average recession wedding gift??

dresstoimpress wrote: »

Can I throw the cat among the pigeons here.....
I work part time in a shop that sells typical wedding gifts, crystal, silver, dinnerware ect. And the ammount of people I have served who bought a CRAPPY box of 40e crystal glasses as a couple going to a whole wedding because of the recession.. blah... blah.... Only later in the conversation to mention their new outfits, the fact that they are staying in the hotel, drinking for the whole weekend and so on.
Drives me mad, people being so selfish!! :mad::mad::mad:
I've been on a budget going to a wedding and spent the day on the dry and drove home, gave the couple my drinking money as their present. A wedding is about celebrating the couple getting married not scabbing a free meal and bottle of wine!!:mad::mad:
Sorry for the rant!!
Just so many people with plenty of money using the downturn as a chance to be tight....

Actually I feel the opposite.
I would prefer my friends and family to give me a modest present and really enjoy their day, have a couple of drinks and stay over at the hotel than for them to give me a decent present or cash gift with their 'drinking money', not drink and drive home that night.

billybigunz; banned for a week.

Cincikchick wrote: »

Tim obviously has never heard of the general rule of good manners which is to be grateful for whatever you get and bear in mind its the thought that counts!

Eh - what sort of argument is that?
If someone gives you a gun should you be grateful as well.

Tim, sorry but your attitude comes across like a spoiled child who didn't get what he wanted from Santa - right people bought crap presents, they wasted THEIR money, not yours, you had no use for the presents. Boo hoo, get over it. Its not the end of the world - if you were not expecting or relying (or whatever you care to call it) cash then you would not still be so hung up on it!

Spoilt child - I thought there was a general rule on boards (and unlike your general ruls on good manners - this is in writing) that you attack the post not poster.

(one thought for a possible present......a short course of ettiquette lessons - for those people really who need to learn some manners! )

What makes you think your manners are better than anyone elses? That's extremley self-righteous.

tinkerbell wrote: »

And to the poster (Tim Robbins was it??) who says about putting cash presents towards the mortgage, then if it's that important for you, then you should've not spent €10k-€15k or whatever the amount was on your wedding and put that towards your mortgage instead. It is very easy to have a wedding on a budget, you do not need to spend a five figure sum to get a "budget" wedding.

It wasn't critical to put the money towards the mortgage, the present of money was just very much appreciated and the useless presents weren't.

Rather than debate what I am saying, several people here are intent on mispresenting my argument because I have re-iterated it several times. Those who oppose my argument refuse to answer specific questions I put to them. The same questions I put to Cathy, are applicable to anyone who opposes my argument which is quite simply:

1. I don't have the right to tell other people what they have the right to expect as their presents. Nor does anyone else. It's a silly baseless moral highground argument that can't be backed up with even a modicum of logic.

2. I much prefer and I am greatly appreciative of anyone who gave me money as present. That goes for any present right now not just Wedding.

3. I am not appreciative of cr*p presents because they are cr*p and useless.
Obviously I am appreciative of those people in other ways otherwise they wouldn't have made it on the list and I wouldn't be friends with them.

4. I believe depending on your personal circumstances your frame of references are going to be different on this one. If you were a millionare, you'd hardly appreciate someone giving you 150 euro. But if you were in negative equity and on the dole you would.

But just because your frame of references are different does not give you the right to put your baseless morality on other people.

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Well some cultures go a little bit further than giving money as gifts.
Recommend you this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_dance

I like it:D 2 euro for a quick foxtrot..take that recession!:P

Tim Robbins wrote: »

It wasn't critical to put the money towards the mortgage, the present of money was just very much appreciated and the useless presents weren't.

Rather than debate what I am saying, several people here are intent on mispresenting my argument because I have re-iterated it several times. Those who oppose my argument refuse to answer specific questions I put to them. The same questions I put to Cathy, are applicable to anyone who opposes my argument which is quite simply:

1. I don't have the right to tell other people what they have the right to expect as their presents. Nor does anyone else. It's a silly baseless moral highground argument that can't be backed up with even a modicum of logic.

2. I much prefer and I am greatly appreciative of anyone who gave me money as present. That goes for any present right now not just Wedding.

3. I am not appreciative of cr*p presents because they are cr*p and useless.
Obviously I am appreciative of those people in other ways otherwise they wouldn't have made it on the list and I wouldn't be friends with them.

4. I believe depending on your personal circumstances your frame of references are going to be different on this one. If you were a millionare, you'd hardly appreciate someone giving you 150 euro. But if you were in negative equity and on the dole you would.

But just because your frame of references are different does not give you the right to put your baseless morality on other people.

They aren't actually questions so I don't know what you want from people?

And I don't think other people are seeing this as a debate. I'm fine with disagreeing with you, I don't need to persuade you. You seem to have a belief that there is a definitive right and wrong in this situation, I don't. I think it's perfectly possibly for everyone to hold different views in this situation. I think it's perfectly OK to make moral judgements on different actions, behaviours and responses by other people.

And there are other things I have asked you that you have not responded to. For instance, if you invited me to your 40th birthday party would you feel entitled to expect a cash gift from me? And if not, why not?

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Eh - what sort of argument is that?
If someone gives you a gun should you be grateful as well.



Spoilt child - I thought there was a general rule on boards (and unlike your general ruls on good manners - this is in writing) that you attack the post not poster.



What makes you think your manners are better than anyone elses? That's extremley self-righteous.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Tim, this is not a philosophical debate on morality or the rights of others to 'scold'. Its about giving a present of money to a wedding couple. The question is what amount to "expect" as a monetary gift. I think the general consensus is that for most couples cash is an appreciated gift and if in doubt give cash. However to expect X amount as a minimum is misguided and this is the objection most people have when asked 'how much money can I expect in gifts' - you cannot EXPECT anything as you might be disappointed, you might hope to get a few quid from most people, but this is a bonus and not something you should rely upon to fund your wedding.

IMO you are dragging this into a morality debate, or a philosophical pondering or something!

The reason you may feel attacked or judged is because to many of us, quite frankly your comments about useless gifts and calling guests who took the time and expense to attend your wedding, stupid, with no cop on for buying you something you didn't want is just rude and you are portraying yourself as hard done by because, god love you, you got some glasses you didn't want.

As I said before, build a bridge and get over it. Seriously....Let.It.Go!

Tim Robbins wrote: »

The hole point of philosophy is that you try to make decisions rationally. You try to give reasons for your beliefs and opinions. So what do you mean it's not a philosophical debate? Are you saying this is something you wish to approach completly non-rationally?
.

Seriously, it's NOT a philosophical debate. Why must you so frequently derail every discussion into debates about logic and rationality?! That is your choice on how to approach any and every issue, but it doesn't mean it is the right one or only one.

You passed judgment on people who didn't put enough thought or effort into the presents they bought. Others passed judgment on people who plan cash gifts into their wedding budget. Others passed judgment on people who do not appreciate the gifts they are given if they are not good enough.

We've all passed judgment. We are all allowed to have opinions about right or wrong or the best way to conduct ourselves. You seem to believe that is not OK. That's fine! Now let's just leave it at that!

You say that if we can show you what's wrong specifically with your argument, you'll admit it. But what you consistently fail to hear, is that no one particularly wants to do that! Most people are happy for everyone to hold different opinions! And just because we all disagree it doesn't mean that some of us are actually objectively right, while the rest have some sort of logic deficit that needs to be pointed out to them so that they can 'understand'.

You seem determined to tell people what opinions they can and can't hold and it gets really really tiring. We get that you've read a philosophy book, and that's great, but bring it to the philosophy forum.

Kooli wrote: »

We get that you've read a philosophy book, and that's great, but bring it to the philosophy forum.

ya beat me to it!

Kooli wrote: »

You passed judgment on people who didn't put enough thought or effort into the presents they bought. Others passed judgment on people who plan cash gifts into their wedding budget. Others passed judgment on people who do not appreciate the gifts they are given if they are not good enough.

We've all passed judgment. We are all allowed to have opinions about right or wrong or the best way to conduct ourselves. You seem to believe that is not OK. That's fine! Now let's just leave it at that!

The difference is I try to back my opinions up.

What are the presents useless? Because they serve no use.
Why is money appreciated? Because it serves a very good use.
Can I see a good reason for judging someone else's expectations about their presents? No.

When others are pressed to back up their opinions, they can't. It seems like nothing more than baseless and self righteous moral preaching.

And it's ridiculous that just because someone mentions the word philosophy they get told to go to another forum.

By your logic, if I went to the philosophy forum and mentioned the word "Wedding", I should go to the Wedding forum. Your argument beats itself.

Tim Robbins banned for a week.

I'm going to leave the thread open for now, but if it continues on as it has for the last few pages I'll lock it.

TonyD79 wrote: »

And for those people who say why copy america well we do it in everything else! Also the norm in the states is $200!!

Well if we were to copy the States and the way they hold weddings we would have to provide free bar for the whole wedding.

The weddings would also be held over a few hours with dancing happening during the dinner.

They tend to finish up about 9pm or 10pm.

*eadaoin wrote: »

tbh i think there are some good points brought up in this thread. when i give a gift to someone i think long and hard about what i'll give to them, regardless of what kind of budget i have i'll always do my best to get something i know they will appreciate.

otherwise i kind of feel like i'm wasting my money, whats the point in my spending hard earned cash on something the receiver will only end up throwing out or giving to a charity shop? that'd be incredibly wasteful, especially in these times when people don't have much to spare. god knows i've had to get rid of lots of things over the years myself, many of us here will have (i even read a post here where someone said that their local charity shop did well out of their wedding), i don't want to buy the same kind of presents for people that will just end up in oxfam, i'd rather give something i know will either be used or loved and if i can't do that then a cash gift is the answer (who of us haven't ended up with vouchers for shops we rarely/never use).

sure you can ask that the other person simply appreciate the fact that you gave them any kind of gift at all, but how can i expect someone to be grateful for something i know is of no use to them? why would i waste my own money like that?

I think there are precious few people who go to weddings bringing gifts that they know are of no use to the couple. The couple may see the gift as useless but that doesn't mean a person didn't spend an awful lot of time thinking of something they think would be appreciated.

I know my sister goes out of her way and spends months in advance planning gifts for christmas. She gets it right only half the time :rolleyes:, but she puts so much heart and effort into it, you can't help but appreciate it.

hunnymonster wrote: »

I wish this was true. We got 6 set of wine glasses as engagement presents. Neither of us drink. I get the feeling there is a lot of re-gifting goes on :-)

On the other hand my husband can't drink so I almost never do either but we still have wine glasses for when we have people over to dinner. And we ourselves use the wine glasses for drinks like Amé/sparkling cordials.

It just makes the meal feel like more of an occasion than if we were drinking from a tumbler.:o

Eta: I also have martini glasses and champagne flutes and I sometimes use the different glasses if I'm making individual desserts like mousse or sorbet.

Kooli wrote: »

I don't think anyone is disagreeing that cash is a good present.

I am one of the people who thinks that it's cheeky to ask for cash, but I am also someone who would be DELIGHTED with cash!

The fact that cash is more useful, and can be put to anything, is undisputable. But if we're to only use that as a guide, do we want to start only giving cash at every occasion? Why not only give cash as 18th, 21st, 30th birthday presents? Why not give each other cash at Christmas or at an engagement party? The fact is still the same that cash is probably more useful than a lot of the birthday/engagement/Christmas presents people have gotten over the years, but we still give those presents. Which makes me think that the reason it has become acceptable/normal at weddings to give cash is because of the implicit assumption (popularised by Eddie Hobbes I think!) that you are helping to foot the bill for the event itself!!

I think there's something a bit soul-less about just handing over envelopes of cash for important occasions. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I still like the idea of having a 'something' that someone gave me. That's why I prefer vouchers to cash, because I can still buy a 'something' that I think of as coming from that person, and would often tell them what I bought. I'd like to think I'd do the same with cash, but it's much less likely.

it just seems from a lot of what i've heard from couples about the wedding gifts they've received (quite a few on this thread too) that quite a percentage of them end up either in the attic or being sent to a local charity shop.

i think it's fantastic if you give something that you know someone will love and want to keep as a treasured gift from you, and that's the best answer when it comes to giving imo, but realistically it seems that most weddings gifts given these days are really just not like that. we're holding onto a tradition of giving people things they might need for a new home and life together, when in modern life we often just simply don't need these kinds of gifts all in one go.

birthdays & christmas should be treated just the same, if i'm not putting enough thought into getting someone a gift that i know they'll actually like then what's the point? it's essentially a waste of my money if they're just going to get rid of it. weddings are more difficult because it's a couple you're buying for, it's not just something nice for a close friend/family member. i think vouchers can work well for birthdays etc if you know there's a particular shop that the person loves, but for weddings it's different as there's two people involved and if they don't need homeware items then it gets difficult to find a shop that suits both people. if we're being straightforward about it there's not much difference between a voucher and cash anyway as essentially a voucher is cash but just for one particular place.

i don't believe there's any shame in asking for cash as a wedding gift, especially if someone is asking you what you would really like, where is the shame in being honest with them, everyone knows how times are tough lately? wedding guests are usually your closest friends and relatives, if you can't be honest with those people about your needs then who can you? there's nothing souless in an envelope of cash if it's meant in earnest to help you begin your married life with a litte boost, there is however something souless in regifting an unwanted gift just for the sake of getting rid of it or giving something you're well aware will just end up in a charity shop.

Toots* wrote: »

I also had an elderly couple come in to the branch where I work looking to do a transfer to an account, and when I asked them for the account details for the beneficiary, they handed me a wedding invitation with a little bit at the end saying that if you were giving a gift, the couple would appreciate a contribution towards their honeymoon. It gave a bank account and sort code!!!!! I think my jaw must have dropped, because the couple just laughed and said that was their reaction when they opened the invitation too. It was their grandson (I think) getting married, and his mother had flipped when she saw the invitations, apparently she had spent the morning ringing all the elderly relatives to apologise, because a lot of them got offended!

I think if you really want cash gifts, then ask a couple of family members or members of the wedding party to put the word out. Most relatives will probably ask your parents etc if there's anything specific you'd like, so they can say that you'd probably prefer cash. I think this is the most tasteful way to do it, rather than actually putting it in writing.

oops! putting your bank account details on the invite is a little tactless perhaps! it kind of suggests they're asking a bit too much of their guests i don't think it's good to make people think they're providing all the funding for your wedding day or honeymoon.

i think you have it right though, if people ask then simply let them know what you'd prefer!

*eadaoin wrote: »

i honestly just don't understand people with this kind of attitude, it strikes me as just plain mean and immature. if you don't want to give cash as a present for your own principles that's absolutely fine, but punishing people because we don't approve of how they asked is just bizarre, especially couples who obviously consider you important enough to want to celebrate such a wonderful event with them.

what does it say about how we feel about a bride & groom and why are we going to their wedding at all if it's possible to be this flippant about how we treat them? and essentially it's yourself you're shooting in the foot at the end of the day if you end up spending your money on something they're just going to throw away, it's your own money down the drain, not theirs.

they're not asking you to pay for the privelage of coming to their wedding, of course they're not. but they're well aware that history has given us a tradition of giving homeware presents to couples getting married and that you're likely to bring some kind of gift for thier house. they're asking you not to give them something they don't need but to help them with something they genuinely need instead. it doesn't mean they're expecting everyone to cough up or only strictly give them cash. and it doesn't mean they're asking their guests to pay for the wedding, i seriously doubt that any couple getting married expect that cash gifts will sort them out for all the costs or to run a profit from their big day.

if someone asks for money as a gift i'm more than happy to help, especially considering they're someone who i'm close enough to be celebrating such a a big day with. i want to give them whatever they need the most and if that's a set of wine glasses for their new house then that's great, but if they need cash either then whats the problem with giving them that instead and what is so wrong with them being able to actually be honest and ask me for what they really want?

I'm far from mean and further from immature..i just think it's very bad manners to ask for money outright, be it for a christening, communion, birthday or wedding and to put in a poem stating either give us money or dont give us anything is putting unneccesary pressure on people. when you get an invite like that, how can you possibly then turn around and NOT give money? What if someone has already purchased a present and then this arrives on the mat with the dresses up "give us money" poem in it..I just think it's down right rude .. others don't agree and that's fine but that's my feeling on it and by blood starts boiling as soon as I see these types of invites..there are 5 couples who have pulled out of attending a wedding becasue of this sort of thing..expected to travel miles to a wedding, pay for accommodation, buy their outfit, pay for petrol as they want to share the day with the couple and then get asked for money also thrown into the bargain

bad manners..won't ever change my mind on this