GF wants an engagement

LegacyUser

Been with my GF the last 4 years, we live together share bills, and a home. we are very good together and feel the same way about each other but lately shes been on a one woman crusade for me to propose to her, we are both in our early 30's and just bought our 1st home together and are slowly in the process of renovation.

But there isn't a day or two days go by where there isn't a talk about a engagement, I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop. I feel like going and getting the ring just to pacify her and then on the other hand i feel like im questioning the whole relationship at the way shes acting like a spoilt child.

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Any advice most welcome, cheers!

rainbowtrout

You say you've explained to her that you feel the same way about her as she does about you... and when you propose you want it to be a surprise.

Have you actually said to her you want to get married to her or just told her how you feel about her? Because they are two different things. Also if you do want to get married to her, why does it have to be a surprise?

Consider things from her perspective. Assuming the two of you do eventually get married, have you discussed having children? You might think this is something way off down the road, you can bet she isn't thinking like that. If you are already in your early 30s, and you hold off on engagement for another year or two, and then spend another year planning a wedding, she is looking at a delay of perhaps three years before starting to try for children. Fertility wise you have a lot longer than she does.

cj maxx

paddy739 wrote: »

Been with my GF the last 4 years, we live together share bills, and a home. we are very good together and feel the same way about each other but lately shes been on a one woman crusade for me to propose to her, we are both in our early 30's and just bought our 1st home together and are slowly in the process of renovation.

But there isn't a day or two days go by where there isn't a talk about a engagement, I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop. I feel like going and getting the ring just to pacify her and then on the other hand i feel like im questioning the whole relationship at the way shes acting like a spoilt child.

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Any advice most welcome, cheers!

You don't want to be 'pressured ' into engagement.. You want to surprise her, in a romantic gesture that blows her mind no doubt. ??
Too many rom coms I think .
If you're compatible, love each other , want the same life including kids , or not, the ask her !!! And don't go buying an engagement ring yourself , get a nice cheap ring for the proposal then take her shopping for one so she gets what she wants .
And op good luck, she might be so pissed off at this stage she says no

Sharp MZ700

Are you afraid of getting married or the wedding day OP?

eviltwin

I don't get the need for it to be a surprise. If you are both adults and have taken steps to build a life together then why don't you just decide to marry?

Sharp MZ700

You don't have to get married if you want to spend the rest of your life together OP. But what you do need to do if you agree with this is tell her this is how you feel.

punisher5112

I didn't think I would but here we are....

Supposedly it was the biggest dream she ever had and I got away with near 9 years of her thinking it would never happen so the surprise on her face was priceless...


Don't worry op you will. Eventually

Cash_Q

paddy739 wrote:

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

paddy739 wrote:

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Tell her this exact information. It's truthful and it confirms to her that you do want to get engaged at some stage. Maybe she just wants reassurance that you do eventually want to marry her. Saying you "feel the same way" is very different to stating that you want to get married. Discuss why she is suddenly so anxious about it...maybe she wants to get married before having kids, as another poster says that would certainly put a sense of urgency on it if you're in your thirties already.

Boards is a grand place for advice and all but really your relationship (and any hope of a marriage working out) can only work if you can talk to her about this directly.

Shefwedfan

Sound like your already married

Just give her the ring to keep her happy and stop your head been wrecked

The chan chan man

Just do it then. You’re practically living like husband and wife anyway - mortgage/living together/constant nagging, so go for it...

gctest50

punisher5112 wrote: »

..............

the surprise on her face was priceless...

Excellent thought. Dump her over the nagging, it'll just get worse. Then you'll see surprise

Caryatnid

paddy739 wrote: »

i want it to be a surprise.

A surprise?? You just bought a house together, and say you feel the same way as her. But instead of agreeing to get engaged/married as equal adults, you want to pretend she's not the woman you want to marry, just so she'll be surprised? Seems like a mind game!! If you want to surprise her, propose to her sister. It's really not gonna surprise anyone when a committed couple in their thirties get engaged. If you really want to marry her, talk to her like an equal adult.

MadYaker

How could it possibly be a surprise if you’ve already discussed it with her?? Very odd post. Ye are basically married already so why not just buy a ring and get it over with? The only thing that will change is she’ll be absolutely delighted and will stop nagging you.

BDI

This is how most engagements work. Do you honestly think the fella hires a photographer, brings the missus to the beach when she has full make up and a dress on and writes will you marry me in the sand. Without her not having already demanded these things.

In other news you will get up on Sunday morning to be told you are going to your own mothers for dinner and nobody told you till now.

Professor Genius

She sounds like a head wreck. After this it will be looking for numerous babies. If your not on the same page you might be as well to call it a day.

appledrop

To be honest I think your the one acting like a child not your girlfriend.

Your either committed to this relationship + want to get engaged or married to her or else you need to move on.

It's not fair on her to be messing her around. Your living together etc so I'd be worried about why you cant take the next step. Stop messing her around + make up your mind.

kerryjack

Well anything goes these days A lad I know went on his stag with his grow up son's and he has been living with his partner for last 25 years and now decides to get married. It's when the kids come along that's the serious commitment in my opinion are ye on the same page there OP.

I'm with the 'not even fiance'.

Would you consider yourself empathetic or generally perceptive or not OP?

Any reason for not committing at such a late stage such as being cheated on previously?

Agree with other posters re 'surprise' considering you're not in your early 20s.

BTW, I wouldn't even wait to buy a token ring, or even a formal proposal at this stage... the surprise thing is totally gone. Just say, 'lets get married'.

appledrop

Kerryjack I get what your saying + of course everyone is different + no rule nowadays that couples have to get married.

However in OP case it's very clear his girlfriend does want to get married so if he doesn't he should stop messing her around.

Batgurl

To be honest, you sound like you could be one of those “I will yea” guys who are asked to do something while playing the PlayStation and then hours later you check and they haven’t moved an inch and haven’t done what they said they’d do.

I find that some men have no concept of time or time management. As someone else said, Ye are in yer early 30’s. (Assume 32) Getting engaged now means it could be at least 1-2 years before getting married (so 34 by the time getting married). Kids don’t always happen when you want them to so ye could be trying another couple of years before getting pregnant (assume 36). It then takes 9 months to grow a baby so she could be 37 before you have your first baby.

I hope ye don’t plan on having any more than 1 because realistically ye are gonna want to wait a year before trying for a second (38) and then it could take another year or 2 before getting lucky again (40).

Regardless of the statistical chances of conceiving at 40, do you understand the toll and risk to a woman’s body carrying a baby at that age? It’s no wonder she’s keen to get your arse in gear.

(Appreciate some people will tell me how mad I am and that my numbers are extreme, but I’m basing it on a bad case scenario and yes this happened to someone I know).

artanevilla

The proposal should be the surprise not the engagement.

NewMan1982

Haha there’s some mad assumptions on this thread.

Do it in your own time and don’t be pressured.

For fun, you could keep making surprise arrangements with her and have her expecting a proposal

On another note not everyone wants to get married.

NewMan1982

NewMan1982 wrote: »

Do it in your own time and don’t be pressured.

Yeah, OP... take the advice of someone who's never had a girlfriend

Here's an incentive for you OP. Think of the most crazy, fantasy filled sex you'd hardly dare suggest to your girlfriend... and ask her the evening you propose

It's going to happen then or never ! :cool:

cj maxx

Good thinking CW

cjmc

cjmc wrote: »

Good thinking CW

I have my moments.

TimeToShine

Sounds to me like OP is getting cold feet except without having gone through the formal process of an engagement.

You are for all intents and purposes married, you don't have any freedom of choice here unfortunately, a series of committal moves on both your behalves have led to this. Give her what she wants and accept that a little panic and cold feet is a normal part of the process.

MissShihTzu

I don't understand. If you don't intend on making the commitment of marriage, then why did you buy a house with your partner?

I've been burned like this. Bought property with someone I wasn't engaged to, never mind married. You can guess what happened next...No ring, no wedding, and a whole lot of headaches trying to sort the situation out financially!

Buying a house together is a huge commitment. You might as well go all the way and get engaged and married! If not? Time to put on your big boy pants!

Think about what you really want and have a serious chat about where all this is going...

qwerty13

The life decision really was made when you bought a house together. If you were happy to do that, then surely you’re happy to formalise things legally?

Legal stuff is important. I know of someone who wasn’t married, he died, and she is in a world of hassle and lots of tax. And worse, because he died without a will, and she doesn’t get on with his parents. So the legal aspect of marriage / joint asset ownership is very important. And that’s before you even go there re kids. Marriage is a legal contract. People can dress it up in fairy stories, but it is a legal contract that confers advantageous rights. And safeguards assets.

I think you should get married, for both of your legal protection. If however she wants the pretend ‘surprise’ proposal, and Insta fuss over her, then I can understand you not wanting that being talked about so frequently. Sounds like a low key wedding would suit you OP.but then I think you said you wanted it to be a ‘surprise’ proposal, so I guess I’m a bit confused about that.

Yellow pack crisps

If she is that keen then why doesn’t she propose to you?

Caryatnid

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

If she is that keen then why doesn’t she propose to you?

Apparently she does every few days but he won't give her a straight answer.

bit of balance be no harm in these comments, so:

whats she constantly obsessed and moaning to her equal partner about when theyre in the middle of other, important and long-term commitments anyway?

it's 2019. its embarrassing that there's still women carrying on like this over marriage when everything that matters (or should matter) more in a relationship no longer relies upon it.

fair enough, the buck should let her know it's coming. but if he was pressuring her into something as expensive and indulgent just to please him by badgering her every two days about it while they built a house, you can be damned sure hed be the bad guy in the eyes of anyone here telling him to "just do it"

2019 and her crying every two days at him for a wedding, my gawd. i cant even.