[cena]

Originally Posted by bitofabind

Really interesting thread. And interesting to read the OP update that despite ambivalence, she went ahead and couldn't be happier. I feel like this represents the journey of a lot of women, but we just don't talk about it. Instead we're sold this message of having this primal yearning from deep inside our wombs, that we were born to bear children.

I'm in my mid-30s and have gone from the same ambivalence most of my life to "yes, but not now". Which is a tricky one considering my age. My life has also changed meaningfully in the last year or so, having met my partner, and about to move countries and jobs too. Life has been travel, living abroad, high flying careers since I graduated from college and thinking about having children in that environment was like thinking about flying to the moon. Like, what? Uhhhh, yeah I mean maybe but not for yearrrrrs.

Now I'm embarking on some major life changes again and am torn between enjoying the journey and letting the dust settle where it will, to the worry about my fertility, what if I wait too long? I'll be 36 in April. I did a fertility MOT a few months ago, all in working order but don't wait too long, was the general picture. And yet it's hard with all the uncertainty ahead to see myself with a baby. To not be the footloose and fancy-free career-chasing busybody I've been for the last decade. Am I ready? Are we ready? What does "ready" look like?

I have just turned 36. No kids or partner/wife yet. I would love to have at least one or two by now. I would make a great dad.

Their is always fostering or adoption

[The Cool]

Originally Posted by cena

I have just turned 36. No kids or partner/wife yet. I would love to have at least one or two by now. I would make a great dad.

Their is always fostering or adoption

I vaguely remember someone on here recently mentioning that 35 is the cut off age for adoption here, and its a lengthy process. Besides that, its not really how fostering or adoption work in Ireland - they are more as a support for children in need.

[pwurple]

Originally Posted by cena

Their is always fostering or adoption

There isn't always fostering or adoption.

Please don't rely on that. This is 2021, babies are not harvested from single mothers anymore. You can count the number of stranger adoptions that take place on one hand these days.

[bitofabind]

I'd never consider fostering or adoption as options, as there seems to be so many hoops to jump through and I'm nowhere near settled i.e married with a mortgage and two pensionable jobs.

A friend of mine is 30, single and really broody. She's decided if she hasn't met someone she'd see herself having kids with by 2022, she'll go the sperm donor route alone. When I had my fertility checked a few months ago, I learned about the process, timeline and costs associated with that. I think that's a far more viable option than fostering/adoption these days.

[Neyite]

Fostering and adopting are wonderful aspirations - but the threshold a prospective parent needs to meet is very high. That's as it should be, because it's putting the needs of the child to the forefront of the process. As well as that, there's very few newborns up for adoption, the children that are up for adoption have a complicated past and very often would have issues as a result of their biological family or their stints in care. So the priority is placing them with a family that could cope with behavioural issues and possibly work extensively with professionals to resolve them. Social welfare reforms has meant that mothers are supported by the state to keep their babies rather than surrender them to care - which is something we should be proud of.

It can take years to become approved for adoption and while it used to be that a quick trip to Eastern Europe or China after that got you your family, those routes have been closed down. History has shown us that adoption has had significant impacts on the adoptee - especially if there was any secrecy or concealment at play. Even the success stories, have people who still feel marginalised due to not being able to get their own birth cert, or their lack of rights as to regards their birth family.

Probably the easiest way of hedging your bets would be to freeze eggs/sperm for future use. But then surrogacy is another ethical minefield...

[Segotias]

36 for a man isn't old when it comes to having children, obviously as you get older you may have to aim for a younger partner but being a dad is still an option for you.

[Faith]

For me, the question has become less “do I want a baby” and more “do I want to commit to raising a child”. Babies are cute and sweet and cuddly and squishy - of course they’re appealing!

What, for me, is not appealing is the long term realities of raising a child. Sure, there are amazing parts, but it’s bloody hard, and one needs to think about the good AND bad aspects of parenting, not just in the baby stage, but throughout development into adulthood.

My perception is definitely skewed because I work in healthcare with children, young people and parents, so I see firsthand every day the less common challenges of parenting and the damage that poor parenting does, so that definitely shapes my view.

But, for me, at the end of the day, after years and years of bloody hard work, I’m finally in a place where I love my life (at least, my life without the presence of COVID!). I have everything pretty much where I want it and I’m very happy for things to stay this way. I’m always open to changing my mind but I’m feeling really comfortable in my decision to be child free these days.

[The Cool]

@Faith, that is exactly how I'm feeling. I've been feeling unenthused at the idea of having kids for a few years now and thought maybe the broodiness would hit and change my mind. I think that broodiness has actually hit in a way - I want a baby, in that maternal instinct kind of way. I want to be pregnant and I want a baby to cuddle and smell and have that newborn baby bubble. I'm actually having dreams about having a baby so it feels like my uterus is screaming at me
But, I don't want a 4/8/12 year old! Having actual small people to parent just doesn't really appeal to me and honestly, I don't think I'd enjoy it. I like my freedom now and I think I'd hate the routines of school runs, homework, bedtime etc. And I think kids deserve better than someone who resents being a parent at all.

[Baby Ambivalence]

@thecool I was the opposite, I didn't mind the idea of parenting a kid that can feed themselves, express themselves verbally and wipe their own bum. The utter dependence of the baby phase left me feeling cold.

[arex93]

There are still many children for adoption in my country (the abortion is illegal and the state does not offer assistance to single parents). The process also takes years, but there is no cut age and no costs. But I cannot adopt a child from my country if I live abroad. And I naively thought of adopting in Ireland without knowing the reality of the country. Fortunately, there are no abandon children here.

I never considered freezing my eggs because of the costs with no guarantee of results. And It does not please me the idea of submitting myself to a high level of hormones. But I think this is the best way under my circumstances if I take too long to start a family.

[arex93]

Originally Posted by Baby Ambivalence

@thecool I was the opposite, I didn't mind the idea of parenting a kid that can feed themselves, express themselves verbally and wipe their own bum. The utter dependence of the baby phase left me feeling cold.

Same. Well, babies are cute and I would like to have experience with a newborn. But they are so dependent, it scares me.

When I think about my children, I think on them with the age of 5-10... I like the idea of raising a child, educate them...

[Rmgblue]

So I find myself here sharing all the same concerns worries and wonders.
I have just made an appointment to talk to someone about my options.
I am almost 36 and not where I want to be in my career. Selfish or not I will not get this job if I am pregnant/have a child. Apart from this I'm just not ready. Having a child for the sake of it doesn't sit right with me. I do know I want one but am certain I'm not ready. A family member recently under went cancer treatment and so was left with no other option to have her eggs frozen. I am giving this full consideration. Its scary too

[ancapailldorcha]

I think if I were set up in a stable job, a partner and a decent house I'd be struggling more with the decision. In a way, it's a bit of a relief that fate has taken it out of my hands as I'm living in a houseshare in London.

I've been to the homes of friends and relatives and seen the nice side of it but I've also seen struggling parents in museums and the like with squealing children running around and it looks like hell when it's like that.

There's a really nice line at the start of this thread by Doozer T6 that asks how upset you'd be if you were told you couldn't have children. I think I'd be devastated if I never got to travel any more or suffer a steep reduction in my alone time but having children I think I can live without. It's not nice to think that there'll be nobody to look after you but spending several years of your life on a partial countermeasure is a bad idea IMO. I just became and uncle and I've no interest in my niece/nephew. I think my answer is there somewhere.

[woodchuck]

Originally Posted by Baby Ambivalence

@thecool I was the opposite, I didn't mind the idea of parenting a kid that can feed themselves, express themselves verbally and wipe their own bum. The utter dependence of the baby phase left me feeling cold.

I'm the same. I have zero interest in babies. I don't see the appeal at all (I don't get the whole "new baby smell" thing). You can't interact with them on any sort of meaningful level. From the sounds of it, they just keep you up all night and you spend your whole time trying to clean/feed/comfort them. It sounds utterly miserable to me.

But kids! Kids I like. You can talk to kids. Play with them. Teach them things. Have a proper conversation with them. Help them with their problems.

I'm 35 and still don't feel broody for babies. I'm worried if I don't have a baby soon though, I'll never have a kid.

[Baby Ambivalence]

Originally Posted by woodchuck

(I don't get the whole "new baby smell" thing). You can't interact with them on any sort of meaningful level. From the sounds of it, they just keep you up all night and you spend your whole time trying to clean/feed/comfort them. It sounds utterly miserable

Now that I've joined the ranks of the breeders I can exclusively reveal the new baby smell is a myth. To be completely honest, the most noticeable smells I found with new parenthood was my own sweat (I sweated buckets for the first few months) and milk. Funnily enough the poo was fairly benign to begin with. The early baby months can be tough going but once they start to be aware of their surroundings its more enjoyable. Watching them learn and grow is fascinating.