Your future wife/life partner - is it "when you know, you know"?

mariaalice

farmchoice wrote: »

i had quite a long post written but i decided to delete it and leave you with this one piece of advise.
under no circumstances ever take advice on a serious matter off strangers on the internet, in fact in light of the comment above and ones like it it can be harmful even to ask the question let alone follow through on the answers.

He is entitled to ask people for their experience of a similar situation.

riveratom

farmchoice wrote: »

i had quite a long post written but i decided to delete it and leave you with this one piece of advise.
under no circumstances ever take advice on a serious matter off strangers on the internet, in fact in light of the comment above and ones like it it can be harmful even to ask the question let alone follow through on the answers.

Thanks, I discounted that one as it's not an accurate picture at all and not sure if that poster read my post!

I think it is fine to take advice from people on the internet (after all people are people, on the internet or offline!), once you don't take it as gospel! Which I absolutely don't.

I'd be very interested to hear even a concise version of your planned post, as it sounds like you'd have some helpful input.

riveratom

zapper55 wrote: »

I think it says a lot that while shed be devastated if you broke up, you wouldnt be.

Also liking the idea of buying a home and having kids with her also sounds a bit meh. There just doesnt seem to be any excitement in your posts. Honestly I think you both deserve more.

What I would say is that if this ambivalence carries on for another few years, giving her the impression that you want kids, then in the end you break up, you could well deny her the opportunity to have kids.

So you need to really think about what you want.

Caiden Rapping Sludge wrote: »

I didn't have one moment when I knew my wife was the one for me -- it was more like a series of smaller moments that merged gradually over time into a larger realization of happiness and belonging.

When you truly love someone, that person is absolutely irreplaceable. Who she is and what you have together is so unique that if she left, you would definitely be devastated.

But the way you talk about your partner ... it's is as if she really isn't all that special to you. If she left, you'd miss her a bit, and then you'd move on to date someone else. So I don't know that this is a recipe for lasting happiness.

I think you're in the territory of "I'm in my late 30s and I may not find anyone better at this stage in my life, so I should stick with a sure thing."

That is corrosive. You'll always wonder "What if?" As time goes by, she may also realize that you settled for her.

It honestly sounds like you should leave her and find someone who really does rock your world -- and let her do the same.

If someone were to ask me "do I love her", I would say I do and I care about her, I want the best for her and for her to have a happy life.

However, I don't feel in love, and believe me I know it's not going to be Hollywood sparks all the time - but I feel I should be able to look at her and feel some sort of 'rush' feeling, where I'm like "wow this is the person I want to spend my time with".

Again, not in a sunshine and confetti kind of way, but just in a quiet 'knowing' way.

It's like it's a perfectly good relationship, we have fun, we have a laugh and get on well most of the time, but I don't feel much of a 'rush' at all when we are around each other - there is a comfortable feeling though. And we have known each other over 2 years and are going out a year and a half almost now.

The physical side has dropped off a lot since we moved in together too, we are tired at the end of the day, she finds her job a definite challenge and so maybe it's about rekindling and reconnecting too.

CelticRambler

riveratom wrote: »

It's like it's a perfectly good relationship, we have fun, we have a laugh and get on well most of the time, but I don't feel much of a 'rush' at all when we are around each other - there is a comfortable feeling though.

What about when you're away, on your own? Do you get any kind of a 'rush' when you're on your way back to see her for the first time in a week?

farmchoice

''I'd be very interested to hear even a concise version of your planned post, as it sounds like you'd have some helpful input. ''


fair enough,

i think what you have here is a generally happy relationship, to be honest and i can only speak from personal experience what you have is textbook life as a couple, maybe there are people who go though there whole lives in a state of high romance, falling into the pools of each others eyes, ripping the clothes off each other etc, if there are i dont know them. mind you i have been with herself for more then 20 years, married for 15 and have 3 kids, lost another one along the way, so we have seen a bit of life.


in my experience one of the biggest obstacles to living a content life is the notion that ''the grass is always greener'' i could be happier if only....

it rarely works out that way. i use content on purpose the search for constant ''happiness'' is a nonsense life doesn't work like that, we dont live in a movie, a fairy tale.

one of the most recurring questions asked here and on other such forums and in society in general is ''where are all the decent men/women, usually asked by singletons in their late 30's and even though they dont want to hear it the answer is ''you had them in your 20's except you discarded them because you thought maybe you could do better, it turns out you couldn't and you were not going to get any better looking or more attractive or more successful or more interesting and that someone just like my present girl but better was not waiting out there for me.


if you walk in the door knowing that the person who is in there loves you and wants you around the place and might want to have your kids and buy a house with you, share her life with you then you are a lucky man, its possible if you leave you you might get luckier, then again as your relationship life to date teaches you you probably wont.

Calhoun

farmchoice wrote: »

i had quite a long post written but i decided to delete it and leave you with this one piece of advise.
under no circumstances ever take advice on a serious matter off strangers on the internet, in fact in light of the comment above and ones like it it can be harmful even to ask the question let alone follow through on the answers.

If you cannot think for yourself and take everything as is written you have bigger problems overall.

There are many places on the web both on these forums and reddit where people ask for help or to listen to other experience/view points. Its always up to the person asking to critically review what is being said to them.

farmchoice wrote: »

''I'd be very interested to hear even a concise version of your planned post, as it sounds like you'd have some helpful input. ''


fair enough,

i think what you have here is a generally happy relationship, to be honest and i can only speak from personal experience what you have is textbook life as a couple, maybe there are people who go though there whole lives in a state of high romance, falling into the pools of each others eyes, ripping the clothes off each other etc, if there are i dont know them. mind you i have been with herself for more then 20 years, married for 15 and have 3 kids, lost another one along the way, so we have seen a bit of life.


in my experience one of the biggest obstacles to living a content life is the notion that ''the grass is always greener'' i could be happier if only....

it rarely works out that way. i use content on purpose the search for constant ''happiness'' is a nonsense life doesn't work like that, we dont live in a movie, a fairy tale.

one of the most recurring questions asked here and on other such forums and in society in general is ''where are all the decent men/women, usually asked by singletons in their late 30's and even though they dont want to hear it the answer is ''you had them in your 20's except you discarded them because you thought maybe you could do better, it turns out you couldn't and you were not going to get any better looking or more attractive or more successful or more interesting and that someone just like my present girl but better was not waiting out there for me.


if you walk in the door knowing that the person who is in there loves you and wants you around the place and might want to have your kids and buy a house with you, share her life with you then you are a lucky man, its possible if you leave you you might get luckier, then again as your relationship life to date teaches you you probably wont.

Agree with allot of what you are saying here but its a fine line you need to walk. Don't settle for something incompatible or being unhappy just to be with someone.

Relationships are about communicating and compromising on things, there is a nuance to it. I know you probably mean this but just calling out that its not one or the other, its figuring out what works as a couple.

akelly02

Today is the day i knew, well yesterday

i have been ****ing up over and over for the past few years and it all came to a head yesterday.

a few home truths came out, and many women would have ran a mile. thankfully she is standing by me.

now it owe it to her and my son to be a better person.

bitofabind

riveratom wrote: »

I have a history of quitting a couple of big things for reasons I thought were valid at the time, but where I realised only later what I actually had. I am very 'even' in terms of feelings and while someone else might be devastated and then recover, I might be fine but only over time realise what I had.

I think this is quite revealing. You're not an overly emotional guy and are fairly even keeled, and yet you think you should be feeling fireworks and some sort of "rush" when it's not something that's in your general disposition. Kind of at odds with each other there.

And on top of that is a "grass is greener" tendency - something I find in a lot of long-term single people who have trouble committing. I get it - there's a lot of choice out there. You could end this relationship and have three new dates lined up for next week. You'll get the rush of someone new every other week, the "is she / isn't she" of the early days of dating and the exciting sex and all that stuff that happens when you meet someone new.

Is that what you want forever though? Most people outgrow it and want something more meaningful, which usually means sacrificing the butterflies and nerves of those earlier days. The longterm repercussions of staying in that stage indefinitely are that you don't get the opportunity to build a life with someone, settle down, have a family, and become even choosier as time goes on. You become a bit inflexible too, less willing to compromise and "too used to being single".

Anyway. Only you can decide if it's your own issues at play here, or if this woman is just not the right woman for you. Best of luck in your decision.

Biodegradable

riveratom wrote: »

she has admitted she would prefer to be on the couch in the evenings eating sweets and watching TV.

And you think that's going to change after she marries you?!

Biodegradable

TimeToShine wrote: »

However, and this might not be great news, towards the end of my year travelling I met a girl who didn't speak a word of English and my goodness it was like something you'd see in a movie

Anytime you get with a girl of that caliber, you can be sure that she won't be Irish. They're too stuck up.

Sittingpretty

Biodegradable wrote: »

Anytime you get with a girl of that caliber, you can be sure that she won't be Irish. They're too stuck up.

I wondered how long it would take before this turned into the predictable “Irish women are sh1t” thread.

OP - From a female perspective, back at the very start of my relationship with my now husband, we broke up for about 2 weeks or so. I can honestly say I never missed anyone as much as I did him in those two weeks and for me that’s when I knew I wanted him in my life always.

Calhoun

Sittingpretty wrote: »

I wondered how long it would take before this turned into the predictable “Irish women are sh1t” thread.

OP - From a female perspective, back at the very start of my relationship with my now husband, we broke up for about 2 weeks or so. I can honestly say I never missed anyone as much as I did him in those two weeks and for me that’s when I knew I wanted him in my life always.

Did it really turn into an Irish woman are **** thread, if you look at most seasoned posters they gave advice relevant to the OP.

Not sure if the new account is a troll or just someone with a chip on their shoulder but there was allot more before it .

mariaalice

The op is coming across as both passive and an over-thinker combined a a touch of the grass is always greener, its a personality type that makes it very hard to be content in life, their whole life is could have should have.

If that is the case its, not relationship advice they need.

D'Agger

mariaalice wrote: »

The op is coming across as both passive and an over-thinker combined a a touch of the grass is always greener, its a personality type that makes it very hard to be content in life, their whole life is could have should have.

If that is the case its, not relationship advice they need.

Fair point and one that resonates with myself personally tbh

Being passive & over thinking things can be a difficult combination but I'm not sure decisiveness can be taught, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart - there's lots of variables to a relationship and making a decision as per whether to stick around or move on is often less black and white than it appears from the outside looking in.

Wibbs

mariaalice wrote: »

The op is coming across as both passive and an over-thinker combined a a touch of the grass is always greener, its a personality type that makes it very hard to be content in life, their whole life is could have should have.

If that is the case its, not relationship advice they need.

I'd tend to agree M, or there may be some element of that. There are some that are "never happy", or are always looking at the what ifs. I've gone out with a couple of women like that and looking back thank god for unanswered prayers that I'm not still going out with them. They could be fantastic partners and lovers, but that part was a bloody nightmare at the time and worse looking back.

Biodegradable wrote: »

Anytime you get with a girl of that caliber, you can be sure that she won't be Irish. They're too stuck up.

Well given the majority of my exes weren't Irish(the locals can see me coming...) I can say that this is... I think the technical term is; a load of me bollex. Save for mostly surface and minor cultural diffs, across Europe certainly, people, men and women are pretty samey. Oh and I have heard that exact sentiment coming from Italian, Russian, Ukrainian, Spanish and French men about their local women. Y'know, the same women that some Irish guys seem to think are so exotic and different. Oh and the same above men quite often thought very highly of Irish women(particularly their sense of humour and easygoingness).

It's a fantasy, one repeated in damned near every culture in the world, but a fantasy nonetheless. Usually based, if on anything, on the draw to the exotic(understandable), a passing holiday flingette when the blinkers were on(like the example you quoted), or little experience of non Irish women, with projection of some Ideal Woman™ notion onto them.

Stop moaning ffs

You’ll never believe me but I knew the minute I laid eyes on him across a nightclub I was going to know this person and have a long long history with him.
Spidey gut instinct Confirmed just one date into it.
Still here together 12 years later.

CelticRambler

Stop moaning ffs wrote: »

You’ll never believe me but I knew the minute I laid eyes on him across a nightclub I was going to know this person and have a long long history with him.

I didn't even have to see the woman who would become MrsCR - heard her singing behind me (at Mass, of all places ... ) and went weak at the knees ...

Stop moaning ffs

CelticRambler wrote: »

I didn't even have to see the woman who would become MrsCR - heard her singing behind me (at Mass, of all places ... ) and went weak at the knees ...

I hope for the right reasons

That’s lovely though

riveratom

bitofabind wrote: »

I think this is quite revealing. You're not an overly emotional guy and are fairly even keeled, and yet you think you should be feeling fireworks and some sort of "rush" when it's not something that's in your general disposition. Kind of at odds with each other there.

And on top of that is a "grass is greener" tendency - something I find in a lot of long-term single people who have trouble committing. I get it - there's a lot of choice out there. You could end this relationship and have three new dates lined up for next week. You'll get the rush of someone new every other week, the "is she / isn't she" of the early days of dating and the exciting sex and all that stuff that happens when you meet someone new.

Is that what you want forever though? Most people outgrow it and want something more meaningful, which usually means sacrificing the butterflies and nerves of those earlier days. The longterm repercussions of staying in that stage indefinitely are that you don't get the opportunity to build a life with someone, settle down, have a family, and become even choosier as time goes on. You become a bit inflexible too, less willing to compromise and "too used to being single".

Anyway. Only you can decide if it's your own issues at play here, or if this woman is just not the right woman for you. Best of luck in your decision.

farmchoice wrote: »

''I'd be very interested to hear even a concise version of your planned post, as it sounds like you'd have some helpful input. ''


fair enough,

i think what you have here is a generally happy relationship, to be honest and i can only speak from personal experience what you have is textbook life as a couple, maybe there are people who go though there whole lives in a state of high romance, falling into the pools of each others eyes, ripping the clothes off each other etc, if there are i dont know them. mind you i have been with herself for more then 20 years, married for 15 and have 3 kids, lost another one along the way, so we have seen a bit of life.


in my experience one of the biggest obstacles to living a content life is the notion that ''the grass is always greener'' i could be happier if only....

it rarely works out that way. i use content on purpose the search for constant ''happiness'' is a nonsense life doesn't work like that, we dont live in a movie, a fairy tale.

one of the most recurring questions asked here and on other such forums and in society in general is ''where are all the decent men/women, usually asked by singletons in their late 30's and even though they dont want to hear it the answer is ''you had them in your 20's except you discarded them because you thought maybe you could do better, it turns out you couldn't and you were not going to get any better looking or more attractive or more successful or more interesting and that someone just like my present girl but better was not waiting out there for me.


if you walk in the door knowing that the person who is in there loves you and wants you around the place and might want to have your kids and buy a house with you, share her life with you then you are a lucky man, its possible if you leave you you might get luckier, then again as your relationship life to date teaches you you probably wont.

Bitofabind and farmchoice, just to say thanks a million for these posts, something clicked for me after reading and considering these for not very long indeed

riveratom

mariaalice wrote: »

The op is coming across as both passive and an over-thinker combined a a touch of the grass is always greener, its a personality type that makes it very hard to be content in life, their whole life is could have should have.

If that is the case its, not relationship advice they need.

I have more than a touch of the grass is always greener! I have left jobs and even countries (well one country), through following this line of thinking. I won't anymore as I know better and see more now...like literally just now

There's nothing else I 'need', aside from continuing to see what I'm seeing - that it's really your thinking that informs where you go. And as farmchoice said, I am a very lucky man indeed

Calhoun

riveratom wrote: »

I have more than a touch of the grass is always greener! I have left jobs and even countries (well one country), through following this line of thinking. I won't anymore as I know better and see more now...like literally just now

There's nothing else I 'need', aside from continuing to see what I'm seeing - that it's really your thinking that informs where you go. And as farmchoice said, I am a very lucky man indeed

One thing i would say to you that you need to consider is it your own relationship experience holding you back on top of everything else?

You haven't really been in a serious relationship for a long time before this and could write your own ticket on what you are doing.

When you live apart from someone, meeting up with them and doing things is always exciting as you do something different or you meet up. When you move in together you have to get used to things being a little more mundane.