Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

LegacyUser · 25-08-2020 7:16pm #1

Hi,

I'll keep this brief. I'm mid 30s and have been living abroad for years. Moved out of home at a young age and have briefly been back in my early 30s for a few months. I have been made redundant twice and fell on hard times because of Covid.

I just moved back home from abroad and living at home. I've always paid my way and have done more than my considerable share for my family. Since i've been back I haven't had much but think i've contributed more than my share. I'm due to get paid and told I would clear the last few weeks rent (my parent is in arrears) which i'm happy to do.

There has been conversations thrown around with her and her good friend present about how she is entitled to receive rent from me etc under her current benefits and then a hypothetical situation thrown into the mix of say if was to put 200e a week into your account. There's been lots of kind half assed remarkes like this in terms of how we can get the house done up, we'll have it looking fab etc.

I just feel it's really unfair to expect all of this. I was happy to pay the house rent every week then split shopping and pay bills as when we need too. I will end up buying a lot of my own food etc as we don't have necessarily the same diet.

I'm not a mean or tight person (which i've Ive been told to a fault sometimes) but I feel like this is too much. I would have my own apartment at this rate.

I also just feel like I will come off as the bad guy in this situation and I feel guilty/petty for feeling like this.

TheadoreT · 25-08-2020 10:50pm

Is there a missing paragraph here or something? You go on to talking about "her"(your mam?) without previous mention. Hard to follow.

gmisk · 25-08-2020 10:53pm

Adult@home wrote: »

Hi,

I'll keep this brief. I'm mid 30s and have been living abroad for years. Moved out of home at a young age and have briefly been back in my early 30s for a few months. I have been made redundant twice and fell on hard times because of Covid.

I just moved back home from abroad and living at home. I've always paid my way and have done more than my considerable share for my family. Since i've been back I haven't had much but think i've contributed more than my share. I'm due to get paid and told I would clear the last few weeks rent (my parent is in arrears) which i'm happy to do.

There has been conversations thrown around with her and her good friend present about how she is entitled to receive rent from me etc under her current benefits and then a hypothetical situation thrown into the mix of say if was to put 200e a week into your account. There's been lots of kind half assed remarkes like this in terms of how we can get the house done up, we'll have it looking fab etc.

I just feel it's really unfair to expect all of this. I was happy to pay the house rent every week then split shopping and pay bills as when we need too. I will end up buying a lot of my own food etc as we don't have necessarily the same diet.

I'm not a mean or tight person (which i've Ive been told to a fault sometimes) but I feel like this is too much. I would have my own apartment at this rate.

I also just feel like I will come off as the bad guy in this situation and I feel guilty/petty for feeling like this.

Er 800 euro a month seems like lunacy to me.
You are not a cash machine for them or a fund to get the house done up.
Maybe have an honest chat with them before things get too out of hand.

Sonic the Shaghog · 25-08-2020 11:01pm

What I don't get is she has rent to pay yet is going doing up the house.

Even if she's in a council house it's painting and decorating all she's be responsible for like how could it cost so much.

If there's any structural works, windows, or that it should be reported to the council

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 8:00am

gmisk wrote: »

Er 800 euro a month seems like lunacy to me.
You are not a cash machine for them or a fund to get the house done up.
Maybe have an honest chat with them before things get too out of hand.

I thought so too, then was second guessing myself. I don't know how a chat is going to go down. I just feel like her friend is in her ear fueling the fire. She's not a big people person bar her own very close friends and it would be an ordeal if I wanted to have friends over for coffee/dinner/drinks I feel. I guess you could say it's her house in fairness.

So i'm expected to help decorate, pay whatever and live like a hermit.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 8:05am

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

What I don't get is she has rent to pay yet is going doing up the house.

Even if she's in a council house it's painting and decorating all she's be responsible for like how could it cost so much.

If there's any structural works, windows, or that it should be reported to the council

I don't know what she's expecting. She just said we'd have the house looking fab etc. I know she wants to repaint most of the house, re-carpet and renovate the bathroom. It's only the last couple of weeks she's behind on rent. I just feel like i've been hit with all these expectations.

I haven't exactly been flush because of been out of work, stuck abroad etc but i've always paid my way. I told her i'll clear the three weeks rent when I get paid. She keeps throwing in comments like "we'll manage between us" which is nice I guess, but feel like that sentiment is going to come back to bite me in the backside.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 9:54am

Adult@home wrote: »

I don't know what she's expecting. She just said we'd have the house looking fab etc. I know she wants to repaint most of the house, re-carpet and renovate the bathroom. It's only the last couple of weeks she's behind on rent. I just feel like i've been hit with all these expectations.

You still haven't' explained what sort of house this is - is it private rental or council? If shes renting why is she painting and/or putting new carpet down?

Adult@home wrote: »

I haven't exactly been flush because of been out of work, stuck abroad etc but i've always paid my way. I told her i'll clear the three weeks rent when I get paid. She keeps throwing in comments like "we'll manage between us" which is nice I guess, but feel like that sentiment is going to come back to bite me in the backside.

If your mother is struggling to cover her rent then you need to sit down and discuss the issue. I'm sure your plan isn't to live there forever so she needs to manage her money to cover rent not redecorate. Sit down and agree a set rent you'll pay while living there and don't agree to adjust it just cus her friend has had a word

osarusan · 26-08-2020 10:25am

How much is the current weekly rent, which you will pay a few weeks of? So we can compare to the €200 a week suggested.

Sit down with your mother when the friend is absent and work out a payment system that you are both satisified with. Even write it down at the time so the evidence of it is there.

It might be that you pay X per week rent, X for bills, and also X for shopping, or maybe you agree to do your shopping seperately. Whatever it is, thrash out the details and both be happy with it.

As somebody else mentioned,if she's behind on the rent, then now is hardly the time for renovations of any significant cost.

Neyite · 26-08-2020 10:46am

A frank chat with your mother (without her friend there!) is in order. I think it's clear that she's not good with money if she thinks that your salary is now hers to fritter away on curtains when she's weeks in arrears on the rent. She sees you as a bit of a cash cow at the moment. Does she know what you earn or maybe seen a payslip/bank statement or something? It seems odd that all of a sudden the previous agreement changed dramatically and she's demanding substantially more and is planning lots of spending of what appears to be your money.

Is your move temporary because of covid, or is it a more permanent move?

If it's temporary, then I think that you should offer half the rent, half the bills and half the food. If she's struggling, then give a bit more if you can afford it- she's your mum and other than money you seem to have a good relationship which is important. If it's permanent, I'd suggest you don't commit to that until you've lived together for a few more months and ensure the arrangement works for you as well.

You've already offered to pay the arrears, make it clear this is ALL your savings gone, in case she thinks that she can spend the rent money on other things and you'll bail her out again.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 10:54am

osarusan wrote: »

How much is the current weekly rent, which you will pay a few weeks of? So we can compare to the €200 a week suggested.

Sit down with your mother when the friend is absent and work out a payment system that you are both satisified with. Even write it down at the time so the evidence of it is there.

It might be that you pay X per week rent, X for bills, and also X for shopping, or maybe you agree to do your shopping seperately. Whatever it is, thrash out the details and both be happy with it.

As somebody else mentioned,if she's behind on the rent, then now is hardly the time for renovations of any significant cost.

It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week. I had planned to cover that and suggest she puts 60e aside a week for herself to save rather than getting used to the extra money while i'm here. I'd planned to split bills as necessary and probably do main shopping together and then my extra bits i'd just pay for myself. I thought this was more than fair?

Neyite · 26-08-2020 11:10am

That's fair. More than fair. I wouldn't budge on that, and I'd move out if she continued to expect €200 pw. How is she expecting 200 per week when you have no job anyway? Did you get redundancy money and that's why she's planning to do the place up?

When you get a new job, do not tell her what you are earning. Her and her friend will have it spent before it hits your bank account. I've worked since my teens and my parents never asked me what I earned. They set a sum for contribution when I lived at home with us all and if we felt we could get a better deal elsewhere we were welcome to move out and try it. But what we earned, what we saved was all our own business. Same with your savings. It's nobody's business but yours.

woodchuck · 26-08-2020 11:17am

What you’re proposing sounds completely reasonable to me. I think it’s a bit mean of her to suggest taking additional rent from you when you’re already offering to cover the full rent for the house. It sounds like this wouldn’t have occurred to her if her friend hadn’t suggested it though.

Your mother seems to have her head in the clouds when it comes to money. 60euro/week to rent a house is sweet f-all, so it’s very worrying that she is behind on the rent. I think your suggestion that she puts 60euro by each week while you’re covering the rent is a good idea. I wonder if she’ll be capable of this though, if she’s that bad at managing her money.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk about finances while you’re living there (obviously leave the friend out of it!). Come to an agreement and stick with it.

As for the state of the house, how badly does it need work done? If it’s in bad condition and you’re open to helping her out with that, maybe you could suggest covering the cost of some cosmetic work down the line if/when you can afford it. I’d make it clear that you’ll see what you can afford to help with once your own financial situation has settled down though, as opposed to handing extra cash over weekly to go towards the work.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 11:30am

woodchuck wrote: »

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk about finances while you’re living there (obviously leave the friend out of it!). Come to an agreement and stick with it.

+ 1 this OP. Your mother being behind on her rent is what she should be focused on not painting the house. She needs to be clear you aren't going to live there forever and aren't going to be able to cover her rent when moved out. You staying there and covering the rent now gives her a great chance to save money for several months rent. Honestly the cheek of her friend to suggest she get 200 a week from you when shes only paying 60!

woodchuck wrote: »

As for the state of the house, how badly does it need work done? If it’s in bad condition and you’re open to helping her out with that, maybe you could suggest covering the cost of some cosmetic work down the line if/when you can afford it. I’d make it clear that you’ll see what you can afford to help with once your own financial situation has settled down though, as opposed to handing extra cash over weekly to go towards the work.

+ 1 to this again OP. If she wants to redecorate just for the sake of it or cus this mate of hers is pushing it you need to put a stop to that. If stuff is worn and needs replacing then work out what is most urgent and do stuff in sections but she needs to be realistic. You can't go redecorating your whole gaff if you've several weeks in arrears with rent.

Xterminator · 26-08-2020 11:30am

It is a little unclear what your suggested monthly total would be but surely you would have a bargain, if you got a rent, and bills for under 500 per month?

You don't say what % of your income your monthly spend would be. After being made redundant, you are now working, yes? Possibly some savings too? How would that compare to mum?

How much do you reckon it would cost you on the open market to rent a room, and spilt bills? Hint 500 would be unlikely to cover it and then you would only be a licensee and could be asked to leave on short notice.

in short we dont know how much a month you are being asked to contribute and what % of you income that would represent, nor what mums income is, to assess if you are being asked to pay over the odds.
However it is likely to be a bargain compared to market rates.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 11:33am

Xterminator wrote: »

It is a little unclear what your suggested monthly total would be but surely you would have a bargain, if you got a rent, and bills for under 500 per month?

You don't say what % of your income your monthly spend would be. After being made redundant, you are now working, yes? Possibly some savings too? How would that compare to mum?

How much do you reckon it would cost you on the open market to rent a room, and spilt bills? Hint 500 would be unlikely to cover it and then you would only be a licensee and could be asked to leave on short notice.

in short we dont know how much a month you are being asked to contribute and what % of you income that would represent, nor what mums income is, to assess if you are being asked to pay over the odds.
However it is likely to be a bargain compared to market rates.

I don't have any redundancy or savings. I've just started a s****y paying job to get some money coming in. 800e a month is what was put out there not 500e. Then all the added extras, bills etc. Hardly a bargain

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 11:35am

Neyite wrote: »

That's fair. More than fair. I wouldn't budge on that, and I'd move out if she continued to expect €200 pw. How is she expecting 200 per week when you have no job anyway? Did you get redundancy money and that's why she's planning to do the place up?

When you get a new job, do not tell her what you are earning. Her and her friend will have it spent before it hits your bank account. I've worked since my teens and my parents never asked me what I earned. They set a sum for contribution when I lived at home with us all and if we felt we could get a better deal elsewhere we were welcome to move out and try it. But what we earned, what we saved was all our own business. Same with your savings. It's nobody's business but yours.

Same, working since 15. Left home at 18. No redundancy or savings and a lot of debt after losing my job twice.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 11:39am

woodchuck wrote: »

What you’re proposing sounds completely reasonable to me. I think it’s a bit mean of her to suggest taking additional rent from you when you’re already offering to cover the full rent for the house. It sounds like this wouldn’t have occurred to her if her friend hadn’t suggested it though.

Your mother seems to have her head in the clouds when it comes to money. 60euro/week to rent a house is sweet f-all, so it’s very worrying that she is behind on the rent. I think your suggestion that she puts 60euro by each week while you’re covering the rent is a good idea. I wonder if she’ll be capable of this though, if she’s that bad at managing her money.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a proper talk about finances while you’re living there (obviously leave the friend out of it!). Come to an agreement and stick with it.

As for the state of the house, how badly does it need work done? If it’s in bad condition and you’re open to helping her out with that, maybe you could suggest covering the cost of some cosmetic work down the line if/when you can afford it. I’d make it clear that you’ll see what you can afford to help with once your own financial situation has settled down though, as opposed to handing extra cash over weekly to go towards the work.

House isn't in that bad condition to be honest. Bathroom needs structural work which needs to be done by the council. She doesn't get much money, she works one day a week and is on illness benefit.

Tork · 26-08-2020 2:06pm

I've seen threads here where people got roasted for offering too little when living at home. €800 a month is the other extreme and I think you can see from the reactions here, that most people think it's lunacy. It's obvious that your mum and/or the friend went onto Daft, looked at the going rates and went "Ker-ching". I'm not familiar with the rules regarding council housing but is your mum even entitled to charge you rent? Even if she is, multiples of what she's paying herself makes no sense. Especially when you are the one who has fallen on hard times and is home for now out of economic necessity. In these circumstances, I doubt many people's parents would attempt to gouge them in this fashion. What you were offering in the first place sounded reasonable to me. Is your mum easily led? Has she a history of doing things like this?

Cakerbaker · 26-08-2020 2:17pm

If it’s a council house and you’re working, your income should be declared to the council which will probably lead to a rent increase. If it’s not declared and the council become aware of in the future, they could come looking for a back-payment.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 2:20pm

Cakerbaker wrote: »

If it’s a council house and you’re working, your income should be declared to the council which will probably lead to a rent increase. If it’s not declared and the council become aware of in the future, they could come looking for a back-payment.

I did think this. The friend kindly mentioned that I could be kicked out on the street if I don't put my name on the rent.

Tork · 26-08-2020 2:59pm

Why is this friend in the middle of what should be something that's between your mother and you? He/she sounds like a dangerous meddler.

Cakerbaker · 26-08-2020 3:01pm

Adult@home wrote: »

I did think this. The friend kindly mentioned that I could be kicked out on the street if I don't put my name on the rent.

If you’re paying your proper share of your rent to the council, and are paying your share of food / bills at home, then I’m not sure your mother should expect you to pay her much else, definitely not €200 a week!

Tork · 26-08-2020 3:10pm

Cakerbaker wrote: »

If you’re paying your proper share of your rent to the council, and are paying your share of food / bills at home, then I’m not sure your mother should expect you to pay her much else, definitely not €200 a week!

Paying this ludicrously high amount of money into someone's bank account isn't very clever either - it leaves a paper trail.

26-08-2020 3:12pm

the increase in differential rent wouldnt be major, certainly your mother should declare it and certainly what you have offered more than covers it (a few times over)

this is about your mother and this third party getting notions about what you can be gouged for

i. find out if yr mother wants you home. if not, leave her to it. better for everyone that way. and putting it that starkly will straighten her out

ii. if the above answer is 'yes' then tell her that her friends input is misleading, unrealistic, unhelpful and insulting. let her know that your offer is generous and covers more than a fair share and it wont be changing

iii. if she wants to discuss beyond, then for whats being asked (improvements to her house and covering her arrears) you want to know a lot more about where *her* money is going. fair's fair.

at each stage you have to be prepared for her to rather you not be there, paying what youve offered. but no point either of ye bluffing.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 3:16pm

Tork wrote: »

Why is this friend in the middle of what should be something that's between your mother and you? He/she sounds like a dangerous meddler.

I know, she's known us most of our lives. I hadn't seen her for years as I was away travelling and her and my mam drifted apart for a while. She can quite abrasive some times. It's really frustrating. I'm in my 30s and have been incredibly independant my whole life. Yeah the last few months i've fallen on hard times. I just don't need all this pressure and expectation as if i'm not pulling my weight.

I've overheard her and my mam bitching about me when my mam phoned me and forgot to hang up after. Again it was criticizing the jobs I was going to take since i've got home and how much travel would cost and my mam was like "oh I thought it was just me". Again all about money and how much it would cost ME for travel and I should take one job over another. The friend even referred to me as "the f****g b***h" which I would take more offence to coming from anyone else, because she tends to speak like this.

I just don't know where the sense of entitlement to my life comes from.

26-08-2020 3:47pm

ok new question

what the **** do you want anything to do with your mother for?

sounds like youd be very well out of it, and her redecorating and arrears can stay her and her mate's problem

Magicmatilda · 26-08-2020 5:13pm

Can you move out? Is there some reason you are staying with your mum, because you would get a room in a nice place for 700 a month, even in Dublin.

Pistachio19 · 26-08-2020 6:42pm

I'd be looking for a house share asap and leave your mother to it.

tara73 · 26-08-2020 8:42pm

Adult@home wrote: »

It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week.?

Am I the only one who read this?? Rent is 60€/week and you are paying 200/week ??:eek::eek:

This is madness OP, not much more to add..

JustAThought · 26-08-2020 8:55pm

If your mother has a carers benefit than is there aomeone else in the house too?! I gather from what you said you are in arrears’ with her - ie awaiting your paycheque so havn’t paid anything to her yet- this might be why she is skittish and talking about you to her friend.

As regards the council, if you have moved in and are living there then you ahoud be declared and put in the lease, and everyones rent will go up. The taxpayers bill who subsidises your mother having a spare unused room in her subsidised rent house will go down.

If this is only a short term mont or two month bail out no matter but otherwise your mother is defrauding the social welfare and the council under her tenancy agreement.

No doubt she and her croony see you as an easy cashpoint in an otherwise barren taxpayer subsidised world but its really not fair on the rest of us who are subsidising her - and now you through our work and taxes.

As an aside I’d say to get onto homestay.ie or daft and rent yourself somewhere once your paycheques start to come in - far less fraught and less of a toxic environment. Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2020 11:49pm

JustAThought wrote: »

If your mother has a carers benefit than is there aomeone else in the house too?! I gather from what you said you are in arrears’ with her - ie awaiting your paycheque so havn’t paid anything to her yet- this might be why she is skittish and talking about you to her friend.

As regards the council, if you have moved in and are living there then you ahoud be declared and put in the lease, and everyones rent will go up. The taxpayers bill who subsidises your mother having a spare unused room in her subsidised rent house will go down.

If this is only a short term mont or two month bail out no matter but otherwise your mother is defrauding the social welfare and the council under her tenancy agreement.

No doubt she and her croony see you as an easy cashpoint in an otherwise barren taxpayer subsidised world but its really not fair on the rest of us who are subsidising her - and now you through our work and taxes.

As an aside I’d say to get onto homestay.ie or daft and rent yourself somewhere once your paycheques start to come in - far less fraught and less of a toxic environment. Best of luck.

Carers benefit and Illness benefit are not the same thing. So no she doesn't.

How are you subsidising me? The social welfare are aware im living here. I've worked and paid tax since im 15 and never been on benefits so I really don't appreciate the snarky comment.

Im already working and im only home 5 minutes from overseas. I got in at 11pm this evening after been working since 9am because I went for interview in the evening.

She has pretty much free reign of my bank card since I got back. Not a lot of money but I have definitely given my fair share.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 9:00am

tara73 wrote: »

Am I the only one who read this?? Rent is 60€/week and you are paying 200/week ??:eek::eek:

This is madness OP, not much more to add..

Haven't paid that yet. It was "casually" thrown around in conversation as a "hypothetical" situation

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 9:09am

Deleted User wrote: »

ok new question

what the **** do you want anything to do with your mother for?

sounds like youd be very well out of it, and her redecorating and arrears can stay her and her mate's problem

I hear you but she's still my mother. It's difficult. For some reasons I'm feeling guilty for feeling like this.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 9:11am

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Can you move out? Is there some reason you are staying with your mum, because you would get a room in a nice place for 700 a month, even in Dublin.

I've just come home from overseas from what's been a tough few months. I had no choice and I was always going to want to see my mum I guess.

Xterminator · 27-08-2020 9:22am

Hi OP

800 p/m seems too high. It really does. If i was you i would not allow that situation. Rationally you are correct to think you are being taken advantage of. A fairer sum will need to be agreed. If you get yur name added as a tent in the council house, then you would be a full tenant, and if something happened to mum not be turfed out. Has that been discussed?

Re contributing to home improvements - are you planning to stay a while in which case going 1/2 on upgrades (outside of rent) wouldn't be a problem as you would get to enjoy the benefits. But what if you dont stick around? What if mum gets belligerent when you say no to 800. And offer 500?

The problem here is you may need a plan B, if living with mum does not work out. If i were you getting a deposit and 1st months rent would now become my priority. Delay upgrade until you have savings.

Mum managed before you came back, and would manage again if you have to leave. Keep the option open.

HildaOgdenx · 27-08-2020 9:40am

Adult@home wrote: »

I've just come home from overseas from what's been a tough few months. I had no choice and I was always going to want to see my mum I guess.

Understandable, completely understandable.

The 'friend' sounds like a horrible influence on your mother. I can almost imagine them going through any papers/ bank stuff/ salary slips that you have, in the house, so they can set a rate for you, based on their knowledge of your finances!

I'd suggest not rushing into making this a permanent situation. Take your time and think things over. What you have proposed to pay, sounds very fair. Don't get dragged into what the 'friend' thinks would be fair, or picking out new paint just yet.

Does your mother think that you are home to stay, for good, with her? Because that will be another adjustment for both of you, if you are home to stay, or if you plan to move out or travel again. If you are planning to stay, then by all means, check what the story is, as regards the council side of things, and get that sorted.

It sounds like you would be far better off, in every way, out of there, and just visiting, preferably when that 'friend' is not around.

Tork · 27-08-2020 10:09am

I was appalled when you detailed that conversation you overheard between your mum and that friend. Where do you even start with that? What it confirms is that living at home for any length of time is going to lead to nothing but problems. The friend is free to say anything she wants about you, knowing your mum won't pull her up on it. Maybe your mum agrees with her, awful and all as that is to contemplate. What's certain is that no matter what you pay your mum and how helpful you are at home, it won't be good enough. She'll have that friend in her ear, stirring things up. Maybe your mum is no slouch when it comes to this sort of behaviour either. I get the impression that there's a lot of baggage between you and her and that's something to be careful of.

Long-term, I can't see how you and your mum can live happily under the same roof. It would be better for you if you don't live there for longer than can be helped. If for now you can't afford to move out, stick to your guns and don't pay what her friend thinks you should. I'd brazen it out and start saying "Mum, I don't have that sort of money. Mum I can't afford it" and make sure she knows nothing about your finances.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-08-2020 10:11am

The arrears in rent your mum built up herself before you moved home, is that right? Do you know how your mum got into arrears? Where is her money going? I'm always so suspicious of an elderly person living alone with that one 'best friend' in their ear and money disappearing so maybe I read your posts wrong. If it is the case that she ran into arrears, what was she going to do if you hadn't moved home and paid them off for her? If there are improvements needed to the house, is it not the Council who look after that? Or is it more wallpaper and paint type improvements?

By the sounds of the conversation you overheard and the fact that your mum replied to a comment, the friend seems to have instigated the b*tching session? Why? Is she trying to drive a wedge between you both?

You are absolutely pulling your weight and being extremely kind and generous in looking after your mum going by what you've said. So you've no need to worry about that but if you're giving so much and your mum still hasn't got enough to cover everything and is applying more pressure onto you...why is that?

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 10:52am

Tork wrote: »

I was appalled when you detailed that conversation you overheard between your mum and that friend. Where do you even start with that? What it confirms is that living at home for any length of time is going to lead to nothing but problems. The friend is free to say anything she wants about you, knowing your mum won't pull her up on it. Maybe your mum agrees with her, awful and all as that is to contemplate. What's certain is that no matter what you pay your mum and how helpful you are at home, it won't be good enough. She'll have that friend in her ear, stirring things up. Maybe your mum is no slouch when it comes to this sort of behaviour either. I get the impression that there's a lot of baggage between you and her and that's something to be careful of.

Long-term, I can't see how you and your mum can live happily under the same roof. It would be better for you if you don't live there for longer than can be helped. If for now you can't afford to move out, stick to your guns and don't pay what her friend thinks you should. I'd brazen it out and start saying "Mum, I don't have that sort of money. Mum I can't afford it" and make sure she knows nothing about your finances.

I was pretty upset to be honest. I just took the dog out for a couple of hours, had a bit of a cry and dusted myself off. It's not worth mentioning. Yeap the fact my mum is happy for people to speak about me like that is so painful. She doesn't know i've heard that conversation.

You're dead right it will never be enough and I don't owe her anything. I love birthdays, Christmas and getting gifts for people etc, but the friend almost saying what me and my siblings should be spending for her bday is just taking the good out of it.

My mam and I have had a turbulent relationship but I thought we were in a good place. Very hard though when someone doesn't change their behaviour.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 11:26am

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

The arrears in rent your mum built up herself before you moved home, is that right? Do you know how your mum got into arrears? Where is her money going? I'm always so suspicious of an elderly person living alone with that one 'best friend' in their ear and money disappearing so maybe I read your posts wrong. If it is the case that she ran into arrears, what was she going to do if you hadn't moved home and paid them off for her? If there are improvements needed to the house, is it not the Council who look after that? Or is it more wallpaper and paint type improvements?

By the sounds of the conversation you overheard and the fact that your mum replied to a comment, the friend seems to have instigated the b*tching session? Why? Is she trying to drive a wedge between you both?

You are absolutely pulling your weight and being extremely kind and generous in looking after your mum going by what you've said. So you've no need to worry about that but if you're giving so much and your mum still hasn't got enough to cover everything and is applying more pressure onto you...why is that?

My mam has not paid the rent in 3 weeks which co-incides with me being back I guess. I have let her have my card and thought i'd have enough money to pay for food pay my way etc for a month. Seems this is not the case. I was on quarantine for a couple of weeks, so would give my mam my card to go pick up shopping etc. A lot from our local store. This was for both of us so I can't complain. She would buy herself cigarettes etc which is not cheap. I borrowed money from a family member last week and gave my mam my card to get stuff. So i'm thinking with the money i've given her over the past few weeks and if I clear the rent for the past three weeks then that is more than fair for the few previous weeks i've been home and will give us a clean slate from next week?

My mam is a functional alcoholic which makes things complicated. She's doing a lot better but she will happily have beers most evenings, perhaps one or two some days aswell.

rainbowtrout · 27-08-2020 11:29am

Tork wrote: »

I've seen threads here where people got roasted for offering too little when living at home. €800 a month is the other extreme and I think you can see from the reactions here, that most people think it's lunacy. It's obvious that your mum and/or the friend went onto Daft, looked at the going rates and went "Ker-ching". I'm not familiar with the rules regarding council housing but is your mum even entitled to charge you rent? Even if she is, multiples of what she's paying herself makes no sense. Especially when you are the one who has fallen on hard times and is home for now out of economic necessity. In these circumstances, I doubt many people's parents would attempt to gouge them in this fashion. What you were offering in the first place sounded reasonable to me. Is your mum easily led? Has she a history of doing things like this?

Totally agree. If your mother is only paying €60 a week rent, that's €240 a month, but she wants to charge you €800??? That's insane. She and her friend just see you as a cash cow. It's nice to be able to help out a parent if they are a bit cash strapped or treat them in some way (in this case it might be a pair of curtains), but that has to be your choice, you are not a cash cow. I can imagine the conversation between your mother and her friend - "Get John to pay 800 a month, that will cover the rent and most of the bills and you'll still have an extra 500 left to play with"

Even if you are paying 60 a week rent it is more than a fair deal in this instance as your mother is now getting her house for free while you are living there.

27-08-2020 11:39am

I feel sorry for the op. To be treated in this manner by a parent is terrible.

At most, the very most, you could pay the 60 a week but that's it. No bills, etc as well. She shouldn't be in arrears either. At only 60 a week that's not good money management.

Sorry but it sounds like your mother doesn't understand the parent / child relationship and your probable best getting out because it sounds like your better than that.

27-08-2020 11:52am

Xterminator wrote: »

It is a little unclear what your suggested monthly total would be but surely you would have a bargain, if you got a rent, and bills for under 500 per month?

You don't say what % of your income your monthly spend would be. After being made redundant, you are now working, yes? Possibly some savings too? How would that compare to mum?

How much do you reckon it would cost you on the open market to rent a room, and spilt bills? Hint 500 would be unlikely to cover it and then you would only be a licensee and could be asked to leave on short notice.

in short we dont know how much a month you are being asked to contribute and what % of you income that would represent, nor what mums income is, to assess if you are being asked to pay over the odds.
However it is likely to be a bargain compared to market rates.

That's completely irrelevant. Market rates when talking about living with a parent that is herself not paying market rate.

Are you the mothers mate by any chance?

Pistachio19 · 27-08-2020 11:54am

For starters make sure you have your card back and change your PIN asap. Your mother being a functional alcoholic changes everything. You will end up funding her addiction. It's time to find yourself somewhere else to live asap, use your own money to fund yourself and save for your own future. She's managed fine up until now and is really taking the p*ss not paying her rent from the money you allowed her to take from your bank account. This is a snippet of the way it will be if you stay so you need to decide if you want to put up with her and her cronies financial demands, or if you want to get out and focus on making a life for yourself.

qwerty13 · 27-08-2020 12:02pm

Get your card back. Change your PIN in case she ‘finds’ your card. Get a new card in case she has the details written down for online purchases. And move out as soon as you possibly can (I can’t stress this enough).

Neyite · 27-08-2020 12:19pm

The alcoholic bit makes it all slot into place.

OP, honestly, get some support from Al Anon. It's likely she's drinking far more than you see. A drinker will bleed you dry financially and emotionally.

27-08-2020 12:21pm

Adult@home wrote: »

It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week. I had planned to cover that and suggest she puts 60e aside a week for herself to save rather than getting used to the extra money while i'm here. I'd planned to split bills as necessary and probably do main shopping together and then my extra bits i'd just pay for myself. I thought this was more than fair?

If its a council house she needs to declare you as living there and have the rent reassessed based on your income and hers combined.

Then you cover the difference in the new rent, (probably about 15% of your income) plus half bills and half food.

Your other option is to move out, and find a house-share.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 12:42pm

Neyite wrote: »

The alcoholic bit makes it all slot into place.

OP, honestly, get some support from Al Anon. It's likely she's drinking far more than you see. A drinker will bleed you dry financially and emotionally.

I know, i'm well aware of the lengths she will go to. She is better than she was years ago though. Still doesn't make it okay and she still has a problem but she's not as chaotic as she was for now.

I went to Al Anon but it wasn't really for me to be honest.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-08-2020 12:54pm

You need to get your card back, as others have said and change the PIN. You borrowed money, while your mum had your card? Absolutely not. No way in hell is that acceptable.

It seems as if yourself and your mum had different expectations of what was going to happen financially when you moved home. It's not unreasonable to want a conversation about what's reasonable and fair.

You survived a chunk of your life by supporting yourself and fair play by that. You need to stand up and back yourself now.

27-08-2020 2:08pm

OP youve had a lot of good advice and are just kinda nodding along to it

i hope its not contravening the forum rules to say that im not getting any impression that you are going to take any action here, and thats a concern

every single issue raised in this forum is about a situation a person finds themselves in, and the solution to pretty much every one of those issues is for that person to change that situation.

youve already set out more than enough provocation for you to take action here

do you see yourself changing anything about the situation you find yourself in?

im not saying this as a poke at you, im asking whether you see your own options here and can see yourself taking any of them?

because going with the flow here is going to get very toxic for you very quickly.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2020 2:29pm

I'm not just nodding along to it. I just needed advice to see if I was being unreasonable.

I never planned to stay long term which is why I was even more taken aback when she started suggested getting the house done up etc. I'm 34. If anything i'll be investing in buying my own place somewhere down the line and at least finding a house share for myself.

I am not used to living at home so needed advise on the best course of action in the current environment. I have been looking for house shares over the past couple of weeks but need to get finance in order first.

Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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