Your future wife/life partner - is it "when you know, you know"?

riveratom · 20-09-2019 1:41pm #1

Gents, I wanted to ask about how and when you knew your girlfriend or wife was the one for you. Hopefully this is ok for this forum as I wanted to get the opinion of guys who are married or who are with a long-term partner they see themselves being with forever!

Now, by asking the question in the title, I don't mean in the Hollywood sense of fireworks going off, but just that moment when 'you knew'.

I'm a late 30s guy and maybe wouldn't be asking this question if I was 33, so a big part of it has to be down to my age. I also haven't had many long-term relationships - in fact aside from a long-distance one around ten years ago (which doesn't count really), I haven't had any serious relationships since I was a teenager (which also probably doesn't count!).

I've spent most of my 20s and 30s single, and had gotten used to it - lots of online dating and dating in general, nights out and a couple of short-term relationships (a few months).

Fast forward to now, and I've just moved in with my gf who is in mid-30s. We've been going out just over a year and a half, and we know each other over two years. We were seeing each other for a while a couple of years back, but then parted ways before getting back together last year.

We get on well, have a laugh, have similar-ish outlooks on life and want the same things (a family, house, etc). I know she loves me and wants a future with me. I do love and care about her and enjoy her company. She is kind, fun (most of the time!), and we have shared interests.

But....I'm wondering if I feel enough for her. The simplest way I can put it is that when I look at her, I don't have this 'wow' or 'I'm really lucky' feeling that you would expect to have when you are looking at someone who you feel might become your future wife. Starting out it was me who was keen to define if we were an item, and I was the one 'in pursuit', so to speak.

Now though, everything feels a lot more 'settled' and while I know that's to be expected, it feels a bit early for that to be happening. Surely the first couple of years should be a bit more 'whirlwind-like', at least up until after you get married, provided that's what you both want?

I think it's down to two factors:

1) I did enjoy being single and part of me kinda misses the single, dating and all that jazz - even if it's certainly not without its disappointments. I notice girls checking me out here and there and I think 'hmm'. I know that's not uncommon and while I would never pursue anyone else, it does make me wonder if I am really ready to settle down.

2) While we do have shared interests, we are also quite different in many ways, something I am coming to realise more now that we're living together.

Examples:

She struggles with her weight and while she wasn't really slim when we started seeing each other (both times), she did put on a lot of weight in the first few months of going out together.
She has since lost some of that and while she is making an effort in going back to the gym, it's not something she enjoys and she has admitted she would prefer to be on the couch in the evenings eating sweets and watching TV.

On the other hand, I've lost a lot of weight over the past couple of years (not that I was huge or anything), to the extent that I look quite different. I enjoy working out and walk all the time.

I also read, have multiple side projects on the go in addition to my day job, have a wide range of interests. My gf mainly just works and doesn't have much energy for anything else (she does have a fairly busy job though).

Maybe these factors are playing a part, but I'm not sure. I like to think I'll get married within the next couple of years, but is it a case of 'knowing when you know', or something else?

Do you just enjoy it for what it is for now, or should you have some sort of idea of when it should happen, and if it doesn't - you have to assess things?

s7ryf3925pivug · 20-09-2019 1:54pm

Couldn't tell you. There wasn't any specific moment. Just a strong relationship, solid trust, we like each other no weird desires to make fundamental changes. Perceived she would be a good mother, respect her intelligence, happy with the genetic material. Not some perfect thing, she wrecks my brain sometimes and we have fights about the same **** over again, normal domestic stuff like housework. But I suppose the things that stand out as different from other relationships would be the solid fundamental trust and acceptance of each other.

Benicetomonty · 20-09-2019 3:29pm

For me, it was a case of I knew Id never do any better! Anytime I think of my wife, I always think of the Lady Astor quote: "I married beneath me. All women do".
In my wife's case, the above applies.

bitofabind · 20-09-2019 5:44pm

Do you fancy your OH?

Maybe it's your lack of relationship experience showing, but i don't think the butterflies and whirlwind Hollywood moments are a good measure of whether someone will be a compatible long-term partner at all. for me that kind of relationship has mostly been full of drama. most solid couples i know that are together decades are best friends more than anything and compatible on all the boring life stuff (finances, religious beliefs maybe, wanting kids etc) and the relationship is pretty even-keeled rather than a pattern of passionate highs and lows.

you do need to fancy your partner though.

bitofabind · 20-09-2019 6:11pm

Bondetf wrote: »

Most people don't.

eh?

20-09-2019 6:15pm

Bondetf wrote: »

Most people don't.

Hello old friend.

Anyway OP,

I was with her a few weeks thinking how lucky I was to be with this person, pretty, intelligent... and most of all thinking I was great. So, I knew this person was special.

I remember failing exams and she didn't and I thought I'd lose her. Balled my eyes out the week of the exam results thinking this. But, she wasn't letting me go that easily.

And Reader, I married her.

TimeToShine · 20-09-2019 6:29pm

I feel for you OP. I've been in a few of long term relationships (a year or so) as well as shorter ones and didn't quite get the whirlwind/ love at first sight thing you're talking about. I cared deeply for my partners and they were wonderful people but the magic so to speak wasn't there.

However, and this might not be great news, towards the end of my year travelling I met a girl who didn't speak a word of English and my goodness it was like something you'd see in a movie - absolutely electric from day one (and I don't even mean the sex). My Spanish was half decent at the time and we travelled together for 3 weeks before parting ways and every moment was just as much of a whirlwind as you'd see in the most romantic of novels. I actually remember thinking at the time that this simply wasn't possible, we could just about communicate and couldn't discuss abstract topics so how could this be happening? I'd spoken to hundreds if not thousand of girls in my life and had never felt this way before, what was going on? The whole affair felt and still feels surreal, I'm starting to doubt it even happened now. I have met countless women since through various avenues and nothing has come close to that experience.

In the end we dropped out of contact because I started losing my Spanish + she lived on the other side of the world with little to no possibility of coming to Europe...I suppose the point of this story is that I really didn't and don't think that kind of romance exists but it took me travelling the world solo for nigh on a year to meet someone from a completely different life to mine in highly unusual circumstances without a first language in common for it to happen...so surely the probability of that Irish girl from the town over being that person are slim to none?

Slasher · 23-09-2019 8:40am

It seems to me you and she are very different - too much.

"and she has admitted she would prefer to be on the couch in the evenings eating sweets and watching TV."
This is obviously a concern for you, and is most unlikely to change. This is an alarm bell! Don't marry her and spend the rest of your life hoping she will lose the weight - she most probably won't.

pwurple · 23-09-2019 8:50am

Slasher wrote: »

It seems to me you and she are very different - too much.

"and she has admitted she would prefer to be on the couch in the evenings eating sweets and watching TV."
This is obviously a concern for you, and is most unlikely to change. This is an alarm bell! Don't marry her and spend the rest of your life hoping she will lose the weight - she most probably won't.

Ah boardsies, come on now. She eats sweets sometimes and watches TV. ALARM BELLS

Really?

Much better to be alone and never have a family than put up with that, amirite?

Swear to goodness, if I dumped my husband for eating biscuits....

23-09-2019 8:53am

Slasher wrote: »

It seems to me you and she are very different - too much.

"and she has admitted she would prefer to be on the couch in the evenings eating sweets and watching TV."
This is obviously a concern for you, and is most unlikely to change. This is an alarm bell! Don't marry her and spend the rest of your life hoping she will lose the weight - she most probably won't.

I second this. This is her making a huge effort. Once she gets the ring on a couple of stone will be added. She's also on the time slot to have babies soon before it's too late - it's quite possible you are mainly just the vehicle for this.

There should be some sparks at leaat.

Wibbs · 23-09-2019 9:02am

pwurple wrote: »

Ah boardsies, come on now. She eats sweets sometimes and watches TV. ALARM BELLS

Really?

Much better to be alone and never have a family than put up with that, amirite?

Swear to goodness, if I dumped my husband for eating biscuits....

It's not just eating sweets sometimes. Going by the OP's post it's a fundamental difference between them. He likes being active, fit and thin and she doesn't to nearly the same degree. She's put on weight since they got together and has told him what he's into is not her thing and she'd prefer to chill on the couch eating sweets and watching TV. Which is fine, if two people are on the same basic page. It's not fine if they're not, because something that fundamental is not going to change, or change for long.

One thing I have learned down the years you should always listen to someone telling you something, because most people are honest about such things and more fool you if you don't hear them, because down the line they'll quite naturally and understandably wonder what the issue is because I told him/her repeatedly this is who I am. The issue is you didn't listen to them and the fault is yours.

Another thing I've learned down the years is the "little thing(s)" you ignored in the first flush of a relationship is almost always the sticking point for the rest of the relationship or the thing that breaks it up.

ashes2014 · 23-09-2019 9:21am

OP, your definitely giving it serious thought which is good. From a female point of view, I knew I wanted to be with my husband because I thought he was a lovely person and I knew I would miss him desperately if we were not together. How would you feel if you were not with your gf? Would you be heartbroken? Would you miss her being around?

With us,there is not sparks all the time-there can't be cos work, kids, life etc but there definitely is some of the time. We are together over 7 years and I still think he is amazing. Saying that, you do have to accept each other cos everyone annoys each other sometimes.

farmchoice · 23-09-2019 12:34pm

you could probably have a happy life together if you chose to, you seem to knock along alright. you do have to accept though that she will probably get a bit fat and struggle with her weight, her and half the country.

if your priority is getting a reasonably skinny woman and keeping her skinny then at the age bracket you are in your options are getting limited.
ask yourself this question and answer honestly(no bull**** about its not the weight its the lifestyle) ''if she was thinner would a lot of my doubts disappear'' if the answer is yes then you have all the information about her and about you you need to make your decision.

bitofabind · 23-09-2019 1:45pm

i don't think it's unreasonable to 1. be attracted to slimmer women or 2. expect to find someone (slimmer) that you are attracted to. there are reams of those types of people around, you're just not likely to find them knocking back 10 G&Ts down the local pub.

i guess it's down to whether or not the weight / lifestyle thing is a dealbreaker, figuring that out and taking action on it. ultimately i think her self-esteem will suffer massively if this is something you can't get over and yet you decide to stick things out with her.

farmchoice · 23-09-2019 3:28pm

bitofabind wrote: »

i don't think it's unreasonable to 1. be attracted to slimmer women or 2. expect to find someone (slimmer) that you are attracted to. there are reams of those types of people around, you're just not likely to find them knocking back 10 G&Ts down the local pub.

i guess it's down to whether or not the weight / lifestyle thing is a dealbreaker, figuring that out and taking action on it. ultimately i think her self-esteem will suffer massively if this is something you can't get over and yet you decide to stick things out with her.

i didn't want to give the impression that i think its unreasonable or there is anything wrong with it, its just that you have to decide and you have to prioritize what you want.

if you feel that even if she was thinner then the doubts would be still there, then in a sense the problem is ''her'' and your decision is easy.
if on the other hand you think'' god if i knew she was going to loses a few pounds and stay that way id definitely see us together long term'' then you know what your own priorities are when it comes to a partner, and you can pick them accordingly in the future, but for your own sake id rule out having any children with any of them obviously.

CelticRambler · 23-09-2019 6:20pm

Several posts above have made reference to this lady's weight being a potential deal-breaker; I'd be much more concerned about the line : My gf mainly just works and doesn't have much energy for anything else (she does have a fairly busy job though).

I can well understand her not wanting to go to the gym after work - myself, I've never set foot in a gym and hope I never do, and can't understand people who go for a run or do any other form of exercise for exercise's sake. But there's obviously something wrong with her work-life-diet balance if she "fairly busy" enough to be wrecked at the end of the day, yet not burning off calories while she's working. So what's going on there?

And whatver the job is, she doesn't have much energy for "anything else" - does that include doing things with the OP? Does she want that to change, or is she happy in that worn-out-every-evening routine? Does she put in for days off specifically to go places with the OP? Who organises nights out, weekends away, holidays ...?

It's dead easy to be "comfortable" with someone who doesn't encroach too much on your physical or mental space, but you'd get the same "return on investment" from a dog or a decent armchair. The real test of a relationship, as Sagats_knee made reference to, are the hell-and-highwater times. That's when you need someone who won't just put up with any old sh1te for an easy life, and will get up off their ar5e to make stuff happen.

24-09-2019 9:29am

riveratom wrote: »

I don't mean in the Hollywood sense of fireworks going off, but just that moment when 'you knew'.

I was with the GFs for awhile before I knew that I wanted to be with them forever. I guess how and when I knew was when I realised that all the plans I was making in my life - and all the roads and paths in life I imagined myself walking - I could no longer see myself walking without them.

Every picture I had of my future and where I wanted to be in that future - and who I wanted by my side when I hit certain mile stones and life events - had them in the picture too. When I imagined highs in my life - they are always the ones I wanted to run to to tell about them. The lows - they are the ones I knew I could rely on like a rock. And when I imagined their highs and lows I felt the same in reverse.

I simply could no longer see a future without them in it. Nor did I want to. So then I just knew.

I guess for many people a relationship is their goal in life or one of their goals. For me my relationship is the person or people who I want walking beside me on my goals and paths in life. And I simply can not imagine wanting to walk with anyone but them. If our relationship broke down - I doubt I would ever pursue another one again. I can imagine no one else I want to walk those paths with now. I would prefer to walk them alone.

riveratom wrote: »

Surely the first couple of years should be a bit more 'whirlwind-like', at least up until after you get married, provided that's what you both want?

I think the moment you start thinking in terms of "shoulds" and "musts" you are already on the wrong track. There is no such "shoulds". Everyone is different. The graph of every relationships will be different. Some people do indeed have the initial highs on the graph and then settle down to a constant. Other people start low and it just gets better until it comes to some kind of constant. Others never find a constant and it is a never ending series of highs and/or lows. Others start at the constant and it never changes.

The trick is to find the graph that is working for you - not wondering if your graph fits some imaginary "should" template of how you feel it should be.

Ask yourself what _you_ want from a relationship and your future and your development and your life goals and your milestones in life. Ask how _you_ want those things to interact. Then and only then look at your relationship and decide if it is fitting what you laid out or not. If it is not then no amount of highs or whirlwinds is going to sustain it. It will possibly fail or leave you disillusioned eventually. So consider letting it go - or consider if changes can be made to rectify. If it is fitting the requirements however - then hold on to it - or at least do not ditch it because it does not fit some external template of what someone or something has led you to believe relationships "should" be like.

riveratom wrote: »

I did enjoy being single and part of me kinda misses the single, dating and all that jazz - even if it's certainly not without its disappointments.

The grass is always greener as they say. Single people more often than not appear to me to want to be in relationships. People in relationships are more often than not in my experience wistful for the times they were single. The fact is both have their advantages much of the time - so when in one we will often think of the things we miss from the other.

It is not just true in relationships either. We can feel that way in other parts of our life. When we change job the new job might have advantages - but we miss certain things about the old job too. Or I find myself working now for many years and missing being a University student in academia and wistful that I would love to go back to that. But I would sacrifice much money and autonomy and control to do that in my life.

We can never have all of everything all of the time. We have to be strong and make a choice and follow it through eventually. Find the choice or choices that fits as many of our goals and desires as possible and realise there are almost always compromises and sacrifices to be made. I can simply not do _all_ the things with my life I would dearly love to. So I pick and choose the best combination I can - and regretfully but mindfully let the rest go.

riveratom wrote: »

2) While we do have shared interests, we are also quite different in many ways, something I am coming to realise more now that we're living together.

"I know there is strength
In the differences between us
And I know there is comfort
Where we overlap"
--> Ani DiFranco

Would you want it to be a perfect 1:1 match though? If you were not different in many ways you would be dating - well yourself. What would be pleasurable in that? Would people watch soap operas if the people on the screen matched us in every way? Or do they watch them because they are looking at lives different to their own?

I love the commonalities I have with my girlfriends. We share a lot of interests. We actively found new interests to share too. When we decided to go serious with our relationship we decided to start studying things like Capoeira and Brazilian JuJitsu together. And this has been one of the pillars of our relationship.

But they are very different from me in many ways too. And I love those differences. They are interesting to me. I share their lives with them where we overlap. But where we differ I watch them with pride and interest and excitement. Always keen to hear the next bit of news from their lives like the next episode of a good soap or the next chapter of a good book.

So cherish the differences but why not also find new commonalities like we did? Something that is not only an interest you share - but is "yours" because you started it together from the beginning. The gym is also not the be all and end all of weight loss and fitness. I hate the places having only been to them a couple of times. For me running and combat training is where it is at. And they keep me remarkably fit. And for me any fitness regime - like going to a gym - is doomed to fail if it is a chore rather than a passion. Eventually I would stop bothering to go. But with BJJ and capoeira and running I find I am looking forward every time to the next sessions. A highlight of my week every time.

Maybe have this conversation with here however. If she is mostly only working and is too tired to do anything else in life - explore with her if she is happy with that. Ask here if in 10 years she looks back and realised she did nothing with her life but work and sleep it off - would she be content with that? Many would be! Many would no. Explore it with her. Perhaps it will reveal she needs a change of job or career or life path. Or perhaps she will reveal she is content to go on exactly like that forever. Which might answer some of your questions for you.

In my relationship one thing above all has been key. One corner stone without which our relationship would have failed years ago. Communication. And it does not always come over night. It often comes with at least one person opening up lines of communication. Small ones. And letting them develop and enlarge over time - never neglecting them or letting them devolve. You are wondering about your future together - then that is something perhaps you should be wondering - together.

H3llR4iser · 24-09-2019 5:45pm

Let's begin with the fact that the ideas around the "whirlwind of passion", the "first months of insatiable need for each other" and other bullsh1t along the same kind are exactly that - bullsh1t, mostly fabricated in works of fiction made for the fruition of impressionable teenage girls.

Problem is, these girls (and quite a few boys, actually) then grow up into adults expecting all of that to be true, oblivious to the fact different individuals have different inner workings - if I had a coin each time I was accused of being "cold" and that I should be absolutely "dying to spend every minute together", I'd be doing a great impression of Scrooge McDuck by now. Like this:

(BTW, if you're wondering - no, you can't actually swim in cash; Damn you, physics!)

riveratom wrote: »

[cut]
She struggles with her weight and while she wasn't really slim when we started seeing each other (both times), she did put on a lot of weight in the first few months of going out together.

You need to be attracted to your partner, end of the story; This is clearly bothering you enough to be such an issue you write about it here.

Some men like slimmer women, some like softer women, some like downright obese women, it's that simple. Don't let anyone shame you into something you're not ok with.

However, that's not the central issue from what I read; I agree with CelticRambler:

CelticRambler wrote: »

Several posts above have made reference to this lady's weight being a potential deal-breaker; I'd be much more concerned about the line : My gf mainly just works and doesn't have much energy for anything else (she does have a fairly busy job though).

That's the more worrisome part of it all - it pretty much sounds like she doesn't have anything going on in her life other than work...and you.

The part that raises a reaking OCEAN OF RED FLAGS, for me, is this one:

riveratom wrote: »

I also read, have multiple side projects on the go in addition to my day job, have a wide range of interests. My gf mainly just works and doesn't have much energy for anything else (she does have a fairly busy job though).

That...is not an ideal situation; You might have seen the first signs of the trouble this might spell - in the form of "Why don't you come sit here with me and watch [insert TV show] instead of doing [something you like]".

From repeated personal experience, this might easily lead to resentment and jealousy in the long run - she'll start seeing your interests and hobbies as things that take your time and attention away from her. Initially, you might be ok with it but I can guarantee it'll start to annoy the heck out of you - because it's about giving a big part of your personality up.

This dynamic is not borne out of malice or neediness, rather purely out of lack of alternatives - when people don't really have anything to make them tick, some interest or activity they look forward to after a busy day or week, they tend to "latch on" their partners and often fail to understand people who actually have things they like.

Obviously, situations can be different but...personally, I'd be evaluating the situation as it goes for now, if I were in your place. In fact, I have been, multiple times (talk about not taking one's own advice

).

CelticRambler wrote: »

I can well understand her not wanting to go to the gym after work - myself, I've never set foot in a gym and hope I never do, and can't understand people who go for a run or do any other form of exercise for exercise's sake.

:pac::pac::pac: - I actually will never understand people who ENJOY exercise, and I mean the "squat" and "jump in place" kind, not playing football/tennis/volley/basketball/karting or whatnot, these can be enjoyable as long as you like the sport (I would grow bored with any "ball sport", but I could be karting daily...if it wasn't a TAD expensive!!!)

Yet, hateful as it is, there are merits to the gym when you NEED the exercise, in terms of quickness and practicality

zapper55 · 29-09-2019 10:25am

Op you sound quite ambivalent towards her. Honestly she doesnt sound like she's the one for you.

I'm injured at the moment, watching more TV and eating sweets than is healthy for me. I can't wait til I'm in a position to be back to my long walks and hikes and just generally catching up with friends. I dont keep active for a partner I do it for me, it helps keep my mind active and I think life is too short to be stuck in the house.

My point is its either ingrained in you or it's not. She's not going to change and neither are you. She'll naturally put on weight when she's pregnant and might struggle to get rid of that. But I think if you adored her that wouldn't matter as much but you really don't.

Tell me how · 29-09-2019 10:36am

Maybe go to a therapist yourself and tease out how you feel. Or talk directly with your partner. It may be difficult, but it might be the fastest way to find out where ye truly stand.

I've this impression that a perfectly fine relationship is hanging by a thread because of subjective opinions by anonymous people on a subjective post by another anonymous person.

Given your history, you could quite easily spend the next ten years in casual relationships and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you know you want it, you might also spend it wishing you could find what you have now.

Calhoun · 30-09-2019 1:32pm

First question i suppose is do you actually love her, the way you have written your post i don't really get that you do.

What is it you work at yourself OP? Is it a hectic job like your partners? If you have a fairly handy job that doesn't stress you its hardly fair to be critical of someone who want's to relax after work. What is the breakup of the household choirs?, always a good indicator of who does what.

Are there any plans currently on the table for kids? All those hobbies you have will be severely impacted if so. Would you be ok with that?

Have you talked to her about any of this? and are you willing to compromise? Ill speak plainly it would be an absolute nightmare for me if i had to be with someone who wanted me to always be doing something. The reason my wife and I work well is we share allot of things but we also know when its ok to do our own thing.

Fundamentally only you can answer if you want to stay with her but really do consider it carefully before you do.

riveratom · 30-09-2019 5:13pm

Thanks for all the replies guys, appreciate it!

It's only a question I can answer really. While I've had many, many dates, one or two flings and a few short-term relationships all through my thirties, I haven't had any long-term ones, and so I don't really have anything to compare this too.

I also need to clarify on the point about sitting on the couch eating sweets, as that defo gave the wrong idea! While she doesn't love sport or the gym, she does have plenty going on outside of work - lots of events and activities with friends, family and so on.

We are also taking a trip together in early December, and have been away loads over the past year and a bit too. So that's all good.

One poster mentioned why do you feel you 'should' feel a certain way, and they are right - there isn't 'one feeling' you should have. I reckon it's really just a gut feeling over time that they are the one for you, and that you can't see a future without them.

The only thing is that I know she'd be devastated if we broke up tomorrow, but I would be...well I don't know how I'd feel until it happened, but I don't know if I would be devastated. I expect I'd feel empty without her, especially after a while, but I know I would move on and just see what happens, go out dating again, etc.

I know my folks (40+ years married) said it's about compatibility, not some sort of 'spark', and while you do need that too, I think I've glorified that a little bit too much in the past. We actually did have a conversation prior to moving in where I told her some of what I am saying here - that I didn't feel the way I thought I should feel, and that I was unsure about stuff. She was upset and we talked it over, and I agreed that I was maybe putting too much focus on it.

Part of me feels I am expecting too much and I have this relationship that I do enjoy the vast majority of the time (when she's not being narky or we're not narking at each other!), and I should focus on that, and where it could go in the next 1-2 years. We have talked about having kids a bit, and about buying a place together, etc, and I do like the idea of it, even if I'm clearly not quite there yet.

The other part of me feels well hold on, you shouldn't be having doubts so relatively early-on, but there's that 'should' again.

I guess it's just about focusing on the now, seeing how living together goes over the rest of this year, and listening to that instinct.

riveratom · 30-09-2019 5:21pm

I remember talking to a friend about this and she asked if I could see us having a future together.

And I will say....aside from whatever feelings - I can see us buying a place together, having kids together (I think she'd be an amazing mam/mum!)...

Calhoun · 30-09-2019 5:26pm

It's as much about compatibility as it is your ability to work as a team and compromise. You can compromise on the small stuff but you need to know your red lines when it comes to the big stuff.

It could just be cold feet as single you now has to live with someone and are responsible to them in a way.

Don't wait forever though on deciding as it's not fair on her. If she has plans of marriage and children you could really **** that up on her.

Finally really think about what you are doing, online is awash with people who broke up with someone they did love but didn't know what they wanted. The other person moves on and they remain single and unhappy.

Calhoun · 30-09-2019 5:36pm

riveratom wrote: »

I remember talking to a friend about this and she asked if I could see us having a future together.

And I will say....aside from whatever feelings - I can see us buying a place together, having kids together (I think she'd be an amazing mam/mum!)...

Do I take this to mean you would happily buy a place and have children with her?

Does she treat you well ?

30-09-2019 6:25pm

CelticRambler wrote: »

Several posts above have made reference to this lady's weight being a potential deal-breaker; I'd be much more concerned about the line : My gf mainly just works and doesn't have much energy for anything else (she does have a fairly busy job though).

I can well understand her not wanting to go to the gym after work - myself, I've never set foot in a gym and hope I never do, and can't understand people who go for a run or do any other form of exercise for exercise's sake. But there's obviously something wrong with her work-life-diet balance if she "fairly busy" enough to be wrecked at the end of the day, yet not burning off calories while she's working. So what's going on there?

And whatver the job is, she doesn't have much energy for "anything else" - does that include doing things with the OP? Does she want that to change, or is she happy in that worn-out-every-evening routine? Does she put in for days off specifically to go places with the OP? Who organises nights out, weekends away, holidays ...?

It's dead easy to be "comfortable" with someone who doesn't encroach too much on your physical or mental space, but you'd get the same "return on investment" from a dog or a decent armchair. The real test of a relationship, as Sagats_knee made reference to, are the hell-and-highwater times. That's when you need someone who won't just put up with any old sh1te for an easy life, and will get up off their ar5e to make stuff happen.

This post really rings true with me. I was in a very long relationship which ended and I have spent the best part of a year reflecting on it in the hope of not making the same mistake next time.

I know myself, I come in from work most days and am knackered so not going to the gym in the evening in itself wouldn't bother me, but my ex would spend the weekend on the couch as well playing games. She was overweight when I started going out with her, and just got bigger through the years. Despite the weight I did of course still fancy her. Still do to be honest, but it clearly bothers the OP enough that he mentioned it in his post, so it is something to be wary of.

Does she have any weekend hobbies? My ex only had one and it was gaming. Everything else took a back seat to gaming and was a contributing factor to the end of the relationship.

On top of that I was the one who organised 95% of the nights out, trips away etc. Once in a blue moon, a movie she knew I'd want to see would be in the cinema and she'd book tickets but I paid for and booked our last two foreign holidays.

Your ideal partner should be your team mate, and your best friend who you also fancy the pants off. Looking back on my relationship, there were many times when she wasn't my team mate, didnt have my back or wasn't there the way I needed.

For example, I did all the cooking, which meant I also did all the shopping. If on a night when for whatever reason I couldn't cook and I asked her to, that would be the night she'd order us a takeaway. If the OPs partner is tired from work in the evening, can I ask, who does dinner? Does she pull her weight with house work and domestic duties? If not, thats something to consider too. If you plan to settle down and have kids with them, you need an equal, and domestic bliss requires balanced domestic duties.

zapper55 · 30-09-2019 8:26pm

I think it says a lot that while shed be devastated if you broke up, you wouldnt be.

Also liking the idea of buying a home and having kids with her also sounds a bit meh. There just doesnt seem to be any excitement in your posts. Honestly I think you both deserve more.

What I would say is that if this ambivalence carries on for another few years, giving her the impression that you want kids, then in the end you break up, you could well deny her the opportunity to have kids.

So you need to really think about what you want.

nkl12xtw5goz70 · 30-09-2019 9:12pm

riveratom wrote: »

The only thing is that I know she'd be devastated if we broke up tomorrow, but I would be...well I don't know how I'd feel until it happened, but I don't know if I would be devastated. I expect I'd feel empty without her, especially after a while, but I know I would move on and just see what happens, go out dating again, etc.

I didn't have one moment when I knew my wife was the one for me -- it was more like a series of smaller moments that merged gradually over time into a larger realization of happiness and belonging.

When you truly love someone, that person is absolutely irreplaceable. Who she is and what you have together is so unique that if she left, you would definitely be devastated.

But the way you talk about your partner ... it's is as if she really isn't all that special to you. If she left, you'd miss her a bit, and then you'd move on to date someone else. So I don't know that this is a recipe for lasting happiness.

I think you're in the territory of "I'm in my late 30s and I may not find anyone better at this stage in my life, so I should stick with a sure thing."

That is corrosive. You'll always wonder "What if?" As time goes by, she may also realize that you settled for her.

It honestly sounds like you should leave her and find someone who really does rock your world -- and let her do the same.

CelticRambler · 01-10-2019 10:40am

Deleted User wrote: »

Your ideal partner should be your team mate, and your best friend who you also fancy the pants off. Looking back on my relationship, there were many times when she wasn't my team mate, didnt have my back or wasn't there the way I needed.

Hmmm. While I agree completely with the first sentence, I'm not sure the second is as clear a "red flag" as all that.

In an earlier post, Wibbs said that often the "other" party is telling us something and we're just not hearing. That was true in the case of myself and the former MrsCR. Or to be more correct, she was "telling me" something and I was hearing it, but I didn't understand what I was hearing, and it was that failure to understand which undermined our relationship years later, not the problem itself.

This relates to the OP's question in a sideways fashion, because while I'm struggling to think of a "yeah, she's the one" moment, there were dozens of incidents that still stick in my mind, where I realised something that would later make an awful lot of sense ... even if I didn't appreciate it's significance at the time.

In our case, MrsCR had real problems making decisions, especially when faced with multiple choices. I once took her to Bewleys during our courtship and she came to a literal stop in front of the display of desserts and couldn't pick one, but couldn't move past either, and eventually fobbed the decision off onto me to get away from the muttering crowd behind.

This behaviour repeated itself over and over again in different situations throughout our relationship, and was eventually the cause of enormous, irreversible damage to our family life when she fobbed a much more serious decision off onto an aggressive lawyer.

But that wasn't the end of the story. For four hellish years, she didn't have my back, and definitely wasn't there for me in any way that I might need. In the meantime, I had learnt that there was a real, fairly simple reason for her inability to make decisions, and one that I could handle. When the aggressive lawyer went too far, suddenly MrsCR was back on my side, and now I was able to communicate with her and work with her constructively.

Skip forward a decade and we are very good friends again. If we had to share a desert island for eternity, we'd get on fine. We don't need the excuse of shared children to keep in touch (they're all grown up now); we have regular WhatsApp conversations about all kinds of everything; if I'm in her neck of the woods, I'll drop in for coffee; even though she's got a new husband (of sorts ... ) sometimes she'll come over here for a week for a holiday, just like any of my other friends.

I don't fancy her in the same way as when we first met, and she can't offer me what I need to get over what she stole from me during the Bad Years, but she's set the bar pretty damn high for any woman who'd want to follow. If I could turn the clock back 25 years, I'd still ask her to marry me ... just wouldn't take her to Bewleys this time. :pac:

06-10-2019 12:31pm

OP, late 30s for a man is the absolute prime time to find a woman, especially since you are clearly fit and active and have your career sorted.

You would be beating them off with a stick if that's what you want.

It sounds to me like you are fundamentally incompatible, but more importantly there is no spark there. Time to call it a day. You don't need to settle. And apathy and weight gain in a relationship gets worse after marriage and kids, not better - unless she gets her eye on some other guy.

You say she loves you but she makes zero effort for you. Big red flag.

farmchoice · 07-10-2019 8:59am

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, late 30s for a man is the absolute prime time to find a woman, especially since you are clearly fit and active and have your career sorted.

You would be beating them off with a stick if that's what you want.

It sounds to me like you are fundamentally incompatible, but more importantly there is no spark there. Time to call it a day. You don't need to settle. And apathy and weight gain in a relationship gets worse after marriage and kids, not better - unless she gets her eye on some other guy.

You say she loves you but she makes zero effort for you. Big red flag.

i had quite a long post written but i decided to delete it and leave you with this one piece of advise.
under no circumstances ever take advice on a serious matter off strangers on the internet, in fact in light of the comment above and ones like it it can be harmful even to ask the question let alone follow through on the answers.

Your future wife/life partner - is it "when you know, you know"?

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