Marriage: is it worth it?

Wibbs · 13-01-2021 2:09pm

I do wish people would stop automatically extrapolating American online cultural notions and idiocies on marriage and divorce rates and making out Ireland is the same. Never mind the American divorce rate isn't 50% or anything near it, so even the "source facts" are completely bloody arseways.

Ireland has one of the lowest divorce rates in the western world and the lowest in Europe.

FACT: The divorce rate in Ireland was the lowest in Europe in 2015 according to Eurostat figures. It showed less than one divorce occurred for every 1,000 people – 0.7 in every 1,000 to be exact. Malta and Montenegro were the only other countries with less than one divorce for every 1,000 people – they came in at 0.8 and 0.9 respectively. Under one in a thousand marriages is just a little different than half or a quarter. Under one in a thousand are pretty bloody good odds.

Again stop copying plastic Yank cranks online with their heads up their arses. Not just around divorce either. This is not America thank fuck.

Church on Tuesday · 13-01-2021 2:25pm

Louis Friend wrote: »

It is worth it.

I wouldn’t allow marriages that have turned sour to colour your views.

It’s a public declaration of love and the formation of a family unit in front of family, friends, and the State.

Plus it’s important if kids are on the agenda.

But yet if you are a father it won't make any difference in any event as you will have no rights only obligations.

Strumms · 13-01-2021 2:48pm

McTigs wrote: »

If you go into marraige with any thought of "what's in it for me" you have completely missed the point and are bound to be unhappy

Why ? I get that being selfless is a positive thing, ‘to a point’.

In life though, you have to look after yourself and your wellbeing.

Life is not a rehearsal, you have one chance at this. If you fûck up the consequences can be very grave. Picking the wrong wife, husband and entering into a legal commitment with them that’s forever binding and if things fall apart you might be going from.....

Nice house to bedsit.

BMW to 41 BUS.

Holiday in Torremolinos to a few beers in Termonfeckin.

I saw my cousin get shafted and if it wasn’t for the help of my Dad and his mates...as well as some damning WhatsApp conversations she sent him in anger which he was savvy enough to save... he managed to get out pretty much 50/50. But that was not always looking likely he had all sorts of accusations made against him, thankfully a very strong judge and legal team absolutely tore her to ribbons. She in the end was another ‘mintal health’ screecher just conveniently at the end.....when things were hitting the rocks...

What’s in it for you should be a prime concern. Not the only concern but a concern for definite. One needs to protect themselves in this life. Enough screwballs and chancers out there.

kerryjack · 13-01-2021 2:50pm

Nobody gives a ****e now if you are married or not. It was different 20, 30 years ago parents putting pressure on there kids to get married I was the first one in my family to live with partner befor we got married, we lived together for about 4 years before we got married, My mother didn't like it, kind of snubbed us, plenty hints like you better make an honest women out of her. Thank god now that has changed.

13-01-2021 3:00pm

Wibbs wrote: »

Never mind the American divorce rate isn't 50% or anything near it, so even the "source facts" are completely bloody arseways.

Ireland has one of the lowest divorce rates in the western world and the lowest in Europe.

FACT: The divorce rate in Ireland was the lowest in Europe in 2015 according to Eurostat figures. It showed less than one divorce occurred for every 1,000 people – 0.7 in every 1,000 to be exact. Malta and Montenegro were the only other countries with less than one divorce for every 1,000 people – they came in at 0.8 and 0.9 respectively. Under one in a thousand marriages is just a little different than half or a quarter. Under one in a thousand are pretty bloody good odds.

Again stop copying plastic Yank cranks online with their heads up their arses. Not just around divorce either. This is not America thank fuck.

You seem to be suggesting/inferring that this is because people are happy? yes/no? if so, I'm not sure how you are coming to this conclusion. I'm more inclined to think a lot of people (mainly men I'd say) don't even try to get out because it can be/usually is a lot worse (particularly for a man) than staying in an unhappy marriage, whereas a woman can get out with a certain amount more ease and a security net not afforded to a husband.

13-01-2021 3:01pm

eviltwin wrote: »

But you have those feelings of love anyway don’t you? How will getting married make your relationship better or stronger? I’m 13 years married, together 25 in total. I don’t see much of a difference tbh personally. We aren’t any more loving or less annoying to each other than we were before.

I can understand the importance of marriage years ago when you were basically stuck together for life. Now though it’s not the commitment it was. Having children together or even buying a property is a bigger bind.

People put marriage on a pedestal for some reason. I’m very happy with my marriage and have no regrets but apart from the legal protections I don’t see a point in it.

Marriage doesn't make love or take it away. The dynamic between the two people is what decides those things. I love my Fiancé more than I thought I could love anyone and to my great surprise its reciprocated. Getting married means something to us that's beyond legal and financial. I can't articulate why it matters for us but it does.

I didn't alway think that way but when I met him those beliefs were changed along with me.

13-01-2021 3:07pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Marriage doesn't make love or take it away. The dynamic between the two people is what decides those things. I love my Fiancé more than I thought I could love anyone and to my great surprise its reciprocated. Getting married means something to us that's beyond legal and financial. I can't articulate why it matters for us but it does.

I didn't alway think that way but when I met him those beliefs were changed along with me.

Sounds a reasonable way to view things, what if she changes her tune, 12 yrs or 2 yrs or 2 weeks after you're married?
If the other person is reasonable then you're ok, but if not or it blatantly wasn't apparent and then either suddenly or gradually changed, then what, I'll tell you what, you'll be flucked.
The whole inheritance thing is a State approved wallet pilfering scam, zero benefit to you if you die what happens after, but the State is happy to browbeat/scam people into the benefits, but on the other hand offers no or limited benefits to genuine cohabiting couples?? so people should be pressured to marry for those reasons, same reason there is no Stamp duty charge to add a spouses name to a property you already own, I'm sure going the opposite direction there is, assuming you can even do that.

13-01-2021 3:12pm

1874 wrote: »

Sounds a reasonable way to view things, what if she changes her tune, 12 yrs or 2 yrs or 2 weeks after you're married?
If the other person is reasonable then you're ok, but if not or it blatantly wasn't apparent and then either suddenly or gradually changed, then what, I'll tell you what, you'll be flucked.
The whole inheritance thing is a State approved wallet pilfering scam, zero benefit to you if you die what happens after, but the State is happy to browbeat/scam people into the benefits, but on the other hand offers no or limited benefits to genuine cohabiting couples?? so people should be pressured to marry for those reasons, same reason there is no Stamp duty charge to add a spouses name to a property you already own, I'm sure going the opposite direction there is, assuming you can even do that.

I'm the "she"

I have no interest in any of the financial "what ifs" around my relationship ending. Its likely those concerns would be the last thing on my mind. Of course every one is different and other people do have such concerns.

Thelonious Monk · 13-01-2021 4:24pm

I would say we have a low divorce rate because divorce wasn't even an option until relatively recently and it's not really part of our culture, maybe the Catholic guilt thing has a part to play too. Instead we probably have a lot of unhappy marriages or maybe we're just good at accepting the banality of it all compared to other countries.

XsApollo · 13-01-2021 4:32pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I do wish people would stop automatically extrapolating American online cultural notions and idiocies on marriage and divorce rates and making out Ireland is the same. Never mind the American divorce rate isn't 50% or anything near it, so even the "source facts" are completely bloody arseways.

Ireland has one of the lowest divorce rates in the western world and the lowest in Europe.

FACT: The divorce rate in Ireland was the lowest in Europe in 2015 according to Eurostat figures. It showed less than one divorce occurred for every 1,000 people – 0.7 in every 1,000 to be exact. Malta and Montenegro were the only other countries with less than one divorce for every 1,000 people – they came in at 0.8 and 0.9 respectively. Under one in a thousand marriages is just a little different than half or a quarter. Under one in a thousand are pretty bloody good odds.

Again stop copying plastic Yank cranks online with their heads up their arses. Not just around divorce either. This is not America thank fuck.

Plenty of people separated in this country because divorce wasn’t available at the time, you had to wait 5 years, now 3, people afraid to go to solicitors for the cost involved, not taking on the task themselves, Family law itself, stigma due to Catholic Churches influence, the list goes on.
Can be years getting a divorce here,
Our divorce rate will climb over the next few years as younger generation get older.

13-01-2021 4:48pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm the "she"

I have no interest in any of the financial "what ifs" around my relationship ending. Its likely those concerns would be the last thing on my mind. Of course every one is different and other people do have such concerns.

IMO it still holds true, regardless of he/she, ie if someone changes (Im not trying to convince you or anyone otherwise, I certainly dont try persuade anyone already going down that road with my opinions)
In reality, a woman has a lot less to fear from changing circumstances, especially if there are children, its an unfortunate fact, a guy could get a house he previously bought in his own name taken off him, wouldnt go the other way.

XsApollo wrote: »

Plenty of people separated in this country because divorce wasn’t available at the time, you had to wait 5 years, now 3, people afraid to go to solicitors for the cost involved, not taking on the task themselves, Family law itself, stigma due to Catholic Churches influence, the list goes on.
Can be years getting a divorce here,
Our divorce rate will climb over the next few years as younger generation get older.

Well hopefully divorce rates will be affected by less people getting married until things change for the better in terms of real equality. If marriage rates fall, I'd say it would practically guarantee the State would introduce changes to cohabiting durations and onus/responsibility on unmarried men.
There is no equivalent benefits for cohabitating couples re inheritence, how many aspects of family law cant or haven't been challenged at a national or European level is questionable imo, regarding mens rights, assets (especially those brought by one party into a marriage).

bertiebomber · 13-01-2021 4:50pm

Ubbquittious wrote: »

You are basically paying a few 100 quid for a piece of paper from MeHole martin that names the person you're supposed to shag for the rest of your days

I dont see the point at all. So many people change in a bad way when they realise the person they married cant escape that easily.

you can always escape by just walking out the door it depends on how much you value your freedom against how greedy you are...... many a woman just opened the front door and said hasta la vista baby never to be heard from again but you only hear the about the sh it shows !!

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 4:57pm

This is how paranoid I am about marriage. If I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We will both live in our separate homes, no kids. That way if it doesnt work out, both of us can just walk away scot free.

corner of hells · 13-01-2021 5:37pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

This is how paranoid I am about marriage. If I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We will both live in our separate homes, no kids. That way if it doesnt work out, both of us can just walk away scot free.

Sounds amazing.

Wibbs · 13-01-2021 6:01pm

1874 wrote: »

You seem to be suggesting/inferring that this is because people are happy? yes/no? if so, I'm not sure how you are coming to this conclusion. I'm more inclined to think a lot of people (mainly men I'd say) don't even try to get out because it can be/usually is a lot worse (particularly for a man) than staying in an unhappy marriage, whereas a woman can get out with a certain amount more ease and a security net not afforded to a husband.

And yet our divorce figures suggest women aren't getting out to nearly the degree some seem to think. If it were much of an advantage for them to do so then why aren't the numbers higher? And let's say the figures are low because of [insert reasons]. OK, double them, triple them, quadruple them. It's still not within an asses roar of the "half of all marriages fail"(or a similarly high percentage) stuff you hear some people come out with. If you look at a world map of divorce even the highest rates are still pretty damned small. In essence many more people stay married than divorce. Age, social status and education comes into it too. Countries like the US with earlier ages of marriage are more likely to have high divorce rates. University educated couples in their 30's have much lower rates.

I'm no cheerleader for marriage. Never even occurred to me no matter how much in love I've been and it still wouldn't occur to me.* However while marriages and long term relationships can have their downsides as well as up, though mostly meh sides from what I can tell, most people it seems are content enough to stick around and most people are happier in a relationship than not.

*"Oh you could meet someone tomorrow and they'd be The One and you'd just know." Sure, but if I felt like that I'd triple check myself as that's just fantasy nonsense and it has been my observation usually with a touch of desperation in one party.

cms88 · 13-01-2021 9:01pm

As much as people say otherwise it's much better for the woman. There are women out there who are only interested in having the big day out etc, get a house and have a baby, in whatever order, and then leave as they have everything they want/need.

HBC08 · 13-01-2021 9:54pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

This is how paranoid I am about marriage. If I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We will both live in our separate homes, no kids. That way if it doesnt work out, both of us can just walk away scot free.

Put that on your Tinder blurb.

Wilbury Twist · 13-01-2021 10:38pm

I think a good prerequisite for both parties to the marriage is that both are financially independent prior to signing on the dotted line. They wouldn't admit it of course but the free meal ticket element of deciding to marry is a real factor involved for many, not exclusively on the woman's side of things but more so than the other way around based on what I've seen in my social circle.

When money comes in the front door love can often run out the back door to the divorce courts for a nice financial package nest egg.

For men especially it's a case of Caveat Emptor in order to avoid buyers remorse and not being able to hand the receipt back in for a refund!

Potential-Monke · 13-01-2021 10:47pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

This is how paranoid I am about marriage. If I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We will both live in our separate homes, no kids. That way if it doesnt work out, both of us can just walk away scot free.

I'd be in a similar boat here. I'm 37 and have had 2 x 7 year relationships since I was 16ish. Both were great until we moved in together and slowly things started going downhill (imo). First one ended up shifting another lad, and while I tried to make it work after that, the trust was gone so we ended it less than a year later. Second one I ended because she wanted kids and I didn't.

But in both those situations, I thought I really knew these women before we moved in together. It's when you're living together that the truth comes out. Not saying I'm an angel, but I don't think I did anything wrong, other than be myself. As someone else said, add in kids, a mortgage, probably a pet... things get messy easily.

My parents are married 50 years this March. 50. I can't even fathom liking someone that long, let alone loving them! But, my mother will say that if it was modern Ireland, she wouldn't have lasted 50 years. She can think of 3 very specific times when she was close to ending the relationship, and only stayed because of the stigma (one of those times I was brought on a "holiday" with her, little did I know at the time that was the closest she was to leaving. Should have sussed something was up when there was no definite "go home" day, but she bought me Point Blank and the G-Con for the PS1 before leaving so I didn't care). But that was their time, marriage was a necessity to "get along" in older Ireland.

Nowadays, marriage is a great concept, but the law needs to be dramatically changed so people can get the exact same benefits (ie: tax, etc) as a married couple without actually getting married. I believe steps have been made on that regard, but I'm not 100% on it.

Most people I know who are married are not exactly happy, but most are not sad either. They all realise they're caught in this limbo, and if anything goes wrong they know it's going to be hell to deal with. My best friend is married over 10 years (in a relationship 18) and has 2 kids. When they got married, neither wanted kids. Then she got broody, he said ok just to keep her happy and believed her when she said it would be great. After the second kid he got the snip, and I'm forever hearing about all the negatives, the drop in sex, the constant arguing, the lack of time for oneself, the fact that 80% of the money he works hard for is gone before he can go near it, and lives on a few hundred a month for himself.

Maybe I'm just lucky to be surrounded by people who not only agree with my way of life (single, couldn't be arsed trying, tis great really), but actively encourage me to keep it. Even my parents are coming round to my way of thinking, having being involved in all the issues with my siblings and their partners (one of which is "happily" divorced).

But again, the law is lacking in every regard when it comes to marriage. It needs to be updated asap to reflect modern living and not the catholic controlled version that's still in play here. Marriage was a necessity once, but no more.

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:11pm

Wilbury Twist wrote: »

I think a good prerequisite for both parties to the marriage is that both are financially independent prior to signing on the dotted line. They wouldn't admit it of course but the free meal ticket element of deciding to marry is a real factor involved for many, not exclusively on the woman's side of things but more so than the other way around based on what I've seen in my social circle.

When money comes in the front door love can often run out the back door to the divorce courts for a nice financial package nest egg.

For men especially it's a case of Caveat Emptor in order to avoid buyers remorse and not being able to hand the receipt back in for a refund!

The last few women who have asked me out have been gold diggers, one asked me straight out did people in my profession make much money lol some of them cant hide it but its the ones who can that would worry you.

I always let on that I havent a penny, 99% of the time you never hear from them again.

completedit · 13-01-2021 11:13pm

The romantic in me says yes, the realist says no. It's everything terrible about relationships(loss of freedom, nagging, uncertainty) without any of the good stuff(b utterflies, getting to know someone on a deep level)

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:13pm

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I'd be in a similar boat here. I'm 37 and have had 2 x 7 year relationships since I was 16ish. Both were great until we moved in together and slowly things started going downhill (imo). First one ended up shifting another lad, and while I tried to make it work after that, the trust was gone so we ended it less than a year later. Second one I ended because she wanted kids and I didn't.

But in both those situations, I thought I really knew these women before we moved in together. It's when you're living together that the truth comes out. Not saying I'm an angel, but I don't think I did anything wrong, other than be myself. As someone else said, add in kids, a mortgage, probably a pet... things get messy easily.

My parents are married 50 years this March. 50. I can't even fathom liking someone that long, let alone loving them! But, my mother will say that if it was modern Ireland, she wouldn't have lasted 50 years. She can think of 3 very specific times when she was close to ending the relationship, and only stayed because of the stigma (one of those times I was brought on a "holiday" with her, little did I know at the time that was the closest she was to leaving. Should have sussed something was up when there was no definite "go home" day, but she bought me Point Blank and the G-Con for the PS1 before leaving so I didn't care). But that was their time, marriage was a necessity to "get along" in older Ireland.

Nowadays, marriage is a great concept, but the law needs to be dramatically changed so people can get the exact same benefits (ie: tax, etc) as a married couple without actually getting married. I believe steps have been made on that regard, but I'm not 100% on it.

Most people I know who are married are not exactly happy, but most are not sad either. They all realise they're caught in this limbo, and if anything goes wrong they know it's going to be hell to deal with. My best friend is married over 10 years (in a relationship 18) and has 2 kids. When they got married, neither wanted kids. Then she got broody, he said ok just to keep her happy and believed her when she said it would be great. After the second kid he got the snip, and I'm forever hearing about all the negatives, the drop in sex, the constant arguing, the lack of time for oneself, the fact that 80% of the money he works hard for is gone before he can go near it, and lives on a few hundred a month for himself.

Maybe I'm just lucky to be surrounded by people who not only agree with my way of life (single, couldn't be arsed trying, tis great really), but actively encourage me to keep it. Even my parents are coming round to my way of thinking, having being involved in all the issues with my siblings and their partners (one of which is "happily" divorced).

But again, the law is lacking in every regard when it comes to marriage. It needs to be updated asap to reflect modern living and not the catholic controlled version that's still in play here. Marriage was a necessity once, but no more.

Being single is the way to go if it suits you. not answerable to anyone. some people cant live like that though, they are too needy.

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:19pm

[/QUOTE]

Put that on your Tinder blurb.

:pac: And if we go for dinner, its you who is paying, have you got that?;)

Potential-Monke · 13-01-2021 11:23pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

Being single is the way to go if it suits you. not answerable to anyone. some people cant live like that though, they are too needy.

I agree. It took me a while to realise it myself, and plenty of depressed nights alone. Took a complete change in outlook and life to come to the realisation that it's better (for now anyway).

Ludikrus · 13-01-2021 11:33pm

Loneliness is a killer.

FintanMcluskey · 13-01-2021 11:36pm

Ludikrus wrote: »

Loneliness is a killer.

Ironically, marriage is as much a cause as a cure of loneliness

13-01-2021 11:41pm

Thing about boards is that its very hard to know much about the people throwing out their advice

I mean, if i wanted advice on being happily married id ask someone who knew how to go about that

I wouldnt be asking yknow some of the lads here who lets be honest are not going to be troubled by a long term relationship any time soon, sorry lads no offence and tell us again what ye read about women.

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:46pm

Ludikrus wrote: »

Loneliness is a killer.

not as much of a killer as living in a flat while your ex wife has the mansion that you once lived in. or still in the mansion with your wife but sleeping in different rooms, hating each other and fighting 24/7 in front of your kids.

Faze11 · 13-01-2021 11:56pm

If you are going to get married just make sure it is for the right reasons and to the right person, not just the next logical step in your life.

14-01-2021 12:02am

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

Ironically, marriage is as much a cause as a cure of loneliness

Unfortunately relationships don't necessarily help with loneliness and can cause it. There's nothing quote like that feeling when you are supposed to be sharing your life with another but yet you might as well be alone.

mcsean2163 · 14-01-2021 12:04am

Great craic here, not!

Get out there and live your life, who knows, it might be good, you might enjoy it!

completedit · 14-01-2021 12:12am

pgj2015 wrote: »

not as much of a killer as living in a flat while your ex wife has the mansion that you once lived in. or still in the mansion with your wife but sleeping in different rooms, hating each other and fighting 24/7 in front of your kids.

Were you married to Anna Nicole Smith?

pgj2015 · 14-01-2021 12:23am

completedit wrote: »

Were you married to Anna Nicole Smith?

Yes, she wouldnt even oil my wheelchair wheels.:(

Antares35 · 14-01-2021 12:25am

Agree with all that Potential-Monke. My parents are happy together (albeit my mother definitely got the better deal), but they've both admitted that a big push for getting married was that their home lives with their parents were so shít, that marriage was also an escape for them. My mother quit work as soon as the kids came along and never went back. Dad had to shoulder all the financial burdens while she was a woman of leisure. I think it's desperately unfair and you can see now that he's aged so much more than her. But, he didn't see anything wrong with it at the time. I could imagine my fiance's reaction if I told him I was giving up work and expected him to support me!

Strumms · 14-01-2021 12:29am

Ludikrus wrote: »

Loneliness is a killer.

I’d rather be alone and happy , no commitment or worries and arguments than jump into a dodgy marriage for the sake of it.

14-01-2021 12:31am

It can be a challenge for us as adults to have and maintain healthy relationships if we have no model for what that looks like. Its a challenge though that can be overcome.

EmmetSpiceland · 14-01-2021 12:35am

Anyone else keep hearing Peter Cook’s priest character from ‘The Princess Bride’ when they see this thread title?

14-01-2021 12:37am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyone else keep hearing Peter Cook’s priest character from ‘The Princess Bride’ when they see this thread title?

I do now!

Potential-Monke · 14-01-2021 12:48am

Deleted User wrote: »

It can be a challenge for us as adults to have and maintain healthy relationships if we have no model for what that looks like. Its a challenge though that can be overcome.

Thing is, the model of yesteryear doesn't apply to modern times. There can be no models to look up to when the world is changing as quick as it is these times. Someone mentioned that the divorce rate in Ireland is very low, and I agree with the person who rebutted saying that's because divorce was never really an option up to a decade or two ago, not in Ireland anyway. The option was there, but it was too complicated and society shunned it, so many people continue on with their lives unhappily.

Like the poster above, my ideal relationship would be living separately and having your own life, but at times you share, events, weddings, etc. People do not give themselves enough me time, and when they do get it they don't know what to do and feel depressed and lonely. I also realise what i'm looking for will be the golden goose, especially if they also match up to my very high standards, so I'm also happy to keep on going the way I am. Do I miss sex? Yes. Do I miss it enough to jump into a relationship and get married at some point? Hells no. Nothing wrong with a ****.

StevenToast · 14-01-2021 12:49am

Marriage is only worth it if you meet the right person...

I was happily single and would have stayed that way until I met a gem of a woman...

She just ticked all the right boxes...and I hope I ticked a few for her aswell!!

Now...on the flip side of that...I have 2 sisters in law that are stuck in bad marriages and would be long gone if it wasnt for the fact that they are actually married!

So OP......to answer your question...is it worth it?......sometimes!!!

Church on Tuesday · 14-01-2021 1:03am

Well you have to be OK with being by yourself. I love living by myself in my own place but I also loved sharing a place with a woman who I adored. There's no point in being in relationships/marriages just for the sake of it; it's not fair on you nor your partner.

Do I think marriages can work? yes. I think the biggest problem is people rush into marriage because it's the done thing too quickly without ever really knowing their partner or worse still, are just settling, again, just because.

I've never been married, no idea if I ever will. What I do know is that I'd rather marry the right one and not the wrong one, basically unless I feel in my gut 100% that this person is someone I can depend on and go to war with that is adult life (because there WILL be challenges) then I simply won't bother. I'm quite happy to wait however long whilst enjoying life for that person. It's a long life.

Much like relationships you have and really want to put the effort in, you have to keep things fresh and exciting; if you are just going to get stuck in a rut and start taking your partner for granted (both genders), don't be all of a sudden surprised if the relationship/marriage starts going south, a relationship is only as strong as the foundations upon which it is built.

Potential-Monke · 14-01-2021 1:05am

If the law was changed tomorrow to give co-habiting couples of x years the same rights as married couples, would people still get married? That's the bigger question I reckon.

Church on Tuesday · 14-01-2021 1:12am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

If the law was changed tomorrow to give co-habiting couples of x years the same rights as married couples, would people still get married? That's the bigger question I reckon.

But a lot of people want to get married as an expression of their love, not just for legal benefits either.

kildare lad · 14-01-2021 1:13am

Seen to many marriage break ups and it works out worse for men . Seen it in my own family with the mother left the house even though the kids didn't live with her anymore . The uncle had to buy a house that ended up in ****e during the recession . The amount of men that have to go renting rooms or living back with their parents after the split is enough to put me off even getting married . I suppose if you fine the right partner it's worth it. If you love someone , a ring shouldn't make any difference

14-01-2021 1:28am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Thing is, the model of yesteryear doesn't apply to modern times. There can be no models to look up to when the world is changing as quick as it is these times. Someone mentioned that the divorce rate in Ireland is very low, and I agree with the person who rebutted saying that's because divorce was never really an option up to a decade or two ago, not in Ireland anyway. The option was there, but it was too complicated and society shunned it, so many people continue on with their lives unhappily.

Like the poster above, my ideal relationship would be living separately and having your own life, but at times you share, events, weddings, etc. People do not give themselves enough me time, and when they do get it they don't know what to do and feel depressed and lonely. I also realise what i'm looking for will be the golden goose, especially if they also match up to my very high standards, so I'm also happy to keep on going the way I am. Do I miss sex? Yes. Do I miss it enough to jump into a relationship and get married at some point? Hells no. Nothing wrong with a ****.

Growing up in a home where there is no obvious love displayed between both parents will I believe have a negative impact on the adult child. An example would be a 60yr old woman who grew up in a home filled with stiff upper lips and dominance.

If she raises her head above the parapet she is quickly shot down and must always be the 'good girl". Decades later she is coming to terms with those early experiences and tackling the root cause of numerology failed relationships.

Yes times were different but humans were still human and the capacity to cause both pain and joy were still present. The power of our family of origin must never be under estimated when it comes to how we manage interpersonal dynamics.

Canis Lupus · 14-01-2021 1:40am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

If the law was changed tomorrow to give co-habiting couples of x years the same rights as married couples, would people still get married? That's the bigger question I reckon.

Does Ireland have defacto relationships? Here in QLD once you've been living together for x number of years (you can officially register it as well which we did for visa reasons) you get almost all the same rights as if you were married.

Seems the easiest way to go.

Girl in work has been planning a massive wedding back home in Ireland although she's living permanently in Aus now and intends to stay for life. They rent and I'm like.... Would you not put the thousands and thousands you're spending on your show off wedding back in the local parish into a house here instead.

Church on Tuesday · 14-01-2021 1:51am

kildare lad wrote: »

Seen to many marriage break ups and it works out worse for men . Seen it in my own family with the mother left the house even though the kids didn't live with her anymore . The uncle had to buy a house that ended up in ****e during the recession . The amount of men that have to go renting rooms or living back with their parents after the split is enough to put me off even getting married . I suppose if you fine the right partner it's worth it. If you live someone a ring shouldn't make any difference

I made a fairly glib comment a few pages back about why this is why you get a pre nup (which seemingly is useless here anyways) but on reflection and honestly having seen some of my friends/relatives in happy marriages for a good few years now it's too much of a generalisation to make.

I think, in an ideal world, there should be some kind of practical legal agreement in place with both parties to make sure if things do go wrong, for whatever reason, that both parties should come out of the divorce fairly secure. No man should be left destitute as a result of a failed marriage. It's simply not morally right.

But again, as I mentioned above, it boils down to how sure you are of the person you will be married to in the first place.

Strumms · 14-01-2021 2:04am

kildare lad wrote: »

Seen to many marriage break ups and it works out worse for men . Seen it in my own family with the mother left the house even though the kids didn't live with her anymore . The uncle had to buy a house that ended up in ****e during the recession . The amount of men that have to go renting rooms or living back with their parents after the split is enough to put me off even getting married . I suppose if you fine the right partner it's worth it. If you live someone a ring shouldn't make any difference

If I own a house. I get married, she wants to move in, I want her to, it’s staying as my house...it’s her home, our home but in the event of things going arse over armpit... still my property.

If i have 30 grand in savings from before we were married, it’s up to me to decide how that is spent...

If I want to throw a big chunk of that in a joint account to get us started, my call, but some remaining in my personal account my decision . Same for her, have her stash.... I’m not gonna be making a grab for it...

My mother always had that view in marriage, you never sacrifice your financial independence or leave yourself without what you worked hard to amass.

14-01-2021 2:04am

A lot of the downsides seem to have people confused between marrying and impregnating the wrong woman

Now, imo, either is fairly careless

But theres nary a judge in ireland who is going to approve a severely punitive settlement against a childless man and his erstwhile adoréd

But what do ye want? Sprogs is expensive and sprogs with two single parents isnt any cheaper

Put a cap on it or be careful where ye shoot it boys, ye'll be sound

But tisnt marriage that is out to get ye either way

jelem · 14-01-2021 2:24am

you ask the question so you not in solid mind.
Do Not

Fact humans change and many not as flexable as they claim.
the ultimate catch 22 = marriage

Marriage: is it worth it?

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