're going to tell your family either, even though they may have suspicions that something happened. If you can't face talking to either of these, would you please consider going to see a counsellor? You have been through a tough time and keeping it all to yourself won't help you get over this. You are also at risk of putting yourself in danger in the future and you may not be as lucky this time.


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