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Are there nice guys out there?

  • 18-11-2020 11:08am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm late twenties and single. The guys I have been meeting lately have been horrible.

    Over the summer, I met what thought was a nice guy. We met randomly outdoors in town, got chatting, he seemed nice and we swapped numbers. We organised a socially distanced date. Within five minutes of this date he just wanted to lock lips, he completely disregarded my feelings and why it wasn't safe to kiss with all that's going on with covid. He kept asking to go to a quiter park as well, which I didn't allow happen. He was horrible, I didn't want to turn on him right there and then in case he done something, so I made an excuse and told him I'd be in touch. The next day he messaged me saying I was nice but I need to change my style. So he didn't like me dressing in jeans and t-shirt and he's already trying to change me. I ignored his message and then another message came through on my phone asking was anyone home and he will call to my place. He didn't know where I lived and I didn't tell him. I told this guy to get lost and I blocked him.

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?


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Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    datesgowrong wrote: »
    I'm late twenties and single. The guys I have been meeting lately have been horrible.

    Over the summer, I met what thought was a nice guy. We met randomly outdoors in town, got chatting, he seemed nice and we swapped numbers. We organised a socially distanced date. Within five minutes of this date he just wanted to lock lips, he completely disregarded my feelings and why it wasn't safe to kiss with all that's going on with covid. He kept asking to go to a quiter park as well, which I didn't allow happen. He was horrible, I didn't want to turn on him right there and then in case he done something, so I made an excuse and told him I'd be in touch. The next day he messaged me saying I was nice but I need to change my style. So he didn't like me dressing in jeans and t-shirt and he's already trying to change me. I ignored his message and then another message came through on my phone asking was anyone home and he will call to my place. He didn't know where I lived and I didn't tell him. I told this guy to get lost and I blocked him.

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?

    Happen to be going through similar myself the last while (Male, 29) and it’s discouraging me from dating at the moment. A lot of weirdos out there.


  • #3
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Ah there are yeah but unfortunately as the old saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince!

    I will say that its really positive that you are seeing these red flags and not accepting such behaviour. That shows that you are valuing yourself, which is great because that is the only way to find someone who will value you.

    Its hard at the minute with COVID but I will say, that for me it was only when I was living my life, doing stuff I enjoyed, that I met someone through one of those hobbies. Now I won't say I wasn't looking, because I was of course always open to meeting someone, but that was not my main focus when I met him. So figure out what your hobbies are and continue doing them as much as you can in the current COVID world.


  • #4
    Jimmy Bottlehead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,121 ✭✭✭✭Jimmy Bottlehead


    So you've met two arseholes and you're now wondering if there are ANY men who aren't creepy?

    1) Date more
    2) Maybe be more selective about who you date, or investigate whether you missed or ignored some warning signs with these two.


  • #5
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Most guys are nice. You just met two clowns one after the other. Unfortunate but not uncommon.

    Try to watch your self-talk. Two guys does not mean "the norm." It should mean, "lol. What a clown. Next". Good that you're setting boundaries with eejits when you meet them. Keep doing that. You'll probably meet more down the line. Consider it a gift of time - you will know pretty early when someone is not worth any further investment.


  • #6
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    On the one hand its good you find this stuff out early so you don't waste anymore time with them.

    But I wonder are you giving them a fair chance? Guy 2 asking why you were on Wassap at 3am....that seems like a fair question to me.


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  • #7
    This is it
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,682 ✭✭✭This is it


    eviltwin wrote: »
    On the one hand its good you find this stuff out early so you don't waste anymore time with them.

    But I wonder are you giving them a fair chance? Guy 2 asking why you were on Wassap at 3am....that seems like a fair question to me.

    Probably depends on the context of the question.

    "What were you doing on what's app at 3am?"

    None of your business, I'd be saying.

    "I saw on what's app you were online at 3am, what had you up that late!? You must be wrecked today?"

    Not as bad, but still...


  • #8
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    This is it wrote: »
    Probably depends on the context of the question.

    "What were you doing on what's app at 3am?"

    None of your business, I'd be saying.

    "I saw on what's app you were online at 3am, what had you up that late!? You must be wrecked today?"

    Not as bad, but still...

    Demanding to know is one thing but I wonder was it just making conversation.


  • #9
    sugarman20
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 266 ✭✭sugarman20


    This is it wrote: »
    No, we're all creepy.

    Some of us are just better are hiding it! Seriously though OP, keep dating. It can just take a while.


  • #10
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    datesgowrong wrote: »

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?

    Oh dear, he asked you one wrong question and you freaked out? Lucky escape for him id say..


  • #11
    NickNickleby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,826 ✭✭✭NickNickleby


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Oh dear, he asked you one wrong question and you freaked out? Lucky escape for him id say..

    Why have you got strangers on your WhatsApp? Only use texts or phone calls till you're sure.

    As for all the creeps, just bad luck I'd say. Just be careful, theres loads of nice chaps out there, you WILL meet one, recognise and dump the oddball as soon as you spot them.

    It'll be fine, dont panic.


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  • #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Oh dear, he asked you one wrong question and you freaked out? Lucky escape for him id say..

    Had I sent him a message a 3 in the morning, it would be a reasonable question to ask. He saw I was online at 3am and asked me why I was up so late. I feel that is a question that a controlling person would ask.


  • #13
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,151 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Maybe asking why you were up so late was just a bit of banter that got lost in the cold look of a text?

    Of course there are nice guys out there. Don't give up because you didn't click with 2 guys.


  • #14
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,909 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    NickNickleby wrote: »
    Why have you got strangers on your WhatsApp? Only use texts or phone calls till you're sure.

    If someone has your number and has WhatsApp then there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop them seeing your "last seen" times unless you disable that feature altogether, which means you then can't use it either.

    OP, I think you're just discovering that it's a really weird and difficult time to be dating. I've personally put a pause on even attempting it for the time being because trying to navigate the whole thing - meeting up, what to do on a date, what if they want to kiss - is just all too much. Perhaps you might be better off just forgetting about it for a while?


  • #15
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,144 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    Had I sent him a message a 3 in the morning, it would be a reasonable question to ask. He saw I was online at 3am and asked me why I was up so late. I feel that is a question that a controlling person would ask.

    Not really. Sounds like he was up too and started a conversation. Unless there was more to the message. Did you answer him?


  • #16
    NickNickleby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,826 ✭✭✭NickNickleby


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    If someone has your number and has WhatsApp then there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop them seeing your "last seen" times unless you disable that feature altogether, which means you then can't use it either.

    Ahhh, thanks for that. I thought you could only see other people on WhatsApp if they 'accepted' you.


  • #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    stargazer 68 wrote: »
    Not really. Sounds like he was up too and started a conversation. Unless there was more to the message. Did you answer him?

    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.


  • #18
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.

    I have asked this before simply because I was curious, never caused offence. Some people might take it as nothing more as someone being interested in them.
    You might want to reflect if you have a habit of quickly assuming intentions ...

    I am guilty of that myself but I am aware of it


  • #19
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.


    I think this is more you taking offence at a comment. Based on one comment alone you can’t judge a guy as controlling, that’s unfair.

    To answer your question there are nice guys out there if you give them a chance. Most men are decent, just be a bit more chill.


  • #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.

    Sounds like he was just making conversation to me.


  • #21
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »
    So you've met two arseholes and you're now wondering if there are ANY men who aren't creepy?

    1) Date more
    2) Maybe be more selective about who you date, or investigate whether you missed or ignored some warning signs with these two.

    Im assuming these are 2 recent examples, not the only 2 men she has dated. It generally takes a little bit of time before red flags become apparent. They don't wear a sign on their head.


    OP ive been dating since I was 14 and have met so many men that you describe, consistently one after another. I have such bad luck when it comes to meeting and attracting men. I used to be like you and give them the benefit of the doubt or be polite to them, I didnt want to hurt their feelings, I was fearful of how they might react but mostly I felt so much pressure from other people in my life to give these men a chance and to be nice to them.

    As I got older I realised that its nobody's business whether I am nice or raging bitch to these men and it doesn't define me either way, it's also nobodies business if I am single or who I want or don't want to date.
    Just because a man is interested in you, youre under no obligation to give him a chance.
    When the first man tried to kiss you after 5 minutes and tried to bring you to a 'quieter' park. This is the time to leave, these are red flags, next time dont make excuses for him or try to be nice, just get out. Fuk his feelings and what he'll think of you, you owe him nothing and that includes your niceness and respect. In this situation the only person you owe those things to are yourself.
    The most important lesson I learned in the last 10/15 years of dating is to stop being nice to them, they don't deserve it.

    There are nice, genuine men out there but id suggest working on yourself and becoming the best version of you. The rest will fall into place.


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  • #22
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Yes there are millions of them. They just don't get as much air times as the creeps. People generally it just remember the small number of weirdos more. We never remember the really nice guys we went on a date with but just weren't attracted. Nothing wrong with them but lacked something. They aren't remembered or talked about. Everyone talks about the horror stories.

    The first guy especially is no loss. He's also no reflection on you. Forget about him.

    If you got one flat tyre, would you replace all 4 wheels nope. Same thing, just cos one is bad doesn't mean they all are.


  • #23
    Kraftwerk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 472 ✭✭Kraftwerk


    First guy sounds like a tool. Second guy sounds like he's had a lucky escape if you're online calling him creepy and controlling for asking if you had a late night.


  • #24
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    Yes there are millions of them. They just don't get as much air times as the creeps. People generally it just remember the small number of weirdos more. We never remember the really nice guys we went on a date with but just weren't attracted. Nothing wrong with them but lacked something. They aren't remembered or talked about. Everyone talks about the horror stories.

    The first guy especially is no loss. He's also no reflection on you. Forget about him.

    If you got one flat tyre, would you replace all 4 wheels nope. Same thing, just cos one is bad doesn't mean they all are.

    I think the creeps and weirdos are more likely to be over confident while also being completely unaware or not concerned with how the other person feels or is responding to them. They put themselves 'out there' without acknowledging if their feelings are being returned. They dont care if they are or not, the other persons feelings dont come into it for them as its all about themselves and getting what they want.


  • #25
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    I think the creeps and weirdos are more likely to be over confident while also being completely unaware or not concerned with how the other person feels or is responding to them. They put themselves 'out there' without acknowledging if their feelings are being returned. They dont care if they are or not, the other persons feelings dont come into it for them as its all about themselves and getting what they want.

    The only ones you’d want to be worried about should be the ones who adapt and seem perfect because you give them all the cues needed. No creep factor then until you’re already in the middle of it.


  • #26
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    The only ones you’d want to be worried about should be the ones who adapt and seem perfect because you give them all the cues needed. No creep factor then until you’re already in the middle of it.

    No ones perfect and its very hard to fake a genuine connection and empathy beyond a few dates, thankfully the type you describe is rare.


  • #27
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    No ones perfect and its very hard to fake a genuine connection and empathy beyond a few dates, thankfully the type you describe is rare.

    It’s surprisingly easy actually, hence my warning.
    Be weary of someone who seems “too good to be true”, we are.

    Ops reaction to a mere question was wirklich totally over the top


  • #28
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,538 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    To answer the op, yes there are nice guys out there. The only problem for her is we’re all in our 40’s now :(


  • #29
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,472 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    Do you not have enough life experience at this stage to know that there are all sorts out there, I'm sure you know lots of good people and happy couples yourself? Does that not suggest that there mostly decent people out there?


  • #30
    Segotias
    Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭Segotias


    I'd take from this that you read the red flags and opted out. Whether people agree they both had red flags is irrelevant, to you they were red flags and you followed your gut.

    I'm in my early 40's and I'm still seeing if there are any nice decent blokes out there, you have plenty of time, stick with your gut and have fun while you're at it


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  • #31
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,384 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Do you text each other through WhatsApp? Is it not possible he went to text you, saw you were "last seen" at 3am and was just making conversation?

    If one of your friends, or siblings, or parents etc asked the same thing would you think they were controlling?

    I agree that you do need to trust your gut. But even your title is defensive. Of course there are nice guys out there. But if you think there's not, then you will continue to encounter those who are not.

    What I mean is, you won't see the good in people because you'll be too busy looking for the negatives.


This discussion has been closed.
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