What's the etiquette here??

Martin Lanigan · 20-02-2020 3:43pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Similar problem myself this evening . Had a long day without pooping and was touching cloth when I pulled up at the house , threw the jacket off on the porch , the boots were kicked off as I walked across the utility in a hurry and my ass was on the toilet seat the second the trousers touched the travertine .
I slipped out a perfectly formed all in one solid turd . Then the trouble started , one of the kids had left the last sheet of TP on the roll but it was the one that was glued so I had a job to get even enough to cover my fingertips off for a miserable wipe .
I said nothing about it yet but was in bad form atin' the lamb chops after .
How would I teach the two boys a lesson in this ? I think they might have known what they were at and could even have done it to get a "rise" out of me ! They are still pissing out the door for the craic , if they get up at the same time one uses the sliding door in the sitting room and the other lashes it out the front door !

I blame the parents.

Martin Lanigan · 20-02-2020 3:44pm

Woke Hogan wrote: »

We didn’t dump her, we sent her to live with my sister for her secondary school years.

At least you didn’t dump on her. That would have disturbing!

Brendan Bendar · 20-02-2020 3:45pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Everyman has an emergency wipe on each foot Johnny, so it's very easily solved if you find yourself in a crapper sans paper. Simply dispose of the sh1te covered socks in the cistern in protest then afterwards. Simples.

Hmmm, if she’s ‘loose’ and spread,a sock may not suffice.

Lot of ‘hipsters’ like John might be wearing those ‘shoe socks’ which certainly wouldn’t cover a porridgy unloading well worked into arse cheeks and seeping down the inner thighs.

Take a center fold of the Ooirish Daily Mail to clear up that spillage.

NeinNeinNein · 20-02-2020 4:14pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm, if she’s ‘loose’ and spread,a sock may not suffice.

Lot of ‘hipsters’ like John might be wearing those ‘shoe socks’ which certainly wouldn’t cover a porridgy unloading well worked into arse cheeks and seeping down the inner thighs.

Take a center fold of the Ooirish Daily Mail to clear up that spillage.

Paper never refused stink.

Woke Hogan · 20-02-2020 4:18pm

Martin Lanigan wrote: »

At least you didn’t dump on her. That would have disturbing!

The way she goes on, we might as well have!!

Martin Lanigan · 20-02-2020 4:29pm

Woke Hogan wrote: »

The way she goes on, we might as well have!!

She sounds pretty ungrateful. You were probably right to focus all your energies on getting it right second time around with her younger brother.

Fireball81 · 20-02-2020 6:27pm

So the end of the week sees the refurbishment of the traps on our floor at work nearly completed. Have had to share other facilities this week and as expected it's been difficult to get a seat at times.

Looking forward to christening the new whiteware on Monday when they are due to reopen. Rumour has it that privacy has been beefed up and where there was once a gap at the bottom of the cubical wall it's now down to the ground and fully closed in.

Surely that means soundproofing is improved, like I say I can't wait for a dump on Monday, will have to have something special for dinner on Sunday night so it has time to exit the cheeks on Monday morning.

Then for Monday afternoon i think if the soundproofing is adequate, i'll test another trap out for a Thomas the tank.

If there's anything to beat being paid to poo it's being paid to tug lol

Monday is gonna be great as I test the new facilities - what a time to be alive!

gerrybbadd · 20-02-2020 6:29pm

You filthy kernt

EmmetSpiceland · 20-02-2020 6:30pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

You filthy kernt

Hear, hear!

JohnnyFlash · 20-02-2020 7:50pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm, if she’s ‘loose’ and spread,a sock may not suffice.

Lot of ‘hipsters’ like John might be wearing those ‘shoe socks’ which certainly wouldn’t cover a porridgy unloading well worked into arse cheeks and seeping down the inner thighs.

Take a center fold of the Ooirish Daily Mail to clear up that spillage.

Nah, pal, I favour a decent pair of thick wool socks at all times of the year. Would certainly be able to handle even the cleanup from a very loose and sudden discharge, but I’d worry that it would cause severe irritation to the badge and surrounding areas. Maybe little strands of fibre working it’s way into the books and crannies as well.

Very much last resort type of scenario. Like having to saw off your own leg to escape from a burning building.

Bullocks · 20-02-2020 11:09pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Nah, pal, I favour a decent pair of thick wool socks at all times of the year. Would certainly be able to handle even the cleanup from a very loose and sudden discharge, but I’d worry that it would cause severe irritation to the badge and surrounding areas. Maybe little strands of fibre working it’s way into the books and crannies as well.

Very much last resort type of scenario. Like having to saw off your own leg to escape from a burning building.

Thick wool is the way to go, they offer better airflow than any other and cope with damp conditions as good as when they were on a ewes back out on the wet hills of Connemara, and I've never seen one of them with athletes foot!
Just keep an eye out for maggots between June and Oct John. I'd hate to see you ate to the bone from the toes up!

JohnnyFlash · 21-02-2020 12:06am

Fireball81 wrote: »

Looking forward to christening the new whiteware on Monday when they are due to reopen. Rumour has it that privacy has been beefed up and where there was once a gap at the bottom of the cubical wall it's now down to the ground and fully closed in.

Hope the rumours are true, dude. It really is the optimal design for a cubicle. I've always been slightly perplexed when the left and right walls are floor to roof, but the door itself is some flimsy job with an 18" gap at the bottom.

I remember visiting the old HQ of a large semi-state a number of years back. Helped myself to a very generous and heavily subsidised fried breakfast, and afterwards made my way to the shítters to 'get rid of a clingy lover' before the meeting.

Incredible facilities. Solid brick walls on either side of the cubicle, and a door that wouldn't be out of place in St Peter's Basilica. Perfect temperatures for smooth discharge, plenty of rolls of 3-ply, and pleasant piped musak (a pan-pipe version of A Bridge Over Troubled Waters if I remember correctly), and a classic Armitage Shanks commode. Outside they had one of those paper towel dispensers that works on a sensor.

It's the sort of facility that really sets you up for the day. No 'hoop hesitancy' or any of that sort of thing.

Martin Lanigan · 21-02-2020 12:26am

If you had asked me in December 2019 whether I had ever sh@t myself since entering adulthood more than 20 years earlier, I could honestly answer No. A few close shaves, turtle heads and splattered toilets, but otherwise no.

Then came January 2020.

Early January I was in my bedroom packing for an early flight to the US the next morning, I knew I needed to go but had been putting it off all day. Big mistake. It just came out without asking. Luckily I was able to clean up and hide the jocks for later disposal, trousers were unaffected.

A week later, I got back from the US in the evening and stayed with my parents that night. All good. Next morning I was sitting in the kitchen in my jocks eating a sausage sandwich when I passed wind. But I didn’t just pass wind. I slowly ate the last bite of the sandwich, politely excused myself from the table and ran up the stairs to check the damage, praying that the kitchen chair wouldn’t give the game away. Another jocks for disposal but I firmly believe I got away with it.

So I am now 39 days clean and counting.

ILikeBoats · 23-02-2020 7:00pm

Big fan of this thread. My vocabulary has increased dramatically because of it too.

My first contribution...

Currently in Newark airport. I availed of the lounge services in Dublin earlier. I think the intake of 3 yoghurts topped off with a few complimentary cans of Elysian Space Dust IPA on the plane set off some sort of curdling process in the lower "chambers".

Strolling around Newark waiting on the connection, the hostages decided they wanted to escape. As we all know, the traps in the USA are like a peep show with their insane gaps in the paneling. It is uncomfortable to make eye-contact while doing your "business". Luckily I'm travelling for work so have the business perks - I made a beeline for the lounge, I had a hope that they'd be a little bit more respectful.

I was pleasantly surprised. There were 8 individual rooms - full walls, full doors, a nice little shelf for the bag, lovely accoutrements for cleaning the hands. It was a big relief for my big relief. There was even some "chill-out" ibiza style tunes being piped in. 10/10 would recommend.

Fireball81 · 23-02-2020 10:29pm

Was over in Twickenham for the game earlier, the nasty pints in the ground forced me to use the horrible cold facilities under the stands - at least they had paper...

Anyhow, a curry on the way to Heathrow and a few pints before the flight, should set me up nicely to use the sparkling new facilities on the office in the morning!

Nevin Parsnipp · 23-02-2020 11:02pm

Fireball81 wrote: »

Was over in Twickenham for the game earlier, the nasty pints in the ground forced me to use the horrible cold facilities under the stands - at least they had paper...

Anyhow, a curry on the way to Heathrow and a few pints before the flight, should set me up nicely to use the sparkling new facilities on the office in the morning!

My money says you will spatter the sh1tter on the plane and have only hard nobbets to pop in the new facility.

Poor forward planning my friend...you will miss a glorious oppo to put the new privvies out of commission on day one ...with a gush of loose foul smelling midden that completely fouls at least one trap.

Amateur stuff.....

JohnnyFlash · 23-02-2020 11:19pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

My money says you will spatter the sh1tter on the plane and have only hard nobbets to pop in the new facility.

Poor forward planning my friend...you will miss a glorious oppo to put the new privvies out of commission on day one ...with a gush of loose foul smelling midden that completely fouls at least one trap.

Amateur stuff.....

The dude was hardly expected to keep it on the clutch for the night was he, Nevin?

No offence, dude, but you are talkin’ out your hole.

Fireball81 · 23-02-2020 11:25pm

Lads am back home, tired after an early start and in an attempt to keep my poo shoot closed till I can get to the new facilities in the office in the morning, about to hit the hay.

Like a kid on Christmas eve!!

tjdaly · 24-02-2020 12:58am

Just stretched out my birth canal with a gravelly mountain of aromatic midden. Strange smell of Kaffir keaves from the mound. Followed that up with a few soggy oats, chunks and driblets. Next came a stream of warm bowel water which spashed back up onto my arse cheeks and orifice.

The juice must have separated from the solids somewhere on approach. First God created the mountains. Then the rivers and sea.

Hotblack Desiato · 24-02-2020 1:07am

Fireball81 wrote: »

Lads am back home, tired after an early start and in an attempt to keep my poo shoot closed till I can get to the new facilities in the office in the morning, about to hit the hay.

Like a kid on Christmas eve!!

sounds risky. One's foot can easily slip off the clutch pedal while asleep.

So I hear.

Brendan Bendar · 24-02-2020 10:17am

tjdaly wrote: »

Just stretched out my birth canal with a gravelly mountain of aromatic midden. Strange smell of Kaffir keaves from the mound. Followed that up with a few soggy oats, chunks and driblets. Next came a stream of warm bowel water which spashed back up onto my arse cheeks and orifice.

The juice must have separated from the solids somewhere on approach. First God created the mountains. Then the rivers and sea.

The ‘pace car’ always stretches the muzzle a bit, the ‘peloton’ is usually smoother and looser.

Cartman78 · 24-02-2020 10:23am

Any word from Fireball81 yet lads?

Let's hope the clutch held overnight

Fireball81 · 24-02-2020 10:24am

Lads, the refurbished facilities 'opened' in the office this morning were better than I thought they could be.

Unless the tradesman tested them I think I had the first dump in trap 6 furthest from the door.

The rumours were true, the standard cubicles with gaps above and below the walls and doors are gone. They've been replaced with luxurious whiteware and a totally enclosed space with good sound proofing

Started with a thick long cable followed by a short splatter of lava at the end.

There's a fancy electronic paper dispenser which slows things down a little i guess but the upside is the sheets are presented with a perfect edge. The toilet seats are soft close too meaning no loud banging.

There's now also a shelf for a phone or something else small when two hands are required.

Lighting is not too bright and to finish it off they have some fancy Dyson hand driers and Molton Brown hand wash (normally only for girls buy hey its 2020 I guess).

Assume it will be busy today as everyone comes in for a look and to test the facilities. Will be revisiting later for perhaps a dump or to choke the chicken given the enhanced sound proofing now in place (normally use the disabled WC for that).

24-02-2020 10:54am

Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.

Brendan Bendar · 24-02-2020 10:59am

Deleted User wrote: »

Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.

I presume you sprayed the cube with a thin mist of ripe midden to show your displeasure?

24-02-2020 11:03am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I presume you sprayed the cube with a thin mist of ripe midden to show your displeasure?

Of course B, and I wasn't the only one. The one upside is that the gents facilities are directly across the corridor from the HR office. They are regularly subjected to a lingering and often brutal fent, especially on Monday mornings.

gerrybbadd · 24-02-2020 11:07am

Fireball81 wrote: »

Lads, the refurbished facilities 'opened' in the office this morning were better than I thought they could be.

Unless the tradesman tested them I think I had the first dump in trap 6 furthest from the door.

The rumours were true, the standard cubicles with gaps above and below the walls and doors are gone. They've been replaced with luxurious whiteware and a totally enclosed space with good sound proofing

Started with a thick long cable followed by a short splatter of lava at the end.

There's a fancy electronic paper dispenser which slows things down a little i guess but the upside is the sheets are presented with a perfect edge. The toilet seats are soft close too meaning no loud banging.

There's now also a shelf for a phone or something else small when two hands are required.

Lighting is not too bright and to finish it off they have some fancy Dyson hand driers and Molton Brown hand wash (normally only for girls buy hey its 2020 I guess).

Assume it will be busy today as everyone comes in for a look and to test the facilities. Will be revisiting later for perhaps a dump or to choke the chicken given the enhanced sound proofing now in place (normally use the disabled WC for that).

Again, you filthy kernt.

I'd say anyone passing is under the impression that someone very special is availing of the facilities when you're in there strangling the trouser trout. Grunting

Slideways · 24-02-2020 12:12pm

Shaking at the knees as he leaves a silver snake hanging off the over sized taps in the sink.

Sickening really

gerrybbadd · 24-02-2020 1:26pm

Slideways wrote: »

Shaking at the knees as he leaves a silver snake hanging off the over sized taps in the sink.

Sickening really

Definite etiquette breaker.

NeinNeinNein · 24-02-2020 1:30pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.

That's harsh, sounds like something from WWII.

24-02-2020 1:32pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

That's harsh, sounds like something from WWII.

The building dates from the 90's and was built with a lot of corners cut. There are no windows for example. Staff comfort was not a priority.

JohnnyFlash · 24-02-2020 1:43pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper.

Jesus H. Christ. You talking about this affront to humanity?

Those things are a real sign of late stage capitalism. It will be a few years until we have the people who came up with that idea hanging from cranes, so in the interim I’d suggest you express your displeasure by top-decking any facility that uses them.

be safe pictures

24-02-2020 2:25pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Jesus H. Christ. You talking about this affront to humanity?

Those things are a real sign of late stage capitalism. It will be a few years until we have the people who came up with that idea hanging from cranes, so in the interim I’d suggest you express your displeasure by top-decking any facility that uses them.

be safe pictures

We actually had those ones before, now we have cheaper ones. Thin strips of single ply "paper" are dispensed. You have to be careful pulling it out or it just tears straight off the roll and you have to stick your hand in to try and fish out the edge so you can get more paper out. ****ing things are a disgrace.

Fireball81 · 24-02-2020 2:37pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Dead jealous here. We had a revamp at work not too long ago that managed to downgrade the facilities. Solid doors taken out and replaced with flimsy mdf items. New doors weren't wide enough for the cubicles so they had to put two fake timber strips on each side of the cubicle to narrow the gap and hang the door off. Paper dispensers were replaced with inferior items that only grudgingly dispense single ply tissue paper. The floor tiles were taken out and replaced with a horrible looking rough finish grey lino. Horrible job all around. Good luck with your new facilities, sounds like a good place to take some company time.

I'm very happy with the facilities lads, I already waste a good amount of time in there, this could just make that amount of time even more.

As for the above, the arseholes sound like they don't want you to have a dump at work, making the facilities so ****.

Re choking the chicken, I'm very considerate when doing it and try and limit it to only 2-3 times a week in the office and always make sure the splurge ends up in the bowl, would be unsavoury allowing spillage.

Fireball81 · 24-02-2020 6:34pm

Off topic slightly, whacked one out earlier in the safe surroundings of a fully enclosed self enclosed cubical.

Pure bliss...

Between this and pleasant dumpings dunno how I'm going to get any work done....a great Monday all round I must say.

JohnnyFlash · 24-02-2020 8:31pm

Fireball81 wrote: »

Off topic slightly, whacked one out earlier in the safe surroundings of a fully enclosed self enclosed cubical.

Pure bliss...

Between this and pleasant dumpings dunno how I'm going to get any work done....a great Monday all round I must say.

Would you not feel a bit emotionally spent after trying to pull the skeleton out of yourself in the disabled shïtter? Beating it like it owed you money, before throwing your eyes up towards the back of your head and releasing a load of prick paste?

Don’t know if I’d be up for an afternoon of excel formulas after that.

Brendan Bendar · 24-02-2020 11:21pm

You would have legs like ‘snapped candles’ after unloading that gout of ball batther, John.

Barely able to stumble back to your pod.

Even Susie with the fat arse out of ‘inquiries’ wouldn’t bring in a rise.

Bullocks · 24-02-2020 11:31pm

What's wrong with ye lads ?
A young healthy man should be well allowed to pull the handle off his belly at work and clear the mind of any distractions , personally I couldn't care if it was in the disabled toilet (sure they get feck all use anyhow ), portaloo or even a slow rub through the trousers and catch the load in the leg of the long johns while sitting in the van .

Bullocks · 24-02-2020 11:34pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You would have legs like ‘snapped candles’ after unloading that gout of ball batther, John.

Barely able to stumble back to your pod.

Even Susie with the fat arse out of ‘inquiries’ wouldn’t bring in a rise.

The smell of hormones after throwing the meat around the cubicles would bring Susie and her fat arse coming with her own "inquiries " dare I say

Brendan Bendar · 24-02-2020 11:40pm

Bullocks wrote: »

The smell of hormones after throwing the meat around the cubicles would bring Susie and her fat arse coming with her own "inquiries " dare I say

She’d be fizzing like ‘bottled Bass’ and leave at five o clock with a good ‘glaze’ on the bacon butty

Bullocks · 24-02-2020 11:45pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

She’d be fizzing like ‘bottled Bass’ and leave at five o clock with a good ‘glaze’ on the bacon butty

A spring in her step , and maybe even turning up her top lip like a mare that was just trotted past a thoroughbred stallion .

Brendan Bendar · 24-02-2020 11:53pm

Bullocks wrote: »

A spring in her step , and maybe even turning up her top lip like a mare that was just trotted past a thoroughbred stallion .

Dripping like a George Foreman Grill, and getting a good batther up..

Pintman Paddy Losty · 25-02-2020 12:21am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Dripping like a George Foreman Grill, and getting a good batther up..

Go to bed Brendan before you give yourself a stroke you old codger.

EmmetSpiceland · 25-02-2020 12:34am

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Go to bed Brendan before you give yourself a stroke you old codger.

I’d say he’s given it a few of “those” already, P. Has the tissues out too, no doubt.

Slideways · 25-02-2020 1:00am

More of a business sock from Dunnes merchant. Turn it inside out and break it over the headboard before wearing it again the next morning. Filthy old man

shadydestroyer · 25-02-2020 4:11am

I always thought toilet brushes were for cleaning ****e off the side of the rim and for unclogging toilets.

Anyway last week in Work I took a bit of a messy dump and my arse hair was due a good trim so used quite a bit of toilet paper to try and wipe clean.

Sure the jacks was a mess after me and I tried to flush and the jacks was clogged with water coming up near the brim. I got the toilet brush anyway and started trying to unclog it and wiping marks off the bowl.

Well I didn't think it through because most of the ****ty toilet paper was on the brush and tried my best to get it off but couldn't. Every bristle was clogged with ****ty toilet paper so I left it back in its stand.

Notices were up in the jacks today to "Please respect the facilities as we have received numerous complaints about the condition of the gents toilets".

Oh well, A lesson learned about toilet brushes.

Fireball81 · 25-02-2020 8:15am

Bullocks wrote: »

What's wrong with ye lads ?
A young healthy man should be well allowed to pull the handle off his belly at work and clear the mind of any distractions , personally I couldn't care if it was in the disabled toilet (sure they get feck all use anyhow ), portaloo or even a slow rub through the trousers and catch the load in the leg of the long johns while sitting in the van .

My thoughts exactly, if it was an Olympic sport I'd be a gold medalist and the office is a perfectly acceptable place to do it - whilst getting paid!

Bullocks · 25-02-2020 10:06am

Fireball81 wrote: »

My thoughts exactly, if it was an Olympic sport I'd be a gold medalist and the office is a perfectly acceptable place to do it - whilst getting paid!

Belt away Fireball and don't let these lads stifle your artistic "doodling" but maybe keep it to the wc as opposed to the office. Other office users probably won't put up with it haha

tjdaly · 25-02-2020 3:27pm

Workplace masturbators make me sick. We have one in our office. Young chubby fellah who always exits the jacks with rosy cheeks and red trembling fat fingers. He's been caught at it before, and you'd often see jism floating in the bowl later in the day. Like clockwork when he's finished his **** he starts chomping into a turkey roll. Vile.

25-02-2020 3:31pm

tjdaly wrote: »

Workplace masturbators make me sick. We have one in our office. Young chubby fellah who always exits the jacks with rosy cheeks and red trembling fat fingers. He's been caught at it before, and you'd often see jism floating in the bowl later in the day. Like clockwork when he's finished his **** he starts chomping into a turkey roll. Vile.

Will the real 'tgdaly' please stand up.

What's the etiquette here??

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