GF wants an engagement

LegacyUser · 11-10-2019 11:41pm #1

Been with my GF the last 4 years, we live together share bills, and a home. we are very good together and feel the same way about each other but lately shes been on a one woman crusade for me to propose to her, we are both in our early 30's and just bought our 1st home together and are slowly in the process of renovation.

But there isn't a day or two days go by where there isn't a talk about a engagement, I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop. I feel like going and getting the ring just to pacify her and then on the other hand i feel like im questioning the whole relationship at the way shes acting like a spoilt child.

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Any advice most welcome, cheers!

rainbowtrout · 12-10-2019 8:37pm

You say you've explained to her that you feel the same way about her as she does about you... and when you propose you want it to be a surprise.

Have you actually said to her you want to get married to her or just told her how you feel about her? Because they are two different things. Also if you do want to get married to her, why does it have to be a surprise?

Consider things from her perspective. Assuming the two of you do eventually get married, have you discussed having children? You might think this is something way off down the road, you can bet she isn't thinking like that. If you are already in your early 30s, and you hold off on engagement for another year or two, and then spend another year planning a wedding, she is looking at a delay of perhaps three years before starting to try for children. Fertility wise you have a lot longer than she does.

cj maxx · 12-10-2019 8:53pm

paddy739 wrote: »

Been with my GF the last 4 years, we live together share bills, and a home. we are very good together and feel the same way about each other but lately shes been on a one woman crusade for me to propose to her, we are both in our early 30's and just bought our 1st home together and are slowly in the process of renovation.

But there isn't a day or two days go by where there isn't a talk about a engagement, I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop. I feel like going and getting the ring just to pacify her and then on the other hand i feel like im questioning the whole relationship at the way shes acting like a spoilt child.

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Any advice most welcome, cheers!

You don't want to be 'pressured ' into engagement.. You want to surprise her, in a romantic gesture that blows her mind no doubt. ??
Too many rom coms I think .
If you're compatible, love each other , want the same life including kids , or not, the ask her !!! And don't go buying an engagement ring yourself , get a nice cheap ring for the proposal then take her shopping for one so she gets what she wants .
And op good luck, she might be so pissed off at this stage she says no

Sharp MZ700 · 12-10-2019 9:01pm

Are you afraid of getting married or the wedding day OP?

eviltwin · 12-10-2019 9:12pm

I don't get the need for it to be a surprise. If you are both adults and have taken steps to build a life together then why don't you just decide to marry?

Sharp MZ700 · 13-10-2019 12:59am

You don't have to get married if you want to spend the rest of your life together OP. But what you do need to do if you agree with this is tell her this is how you feel.

punisher5112 · 13-10-2019 1:01am

I didn't think I would but here we are....

Supposedly it was the biggest dream she ever had and I got away with near 9 years of her thinking it would never happen so the surprise on her face was priceless...

Don't worry op you will. Eventually

Cash_Q · 13-10-2019 7:46am

paddy739 wrote:

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

paddy739 wrote:

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Tell her this exact information. It's truthful and it confirms to her that you do want to get engaged at some stage. Maybe she just wants reassurance that you do eventually want to marry her. Saying you "feel the same way" is very different to stating that you want to get married. Discuss why she is suddenly so anxious about it...maybe she wants to get married before having kids, as another poster says that would certainly put a sense of urgency on it if you're in your thirties already.

Boards is a grand place for advice and all but really your relationship (and any hope of a marriage working out) can only work if you can talk to her about this directly.

Shefwedfan · 13-10-2019 7:48am

Sound like your already married

Just give her the ring to keep her happy and stop your head been wrecked

The chan chan man · 13-10-2019 7:50am

Just do it then. You’re practically living like husband and wife anyway - mortgage/living together/constant nagging, so go for it...

gctest50 · 13-10-2019 7:55am

punisher5112 wrote: »

..............

the surprise on her face was priceless...

Excellent thought. Dump her over the nagging, it'll just get worse. Then you'll see surprise

Caryatnid · 13-10-2019 9:43am

paddy739 wrote: »

i want it to be a surprise.

A surprise?? You just bought a house together, and say you feel the same way as her. But instead of agreeing to get engaged/married as equal adults, you want to pretend she's not the woman you want to marry, just so she'll be surprised? Seems like a mind game!! If you want to surprise her, propose to her sister. It's really not gonna surprise anyone when a committed couple in their thirties get engaged. If you really want to marry her, talk to her like an equal adult.

MadYaker · 13-10-2019 9:48am

How could it possibly be a surprise if you’ve already discussed it with her?? Very odd post. Ye are basically married already so why not just buy a ring and get it over with? The only thing that will change is she’ll be absolutely delighted and will stop nagging you.

BDI · 13-10-2019 9:53am

This is how most engagements work. Do you honestly think the fella hires a photographer, brings the missus to the beach when she has full make up and a dress on and writes will you marry me in the sand. Without her not having already demanded these things.

In other news you will get up on Sunday morning to be told you are going to your own mothers for dinner and nobody told you till now.

Professor Genius · 13-10-2019 9:55am

She sounds like a head wreck. After this it will be looking for numerous babies. If your not on the same page you might be as well to call it a day.

appledrop · 13-10-2019 10:06am

To be honest I think your the one acting like a child not your girlfriend.

Your either committed to this relationship + want to get engaged or married to her or else you need to move on.

It's not fair on her to be messing her around. Your living together etc so I'd be worried about why you cant take the next step. Stop messing her around + make up your mind.

kerryjack · 13-10-2019 10:16am

Well anything goes these days A lad I know went on his stag with his grow up son's and he has been living with his partner for last 25 years and now decides to get married. It's when the kids come along that's the serious commitment in my opinion are ye on the same page there OP.

13-10-2019 10:19am

I'm with the 'not even fiance'.

Would you consider yourself empathetic or generally perceptive or not OP?

Any reason for not committing at such a late stage such as being cheated on previously?

Agree with other posters re 'surprise' considering you're not in your early 20s.

BTW, I wouldn't even wait to buy a token ring, or even a formal proposal at this stage... the surprise thing is totally gone. Just say, 'lets get married'.

appledrop · 13-10-2019 10:19am

Kerryjack I get what your saying + of course everyone is different + no rule nowadays that couples have to get married.

However in OP case it's very clear his girlfriend does want to get married so if he doesn't he should stop messing her around.

Batgurl · 13-10-2019 10:20am

To be honest, you sound like you could be one of those “I will yea” guys who are asked to do something while playing the PlayStation and then hours later you check and they haven’t moved an inch and haven’t done what they said they’d do.

I find that some men have no concept of time or time management. As someone else said, Ye are in yer early 30’s. (Assume 32) Getting engaged now means it could be at least 1-2 years before getting married (so 34 by the time getting married). Kids don’t always happen when you want them to so ye could be trying another couple of years before getting pregnant (assume 36). It then takes 9 months to grow a baby so she could be 37 before you have your first baby.

I hope ye don’t plan on having any more than 1 because realistically ye are gonna want to wait a year before trying for a second (38) and then it could take another year or 2 before getting lucky again (40).

Regardless of the statistical chances of conceiving at 40, do you understand the toll and risk to a woman’s body carrying a baby at that age? It’s no wonder she’s keen to get your arse in gear.

(Appreciate some people will tell me how mad I am and that my numbers are extreme, but I’m basing it on a bad case scenario and yes this happened to someone I know).

artanevilla · 13-10-2019 10:21am

The proposal should be the surprise not the engagement.

NewMan1982 · 13-10-2019 10:26am

Haha there’s some mad assumptions on this thread.

Do it in your own time and don’t be pressured.

For fun, you could keep making surprise arrangements with her and have her expecting a proposal

On another note not everyone wants to get married.

13-10-2019 10:37am

NewMan1982 wrote: »

Do it in your own time and don’t be pressured.

Yeah, OP... take the advice of someone who's never had a girlfriend

Here's an incentive for you OP. Think of the most crazy, fantasy filled sex you'd hardly dare suggest to your girlfriend... and ask her the evening you propose

It's going to happen then or never ! :cool:

cj maxx · 13-10-2019 10:57am

Good thinking CW

13-10-2019 11:05am

cjmc wrote: »

Good thinking CW

I have my moments.

TimeToShine · 13-10-2019 12:52pm

Sounds to me like OP is getting cold feet except without having gone through the formal process of an engagement.

You are for all intents and purposes married, you don't have any freedom of choice here unfortunately, a series of committal moves on both your behalves have led to this. Give her what she wants and accept that a little panic and cold feet is a normal part of the process.

MissShihTzu · 13-10-2019 11:18pm

I don't understand. If you don't intend on making the commitment of marriage, then why did you buy a house with your partner?

I've been burned like this. Bought property with someone I wasn't engaged to, never mind married. You can guess what happened next...No ring, no wedding, and a whole lot of headaches trying to sort the situation out financially!

Buying a house together is a huge commitment. You might as well go all the way and get engaged and married! If not? Time to put on your big boy pants!

Think about what you really want and have a serious chat about where all this is going...

qwerty13 · 13-10-2019 11:56pm

The life decision really was made when you bought a house together. If you were happy to do that, then surely you’re happy to formalise things legally?

Legal stuff is important. I know of someone who wasn’t married, he died, and she is in a world of hassle and lots of tax. And worse, because he died without a will, and she doesn’t get on with his parents. So the legal aspect of marriage / joint asset ownership is very important. And that’s before you even go there re kids. Marriage is a legal contract. People can dress it up in fairy stories, but it is a legal contract that confers advantageous rights. And safeguards assets.

I think you should get married, for both of your legal protection. If however she wants the pretend ‘surprise’ proposal, and Insta fuss over her, then I can understand you not wanting that being talked about so frequently. Sounds like a low key wedding would suit you OP.but then I think you said you wanted it to be a ‘surprise’ proposal, so I guess I’m a bit confused about that.

Yellow pack crisps · 14-10-2019 7:47am

If she is that keen then why doesn’t she propose to you?

Caryatnid · 14-10-2019 7:50am

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

If she is that keen then why doesn’t she propose to you?

Apparently she does every few days but he won't give her a straight answer.

14-10-2019 8:34am

bit of balance be no harm in these comments, so:

whats she constantly obsessed and moaning to her equal partner about when theyre in the middle of other, important and long-term commitments anyway?

it's 2019. its embarrassing that there's still women carrying on like this over marriage when everything that matters (or should matter) more in a relationship no longer relies upon it.

fair enough, the buck should let her know it's coming. but if he was pressuring her into something as expensive and indulgent just to please him by badgering her every two days about it while they built a house, you can be damned sure hed be the bad guy in the eyes of anyone here telling him to "just do it"

2019 and her crying every two days at him for a wedding, my gawd. i cant even.

Yellow pack crisps · 14-10-2019 8:40am

Caryatnid wrote: »

Apparently she does every few days but he won't give her a straight answer.

Being put under pressure to propose is different than asking for a hand in marriage.

kg703 · 14-10-2019 11:27am

No one should be pressured into it. He’s made a commitment by buying a house and if he wanted to surprise her with a proposal no one is going to feel like doing it when you are being moaned at. Myself and my husband got engaged after nine years.

If she’s really pressuring just go ok fine we are engaged, happy? Leave it at that. No big fuss about it. She’ll reget not being patient!

In all seriousness just tell her you don’t appreciate it being brought up all the time. If you are planning a life together, communication and honesty are important!

Pauliedragon · 14-10-2019 11:34am

Batgurl wrote: »

To be honest, you sound like you could be one of those “I will yea” guys who are asked to do something while playing the PlayStation and then hours later you check and they haven’t moved an inch and haven’t done what they said they’d do.

I find that some men have no concept of time or time management. As someone else said, Ye are in yer early 30’s. (Assume 32) Getting engaged now means it could be at least 1-2 years before getting married (so 34 by the time getting married). Kids don’t always happen when you want them to so ye could be trying another couple of years before getting pregnant (assume 36). It then takes 9 months to grow a baby so she could be 37 before you have your first baby.

I hope ye don’t plan on having any more than 1 because realistically ye are gonna want to wait a year before trying for a second (38) and then it could take another year or 2 before getting lucky again (40).

Regardless of the statistical chances of conceiving at 40, do you understand the toll and risk to a woman’s body carrying a baby at that age? It’s no wonder she’s keen to get your arse in gear.

(Appreciate some people will tell me how mad I am and that my numbers are extreme, but I’m basing it on a bad case scenario and yes this happened to someone I know).

You don't have to be married to have kids.

14-10-2019 11:56am

Pauliedragon wrote: »

You don't have to be married to have kids.

I think everyone reading this knows the biological process for creating life.

dmm82 · 14-10-2019 12:06pm

Is being pressured into it really the right way to start a marriage? I am female and think that the way some women act is crazy. There is no way I would want a ring on my finger if I knew the only reason I had it was because I nagged for it. Likewise I would hate to be pressured into marrying my boyfriend, recipe for disaster in my opinion.
Fair enough if kids are planned then it might make sense but surely buying a house together is a huge commitment too. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, it's not 1950.

14-10-2019 12:12pm

dmm82 wrote: »

Is being pressured into it really the right way to start a marriage? I am female and think that the way some women act is crazy. There is no way I would want a ring on my finger if I knew the only reason I had it was because I nagged for it. Likewise I would hate to be pressured into marrying my boyfriend, recipe for disaster in my opinion.
Fair enough if kids are planned then it might make sense but surely buying a house together is a huge commitment too. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, it's not 1950.

The key here is when did the "nagging" begin. Was it ONLY after the house was bought. If that's the case I'd have sympathy with the OP. If he doesn't want to get married or doesn't want to for several years then just be open with his GF. It's up to her then to decide to 'stick or twist'.

TheBoyConor · 14-10-2019 12:22pm

Sounds like one of those women with a "vision" as I would call it of how her life should be. Some dose.
Mark my words, as soon as she has the engagement ring on her finger, the next thing is she will be badgering you about a wedding date. No sooner will ye be married and she'll be banging on about baby time.

She sounds like a demanding pain in the hole and a lot of work.

If it were me I'd dump her and kick her out of the house, offer to buy her out. Yeah you'll be labelled as the bad guy among her family and friends but at the end of the day you'll have a difficult life with someone as demanding as that.

woodchuck · 14-10-2019 12:22pm

OP have you discussed having children and would she prefer to be married before trying? If so, I can totally see where she's coming from. Time isn't on her side and it takes about a year to plan most weddings.

I think you both need to have an open conversation about your expectations for the future and the timelines surrounding that.

You can still do the "surprise" proposal (e.g. picking the time and place), but it sounds like it's important to her that it's forthcoming. So a serious conversation about expectations on both sides is needed. Finances will obviously come into it too if you're spending a lot of money renovating the new place.

ontheditch2 · 14-10-2019 12:23pm

paddy739 wrote: »

Been with my GF the last 4 years, we live together share bills, and a home. we are very good together and feel the same way about each other but lately shes been on a one woman crusade for me to propose to her, we are both in our early 30's and just bought our 1st home together and are slowly in the process of renovation.

But there isn't a day or two days go by where there isn't a talk about a engagement, I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop. I feel like going and getting the ring just to pacify her and then on the other hand i feel like im questioning the whole relationship at the way shes acting like a spoilt child.

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Any advice most welcome, cheers!

Had a similar situation myself.
Were in the process of buying a house and she was very eager to get engaged. I was too but maybe it was from watching too many romcoms that I felt the engagement had to be some bit romantic, as opposed to just agreeing to get engaged in bed one night.
I won't say she badgered me but once or twice she was dissatisfied that were hadn't yet got engaged and let me know.
I just wanted it to be some bit romantic and a surprise for her when it happened.
Eventually, got down on a knee and proposed.

Since them, life has never been better. She just wanted reassurance that I was committed to her and starting a family together etc.
If you are committed to her and happy to get engaged then do it on your terms. And tell her you want to do it on your terms. Deciding when to propose is the only decision you have complete control over in your relationship for the rest of your life. Do it on your terms but maybe give her some reassurance that it will be happening soon.

14-10-2019 12:26pm

Don't think the OP has posted since last Friday Night. I think we can assume we've put more thought into his potential marriage than he has

14-10-2019 12:55pm

Pauliedragon wrote: »

You don't have to be married to have kids.

True, but for many reasons it is far better if you are.

I don’t see how people get as committed as buying a house without getting married to me it’s the first step on that road and it’s foolish not to be married for many reasons when planning to spend your life together.

14-10-2019 1:45pm

Kyson Delightful Hobo wrote: »

True, but for many reasons it is far better if you are.

I don’t see how people get as committed as buying a house without getting married to me it’s the first step on that road and it’s foolish not to be married for many reasons when planning to spend your life together.

you have bought how many houses/paid for how many weddings?

the reason why youd do one as a priority becomes fairly clear fairly quick

14-10-2019 2:08pm

Deleted User wrote: »

you have bought how many houses/paid for how many weddings?

the reason why youd do one as a priority becomes fairly clear fairly quick

Paid for one wedding and within 6 months had got an architect to begin plans for building a house which we hope to get started early next year less than a year and a half after the wedding.

Vast majority of if the cost of wedding + honeymoon was covered by gifts so cost very little to our pocket and had no impact on funds for house purchase/building.

eviltwin · 14-10-2019 3:33pm

Kyson Delightful Hobo wrote: »

Paid for one wedding and within 6 months had got an architect to begin plans for building a house which we hope to get started early next year less than a year and a half after the wedding.

Vast majority of if the cost of wedding + honeymoon was covered by gifts so cost very little to our pocket and had no impact on funds for house purchase/building.

Not everyone is as fortunate as you. For many couples putting down roots and having a stable home is more important than a wedding. It doesn't mean the wedding won't happen, its about priorities.

SozBbz · 14-10-2019 5:15pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Not everyone is as fortunate as you. For many couples putting down roots and having a stable home is more important than a wedding. It doesn't mean the wedding won't happen, its about priorities.

True, but weddings are not the same as marriage.

If you just want to get married, legally it costs €300 or something.

For me, its the marriage thats important. The security, the commitment, legally being considered a family, being each others next of kin.

OP, if this is about being a princess for a day, then sure, maybe she's being bratty.

However if its about all of the very valid reasons I've listed above, then why are you holding out? Why would you have bought a house with this woman if you don't intend on having a long term future with her? Do you know that if one of you died, the other would have to pay inheritance taxation the share of the house (via mortgage protection probably) as legally you're strangers? Do you think thats how you want the law to judge your relationship, or do you want to legally make this woman family?

It annoys me that woman are expected to wait for a "surprise" in this area, instead of being able to have a conversation and ask for an appropriate legal commitment, as thats what marriage actually is. Women are often the main breadwinner and yet are still expected to wait around for a man to agree to marry them.

pwurple · 15-10-2019 4:37pm

paddy739 wrote: »

I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop.

You're clearly a romantic.

To cut to the chase, marriage isn't really about feels, you're talking about love there... ideally overlapping, but not the same thing at all. You're not answering her question by talking about your feelings.

Marriage is about practical legal decisions.

- Who do you want to be your next of kin if you're in an accident?
- If your girlfriend had an accident, do you want to me the one consenting to treatment, or do you want the doctors to call her mum.
- Do you want children?
- Do you want to be the legal guardian of her children
- If one of you dies, who inherits the house... the dead person's parents.. or the other person in this relationship?
etc etc etc

That's what marriage is. It's a legal pack, a contract between two people about inheritance, next of kin, guardianship rights.

And to be honest, like everyone else has pointed out, in your 30's, you're no spring chicken. Best baby-making time is in your 20's, your girlfriend is already in the medically geriatric category for a pregnancy. So if you wanted a family in your future, she's right, get a move on. Birth defects, pregnancy problems, infertility, all the risks of problems problems only increase from here.

cj maxx · 15-10-2019 5:16pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Don't think the OP has posted since last Friday Night. I think we can assume we've put more thought into his potential marriage than he has

Or he's taken one posters suggestion and cleared !

Hector Savage · 17-10-2019 10:27am

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

If she is that keen then why doesn’t she propose to you?

Exactly, next year is a leap year too !!

Thelonious Monk · 17-10-2019 11:47am

Do you actually want to get married, or are you just doing it so she'll stop wrecking your head? Because from what I've seen and experienced that's why a lot of men get married. If you don't want all that wedding mullarkey, don't do it.

zapper55 · 17-10-2019 12:30pm

And if you dont want it you need to tell her and not avoid it.

GF wants an engagement

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