Mothers being victim-y

thattequilagirl

Do your mothers do a lot of the

"And all I did/do for you..."

I get a lot of it from my mam, and a lot of general feeling sorry for herself.

I used to think it was just her nature but I have a lot of friends whose parents are the same.

Like I won't take money off my mother for anything because if I do it will surely be thrown in my face next time I disagree with her on anything.

Every time my siblings and I come home we get the "Ye treat this house like a hotel" rigmarole.

I don't understand why she feels so hard done by. We're generally speaking good to our parents. She took early retirement last year at 57 and has a generous pension she uses to travel a lot.

I'm not close to her, and that bothers her (you know, after ALL she did for me), but if she dropped this victim mindset I'd be much more likely to spend time with her.

Anyone else have a mother like this?

Raging_Ninja

Don't worry, when you get to the same age you'll be the same way.

ahnowbrowncow

"You ruptured my vagina"

Tefral

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Do your mothers do a lot of the

"And all I did/do for you..."

I get a lot of it from my mam, and a lot of general feeling sorry for herself.

I used to think it was just her nature but I have a lot of friends whose parents are the same.

Like I won't take money off my mother for anything because if I do it will surely be thrown in my face next time I disagree with her on anything.

Every time my siblings and I come home we get the "Ye treat this house like a hotel" rigmarole.

I don't understand why she feels so hard done by. We're generally speaking good to our parents. She took early retirement last year at 57 and has a generous pension she uses to travel a lot.

I'm not close to her, and that bothers her (you know, after ALL she did for me), but if she dropped this victim mindset I'd be much more likely to spend time with her.

Anyone else have a mother like this?

Nope and I haven't heard that really in my circle of friends either. I have to stop my mam looking to help me ha ha. When I go out for dinner she'd be loading up my plate. She still thinks I'm a ten year old boy and I love her for it.

SEPT 23 1989

Are you a parent OP?

thattequilagirl

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Are you a parent OP?

Nope, but if I become one I don't turn out like that!

osarusan

I don't have a mother like that but I have friends who have.

It's an ugly emotional guilt trip which is really spiteful in a way.

I have a mother who I would give everything I have just to hear her say "...and all I have done for you".

Yes there are abusive toxic mothers out there who are nothing short of monsters. But I find it difficult to listen to whinging about mammy's.

TG1

Nope, my mom's the opposite, always says she didn't stop being a parent the minute we turned 18, and is always there for anything. It's great and now as we are all older and are getting a chance to appreciate how good she's been she is now one of the most spoiled mothers in Ireland I think! But it's well deserved, she'd do anything for anyone of us... That's the mother I want to be if I ever have kids...

thattequilagirl

Deleted User wrote: »

I have a mother who I would give everything I have just to hear her say "...and all I have done for you".

Yes there are abusive toxic mothers out there who are nothing short of monsters. But I find it difficult to listen to whinging about mammy's.

I know it's a first world problem. I just hate the idea that it's somehow my responsibility to make her happy. I can't do that. Especially since she won't change the thing that causes her most of her unhappiness (being married to my father)

It's like she looks for the affection she should be getting from her husband from us instead.

thattequilagirl

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I know it's a first world problem. I just hate the idea that it's somehow my responsibility to make her happy. I can't do that. Especially since she won't change the thing that causes her most of her unhappiness (being married to my father)

It's like she looks for the affection she should be getting from her husband from us instead.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to have an understanding of your plight. Usually I'm the queen of empathy. When it comes to mammies though it's a different feeling for me.

thattequilagirl

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm finding it extremely difficult to have an understanding of your plight. Usually I'm the queen of empathy. When it comes to mammies though it's a different feeling for me.

I'm not surprised- I find people who are close to their mothers don't understand at all and people who relate tend to have a lot of similarities in how we grew up.

thattequilagirl

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I'm not surprised- I find people who are close to their mothers don't understand at all and people who relate tend to have a lot of similarities in how we grew up.

Personally speaking it is not so much because we are close but because she is so sick.

Life is short. Perhaps your mam feels a little lost and longs for a close relationship with you. I don't know. But what I do know is pick your battles. Give your mam a hug the next time you see her.

melissak

Having small kids is hard sometimes and I complain about it sometimes but the joy you get out of it should be compensation for the effort. It is a shame that people still want thanks When their kids are grown. Like they weren't worth the effort. If my kids are good people I will be proud of myself as a mother and that is all I want as thanks
Having said that you only have one mammy.

Turtyturd

Not really from my Mam but I remember when I was younger my parents were on the verge of splitting up and my granny gave me a talk about all the great things my Mam had done and how I should take her side in whatever happened. Just straight out and said it, no subtly to it at all. Couldn't help but think what a horrible, poisonous individual she was for that.

Wabbit Ears

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I'm not surprised- I find people who are close to their mothers don't understand at all and people who relate tend to have a lot of similarities in how we grew up.

This^^, people who haven't experienced it personally cannot fully understand.

My Mam was and is a terrible mother and grandparent.

smash

Turtyturd wrote: »

Not really from my Mam but I remember when I was younger my parents were on the verge of splitting up and my granny gave me a talk about all the great things my Mam had done and how I should take her side in whatever happened. Just straight out and said it, no subtly to it at all. Couldn't help but think what a horrible, poisonous individual she was for that.

She sounds like a nasty bit of work!

My mum would see neediness like that as a poor reflection of her own personality, not mine. She's not the clingy type, she certainly doesn't feel I owe her. She's extremely independent though, as my dad often complains.

Mothers like the OP probably feel they have little control over their lives, that's why they make their happiness someone elses business to provide for them. If she felt she was in charge of her life she'd probably take more responsibility for her own well-being. It's sad for her and frustrating for the OP, but at this point it's probably a very ingrained behaviour.

Turtyturd

smash wrote: »

She sounds like a nasty bit of work!

Yep, worst part is that's just the tip of the iceberg. Yet she'd still have the audacity to walk around with her nose in the air looking down on others.

TheDriver

I see this a lot OP, pure septic guilt trips. Its awful and I have found ignoring phone calls and texts until the language is respectful is the only way. I wouldn't take it from my kids, from the teenagers I teach and not from my mother

thattequilagirl

I see it as being passive aggressive.

I limit my contact as a result and only come home once a month.

chooey

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Personally speaking it is not so much because we are close but because she is so sick.

Life is short. Perhaps your mam feels a little lost and longs for a close relationship with you. I don't know. But what I do know is pick your battles. Give your mam a hug the next time you see her.

This. My mam passed away very suddenly 3 weeks ago. Things can change so quickly. I'd give anything to have my mam back. She was the most amazing mother who did everything for us.

Lia_lia

No, my Mother is never like that. She brought us up mostly as a single parent while working multiple jobs at once to support us. Never once complained! She's great.

Although I do get the odd giving out about how difficult my childbirth was for her. And how she was left with a C section scar she didn't want. Haha. But she only says it in a joking kind of way.

The Raptor

Yep, I owe my mother in this life. For her just giving birth to me.

Growing up my mother always preferred her boys. She made that clear. While always got the girls down. I have a sister who puts up with it though.

My earliest memory was being sent to school wearing nappies at 5 years old. We weren't allowed the life skills to progress in life.

At 8 years old, our school was giving students the option to take swimming lessons once a week. Nope, we weren't allowed swimming lessons. My two older brothers were. Along comes my younger brother and he was allowed swimming lessons.

During homework, she would fly into a fit of range telling me to sweep the floor and wiping everyone's lunch boxes. It was never good enough. But her boys were the golden boys, they can do a better job of it, why ask me. Oh yeah, so I won't learn, I'm so bold I need locking out of the house in the middle of the night. Always brought back in before the pubs clothes. We can't let daddy see me being locked up outside, it will only bring attention to her behaviour.

I was 10 years old when she started verbally and almost physically threatening me. I always got threats from her with her waving anything she could hit me with. It was around this time my dad was having an affair and my two older brothers were bringing their friends home, both boys and girls. I got the nastiness from her for being so bitter.

This went on for a few years but there was a pattern to her behaviour. She always started when my brothers friends came around. She would terrorise me until I snap. This is what she wanted. Maybe some proof that I was the bad child.

I was in sixth class when she tried to put me into a home for kids with mental issues. I don't know why she didn't follow through. Maybe the specialists realised there wasn't anything wrong with me. She couldn't follow through then because eyes would be on her.

During secondary school, we weren't allowed friends, weren't allowed to bring them over. Weren't allowed to go out with them. The problem was half mine, i never lied to her.

During the leaving cert, I wasn't allowed to study. This would mean I would do good. After the leaving cert, i was meant to go straight into work and earn money. College was never meant for me. There was very little work in my village but she did nothing but threathen me all summer. Not my brother the year before that.

This brings me into our 20s... I finish college and get work. My brothers on more pay than i am. Housekeeping was only expected of the girls. While we also payed bills and bought our food. While my mother done everything for her boys. Bought their food, made dinners, bought new beds for them, gave them handouts going on holidays while they drank their money every weekend. My brother was going to Canada for a year and he got three separate handouts from my mother. A handout for buying luggage. You shouldn't be going if you can't afford a bag. A holiday handout from my mother and a dole advancement, because you are allowed two weeks holiday with the dole and my mother was hoping to pick it up at the post office. While I did mention dole, you might expect where the money came from for a years holiday. He falsly claimed everything on insurance because someone drove into him in a car park. Dressed it up completely. Even if he didnt, there was a nice payout for him but he still needed handouts. When i went, i didn't even get a drink for the airport. I had the same bed for 22 years, and the landlord that she was trying to be would never replace it. But she did for all my brothers. I bet she was rubbing her face in their dirty jocks.

There would have been war if we ever questioned her and her housekeeping rules. She flat out refused to take money from my brother when he went waving it in her face. Or when my sister asked my brother and he said no.

I was learning how to drive in my twenties and I was meant to fail my test 11 times because thats what her sister did. I was never good enough to pass. I passed it first time, while her boys had to do it twice.

I could be here all day. But she thinks we, the females owe her and her boys in life. But she doesn't owe me, like a brand new bed perhaps.

Only last year, a letter came in the door about a loan my parents took out when i was 3 years old. It was never paid off. But my mother felt the need to through the letter in my face and to my sister's. But, we can't mention it to the grown up boys. She always had a problem with asking for money of them, but this was not our loan to pay off. And if she had intentions of passing it on but only to us, I wasn't paying it. She has 5 grown up kids, not 2.

My brother has a partner in Australia. She's a teachers. Our next door teachers are meant to be rich for being teachers. My brother must have hit the jackpot with her. But no, when their kid was due, "every little bit helps". Never mind about his brand new car bought the year before that in Australia. Here she is with her poor boys again and trying to give them handouts again. Clearly oceans isn't enough distance for them.

I went home last summer to find pictures all over the house of my three brothers. You might say something with two of them emigrated but there is a brother at home too and there's a picture of him. There was also a picture of my brother's partner. I gave her a picture of me to include in her display. Six weeks later when i went home next, it wasn't displayed. She would rather proudly display a picture of my brother's partner. Told me I was being childish. I was meant to shut up and put up with it, even as an adult, i wasn't allowed to express myself. I turned my back and walked. I never went back. I had enough. What am I meant to do, continue on with the abuse in my 30s.

She never had any intention to display my picture with the others. When I kicked up a fuss the last time I was home. She removed her pictures of my brothers and partner. That says alot, nothing ever got in the way of her boys. She would rather remove their pictures than proudly display mine. Like removing their pictures was going to undo what she did. The fact is, she prefers my brother's partner.

I will always be put down by her and if i have kids, there will be nothing but pure hatred from her. Nothing will change in my 30s if I continue going home to her abuse and put downs.

What happens if i get shacked up with a teacher, she will think i will have more money than ever. Never mind about my brother and new cars and teacher partner. I could get shacked up with a shop worker and she will always think i'll have more money for her. That was life for her, her boys and money.

I haven't seen her since last October, i sometimes wish it would be different but she didn't make an effort to apologise either or explain why i wasn't included in her display.

The Raptor

The Raptor wrote: »

Yep, I owe my mother in this life. For her just giving birth to me.

I recognise you from the many times you've posted along these lines before in various guises. I'm not getting at you when I say that you need to get proper help instead of reiterating it ad nauseum, constantly going round in circles won't help you get out of the rut of rumination and negative thinking.

For your own sake, you need to get help to move forward.

One eyed Jack

I do actually understand where you're coming from OP as both my parents were very much the "you have no rights, you have responsibilities!" types (meaning responsibilities towards them), very much of the martyr mentality. The guilt tripping didn't do anything only drive a wedge between us tbh. I only really started to understand the effects of it when I was older and realised that the way they tried to control us and keep us in their servitude, was the very thing which drove myself and my brothers and sister as far away from them as possible.

After my old man died, my mother was left on her own and that's when I figured, ok she's a martyr and all, but I wouldn't leave someone to their own devices like that, no matter what they did. I said it in another thread that she inspired my passion for education, and that's about all we have in common to talk about these days, but if it means that I'm able to take care of her at the same time while keeping the vultures in the family away from their perceived inheritance, it's not so bad.

(to be perfectly honest, I hope she sets a match to the house before she leaves, as it represents nothing but misery)

thattequilagirl

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I do actually understand where you're coming from OP as both my parents were very much the "you have no rights, you have responsibilities!" types (meaning responsibilities towards them), very much of the martyr mentality. The guilt tripping didn't do anything only drive a wedge between us tbh. I only really started to understand the effects of it when I was older and realised that the way they tried to control us and keep us in their servitude, was the very thing which drove myself and my brothers and sister as far away from them as possible.

After my old man died, my mother was left on her own and that's when I figured, ok she's a martyr and all, but I wouldn't leave someone to their own devices like that, no matter what they did. I said it in another thread that she inspired my passion for education, and that's about all we have in common to talk about these days, but if it means that I'm able to take care of her at the same time while keeping the vultures in the family away from their perceived inheritance, it's not so bad.

(to be perfectly honest, I hope she sets a match to the house before she leaves, as it represents nothing but misery)

It's interesting you mention looking after her as she gets older. My mother's mother is 87 and needs a lot of looking after. My mam does her share, but she's very bitter and resentful about it. Like if I ask how my gran is she'll say "Oh I had her in at the doctor today, then I went and picked up her prescription and did the shopping for her." And I'm there thinking, "My question was about how my granny is today, not what you've done for her.

I often wonder how she would feel in her old age if I talked about her as she talks about her own mother.

melissak

thattequilagirl wrote: »

It's interesting you mention looking after her as she gets older. My mother's mother is 87 and needs a lot of looking after. My mam does her share, but she's very bitter and resentful about it. Like if I ask how my gran is she'll say "Oh I had her in at the doctor today, then I went and picked up her prescription and did the shopping for her." And I'm there thinking, "My question was about how my granny is today, not what you've done for her.

I often wonder how she would feel in her old age if I talked about her as she talks about her own mother.

Her mother probably talked about her like that when she was dependant. Apples and trees and so on

DEFTLEFTHAND

My mother has a personality disorder. Playing the victim comes naturally to her, she manipulates people at every turn. I don't think I've ever known anybody so deeply flawed.

thattequilagirl

melissak wrote: »

Her mother probably talked about her like that when she was dependant. Apples and trees and so on

I think you're right, and I really hope to break that cycle.

thattequilagirl

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

My mother has a personality disorder. Playing the victim comes naturally to her, she manipulates people at every turn. I don't think I've ever known anybody so deeply flawed.

I believe my mother is also mentally ill. When I think of it like that, it's a bit easier to empathise with her, but it's just really hard to feel sorry for someone who spends so much time feeling sorry for themselves.

She should have divorced my dad decades ago but she's too codependent (and so is he, I think) They are two people who should never have ended up together.

While that's very sad, she often puts me in the middle between them while he does that very rarely... So I resent her more over it.

It taught me one important thing though - there are worse fates than ending up single. Being with the wrong person because you can't be alone is much worse.

Dolbert

No, my mammy's sound, just like me!

c montgomery

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Do your mothers do a lot of the

"And all I did/do for you..."

I get a lot of it from my mam, and a lot of general feeling sorry for herself.

I used to think it was just her nature but I have a lot of friends whose parents are the same.

Like I won't take money off my mother for anything because if I do it will surely be thrown in my face next time I disagree with her on anything.

Every time my siblings and I come home we get the "Ye treat this house like a hotel" rigmarole.

I don't understand why she feels so hard done by. We're generally speaking good to our parents. She took early retirement last year at 57 and has a generous pension she uses to travel a lot.

I'm not close to her, and that bothers her (you know, after ALL she did for me), but if she dropped this victim mindset I'd be much more likely to spend time with her.

Anyone else have a mother like this?

And you sound so delightful

DEFTLEFTHAND

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I believe my mother is also mentally ill. When I think of it like that, it's a bit easier to empathise with her, but it's just really hard to feel sorry for someone who spends so much time feeling sorry for themselves.

She should have divorced my dad decades ago but she's too codependent (and so is he, I think) They are two people who should never have ended up together.

While that's very sad, she often puts me in the middle between them while he does that very rarely... So I resent her more over it.

It taught me one important thing though - there are worse fates than ending up single. Being with the wrong person because you can't be alone is much worse.

Some similarities there with my own family there. My parents have a joyless marriage, my Dad is older and has just completely given up on her. He's unable to cope with her mental illness, he just doesn't acknowledge it.

It's sad really, two miserable people.

I find it hard to have sympathy with her though, she's done terrible things. I know she's ill but I can never forgive some of it.

thattequilagirl

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Some similarities there with my own family there. My parents have a joyless marriage, my Dad is older and has just completely given up on her. He's unable to cope with her mental illness, he just doesn't acknowledge it.

It's sad really, two miserable people.

I find it hard to have sympathy with her though, she's done terrible things. I know she's ill but I can never forgive some of it.

I think there's a lot of it in Ireland in the generations that grew up when you couldn't divorce.

melissak

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I think you're right, and I really hope to break that cycle.

You will. I think it is possible when you are conscious of the
pattern. I think it can be hard though. There are some things my mam did (minor in the scheme of things, she's good) that I do subconsciously and it's hard to stop

sonofenoch

'Like I won't take money off my mother for anything because if I do'


odd thing to say....how old are you? why would any adult take money off their parents for any reason ....never mind the consequence 'because if I do'

Fakman87

sonofenoch wrote: »

'Like I won't take money off my mother for anything because if I do'


odd thing to say....how old are you? why would any adult take money off their parents for any reason ....never mind the consequence 'because if I do'

Please no.

Every fcuking time there's a thread like this the holier than thou muppets show up to shame us all for not being self sufficient from the age of 8 with two paper rounds and a lemonade stand.

Just no.

Wabbit Ears

Fakman87 wrote:

Just no.

Faith in boards restored!!!

sonofenoch

Fakman87 wrote: »

Please no.

Every fcuking time there's a thread like this the holier than thou muppets show up to shame us all for not being self sufficient from the age of 8 with two paper rounds and a lemonade stand.

Just no.

Well then I'll leave the spongers to it and say no more say no more....


that and the mention of a 'generous pension' set my alarm off

Squall Leonhart

sonofenoch wrote:

that and the mention of a 'generous pension' set my alarm off

Might want to get that alarm sense recalibrated

thattequilagirl

Fakman87 wrote: »

Please no.

Every fcuking time there's a thread like this the holier than thou muppets show up to shame us all for not being self sufficient from the age of 8 with two paper rounds and a lemonade stand.

Just no.

I wondered if I should use that or another example, figured this would come up. What I meant was, I can't let her do anything for me (financial or otherwise) because if I do it's held over my head.

It could be as simple as that she made dinner.

If I then disagree with her on anything I'm ungrateful etc.

I mentioned her age and pension just in case anyone was picturing a poor old woman that has a bad standard of living, because that's not her at all.

tomwaterford

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I wondered if I should use that or another example, figured this would come up. What I meant was, I can't let her do anything for me (financial or otherwise) because if I do it's held over my head.

It could be as simple as that she made dinner.

If I then disagree with her on anything I'm ungrateful etc.

I mentioned her age and pension just in case anyone was picturing a poor old woman that has a bad standard of living, because that's not her at all.

All you can do is put up with her oddness and only see her when you want to

She's hardly going to change at this stage...if she's as unhappily married as you say....she most likely is just bitter and taking it out on you and might not mean it as much...but deisnt know any other way??

thattequilagirl

tomwaterford wrote: »

All you can do is put up with her oddness and only see her when you want to

She's hardly going to change at this stage...if she's as unhappily married as you say....she most likely is just bitter and taking it out on you and might not mean it as much...but deisnt know any other way??

This is exactly it.

That's what I try to do. Just offloading really!

tomwaterford

thattequilagirl wrote: »

This is exactly it.

That's what I try to do. Just offloading really!

It's a pity she's like that...but try make the best of it

She may not be around forever....just bring the apple tart when ya visit :pac:

Robsweezie

thattequilagirl wrote:

This is exactly it.

thattequilagirl wrote:

That's what I try to do. Just offloading really!

This may not be an option depending on the relationship, but maybe you could sit down with her over a cup of tea and just let it out, if it's affecting you severely.

thattequilagirl

Robsweezie wrote: »

This may not be an option depending on the relationship, but maybe you could sit down with her over a cup of tea and just let it out, if it's affecting you severely.

Sit down and talk openly about our feelings?! Yeah... Not that kinda family!

MadDog76

I LOVE MY MAM!!!!!!!!!



























What was the question?

Stonedpilot

Toxic mother's are quite comman in Ireland. If you grew up with some mother's with mental illness and alcohol, prescription drug problems it's truly extradinaory how manipulative they can be and being a martyr is a given to their selfish nature, cold, cynical nature.

Austria!

My own mother worries too much to the point where she is a victim. Like she was getting sick often when I was in Leaving Cert because of the stress of me doing it, though I was completely relaxed about it and always good at school, and did well. Unemployed at the moment and she's absolutely devastated about it, crying frequently. It's a weird thing to deal with. I hate to see her upset, but it's such an imposition like I can never have a problem.

failinis

Not about money but there are a lot of complex things going on with my older brothers and my mother feels stressed out and depressed of it.

I normally live in England and she skypes or phones me crying about how her boys dont love her (they do they are just bad at showing it because she pushes them away by dropping "messages" on them when they are busy enough like "can you not just draw up the plans for the garage".)
I am the youngest and feel what am I meant to do away from home and barely starting to live. What do I know about complex relationships and things like that. I try to avoid talking too long to her now as the converstaions snowball into bigger things.
Unintentional guilt trips. When I was younger she was... emotionally unstable and maybe emotionally and physically effected us plus being over protective... I don't know OP.
I tend to block all this bollox out.