Mothers being victim-y

Yep, I owe my mother in this life. For her just giving birth to me.

Growing up my mother always preferred her boys. She made that clear. While always got the girls down. I have a sister who puts up with it though.

My earliest memory was being sent to school wearing nappies at 5 years old. We weren't allowed the life skills to progress in life.

At 8 years old, our school was giving students the option to take swimming lessons once a week. Nope, we weren't allowed swimming lessons. My two older brothers were. Along comes my younger brother and he was allowed swimming lessons.

During homework, she would fly into a fit of range telling me to sweep the floor and wiping everyone's lunch boxes. It was never good enough. But her boys were the golden boys, they can do a better job of it, why ask me. Oh yeah, so I won't learn, I'm so bold I need locking out of the house in the middle of the night. Always brought back in before the pubs clothes. We can't let daddy see me being locked up outside, it will only bring attention to her behaviour.

I was 10 years old when she started verbally and almost physically threatening me. I always got threats from her with her waving anything she could hit me with. It was around this time my dad was having an affair and my two older brothers were bringing their friends home, both boys and girls. I got the nastiness from her for being so bitter.

This went on for a few years but there was a pattern to her behaviour. She always started when my brothers friends came around. She would terrorise me until I snap. This is what she wanted. Maybe some proof that I was the bad child.

I was in sixth class when she tried to put me into a home for kids with mental issues. I don't know why she didn't follow through. Maybe the specialists realised there wasn't anything wrong with me. She couldn't follow through then because eyes would be on her.

During secondary school, we weren't allowed friends, weren't allowed to bring them over. Weren't allowed to go out with them. The problem was half mine, i never lied to her.

During the leaving cert, I wasn't allowed to study. This would mean I would do good. After the leaving cert, i was meant to go straight into work and earn money. College was never meant for me. There was very little work in my village but she did nothing but threathen me all summer. Not my brother the year before that.

This brings me into our 20s... I finish college and get work. My brothers on more pay than i am. Housekeeping was only expected of the girls. While we also payed bills and bought our food. While my mother done everything for her boys. Bought their food, made dinners, bought new beds for them, gave them handouts going on holidays while they drank their money every weekend. My brother was going to Canada for a year and he got three separate handouts from my mother. A handout for buying luggage. You shouldn't be going if you can't afford a bag. A holiday handout from my mother and a dole advancement, because you are allowed two weeks holiday with the dole and my mother was hoping to pick it up at the post office. While I did mention dole, you might expect where the money came from for a years holiday. He falsly claimed everything on insurance because someone drove into him in a car park. Dressed it up completely. Even if he didnt, there was a nice payout for him but he still needed handouts. When i went, i didn't even get a drink for the airport. I had the same bed for 22 years, and the landlord that she was trying to be would never replace it. But she did for all my brothers. I bet she was rubbing her face in their dirty jocks.

There would have been war if we ever questioned her and her housekeeping rules. She flat out refused to take money from my brother when he went waving it in her face. Or when my sister asked my brother and he said no.

I was learning how to drive in my twenties and I was meant to fail my test 11 times because thats what her sister did. I was never good enough to pass. I passed it first time, while her boys had to do it twice.

I could be here all day. But she thinks we, the females owe her and her boys in life. But she doesn't owe me, like a brand new bed perhaps.

Only last year, a letter came in the door about a loan my parents took out when i was 3 years old. It was never paid off. But my mother felt the need to through the letter in my face and to my sister's. But, we can't mention it to the grown up boys. She always had a problem with asking for money of them, but this was not our loan to pay off. And if she had intentions of passing it on but only to us, I wasn't paying it. She has 5 grown up kids, not 2.

My brother has a partner in Australia. She's a teachers. Our next door teachers are meant to be rich for being teachers. My brother must have hit the jackpot with her. But no, when their kid was due, "every little bit helps". Never mind about his brand new car bought the year before that in Australia. Here she is with her poor boys again and trying to give them handouts again. Clearly oceans isn't enough distance for them.

I went home last summer to find pictures all over the house of my three brothers. You might say something with two of them emigrated but there is a brother at home too and there's a picture of him. There was also a picture of my brother's partner. I gave her a picture of me to include in her display. Six weeks later when i went home next, it wasn't displayed. She would rather proudly display a picture of my brother's partner. Told me I was being childish. I was meant to shut up and put up with it, even as an adult, i wasn't allowed to express myself. I turned my back and walked. I never went back. I had enough. What am I meant to do, continue on with the abuse in my 30s.

She never had any intention to display my picture with the others. When I kicked up a fuss the last time I was home. She removed her pictures of my brothers and partner. That says alot, nothing ever got in the way of her boys. She would rather remove their pictures than proudly display mine. Like removing their pictures was going to undo what she did. The fact is, she prefers my brother's partner.

I will always be put down by her and if i have kids, there will be nothing but pure hatred from her. Nothing will change in my 30s if I continue going home to her abuse and put downs.

What happens if i get shacked up with a teacher, she will think i will have more money than ever. Never mind about my brother and new cars and teacher partner. I could get shacked up with a shop worker and she will always think i'll have more money for her. That was life for her, her boys and money.

I haven't seen her since last October, i sometimes wish it would be different but she didn't make an effort to apologise either or explain why i wasn't included in her display.